Episode 1 Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live

It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please welcome Kevin Bridges.

Thank you!

Ladies and gentleman, good evening!

Welcome along to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live - there we are.

CHEERING

It's exciting. Edinburgh.

Edin... Edin... "Edimburgo," I discovered it's called

this summer in a Spanish airport.

Edimburgo.

I love watching the hysteria at the Edimburgo departure gate.

"Edimburgo? Where's that aboot, eh?

"David, let me see the boarding passes. David!

"Edimburgo? Is this the right terminal?"

HE LAUGHS

I don't even know if that's the accent.

We're here, anyway. We're making a show.

CHEERING

Yeah. Feel that excitement there.

I'm 27, I'm no longer a youth.

I've got mates who are getting married, having kids,

I'm thinking about it - you never know.

I live in a nice part of Glasgow these days, though, so if...

I live in a... I live in a leafy suburb

so, if I have children, they'll be pricks!

That's... I've came to terms...

That's what's gonnae happen - I'm gonnae raise pricks.

My own son, he'll be that wee guy

walking down with his purple blazer, carrying a violin case

just tuned to the moon.

He's gonnae grow up on a different planet from me.

I don't know how I'll handle that.

I think it'll be tough to take, my own son going, "Dad.

"Dad, this iPad isn't performing the software update.

"Er, can you...?

"Can you book an appointment with a Genius this Saturday

"and have this resolved once and for all?"

-"Shut the

-BLEEP

-up, ya wee tool!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's the kind of father I'll be.

"You can go upstairs, find my golf club,

"go outside and chop some jaggy nettles.

"How's that sound?

"That's our Saturday afternoon, we're speaking to no Genius.

"You go out there, chop some jaggies, get to know yourself.

"Embrace the boredom, decapitate a few dandelions."

That's it - young people, they don't know how to be bored any more.

Boredom's dying, they're just too busy checking Facebook and just...

You know that-that hollow sadness that hits you

when you're spending too much time on Facebook,

just realising how much you hate your own aunties and stuff.

Like, "T-Mobile are actually so frustrating."

"Auntie Janice, I despise you."

I preferred the relationship pre-Facebook.

See, once... Birthday, Christmas - twice a year.

Great, Auntie - loved it.

Just don't like your opinions and stuff.

I used to get bored when I was young.

I used to sit and record myself singing on a cassette player,

remember the days?

Hitting play and record at the same time,

singing mid-'90s pop songs, that was me.

# Baby, if you've got to go away... #

HE LAUGHS

# Don't think I can take the pain

# Won't you stay another day?

# Stay now. #

That was boredom and it created something beautiful!

I tried to start a boy band based on that,

on that single that I released to myself, played it back.

That was Element Four, that's what we were called.

I gave me and my mates... I was bored!

I gave me and my mates aliases -

Earth, Wind, Rain, Fire, that was us.

I was Wind and they laughed at me. "That's it," I thought.

I thought, "I'm going solo - Big Wind."

APPLAUSE

Anyway, we're going to get the first guy on.

Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise

for the wonderful Nish Kumar.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Nish. How are you?

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

Good. I was born in London but my parents were not.

My parents come from India.

They come from a part of India called Kerala,

a very interesting place.

There's been a lot of immigration there in the last 600, 700 years.

Vasco da Gama led a Portuguese delegation there.

There's an indigenous Arab population,

there's an indigenous Jewish population

and what's happened is all that diversity

has crawled up and landed on my FACE because...

..this is an ethnically ambiguous situation, OK?

It looks like I've gone to a costume party dressed as EVERYONE.

And...here's a little trick I can play with my face.

It changes ethnicity depending on

the angle at which you are looking at it.

So watch this - it starts like this, going

"Arab, Arab, Arab, Arab, Arab,

"Jew, Brazilian!" It's that kind of face.

You might think, "Oh, that's nice -

"you embody the diversity of the global community,

"you're a citizen of the modern world."

Let me tell you, all that means is I get stopped at customs EVERYWHERE.

I am a person of interest to absolutely everyone

and it doesn't matter if they see the British passport,

cos I've got a face that looks like it comes

from the People's Arab Republic Of Jewishstan.

But I'm very proud of being both British and Asian.

It's very nice - I feel very proud of being a multicultural man.

But, very often, people don't like you to be both -

they like you to pick one and stick with it.

And this pressure comes from both sides.

Because Indian people who live in Britain

have a word for people that they don't think are being Indian enough

and that word is "coconut".

Coconut because you're brown on the outside, white on the inside.

Coconut because you're brown on the outside,

white on the inside.

Coconut because you're brown on the outside, white on the inside.

Now, biologically, this is a crock of shit.

Biologically, I'm brown on the outside

and then there's just a load of red-and-black crap.

So I'm less a coconut,

I'm more a Black Forest gateau.

Which, ironically, is exactly the sort of comment

that led to me being labelled as a coconut.

And, the thing is, I make light of it now

but it really used to affect me

until, one day, I was having a conversation

with one of the kids who called me a coconut

and he said, "What you doing over the Christmas holidays?"

I said, "I'm going to India to visit my grandmother."

And he said, "Urgh! Why you doing that?!"

I was like...

"She lives in India.

"She's my grandma.

"I have no idea."

I never thought I'd have to justify that sentence.

And he said, "I'm never going to India."

And I said, "Why not?"

He said, "Cos it's dirty and they don't have rap music."

"It's dirty and they don't have rap music."

This man, who thought he was an arbitrator

of what was and what was not Indianness,

would not visit the country of his parents' birth

because of the absence of MC Hammer.

And it's not even true -

they have loads of rap music and it's incredibly clean.

And, at that moment, I realised I'd been craving the approval

of a pack of braying morons and that, in fact, if I was a coconut

cos I was brown on the outside and white on the inside,

then they were Easter eggs

because they were brown on the outside and empty!

It's a good time to be a non-white person, 2014.

There's really nothing I can't do that a white person can do,

I really believe that, there's nothing I can't do.

