Episode 1 Episodes

This programme contains some strong language.

GUNSHOT

What are you doing?

Bev, what are you doing?

-Stop.

-No.

-Please.

No! I'm going home. You stay. You're obviously flourishing here.

Is this because I went surfing today?

OK, obviously it's not cos I went surfing.

Bev, come on, talk to me.

Bev. Bev!

-Look, I realize LA hasn't exactly been your favourite...

-This isn't...about...LA.

-RECORDED FEMALE

-VOICE: 'Front door ajar.'

Wait! Is it about the show? It's one more day of shooting. A week in Post.

Move.

'Front door ajar.'

One week. Then the work'll be done and we can leave together with our heads held high.

Heads held high?! Have you not seen our heads?

It's all we can do to not kick them when we walk!

-All right, look, we've made some compromises...

-This isn't about the fucking show.

-'Front door ajar.'

-Well, then what is it about?

-'Front door ajar.'

-Does this bitch ever shut up?!

You know what this is about!

What?

Morning?

Oh, my god, look I'm telling you, I have no interest in her at all.

I saw you wanking to her the other night!

What... I...

-No... I-I-I... How did...

-"What? How did? Who did?"

HE STUTTERS

'Front door ajar.'

All right, there may have been a little wanking!

But there is nothing between us!

-I just saw you with her!

-What?!

I saw you with her just now!

I saw you hugging her in front of our house!

She wasn't here to... She... There was... She wanted... Ernesto!

ERNESTO!

-What?!

-Please turn that off!

I'm sorry, did you want me?

-I wanted you to turn off the leaf blower!

-I did.

Yeah, now. But before...

Hey, Bev. No, Bev, wait!

Bev! Stop! You're on the wrong side!

No, Sean, you're on the wrong side!

That's not what I meant!

-RECORDED FEMALE VOICE:

-'Automated Dialling.'

-Call Bob.

-'Command.'

Call Bob!

'Dialling...

-'Mom.'

-No, not Mom - Bob!

NUMBER DIALS

Cancel.

PHONE RINGS Cancel! Stop!

'Hello?'

Hey, Ma, it's Matt.

Nothing, just calling to say hi.

TYRES SCREECH

And the BAFTA award goes to...

Sean and Beverly Lincoln, for Lyman's Boys.

APPLAUSE

There you are!

Oh, you bloody bastards - you've done it again.

And again.

Stop doing it!

-We're so sorry.

-We promise, never again.

Yeah, you fuckers, that's what you said last year.

No, no, honestly, I'm really pleased for you.

-That's sweet.

-Thank you.

Oh, he's so not pleased.

No, he's not.

-Well, I'm happy for us.

-I'm just happy.

-How soon can we leave?

-Don't know.

Have we made enough people feel bad about themselves?

-Oh, my god!

-What? Who's that?

-It's Merc Lapidus.

-Who?

-Merc Lapidus.

-Repeating it doesn't help me!

-From America. He's president of...

Winners!

Forgive me, don't wanna interrupt. Merc Lapidus. I'm the president...

-Please, we know who you are.

-Hi, Sean and Beverly...

Ahh!

And you! With the funny speech!

Oh, that's not necesse... Oh, all right.

You know what my fantasy is?

I'm going to guess - either shoes or nuns.

My fantasy is I wake up tomorrow and I've got your show on my network.

Well, that's very flattering.

No, no, I'm not just blowing smoke here. I...love...your...show.

I LOVE it. Seriously,

I want to have sex with your show.

I'm telling you, an American version would be huge.

It could be like The Office meets...

-Our show?

-Yes!

But... But, we'd have to do it right.

No farming this one out to some shitty American writers.

I want what's in these amazing, British-y heads.

What, us come to LA?

-That's interesting.

-Is it?

Uh-oh, she's giving you the "wife" look.

Whoa, now she's giving me the "wife" look! Oh, hello!

Have you guys tried these?

What are these little berries? They're genius. They're like...

-Magic berries.

-They're actually loganberries.

-IN ENGLISH ACCENT:

-Loganberries! Now I want to have sex with your show and these berries.

When I was a little girl, my grandmother lived in Yorkshire and had loganberries in her garden.

Every summer we'd pick the berries and she'd make jam.

Fuck.

My grandmother lives in Morristown, New Jersey, and hates black people.

So what do you say? Come play with us!

I need Lyman's Boys. We've got four places on my schedule I could put it right now.

This is very flattering, and we've all had a bit to drink...

No, not me, not in seven years. I'm an alcoholic.

