Episode 1 Epic Win


Episode 1

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Transcript


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'They've come from all over the UK, ordinary people with extraordinary abilities,

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'powers so pointless they will rock the very foundations of society.

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'Heroes will rise, legends will be born! This is Epic Win!'

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'Please welcome your epic host, it's Alexander Armstrong!'

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Thank you, hello! I'm Alexander Armstrong and this is Epic Win,

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the show that scours the country to find great British heroes

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with jaw-droppingly senseless superpowers.

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But what, you may be asking yourself, is an epic win?

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Well, can you carry home the weekly shop using only your ears?

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I can.

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LAUGHTER

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Can you use your beard as a paintbrush?

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Or can you build a car from bread?

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If so, you could be an epic winner,

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and these are precisely the types of skills that people will be demonstrating on this show.

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And it all happens here, in the Epic Centre.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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This is where our heroes have their powers tested.

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If they pass the challenge we set them, they'll earn the title of epic winner,

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and get the chance to win cold, hard cash.

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But, if they don't, they'll leave the studio as penniless epic failures,

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through the dreaded Fail Door.

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DOOR CREAKS

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ahh!

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Most things on this show are too epic for one man to handle,

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so, Joe, open those announcing pipes and tell us, who've we got on the show this week?

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'Gazing in wonder at public pointlessness tonight,

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'our panel are...'

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He's a comedian who walks on the wild side.

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Must be the new shoes. It's stand-out stand-up, Jason Manford!

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APPLAUSE

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When Jason breaks a mirror, he gets seven years' GOOD luck.

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EPIC WIN!

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When she's in Walford, Albert isn't square, he's groovy. It's Nina Wadia!

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APPLAUSE

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Last night, there was a massive thunderstorm,

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but Nina slept right through. EPIC WIN!

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And if Carol Vorderman's the thinking man's crumpet,

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meet the thinking woman's iced bun. It's comedian Micky Flanagan!

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APPLAUSE

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At lunch, Micky bit into a pizza, and didn't burn his mouth! EPIC WIN!

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Fabulous, Joe.

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And you'll be hanging round to help me through the show?

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You can count on that, yes.

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Fantastic. Joe Lycett, everybody.

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APPLAUSE

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The panel will be awarding cash to our epic winners.

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How much depends on how impressed they are with our contenders' skills.

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But it's easier to show you how it all works,

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so let's find out who our first pretender to the Epic throne is tonight.

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My name is Shaun Jones, I'm a house painter and decorator,

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and plasterer.

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'I've always been a bit different. I'm a bit of a medical mystery.

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'I first discovered this as a small child.

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'Doctors were baffled by the strength of my lungs.'

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It's a mystery how I've never hurt myself using my power,

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'because it can be pretty dangerous.'

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HE SNEEZES

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'Once I learned how to control it, it became pretty handy.

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'As I got older, I decided to embrace my gift.

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'I've developed an intense training routine

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'to help me get the best out of my lungs.

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'My name is Shaun Jones.

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'I'm 51 years old, and I am Mr Remarkable Man!'

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APPLAUSE

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Take a deep breath, folks. It's Mr Remarkable Man, Shaun Jones!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Shaun, how are you? Welcome, welcome. Great to have you here.

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So, Shaun Jones. You're a painter and decorator.

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You're also a record-breaking extreme weight-lifter,

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the first, in fact, to squat-lift non-stop for 24 hours.

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So, first things first, when does weightlifting become extreme, Shaun?

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On my 50th birthday last year,

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I became the first person in the world

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to non-stop squat-lift for 24 hours,

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-and lift over a million pound in weight.

-What?!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

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Yes!

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Well, let's find out exactly what Shaun's challenge is.

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Over to you, Joe.

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Tonight, using only his lungs,

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Mr Remarkable Man, Shaun Jones, has to burst hot water bottles

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on an exercise bike!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

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-On an exercise bike? That...

-The craziest thing I've ever done.

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-Really?

-And I've done some crazy stuff, I'd assure you of that.

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Well, we're going to meet the panel.

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Here are the people who are going to be judging your talent. Micky?

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We all like blowing things up.

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LAUGHTER

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No, men do see it as a very masculine thing,

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"Give us that here, I'll blow that up."

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But just one request, Shaun, if I get a bit faint

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during these shows, if I go over,

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please don't give me the kiss of life.

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LAUGHTER

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What is the weirdest thing you've ever blown up?

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I've been globally challenged to blow up and burst 100 hot water bottles

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-one after the other.

-So you're sticking with hot water bottles?

-And then...

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if that's been done, I will become the first person

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on a plane, blowing up a hot water bottle burst in the air.

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It's annoying when there's a kid crying behind you,

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imagine you sat behind!

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"Can I get a good seat? This guy..."

