Episode 1 Epic Win


Episode 1

Alexander Armstrong welcomes ordinary individuals to put their extraordinary abilities to the test. With comedians Micky Flanagan, Jason Manford and Joe Lycett.


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Transcript


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'They've come from all over the UK, ordinary people with extraordinary abilities,

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'powers so pointless they will rock the very foundations of society.

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'Heroes will rise, legends will be born! This is Epic Win!'

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'Please welcome your epic host, it's Alexander Armstrong!'

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Thank you, hello! I'm Alexander Armstrong and this is Epic Win,

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the show that scours the country to find great British heroes

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with jaw-droppingly senseless superpowers.

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But what, you may be asking yourself, is an epic win?

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Well, can you carry home the weekly shop using only your ears?

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I can.

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LAUGHTER

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Can you use your beard as a paintbrush?

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Or can you build a car from bread?

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If so, you could be an epic winner,

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and these are precisely the types of skills that people will be demonstrating on this show.

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And it all happens here, in the Epic Centre.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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This is where our heroes have their powers tested.

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If they pass the challenge we set them, they'll earn the title of epic winner,

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and get the chance to win cold, hard cash.

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But, if they don't, they'll leave the studio as penniless epic failures,

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through the dreaded Fail Door.

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DOOR CREAKS

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ahh!

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Most things on this show are too epic for one man to handle,

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so, Joe, open those announcing pipes and tell us, who've we got on the show this week?

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'Gazing in wonder at public pointlessness tonight,

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'our panel are...'

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He's a comedian who walks on the wild side.

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Must be the new shoes. It's stand-out stand-up, Jason Manford!

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APPLAUSE

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When Jason breaks a mirror, he gets seven years' GOOD luck.

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EPIC WIN!

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When she's in Walford, Albert isn't square, he's groovy. It's Nina Wadia!

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APPLAUSE

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Last night, there was a massive thunderstorm,

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but Nina slept right through. EPIC WIN!

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And if Carol Vorderman's the thinking man's crumpet,

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meet the thinking woman's iced bun. It's comedian Micky Flanagan!

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APPLAUSE

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At lunch, Micky bit into a pizza, and didn't burn his mouth! EPIC WIN!

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Fabulous, Joe.

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And you'll be hanging round to help me through the show?

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You can count on that, yes.

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Fantastic. Joe Lycett, everybody.

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APPLAUSE

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The panel will be awarding cash to our epic winners.

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How much depends on how impressed they are with our contenders' skills.

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But it's easier to show you how it all works,

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so let's find out who our first pretender to the Epic throne is tonight.

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My name is Shaun Jones, I'm a house painter and decorator,

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and plasterer.

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'I've always been a bit different. I'm a bit of a medical mystery.

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'I first discovered this as a small child.

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'Doctors were baffled by the strength of my lungs.'

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It's a mystery how I've never hurt myself using my power,

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'because it can be pretty dangerous.'

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HE SNEEZES

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'Once I learned how to control it, it became pretty handy.

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'As I got older, I decided to embrace my gift.

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'I've developed an intense training routine

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'to help me get the best out of my lungs.

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'My name is Shaun Jones.

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'I'm 51 years old, and I am Mr Remarkable Man!'

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APPLAUSE

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Take a deep breath, folks. It's Mr Remarkable Man, Shaun Jones!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Shaun, how are you? Welcome, welcome. Great to have you here.

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So, Shaun Jones. You're a painter and decorator.

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You're also a record-breaking extreme weight-lifter,

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the first, in fact, to squat-lift non-stop for 24 hours.

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So, first things first, when does weightlifting become extreme, Shaun?

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On my 50th birthday last year,

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I became the first person in the world

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to non-stop squat-lift for 24 hours,

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-and lift over a million pound in weight.

-What?!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

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Yes!

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Well, let's find out exactly what Shaun's challenge is.

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Over to you, Joe.

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Tonight, using only his lungs,

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Mr Remarkable Man, Shaun Jones, has to burst hot water bottles

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on an exercise bike!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

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-On an exercise bike? That...

-The craziest thing I've ever done.

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-Really?

-And I've done some crazy stuff, I'd assure you of that.

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Well, we're going to meet the panel.

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Here are the people who are going to be judging your talent. Micky?

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We all like blowing things up.

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LAUGHTER

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No, men do see it as a very masculine thing,

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"Give us that here, I'll blow that up."

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But just one request, Shaun, if I get a bit faint

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during these shows, if I go over,

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please don't give me the kiss of life.

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LAUGHTER

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What is the weirdest thing you've ever blown up?

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I've been globally challenged to blow up and burst 100 hot water bottles

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-one after the other.

-So you're sticking with hot water bottles?

-And then...

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if that's been done, I will become the first person

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on a plane, blowing up a hot water bottle burst in the air.

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It's annoying when there's a kid crying behind you,

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imagine you sat behind!

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"Can I get a good seat? This guy..."

