Episode 2 Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live

It's Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.

Please welcome...Seann Walsh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Oh, wonderful, thank you.

Hello, Edinburgh!

AUDIENCE CHEER

Hello, welcome to Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live!

AUDIENCE CHEER

It's been a year since I've been here in Edinburgh.

But a year I... A lot has happened to me,

it's been a big year for me since I was last here.

I have met and moved in with my girlfriend.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

Thank you, yes! Do you know what it's like?

You have to change, you have to adapt,

different ways of looking at life.

She thinks that when the dishwasher has finished the dishes,

you put them in the cupboard.

HE GIGGLES

Whereas if you're me, the dishwasher is now the cupboard.

Why would you take something out of a box that cleans them

and put them in one that doesn't, it makes no sense.

Now the flat has to be spotless, at all times,

in case we have guests. Guests!

I used to have friends.

I remember friends would come round, we'd talk nonsense then go out.

What are these guests doing?

Coming round and then leaving comments on Trip Advisor?

"I was having a great time until I saw a DVD out of its case,

"two stars." What?!

I've had to cut down on the drinking.

I'm still allowed to go out, but I'm not allowed to come home drunk.

Sorry, what, whu, how...? How does that work?

What do you want me to do? Meet them in the front garden?

I have to go out sober, with my friends, whilst they're drunk.

Do you know what you learn doing that?

Your friends are twats.

I have to talk to them whilst they've got drunk eyes. Drunk eyes!

Do you know drunk eyes? I've paid attention.

Drunk eyes are when you have to keep your eyes closed

for the entire duration that you turn your head to talk to someone else.

Do you know this?

I'll be at the pub, there'll be a few of us.

My friend, Drunk Tom, starts talking.

SLURRING: "Have...have...have you seen, have you seen Godzilla?

"You have? Did you like it?

"You did?"

"What's your opinion?"

APPLAUSE

I, um... I love living with my girlfriend.

But... And I do,

but there are some things that it's very difficult to adjust to.

For example, she is one of these...

..morning people.

Do you know the morning people?

It might not shock you to know I am not one of these morning people.

I hate waking up.

I mean, I can't stand it, even if I've got to wake up

for something good, like going on holiday.

I mean, oh, my God, the alarm goes off.

It can't just be me that thinks, "I could just not go."

I can lock myself in for a week, tell everyone I went,

it was brilliant, that'll do.

But she's not like that, she's up straight away. Boing!

Saying things.

Talking. What is there to talk about? Nothing's happened yet!

She's up straight away. "Come on, darling,

"otherwise you'll miss the day."

I am trying to miss the day.

I hate the day.

The day is where you've got to do all the stuff you don't want to do.

Go to work, talk to people at the bank, reply to emails,

put lids back on things.

Put your shoes on, take your shoes off, wash yourself,

even worse, dry yourself!

How dull is that? Oh, my God.

Every day just going, "When is this going to end? I'm so bored!

"My God! Isn't there an app for this? Come on!"

Why haven't they invented a Dyson body dryer yet?

Why has that not happened?

The Airblade body dryer.

You get out the bath, ten seconds of brrr...

and then you carry on with your day.

She's not into all this.

She's into waking up, she wakes me up. She wakes me up!

The other day she woke me up to tell me...she was going out.

HE SCREAMS

What?! Come on!

"Darling, darling...woo-oo... I'm going out."

STRAINED: Let's just assume that when I wake up

and you're not there,

I don't think we're playing hide and seek!

Sometimes she wakes me up, pretends that she's being nice.

So that I have no room to moan.

She'll wake me up, "Darling, darling, I made you a cup of tea."

How can I want a cup of tea?!

I'm asleep, I don't want anything!

And you've not made a cup of tea, have you?

You've not made a cup of tea,

you've made a plan that I have to get up and do.

She's got these things that she wakes me up with.

She's got a noise gun, do you know the noise gun?

She's got a noise gun, you must know the noise gun?

Come on, it's got that other function

where it dries your hair. That piece of shit!

Every morning. IMITATES NOISY HAIRDRYER

ROARS: Wake the hell up!

With special noise spray. IMITATES SPRAYING

Dee-doo-dee-doo.

Straighteners.

Me and my girlfriend live around the corner from my football team,

so I go to the games. She doesn't like the games.

She doesn't like the abuse the players get.

She thinks they get too much abuse. They do get quite a lot of abuse.

I mean, I know they get paid a lot of money,

but I have started to actually feel sorry for them.

My God, imagine being called a wanker by 20,000 people.

Only in football is that OK.

In no other job would you allow that.

Imagine Tesco's...

..working behind the counter.

Just... Beep! Beep!

"Oh, hang on, sorry."

Everyone in Tesco's turns round. "You wanker, wanker! Concentrate!

"Look at the bar code, would you? You wanker!" "Sorry, sorry, sorry,

"I do apologise, sorry, I'm so sorry."

Someone asks you for directions. "Excuse me. Hi, yeah.

"Can you tell me where the mushrooms are, please?"

"Yeah, if you just follow me this way, down this side...

"Oh, what am I talking about. Sorry!

"We have moved things about a little bit, I'm so sorry." "You bellend!"

"Why don't you concentrate which way you're going, you bell?!

"Huh? Piss off back to Sainsbury's, go on, piss off!"

Can't go to the corner of the supermarket

otherwise people start chucking 50ps at you.

And the abuse continues after the final whistle.

Imagine that at Tesco's?

You finish your shift...

Get home every Saturday, sit down, try and relax,

half ten, BBC One -

three former Tesco's employees...

..sit down and analyse how shit you were at work.

Six different angles, zooming in, highlighting you.

