Episode 3 Episodes

This programme contains some strong language

-You want me for the old, fat guy's part? Thanks(!)

-We don't want you.

-Again, thanks(!)

We got Matt LeBlanc!

-Yay!

-What?!

And the best part? Merc's excited about the show again!

-When did he stop being excited about the show?

-Never!

-Matt's been telling me about the changes for his character.

-Changes?

-He's not gonna be a headmaster any more.

-How's that?

I love that he's a coach.

-A coach?

-A lacrosse coach.

-Love it.

-It was Beverly's idea.

I'm just not sure about lacrosse. Is it too lacrosse-y?

-I know what you mean.

-How about hockey?

Ooh, hockey works! We could call it Pucks.

What was the name of that little hotel in Cap Ferrat?

With the precarious balcony and the, um...

fat guitar player?

Le...

Bleh Bleh Bleh?

Yes.

-I liked that place.

-Mm-hm.

-We could be there in 12 hours.

-Sorry.

I'm dreading today.

I'm quite excited.

And there you have it.

ALARM BEEPS

Nooo...!

Let's just stay in bed all day.

'Fraid not.

I'll let you have "ze sex" with me.

Oooh...romantic.

Hello! It's not a handle!

-That's not going to work.

-Oh, really?

Yeah, come on. No, we have to get up.

I believe you are up.

Ooh, the wit, the wordplay. It's like being in bed with Noel Coward.

I suspect it's nothing like being in bed with Noel Coward.

No, sweetheart, seriously, we can't do this,

we don't have time for this.

We have to, look, we...we can't be late.

We've got a very... Oh, God. ..very big day.

No, please, don't. Oh...

Oh yeah, oh, fuck it.

-All right, listen, no dawdling. Two minutes, tops.

-Five.

Five? Are we doing it twice?!

Hey, sorry we're late. Hideous traffic. Where's the network?

Just got here.

Ha-ha-ha! Good day, mates!

Ha-ha, I'm afraid that's Australian.

Really? Well, look at me, I'm Meryl Streep.

Look at you!

-Matty!

-Hey!

Here we go! So exciting.

-Love the new hockey stuff.

-Totally.

Is anyone else hot?

HE LAUGHS

Oh, wow, someone has let herself go(!)

Come here, you!

-They had a thing.

-Really?

Yeah, like 15 years ago.

15 years ago?

How old is she?

I know. She looks amazing.

Came over on the Mayflower.

SHE LAUGHS PIERCINGLY

That won't get annoying(!)

Er, so we should get started. Merc has another table read in an hour.

Oh. All right. Everyone?

Shall we do this?

Apparently, we're on a tight schedule.

Yeah, c'mon, everybody, listen to Mary Poppins.

"We're on a schedule!"

LAUGHTER

Hold the work!

SET ALARM RINGS

Oh, go ahead, start.

I'll be there in a sec.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Pucks Pilot. Act One.

Interior, St Abban's Academy Library.

The librarian, Nicola McCutcheon, mid-twenties,

is behind the desk, stacking books.

HE AUDIBLY LICKS FINGERS

Merc, it's no problem, we can wait(!)

What, I can't listen and lick?

Keep going. Go, go, go, it's great.

HE SLURPS

Coach Lyman enters. He approaches Nicola.

I need a book.

A book...a book. I'm sure we have one somewhere.

CHUCKLING

Let me ask you something.

< TOASTER SPRINGS

Hot! Hot! Hot!

Shh.

She's just not interested in you.

-You don't know that.

-Everyone knows that.

LAUGHTER

-That's not all they do.

-Again!

Library day, Coach Lyman is with the boys...

-I don't want you to say yes because...

-No.

-Say what?

-Children should not have to see that.

-Shut up.

Lyman and the boys exit, fade out.

APPLAUSE

Filming starts at 8am tomorrow.

Check your call sheets for your start time.

So, er...thoughts?

Erm...

I think, um...