But evidently not anonymous.

Come on! We'll get you a house, a car - name it!

How hard could it be?

You've already written the scripts, they're PERFECT the way it is.

You work 20 minutes a day, the rest of the time you can screw in the pool.

Ooh, you hear that? We'd get a pool!

All right look, if you don't want to do it, it's fine.

Hey, maybe you don't like money.

But I had to ask. When I had cancer...

That's right...

I realized two things.

If you want something, go for it.

God doesn't wait for you.

And also...

you do not want cancer.

You're already there, aren't you?

-No!

-Yes, you are. You're having brunch with Angelina Jolie.

My God, you're already starting to tan.

-Aren't you?

-No.

Thank you, goodnight.

Ooh!

Jesus.

Come taste our berries. Your biggest fan, Merc Lapidus.

How did he do this? We left him less than an hour ago.

I can't believe he even remembered that stupid loganberry story.

I can't believe he knows where we live.

You really want to move to LA?

You're always taking the piss out of it.

Only because it's never wanted me. I'm very petty that way.

But why do it? Our lives are here, our friends are here.

Who would you miss?

We need better friends.

All I'm saying is, if we do this and we're a hit...

A hit show in the States, a big stonking hit...

It's like winning the lottery. We'd never have to work again.

-What would we do instead?

-All right, we need friends and we need hobbies.

I don't know. LA? It's just so...

-LA.

-Oh, come on. It's an adventure!

I'd have to drive.

There's that pioneer spirit!

You really want this?

I think I do.

Hooray!

Wait, wait, wait. I get to do the bra too.

SHE LAUGHS

You're still 14, aren't you?

I WISH I got to do this at 14.

Wait, did you weld this?

Now, you have to admit...

It is fairly glorious.

Feel that sunshine!

-Of course...

-Don't say skin cancer!

Just glorious.

-# Oh, say can you see... #

-No, no, don't, don't.

Oh, my! Fancy!

Welcome home, darling.

Hello. We're the new people moving in to...

-1675 Bel Vista Drive.

-Sean and Beverly Lincoln.

-No.

-No? Well, we should be there.

-Are they expecting you?

-No, there's no-one expecting us.

It's a house we're renting. Well, it's been rented for us.

-Oh, wait, there's the housekeeper, she might be there.

-Yes.

One moment.

-(This is fun.)

-I have, er...

Sean and Beverly Lincoln.

Sean and Beverly Lincoln here.

She says they're not home right now.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-Of course they're not home,

because they're us and we're stuck here with you!

Ma'am, there's no need to raise your voice.

Oh, really? Get in the car, I'll be you, and we'll see if that's true.

Look, erm... Wallace...

I'm sure, once we've moved in, the three of us will have a really good laugh about this.

But right now we've been travelling for 14 hours and we'd really love to get into the house.

Isn't there any way you could let us do that?

Not if you're not on the list. How do I know who you are?

Oh, has it not come up? We're Sean and Beverly Lincoln!

-Really not helping.

-Really don't care!

I'm sure we're on the list. May I see it?

-No-one sees the list.

-No-one sees the list!?

We have very high calibre celebrities living here. We have to protect their privacy.

Oh, for god's sake. Wallace. I appreciate the seriousness with which you do your job. I do.

But, I just want to find our names.

Now, I promise you, I won't reveal any information

about your precious gated community

or the secret identities of the gated citizens.

Now, give me the list.

-Oooh, Renee Zellweger lives here.

-Does she?!

-Yeah!

This is just for the two of us?

Apparently so.

Our show's not this good.

'Front door ajar.'

'Front door ajar.'

She's fun.

'Front door ajar.'

Bloody hell.

It's even bigger inside.

And you were afraid we weren't going to have enough staircases.

This is mad.

Waaay, oh, ha-ha-ha. Look at this.

It's very Hollywood.

Yeah, and construction-wise a little disturbing.

Oh...my...god. I am never leaving this room.

Yeah, I like a bath you can dock a barge in.

Big enough for two.

-What, now?

-Well, I'm feeling a bit dirty.

-You?

-Filthy.

So...you want to dock that barge?

Oh, always a lady.

Let's do this.

-Well, maybe some other time.

-Yeah.

Oh, and don't forget to get your parking validated before you leave.

Merc really wanted to be here, but he had to be in New York.

Sean and Beverly, this is Andy Button, our head of Casting.

Huge fan. Oh, my god. I've just been watching tapes of your show.

Beyond hysterical. Beyond.

And Myra Licht, head of comedy.