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LAUGHTER

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Well, I can't wait to see this. Here we are.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Here we have one exercise bike, and a bunch of hot water bottles.

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Shaun has to burst three of these in one minute

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-while continually peddling on this exercise bike...

-Come on!

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..for no good reason at all!

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If he can do it, it's an Epic Win, and he'll go on to play our money game.

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If not, he'll be breezing out through the Fail Door.

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Are you a military man, Shaun? You have excellent posture.

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Well, I can't say.

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OK, yes, best, er...

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-I'm not obliged to say.

-No, you're not obliged to say.

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Now, this is very dangerous, don't try this at home,

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for goodness' sake. Exercise bikes are an absolute menace.

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-Right, it's three bottles in 60 seconds.

-Come on, people!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, right, your time starts now!

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KLAXON SOUNDS

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AUDIENCE SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

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BOTTLE BURSTS

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One bottle!

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BOTTLE BURSTS

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Two bottles done!

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40 seconds on the clock remaining.

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BOTTLE BURSTS

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Three bottles done!

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32 seconds left on the clock!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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You were nearly wearing that bike there, Shaun.

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I'll just give you a second or two to get your...

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Mr Remarkable Man!

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-You undersold yourself with just "remarkable".

-Yeah.

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-You want to be Fantastic Man.

-MR Fantastic Man!

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Panel, have a look at that, look at that.

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-Wow.

-That's the power of this man's lungs.

-That's phenomenal.

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That's British craftsmanship there.

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LAUGHTER

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Does the air come out of you that powerful at both ends?

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I imagine that must take out a puppy.

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Nina, does it deserve his name, Mr Remarkable Man?

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Oh, absolutely. I think that is incredible.

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Is there anyone in the audience who thinks they can actually do that?!

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Anybody want to do that?

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Well, Mr Remarkable Man, you are an epic winner,

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and that means you have definitely won the equally remarkable Epic Win trophy, so very well done.

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APPLAUSE

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You can't buy those in the shops.

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But, as an epic winner, you're now going to have a value

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put on your skill, and you could take home some cash.

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Join me in the Epic Centre, we'll find out what your win is worth.

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OK, now, panel, each of you has up to £1,000 to throw at Shaun.

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The decision to make is how much will you give a man with bottle-bursting breath?

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Think of what your figure is, anything from £1 to £1000,

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and lock it in.

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What?

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They're just assessing your worth here, Shaun.

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Right, there it is, all locked in.

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So, Shaun, we've totted up the amounts

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that our three panellists think your power deserves,

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and the grand total could be anything from £3 to £3000.

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So, Joe is going to offer you increasing sums of money.

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You can stop the cash whenever you like with our big red button.

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If you stop the money before it goes over the panel's total, it will be an...

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EPIC WIN!

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And you'll go home with whatever amount of money you stopped on.

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But, if you hold out for too long and go even £1 over the panel's total,

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how much will he go home with, Joe?

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Zero pounds.

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Ready on the big red button, then.

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Joe, let's turn powers into pounds.

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£890.

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-AUDIENCE:

-More!

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Shaun wants more.

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£1,385.

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Mr Remarkable Man. They say go up.

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Do you want to go up?

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AUDIENCE SHOUT

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OK, the Remarkable Man wants more.

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£1,963.

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Mr Remarkable Man, you're...

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OK, he wants more, Joe.

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£2,648!

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-AUDIENCE:

-More!

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It's not their money! It's not their money, Shaun!

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If you go over the amount, you won't get it.

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What are you doing?!

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LAUGHTER

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What are you doing?!

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-OK.

-Think about this!

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It can only be three grand!

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£3,000!

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Wow, you've gone for £3,000.

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So, have you bagged the money, or have you blown it?

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Let's find out.

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LAUGHTER

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Zero pounds!

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Oh, Shaun! Shaun, Shaun, Shaun.

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You left it too late. Zero pounds.

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I did tell you.

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But what was the cut-off point?

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Shall we see what the panel's actual total was?

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£1,963.

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-You could...

-Well, I'm in it to win it, so...

-You're not, though!

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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You know what you did? You over-inflated your value there!

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OK, right, let's see how their values broke down.

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Oh, look at that!

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Pretty fair, pretty fair. Well, we'll start with Nina.

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360, not that impressed?

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I just don't know why you do it, and that confused me!

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I thought £300 for what you can actually do,

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£60 for a few hot water bottles you can buy for a couple of months,

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and that's it, sorry.

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OK, 730 from Micky?

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I think you might want to let some of that air seep up

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towards your brain.

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LAUGHTER

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Because the chances of us giving you three grand there

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were very, very slight.

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And it's not just because we're scared you're going to blow it.

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LAUGHTER

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The showmanship was fantastic.

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I noticed you've got a string vest so I gave you an extra £13 for that.

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Jason, the highest amount awarded there.

