Episode 2 Episodes

This programme contains very strong language.

I... love...

your... show. I love it. Seriously.

I want to have sex with your show. You know what my fantasy is?

I wake up tomorrow and I've got your show on my network.

-What, us come to LA?

-How hard could it be?

You have already written the scripts, they're perfect the way it is.

I mean you work 20 minutes a day, the rest of the time, you can screw in the pool.

Ooh, you hear that? We'd get a pool!

-Let's talk about casting.

-Well, we already have Julian committed to recreate the role of Lyman.

So that's half the battle right there.

Merc loves the show, Julian is the show.

There's a chance Merc may not have actually seen your show.

-What!?

-I'm not saying that he's not seen it.

-Has he seen it?

-No.

We just found out that there's an actor available. Huge star.

And he's ready to come back to TV.

Really? Who?

Matt LeBlanc.

Matt LeBlanc?

Ha, ha, ha, Right.

Matt LeBlanc.

To play Lyman.

I said it's a different way to go.

For the erudite, verbally dexterous

headmaster of an elite boys' academy,

you're suggesting...

Joey?

Look, he's probably wrong for it.

-Probably?!

-He is very funny.

-He really is.

-I even liked him in that monkey movie.

-What monkey movie?

Please, just take the meeting.

As a courtesy. For Merc.

He really wants to get Matt over here to the network, and so far,

this is the only project he's interested in doing.

Matt LeBlanc wants to do our show?

Are you kidding? Dying to.

He saw it when he was in England shooting a movie...

-Huge fan.

-Really?

-So what?

-So... Can I tell Merc you'll take the meeting?

It's one lunch. You know, as a courtesy?

Yeah, fine, fine, we'll take the meeting.

Awesome.

Also, Merc wanted me to pass on a little invitation.

He's having a dinner party at his house on Saturday night and he'd love you guys to come.

As a courtesy?

It's a very big deal.

I've never been to his house.

I've driven past it.

Please tell Merc we'd love to come.

We can't wait.

Aw, kisses to you, too.

-You're kidding.

-What?

-What?!

She almost tripped over your tongue. You really like that?

-Yes.

-They're so obviously fake.

-Yes.

-That doesn't bother you?

She's not hurting anybody.

Er, I think it's under Lincoln.

They're asking if we have the financing?

Screw that. Tell them we're looking at another location, and if we're

not closed by the end of today, the whole thing is off the table.

Bye. ..Sorry.

Trying to buy a restaurant.

-I'm Beverly, this is Sean.

-Hey.

So.

I'm here why?

Uh, well, to talk about our show?

-What show?

-Brilliant(!)

Did you recently shoot a movie in England?

No.

So you're not a "huge fan"?

-Of England? Eh.

-No, no, of us.

Oh, you?

-No.

-Er... well, this isn't at all awkward(!)

Let me ask you something. Would you go to a restaurant where you roll your own sushi?

-Absolutely not.

-See, that's what I'm afraid of.

PHONE VIBRATES One sec.

You won't believe this. Now they're trying to add an extra charge for the kitchen equipment.

Well, they can go... fuck...

them... selves...

This is so cool. I just type in "f...u" and it knows I mean "fuck".

Ah, science, the gifts you've given us.

So you guys have some sort of show?

Yes. It's a comedy. It's been on in the UK for four years.

That explains the accents.

-Go on...

-Do you want to finish that before we...

No, I'm with you. You're English, you have some sort of show...

Uh, well yeah. It's about a headmaster of an elite prep school

and his relationship with the students and the various teachers.

-So it's History Boys.

-What?

-History Boys.

-You've seen History Boys?

-The Alan Bennett play. Yeah.

-Our show is nothing like History Boys.

Theirs was set in a grammar school, ours takes place at a boarding school.

Theirs was about a history teacher, ours is about a headmaster, and several other teachers.

OK, OK, so it's History Boys meets... you saying it's not History Boys.

It's not History Boys!

All right. I take it back.

It's not History Boys.

-What's it called?

-Lyman's Boys.

-Aaah.

-We had the name first!

And so, what, you want me for the old, fat guy's part? Thanks.

-We don't want you.

-Again, thanks.

Now, what she means is, er, er, the network suggested you. It never would have occurred to us.

Well, it's just such a different way to go. But we are

-huge admirers of your...

-PHONE RINGS

Yo...

No, that was supposed to say "fuck".

Why would I say "go fun yourself"?

No... No...

No...

No, no, no, no... No...

No... No...

N-O...

No...

Noo-oo...

No.

PHONE RINGS

Yo.

-They loved you!

-Who?

The British people.

-They loved me?

-Carol Rance just called from the network.

She said they loved you and they want you.

Huh.

It's good. It's very good.

-I don't know.

-What?