AS ALAN HANSEN: "You cannot afford to drop the change at this level,

"that is just not good enough."

"If you're going to put six pints of milk in a bag,

"you'd need to double bag."

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the first act of the evening?

CHEERING Yes.

It's a pleasure, a pleasure for me to introduce this man.

He's a great friend of mine. I know you're going to love him.

Please welcome, Romesh Ranganathan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Very excited to be here.

It is, it's great to be in Edinburgh.

I sort of worry about coming to Edinburgh every year

because I'm a vegan, I'm a vegan.

-Are there any vegans in?

-Woo!

One of you. The rest of you enjoy life.

I am hungry all of the time.

I was vegetarian up until about a year ago.

I said to my wife, "I'm thinking about being vegan."

She said to me, "You can't become vegan, dickhead.

"Nobody's going to invite us around for dinner

"if you're going to be so bloody awkward."

And I thought what better reason to become a vegan...

..than to not go to people's houses for dinner, I hate it.

And I understand why you don't want to be vegan,

apart from that one person.

I get it because vegetarian food is rubbish. It is, isn't it?

I mean, it is, it's not my opinion, it's a fact.

I tell you why it's a fact.

The vegetarian food industry, they admit it.

They admit it because they make vegetarian food

that looks and tastes like meat.

That's the biggest admission going.

I've never seen it happening the other way.

I've never seen a pork chop masquerading as a nut loaf,

it doesn't happen.

I don't understand the logic behind it.

I don't want to eat meat, but I want my vegetarian food

to look and taste as much like meat as possible. Why is that ok?

It's like saying, I don't like racism but I find it quite exciting

to sometimes get my friends to black up and I shout abuse at them.

I mean, I realise that's quite a leap.

I was at a wedding a while ago,

and I don't know if they do this at weddings you go to.

But weddings that I go to, what they always do part way through

the proceedings, bring out an Indian buffet, yeah? To soak up the booze.

Somebody's dancing like a twat,

throw a bhaji at them. That's the strategy.

So anyway, I'm eating this bhaji...

..and I'm thinking to myself,

I can't believe that anyone would want to eat food with animals in it

when there's wonderful food like this that doesn't have animals in it.

I said to my mate, "Aren't these onion bhajis amazing?"

He said, "Yes, mate. Yes, they are. But they're lamb pakoras."

I keep finding out, though, about stuff that I can't eat as a vegan.

Like, for example, you know you can't have honey as a vegan,

did you know that?

Can't have honey. Do you know why? Bee slavery.

It's bee slavery, mate.

Think about it, you put them in a little prison,

then every so often you come over, pump some smoke in, get them stoned

and then burgle them.

How harsh is that? And if you're the bee,

that is just when you want some honey. When you're on a comedown.

And you can't have it because we've nicked it.

Can you imagine how you'd feel as a bee?

Like, "Dude, I am mash up. What happened last night, bruv?"

"Dude, I've got no idea, I just need some honey to get over this, mate.

"Oh, my God! What happened there, what happened?

"Dude, I told you you shouldn't have trusted that astronaut."

I like going out in Edinburgh to eat, but I have problems.

I love going out for Indian, absolutely love it.

I took my wife out for Indian a while ago.

She... Well, we got into an argument

because she didn't think it was funny that I asked

if we could get a discount if I sat in the window.

But I think that's a deal.

If you see me in there, you're going to eat in there, mate.

I mean, come on, man, THEY'RE eating in there.

It's so good he's managed to convince a white woman to join him.

I don't understand why we wouldn't eat in here.

I love Indian food but the problem is...

I don't know if there are any Asians in here,

but the problem I find is whenever I go to an Indian with my friends,

my friends all assume that I'm some sort of curry Jedi.

AS YODA: Mmm, hot the jalfrezi is!

It's unbelievable, we're sitting down for a meal

and one of my friends will say to me,

"Um, Romesh, tell me.

"What's in this, um..." HE LAUGHS

"What's in this saag aloo? What's in that?"

HE CHUCKLES SMUGLY

Oh, I'll tell you what's in this saag aloo, my friend.

This is an Indian. I'm Sri Lankan.

Why don't you tell me what you know about tortellini, you prick?

I've been Romesh Ranganathan. Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fantastic stuff.

Ladies and gentlemen, this next act, I love her,

I know you're going to love her. Please welcome Shappi Khorsandi!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello!

-Hello!

Oh, it's brilliant to be back in Edinburgh.

I missed the festival last year because I had a baby

and I brought her with me this year. She's 13 months old now,

so we've got to get on because she's in the car.

I have two of them now.

I have two of the children, and my boy is, he's six.

What a glorious age six is.

That lovely age where he'll say to me,

"Mummy, Mummy, can we play Harry Potter?"

"Of course we can, my darling."

And I'll lock him in the cupboard under the stairs,

for the summer.

I'm a single mum, ladies and gentlemen.

My children are with two different fathers

and I'm not with either father

and I've never even seen a whole episode of Jeremy Kyle before.

And I've been thinking, why did I end up in this situation?

It's not what I planned.

And I think it's because I'm not very good at ending relationships.

I find having a baby just sort of neatly, cleanly draws a line,

without any awkward conversation.

When you are a single mum giving birth in an NHS hospital,

all the staff, all the health workers

automatically assume that you're a lesbian,

and they are so cool about this that you know they've been on a course.

They have been on a Don't Bat An Eyelash course,

Don't Ask Any Questions.

They were extra hospitable to me on the ward.

They put a rainbow bedspread on the bed,

and a pair of very comfortable shoes.

And...it was delightful to see actually,

because it's taken us so long

to get that kind of equality for gay people.

It was only this year that the same-sex marriage bill was passed,

and the night it was passed, my mother rang me.