I think you're gonna have to buy a lot of sunblock...

..because you are going to be living here for a very long time!

-I loved it!

-Oh, my God. So funny.

It's a riot. Really.

Really? We're all happy?

You kidding? "It's bloody fantastic!"

I gotta tell ya, kids, I think we are looking at a big, fat hit!

So?

Eh.

Would "balaclava" be funnier?

-Do they call it that here?

-Don't they?

-Hey.

-Oh, um, do you know what a balaclava is?

-No.

-How about an anorak?

-Now you're just making sounds.

-Can I talk to you guys about something?

-Of course.

-Morning's character? The librarian?

-Right.

-Does she have to be a lesbian?

-Yes.

-Or DOES she?

-Yes, she does.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-What if she isn't?

-It would not be as good.

-Or WOULD it?

-It would not.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

Right. Let's assume you two could do this all day. Huge fun.

But I'm jumping in. What's the problem with Nicola being a lesbian?

It just seems like if my guy's in love with her,

but he can't EVER get her, it's...

-Funny?

-It is...very funny. I'm not saying that.

It's just...I dunno.

The whole lesbian thing. It's kind of a dead end.

I don't know that lesbians would agree with you.

So, what are you suggesting?

OK. Let's just say for a second,

she's not a lesbian.

-MUFFLED GROAN

-Wow!

Go on.

Say she's straight.

You can still have all the conflict.

We still fight all the time.

-She still totally hates me.

-Sure.

You know, she thinks I'm arrogant. She thinks I'm a pig.

Oh, I'm with you there.

But underneath...all that, she's attracted to me.

And she hates it.

And I know it.

And she hates that I know it. Huh?

Well...

clearly, you're a master of subtext,

but what I think is actually going on here,

I think you, and when I say you I'm referring, of course, to "your guy",

can't stand the idea that there's a woman who isn't attracted to you.

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

-Oh, really?!

-Yes.

-Oh, REALLY?!

And we're back to that. Well, Matt, look, erm,

let us think about this.

Why?

-Darling...

-All right, I'll think about it... Mm, no!

Well, that was collaborative.

What?! I'm not going to coddle his homophobia

-and pretend to entertain some notion we both know...

-MATT'S MOBILE RINGS

Is that ever switched off?

We're not done with this. Yo.

-Unbelievable!

-I know.

Not him, you! Jesus Christ, what are you doing? We talked about this.

I can't help it! He starts speaking, and I just, I just...

I don't care! The last time you pissed him off, we found ourselves writing about a hockey coach.

I don't know what new level of hell you're hoping to relegate us to!

-Fine. How about this? From here on in, he's yours.

-What?!

So...?

Matt, oh, I'm so sorry, but I was supposed to be in wardrobe 20 minutes ago. I'm afraid I must run.

-Aww!

-Oh, I'm sure you and Sean can sort out any concerns you may have.

I'll see you both later.

She's fun.

She's just... very passionate about the work.

Ah! Lucky you.

Listen, that was this chef I gotta go check out for my new restaurant.

-If I don't do it today, we could lose him. You want to come? We can talk on the way.

-Er...

All right.

About this lesbian thing. I hear what you're saying.

But I think what's important to remember about the character is that...

Fuck me!

-Tell me that's not yours.

-You like?

Oh, I read there was only three in the whole world.

-Yep. Me, the Sultan of Brunei and some drug guy.

-Oh, it's magnificent.

Here.

-And that's why I was never picked. Really?

-Go for it.

I am so happy.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

-Get a room.

-Can I?

Oh, I wish I knew how to drive.

Look at me! How cool do I look driving this?

Seriously?

Even I don't look cool with you driving this.

Right.

So, should we get back to your issue with Morning's character?

Sure, I totally understand what you and...I keep wanting to call her Betsy.

Oh, no, don't do that.

Her mother's name is Betsy. She hates it.

Well, now I got to call her Betsy.

Oh, brilliant(!)