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I was going to give you 900 quid, but I took a tenner out

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because I went to the barber and he had to go through my hair and pick out bits of hot water bottle.

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Shaun, you didn't win the cash, but don't feel too deflated.

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You are still an epic winner and you will still burst out of here with this glorious Epic Win trophy.

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APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen, he is the dictionary definition of Epic WIND, the heroic Shaun Jones!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now, when we came across our next epic hopeful,

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we knew his power couldn't be contained within a mere TV studio.

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It was simply way too epic. To find out what he is all about, please welcome Brian Radam!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Brian Radam is a master locksmith from Southport,

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with a singularly amazing claim to fame.

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He runs the world's only dedicated lawnmower museum.

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Yes, you heard me exactly right. A lawnmower museum.

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Brian, what sort of person goes to a lawnmower museum?

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Loads of people from all over the world.

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When you opened the museum, were you very proud of it? Did you keep all the cuttings?

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LAUGHTER

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Did you?! I apologise for that immediately.

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So, Joe, what is Brian's challenge going to be tonight?

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Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Radam is going to be naming lawnmowers

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just by looking at the grass they have cut.

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AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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OK. Here's how Brian's challenge will work.

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We've taken 20 lawnmowers and mown strips of grass with five of them.

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All Brian has to do is match the right lawnmowers to the strips of grass.

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If he gets three out of five right, he will be an epic winner and go on to play the money game.

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-If not, he will make an untimely exit through the Fail Door.

-AUDIENCE: Aww!

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So, how did Brian get on? Let's take a look.

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20 lawnmowers...

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..one man...

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a tape measure...

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five strips of grass.

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Can Brian Radam match the blades of grass to the blades of the machine?

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This is a nice, flat finish. Nicely cut grass.

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Anybody would be quite happy with this finish on their lawn.

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This is the Suffolk Punch.

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The grass on here has been cut quite well.

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Wet grass just sticks to everything and it's very difficult to tell,

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but the cut's nice and sharp.

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I'd probably say

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it's the Ransome Certes.

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One of the best hand mowers in the world.

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Hmm. The grass is not as cleanly cut as the others.

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I'd say this is

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the Electric Castelgarden machine.

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This is a really nice, flat finish. Anybody would be proud of this lawn.

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And it's been a nice lawnmower that's cut it as well.

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This is going to be the Allett Royale machine,

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because it is so perfect.

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OK, this one, all the grass is going in different directions.

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It must be a rotary machine.

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I would say this is the HRX Honda.

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APPLAUSE

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Wow, excellent stuff. Wow.

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No idea how you've done, but that was fantastic. You need three out of five,

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-are you feeling confident?

-Hopefully.

-OK. Let's find out how you did.

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It was wet.

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All right, it was wet, we'll put a "W" next to your results!

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-And you'd been drinking...?

-LAUGHTER

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OK, let's see how Brian did.

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OK, Brian, let's cut to the chase. Did you match the mowers?

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Your first guess was a Suffolk Punch. Did you hit the spot?

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Bang on target,

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that's one out of five. Next up,

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you plumped for the Ransome Certes.

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Is that right?

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Yes, it certainly is!

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Three left. You only need one more

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and you'll be an epic winner. Could this be the clincher?

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You said the Castelgarden.

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Brian, you are the king of the Castelgarden!

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-That's three out of three - you've bagged yourself an Epic Win!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Three out of three, you are an epic winner - congratulations.

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Would you like to see what happened with the other two?

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-OK.

-Let's just see how you did.

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Your fourth suspect was the Allett Royale.

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Will this be your crowning glory?

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Yes, that's four out of four!

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And finally, you selected the Honda HRX.

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And you make a clean sweep...

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Astonishing! It's five out of five.

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Congratulations, that's a full house.

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Brian...

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I can't even begin to understand how that's possible.

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-Jason, has that blown your mind as well?

-Five out of five...

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I can't believe that.

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So faultless, you made it look easy.

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You could blow me down with the first contestant.

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May I ask you a question, Brian?

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If I give you my leg to touch, would you be able to tell

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if I use a normal razor or an electric shaver?

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I wouldn't care, really, I'd just...!

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There you go.

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Brian, you are an epic winner and that means you

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have already won yourself the Epic Win trophy!

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But, Brian, you can win yourself some cash as well.

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It's time to play our money game. So join me, please, in the Epic Centre.

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There we are. Now, panel, once again,

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each of you has £1,000. How much you think a cutting edge skill like Brian's deserves?

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They are doing the impossible here. They are trying to put a cash value on your impeccable skills.

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OK, there it is. Locked in. Job done. You know the deal.

0:19:430:19:47

The panel's total could be anything from £3 to £3,000.

0:19:470:19:52

You can take home with you the amount that you stop it on

0:19:530:19:57

as long as you stop it before you go over the amount the panel has given you.

0:19:570:20:02

OK, hands at the ready. Joe, let's turn powers into pounds.

0:20:020:20:06

Let's.