She was all jubilant cos she was out in Soho celebrating

with my brother, cos my brother's going to be gay.

When my dad dies.

You know, being a female comedian at the festival

you get interviewed and journalists always say to me,

"Is it harder being a female comedian than a male comedian, is it harder?"

I don't know, I've never been a male comedian.

I don't wake up in the morning and go, "Look, I'm a woman again!"

Right? But this job, stand-up comedy, right?

We put our egos on the line for rejection, all the time.

We get live rejection, and I think more men stick at this job

because, come here...I think men are more used to rejection.

You know, you are the ones that have to put yourselves out there

and you're not allowed to cry.

I asked a guy out once, he said no,

I didn't talk to a man again for seven years.

But you men, I've seen you.

You've got to steel yourself from very young ages, aged 15, 16, 25.

You go out to a club, you have a few beers, you go up to some girl

and go, "Oh, would you, will you, er, have a drink with me?

"Oh, no, you laughed at me, clearly you're out of my league.

"What about you, would you?

"Oh, my friends are watching, pop my collar.

"Oh, no, you all laughed at me too

"and did that to imply that I had a little cock."

"Will you go out with me? Not you, darling, I'm not that desperate."

That's why when a young, promising female comedian,

she gets rejected by the audience, they don't laugh,

she is more likely to walk off going, "OK, plan B, I'll be a teacher."

But a young promising male comedian,

if he dies on stage and no-one laughs,

he is more likely to walk off and go, "Phew, that audience. Lesbians!"

We don't give men enough credit for what your egos have to put up with.

Right, when I was 18, I was in a nightclub

and these lads were laughing at my legs.

"You've got fat legs, hur-hur."

Now, I don't care. Look, this is what my legs are for, right?

Age 18, I cried, I ran in the loo and cried.

Other people, women, came in, not even my friends, to console me.

They're like, "Babe, do you know why he said that?

"Cos you've got beautiful skin.

"You've got beautiful skin and he knows he can't have you.

"Ain't she got beautiful skin?" That's what you say to fat girls.

I came out of that loo feeling like a million dollars, right?

In the history of mankind, it has never been socially acceptable

for a man to stand in a pub or nightclub toilet going...

SHE SOBS

"She said I've got a little willy."

And if he did, other men would not come in to console him

going, "Mate, come here, what's she said to you?

"Oh, she's talking rubbish. You've got a lovely willy."

"Get in here, lads, tell him."

"What? What? Who wants a fight?

"Oh, mate. It's bigger than mine."

You have been delightful. Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Brilliant.

Ladies and gentlemen, this next act, I gigged with him

all around the country, he's brilliant, you're going to love him.

Give it up for Andrew Lawrence!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you very much.

You seem lovely, you're just a good-looking, attractive,

glamorous audience. I say that, it's dark in here, obviously.

I haven't got great eyesight either.

I've got... I sat on my glasses last week and broke them

and I had to take them into the opticians

and he said, "Have you thought about laser eye surgery?"

"I've had nightmares about it, mate.

"I've had nightmares about the smell of my own burning eyeball."

"If you had laser eye surgery,

"you'd never need to wear corrective lenses again."

"Isn't there some risk involved?" "Yeah, some risk."

"What if it all goes wrong?"

"If it goes wrong, you get a complimentary guide dog."

You seem lovely, you seem lovely.

I'm in a bad mood tonight, and I'm trying to snap out of it.

I got a disturbing text message about five minutes before

I came on stage, threw me out of sorts, which I want to read for you.

Just see what you think.

Let me see, I'll just find it.

All right, here we go.

"You're entitled to compensation for your accident three years ago,

"even if you didn't claim medical attention at the time.

"Reply yes." That's disturbing, isn't it?

Apparently I've been involved in an accident three years ago

so bad, I don't even remember it.

Either it's so horrific I've blocked it out my mind entirely,

or I've sustained a head injury so bad it's caused me permanent amnesia.

The most disturbing aspect of the whole thing is I've got

absolutely no recollection of having contacted a personal injury lawyer

and said, "Listen, I've just been involved in a horrific accident.

"Don't want to do anything about it now.

"Text message me in three years to remind me, yeah?"

I'm miserable all the time. I'm a miserable man,

and people don't know what to say to you when you're miserable, do they?

"Turn that frown upside down, Andrew."

"Oh, thanks, still miserable and now my face is broken. Any other useful tips?"

I don't know what to say to other people when they're in a bad mood.

It's really difficult.

"I feel like I'm taking one step forwards,

"two steps backwards in life, Andrew."

"What's wrong with that? Sounds like you're dancing.

"Carry on, enjoy yourself and have a good time."

"I'm struggling with depression."

"I think that's what you're supposed to be doing with it.

"Congratulations.

"At least there's something in life you haven't failed at."

I'm a negative man.

I don't like overly positive people,

people who are positive in a fake way, that annoys me.

Queasy platitudes like, "Tomorrow's another day, Andrew!"

"Not if I push you in front of a bus before midnight."

I'm just a despicable human being. Awful person, I think.

I don't make an effort to ingratiate myself with people.

Someone said, "Are you a glass half full

"or a glass half empty person, Andrew?"

I think I'm more of a glass in the face chap, I think that's who I am.

And thank goodness, thank goodness for comedy

cos I'm practically unemployable.

A lot of different jobs when I was younger,

I find I don't mix well with other people.

A cramped office, too many people working there.

The same chitchat, small talk every Monday morning.

"What did you do at the weekend, Andrew?

"What did you do at the weekend?"

HE REPEATS IN INCREASINGLY MORONIC VOICE

Have to make something up to preserve my own sanity, you know.