Oh, apart from one thing I can't do that white people can do

and that's play pranks at international airports because...

..that is not open to you when you have the voice of Downton

but the face of Homeland. That is not...

My white friends are always like,

"Nish, let's have some banter with the customs officials."

I always say, "No, thank you.

"The only prank I'm playing is Let's Not Get Fingered. OK?"

I walk into airports with my belt in one hand, my shoes in the other,

I'm wearing T-shirts that say, "I heart the West."

Just roll up to random white people,

I'm like, "You know what sucks? Jihad!"

HE CHUCKLES

Still doesn't matter, though.

I got pulled out of an airport security queue in May of this year

and, normally, I don't mind

but, on this occasion, I was wearing a T-shirt

that had a picture of Mahatma Gandhi on it and said the word "Peace".

And when they pulled me out of the queue, I was like, "Really?!

"Is this the al-Qaeda uniform?"

Absolutely livid. I went back to my girlfriend,

who was waiting for me in the queue

and I said, "This is the opposite of what a terrorist would wear!"

And she said, "Is it, Nish? Or is it the perfect disguise?" So...

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a delight.

My name's Nish. Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nish Kumar.

Give it up for your next act, the wonderful Lucy Beaumont.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

AUDIENCE: Hello!

Now, some people have described me as quite odd

but I always say, "I'm not odd, I'm from Hull."

-WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

Ooh, got one in.

Well, just to tune your ears to the accent,

cos it is quite strong, if you can repeat after me.

"Erh, nerh, there's snerh on the rerhd."

ALL: "Erh, nerh, there's snerh on the rerhd."

And that's a severe weather warning.

And the other one is, um, "Mamma Mia."

ALL: Mamma Mia.

And that's telling your mother you've arrived.

APPLAUSE

You're a very intelligent audience.

Do you know, though, I don't know how much you know about Hull.

But it's a city on the up.

I know we got the City Of Culture in 2017.

Do you know, cos I used to say,

"Oh, if you don't know Hull, it's a lot different from other cities."

Like, you've got London, haven't you, that hosted the Olympics

and Hull that hosted Zumba classes you can smoke in.

And, er, but it's not like that any more.

I'm a bit put off going clubbing there, actually.

The last time I went clubbing in Hull was for a school reunion

and we ended up, like, in this real dodgy bar

and there was a woman here on the table with her top off

and all these men, like, stood leering around her.

And my friend went, "Don't look, Lucy," like that.

I went, "Why?"

And she went, "It's your mam."

She's not like that any more, though.

But, um, I've got something from my home town.

Would you like to see it?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

When I get a bit homesick, I have a look at it.

It's a pizza flyer.

Look at that.

Woo!

It's colourful, in't it?

And here, um, "Speciality Burger Bar."

"Gangbang Burger."

And this - can you believe this?

It's eight beef burgers, four chicken burgers,

topped with cheese, fried onion, mushroom and egg for £5.10.

I know.

And this, on the back...

This are useful telephone numbers -

Humberside Police non-emergency...

..and NHS Direct.

You can't write it, can you?

But, do you know, life don't always turn out

the way you expected, does it?

Do you know, I wanted to be a poet when I grew up.

I know, and I still write poetry.

I wrote one recently - my friend got married and she said,

"Lucy, will you write a poem and read it out at the ceremony?"

I said, "Yeah, I will."

And when I found out I weren't going to be bridesmaid...

..I changed it a bit.

And the end of it went, um...

There are people dying

Wars being fought

Families being torn apart

But you just enjoy yourselves.

APPLAUSE

But, do you know, in't it funny how, like, some people find love

and some people don't? Do you know, my friend, Jackie,

she's been single now for about ten years,

and the thing is she don't do herself any favours, do you know?

She was on an aeroplane, going on holiday,

and she said she went into the toilet

and she walked in and it was like...

-She said, "Mr Whippy..."

-AUDIENCE GROANS

"..coming up." I know, she said it was horrific.

So she came back out and she pulled a face

and she sat back down and then this gorgeous guy got up

who she'd seen earlier and she really wanted to talk to

and he did the same thing -

he went in and he came back out and he pulled a face

and Jackie went to him,

-"I

-just did that."

Thank you very much. Thanks.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lucy Beaumont.

This guy's a pal of mine, he's brilliant, you're going to love him.

Give it up, please, for Lloyd Langford.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Edinburgh. It's, er, good to be back.

Nice to be here, you know?

You travel around a lot doing stand-up.

I was doing some gigs earlier on in the year,

I was in a place called Carmarthen, right?

And Carmarthen train station, they have platform one, right?

And platform two.

Don't worry, that's not the end of the story.

HE LAUGHS

Platform one, platform two.

The really odd thing was there's no discernible way

of getting from platform one to platform two.

There's no tunnel underneath the platforms

or bridge over the platforms, right?

I'm on platform one, I need to be on platform two.

I'm quite a shy person,

so I just awkwardly stood on platform one for, like, ten minutes.

Eventually, a guard came up to me,

he said, "Mate, I'm just checking - is everything all right?

"Because loads of trains have gone past...

..you haven't got on any of them."

I was like, "Well, I'm not suicidal,

"but, er...

"I'm not happy."

LAUGHTER

"I'm in-between, I guess."

He's like, "What's the matter?"

I said, "I'm just wondering, how do I get on to platform number two?"

He went, "Simple.

"You just walk across the tracks."

That's what he said - you just walk across the tracks.

I was like, "What if there's a train coming?"

He went, "Don't walk across the tracks."

LAUGHTER

That is the system they employ there in Carmarthen.

Less public transport, more sort of natural selection.

I always seem to attract the nutter on the train, right?

Like, I was on the train the other day, right?

It went, like, one stop,

this guy got on the train and he sat opposite me, right?

I need to describe to you what he was wearing.

He had a full pinstripe suit on,

but the jacket was open at the front.

He had a shirt on underneath, right,

that was also open at the front,

you could see his belly.