Turn right here.

Where is this chef?

Las Vegas.

Ah.

What do you think?

-For...?

-Morning. In the first library scene.

Um, it's very, uh...

Fabulous?

-I was going to say Dr Seuss.

-I think it's fun.

No, no, it is definitely fun.

But she's a librarian,

not someone who might have relatives in Whoville.

No, remember we talked about her being a strong, confident woman?

Well, who else would wear this?

I don't know, maybe a cat?

Perhaps in a hat?

OK, OK, but we want her to look young, right?

-I mean, she's playing late-twenties.

-Absolutely.

How old do you think she is, actually?

Morning? No-one knows.

But I've got a friend who did a pilot with her and William Shatner back in the '80s.

The '80s?

What did she play, his granddaughter?

How 'bout his wife?

I know, it's crazy, right?

That girl, somewhere she's got a painting of herself,

and it's looking like all kinds of shit.

Mmm.

This guy's fucking amazing. Did you try the prawns?

Genius. And the catfish is like the food version of your car.

Dude, you have blown me away here.

-Khawp khun kha.

-My pleasure.

-You speak Thai?

-Ah, just the basic stuff.

"Please", "Thank you", "How much for the girl?"

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

-Where are you?

-I'm with Matt.

-'Still?'

-Is that Betsy? Hi, Bets!

-What's that?

-Matt says "hi". You should probably take the car home. I may be a while.

-What's going on?

-Erm...ha-ha.

-We're in Las Vegas.

-Vegas, Betsy!

-Las Vegas?!

-'Yeah, Matt had to check out this chef for his restaurant.'

Then we have to go to the opening of some new club.

-Oh, gimme the phone.

-I'll be home tonight. He's got a plane.

'I'll call you later.' I love you, bye! Stop it!

-Remind me, who's doing that shitty talking dog pilot?

-We are.

Meh, might be funny.

Wait. Bad news.

We lost John Stamos.

-Fuck!

-I just got off the phone with the agent.

He's definitely taking that thing at ABC.

That fucking cocksucker!

He's your son's godfather.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy.

What the...not now.

Aw, boo!

So now we're back to square one.

And this would be for...

Easy Marks, the con man thing.

-I know!

-Stamos would have been perfect.

-I'll get you a new list.

-What about Matt LeBlanc?

-What about Pucks?

You think?

I still like it.

We'll see.

-Nipple, nipple, nipple.

-No.

Nipple? Nipple?

HE SIGHS

DANCE MUSIC

My father's a neurologist. My mother's an orthopaedic surgeon.

My brothers are surgeons.

It's amazing I'm sitting here talking to you and not removing someone's spleen.

-You ever want to be a doctor?

-Yeah, I went to university for it.

Somewhere along the line, though, I realised I find the interior of the human body disgusting.

Yeah, people are gross.

What about you?

What would you be doing if you hadn't done this?

Er...

-I would have either been a Formula 1 driver...

-Of course.

-Or a porn star.

-Impressive.

Not just a porn actor, a porn STAR!

Yeah, well...I kind of have what you need to make it in that business.

What, you're speaking...

-anatomically?

-Yeah.

-It's ridiculous. It's like a third arm.

-Seriously?

-Yeah. Well, without the hand.

-I assumed.

Er...

..congratulations?

Hey, I had nothing to do with it. I was born this way.

When they saw my sonogram, they thought I was twins.

THEY LAUGH

Hey, are you winding me up? I'm very naive.

I'm telling you, it's got everything but an elbow.

I gotta take a leak.

You want to see it?

Ha, er, no.

No, I don't think so.

-Sure?

-Er, yeah, I'm sure, but thank you.

Whatever. Be right back.

-I still don't get it.

-How can you not get it?

-Are you sure you're telling it right?

-Fuck you.

I've told it a million times.

For God's sake, maybe you left something out.

What? The bear goes in, he eats the guy, he eats the girl, then he comes out and he says....