"I went freefall skydiving with some friends

"I met during a cage fighting tournament.

"One of them was a Saudi Arabian prince,

"he lived in a 13th century castle.

"We all went back on his diamond-encrusted private jet full of naked women and champagne.

"There was an enormous masquerade ball.

"David Bowie was there in his original costume from the Labyrinth film.

"We all went down the garden,

"jumped in the river naked, started howling at the moon.

"There was an enormous bonfire on the lawn with some small children

"trapped in it and everyone had violent sex on the grass

"intoxicated by the sound of the children's burning, tortured screams,

"and then it was dwarf-tossing in the north wing

"and one of them cracked their head off the ceiling and died,

"and on the way home we were each given a party bag full of heroin.

"So I got in, put some washing on,

"just jacked up in front of the television.

"Apart from that, it was a quiet one. what about you?"

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

Goodnight, thank you, thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, up next, a personal favourite of mine.

Go crazy, go wild for Henry Paker!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello.

Hello, hello, hi. Thank you very much.

Hello, my name is Henry.

I am a balding man, yep.

I've done what we all do eventually which is shave it close,

make it look like a decision.

Yes. I'm also growing the compensatory facial hair.

What this is saying is, I can make hair.

I've got no problem with the manufacturing,

just the distribution.

Yep. I'm also developing this, the middle-aged fat band.

It's starting to emerge here, it's getting bigger every day.

It's quite depressing, it's the first thing I see when I wake up.

The only good thing about it is that because of its positioning,

it doesn't affect my trouser size,

which is quite a nice boost.

It means that I'm still living a trouser lie.

I still get to wear 34 inch trousers.

The same trousers I bought when I was 16.

I can still proudly go to the shop.

"Yes, thank you very much, I'll have another little pair

"of 34 trousers, thank you, yes.

"I'll just slip on those little 34 trousers,

"thank you very much, lovely.

"Fold this over the top..."

"..and I'll be on my way in my skimpy little 34 trousers.

"Thank you."

Yeah, so I'm becoming middle-aged.

My friends are becoming middle-aged

and they're starting to do things that middle-aged people do.

For example, a friend of mine recently moved to the country.

And I went to visit him in the country

and as far as I can tell the country has driven my friend completely mad.

I know he's gone mad,

because on the first day I was sitting in his cottage,

having a lovely time watching television, right?

And my friend walked in

and he said something which made absolutely no sense.

He said, "Henry, I hope you've brought your walking shoes."

I thought,

I mean, is there any other kind?

I would argue that if your shoes aren't walking shoes,

they're socks.

Anyway, I went for a walk with my friend, right,

he took me for a walk,

and the walk was the most fabulously dull thing

that has ever happened to me.

The walk was so dull that my friend had to keep offering me these shit incentives.

He'd say things like, "It's all right, Henry, in 45 minutes

"when we get to the top of that hill,

"I'm going to crack open the thermos."

"Yeah, we can have a cup of tea!"

Now, a lot of the time, I can't be bothered

to walk to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

I've got to walk up a mountain,

for tea from a lid.

This is the lid of thermos tea that you end up handing round

like a sort of depressing middle-aged spliff.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Try that, yeah, yeah, yeah.

"It's good shit, yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Yeah, it's 100% uncut Tetleys, yeah."

"Yeah, I get it from this man I know hangs around in Sainsbury's, yeah."

Anyway, we reached the pinnacle of the walk, right, which was the view.

My friend was standing proudly surveying this view.

He said, "Henry, isn't it fantastic?"

And we looked out over the view, and I thought "Yeah...well, I mean,

"there is quite a lot of this sort of stuff available online."

He said, "Henry, no, no, no, it's fantastic, Henry.

"Check this out. If you look really hard in the distance,

"you're going to love this. Look really hard in the distance.

"You can just see...the cottage!"

Yeah, I had an excellent view of the cottage three hours ago.

I was inside the cottage.

I could see it in detail, I could interact with it.

They've also got tea there, in a mug.

Thank you very much, I was Henry Paker.

Thank you for listening. Goodbye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Brilliant stuff!

Up next, this guy is an Edinburgh veteran,

he's up here every year smashing it.

Give it up for Mark Watson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

So there you go, that is middle-aged, Fringe veteran.

That does make me feel... Veteran, Christ! I'm 34!

But it's true, it's ten years since I did my first Edinburgh show, ten years.

Ten years ago I did a show with a comedian called Rhod Gilbert

who, as some of you probably know,

very sadly went on to have a better career than me.

Those days, this is to put it in context how old I feel in Edinburgh.

My venue was a pub and I would be scared of being ID'd.

I used to take a passport with me because I wasn't always allowed in.

So it's very rare that that happens now.

If I go to a pub now and I don't get in, I've gone in the morning.

Sorry, cos in Scotland that joke doesn't resonate at all.

No time of day or night.

I've been asked one time for ID in the past year,

and even then it wasn't like some sort of pub raid.

It was trying to buy wine in Marks & Spencer

and the guy himself was clearly ten years younger than me.

That was the... He couldn't have been 20.

He said, "Have you got any proof that you're over 18?"

I said, "Well, yeah, I'm in Marks & Spencer, mate."

How much clearer do you want my situation in life to be? So, I start

looking through cardigans - "That's good value.

"It'll be good quality, as well, if I know my Marks and Sparks."

Oh, that made me shiver, even saying that as a joke.

That's one rule I live my life by - if you say Marks and Sparks,

time to shoot yourself in the face.

I am. I'm a dad. I've got, not just a dad.

I've got a four-year-old kid now.

I'm old enough to start saying things like Marks and Sparks.

My boy is old enough to have formed an idea of what I do for a living,

which is worrying, when you think what it is.