0:20:060:20:08

£994.

0:20:100:20:13

AUDIENCE: More!

0:20:130:20:15

What are you thinking, Brian?

0:20:160:20:19

That would save a lot of lawnmowers.

0:20:190:20:21

It would, but they're all saying, "More!"

0:20:210:20:25

OK, we'll go up a bit.

0:20:250:20:27

OK, let's go.

0:20:270:20:29

£1442.

0:20:320:20:34

AUDIENCE: More!

0:20:340:20:36

What are you thinking now?

0:20:360:20:38

That's going to save a tremendous amount of lawnmowers.

0:20:380:20:41

Stop thinking about it in terms of lawnmowers being saved

0:20:410:20:45

-and start thinking about it in terms of how much...

-Have an 'oliday!

0:20:450:20:48

AUDIENCE: More!

0:20:480:20:51

-We'll go a little bit more.

-We're going to go one more, he thinks.

0:20:510:20:53

-2,070!

-Look at that. £2,070.

0:20:580:21:01

AUDIENCE: More!

0:21:010:21:03

-BUZZER

-There we are!

0:21:030:21:05

Very good.

0:21:050:21:07

-APPLAUSE

-You've cut off the cash at £2,070.

0:21:070:21:10

So, have you pushed your luck and valued yourself too highly,

0:21:100:21:14

or are you going to be going home with the green? Let's find out.

0:21:140:21:17

AUDIENCE GIGGLES

0:21:230:21:25

-Epic win!

-Yes!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:250:21:28

Bravo, Brian!

0:21:300:21:31

You knew when you'd had enough.

0:21:330:21:35

That means you will be leaving here with £2,070.

0:21:360:21:40

But did you stop at the perfect moment

0:21:400:21:42

or could you have made some more hay?

0:21:420:21:44

Let's see what the panel's total actually was.

0:21:440:21:48

-Oh, look at that!

-APPLAUSE

0:21:520:21:54

Very, very well done. Spot on.

0:21:540:21:58

A man with impeccable judgement. You gauged that absolutely beautifully.

0:21:580:22:02

-My congratulations.

-Thank you very much.

0:22:020:22:04

Let's just have a look at the panel and see how that broke down.

0:22:040:22:07

Wow! Wow, wow. Oh...

0:22:090:22:13

£270. What's wrong, Mickey?

0:22:130:22:14

I've got to send out a signal to people.

0:22:140:22:17

LAUGHTER

0:22:170:22:19

I think I could get the average gardener for a couple of weeks

0:22:190:22:22

with 20 lawnmowers and say,

0:22:220:22:25

-"Right, just practice," and he could come here and...

-No way!

0:22:250:22:28

You are belittling Brian's skill here.

0:22:280:22:30

BOOING

0:22:300:22:32

And that too on a wet day.

0:22:340:22:37

LAUGHTER

0:22:370:22:38

APPLAUSE

0:22:380:22:40

I give you 50 quid for each guess you got right.

0:22:440:22:49

And the other 20 quid for a deckchair,

0:22:490:22:52

so you can sit down for five minutes

0:22:520:22:55

-and have a little think about what you're getting up to.

-LAUGHTER

0:22:550:22:58

-Jason Manford has given you the full whack.

-Full whack, Brian.

0:23:000:23:05

-He's going to get a free audio tour.

-A free audio tour!

0:23:050:23:09

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:090:23:11

That's what is it's all about!

0:23:110:23:12

Listen, Brian, without a doubt, you are the maestro of mowers.

0:23:120:23:16

You trundle out of here with £2,070

0:23:160:23:19

plus the beautiful Epic Win trophy. There we are.

0:23:190:23:21

APPLAUSE

0:23:210:23:23

Congratulations to you, sir.

0:23:230:23:26

Ladies and gentlemen, as heroes go, he's a cut above the rest. It's Brian Radam!

0:23:260:23:31

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:310:23:33

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC

0:23:330:23:35

Wow! Yes.

0:23:400:23:42

Well, after that, you'd be forgiven for thinking you'd seen it all,

0:23:420:23:46

but you couldn't be more wrong. Let's meet our next contender.

0:23:460:23:49

I'm Natasha, I'm 28, from Essex, and I really love Take That.

0:23:490:23:53

MUSIC: "Greatest Day" by Take That

0:23:530:23:54

I first listened to Take That when I was nine. From then onwards, I was hooked.

0:23:540:23:59

Over the years, I've spent thousands following Take That around,

0:23:590:24:03

staying in the same hotels,

0:24:030:24:04

buying limited edition CDs, T-shirts, anything. You name, I've got it.

0:24:040:24:09

I once queued for 8½ hours to meet Gary Barlow.

0:24:090:24:13

It was totally worth it as I got a kiss

0:24:130:24:15

and a photo, and he signed my book for me.

0:24:150:24:18

When Take That split up, I couldn't stop crying.