Don't know that I loved them.

Well, maybe you can learn to love them.

Merc Lapidus really wants this to happen.

They've got a money truck ready to drive up to your house.

-How big a truck?

-It's a big truck. Lotsa wheels.

We talking, like, new restaurant money?

We're talking chain of restaurants money.

Nice truck.

But have you heard the part?

This fat, old headmaster of some private school?

So they'll change the part. They'll make it something else.

Whatever you want.

Come on, it's the Matt LeBlanc show.

Tell me more about the money truck.

It's a truck and it's full of money.

-Right up to the house?

-You won't even have to go to the mailbox.

-Wallace, you know us. We go through this every day.

-How can you not remember?

We waved to you when we left this morning.

Everybody waves.

-Name?

-Lincoln.

-Lincoln?

Lincoln. With an "L".

Like the car? The tunnel in New York? Your dead president?

I'll check.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-We got Matt LeBlanc!

-Yay!

-What?

-Can you believe it?

-No! You, you, you said it was a courtesy!

-It was!

-But he said yes!

-Yay! Woo hoo!

Not his courtesy! Our courtesy!

Either way, we're over the moon here. And the best part?

Merc's excited about the show again!

When did he stop being excited about the show?

Never!

Thank you.

Bloody hell. That's a Rothko.

He has a Rothko in his house.

Do you realise what that's worth?

Some of these women are so thin.

No, darling, tell me, what is a Rothko worth?

No, seriously.

Look at that one. My arm weighs more than she does.

-Don't look at my arms.

-Ooh, top o' the evenin' to ya, blokes!

Hello.

-Thank you so much for having us.

-Your home is beautiful.

The art... Amazing.

That's all Jamie. I just pay for it.

Hey, have you guys met my wife yet?

Excuse us...

This is Jamie. Honey, these are those English writers, Sean and Beverly...

-Lincoln.

-Ha.. I know.

So nice to meet you.

Welcome to LA. So you ready to go back to England yet?

-Hardly!

-In a heartbeat!

Well, if there's anything you need, please, call me.

And not like an LA call me. I mean it.

Make sure this one gives you my number.

Oh, thank you. That's so sweet.

Arthur and Madeline just got here.

Oh, would you excuse me for a moment?

-She's lovely.

-She's the best.

And blind.

-Uh, yes.

-Two years now.

-Really?

-We're in Hawaii, she eats some kind of bad fish.

Boom, has a toxic reaction, goes into a coma for two weeks.

When she comes out of it, blind.

-Oh, my God.

-That's horrifying.

Yeah. That wasn't a good vacation. Plus it rained practically every day.

Well, Kauai. That's why it's so lush.

Yes, well, for someone who's only been sightless for a short time, she seems amazingly capable.

She's worked so hard. She's my hero.

I mean, she falls down... a lot.

For some reason she's not doing it tonight.

But you should see her shins. Bruises... Eesh.

Whenever I offer to help her, she's like, "No, I have to do it myself."

And I'm like, "But it'll take so much longer that way."

But she's got to do it.

Takes us forever to get out of the house.

Well, on the other hand, she shops less.

Look at that view.

Ooh.

Hi, kids.

-Hey. Hi, Carol.

-So? Having fun?

Absolutely.

-Ooh, those look good.

-We have a Kobe beef on toasted brioche

topped with crispy potato and a horseradish creme fraiche.

Mmm, not saying no to that.

Ooh, you know what, I'm fine.

Oh, come on.

At a certain point I say screw it, I'm never going to look like them.

I mean, I don't want to look like them, life's too short.

Thank you. Mmmm. Mmm!

Mm.

Yum. Mm.

-So, have you guys said hi to Matt yet?

-Oh, Christ. He's here?

Yeah, out in the garden. You should go say hello.

-Why?

-Uh, maybe because he's the star of our show?

-What?

-When you say it, it makes it real.

Oh, c'mon, he's going to be great. Now get out there and make nice.

Come on. You got to do it. No-one's here to have fun.

-Oh, God!

-Be nice.

-You speak first then.

-OK.

Excuse me. Hey, it's you guys!

Hello, sir.

-Hi!... Know what I've been doing the last two days?

-Texting?

Watching tapes of your show.

It's fantastic!

-Really?

-Like you don't know.

Oh, my God. So funny. And smart.

Jesus. I love it!

-You're serious?

-Uh, yuh!

And it's totally not History Boys!

-Thank you!

-I loved the writing, the characters!

-Oh, well...

-And we got to do it like you did it over there, casting real kids not TV kids. That's the key.

-That is the key.

-Oh, and the librarian...

-Nicola.

-Yeah.

Great part.

You guys have anyone in mind yet?

No. The network sent us a list.

People they're "really excited about".

-Like who?