He's got a thing where, when I leave the house for a gig,

he says, "Be funny, Daddy".

It's really cute. Also, absolutely chilling, of course.

"Be funny, Daddy. Have a sustainable income, Daddy,

"in these uncertain times."

Might as well wave a little flag, saying,

"Will there be Christmas this year or is it one of those leap years

"you talked about last year?"

It's old enough to be setting a better example.

I should be setting a better example.

Last year, I started to drink too much,

cos its nerve-racking, of course, doing stand up.

So, you find ways around it. My cunning solution

was to drink heavily and so I started.

I know, it's not ideal, really. It was definitely... It WAS a problem.

There was a period last year - this time last year - where I'd become,

there's not really a word for it, but like a shopaholic with booze.

It's nice when some people laugh at that joke.

It cost me a year of my life, really.

I started having a little bit of wine before a gig, which is fine.

But then, it would be a half a bottle.

Nearly a bottle of wine, at one point, before a gig

and I would do that religiously. By religiously, I mean,

without really thinking it through in detail and so...

Of course, drinking too much makes you twitchy and paranoid.

You start to feel that you're not like other people and, which again

may be true, but you don't want to feel like that in everyday life.

I've had a lot of failed attempts to interact with my fellow humans.

This kind of thing is fine. It's just outside of the comfort of a theatre.

I was on the Underground in London. Got off, there was an escalator.

As I got on it, without meaning to, I got between these two mates.

One was walking very fast and one was dawdling.

So, I'm suddenly between these two guys.

The guy in front continued talking over his shoulder,

as if he was still talking to his mate. But he wasn't.

It was now me and, in fact, his mate was miles back.

And it was quite personal information. He was going on about

his girlfriend, Debs, or it could have been a wife.

It seemed like a girlfriend. "Tell you what annoys me about Debs.

"Something else Debs does. Oh, I tell you what," and so on.

I felt like I had to start going, "Yeah, yeah".

Basically, filling in for the friend that he believed was really there.

And for about a minute, I got away with it and it was going really well.

He didn't look round once. There was a bit where I got so cocky,

I even went, "Ha-ha! Debs!"

Yeah, it was. "Oh, Debs!" Not bad, considering I'd never met

any of the people in this equation before.

Of course, the moment was coming where the guy was going to find out

and I didn't know how to dig myself out of this situation.

So, of course, the moment did come. We got to the top of the escalator,

The guy said, "Shall we go for a pint?"

Swung round and, for the first time... You can imagine the scene.

Instead of his mate, down the escalator,

it was me and so I had five seconds to get myself out of the situation

with dignity. Didn't really work out.

We just looked at each other in silence and I said,

"WE'RE friends now."

But in the guy's opinion, we weren't. It was obviously a joke.

He was terrified - "No, we are not!" And he actually ran away with

his real friend, as if I was going to come after them -

"Come on what about our friendship? Let's get a DVD. Seen Marley & Me?

"There's ever such a nice dog in it." Right, I'm off in a minute.

Always leave them wanting more. That was the advice my uncle gave me.

"Leave them wanting more!" That's how he lost his job in Disaster Relief.

I save that one for last. My name's Mark Watson. Thanks very much!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Brilliant. Are you ready for your next act?

-ALL:

-Yes!

He's new to the scene. He's absolutely fantastic. I love him.

I gigged with him all over the country.

Give it up for Pierre Novellie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

-ALL:

-Hello!

My name is Pierre Novellie, which I will explain.

I know, it is silly, it needs to be explained, I am aware.

I've had it my whole life. Pierre is French, Novellie is Italian.

I am neither.

Nor is any member of my family. Nor have I ever lived in those places,

nor do I speak those languages. My name is fully irrelevant to me

and everything I've ever done in life.

And it's hard to spell over the phone.

That's a bonus, isn't it? That's fun.

My name means I get to have the same conversation with everybody

I meet all the time. I'm really good at it now.

It goes like this... "Hi, my name's Pierre."

"Are you French?" "No."

"Oh, but your name's French." "What did I just say?"

"Just then, what did I say?"

I feel bad. I don't know what people want from me in that scenario.

Maybe they want it to be more exciting.

"Hi, my name's Pierre." "Are you French?"

"No." "Oh, but your name's French."

"Ho-ho-ho-ho! I was trying to trick you, monsieur."

"But I am France's worst-ever spy."

But, no, the reason for the silly name is I'm originally from

Johannesburg in South Africa. It's quite fun being South African.

Its especially fun being a white South African,

because it means everyone assumes that you are a racist.

Which means people assume that I am a racist,

purely on the basis of the colour of my skin...

LAUGHTER

..and where I was born. Ah, let the irony fill the room.

Rub it on your gums. It's pure. You won't get better irony this week.

Now, that creates a paradox whereby, as an immigrant,

the welcome I have received in this country from racists has been

overwhelmingly positive.

They're very happy to see me. I think they think of me

as "outside expertise". You know, like, I'm a consulting racist.

"We'll let him move here. We'll see if he has any hints

"and if he doesn't, just deport him. It's fine."

When people find out you're from Africa, they ask stupid questions.

The questions aren't wrong. They're accurate, but in the wrong context,

like Leonardo Di Caprio's accent in Blood Diamond.

Very good accent - completely wrong.

His character's from Zimbabwe, his accent's from South Africa,

all the slang he uses is from a very specific racial group in Cape Town,

to which he does not belong. That's like an American actor

playing a character who's supposed to be from Glasgow,

but they have a Welsh accent!

And they insist on using exclusively Cockney rhyming slang.

WELSH ACCENT: "Oh, terrible up in Glasgow, isn't it?!