On top of this, right, he was wearing a denim jacket

that had been unbuttoned at the front.

On top of the denim jacket, he was wearing a leather jacket

that had been unzipped.

The piece de resistance, right?

He had full wool-knit balaclava

that had been rolled all the way down.

He got on the train and sat opposite me.

Now, if you're ever in that situation,

my advice to you would be get off the train.

I don't even care if you're not at a stop,

just use the emergency hammer

and smash your way to freedom.

I was feeling unusually confident,

I was feeling bold, right?

What I thought I would do

is I'd take a photograph...

of this man, right?

I thought if I tell my friends this story

they're not going to believe me,

so I need some kind of evidence.

Now, if you're trying to take a photograph

of someone on public transport,

obviously you don't want them to know, right?

So get your phone out, hold it up like this.

This is a really important thing to remember -

wiggle your thumb like this.

Anyone sat opposite you,

it looks as if you're just sending a text message

when, in fact, you're about to take a sneaky photograph.

Got him in the middle of the frame,

exactly where I wanted him,

hit the button to take the photo...

LAUGHTER

Very last minute realised

I'd accidently left the flash on my camera.

So what I'd done is

I'd sat opposite a proper psychopath...

LAUGHTER

..and then blatantly taken a photograph of him.

Then I realised the scale of his outfit.

I'm like, "He kicks the shit out of me, I go to the police."

They're like, "Well, what was he wearing?"

I'm like, "I hope you've recently sharpened your pencil."

This guy was like a ninja onion.

Thank you very much for listening to me.

I've been Lloyd Langford, take it easy. Thank you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Give it up for Lloyd Langford!

CHEERING

Next guy's an old pal of mine, you're going to love him as well.

Make some noise for Des Clarke!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, everybody, how we doing, are we well?

ALL: Yes!

Oh, you can tell it's post-Commonwealth Games.

I was actually at that Opening Ceremony,

I had the most Scottish experience of my life.

I was delayed for half an hour getting into the stadium

cos I was caught behind a bus full of 50 Scottie dogs.

They were getting searched for drugs and weapons.

How mental do you think the dogs are in Scotland?

"Got that heroin?"

"Aye, just put it up the dug's arse, it'll be fine."

I had a weird vision of watching big dugs sniffing wee dugs - that's odd.

Only ever seen that on specialist internet sites.

Then I was trying to get through security

at the same time as 50 Scottie dogs, Susan Boyle and John Barrowman.

I thought this has got all the recipe

for the perfect Scottish sex party.

What we need is a set of car keys and the Krankies

and we are ready to rumble.

LAUGHTER

It was amazing,

it was a great moment for Scotland, I love being from here.

I'm from Glasgow, and growing up with the name Desmond in Glasgow,

that's no' easy.

I just bullied myself, it saved time.

I grew up in the high-rise flats,

my nickname at school was lemonade because I lived seven up -

that's not a lie.

LAUGHTER

The Glaswegian banter - there you go.

They call us the Weegies, that's our nickname fae Glasgow.

How do you make a "Weegie bored"?

Take away his heroin - social problems.

But people are so literal in this country as well,

and it's nice that people don't give you any time of the day

or believe that you're famous.

I had a guy saddle up to me in a toilet, when I'm at a urinal,

looked down and go, "I recognise you fae the radio."

LAUGHTER

That's some wireless you've got, big man. Is that DAB?

But I'm not a lad, I'm not a man's man, I can't do it.

Trying to chat up girls - for me there's a problem,

and this has been the same since I was a kid.

I'm chatting up a girl

and there's one conversation going on in my head,

but there are several different words coming out of my mouth.

So I'll chat up a girl and I think I'm in there -

"Why, you look wonderful tonight, you and I should be together,

"and maybe I could meet your family?"

I was 12, but you've got to start somewhere.

That's what I'm thinking I'm saying.

In reality I'm going, "I've got a stone in my pocket, "do you want to touch it?'

LAUGHTER

It's a shiny wan fae the beach!

You can see why girls ran a mile.

It was the same when I started work in a supermarket.

People come up and ask me an innocent question,

"Do you know where the beans are?" "They're inside my head. Touch it."

"Can I live in your house?"

Erm...

This has always happened to me,

never the greatest in social situations.

I remember going to Amsterdam,

that was on my one and only ever stag do.

Yeah, Amsterdam, me and seven computer-programmer friends of mine.

Basically should've just called it Geeks On Tour.

We actually went there,

and I have real laddish mates that were so excited about me going,

couldnae wait to tell me, and were trying to express this,

couldn't physically control themselves.

I had one pal that was like, "Oh, Amsterdam, it's amazing,

"it's amazing, it's definitely amazing.

"There's women, there's women, women in windows."

Now, it's hard to try and explain what he was talking about.

"There's, there's women, there's dirty women, dirty women. There's ping-pong balls."

I thought, "Why are you in fast-forward?"

It took me a week to figure out what he meant.

There are women who work in the sexual industry

that parade themselves in windows in certain parts of Amsterdam.

I didn't know what parts,

I was going up to council estates looking in windows and going,

"Wow, I can see her shoulder, she's amazing.

"She's doing the ironing, this is kinky." Right?

And I swear, it shows that we weren't sex people at all.

We got to the first window,

this woman's giving it laldy with the ping-pong balls,

it was like a bingo machine, it was tremendous.

And right at the moment where she's giving it her best shot,

a guy looks behind her to a building next to her and goes,

"God, look, there's a C&A!"

Now...

LAUGHTER

I can't explain why he was so excited

about a shop that we haven't seen for about eight years.

But the next thing I know, somebody's saying,

"Go on, let's buy a jumper."

We are...now leaving the sex district of Amsterdam,

going to buy matching jumpers from C&A.

We all came back wearing them,

and it's the scratchiest jumper you've ever felt in your life.

I'm like, I'm coming back from Amsterdam with an itch

and no-one will believe how I got it.

LAUGHTER

And we kept getting told,

oh, the windows get more and more extreme as you walk up.