It's really funny.

There you go. Sit, sit, sit.

So, are you settling in?

-Some house, huh?

-It's insane. The only thing it's missing is a moat.

-Oh, well, get a big rating, Merc'll dig you a moat.

-She's not kidding!

So do all your writers get houses like that?

Oh, no! No, no, no.

We just finished shooting a reality show there

and we had six weeks left on the lease, and we needed a place for you guys, so...

If you get bored, you can vote each other off!

Ah well, that would explain the columns.

Several of them are made of polystyrene.

They're probably left over from some set.

They use that house for a lot of reality shows. They shot a season of The Bachelor there.

And I think The Apprentice LA.

We just had 12 girls living there competing to become a supermodel.

Right. The bathroom did have a vague vomit-y smell.

That would be why!

So. Lyman's Boys.

Let's talk about casting.

Well, we already have Julian committed to recreate the role of Lyman.

-So that's half the battle right there.

-We love Julian.

-Comic god.

-He's hilarious.

We just need to find a time when he can fly over and audition for Merc.

Audition?

No-one gets cast in anything without Merc seeing them first.

But that's mad. Merc loves the show. Julian is the show.

Why should he have to audition?

Yeah. Um...

There is a chance Merc may not have actually seen your show.

-What?

-What?

I'm not saying he hasn't seen it.

-Has he seen it?

-No.

Hang on. He told us he loved it. He said he wanted to have sex with it.

THEY LAUGH

Well, if I had a nickel

for everything Merc would have sex with, sight-unseen...

-She'd have a lot of nickels.

-I'd be rich!

Then what about it did he love?

Uh, hello. It's a hit?

It wins awards? It ran for four years?

(Unbelievable.)

WE have all seen it.

And we do LOVE it.

-Major love.

-Mm-hmm.

Merc's never seen the show?

I can't...

I mean, that's...

-Help me.

-You're articulating it perfectly.

Which is why he really needs to see Julian read.

But we've already offered him the part.

He gave up a play in the West End to do this.

I hear you. I do.

And I am sure Merc'll just flip over him. I mean, my god, it's Julian...

-Bullard.

-Bullard.

Can't Merc just watch some tapes of the show?

It's better if we do it in person.

He's not a big TV watcher.

And if we say no?

You don't want to say no to Merc.

Mmm.

You really want him on your team.

I thought he WAS on our team.

Totally!

But if he likes Julian - and yeah, he will -

you're pretty much guaranteed you're on the air.

-He already guaranteed we were on the air.

-Absolutely!

SHE CHUCKLES

But, you know, nothing's in stone.

-Actually, Merc said this was in stone.

-And it is! But, you know.

Clearly, we don't know.

It's in stone.

But...stone.

There's things stronger than stone.

Like what?

-Like Merc.

-Yeah, Merc.

-Merc is stronger than stone.

-It's outrageous!

-No, I know!

-He has to audition?! The man has played the part for four years!

-It's insane! What are you eating?

Nuts from the plane. They're awful. Do you want some?

Sure.

Hello, Wallace.

And you're here to see...?

Mm...hm.

Oh, I remember this scene. It's rather good.

Julian, thank you again for doing this.

We're horrified you even need to go through it.

Oh, Peaches, don't give it a second thought.

I understand. I'm not new.

The king won't let us play until he shows everybody how big his dick is.

Though you'd think they'd have wives and boyfriends for that, but no!

Merc's here. We can start.

'Ello, guv'nah!

Come here.

Oh... So it's every time.

-So, shall I bring in Julian?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone, may I introduce Julian Bullard.

-Welcome, Julian, thanks for coming in.

-Not at all.

You know the last time I had to audition was '87.

It was to do Private Lives with Dame Judi at the National. So this is a bit of a treat.

-Well, we all appreciate it.

-And, and with whom will I be reading?

Me. Career highlight!

For those who haven't seen this episode, in this scene,

Julian has to tell one of the boys he's been asked to leave St Abban's.

-Oh, this is a good one.

-Wow.

(Whenever you're ready.)

Robbie.

I'm afraid your time at St Abban's has come to an end.

-What? Why?

-Well,

the teachers and I think you would do better at a school with a less academically demanding curriculum.

MURMUR OF CHUCKLING

-Why?

-We feel that you need a more...

intellectually diminished environment.

CHUCKLING

I don't understand.

Urgh... Er... How to put this...

You're not bright.

LAUGHTER

-I'm bright.

-No.

-I'm not stupid.

You are not not stupid.