"Oh, I was nearly brown bread a few times up there, you know."

Where is this man from? Definitely Britain.

Oh, yeah! The stupidest question I ever got asked was,

"Hey, Pierre, you know that song at the start of The Lion King?"

I said, "Yeah." Wherever he's going with that question,

it's not going to be good, is it? Not going to be a smart question.

"Is that your national anthem?"

"No, I don't think Elton John was available at the time, to be honest."

Now, a fun piece of trivia I'd like to leave you guys on is

that song, that first bit, if you don't know it, it goes...

# Nam zin gonya ma gi bi de ba ba. #

Like that. Now, that's Zulu and I've known that song my whole life.

I never knew what it meant, but I got it translated.

My uncle's fluent in Zulu, he translated it for me.

I thought he was playing a prank.

I had to look it up on four other websites, just to be sure

he wasn't taking the piss. Stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life.

# Nam zin gonya ma gi bi de ba ba #

translates loosely from Zulu into English as...

# Look, there's a lion coming Oh, yes, it's a lion. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's it.

That's it. Yeah.

It's very much the plot of the film, guys.

Every Zulu person in the cinema was sitting there, going,

"Mm-hm. We know. We were expecting this."

And the rest of us had to sit there, like idiots -

"Oh, it's such noble gibberish, isn't it?"

If that's ruined The Lion King for you - good.

It's a child's film. Move on. I've been Pierre Novellie.

Thanks very much. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Brilliant stuff!

# Ah, there's a lion coming... #

I thought that was my intro.

# There's a lion coming. #

The Lion King or Justin Lee Collins or the girl from Outnumbered.

Well...

Up next, we've got a real treat. This guy is smashing it,

up here at the Festival. Go wild for Ed Gamble!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Hello. How are we all doing? Are we good?

-ALL:

-Yes!

I'm going to tell you a few things about myself.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Whoo!

Oh, thank you. Good. Already excited. In the last two years, I've lost

-six stone in weight. ALL:

-Whoo!

Thank you. That was about half of you whooping.

That's fine. That a nice reaction.

A lot just went with, "Couldn't give a shit, mate, quite frankly.

"You'd better make with the funny pretty sharpish on that topic,

"cos at the moment, it sounds an awful lot like you are showing off.

"That is not what we are here for." That's fine - the perfect UK reaction

to that information.

If I stood up at a comedy night in America

and announced that, the reaction would be very different.

If I stood up at a bus stop in America and announced that,

that I'd lost six stone in weight,

once we'd converted those stone to pounds and everyone

was on the same page...

those people would be on their feet, wouldn't they?

"Whoo! You go, sir! You take control of your life.

"We're proud of you, we want to hear your story."

In the UK it's, "Bet you were funnier

when you were fat, you prick."

When I lost that amount of weight in that short amount of time,

obviously all my clothes far too big for me,

quite exciting, thought, "Create a whole new personality for myself."

Where did I go to create this whole new personality?

Went where everyone goes to create a whole new personality.

I went to River Island.

And the moment I lost that last millimetre that got me

into the top size that they did, I practically kicked their doors in.

Turns out this particular branch were automatic doors,

so I just sort of went straight through.

I'll tell you what I bought, right, it was a belt.

I'm not wearing it for reasons that will become very clear.

But I've brought the buckle to show you.

I thought, "Hey, I've lost all this weight,

"what sort of guy have I become?

"I think I might be the sort of guy that wears an eagle belt!"

There it is, the eagle belt.

What sort of guy have I become?

It's a prick, I've become a prick!

The eagle very much the prick identity badge.

Everyone on the floor, there's a prick in the house.

Now, the thing you'll notice about this particular eagle -

very sharp wing tips.

This was absolutely fine when I tried it on in the shop standing up.

LAUGHTER

As soon as I got that belt home and tried it on sitting down,

I got a sharp, painful and physical reminder that apparently,

I AM still too fat to shop in River Island.

As those wings dug so far into my stomach, it was horrific,

and they've actually started to leave permanent purple marks

on my stomach, which has given the odd effect of my

genital area being in inverted commas.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So I've done all this hard work down the gym

and I've ended up with a "cock".

And no-one wants a sarcastic crotch!

No-one wants to pull their trousers and pants down and for a girl

to go, "Actually, that's the lowest form of wit, I think you'll find."

Plus, I hang slightly to the right

so it already looked like I was in italics.

Now my whole nether region looks like a whispered quote, it's awful.

Like my body's talking about me in hushed tones.

"Don't ever go down there, it's terrible, all right!"

Something else, I'd decided to get a bit healthier

because I am a type 1 diabetic, which basically means

that my pancreas has gone, "Bye!"

No longer produces insulin,

so I have to inject insulin to maintain my own blood sugar levels.

Or, as one of my friends once succinctly put it,

"Don't give Ed a mini Snickers, he'll go ape shit."

Not the sexiest condition on the disease smorgasbord.

In fact, it's the only condition where I have had

to stop halfway through sex to have a Kit Kat.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've been telling that joke night after night at the Fringe,

and the other night a woman shouted out, "Ooh, how lovely, a break."

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much, I've been Ed Gamble, good night!

CHEERING

Ed Gamble!

Go crazy for this next act, she's a great friend of mine.

I've toured all around the country with her,

she's having a great festival, give it up for Suzi Ruffell!

APPLAUSE

What a pleasure to be here!

Oh, it's a pleasure to be here, it really is.

I'm very excited at the moment, cos I'm in a new relationship.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

-Correct.

That exciting bit right at the beginning

when you go, "Oh, is it going to work out?

"The rest of them haven't." That bit, exciting, isn't it?

I did the first thing, the Facebook stalk. We've all done that, haven't we?