So we're like that, "Oh, my God, this is amazing.

"Oh, what's she doing? Oh, there might be a Woolworths at the end of it." "I know, I know!"

"Who's up for a pick 'n' mix?" Right?

And a big mate of mine called Fat Pat,

I've never seen him move the length of himself,

he ran all the way up to the last window in the canal area,

the sex district of Amsterdam, got level with that window,

he was salivating, he was so excited.

Looked around to us, he was saying, "Come on, boys, this is amazing!"

We thought, "Wow, what can be up there?" Got level with him -

kebab shop. Couldnae make it up.

Folks, you've been absolutely gorgeous.

It's great to play this gig and be at the festival!

Thank you very much. Good night!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Des Clarke, yes!

CHEERING

Make some noise this time for the wonderful Andrew Ryan!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening, how we doing? Are you all right?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Very nice to be here, ladies and gentlemen, very nice.

I got a train up to Scotland,

and sometimes when I get a train I fall asleep

and I wake up with pins and needles in one of me legs.

Have you ever tried to walk with pins and needles in one of your legs?

You always have to drag your leg,

you're always like, "Oh, Jesus, Mary, Mother of God, what's going on?"

Right, you're like Keyser Soze, right, it's ridiculous.

Walking around like that.

Every time I see gangsters down in London, where I live, they're going like this,

"Yeah, blood, yeah. I see you, blood, yeah.

"Give me your Oyster card, yeah?

"What's your mother's maiden name, yeah?"

I'm thinking those lads just got pins and needles, right?

That's all that's wrong with them.

I got a train into Edinburgh Waverley,

and I woke up on the train with pins and needles in both me legs.

Have you ever tried to walk with pins and needles in both your legs?

It's impossible.

I got off the train, I was like this, going, "Oh, God...

"What is going on here? This is ridiculous." Right?

There's people walking past me on the platform going,

"Oh, my God, is that guy hiding an erection? What's he doing?"

The train manager saw me

and he thought that I was a passenger that needed some form of assistance,

so he started walking over towards me.

But we all know that once the blood starts circulating around the legs,

after a few seconds, the pins and needles just goes away.

And all the train manager saw was me doing this, just going,

"Oh, God, this is ridiculous.

"What is going on? Oh, God, I feel OK now. Oh, God.

"I feel... I feel fine now. That's great."

And then I just walked off like that.

LAUGHTER

It looked like The Evolution Of Man.

I'm getting a bit older now as well, you know,

there's a few things that happens when you get a bit older,

that you know that you're getting a bit old.

For example, you know you're getting old

when you come in from a night out at one o'clock in the morning

and you take the mince out of the freezer

for the following night's dinner.

LAUGHTER

Oh, we've got a few mince-takers-out here tonight!

"Are you coming to bed?" "No, no, no.

"I've got spag bol tomorrow, honestly..."

Because that's what it's like when you get to your 30s,

like, it's all about planning for tomorrow, you know?

When you're in your 20s, you're going out after work,

you can turn up for work with a traffic cone on your head,

kebab down the front.

You're like, "I was Dangerous Dave out last night."

When you get to your 30s, people are like,

"Would you like to go for a drink?" You're like, "Oh, God, no,

"I've got a busy day next week -

"I need to stay in and prepare for that."

I am trying to be a bit of a better adult, you know,

like I went to the bank recently and I said to them,

"I want to buy a house", you know?

And they gave me, you know, an amount of money

that they said that they would lend me.

So what I did was I Googled around Britain

to see how far my money will go

based on the area, if I choose to live in the area.

So in Edinburgh I can afford to buy a two-bedroomed apartment

on the outskirts of Edinburgh.

Then I went down into England,

into Manchester, I can buy a two-bedroomed house in Manchester.

Then I went to Stoke in England,

I can buy all of Stoke.

LAUGHTER

Every last inch.

They'll even make me mayor,

that's how much investment they need in the area.

Then I went to Milton Keynes.

I can buy a two-bedroomed terraced house

on the outskirts of Milton Keynes.

And then I went into London,

I can buy a small cappuccino.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely fantastic.

Thank you very much, good night!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Give it up for Andrew Ryan!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's exciting times in Scotland, everything's happening. Innit?

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

I'd imagine that's just something people say, innit?

"A real feel-good factor about Scotland right now",

because we had the Commonwealth Games,

and we're hosting the European Music Awards in Glasgow.

That'll be good, music fans.

Guy in the front row, what you in to?

Jethro Tull.

-What... Who?

-LAUGHTER

Jethro Tull? That's the genre of music you like?

LAUGHTER

Get a camera right on it. Expose that man. Get in there.

LAUGHTER

What's Jethro Tull's biggest hit?

Living In The Past.

Living In The Past.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I take it that's a song that speaks to you, sir?

You need to get into Element Four, into the new bands.

One Direction, boy bands.

Have we any Directioners in, any 1D fans?

-AUDIENCE: Whoo!

-Yeah, everybody loves them.

# Danced all night to the best song ever... #

# Crazy, crazy, crazy Till we see the sun... #

Every pop song these days is singing about that -

until we see the sun.

# Until six in the morning We're gonna party on down

# Until six in the morning... #

Singing about parties that have got scheduled end times.

LAUGHTER

Ever tried to get a bunch of your pals

to leave your house at six in the morning?

Mayhem would ensue. "Yous want to call it a night?"

"Hear that?" "Look, man, the shop's opening, we'll get cans."

"It's only six in the morning."

Some guy walking about your living room, steaming,

looking for a Nokia charger -

that's what happens at six in the morning.

Just so he can continue an argument with his missus -

"I told you I was having a mad wan."

That's the only justification for having a mad one,

he TOLD her he was having a mad one.

That's it.

"I thought you were going to your maw's to watch Strictly, anyway?"

"It's six o'clock in the morning, Ryan."

"How do I know what time Strictly finishes?"

Highlights of the game, a game of Fifa that was played

about three hours ago still playing on the telly,

he's looking up thinking it's Sky Sports, eh?