0:24:180:24:21

I got sent home from school and it truly was the worst day of my life.

0:24:210:24:24

SAXOPHONE PLAYS "A MILLION LOVE SONGS"

0:24:240:24:27

When Take That got back together again, I was so excited, I can't tell you.

0:24:270:24:31

It was like all my dreams come true.

0:24:310:24:34

Oi! What have I told you? Go on. Get out.

0:24:340:24:37

LAUGHTER

0:24:370:24:39

APPLAUSE

0:24:390:24:41

Today, this could be the greatest day of her life.

0:24:410:24:46

If she can Epic Win, anyway. Please welcome Natasha Ampong!

0:24:460:24:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:490:24:51

-Hello!

-A very warm welcome to the show.

-Thank you.

0:24:590:25:03

So, here's what we know.

0:25:030:25:05

Her favourite member of Take That is Mark Owen.

0:25:050:25:07

She first went to a gig in 1993 and she's now seen them 15 times.

0:25:070:25:11

The last time she went, she queued for 11½ hours

0:25:110:25:14

just to be at the front. That is dedication.

0:25:140:25:16

So, why Take That? They're good, but they're no Bros.

0:25:160:25:20

They're amazing! LAUGHTER

0:25:200:25:22

They are 10 times better than Bros.

0:25:220:25:24

They are the best boy-band in the world.

0:25:240:25:26

Well, she loves Take That, but where can we take this?

0:25:260:25:29

What is Natasha's challenge going to be, Joe?

0:25:290:25:32

Tonight, Natasha Ampong will attempt to identify

0:25:320:25:35

any Take That song by hearing just one second.

0:25:350:25:40

APPLAUSE

0:25:400:25:43

They say, "It only takes a minute." For you, it only takes a second.

0:25:430:25:46

For your Epic Win challenge, we are going to be putting you

0:25:460:25:49

in the Seat of Second-Long Song Segments. Come with me.

0:25:490:25:52

-APPLAUSE

-There we are.

0:25:520:25:56

Here.

0:25:560:25:57

-Are you sitting comfortably?

-Yes.

0:25:590:26:01

OK, then we shall begin. We will play Natasha 10 one second clips from Take That songs.

0:26:010:26:05

These clips can come from any point in any song on any of their albums

0:26:050:26:09

and Natasha has to name eight of them correctly.

0:26:090:26:12

If she can do it, then it's an Epic Win and she'll get to play for the cash.

0:26:120:26:15

But, if not, then she's on her way to the door.

0:26:150:26:18

OK, so ears at the ready.

0:26:180:26:20

We're looking for eight out of 10.

0:26:200:26:23

-Here comes the first clip.

-# Can... #

0:26:230:26:26

What do you think?

0:26:280:26:29

I think...it's "A Million Love Songs".

0:26:290:26:33

Natasha says "A Million Love Songs." Let's see if that is right.

0:26:330:26:36

# A million love songs... #

0:26:360:26:38

Yes, it is. Very well done.

0:26:380:26:41

APPLAUSE

0:26:410:26:42

One out of one. So far, 100% success rate.

0:26:420:26:47

-Here is your second clip.

-STRING MUSIC

0:26:470:26:49

-Can I come back to that one?

-That's a pass. You only have one pass

0:26:520:26:55

to use across the songs. You're using it now.

0:26:550:26:58

We'll come back to that one. Your third clip. Here it comes.

0:26:580:27:01

BACKING TRACK PLAYS

0:27:020:27:04

I am going to say it's "Sunday To Saturday".

0:27:050:27:08

"Sunday To Saturday". Let's see if that's right.

0:27:080:27:10

# It's a Sunday through to Saturday... #

0:27:100:27:13

It's correct!

0:27:130:27:14

APPLAUSE

0:27:140:27:16

So far, two out of two answers. OK, here it comes.

0:27:160:27:19

PIANO AND DRUMS

0:27:190:27:20

-"Back For Good".

-"Back For Good," says Natasha. Let's see if it is.

0:27:220:27:25

-# Whatever I said... #

-Yes, it is!

0:27:250:27:28

APPLAUSE

0:27:280:27:29

-Here it comes, your fifth clip.

-UPBEAT BACKING TRACK

0:27:340:27:37

I'll go with "Could It Be Magic".

0:27:400:27:42

"Could It Be Magic," says Natasha. Let's see if that's right.

0:27:420:27:44

# Everything changes but you... #

0:27:440:27:47

-Oh, Everything Changes!

-Bad luck.

0:27:470:27:49

-Your first incorrect answer.

-OK.

0:27:490:27:53

Let's have your sixth song clip.

0:27:530:27:56

Butterfly.

0:27:580:27:59

Natasha says Butterfly. Let's see.

0:27:590:28:00

# How did we lose our way... #

0:28:000:28:02

-Oh, no.

-Oh, incorrect!

0:28:020:28:05

Like I Never Loved You At All.