Go through the profile pictures, have a little look.

"Oh...

"Oh...

UNCERTAIN: "Oh..."

All of a sudden you're in 2008.

Thinking, "Oh, don't accidentally press like!"

Whatever you do, do not press like!

If you press like, you'll have to eat your computer

and jump out the window. Whatever you do - don't press like!

Didn't, it was fine.

Went through the profile pictures -

you need a bigger hit, don't you? Into the albums - boom!

First album I find is called "Me, You, Us, Paris."

We've never been to Paris.

Shouldn't be looking at that album, that would be

a massive invasion into the privacy.

But I'm looking at it, going through, becoming slowly jealous of the past.

Has this happened to anybody else?

Became jealous of relationships that

happened before she even knew I existed.

Looking through and going "Oh, look at you and your ex.

"Look at you and your ex - in Paris!

"Oh, look at you, look at you having a lovely time in Paris!

"Look at you, look at you at the Arc De Triomphe,

"look at you at the Eiffel Tower, look at you, look at you!

"Well, it didn't work out, it didn't bloody work out!"

And what I've found is if you put that

into the comments box underneath...

LAUGHTER

..the abuse you get is unbelievable, it really is.

It's with a girl,

my new relationship, I'm a gay, in case anyone's interested.

-AUDIENCE MEMBERS:

-Whoo! Yeah!

-Thanks very much.

LAUGHTER

You have to come out if you're gay. That's a weird thing to do,

tell your Mum and Dad.

I had to sit my dad down. My dad's a proper geezer,

he's a proper bloke, he's a proper man's man.

He's so much of a man's man, in fact, that he can only

write in capital letters. That's how much of a bloke he is.

He doesn't even know there's a lower case.

No matter what he writes, it looks aggressive.

Just like, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOVE, DAD."

In crayon!

LAUGHTER

On the back of a Racing Post!

The only way it would be more sinister would be

if he cut it out from a newspaper.

He's got to a stage in his life where he sneezes

so loudly, the cat completely shits himself - that's him!

He deems it perfectly acceptable after an Indian meal to take

the hot lemony cloth and have a full bloody wash - that's him!

"Oh, your armpits as well, that's nice."

I had to sit him down to tell him. "Dad, I've got this thing to tell you

"and it's really, really stressing me out.

"Keeping me up at night, making me sick in the morning."

He said, "Don't tell me you're pregnant!"

I said, literally, "You wish!"

I just blurted it out, I went, "Dad, I'm gay!"

He went, "Oh, all right, love, fair enough."

That was it, no reaction at all! Everyone else had a reaction.

All of my female friends said, "Do you fancy me?"

All of my male friends said, "Do you want a threesome?"

And my brother said, "Well, you've ruined porn!"

So...

Everyone had A reaction.

Another thing, really annoying me,

something one of my cousins said actually.

One of my teenage cousins says the expression, "That's so gay."

Oh, I hate it, I hate it so much, cos it means,

-"That's so shit", doesn't it? AUDIENCE:

-Yeah.

So I've decided the only time you can say, "That's so gay"

is if something SO GAY happens to you.

Like, if I came out here tonight and I went

"Guys, before I even begin, I have to tell you about my night last night!

"I went out, all of a sudden I was transported

"to a club in San Francisco. I looked down.

"I was wearing a dress made completely of a rainbow flag.

"I started dancing, as I did, 14 drag queens came and joined me -

"all dressed as Cher!

"As It's Raining Men came on, I go over to the bar.

"There is Alan Carr, Paul O'Grady, Stephen Fry and Graham Norton.

"A cushion of chat show hosts, if you like.

"They say to me, 'Suz, after these tequila slammers we're off to

"'Jodie Foster's house for a bit of karaoke, do you fancy it?'

"I said, 'Yes, I do.'

"So I went to the cloakroom, I got my Birkenstocks

"and the fleecy zip-up, nice to be prepared.

"When I get outside, there is a pink stretched limousine.

"I look in the driver seat -

"it's only Dolly bloody Parton, I think this is good!

"I give her my t.A.T.u CD, in we pop it, off we go.

"We stop to pick up two of those little yappy dogs,

"do a little interior design and pick up George Michael,

"because he's been banned again.

"When we get to Jodi Foster's house there's Clare Balding and

"Martina Navratilova doing a duet of 'I kissed a girl and I liked it.'"

Now, if that happens, you can say, "That's so gay",

you can say it till the cows come home!

APPLAUSE

My name's Suzi Ruffell. You've been delightful.

Thank you very much, good night!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Suzi Ruffell, yes! Whoo!

Ladies and gentlemen, you are going to love our next act.

One of the top double acts in the country.

Go crazy for Cardinal Burns!

All right? LAUGHTER

How we doing? Are we all right, everybody all right?

-Good, all right.

-I'll sit here, Terry.

-I'm going to sit here.

-Yeah, that's all right.

Ah, that's better.

Oh, dear, how are you, you all right?

-Yeah, I'm not bad, yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-It's good to hear, ain't it?

-Yeah.

-How was your weekend, all right?

-Yeah, it was all right.

My mum turned 100 in the week.

-Oh, that's lovely, ain't it?

-Yeah.

Get a letter from the Queen, did she?

Yeah, she got a letter from the Queen with

-an invite at Buckingham Palace.

-Right.

-And a plus one.

-So I went along with her.

-Oh, splendid, fine.

We got there about midday.

-They had this lovely spread laid out.

-Right.

And tarpaulin, cos there was a threat of rain.

Oh, that's sensible, ain't it?

M&S spread, you know, it was classy stuff.

-The works, yeah.

-That's it.

-The Queen comes down about midday.

-Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Then she comes...