"When did Auxerre beat Brazil?"

"I'll be home after the game, fuck's sake."

-What's your name, sir?

-Iain.

-Where are you from, Iain?

-Erm, I live in Edinburgh now.

-You live in Edinburgh now.

-So, where are you from, Iain?

-Belfast.

You're from Belfast. I love the accent, though.

You make me sound like Michael Buble over there.

-NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:

-"There's a bomb in the biscuit tin."

That's...that's the way they sound.

No, it's calmed a wee bit, innit? It was the Troubles, it's calmed.

Golf, that's the thing, innit?

Rory McIlroy, Darren Clarke, Graeme McDowell.

They've ditched the guns and bought golf clubs, it's good to see.

They're still chucking the odd petrol bomb,

but they're shouting "fore".

And, erm, giving each other a bit of feedback on their swing,

-NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:

-"Just bend your knees.

"Shoulders square on, visualise the...

"Get the police station in your sights there just now."

No, we're excited.

We're having an independence referendum up here that's...

Everybody...everybody's talking about it.

Whatever happens in September,

I reckon the whole... the whole country could go and resit

their Higher Modern Studies, there's people who are clued up.

We should have it every four years, just keep having referendums,

that's what will get Scottish people through a World Cup,

just a referendum, something to talk about.

And then the year England win it, that's when we go independent.

That's the way, that's the feeling.

Now that's when you see debates, six in the morning in house parties.

I don't want to see Alastair Darling

and Alex Salmond on a podium on the telly.

A house party, that's where you get guys

lighting a fag off a toaster giving their tuppence worth.

"See if we vote no, mate, we're like...

"we're like Rhianna getting back with Chris Brown, mate, that's us.'

That's the kind of stuff Alex Salmond needs to say

to really capture the mood in the nation on that leadership debate,

just start calling him a shite bag and stuff.

"What about the economic risks?"

"What about them, buck-awk, shite bag?"

That's what he needs...

He'll win the people's hearts if he done that, just, "Buck-awk!

"Buck, buck, buck, buck!

Maybe throw him a wee dummy punch

just to make him flinch on the telly.

"Nae currency union, ya bam!"

Anyway. Make some noise for the fantastic Angela Barnes.

APPLAUSE

Hello.

How are you doing, are you all right? Good, good.

I should start with a little bit of a disclaimer.

I'm ever so sorry, I've got a very croaky voice at the moment,

it's reached that part of the Fringe.

I know it's bad, right, cos I got a cold call this morning

and people who cold call you,

they'll use a croaky voice to try and get you on side.

She said, "Hello, is that Miss Barnes?" I said, "Yes, speaking."

She said, "Oh, you sound like you've got a terrible cold."

I said, "You sound like you got a third in Media Studies from Luton.

"What do you want?"

We'll crack on. I knew I was looking rough this morning when I was

walking down the Royal Mile and nobody handed me a flier for a show.

Nobody, but somebody did hand me a leaflet called

"The Truth About Drugs."

Charming. Ain't it, charming?

I don't do drugs, ladies and gentlemen, I don't...

but I do worry that I might be missing out a little bit.

All right? So I've got a plan

and that is that I'm going to start doing class A drugs

when I'm in my eighties because why wouldn't you, right?

You haven't got to get up in the morning, have you, right?

You'll never have trouble finding a vein.

And I tell you what?

You might not be able to afford to heat a bungalow

but I bet you could afford to heat a teaspoon,

then you won't give a shit how cold you are.

I can't believe the amount of sports people that do drugs -

that blows my mind.

We had Lance Armstrong, didn't we?

Last year Frankie Dettori the jockey got a six month ban

from horse racing for using cocaine.

Now call me naive, but in horse racing...

..wouldn't it make more sense to drug the horse?

Unless you're planning on carrying that thing

to the finishing line, I don't know.

But apparently they do, they do drug their horses.

A couple of trainers got done recently for drugging their horses.

I mean, presumably not with cocaine, right?

I don't know if you've ever tried to get a horse into a toilet cubicle?

If you have, your stag do's gone horribly wrong, innit?

Think of the mess it would make - you'd be like that.

I tell you what, though, if you are planning on drugging your horses,

you want to make damn sure that the rider's not on drugs as well

cos you know what happens, don't you?

If you've got a horse that's on drugs and a rider on drugs -

dressage.

So I am, er, I am a single woman.

I've been doing a lot of online dating recently.

-Have we got any online daters in?

-SOME CHEERING

We've got more than that, you liars. I've seen loads of faces I recognise

so far from OK Cupid, don't you give me that.

I love it, I treat it like a hobby.

Right, I've got a spreadsheet. It's brilliant, I love it.

I went on a few dates with this guy recently,

see what you think, went on a few dates with this guy

and we were getting on, so I thought I'd invite him round to my house

for dinner, which I did.

And, erm, we went to bed together because I'm a bit of a slag

and, erm...and we were about to get down to it and he said

something to me that no-one's ever said to me before, he said,

"Angela, I'd really like it if you'd let me cover you in toothpaste?"

You don't seem shocked by that at all, is that a thing?

Because, for a start, it's got a certain deep heat quality to it,

if you know what I'm saying?

So if you're going to cover me in a toiletry, at least make it Immac

and save me a job later.

Toothpaste. Oh, and he brought his own toothpaste with him.

Yeah, and it wasn't the cheap stuff either, it was Oral B, which,

incidentally, is also what I've graded him on my spreadsheet.

I've been...I've been, erm, I've been swimming a lot.

I learned to swim this year, I know, 37 and just learnt to swim.

I thought next year I might join the Brownies, we'll see how that goes.

Did you know in the Brownies they've now got a self-esteem badge.

How shitty are you going to feel if you don't get it?

I recently, I recently did a sponsored swim

and it was 1,500 metres and I'd only just learned to swim

and one of the people that was there cheering me on was Duncan Goodhew.