0:28:050:28:08

-Now, then. You have to get this one right.

-OK.

0:28:080:28:10

Let's hear it.

0:28:100:28:11

# Wooah... #

0:28:110:28:13

Greatest Day.

0:28:140:28:16

Greatest Day, says Natasha for her seventh track. Is that right?

0:28:160:28:20

# Today this could be... #

0:28:200:28:22

Very well done, correct.

0:28:240:28:27

Very well done.

0:28:280:28:30

OK, here comes your eighth song.

0:28:300:28:32

Hold Up A Light?

0:28:350:28:37

Hold Up A Light, says Natasha. Is that right?

0:28:370:28:40

# Hold up a light... #

0:28:400:28:41

It's correct!

0:28:420:28:45

Very well done. Here is your ninth track. Are you ready, Natasha?

0:28:450:28:48

Very, very best of luck. Again, you have to get this right.

0:28:480:28:50

Mancunian Way?

0:28:550:28:58

Mancunian Way, says Natasha.

0:28:580:28:59

Let's see if that's right. It has to be right.

0:28:590:29:01

# I'm driving home... #

0:29:010:29:03

It's correct!

0:29:030:29:05

OK, right. Your 10th track.

0:29:100:29:12

Are you ready? It has to be right.

0:29:120:29:14

Ooh. It has to be right?

0:29:170:29:20

Another Crack In My Heart?

0:29:200:29:23

Another Crack In My Heart, says Natasha. Is it right?

0:29:230:29:25

# Another crack... #

0:29:280:29:30

It is!

0:29:300:29:31

OK, now, we have to go back to that second track.

0:29:310:29:35

You get one more chance to listen to it.

0:29:350:29:37

You have to score 8 out of 10 for this to be an Epic Win.

0:29:370:29:38

Here it comes.

0:29:380:29:40

It's a hard one.

0:29:430:29:46

It could be one of 125 songs.

0:29:460:29:50

I'm going to say...

0:29:530:29:56

God, I don't know. Holding Back The Tears.

0:29:560:29:59

Holding Back The Tears? If this is right, it's an Epic Win.

0:29:590:30:02

Let's hear.

0:30:020:30:04

# Although no-one understood... #

0:30:040:30:05

-Oh, no!

-No, it's The Flood!

0:30:050:30:08

-Oh, no.

-Nearly.

0:30:110:30:12

APPLAUSE

0:30:120:30:17

Nina, did Natasha relight your fire, there?

0:30:180:30:22

I think this is actually very healthy for you,

0:30:220:30:24

if you don't mind me saying.

0:30:240:30:26

Not that I'm turning this into a therapy show or anything like that.

0:30:280:30:33

No, you were just very unlucky.

0:30:330:30:35

I thought you did amazingly. We were marking down what we could do.

0:30:350:30:37

I got two out of ten.

0:30:370:30:40

And I got one out of ten. So you did really well.

0:30:400:30:42

I had earplugs in.

0:30:420:30:44

Oh, well, Natasha, unfortunately it couldn't be magic.

0:30:440:30:48

I'm afraid you've ended up with an Epic Fail. Which means, I'm afraid, you won't be playing for the money.

0:30:480:30:53

But it's not all bad,

0:30:530:30:55

because you will be taking home this fantastic piece of memorabilia.

0:30:550:30:58

It's an Epic Fail sticker.

0:30:580:31:01

There we are. See, it's not all bad.

0:31:010:31:03

There we are.

0:31:030:31:04

No other Take That fan has got one of those.

0:31:040:31:07

Never forget where you're coming from, Natasha.

0:31:070:31:09

I won't.

0:31:090:31:10

What about where you're going too, I'm afraid? The door over there.

0:31:100:31:14

I'm sorry.

0:31:140:31:16

Yes, that is what happens next.

0:31:160:31:18

Natasha, you will be leaving us through the Fail Door.

0:31:180:31:21

Tonight, she wasn't Top of the Pops. Natasha Ampong, make some tracks.

0:31:250:31:29

APPLAUSE

0:31:290:31:31

And take that!

0:31:350:31:38

Well, we've seen some pretty epic achievements tonight.

0:31:380:31:41

But, like an all you can eat buffet,

0:31:410:31:43

there's just enough room to squeeze a little bit more in.

0:31:430:31:45

So let's serve ourselves up tonight's final Epic challenge.

0:31:450:31:48

I'm Dan Magness, I'm 27 and I'm from Sheffield.

0:31:480:31:52

I've been a professional football freestyler now

0:31:520:31:55

for about the last eight years.

0:31:550:31:56

At the moment I hold six world records.

0:31:560:31:59

The longest time controlling a football, longest distance travelled

0:31:590:32:03

keeping up a football, most amount of face rolls across the forehead,

0:32:030:32:06

most amount of around the moon tricks in one minute,

0:32:060:32:09

most amount of consecutive touches using only the shoulders,

0:32:090:32:12

longest time controlling a football using only the back -

0:32:120:32:15

which is four minutes and two seconds.