-What's she like, the Queen?

Well, she smells a bit, to be honest with you, Terry.

-What of?

-She's very in your face when she talks to you

-and she does smell a bit.

-What does she smell of?

-TCP.

-Oh.

-Absolutely reeks of it.

-Oh, that's not very nice, that's horrible.

Anyway, I'm making a little bit of small chat, right?

-Yeah, as you do.

-And I make a little joke.

I said, "I wouldn't like to have your heating bill!"

She's cracked up.

She goes, "Right, get your old dear,

"I want to give you a tour of the house."

So we're walking down all these corridors, every room's got

a painting of someone she knows and whatever, I had no interest.

Then she takes us into this room that she'd done up like

a bar she'd been to in Dubai.

-Oh, she's been to Dubai, has she?

-Oh, she's been everywhere.

She'd been to Spain, she'd been to France twice, she'd been

to Belgium... she'd even been to the Maldives.

Oh, lovely, has she been to the Canary Islands at all?

She's been to the Canary Islands,

but she didn't get off the boat.

-Why?

-Cos she was too hung over.

She likes a drink then, does she?

-Oh, God, yeah! Yeah, yeah.

-Sounds good.

But she's quite, she's quite sprightly.

-Right, right.

-At one point we're walking down this fire exit,

she goes, "See that fire exit sign, you think I can touch it?"

-Nah.

-She runs along, she leaps up, she goes, whack!

She goes, "You didn't think I could do that, did you?"

She sounds a right big-head, Phil.

I wouldn't say she's big-headed,

but she definitely lets you know who she is, do you know what I mean?

-Well, she's the Queen, ain't she?

-Exactly, yeah.

I've always been fascinated to know where she sleeps.

Well, she said, wherever she falls!

LAUGHTER

She said she's got these two footmen, they come over,

they take her bra off and they put her in a long T-shirt.

She's the Queen, Terry! She can do what she wants!

She can do what she bloody wants.

She's the Queen, of course she can. So then what happened?

So then she takes us up on the roof, gets a fag out, sparks up.

She goes, "Right, you've got to do one."

-Just like that?

-Yeah. So I took Mum to Bella Pasta, didn't I?

Oh, right then.

-Come on then.

-See you later.

-Come on, Terry.

-See you later, bye.

-Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the last act of the night.

I love these guys, you're going to love them too,

give it up for The Noise Next Door!

Good evening, good evening, good evening!

We are The Noise Next Door

and everything we do is made up on the spot.

What we'd like to do this evening is make up

a song for one of the ladies in the room tonight.

Can someone please point at a lady near the front, point to the lady.

Well, this lovely lady's been pointed at. Hello, what's your name?

-Pauline.

-Ladies and gents, this is Pauline, she is our volunteer.

Here we go, OK.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

Pauline, we're going to get to know her.

What do you do for a living, Pauline?

-I work as a PA.

-Pauline works as a PA.

What sort of company do you work for?

-I actually work for the council.

-You work for the council? Oh...

A murmur of worry - excellent!

LAUGHTER

OK, Pauline works for the council as a PA.

Do you have any hobbies outside of your work?

What do you do for fun, Pauline?

-Em...drink!

-Drink?

What's your favourite type of drink?

-Wine.

-Wine, she likes. She's classy, Pauline's classy, excellent.

Is there anything you don't like, maybe a fear of yours?

Em...heights.

Heights, a fear of heights, excellent.

One last question -

is there a country in the world you'd love to go to one day?

-Some country you'd like to visit.

-India.

India, amazing. This is lovely Pauline,

she is a PA for the council,

she enjoys drinking wine, she does not enjoy heights

and one day she would like to go to India.

Ladies and gents, this is Pauline, and Pauline,

this is your very own...

THEATRICALLY: ..boy band love song!

# Hey, yeah, yeah, come on now, Pauline,

# Ooh, yeah, yeah...

# Well, you work for the council those are the facts

# Well, any time you want, Pauline, please lower the tax

# You are a PA, I don't want to sound negative

# Well, PA when it comes to you sounds like perfectly attractive.

-# Heights that make her frown

-Ooh, yeah you know it's true!

-# So she's good at going down

-My guy's in love with you

ALL: # Its heights that make her frown

# So she's really good at go-ing down... #

LAUGHTER

# Oh, Pauline, oh, yes, so you want more

# I know she's keen because we just did it on the floor

# Yes, you like drinking wine, oh, you just like a splash

# Maybe later tonight I'm going to taste your pink Grenache

# We could go, if you want to go far, so I'll take you to Indi-ya

# I've got a little tip that will come in handy

# I'll be your very own Mahatma Gandhi!

# Yeah, that's right, you know it's true

# Going to hang out in Delhi with you.

# Oh, Pauline, you drive me crazy

# Because you're hotter than a damn jalfrezi!

ALL: # Its heights that make her frown.

-# So she's good at going down

-I just hope there's no diarrhoea

# Its heights that make her frown

-# So she's good at going down

-Going down, going down... #

HE MOANS

# You're sat next to your boyfriend, it's true

# Well, don't worry, girl, we'll do him too

# When he's around

# Strap in for the key change, yeah

ALL: # The key change, yeahhhh

# Its heights that make her frown

# We'll drink some wine till you get squiffy

# So she's good at going down

-# Its heights that make her frown

-You know that you improve with age

# So she's good at going down.

# We'll have a drink whilst we're on stage

# Its heights that make her...

# Frown

# So she's good at going... #

She's really, really good at it.

# Going down. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was for Pauline, ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you so much, we've been The Noise Next Door!

Thank you.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

The Noise Next Door!

This has been the Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live.

I've been Seann Walsh. Good night!

CHEERING