-Well, we didn't know any of them.

A couple of Heathers.

A bunch of Jennifers. Somebody Dushku.

Yeah, well, don't let them force you to cast anyone you don't want.

-All right.

-I mean it.

If they start pushing you around, let me be the bad guy.

-Really?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot harder for them to fuck with me than to fuck with you.

Besides, Merc and I go way back. I've known him since he ran NBC Sports and used to get me Laker Girls.

Wow. Good to know.

Yeah, we got to get someone great for Nicola.

She's got to be strong and smart and classy...

-Right...

-And also beautiful, but like, in a real way.

She can't act, can she?

Wha... that's... I don't...

SHE SNORTS

SHE CHOKES

That's her. Classy.

I believe I have Chardonnay up my nose.

-Dinner is being served.

-Oh, thank God.

Well, who saw that coming?

He's actually charming. How did that happen?

It's like a magic trick. Does he seem taller than the other day?

Yes! And smarter.

-I'd no idea he was so smart.

-He's still wrong for the part.

Oh, he's totally wrong. But he has such nice hair.

I brought an extra suitcase filled with nothing but toys.

But when we got to the orphanage and opened it, the children just sat there, uncertain.

One of the nuns told us that some of these children

had never actually seen a toy, much less had one of their own.

It just makes you appreciate so much.

One of the things I brought was a doll that I'd given my niece for Christmas.

You know, she'd played with it once and then gotten bored with it.

Well, I handed it to this little girl

and she clutched it to her chest

and told one of the nuns it was the best day of her life.

And that was Togo, I mean, then we were on to Zambia, the children there... oh.

You guys have kids?

-No. Do you?

-Two boys.

-Oh.

I didn't realise you were married.

-Ha-ha. Not any more.

-He said vehemently.

It was not one of the good ones.

-No?

-Noo-oo.

We never should have done it.

We were totally wrong for each other. Like...

Oil and water?

More like oil and something that sleeps with oil's best friend.

Oh, my God!

I don't understand how women do that - with two children...

Oh, no, no, no, it was me, I slept with her best friend.

I was not a good husband.

Apparently not.

But I am a very good dad.

That's Aiden, and the little one's Michael.

Aww, they're gorgeous.

They seem very sweet.

They can drive you crazy.

Don't ever ask them what a dinosaur sounds like.

Especially if you're in a car.

But yeah, they're pretty amazing.

They're the best thing I've ever done in my life.

Anyway...

-It's a Marc Wilson.

-No, I know.

But an early one. Before he decided the only colour was brown.

Amazing collection, huh?

Oh, brilliant.

You should see, in the master bedroom, there's a Nevelson that...

It should be in a museum.

Really?

-Are we allowed up there?

-Probably not.

Um...

would you mind not mentioning to anyone that I've been in the master bedroom?

All right.

-Oh!

-I just wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong impression.

-Absolutely.

"She's sleeping with her boss". Wouldn't want to be that girl.

Noo-oo.

Especially since his wife is blind.

Right.

-Because that would make me...

-A monster.

-Yes!

Rarr! I don't...

-Even if it started before she went...

-Still not good.

-Right...

Yeah.

And here they're pretending they don't know I'm taking their picture.

But look... they're both giving me the finger.

-I assume their father taught them that.

-Before they could even talk.

I've never actually seen a "fuck you" finger that tiny.

Pretty cute, huh?

That's one of the things I'm looking forward to with our thing. Working with kids.

Talk to me three weeks in. They're like sticky animals with agents.

I got to say, I'm so excited.

-It's an awesome part.

-Thank you.

-I've never played anyone like him.

-I'm sure.

Be honest, did the network force me down your throats?

Sean would tell you no.

Sean would be lying.

I'm totally wrong for it, aren't I?

Spectacularly wrong.

I knew it. I'm so screwed.

-If it helps, we're screwed with you.

-Hey, no-one likes to be screwed alone.

So what do we do?

I'm not sure. It's just, you as the headmaster of a school...

-I know!

-I mean, you're obviously very intelligent.

-Really?

Sean and I were just saying how smart you are.

Wow. There's a conversation that doesn't happen a lot.

But... for this role...

Well, what if I wasn't the headmaster?

What if I was someone else at the school?

-That would change the show considerably.

-Come on.

You got to help me here. I kind of need this to be a hit.

Or at least something they can't make fun of on a talk show.

-Perhaps...

-Good, "perhaps" is good.

-Perhaps, er... you could be...

-I don't know, a history professor, with a passion for military campaigns...

-Or a coach!

-A coach?

-Like a wrestling coach? Throwing the kids around?

Well, er...

That would be a very different kind of show. See there's a level of sophistication...

Hmm, right, OK. What about lacrosse?