And he was there cheering me on and because I was the slowest,

I was the last one left in the pool at the end of this sponsored swim

and he jumped in and he joined me for my last length.

How cool is that? Right, I had no idea he was going to do it.

I looked behind me, I thought

one of my tits had fallen out of my swimming costume.

I think he quite enjoyed it when I tried to put it back in again.

Enjoy the rest of your night.

I've been Angela Barnes, thank you very much.

CHEERING

Angela Barnes.

Give it up please for Marlon Davis.

CHEERING

-Yes! Hello!

-ALL: Hello!

Every time I'm on stage, I always get women throwing

themselves at me.

All right, maybe not tonight. I used to, you know.

I've been with my girlfriend for seven years,

I've been doing stand-up for eight,

but in that first year it used to happen all of the time.

Now I'm looking at everyone's faces in this room,

they're, like, "No, you're shaped like an avocado, right?"

How can this even be true?

But it did, I remember coming off stage once and a girl came up to me

after the show and she said, "Do you want to hang out?"

I said, "Yeah, let's hang out." And she brought me round to her place

and when I got into her place, do you know what she said?

"I can't sleep with you but I can give you head?"

And I said, "Do you know what? that's more than what I expected.

"If that's what you want to do, I am not going to stop you, right?"

And as soon as she said that, she left the room,

she left me in her living room.

Now I don't know this girl from nowhere

so I'm trying to work out who she is just from her furnishings.

And she had an Elton John wig there and I saw some tassels as well

and I saw a whip and I thought, "OK, this girl's a freak."

But she was gone for a little bit too long for my liking,

like, five minutes had gone past,

seven minutes, she still hasn't returned and at the back of my mind,

this council estate mind, I started to think, "You know what?

"This could be a honey trap,"

cos she just saw me getting paid cash from this gig.

Maybe...maybe she's after my £17.50, right?

Maybe this is what's going on?

But she's gone for ages now so I don't see her.

So what I done was, I opened up the door that she disappeared from.

Now I'm in a hallway with three more doors in it

so it's like Alice In Wonderland, right?

And I went to the first door and I opened it up and I said, "Hello?"

And I got no answer, so I walked down to the end of the corridor,

opened up the second door and there was a man handcuffed to a bed.

A skinny little white man handcuffed to a bed and he saw me

and he was like, "Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh!"

And I saw that, so I started panicking.

I was like, "What the hell is going on in here?!"

And the man's like, "Arrgh! Arrgh! Arrgh!"

Cos I'm a big black man and this could be Pulp Fiction!

And the girl came running from the third room,

she goes, "Oh, my God, what's going on?

"You've upset my slave!"

And me and the guy's looking at each other, like, which one's the slave?

And she said, "Go back to where you came from?"

I was, like, "What, the living room or culturally?" I don't understand.

Erm, well, that's what happened

and, sir, it's very nice to see you got out the room.

So it is. But I don't do anything of this any more, like I said,

cos I'm, erm, I'm in a relationship now to an amazing girl, amazing!

You know, sometimes I think she's so...too good for me, cos I look

at myself and I think to myself, "Oh, my God, she's beautiful

"and she's intelligent, like, how did I end up with a girl like that?"

And sometimes I see her looking at me

thinking the exact same thing.

Like, "Why am I with this man?" Right?

Especially when she sees me lying down in a bed all day,

that's what I love to do, just lie down in a bed.

And I lie there and I'm there and I've got, er, I've got Wotsits.

And there's never enough Wotsits, is there?

So I have to buy multipack Wotsits.

And I don't even sit down and eat them, I lie down, in my bed,

and eat these Wotsits and I've got Football Manager

open on my laptop and I'm the happiest I ever am.

Until she comes home and she's upset with me because the place is

a mess, there's clothes everywhere, there's dishes all piled up.

She comes marching up the stairs, she kicks the door open,

and she sees this big fat walrus lying down in a bed with a sea

of empty Wotsit packets and she goes, "What's going on in here?

"You've done nothing all day, what have you done?"

But she doesn't know I've won the Champions League!

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Marlon Davis, thank you very much.

Good night!

CHEERING

Give it up for Marlon Davis.

CHEERING

This guy's all the way from New York via Dublin.

He used to put me up, let me stay on his couch in Dublin,

a big mate of mine.

Welcome to the stage - Des Bishop!

APPLAUSE

Ah, thank you so much. Thank you.

It's...it's so nice to be here.

Now, I'm from America but I live in Ireland a long time

but, actually, for the last year and a half, I've been living in China.

I tried to learn enough Chinese

in a year to do stand-up comedy in Chinese.

Right? Er, there are many reasons why.

Before I learned how to speak the Irish language, which opened me up

to a market of 60,000 people, so I said, "The next time I learn

"a language, I'm going all out."

1.3 billion of those people, right?

Soon I won't be needing you white folks, I have a whole new market.

But the main reason I went

is because I used to have a really, really good Chinese friend,

he used to live in Ireland, he moved back to China, Seamus.

Now...Seamus wasn't the name his mother gave him.

Obviously, I don't know if you know this

but years ago in Ireland we had an economy and people went to Ireland

to work, so these guys would stay in host families, right?

The host family would go to the airport to greet them,

they'd be like, "Welcome to Ireland. What is your name?"

And the Chinese guys would be like, "Shun Chi Yu."

And the family would be like, "Seamus!

"Welcome to Ireland, Seamus.

"There'll be no Shun Chi Yu in this house unless we're eating it, OK?

"In fact, I'll tell you what, we'll all go for a Chinese, will we?

"You can order.

"I've been eating number 63 my whole life,

"chicken curry, half rice, half chips,

"Do you have that in China, do you?"

That's Ireland's favourite Chinese dish -

chicken curry, half rice, half chips,

cos it's not dinner unless there's potatoes in it.

"We have to have half potatoes but I'll have half rice as well,

"I'm not racist."

So, while I was in China, I learned Chinese.

And during the summer last year, I actually worked for a month

in a real Chinese restaurant, right on the border of Russia for a month,

full Chinese as a welcomer, a greeter, who welcomes people in.