LAUGHTER

-Too many "nots"?

-Maybe I'm just not working up to my full potential.

No, this is you firing on all cylinders.

LAUGHTER

But all is not bleak.

For, you young man, have something far more important than intelligence.

You are...attractive.

LAUGHTER

There isn't a Nobel laureate that wouldn't happily give 20 IQ points

for those chiselled cheekbones and that pert little bum.

LAUGHTER

Plus...your family is rich.

LAUGHTER

My god, you could be running this whole country one day!

And I assure you, intelligence would only get in your way.

LAUGHTER

Julian, could you just give us a minute?

Certainly.

Oh, wow.

That was a treat.

I gotta tell ya, he's the real deal, huh?

Yes, he is.

So we're all set?

Ahh... Mmm...

-Yes?

-Well...

Is it me, or does, does anybody else...

feel like he comes off a bit too English?

Yeah, yeah, a little, a bit, yeah.

Hmm. Too English.

Possibly it's because...

he's English?

-CHUCKLING

-Yeah!

No, no, no, he just, he sounds a little too...um...

butler-y.

I mean, if we're doing an American version of the show...

Yes, but he's playing the headmaster of an elite boarding school.

The boys will be American, the other teachers. Why can't he be British?

Oh, no, I hear you.

We need the audience to like him.

MURMURS OF AGREEMENT

He has got to be likeable.

I can't believe we're actually asking you this.

Truly, I'm having an out of body experience. I may be sick.

Julian. We'd understand completely if you said no.

But could you possibly do the scene again in an American accent?

-No problem.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Oh, dear ones, I was doing Eugene O'Neill

and Tennessee Williams before you were born.

-How old ARE you?

-Piss off.

You all remember Julian Bullard.

Hi. Welcome back, Mr Bullard.

Shall we do this?

Um...

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Robbie. I'm afraid your time at St Abban's has come to an end.

-What? Why?

-Well,

the teachers and I think you would do better at a school with a less academically demanding curriculum.

-MILD CHUCKLING

-Why?

Well, we feel you need a more intellectually...

diminished environment.

-I don't understand.

-How to put this...

You're not bright.

-I'm bright.

-No.

I'm not stupid.

You're not not stupid.

I'm sorry, could I just go back a little bit on that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

So, err, err, erm... Well, how to put this...

You're not bright.

You...

You're not bright, erm...

You're not bright.

You're stupid.

I'm sorry, could I just try one more thing?

Yes, absolutely, anything, no problem.

Southern maybe?

Um...

Oh... Um...

Er, you're not bright.

-I'm bright.

-No.

-I'm not stupid.

You're not not stupid.

That too many "nots" there...pardner?

I suppose that would be if I was the headmaster of a cowboy school.

All right, I believe we have seen enough.

I know the way out.

I have been here before.

Thank me very much for coming in today.

And let's hope to heaven there's a bar in the hotel.

Is it me, or was he just not funny?

What just happened?

I don't know. And in case you're wondering, I'll be wanting at least that much.

Bloody pillar.

All right. All right.

Let's look on the positive side.

-Positive side?

-Well...

-No!

Just once, please, do not try and find a positive side,

because even if you can, which I very much doubt,

my negative is so much, much bigger than your positive,

my negative openly mocks your positive.

My negative slaps your positive around, my negative

grabs your positive, bends it over the sofa and buggers it from behind!

My positive did not enjoy that.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Hi, Carol. (It's Carol.)

Put her on that speaker thing.

'Hi, kids!'

Tough day.

'Yes. Yes, it was.'

We all feel terrible.

Merc is sending you a basket of loganberries.

Aw, lovely.

So how are you two doing?

Well, we're not feeling positive, I can tell you that.

'I'm sure.'

Anyway. We should all try and look forward.

We still LOVE Lyman's Boys.

We do!

We just find it hard to imagine doing it without Julian.

'I understand. But,'

before we go there, we wanted to share an idea with you.

It's a different way to go, so keep your minds open.

'We just found out that there's an actor available.'

Huge star, hysterically funny,

'the audience just loves him,

'and he's ready to come back to TV.

'Merc thinks that he would be perfect for this.'

Really? Who?

Matt LeBlanc.

What you want me for the old fat guy's part? Thanks(!)

-We don't want you.

-Again...thanks(!)

-They loved you.

-Well, I don't know that I love them.

Don't let them force you to cast anyone you don't want.

-I'm totally wrong for it, aren't I?

-Spectacularly wrong.

We got Matt LeBlanc!

What?!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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