That's got your whole sophisticated thing going there, huh? Bam!

-Well, er, let me talk to Sean. See what he thinks.

-Great.

At the end of the day, it's whatever you guys want. It's your show.

-Thank you.

-You kidding? Thank YOU.

Hey, speaking of kids, I just saw this documentary...

I just had an interesting conversation...

Which I agreed not to share. So...

what are you talking about here?

Oh, er, Matt was about to tell me about this documentary...

Oh, yeah. It's about these kids with Tourette's Syndrome.

You got to see it. It's so funny.

-Funny?

-Oh, my God.

-Children with Tourette's.

-I know, I felt guilty laughing.

But I'm telling you. They're interviewing this one little girl, so cute, and all of a sudden,

she's like, "Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!"

And you found that funny?

Well, hey, I said I felt guilty. But come on. Little kids cursing?

-No?

-I need to believe you're joking.

-Uh... No.

-What do you say we find another topic?

-You haven't seen it.

I don't need to see it. Tourette's is a horrible affliction.

It's not just swearing. These people suffer from compulsive facial and vocal tics. And there's no cure.

So I guess you're the funny one.

-Let me ask you a question...

-Carol's having an affair with Merc!

-Who's Carol?

-What if one of your sons had it?

What if your own child was compelled to say these terrible things? Would it be funny then?

It depends on what he was saying.

Did you just laugh?

-No.

-You did. You laughed.

I didn't. I swear.

-Excuse me?

-What?

-What? That thing.

-What thing?

That whippy thing. Are you implying that my husband is whipped?

I don't know. Is he?

Right, this isn't the "other topic" I was looking for.

Now, when you say "whipped", what type of whipped are we talking about exactly?

-You're an infant, you're an infant.

-Just trying to clarify.

Look, are you trying to get me to say the word "pussy"? I can say "pussy".

Pussy pussy pussy pussy!

I want to be in THIS conversation!

-Thank you for coming.

-It was lovely to see you again.

Bye Jamie, thank you.

-Thank you so much for coming.

-Well, you handled that well.

Do you believe him? Whipped! You're not whipped! Are you whipped?

That may not be the tone you want when you're asking that question.

You're not whipped, are you?

No, darling. I'm merely brow-beaten and henpecked.

I just want to get out of here. Hideous, hideous night.

Oh, is someone there?

It's Sean and Beverly.

I'm afraid we have to go.

-But we had a wonderful time.

-Don't worry, it gets easier.

Arrr, ye be goin' now, are we?

And now we're pirates. Very good.

Matt's been telling me about the changes for his character.

-What?

-Wait till you hear.

-Changes?

-Yeah, well he's not going to be a headmaster any more.

-How's that?

-I love that he's a coach.

-A coach?

- A lacrosse coach. - Love it.

-That's much more relatable.

-Hey, hey, it was Beverly's idea.

-Really?

-I never said coach.

Well, she said she couldn't see me as a headmaster.

Did she?

-You said it, too.

-To you.

-What is a headmaster anyway? Do people even know?

-Probably not.

We didn't commit to anything.

Well, commit to it. It's perfect.

I agree. She's so smart.

I'm just not sure about lacrosse. Is it too... lacross-y?

-I know what you mean.

-How 'bout hockey?

-Ooh, hockey works. We can call it "Pucks".

-I'd watch.

Uh, before we start measuring for uniforms, can we all take a breath?

I'm telling you, this is so much better than your old show.

How would you know? You've never even seen our show!

I've seen your show. Of course, I've seen your show.

Who told you I haven't seen your show?

-I don't...

-Did you tell them I haven't seen their show?

Er... I...

Uh, no, no, er, Carol didn't say it. I...

I was just trying to make a joke. It was a joke. You haven't see our show!

I don't get it.

He's the funny one.

What a great night(!) Maybe next time you can shoot someone.

First of all, I didn't tell him he could play a coach.

-Did you tell him that he couldn't play a coach?

-No.

Did you mention that it would change the show completely?

That we'd have to throw out all our scripts?

He said he would let it be our decision!

And he very well might have if you wouldn't completely antagonised him over that bloody documentary.

What was I supposed to do? Just go along with him?

"Oh, a film about afflicted children? Hilarious!"

Yes! You go along! That's what the rest of us do.

We go... along.

Because we know that if you don't go along, you end up writing a show called Pucks!

Just once, could you not make everything harder?

-Evening.

-And you're here to see?

Oh, no. No, no, no. Not tonight, Wallace. Don't pull that shit with us.

Now open the mother-fucking, bloody bastard, pain in the arse,

dick cheese, stinking, dirty, shitty,

wanking, fucking, bloody, fucking, bastard,

fucking, stupid cunt of a fucking gate!

HE OPENS GATE

Tourette's.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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