And I had a very interesting experience.

My job was very simple, customers would arrive and I would say

"huanying guanglin," which means you are very welcome

and then customers would leave and I would say...

HE SPEAKS MANDARIN

Right, very simple job every day welcome and leave

but three weeks into the job, three Chinese guys arrive.

I say, "huanying guanglin," and then one of them really loudly,

in front of everybody in the restaurant,

says "huanying guanglin" and does a shit version of my shit Chinese.

And I said, "Hold on a minute, buddy.

"You can't do a bad version of my bad Chinese, that's racist.

"I am the only white guy in the village."

I was the only white guy in this small Chinese city of

950,000 people.

I was the only white guy in the town.

So I said to him, "At least have the decency, mate.

"We've all been out with the buddies, we all like a bit of un-PC

"humour, wait till you get to the table then you can make fun of me.

"Nobody can hear you, no problem."

You know, "Hey, look at the white guy with his huanying guanglin.

"How bad was his Chinese?

"Huanying guanglin, huanying guanglin, huanying guanglin!"

Fine, I can take that if I can't hear it

but you can't huanying guanglin me, cos I'll tell you right now, buddy,

if we were in Dublin or New York or Edinburgh

and I walked into the Chinese restaurant and the welcomer was

like, "Oh, you are very welcome" and I went, "Oh, you are very welcome.

"Welcome to our restaurant. You want fried rice?"

Well, I'd be arrested, so don't huanying guanglin me, asshole!

And I'll tell you right now you are lucky. You are lucky, buddy,

that I am a comedian because I would've been upset. I would've been

upset except the minute that you said it I couldn't help but think

this is going to rip it when I take this back to Edinburgh next year.

Anyway, thanks very much. I've been Des Bishop.

Thank you, have a good night. Thank you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Des Bishop.

Everybody give it up please for Ivo Graham.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening.

This is very exciting,

this is one of those moments where doing comedy feels really cool.

It doesn't always feel cool. I'll tell you about the least cool moment of my comedy career.

It was a few months ago on the way back from a gig on a train.

It's one of these trains where there are no plug

sockets in standard class but you can't move for them in first class.

I needed to charge my phone to make an urgent phone call

so I crept into first class, not for a permanent upgrade,

just for long enough to get me some of that sweet, sweet juice.

Stopped by the ticket inspector, asked me to leave,

I said, "I need to make this call, it's important."

We came to a compromise in the end and the compromise was

that my phone could stay in first class but I could not.

Let me tell you that is a grim, grim 35 minutes

from Walton-on-Thames to Waterloo

standing in the nether zone, peering through the glass at your

iPhone enjoying a better quality of life than you can currently afford.

Not a very cool person.

I went to parties as a teenager, about one a year to keep my hand in.

I was a big hit with the parents, parents loved me.

They knew what they were getting from the other

boys at their daughter's parties, they were getting red wine stains on the carpet and hormones.

They knew what they were getting from me,

a box of Roses at the start of the night, a hand with the washing up

and a thank you letter in the first class post the following day.

I don't like to boast much in my comedy

but I'm not ashamed to say that I write a good thank you letter.

Beautiful paper, beautiful handwriting, minimum two sides.

I would always write my address in the top right hand corner

just in case any of the mums wanted to write back -

they never did but it's good to give them the option.

The date underneath, the classic six figure date formation -

day, month, year.

Unless it was an American family obviously in which case it

was day, month, year, because they've got to learn.

Changing the world one letter at a time. It's very exciting.

My life's got more exciting recently

because I've started seeing a woman, it's very exciting.

And she's been seeing me obviously that's crucial.

Two directional seeing on a regular basis, who'd have thought it, finally!

It's taken me a long time in my life but I've got there.

It's very, very exciting. Is she my girlfriend? Yes and no.

That's my response and her response respectively.

It's very exciting.

I'm not going to talk about the sex itself, I think

that's a bit crude. It's quite difficult.

It's just a serious of things that can go wrong, really.

On a good day you'll pull a muscle,

on a bad day, you'll create a life. No, thank you.

If I wanted to pull muscles while creating lives,

I'd play the Sims on a treadmill.

I tell you what's exciting is the reaction from other men.

I'll tell you about the first night I went back to hers.

We kissed at a party, we then shared a taxi from the party,

it was a taxi of purely geographical logic.

I can't stress that enough.

Her flat was halfway between the party and my flat, it made sense.

But we never got to my flat.

A bit of kissing in the back of the cab,

we pull up outside her flat, she says,

"Oh, you can, you can just come and stay the night here if you want?"

That's not the exciting bit of the story,

the exciting bit of the story is getting to say to the taxi driver,

"Actually, mate, we'll both be getting off here if that's all right?"

Whoo.

You don't understand, you don't understand because you weren't there.

It's like Vietnam, you'd have understood if you'd been there.

If you'd seen the taxi driver's face,

the most amazing mixture of emotions on his face.

I think obvious anger at being referred to as mate by a posh child,

but also a paternal pride in my achievement.

I say paternal metaphorically, he wasn't my actual father.

My father was not there.

My father plays no part in this story apart from denying it

had happened the following morning.

But I put him in his place.

If it didn't happen, Dad,

then who am I writing this thank you letter to?

Thanks so much for having me, guys, it's been very exciting. Goodbye!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Give it up for Ivo Graham.

Please welcome to the stage James Acaster.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you. Cheers. Good to see you. Nice to be here, Edinburgh.

Er, I'm feeling a bit home sick.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

I miss Pret a Manger. I love Pret a Manger.

If you don't know Pret a Manger, it's an authentic French restaurant.

So much in there, so much to manger.

Just so much, I love manger in there so much.

I could've worked at Pret a Manger, man, I could've been the supervisor.

I turned it down.

Too much pressure.

Too much pressure, man.

Leadership looks fun, it's stressful.

It's like if you ever see anyone leading a conga.

Oh, on the outside they're loving it sure. The whole time just...