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LAUGHTER

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Well, I can't wait to see this. Here we are.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Here we have one exercise bike, and a bunch of hot water bottles.

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Shaun has to burst three of these in one minute

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-while continually peddling on this exercise bike...

-Come on!

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..for no good reason at all!

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If he can do it, it's an Epic Win, and he'll go on to play our money game.

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If not, he'll be breezing out through the Fail Door.

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Are you a military man, Shaun? You have excellent posture.

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Well, I can't say.

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OK, yes, best, er...

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-I'm not obliged to say.

-No, you're not obliged to say.

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Now, this is very dangerous, don't try this at home,

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for goodness' sake. Exercise bikes are an absolute menace.

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-Right, it's three bottles in 60 seconds.

-Come on, people!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, right, your time starts now!

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KLAXON SOUNDS

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AUDIENCE SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

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BOTTLE BURSTS

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One bottle!

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BOTTLE BURSTS

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Two bottles done!

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40 seconds on the clock remaining.

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BOTTLE BURSTS

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Three bottles done!

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32 seconds left on the clock!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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You were nearly wearing that bike there, Shaun.

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I'll just give you a second or two to get your...

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Mr Remarkable Man!

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-You undersold yourself with just "remarkable".

-Yeah.

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-You want to be Fantastic Man.

-MR Fantastic Man!

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Panel, have a look at that, look at that.

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-Wow.

-That's the power of this man's lungs.

-That's phenomenal.

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That's British craftsmanship there.

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LAUGHTER

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Does the air come out of you that powerful at both ends?

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I imagine that must take out a puppy.

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Nina, does it deserve his name, Mr Remarkable Man?

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Oh, absolutely. I think that is incredible.

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Is there anyone in the audience who thinks they can actually do that?!

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Anybody want to do that?

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Well, Mr Remarkable Man, you are an epic winner,

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and that means you have definitely won the equally remarkable Epic Win trophy, so very well done.

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APPLAUSE

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You can't buy those in the shops.

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But, as an epic winner, you're now going to have a value

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put on your skill, and you could take home some cash.

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Join me in the Epic Centre, we'll find out what your win is worth.

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OK, now, panel, each of you has up to £1,000 to throw at Shaun.

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The decision to make is how much will you give a man with bottle-bursting breath?

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Think of what your figure is, anything from £1 to £1000,

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and lock it in.

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What?

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They're just assessing your worth here, Shaun.

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Right, there it is, all locked in.

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So, Shaun, we've totted up the amounts

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that our three panellists think your power deserves,

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and the grand total could be anything from £3 to £3000.

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So, Joe is going to offer you increasing sums of money.

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You can stop the cash whenever you like with our big red button.

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If you stop the money before it goes over the panel's total, it will be an...

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EPIC WIN!

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And you'll go home with whatever amount of money you stopped on.

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But, if you hold out for too long and go even £1 over the panel's total,

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how much will he go home with, Joe?

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Zero pounds.

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Ready on the big red button, then.

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Joe, let's turn powers into pounds.

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£890.

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-AUDIENCE:

-More!

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Shaun wants more.

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£1,385.

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Mr Remarkable Man. They say go up.

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Do you want to go up?

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AUDIENCE SHOUT

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OK, the Remarkable Man wants more.

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£1,963.

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Mr Remarkable Man, you're...

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OK, he wants more, Joe.

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£2,648!

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-AUDIENCE:

-More!

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It's not their money! It's not their money, Shaun!

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If you go over the amount, you won't get it.

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What are you doing?!

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LAUGHTER

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What are you doing?!

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-OK.

-Think about this!

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It can only be three grand!

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£3,000!

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Wow, you've gone for £3,000.

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So, have you bagged the money, or have you blown it?

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Let's find out.

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LAUGHTER

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Zero pounds!

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Oh, Shaun! Shaun, Shaun, Shaun.

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You left it too late. Zero pounds.

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I did tell you.

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But what was the cut-off point?

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Shall we see what the panel's actual total was?

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£1,963.

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-You could...

-Well, I'm in it to win it, so...

-You're not, though!

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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You know what you did? You over-inflated your value there!

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OK, right, let's see how their values broke down.

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Oh, look at that!

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Pretty fair, pretty fair. Well, we'll start with Nina.

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360, not that impressed?

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I just don't know why you do it, and that confused me!

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I thought £300 for what you can actually do,

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£60 for a few hot water bottles you can buy for a couple of months,

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and that's it, sorry.

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OK, 730 from Micky?

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I think you might want to let some of that air seep up

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towards your brain.

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LAUGHTER

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Because the chances of us giving you three grand there

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were very, very slight.

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And it's not just because we're scared you're going to blow it.

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LAUGHTER

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The showmanship was fantastic.

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I noticed you've got a string vest so I gave you an extra £13 for that.