0:32:150:32:16

I've impressed thousands of people with my ball skills,

0:32:160:32:19

but there's a problem.

0:32:190:32:21

Julie!

0:32:210:32:23

My wife struggles to keep up with me on the field.

0:32:300:32:33

Sometimes she does feel left out.

0:32:330:32:37

# Ball, ball, ball Footie, footie, footie! #

0:32:370:32:40

It may look like my ball comes first. All right, little fella?

0:32:400:32:45

But Julie knows she's my number one.

0:32:450:32:49

Well, most of the time.

0:32:490:32:51

WHISPERS

0:32:510:32:52

He's given his life to football. But can he keep it up?

0:32:560:32:58

Please welcome ball-control freak Dan Magness!

0:32:580:33:02

CHEERING

0:33:020:33:05

-Dan, how's it going?

-Good to have you here.

0:33:160:33:19

So, Dan, let's check out your stats.

0:33:190:33:20

Dan learned his footballing tricks growing up in Guildford.

0:33:200:33:23

He played for Wimbledon FC until he was 16 years old,

0:33:230:33:24

and he's the holder of six world records,

0:33:240:33:28

including keeping a ball up for 26 hours.

0:33:280:33:31

Now, I don't want to blind everyone with complicated football terminology.

0:33:310:33:34

But I'd say it's pretty safe to say you're good at kicking the ball?

0:33:340:33:37

Yeah, I'm not bad.

0:33:370:33:38

Let's get down to business.

0:33:380:33:40

Joe, please tell us what Dan has to do to Epic Win tonight.

0:33:400:33:43

Ladies and gentlemen, to Epic Win tonight, Dan Magness has to get up

0:33:430:33:48

and get dressed - whilst keeping uppy!

0:33:480:33:51

So, Dan, to explain exactly what you have to do, let's head for the bed.

0:33:540:33:57

Now, this is your flat.

0:34:020:34:04

-Beautiful.

-I love what you've done with this place.

0:34:060:34:09

Look, we've got trainers, tracksuit top, tracksuit bottoms, some hats.

0:34:090:34:13

And there's the ball. OK, Dan's got to keep that off the ground.

0:34:130:34:17

We're going to stick him in this bed and give him

0:34:170:34:18

90 seconds to get up, get dressed and get himself out of the door.

0:34:180:34:22

If he can do it he will be an Epic Winner and play for the money.

0:34:220:34:24

But if he can't get his kit on and get out there in time,

0:34:240:34:28

it will be an Epic Fail.

0:34:280:34:30

OK? And you've got to get a hat on.

0:34:300:34:33

All in 90 seconds.

0:34:330:34:35

-I can't get in!

-OK, are you ready?

0:34:350:34:38

-Yeah.

-Your time starts in three, two, one, go!

0:34:380:34:42

HORN BLARES

0:34:420:34:44

25 seconds gone.

0:35:080:35:10

45 seconds left.

0:35:270:35:29

30 seconds left!

0:35:420:35:44

I've never seen a ball control like it.

0:35:570:36:00

You are an epic winner.

0:36:000:36:02

Let's see what the panel made of it. Come over here.

0:36:020:36:04

Well, Micky, that was head and shoulders above anything I've seen.

0:36:040:36:07

It was fantastic. Loads of skills.

0:36:070:36:09

I was a little bit worried when you balanced it on your foot

0:36:090:36:11

-and started doing stuff.

-Yeah, so was I.

0:36:110:36:15

I thought you were going to keep it up all the time.

0:36:150:36:17

That is my one criticism. I thought at one point you were going to...

0:36:170:36:20

BOOING

0:36:200:36:22

I thought at one point you were just going to put it up your jumper and carry on.

0:36:220:36:26

I thought at the end you're going to do some fancy...

0:36:260:36:28

You know, catch it on the side of your foot, flick it.

0:36:280:36:32

That was a bit like...

0:36:320:36:33

Granted, now I'm feeling like one of those judges at the Olympics. Like, "Your foot moved!"

0:36:330:36:38

But I thought there was going to be another little bit

0:36:380:36:40

of fanciness in there.

0:36:400:36:42

The thing is, for me, at the end of doing it,

0:36:420:36:44

I didn't want to mess it up.

0:36:440:36:46

So when I'm coming through the door, I'll clock off then.

0:36:460:36:48

Done. So I thought,

0:36:480:36:50

I'm not going to carry on with it, you know what I mean?

0:36:500:36:53

That's what made Britain great, that attitude!

0:36:550:36:59

Well, thank you very much, panel.

0:36:590:37:01

Now, Dan, obviously you are an Epic Winner.

0:37:010:37:04

That means you are taking home some silverware

0:37:040:37:07

in the form of the Epic Win trophy.

0:37:070:37:08

But don't head up the tunnel just yet.

0:37:080:37:12

Because, as an Epic Winner, you're going to be valued by the panel

0:37:120:37:14

and hopefully get yourself some cash.

0:37:140:37:17

Join me, please, in the Epic Centre and we'll find out what your win is worth.

0:37:170:37:22

There we are.

0:37:220:37:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:37:230:37:25

OK, now, panel. Once again, you have up to £1,000 each.

0:37:260:37:29

It's up to you to decide how much money Dan's dressing-up dexterity deserves.

0:37:290:37:33

Pick your value and lock it in.

0:37:330:37:35

I'll try to keep it uppy for you.

0:37:390:37:41

There it is.

0:37:430:37:45

OK, there we go. Dan, as you know,

0:37:450:37:47

-the panel's total could be anything from £3 to £3,000...

-Not bad, mate!

0:37:470:37:54

OK, it's up to you when you hit that big red button and stop the money.

0:38:020:38:06

-Are you ready?

-Always ready.

-There's your big red button.

0:38:060:38:09

Joe, let's turn powers into pounds.

0:38:090:38:12

£64.

0:38:170:38:19

Bit more?

0:38:190:38:21

-Yeah, bit more than that. Hopefully, yeah.

-£446!

0:38:210:38:30

Bit more? Yeah? Bit more.

0:38:300:38:32

£988.

0:38:410:38:43

-You're going to £988?

-Yeah.

0:38:470:38:49

You're going to stop it at 988?

0:38:490:38:51

-Yeah.

-So, are you going to be playing at home with that?

0:38:510:38:54

Or, like every other high-profile footballer, have you slightly overvalued yourself?

0:38:540:38:58

I'll probably go in the casino with it.

0:38:580:39:00

Let's find out.

0:39:000:39:02

Epic Win!

0:39:080:39:09

You stopped the money before you went bust.

0:39:130:39:16

That means you are taking home £980.

0:39:160:39:19

Congratulations. Here's the big question,

0:39:190:39:22

could you have held out for more?

0:39:220:39:23

Let's see how much the panel actually gave you.

0:39:230:39:27

That's a lot, isn't it?

0:39:300:39:33

That was £1,685 out.

0:39:330:39:36

Yeah, it's true. Just a bit, wasn't it?

0:39:360:39:39

You valued yourself... You're too modest, Dan.

0:39:390:39:41

-Well, you know.

-OK, let's see who your fans were over here.

0:39:410:39:45

Wow. You couldn't be happier than with Nina's allocation there.

0:39:480:39:53

-Yeah, thank you very much.

-A lot of guys go, "I can do this stuff."

0:39:530:39:57

And they don't last more than about 10 keepy-uppies.

0:39:570:40:00

-So, I think you're amazing.

-Thank you so much, cheers.

0:40:000:40:03

£950, Micky?

0:40:030:40:05

Brilliant skills and everything. But it was sort of useful.

0:40:050:40:07

You could almost make a career out of this, entertaining people.

0:40:070:40:13

So I was wobbling saying, actually, I'm not going to give you very much.

0:40:130:40:16

But then you were so brilliant and you did it so quickly, I came down in the end and decided I was

0:40:160:40:20

going to give you all this money,

0:40:200:40:22

-but I was going to make sure the money went to your girlfriend.

-Yeah.

0:40:220:40:25

-Not me?

-To go on a nice city break.

0:40:250:40:29

And you can't take your ball.

0:40:290:40:32

Well, Dan, you are leaving here with £988 and the Epic Win trophy.

0:40:370:40:43

Thanks very much. Cheers, mate.

0:40:430:40:46

Ladies and gentlemen, he finished at the top of the table.

0:40:460:40:49

Make the stands shake for our latest hero, Dan Magness!

0:40:490:40:52

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:40:520:40:55

There we have it.

0:41:050:41:07

That's all the public pottiness we have time for this evening.

0:41:070:41:09

Thanks to our panel, Jason Manford, Nina Wadia and Nicky Flanagan.

0:41:090:41:14

Thanks to Joe.

0:41:140:41:16

And thanks to you for watching.

0:41:160:41:19

Good night!

0:41:190:41:21

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:41:250:41:28

E-mail [email protected]

0:41:280:41:31

Ever wished you could inflate hot water bottles whilst cycling? Ever tried playing keepy-uppy with a football whilst getting dressed? Ever thought you could identify a song by your favourite band just from listening to a single second of their music? Then Epic Win is the place for you, as host Alexander Armstrong welcomes ordinary individuals to put these, and more extraordinary abilities, to the test.

As well as taking on their personal challenge, each contestant will also face this week's Epic panel - comedians Micky Flanagan and Jason Manford, plus EastEnders' Nina Wadia. If our heroes succeed in their challenge, the panel will evaluate the skill, and the contestant will play against the epic totaliser to possibly win up to 3,000 pounds!

Joining Alexander and the panel is comedian Joe Lycett, who lends his totally epic voice as the on-screen announcer.


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