LAUGHTER

In their heads, "I don't know where I'm going.

"I didn't plan a route.

"I never asked for any of this.

"Oh, God, I miss my family."

Everyone's trapped...in the conga.

You think you can leave, you can't leave.

The person at the back, maybe. They can let go, make a run for it.

Everyone else, you let go, you're not out of the conga.

Now you're the leader of a rival conga.

LAUGHTER

Now you've got turf wars to worry about.

Worst case scenario, you're second from the back, you let go,

the person behind you loves congas, isn't giving up for anyone.

Now you've got to try and mingle with a maniac on your hips.

Going to have a serious discussion about Twelve Years a Slave,

they're still going hell for leather.

You'd have to go swimming just to get rid of them.

Trying to better myself.

Trying to learn how to play pool lately.

That's hard though before you even start.

Got to set the balls up in that triangle.

I don't know what order they're meant to go in.

It's like seven yellows, seven reds, one black,

they're not in an easy to memorise pretty pattern.

If you want to remember the order of the colours

of the rainbow just remember Richard of York Gave Battle In Vain, right?

Easy.

It's nothing like that when it comes to the pool balls...

..until now.

I had a night out off, I got a pen and paper out.

Now, if I ever need to set those pool balls up

I just remember Renovating Your Rock'n'roll Bungalow Yielded

Yesterday's Ritalin Yet Raspberry Ripple Ying Yangs Repel Yoghurt.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Or Systematically Sellotaping Steven Spielberg's Broken See Saws

In Satellite Signals Southbound So Sushi Seems Suspicious,

if you're playing spots and stripes.

Goodbye!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Give it up for James Acaster.

Finishing in style, make some noise please for Pete Firman.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's lovely. That's very nice. Good evening, hope you're all well.

My name's Peter Firman, I'm a magician.

I'm going to warm you up with a card trick.

-There's a lady here with a black top. What's your first name?

-Trish.

Trish, Trish, Trish?

Trish, Trish, take this pack of cards,

I'm just going to toss it to you there, Trish.

Ensure that is a perfectly ordinary pack of cards and take your time

because we're going to do the trick with this deck.

Trish, are you familiar with a deck of cards?

All the faces are different, all the backs are the same,

nothing to do with me, that's how they make them.

Little bit of humour there.

Tiny, tiny bit of humour there, don't judge.

OK, Trish, I'm going to have you select a card in the fairest manner that I know.

I'm going to let the cards fall,

they're going to fall from hand to hand and you're going to say stop

and wherever you say stop, that'll be the card that you pick.

-Understood? All right, so just as they go from paw to paw.

-Stop!

-Missed it that time Trish, that's fine now.

-Stop!

Wait until I start, Trish, all right?

Starting to get on my tits.

3,000 people, could've picked anyone.

All right, so just as they go from hand to hand there, Trish.

Missed it again, Trish.

Trish, I'm not asking you to crack the Da Vinci code here, flower.

It's one word. That's all there is to this.

So just as they go...it's not easy,

there's 52 chances it's not easy.

-OK, so just, Trish, I'll go...

-Stop!

Very good! Trish take the card that you've stopped me at.

Pop to the edge of the stage here. Have a little peeky-poos.

Very good. Take it off there. Very good, Trish.

Trish, I've got a pen inside my pocket

and what I'd like you do is I'll take that other deck from you,

if I grab that, Trish, there we go.

And if you can take the pen and write your name, nice and big

capital letters on the face of the card that you hold in your hands.

Nice and big. Gentleman friend here? Hello, mate, what's your name?

-Lee.

-Lee! Having a good time there, Lee?

-Not bad.

-Good stuff.

Do me a favour, Lee, just blink every now and then, it's a bit creepy.

And...just try and keep your eyes above my crotch, it's off-putting.

Trish, how you doing? You done that?

There's not many letters, it's not, it's not tough.

All right, I'll take it back, I'll take it back.

Now, Trish, if I hold it like this, is that the right way round

-for your name, is it that way?

-Yes.

OK, so I'll, I'm going to show this, you can return to your seat there, Trish.

Friends, this is Trish's card. I don't know the value,

I don't know the orientation of the signature, have a good look.

Trish has virtually bent it in half

so it should be a doddle to find.

I appreciate the help, Trish,

because I'm not as good as the other boys.

I'm going to mix up the card in the pack and I'm going to show you

a few slight of hand manoeuvres. If you're in a game of cards, these

are the moves to look for. First manoeuvre is called a riffle shuffle.

This is called a riffle shuffle, that's that one, that's a riffle.

Next one's called a Paris Hilton shuffle.

Paris Hilton shuffle. Looks good, does bugger all.

Oh, is she in, is she in? No, not here, all right.

Next is the rarely seen, quite difficult,

sometimes this gets a little pitter patter of applause,

this is the one handed riffle shuffle.

Let's see if this is achievable in Edinburgh.

Oh, the boy wonder is halfway there. Yikes.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ten years of my life. OK, I...

That's called springing the cards there...pardon me.

Now, Trish, do you remember about three

and a half weeks ago, you selected a card?

And I've shuffled up the pack, mixed them up,

I've shuffled them up. Inside of my pocket here, Trish,

I've got a little envelope which happens to be empty.

I'm going to drop the pack of cards inside of said stationary.

I'm going to give them a little mixy-moo like that.

I've got one more manoeuvre to show you, people.

This one is called the Glasgow shuffle, this is the Glasgow shuffle.

You mix them...pal.

OK, I'm going to skewer the envelope on the blade of the knife.

At the moment, Trish, you're thinking of one card and one card alone.

If it's got your name across it, we'll know it straight away.

One, two, buckle my shoe.

One card and one card alone, friends, it is the ten of diamonds.

Her name on it, give her a huge round of applause. Thank you, Trish.

eBay. You guys are nice, I'm Pete Firman, have a nice night.

Thank you very much, good night!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Firman.

You have been watching Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.

I'm Kevin Bridges, good night. Thank you!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING