Episode 5 Epic Win

They've come from all over the UK.

Ordinary people with extraordinary abilities.

Powers so pointless, they will rock the very foundations of society.

Heroes will rise.

Legends will be born.

This is Epic Win.

Please welcome your Epic host. It's Alexander Armstrong!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed. Hello.

I am Alexander Armstrong, and this is Epic Win,

the show that scours the country to find great British heroes

with jaw-droppingly senseless superpowers. But what is an Epic Win?

Well, can you sing Bohemian Rhapsody backwards in Swahili?

Can you build life-size models of professional golfers out of soap?

Or perhaps you can prepare 4,000 pizzas while bungee-jumping off a pile of socks?

If so, you could be an Epic winner as these are precisely

the types of skills people will be demonstrating

and it all happens here in the Epic Centre.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh.

Yes, ooh. This is where our heroes come to have their powers tested. If they pass the challenge,

they earn themselves the title of Epic winner and get the chance to win some cold, hard cash.

But if they don't, they will leave the studio as a penniless Epic Fail through the dreaded Fail door.

DOOR CREAKS

To make sure the show lives up to its Epic name, I have a whole host of brilliant people around me.

So let's embrace the announcing beast

and introduce this week's guests. Joe, do your worst.

Gazing in wonder at public pointlessness tonight, our panel are...

He's a comedian who is as funny as he is tall.

It's the 12ft 7in joker, Stephen K Amos.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On the way here, Stephen got a double seat on the bus

and without putting a bag on it. Epic Win!

APPLAUSE

She spent two years in John Major's Cabinet, but he's let her out for tonight's show.

It's her Right Honourableness Ann Widdecombe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ann didn't fail GCSE French. Epic Win.

And he's bringing belly-laughs from Belly-fast.

It's stonking stand-up, Patrick Kielty.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The other day, Patrick thought he'd left a light on at home.

But he hadn't. Epic Win!

Excellent. The wonderful Joe Lycett, ladies and gentlemen.

Our panel will be awarding cash to our Epic winners.

How much money will depend on how impressed they are with our contenders' skills.

So enough Epic admin. Let's meet tonight's first challenger.

All I ever wanted to do was to break records.

And now I've got 350 of them.

Some people may call me a hero,

but I call myself a freak.

This is...

LAUGHTER

Loads of them.

I'm Peter Dowdeswell.

I'm 71 years old, and eating to me is a piece of cake.

Win or lose, he's got the stomach for it.

Please welcome Peter "The Eater" Dowdeswell.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome, Peter. Thanks for coming on the show.

Listen, Peter is a champion speed and volume eater, that's what that's called.

He once wolfed down a whole pound of Cheddar cheese in just over 70 seconds.

-How much do you spend on your weekly shop?

-Hardly anything at all.

-Really?

-I'm a very small eater.

Really? Other than when you're contesting?

When I'm doing competitions, I'm a big eater. When I'm at home, I only eat small.

Is there any all-you-can-eat buffet from which you are not banned?

No.

OK. Let's see if we can make some Epic magic happen. Joe, what is Peter's challenge going to be?

Tonight, in front of your very eyes,

Peter will attempt to eat 100 inches of sausages in one minute.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Sorry, I don't like the sound of that at all!

Well, thanks very much, Joe, I...I think!

-So, it's man versus meal. Well, man verses many meals, I'd say. 100 inches of sausages!

-Yeah.

You know, I once had a holiday job tying the knots in sausages.

As a result of that job, I didn't eat sausages for 20 years.

-Don't you ever feel put off sausages?

-No.

LAUGHTER

OK, so Peter has 60 seconds to dispose of 20 five-inch hotdog sausages.

If he can polish off the lot, it'll be an Epic Win and he'll play for the money. If not,

he'll be leaving us, albeit heavier, through the Fail door.

Right, all we need now are the sausages themselves,

so Joe, please bring on the bangers.

APPLAUSE

Wow.

All right, Peter.

Now my life is complete.

Yeah, well, I love sausages, so the joke's on you, actually.

Look at those! That's what you've got to eat!

Don't try this at home. Speed-eating can only help reduce weight as part of a calorie-controlled diet.

Great stuff. So, 20 sausages in 60 seconds.

The time starts as soon as the first sausage goes into your mouth. Here we go, best of luck.

KLAXON

There goes the fourth.

And the fifth sausage. Sixth sausage.

The seventh sausage. The eighth.

The ninth, down it goes.

20 seconds gone.

There's another.

30 seconds gone.

OK. Down they go.

There are five sausages remaining on the plate.

On they go. Yep.

Keep going. 45 seconds.

Yeah.

-CHIMING

-There we are, we've done it!

Epic Win!

All well, all good? I think you've redefined the notion of fast food.

That means you are an Epic winner, so congratulations!

How...

How could you possibly do that...

without mustard?

LAUGHTER

Let's go and talk to the panel. So, Patrick, what do you say to that?

-Safely down?

-I'm fine.

-Do you go round the back now and... or... No?

-No.

I'll go outside, sit down and have something to eat, comfortable.

I think you'll need a good old sit-down after that, eventually!

Did you... That was quite impressive, I've got to say.

And a bit of a...

but what would really make me go "wow"

is if there was some clown music, and then you got them out, all joined up.

That would be just... That would be an Epic Win.

Now, Ann, as someone who worked in a sausage factory, now you've seen that,

does it make you want to eat sausages now?

No. I was put off for 20 years after the sausage factory,

and I've got a horrible feeling it's going to be another 20 years!

What was the first sausage you had after the sausage factory?

That must have been a really good sausage!

Well, Peter, you're an Epic winner. That means you have won the big fat Epic Win trophy.

APPLAUSE

As an Epic winner, the panel will put a cash value on your skill.

You could leave with full pockets as well as a full stomach,

so join me in the Epic Centre, and we'll find out what your win is worth.

You stand over here.

OK, panel, each of you has up to £100,000 with which to praise Peter for his fantastic skill.

The question you have to ask yourselves is this -

how much is a man who can process processed pork really worth?

In pounds? Decide now, and key it into your pad.

That noise means it's all been locked in, Peter.

So we've totted up the amounts that the three panellists

think your power deserves, and the grand total can be anything from £3 to £3,000.

Joe is going to offer you increasing sums of money. You can stop the cash whenever you like,

but if you stop the money before going over the total, it will be an...

Epic Win!

..and you'll go home with whatever money you stopped on.

But if you wait too long and go even £1 over, how much will he go home with?

Zero pounds...

And that would really take the biscuit... if you haven't already eaten it.

Joe, let's turn powers into pounds.

Let's.

469.

AUDIENCE: More! More!

They're all pointing at you in quite a scary way,

and shouting "more". What do you think?

-Carry on.

-He's going to carry on.

£960.

Go on.

AUDIENCE: More! More!

They're baying. OK, carry on, says Peter.

£1,011.

There we are. You're stopping at £1,011.

Are you about taste sweet victory, or are your eyes bigger than your stomach?

I think that's very unlikely, but... Let's see.

-Epic Win!

-Hey! Well done!

Excellent work, Peter. You knew when you had enough,

which means you are leaving here with £1,011.

Tonight just got an awful lot sweeter for Peter the Eater! Very well done indeed.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What everyone wants to know, of course, is, did you get close to the panel's total?

Or have you made a right dog's dinner of it?

Let's see what the panel thought you were worth.

Whoa!

£1,860. You could have held out for that.

Let's see how the panel broke down the amounts they've allocated.

Ah!

-Patrick, you've given him the full bag of sand.

-Yes, I have. I have.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I decided to calculate it scientifically. I gave you a tenner an inch.

-Stephen K?

-You've got 350 world records,

so I gave you £350, plus £1 for what you did tonight,

and £9 for...kind of indigestion tablets.

Peter, you grabbed this challenge with both hands, as well as stuffing it down your mouth,

and you leave us with £1,011, and, more importantly, the Epic Win trophy. Look at that.

There we are. Don't eat it all at once!

Ladies and gentlemen, the king of the eaters, it's your hungry, hungry hero, Peter Dowdeswell!

Very well done.

That went down very well with our studio audience, but can our next Epic challenger deliver the goods?

Let's find out as we meet Stephen Parkes!

-Stephen.

-Hi.

-Welcome. Wow, just look at that - wow! You thought you'd come blue(!)

Goodness. Stephen is pretty much a Smurf-aholic.

And here's a few facts about him. Stephen is a media technician from Brighton, as you can see(!)

He started collecting Smurfs at ten, and features in the 2011 Guinness Book Of World Records

for owning the largest collection of Smurf memorabilia in the world.

-How many items are there in your collection?

-Over 2,000.

-Wow!

-Do you go to Smurf conventions?

-Yeah!

-What happens there?

-We just sit around and talk Smurfs. And swap Smurfs.

-Wow.

-And buy Smurfs.

-And then the pair of you... head home!

-Yeah!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is there a... Is there a Smurfette in your life?

There isn't currently, no.

AUDIENCE: Aw...

I love the way people are shocked!

I have to say, Stephen, you've already won me round,

but, Joe, what will Stephen be doing for his Epic Win?

Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Parkes's challenge

is to identify Smurfs just by seeing their silhouettes.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Let's go and meet the panel, the people who will be judging you and putting a value on your power.

-So, Stephen K, did you have a favourite toy as a child?

-I come from quite a big family

and money was quite tight in our household, so the thing I used to want most was little toys you got

in the bottom of the cereal packet.

I've run downstairs early, shoved my hand in the bottom

and retrieved what was always a bicycle reflector! Remember those?

I collected about 50,

put them on my jacket, went to school going, "Yeah, look at me!

"We can afford cereal...

"but not a bicycle!"

Now, Patrick, do you think it's possible to know too much about Smurfs?

I think, looking at Stephen, it possibly is.

-I love you, Stephen.

-OK.

-You look like a leprechaun that's been left out in the cold too long!

Here's how Stephen's challenge will work.

We'll show Stephen ten silhouettes of Smurfs.

He has to name eight correctly to secure an Epic Win.

But with hundreds of Smurfing variations to choose from, it won't be easy.

If he can, he'll play for the cash,

but if not, then I'm afraid it's the Fail door.

AUDIENCE: Aw...

-Don't look glum, it hasn't happened yet.

-Sorry.

We wanted to make sure you're comfortable,

so we got a special chair for you. Come with me.

You pop yourself up there.

-Are you ready to take on your Epic challenge?

-Think so.

Remember, it's eight out of ten for an Epic Win.

Let us spot some Smurfs.

OK, here's your first Smurf.

OK, that's part of the football series.

I think it's Goalkeeper Smurf. He's got a green jersey on.

-Something about the stance?

-Yeah.

-OK, Goalkeeper Smurf is what Stephen is saying. Is that right?

Yes, it is!

One out of one.

OK, your next Smurfing silhouette.

OK, that is a fireman Smurf.

He's got a fireman's costume on. It's an American fireman.

Two out of two! Well done. Correct.

Here is your third Smurf silhouette.

LAUGHTER

-There's not a lot to go on!

-Have you got any ideas?

-No, I haven't.

-Which Smurf out of...how many were there?

-450-odd.

-450-odd Smurfs.

Ah, yes. It's just come to me, I think.

I think that is part of the film ones.

I think that's Stuntman Smurf. He's got a broken leg.

-Stuntman Smurf.

-And a plaster on his head.

-Let's see if that's right.

Three out of three!

OK, here's your fourth Smurf silhouette.

OK, that is part of a Classic range, where they reintroduced them.

I think that's the Classic Brainy Smurf.

Classic Brainy Smurf, saying "A-ha!"

Let's see if he says "a-ha" to this.

Ah, he does!

You've answered four out of ten.

You've got four correct, 100%. You only need four more.

Let's see your next Smurf silhouette.

OK, that's a Papa Smurf, and it was produced for the 50th anniversary.

-I think it's Party Papa Smurf.

-Party Papa Smurf.

That's correct!

Five out of ten. You've got three more.

Here's your sixth Smurf.

OK, that's part of a Halloween series that they produced.

I think that one's the Mummy. It's got bandages wrapped around it.

Yes, it is!

That's six out of ten. You need only two more for an Epic Win.

I think that's part of the Football series again.

He's got his jacket over his head. I think he's called...

Goal Getter.

Goal Getter. Let's see if that's right.

It is!

You only need to get one more right, and you have three opportunities in which to get it right.

OK. Um, he is playing a guitar

and I think he's called Lead Guitar Smurf.

It is right! Fantastic!

-Epic Win!

-Put it right there.

That's amazing.

Wow, I've no idea if that make-up washes off,

but you are an Epic winner. Congratulations. Does that feel good?

Yeah, that feels Smurf-tastic.

LAUGHTER

Yes, I feared it might. OK. Well, that's superb. Very well done. Come and talk to the panel.

Let's see what they made of that. Ann, is this sort of thing that should be taught in schools?

-I think not. But it was rather joyful to watch.

-Is this a dream?!

LAUGHTER

Stephen, you are an Epic winner, so you are definitely taking home

the eye-catching and utterly beautiful Epic Win trophy.

Yes. Well done.

But what is your win worth? It's time to have your skill valued by our panel.

Will you join me, please, in the Epic Centre.

There we are. Now, panel, each of you has up to £1,000. Come up with a number

and key it in.

Oh, right. It's been locked in. So, Stephen, it's the same deal.

The panel's total could be anything from £3 to £3,000.

To win some of that cash, all you have to do is hit the button

before you go over their combined total.

-If you can do that, Joe, it will be an...

-Epic Win!

But if you try to take even £1 more than the panel has given you,

-how much will he be paying taking home, Joe?

-Zero pounds...

And Papa Smurf wouldn't want that. OK. So don't forget -

the total sum the panel awarded you could be anything that appears on that board.

-It could be the very first offer. Are you ready?

-I am.

-OK.

Let's turn powers, Joe, into pounds.

£69.

AUDIENCE: More! More!

-I think they're saying "keep going". Are you happy to keep going?

-Yes.

-Joe, he's going to keep going.

£428.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT

Go on.

You are going to go on? He's going to go on, Joe.

£998!

What are you thinking?

-I am going to go on again.

-You're going to go on again. He's going to twist?

£1,152!

He's stopped it at £1,152.

OK, so are you Smurfing your way home with that, or have you won nothing? Let's find out.

-Zero pounds.

-Oh, no!

AUDIENCE GROANS

0h, Stephen, you thought too much of yourself.

-I did tell you. Didn't I tell you?

-How much too much?

What did the panel think your win was worth? Let's have a look.

AUDIENCE GROANS

You were £154 over.

Dear, oh, dear. Let's see how it breaks down on the panel.

Let's see what they awarded you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I knew it was him!

Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Patrick Kielty!

-£8.

-I've never seen a Smurf angry.

LAUGHTER

You are a lovely man, you are a lovely man, and you got eight right.

I thought to deserved £1 for every one you got right. I really did.

But we can't encourage you.

LAUGHTER

We really shouldn't, I don't think.

-Ann?

-Yes.

Ann, thank you very much.

£740. I think something entirely...

A commensurate award there.

I only gave 200 for the skill itself,

because I thought you had to recognise 450,

and that's about the size of a small secondary school.

And a head would know every pupil.

-In silhouette?!

-Possibly.

So I only gave 200 for the skill, but I gave you 500

for sheer family entertainment.

Then I gave you another £40 so that when you go to the next Smurf convention,

you can buy a round of drinks.

Thank you, panel. Stephen, you brightened up all our lives, you brightened up the show,

but you held out for too long, so I'm afraid you are not taking home any cash.

AUDIENCE: Ah!

No need to turn the air blue on your way home tonight, thank you very much,

because you are an Epic winner and you'll be taking home this beautiful Epic Win trophy.

Very well done indeed.

Ladies and gentlemen, he figured out his figurines - it's the heroic Stephen Parkes!

Once again, it's time to meet someone with such an epic ability

that we couldn't fit it into our studio.

So let's find out who he is and why he needs so much room. Please welcome Jack Moule!

Jack... Jack, welcome. Welcome to Epic Win. This is pretty amazing.

Jack is a 17-year-old freestyle jet-skier from Hertfordshire.

At 14, he became the youngest person to win the National Freestyle Championship.

Since then, he's won another four UK titles. Last year,

he was runner-up in the World Freestyle Championships. That deserves an "ooh".

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Jack, what's freestyle jet-skiing?

Freestyle jet-skiing is, you have two minutes, you go to the judges

and you perform as many tricks as you can, and they award you, depending on the difficulty of your tricks.

-Jet skis are quite expensive, aren't they?

-Yes.

Anything from £500 up to £30,000.

-I'm guessing that was Christmas and birthday present.

-Yes. Both in one.

-Yeah.

We're all raring to go, so, Joe, fill us in on Jack's Epic challenge.

My favourite was the one when you came in down from the roof like a bird.

To Epic Win tonight, Jack Moule has to flip his jet-ski flipping loads.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

We've given Jack 60 seconds in which to complete five barrel rolls

and to finish off with a back-flip.

If he can complete all six manoeuvres in time, he'll be declared an Epic winner.

-If not, he'll have to chug his way home through the Fail door.

-AUDIENCE: Aw...

Has Jack got what it takes to make an Epic splash?

Here we go. That's a look of real determination.

That's his first barrel roll. Safely landed.

Coming back round for number two.

It takes real endurance. And he nails it!

That's three.

30 seconds gone.

Back round again.

That's his 4th barrel roll.

One more and a back-flip to win this.

Bang, that's his last barrel roll.

He looks every bit a champion. Now for the back-flip.

Powers up again. Up and over, fantastic.

-Very well done. Did you think you had done it?

-No.

-You really didn't?

-I thought I was really close.

-You had eight seconds in hand.

That's fantastic. Congratulations.

That's an Epic Win. Very well done indeed. Amazing.

Just to start that kind of momentum is extraordinary.

Ann, what did you make of that?

I thought that was incredible, but it looked like a washing machine.

You must get the perspective of the clothes.

It feels like that, definitely, when you're going.

You get disorientated and dizzy, but it's good fun out there.

Stephen, does that leave you dazzled or dizzy?

-Both, it left me quite breathless. Was it tiring?

-Yeah.

-And you've strong arms?

-I've never done that combo of tricks before. That was the first time.

-You've never done it before?

-I've never done five barrels and one back-flip in 60 seconds.

Wow, I've done a few barrels and a back-flip, but that was beer.

Jack, you're definitely an Epic winner and you're taking home the FA Cup of Games Show Awards,

the Epic Win trophy. Yeah!

That's all yours. It's now time to have your skill valued. Come and join me in the Epic Centre.

There we are.

OK, panel. So, again, each of you has up to £1,000. Here's the question.

What would you give a man who can out-flip Flipper? Decide now.

LAUGHTER

Yep, they're all locked in. OK, so, Jack, it's the same deal.

The panel's total could be anything from £3 to £3,000.

All you have to do is hit that button before you go over their combined total.

-If you do that, it'll be an...

-Epic Win!

..and you take home the value of cash you stopped on.

But, try and take even £1 more than they have given you, and, Joe, he will home go with....

-Zero pounds...

-That's right.

-Not a bean. Are you ready?

-I'm ready.

-OK, Joe,

once again, let's turn powers into pounds. OK.

£38.

AUDIENCE: More! More!

I'd say that's pretty unanimous. You're going to hear, "More! More!" "More", says Jack.

£413.

AUDIENCE: More! More!

-I think more.

-They want me to go more?

-They want you to go more.

£1,388!

AUDIENCE: More! More!

-Are you going to go with that? £1,388.

-Not going to be greedy.

Not being greedy? Very good. good to be modest.

The audience, all of them, were saying you should've gone higher.

OK, so is it time to splash out? Or has your luck dried up?

Let's find out. £1,388 is where you stopped.

Epic Win!

Well done, Jack Boule. You stopped the money in time.

That means you're taking home £1,388.

-Many, many congratulations.

-Thank you.

-What we all want to know

is were you on target, or could you held out for more? Let's see what the panel's total was.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-You could have had another £1,014.

-I'm happy with that. I'll not be greedy.

-Good for you.

Very well done indeed.

Let's find out what the panel gave you.

Let's see how that breaks down.

Look at that!

So, Stephen K, we start on you. £600.

I think you're very talented and you're 17 years old,

but at 17, you know, I was trying to practise the robot in front of the mirror.

I didn't have any skills like you. You've got everything going for you -

you're athletic, good looking, your mates will go and pick up their girlfriends on a bicycle,

and you go, "Oh, put your bikini on, get on the back of that." So, I'm jealous.

What I did was, I give you £100 for every flip that you did.

Thank you.

OK, then we come to you, Ann. £810.

Yes, well, I gave you 700 for the skill.

That's probably 300 less than I should have given you for the skill,

but I want you to feel that there's room for improvement.

Very good.

I awarded you £100 for danger money,

-and £10 for some hairspray, because after all that, you'll certainly need it.

-Cheers.

And Patrick Kielty?

He's only given you £8 less than the full whack.

What I did was, I wanted to give you £1,000.

but I had to take the £8 off that I gave the Smurf.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, Jack, being an Epic spinner makes you an Epic winner

and you're leaving us with £1,388 and the Epic Win trophy.

Ladies and gentlemen, he blew it out of the water, it's our H2O hero, Jack Moule! Very well done, Jack.

There's been a whole heap of epic on the show tonight

but there's room on top of the pile for just one final contender.

Does hero status await? Let's meet them and find out.

My name's Anthony Salmons. I'm 25. I live in Lowestoft and I love crisps.

I discovered I was a big fan of crisps about the age of 10 and 11,

where you kind of went from childhood, loving of sweet things, to loving the savoury things.

Cheese and onion, salt and vinegar, fish and chips, Cajun chicken, cheesy snacks, onion rings,

prawn cocktail, smoky bacon, steak and onion, pickled onion, cheesy puffs, cheese and pickle,

cheese and tomato - I love them all!

A few years ago, I landed my dream job in a crisp factory.

The perks of getting free crisps just made it stand out for me and I had to go for it.

I keep my house fully stocked up so that there's always crisps around.

Quite simply, I love crisps more than anybody else.

He loves a crisp, but will he cope when the chips are down?

Please welcome Anthony Salmons.

So, Anthony, you've loved crisps since the age of 11, and you're an accountant in a crisp factory,

-and you turned down two other jobs to get there.

-Yes, I did.

-Crumbs! Made that up myself!

So, Anthony, a crisp accountant...

Does that make you a number-cruncher(?)

It goes on relentlessly, doesn't it?

I noticed in your fridge, all those crisps, still some milk?

-Yeah. Got to pour them over...

-Over the crisps?

-Exactly.

Of course you have. Listen, I've got a very good feeling about this.

Joe, what will Anthony be trying for Epic Win tonight for his challenge?

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Anthony Salmons has to identify crisps

just by sniffing people's breath.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

We'll meet the panel, the people who are going to be judging your challenge.

What's the longest you've ever been without a crisp?

I'd say probably less than three or four hours...

Aside from when you're sleeping, less than three or four hours.

-Do you dream about crisps?

-Yeah.

Anthony, I think most people can't quite believe this is going to happen,

but just to prove them wrong, let's head over to the arch of starch.

Look at this!

Now, we've borrowed 15 people and asked them to munch a packet of crisps each.

They'll breathe into Anthony's face, and he's got to name the crisps using only his sense of smell.

If he gets eight of them right, it'll be an Epic Win and he'll play for the money. Any less,

we'll throw him through the Fail door. OK, Anthony, it's time to face the wall of breath. So blindfold on.

-Are you feeling confident?

-Um, yeah, so-so.

-OK.

Now, breathers, get munching.

-I wish you could see this.

-So do I.

OK, you are allowed as many passes as you like, although in this case, we're calling them Skips.

OK, and if you're thinking of trying this at home, obviously don't.

It's not dangerous, it's just revolting. Right. OK, everybody ready? Will you step up here?

It's a bit like I'm presiding over some very strange civil ceremony.

OK...

APPLAUSE

OK, eight flavours, one minute, and your time starts... three, two, one, now!

KLAXON

Walkers, cheese and onion.

-Absolutely right. Next breather.

-Rrr-rrgh!

AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

And again.

Nice 'n' Spicy Nik Naks.

Oh, no, bad luck. Incorrect. Next one.

Bacon Frazzles, that was.

-Skips.

-Yes, you're right. Next one.

Chilli Heatwave or... Chilli Heatwave Doritos.

No! Tangy Cheese Doritos. Next one.

AUDIENCE: Ew!

-Those are Beef Hula Hoops.

-No!

Flame-grilled Steak McCoy's. Next.

And again.

Skips.

Incorrect. Roast Beef Monster Munch.

Quavers.

Absolutely right. Next one.

And again.

Pass.

Pass? OK. Next one.

-Marmite Crisps.

-Absolutely right.

-Next one.

-KLAXON

-That was a shame. You exhausted?

-I was beaten to the crunch.

-Yeah, well, you look FRAZZLED.

LAUGHTER

-Let's go and talk to the panel. You got four.

-Oh, OK.

-Ann, would you like to have a crack at that?

-I would not,

and indeed, I couldn't watch it.

I really couldn't watch it.

I don't say I'm glad that you only got four,

because obviously I'm not but... Oh, I'm glad it's over.

One breather, I think breather number two, had a proper...rasp. Made a noise like a flamethrower.

At one point, there was a scary man,

who I thought was going to lob a greenie in your mouth.

-He wasn't a nice man. But you would've got the flavour.

-Yeah, I would have.

Ohhh! Anthony, I'm afraid that could have gone either way,

and, I'm sorry to say, that was an Epic Fail.

-So you won't be playing for money.

-AUDIENCE: Aw...

-I know.

However, the good news is, you don't leave empty-handed.

-You get one of these absolutely priceless Epic Fail stickers.

-Yes!

There you are. Look at that.

You won't find one of those in a packet of Monster Munch.

Right, OK, while that is not to be sniffed at, you are still leaving us through the Fail door.

Ladies and gentlemen, he's good with the spud,

but Anthony Salmons, you've had your chips.

# All I need is the air that I breathe and to love you

# All I need is the air that I breathe... #

You've spoiled your dinner!

So there we have it. That's all the public peculiarity we have time for.

Thanks to our panel - Stephen K Amos, Ann Widdecombe and Patrick Kielty.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And thanks to Joe.

CHEERING

We nearly had a clean sweep of wins, but when it came to the crunch,

the sweet smell of success was replaced by the pungent whiff of unlucky fail,

with just a hint of prawn cocktail thrown in.

The biggest thank you goes to our heroes, who return to their real but no less epic lives.

-Join us next time for more startlingly senseless exploits on...

-Epic Win!

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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