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Jason, the highest amount awarded there.

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I was going to give you 900 quid, but I took a tenner out

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because I went to the barber and he had to go through my hair and pick out bits of hot water bottle.

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Shaun, you didn't win the cash, but don't feel too deflated.

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You are still an epic winner and you will still burst out of here with this glorious Epic Win trophy.

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APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen, he is the dictionary definition of Epic WIND, the heroic Shaun Jones!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now, when we came across our next epic hopeful,

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we knew his power couldn't be contained within a mere TV studio.

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It was simply way too epic. To find out what he is all about, please welcome Brian Radam!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Brian Radam is a master locksmith from Southport,

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with a singularly amazing claim to fame.

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He runs the world's only dedicated lawnmower museum.

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Yes, you heard me exactly right. A lawnmower museum.

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Brian, what sort of person goes to a lawnmower museum?

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Loads of people from all over the world.

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When you opened the museum, were you very proud of it? Did you keep all the cuttings?

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LAUGHTER

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Did you?! I apologise for that immediately.

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So, Joe, what is Brian's challenge going to be tonight?

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Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Radam is going to be naming lawnmowers

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just by looking at the grass they have cut.

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AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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OK. Here's how Brian's challenge will work.

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We've taken 20 lawnmowers and mown strips of grass with five of them.

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All Brian has to do is match the right lawnmowers to the strips of grass.

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If he gets three out of five right, he will be an epic winner and go on to play the money game.

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-If not, he will make an untimely exit through the Fail Door.

-AUDIENCE: Aww!

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So, how did Brian get on? Let's take a look.

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20 lawnmowers...

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..one man...

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a tape measure...

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five strips of grass.

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Can Brian Radam match the blades of grass to the blades of the machine?

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This is a nice, flat finish. Nicely cut grass.

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Anybody would be quite happy with this finish on their lawn.

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This is the Suffolk Punch.

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The grass on here has been cut quite well.

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Wet grass just sticks to everything and it's very difficult to tell,

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but the cut's nice and sharp.

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I'd probably say

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it's the Ransome Certes.

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One of the best hand mowers in the world.

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Hmm. The grass is not as cleanly cut as the others.

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I'd say this is

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the Electric Castelgarden machine.

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This is a really nice, flat finish. Anybody would be proud of this lawn.

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And it's been a nice lawnmower that's cut it as well.

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This is going to be the Allett Royale machine,

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because it is so perfect.

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OK, this one, all the grass is going in different directions.

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It must be a rotary machine.

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I would say this is the HRX Honda.

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APPLAUSE

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Wow, excellent stuff. Wow.

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No idea how you've done, but that was fantastic. You need three out of five,

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-are you feeling confident?

-Hopefully.

-OK. Let's find out how you did.

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It was wet.

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All right, it was wet, we'll put a "W" next to your results!

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-And you'd been drinking...?

-LAUGHTER

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OK, let's see how Brian did.

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OK, Brian, let's cut to the chase. Did you match the mowers?

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Your first guess was a Suffolk Punch. Did you hit the spot?

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Bang on target,

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that's one out of five. Next up,

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you plumped for the Ransome Certes.

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Is that right?

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Yes, it certainly is!

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Three left. You only need one more

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and you'll be an epic winner. Could this be the clincher?

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You said the Castelgarden.

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Brian, you are the king of the Castelgarden!

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-That's three out of three - you've bagged yourself an Epic Win!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Three out of three, you are an epic winner - congratulations.

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Would you like to see what happened with the other two?

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-OK.

-Let's just see how you did.

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Your fourth suspect was the Allett Royale.

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Will this be your crowning glory?

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Yes, that's four out of four!

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And finally, you selected the Honda HRX.

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And you make a clean sweep...

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Astonishing! It's five out of five.

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Congratulations, that's a full house.

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Brian...

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I can't even begin to understand how that's possible.

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-Jason, has that blown your mind as well?

-Five out of five...

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I can't believe that.

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So faultless, you made it look easy.

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You could blow me down with the first contestant.

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May I ask you a question, Brian?

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If I give you my leg to touch, would you be able to tell

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if I use a normal razor or an electric shaver?

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I wouldn't care, really, I'd just...!

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There you go.

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Brian, you are an epic winner and that means you

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have already won yourself the Epic Win trophy!

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But, Brian, you can win yourself some cash as well.

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It's time to play our money game. So join me, please, in the Epic Centre.

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There we are. Now, panel, once again,

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each of you has £1,000. How much you think a cutting edge skill like Brian's deserves?

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They are doing the impossible here. They are trying to put a cash value on your impeccable skills.

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OK, there it is. Locked in. Job done. You know the deal.

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The panel's total could be anything from £3 to £3,000.

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You can take home with you the amount that you stop it on

0:19:530:19:57

as long as you stop it before you go over the amount the panel has given you.

0:19:570:20:02

OK, hands at the ready. Joe, let's turn powers into pounds.

0:20:020:20:06

Let's.

0:20:060:20:08

£994.

0:20:100:20:13

AUDIENCE: More!

0:20:130:20:15

What are you thinking, Brian?

0:20:160:20:19

That would save a lot of lawnmowers.

0:20:190:20:21

It would, but they're all saying, "More!"

0:20:210:20:25

OK, we'll go up a bit.

0:20:250:20:27

OK, let's go.

0:20:270:20:29

£1442.

0:20:320:20:34

AUDIENCE: More!

0:20:340:20:36

What are you thinking now?

0:20:360:20:38

That's going to save a tremendous amount of lawnmowers.

0:20:380:20:41

Stop thinking about it in terms of lawnmowers being saved

0:20:410:20:45

-and start thinking about it in terms of how much...

-Have an 'oliday!

0:20:450:20:48

AUDIENCE: More!

0:20:480:20:51

-We'll go a little bit more.

-We're going to go one more, he thinks.

0:20:510:20:53

-2,070!

-Look at that. £2,070.

0:20:580:21:01

AUDIENCE: More!

0:21:010:21:03

-BUZZER

-There we are!

0:21:030:21:05

Very good.

0:21:050:21:07

-APPLAUSE

-You've cut off the cash at £2,070.

0:21:070:21:10

So, have you pushed your luck and valued yourself too highly,

0:21:100:21:14

or are you going to be going home with the green? Let's find out.

0:21:140:21:17

AUDIENCE GIGGLES

0:21:230:21:25

-Epic win!

-Yes!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:250:21:28

Bravo, Brian!

0:21:300:21:31

You knew when you'd had enough.

0:21:330:21:35

That means you will be leaving here with £2,070.

0:21:360:21:40

But did you stop at the perfect moment

0:21:400:21:42

or could you have made some more hay?

0:21:420:21:44

Let's see what the panel's total actually was.

0:21:440:21:48

-Oh, look at that!

-APPLAUSE

0:21:520:21:54

Very, very well done. Spot on.

0:21:540:21:58

A man with impeccable judgement. You gauged that absolutely beautifully.

0:21:580:22:02

-My congratulations.

-Thank you very much.

0:22:020:22:04

Let's just have a look at the panel and see how that broke down.

0:22:040:22:07

Wow! Wow, wow. Oh...

0:22:090:22:13

£270. What's wrong, Mickey?

0:22:130:22:14

I've got to send out a signal to people.

0:22:140:22:17

LAUGHTER

0:22:170:22:19

I think I could get the average gardener for a couple of weeks

0:22:190:22:22

with 20 lawnmowers and say,

0:22:220:22:25

-"Right, just practice," and he could come here and...

-No way!

0:22:250:22:28

You are belittling Brian's skill here.

0:22:280:22:30

BOOING

0:22:300:22:32

And that too on a wet day.

0:22:340:22:37

LAUGHTER

0:22:370:22:38

APPLAUSE

0:22:380:22:40

I give you 50 quid for each guess you got right.

0:22:440:22:49

And the other 20 quid for a deckchair,

0:22:490:22:52

so you can sit down for five minutes

0:22:520:22:55

-and have a little think about what you're getting up to.

-LAUGHTER

0:22:550:22:58

-Jason Manford has given you the full whack.

-Full whack, Brian.

0:23:000:23:05

-He's going to get a free audio tour.

-A free audio tour!

0:23:050:23:09

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:090:23:11

That's what is it's all about!

0:23:110:23:12

Listen, Brian, without a doubt, you are the maestro of mowers.

0:23:120:23:16

You trundle out of here with £2,070

0:23:160:23:19

plus the beautiful Epic Win trophy. There we are.

0:23:190:23:21

APPLAUSE

0:23:210:23:23

Congratulations to you, sir.

0:23:230:23:26

Ladies and gentlemen, as heroes go, he's a cut above the rest. It's Brian Radam!

0:23:260:23:31

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:310:23:33

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC

0:23:330:23:35

Wow! Yes.

0:23:400:23:42

Well, after that, you'd be forgiven for thinking you'd seen it all,

0:23:420:23:46

but you couldn't be more wrong. Let's meet our next contender.

0:23:460:23:49

I'm Natasha, I'm 28, from Essex, and I really love Take That.

0:23:490:23:53

MUSIC: "Greatest Day" by Take That

0:23:530:23:54

I first listened to Take That when I was nine. From then onwards, I was hooked.

0:23:540:23:59

Over the years, I've spent thousands following Take That around,

0:23:590:24:03

staying in the same hotels,

0:24:030:24:04

buying limited edition CDs, T-shirts, anything. You name, I've got it.

0:24:040:24:09

I once queued for 8½ hours to meet Gary Barlow.

0:24:090:24:13

It was totally worth it as I got a kiss

0:24:130:24:15

and a photo, and he signed my book for me.

0:24:150:24:18

When Take That split up, I couldn't stop crying.

0:24:180:24:21

I got sent home from school and it truly was the worst day of my life.

0:24:210:24:24

SAXOPHONE PLAYS "A MILLION LOVE SONGS"

0:24:240:24:27

When Take That got back together again, I was so excited, I can't tell you.

0:24:270:24:31

It was like all my dreams come true.

0:24:310:24:34

Oi! What have I told you? Go on. Get out.

0:24:340:24:37

LAUGHTER

0:24:370:24:39

APPLAUSE

0:24:390:24:41

Today, this could be the greatest day of her life.

0:24:410:24:46

If she can Epic Win, anyway. Please welcome Natasha Ampong!

0:24:460:24:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:490:24:51

-Hello!

-A very warm welcome to the show.

-Thank you.

0:24:590:25:03

So, here's what we know.

0:25:030:25:05

Her favourite member of Take That is Mark Owen.

0:25:050:25:07

She first went to a gig in 1993 and she's now seen them 15 times.

0:25:070:25:11

The last time she went, she queued for 11½ hours

0:25:110:25:14

just to be at the front. That is dedication.

0:25:140:25:16

So, why Take That? They're good, but they're no Bros.

0:25:160:25:20

They're amazing! LAUGHTER

0:25:200:25:22

They are 10 times better than Bros.

0:25:220:25:24

They are the best boy-band in the world.

0:25:240:25:26

Well, she loves Take That, but where can we take this?

0:25:260:25:29

What is Natasha's challenge going to be, Joe?

0:25:290:25:32

Tonight, Natasha Ampong will attempt to identify

0:25:320:25:35

any Take That song by hearing just one second.

0:25:350:25:40

APPLAUSE

0:25:400:25:43

They say, "It only takes a minute." For you, it only takes a second.

0:25:430:25:46

For your Epic Win challenge, we are going to be putting you

0:25:460:25:49

in the Seat of Second-Long Song Segments. Come with me.

0:25:490:25:52

-APPLAUSE

-There we are.

0:25:520:25:56

Here.

0:25:560:25:57

-Are you sitting comfortably?

-Yes.

0:25:590:26:01

OK, then we shall begin. We will play Natasha 10 one second clips from Take That songs.

0:26:010:26:05

These clips can come from any point in any song on any of their albums

0:26:050:26:09

and Natasha has to name eight of them correctly.

0:26:090:26:12

If she can do it, then it's an Epic Win and she'll get to play for the cash.

0:26:120:26:15

But, if not, then she's on her way to the door.

0:26:150:26:18

OK, so ears at the ready.

0:26:180:26:20

We're looking for eight out of 10.

0:26:200:26:23

-Here comes the first clip.

-# Can... #

0:26:230:26:26

What do you think?

0:26:280:26:29

I think...it's "A Million Love Songs".

0:26:290:26:33

Natasha says "A Million Love Songs." Let's see if that is right.

0:26:330:26:36

# A million love songs... #

0:26:360:26:38

Yes, it is. Very well done.

0:26:380:26:41

APPLAUSE

0:26:410:26:42

One out of one. So far, 100% success rate.

0:26:420:26:47

-Here is your second clip.

-STRING MUSIC

0:26:470:26:49

-Can I come back to that one?

-That's a pass. You only have one pass

0:26:520:26:55

to use across the songs. You're using it now.

0:26:550:26:58

We'll come back to that one. Your third clip. Here it comes.

0:26:580:27:01

BACKING TRACK PLAYS

0:27:020:27:04

I am going to say it's "Sunday To Saturday".

0:27:050:27:08

"Sunday To Saturday". Let's see if that's right.

0:27:080:27:10

# It's a Sunday through to Saturday... #

0:27:100:27:13

It's correct!

0:27:130:27:14

APPLAUSE

0:27:140:27:16

So far, two out of two answers. OK, here it comes.

0:27:160:27:19

PIANO AND DRUMS

0:27:190:27:20

-"Back For Good".

-"Back For Good," says Natasha. Let's see if it is.

0:27:220:27:25

-# Whatever I said... #

-Yes, it is!

0:27:250:27:28

APPLAUSE

0:27:280:27:29

-Here it comes, your fifth clip.

-UPBEAT BACKING TRACK

0:27:340:27:37

I'll go with "Could It Be Magic".

0:27:400:27:42

"Could It Be Magic," says Natasha. Let's see if that's right.

0:27:420:27:44

# Everything changes but you... #

0:27:440:27:47

-Oh, Everything Changes!

-Bad luck.

0:27:470:27:49

-Your first incorrect answer.

-OK.

0:27:490:27:53

Let's have your sixth song clip.

0:27:530:27:56

Butterfly.

0:27:580:27:59

Natasha says Butterfly. Let's see.

0:27:590:28:00

# How did we lose our way... #

0:28:000:28:02

-Oh, no.

-Oh, incorrect!

0:28:020:28:05

Like I Never Loved You At All.

0:28:050:28:08

-Now, then. You have to get this one right.

-OK.

0:28:080:28:10

Let's hear it.

0:28:100:28:11

# Wooah... #

0:28:110:28:13

Greatest Day.

0:28:140:28:16

Greatest Day, says Natasha for her seventh track. Is that right?

0:28:160:28:20

# Today this could be... #

0:28:200:28:22

Very well done, correct.

0:28:240:28:27

Very well done.

0:28:280:28:30

OK, here comes your eighth song.

0:28:300:28:32

Hold Up A Light?

0:28:350:28:37

Hold Up A Light, says Natasha. Is that right?

0:28:370:28:40

# Hold up a light... #

0:28:400:28:41

It's correct!

0:28:420:28:45

Very well done. Here is your ninth track. Are you ready, Natasha?

0:28:450:28:48

Very, very best of luck. Again, you have to get this right.

0:28:480:28:50

Mancunian Way?

0:28:550:28:58

Mancunian Way, says Natasha.

0:28:580:28:59

Let's see if that's right. It has to be right.

0:28:590:29:01

# I'm driving home... #

0:29:010:29:03

It's correct!

0:29:030:29:05

OK, right. Your 10th track.

0:29:100:29:12

Are you ready? It has to be right.

0:29:120:29:14

Ooh. It has to be right?

0:29:170:29:20

Another Crack In My Heart?

0:29:200:29:23

Another Crack In My Heart, says Natasha. Is it right?

0:29:230:29:25

# Another crack... #

0:29:280:29:30

It is!

0:29:300:29:31

OK, now, we have to go back to that second track.

0:29:310:29:35

You get one more chance to listen to it.

0:29:350:29:37

You have to score 8 out of 10 for this to be an Epic Win.

0:29:370:29:38

Here it comes.

0:29:380:29:40

It's a hard one.

0:29:430:29:46

It could be one of 125 songs.

0:29:460:29:50

I'm going to say...

0:29:530:29:56

God, I don't know. Holding Back The Tears.

0:29:560:29:59

Holding Back The Tears? If this is right, it's an Epic Win.

0:29:590:30:02

Let's hear.

0:30:020:30:04

# Although no-one understood... #

0:30:040:30:05

-Oh, no!

-No, it's The Flood!

0:30:050:30:08

-Oh, no.

-Nearly.

0:30:110:30:12

APPLAUSE

0:30:120:30:17

Nina, did Natasha relight your fire, there?

0:30:180:30:22

I think this is actually very healthy for you,

0:30:220:30:24

if you don't mind me saying.

0:30:240:30:26

Not that I'm turning this into a therapy show or anything like that.

0:30:280:30:33

No, you were just very unlucky.

0:30:330:30:35

I thought you did amazingly. We were marking down what we could do.

0:30:350:30:37

I got two out of ten.

0:30:370:30:40

And I got one out of ten. So you did really well.

0:30:400:30:42

I had earplugs in.

0:30:420:30:44

Oh, well, Natasha, unfortunately it couldn't be magic.

0:30:440:30:48

I'm afraid you've ended up with an Epic Fail. Which means, I'm afraid, you won't be playing for the money.

0:30:480:30:53

But it's not all bad,

0:30:530:30:55

because you will be taking home this fantastic piece of memorabilia.

0:30:550:30:58

It's an Epic Fail sticker.

0:30:580:31:01

There we are. See, it's not all bad.

0:31:010:31:03

There we are.

0:31:030:31:04

No other Take That fan has got one of those.

0:31:040:31:07

Never forget where you're coming from, Natasha.

0:31:070:31:09

I won't.

0:31:090:31:10

What about where you're going too, I'm afraid? The door over there.

0:31:100:31:14

I'm sorry.

0:31:140:31:16

Yes, that is what happens next.

0:31:160:31:18

Natasha, you will be leaving us through the Fail Door.

0:31:180:31:21

Tonight, she wasn't Top of the Pops. Natasha Ampong, make some tracks.

0:31:250:31:29

APPLAUSE

0:31:290:31:31

And take that!

0:31:350:31:38

Well, we've seen some pretty epic achievements tonight.

0:31:380:31:41

But, like an all you can eat buffet,

0:31:410:31:43

there's just enough room to squeeze a little bit more in.

0:31:430:31:45

So let's serve ourselves up tonight's final Epic challenge.

0:31:450:31:48

I'm Dan Magness, I'm 27 and I'm from Sheffield.

0:31:480:31:52

I've been a professional football freestyler now

0:31:520:31:55

for about the last eight years.

0:31:550:31:56

At the moment I hold six world records.

0:31:560:31:59

The longest time controlling a football, longest distance travelled

0:31:590:32:03

keeping up a football, most amount of face rolls across the forehead,

0:32:030:32:06

most amount of around the moon tricks in one minute,

0:32:060:32:09

most amount of consecutive touches using only the shoulders,

0:32:090:32:12

longest time controlling a football using only the back -

0:32:120:32:15

which is four minutes and two seconds.

0:32:150:32:16

I've impressed thousands of people with my ball skills,

0:32:160:32:19

but there's a problem.

0:32:190:32:21

Julie!

0:32:210:32:23

My wife struggles to keep up with me on the field.

0:32:300:32:33

Sometimes she does feel left out.

0:32:330:32:37

# Ball, ball, ball Footie, footie, footie! #

0:32:370:32:40

It may look like my ball comes first. All right, little fella?

0:32:400:32:45

But Julie knows she's my number one.

0:32:450:32:49

Well, most of the time.

0:32:490:32:51

WHISPERS

0:32:510:32:52

He's given his life to football. But can he keep it up?

0:32:560:32:58

Please welcome ball-control freak Dan Magness!

0:32:580:33:02

CHEERING

0:33:020:33:05

-Dan, how's it going?

-Good to have you here.

0:33:160:33:19

So, Dan, let's check out your stats.

0:33:190:33:20

Dan learned his footballing tricks growing up in Guildford.

0:33:200:33:23

He played for Wimbledon FC until he was 16 years old,

0:33:230:33:24

and he's the holder of six world records,

0:33:240:33:28

including keeping a ball up for 26 hours.

0:33:280:33:31

Now, I don't want to blind everyone with complicated football terminology.

0:33:310:33:34

But I'd say it's pretty safe to say you're good at kicking the ball?

0:33:340:33:37

Yeah, I'm not bad.

0:33:370:33:38

Let's get down to business.

0:33:380:33:40

Joe, please tell us what Dan has to do to Epic Win tonight.

0:33:400:33:43

Ladies and gentlemen, to Epic Win tonight, Dan Magness has to get up

0:33:430:33:48

and get dressed - whilst keeping uppy!

0:33:480:33:51

So, Dan, to explain exactly what you have to do, let's head for the bed.

0:33:540:33:57

Now, this is your flat.

0:34:020:34:04

-Beautiful.

-I love what you've done with this place.

0:34:060:34:09

Look, we've got trainers, tracksuit top, tracksuit bottoms, some hats.

0:34:090:34:13

And there's the ball. OK, Dan's got to keep that off the ground.

0:34:130:34:17

We're going to stick him in this bed and give him

0:34:170:34:18

90 seconds to get up, get dressed and get himself out of the door.

0:34:180:34:22

If he can do it he will be an Epic Winner and play for the money.

0:34:220:34:24

But if he can't get his kit on and get out there in time,

0:34:240:34:28

it will be an Epic Fail.

0:34:280:34:30

OK? And you've got to get a hat on.

0:34:300:34:33

All in 90 seconds.

0:34:330:34:35

-I can't get in!

-OK, are you ready?

0:34:350:34:38

-Yeah.

-Your time starts in three, two, one, go!

0:34:380:34:42

HORN BLARES

0:34:420:34:44

25 seconds gone.

0:35:080:35:10

45 seconds left.

0:35:270:35:29

30 seconds left!

0:35:420:35:44

I've never seen a ball control like it.

0:35:570:36:00

You are an epic winner.

0:36:000:36:02

Let's see what the panel made of it. Come over here.

0:36:020:36:04

Well, Micky, that was head and shoulders above anything I've seen.

0:36:040:36:07

It was fantastic. Loads of skills.

0:36:070:36:09

I was a little bit worried when you balanced it on your foot

0:36:090:36:11

-and started doing stuff.

-Yeah, so was I.

0:36:110:36:15

I thought you were going to keep it up all the time.

0:36:150:36:17

That is my one criticism. I thought at one point you were going to...

0:36:170:36:20

BOOING

0:36:200:36:22

I thought at one point you were just going to put it up your jumper and carry on.

0:36:220:36:26

I thought at the end you're going to do some fancy...

0:36:260:36:28

You know, catch it on the side of your foot, flick it.

0:36:280:36:32

That was a bit like...

0:36:320:36:33

Granted, now I'm feeling like one of those judges at the Olympics. Like, "Your foot moved!"

0:36:330:36:38

But I thought there was going to be another little bit

0:36:380:36:40

of fanciness in there.

0:36:400:36:42

The thing is, for me, at the end of doing it,

0:36:420:36:44

I didn't want to mess it up.

0:36:440:36:46

So when I'm coming through the door, I'll clock off then.

0:36:460:36:48

Done. So I thought,

0:36:480:36:50

I'm not going to carry on with it, you know what I mean?

0:36:500:36:53

That's what made Britain great, that attitude!

0:36:550:36:59

Well, thank you very much, panel.

0:36:590:37:01

Now, Dan, obviously you are an Epic Winner.

0:37:010:37:04

That means you are taking home some silverware

0:37:040:37:07

in the form of the Epic Win trophy.

0:37:070:37:08

But don't head up the tunnel just yet.

0:37:080:37:12

Because, as an Epic Winner, you're going to be valued by the panel

0:37:120:37:14

and hopefully get yourself some cash.

0:37:140:37:17

Join me, please, in the Epic Centre and we'll find out what your win is worth.

0:37:170:37:22

There we are.

0:37:220:37:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:37:230:37:25

OK, now, panel. Once again, you have up to £1,000 each.

0:37:260:37:29

It's up to you to decide how much money Dan's dressing-up dexterity deserves.

0:37:290:37:33

Pick your value and lock it in.

0:37:330:37:35

I'll try to keep it uppy for you.

0:37:390:37:41

There it is.

0:37:430:37:45

OK, there we go. Dan, as you know,

0:37:450:37:47

-the panel's total could be anything from £3 to £3,000...

-Not bad, mate!

0:37:470:37:54

OK, it's up to you when you hit that big red button and stop the money.

0:38:020:38:06

-Are you ready?

-Always ready.

-There's your big red button.

0:38:060:38:09

Joe, let's turn powers into pounds.

0:38:090:38:12

£64.

0:38:170:38:19

Bit more?

0:38:190:38:21

-Yeah, bit more than that. Hopefully, yeah.

-£446!

0:38:210:38:30

Bit more? Yeah? Bit more.

0:38:300:38:32

£988.

0:38:410:38:43

-You're going to £988?

-Yeah.

0:38:470:38:49

You're going to stop it at 988?

0:38:490:38:51

-Yeah.

-So, are you going to be playing at home with that?

0:38:510:38:54

Or, like every other high-profile footballer, have you slightly overvalued yourself?

0:38:540:38:58

I'll probably go in the casino with it.

0:38:580:39:00

Let's find out.

0:39:000:39:02

Epic Win!

0:39:080:39:09

You stopped the money before you went bust.

0:39:130:39:16

That means you are taking home £980.

0:39:160:39:19

Congratulations. Here's the big question,

0:39:190:39:22

could you have held out for more?

0:39:220:39:23

Let's see how much the panel actually gave you.

0:39:230:39:27

That's a lot, isn't it?

0:39:300:39:33

That was £1,685 out.

0:39:330:39:36

Yeah, it's true. Just a bit, wasn't it?

0:39:360:39:39

You valued yourself... You're too modest, Dan.

0:39:390:39:41

-Well, you know.

-OK, let's see who your fans were over here.

0:39:410:39:45

Wow. You couldn't be happier than with Nina's allocation there.

0:39:480:39:53

-Yeah, thank you very much.

-A lot of guys go, "I can do this stuff."

0:39:530:39:57

And they don't last more than about 10 keepy-uppies.

0:39:570:40:00

-So, I think you're amazing.

-Thank you so much, cheers.

0:40:000:40:03

£950, Micky?

0:40:030:40:05

Brilliant skills and everything. But it was sort of useful.

0:40:050:40:07

You could almost make a career out of this, entertaining people.

0:40:070:40:13

So I was wobbling saying, actually, I'm not going to give you very much.

0:40:130:40:16

But then you were so brilliant and you did it so quickly, I came down in the end and decided I was

0:40:160:40:20

going to give you all this money,

0:40:200:40:22

-but I was going to make sure the money went to your girlfriend.

-Yeah.

0:40:220:40:25

-Not me?

-To go on a nice city break.

0:40:250:40:29

And you can't take your ball.

0:40:290:40:32

Well, Dan, you are leaving here with £988 and the Epic Win trophy.

0:40:370:40:43

Thanks very much. Cheers, mate.

0:40:430:40:46

Ladies and gentlemen, he finished at the top of the table.

0:40:460:40:49

Make the stands shake for our latest hero, Dan Magness!

0:40:490:40:52

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:40:520:40:55

There we have it.

0:41:050:41:07

That's all the public pottiness we have time for this evening.

0:41:070:41:09

Thanks to our panel, Jason Manford, Nina Wadia and Nicky Flanagan.

0:41:090:41:14

Thanks to Joe.

0:41:140:41:16

And thanks to you for watching.

0:41:160:41:19

Good night!

0:41:190:41:21

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:41:250:41:28

E-mail [email protected]

0:41:280:41:31

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