Ah! Turn right here.

This may take a while. This guy never lets us...

Hey, how's it goin'?

ENGINE REVS

All right, man. Well, thanks for schlepping around with me today.

It was a pleasure being schlepped.

-listen, before I go in, I promised Beverly...

-You mean Betsy?

Stop it. I promised her we'd discuss that lesbian business.

Ooh, I love lesbian business.

-Finished?

-Yeah.

-Right, you've seen the original show.

There's something wonderful about your character loving this woman he can never have.

He refuses to believe that one day she won't come around.

-Yeah, it makes him look a little foolish. But it's funny and sweet.

-I agree.

-You do?

-Absolutely. It's one of the best things in the show.

It humanises the guy.

You totally feel for him.

Then why change it?

-How many years did you do the show in the UK?

-Four series.

-That's how many episodes?

-24.

Right. That's one season for us.

Friends did 236 episodes.

You got to give yourself places for stories to go.

How long do you think Ross and Rachel would have lasted if Rachel had been a lesbian?

Or Sam and Diane on Cheers?

Or Frasier and...I don't know who, I never watched that show.

Look, you're the writer.

But I'm telling you, audiences need something to root for.

And when we're in Season Three and you're up at midnight looking for stories, you're gonna be banging

your head against the wall saying "How many times can this guy hit on the dyke?"

'Front door ajar.'

-'Front door ajar.'

-Oh, my God.

-I know.

How are you?

-Ex-hausted.

-I can imagine. Las Vegas?

-Yeah.

And all day with him?

-What was THAT like?

-Er...

It was...fine.

Fine?

Yeah, I don't know. I guess it was fun.

Fine and fun...

Fine and fun.

-You like him!

-I do.

-You twat!

-I'm sorry!

I know that's not what you want to hear, but he's fantastic!

He's crazy and generous and very funny! We laughed all day.

You're smitten!

Hardly. All right, a little smitten.

Just a smit. He let me drive his car.

Yeah, I know that doesn't mean anything to you, but oh, my God!

And Vegas! Vegas is mad.

Going into this club, there are paparazzi shouting at Matt, shouting at me.

-Why you?

-Because I was with HIM.

And then we got inside and I met Lindsay Lohan

and some people from The Hills, which I have no idea what that is, but everyone was very excited.

And that girl from that film that we walked out on.

-Sounds like a glamorous crowd(!)

-It was.

-Sarcasm missed.

We hung out for a while. Then he showed me his cock and we flew home.

-I'm sorry, what?

-He showed me his cock.

-He showed you his cock?

-Right.

Why?

Because it's enormous.

Like a sea creature.

Like something out of Jules Verne.

-Oh, my God!

-You can't imagine.

I don't want to. So...help me here.

-Did you ask to see it?

-No! No, that would be weird.

-Ah, yes.

-He offered.

And this is happening where?

-At the club.

-What he just hauled it out in the middle of a club?

No, no, I followed him into the loo.

-This is a very unsettling story.

-It's pretty much all there is to it.

-I would hope so.

-Ooh, you have to see all this free stuff I got.

-Before the club, we met this designer who just gave us all these clothes.

-Why?

-So Matt would wear them.

-Again, why you?

-Because I was with him!

Now, apparently, these are very hip.

-It says "Blood Rat."

-That's the name of the label.

You're not going to wear that.

I might.

It says "Blood...Rat."

It's cashmere. It's very soft.

Also, these trousers.

The stains are intentional. I asked.

Some shirts. This cap.

And look at these glasses.

What do you think?

I think you look like a bloody idiot.

I understand why they're giving them away.

They're desperately trendy, rodent-themed, and by the way,

would it have killed you to bring something back for me?

Oh...

-These might look...

-Don't!

-I don't suppose you even talked about the lesbian thing?

-We did.

And?

We're on the same page.

Oh, well, that's something.

He's right.

I'm just saying, if you take the long view, it makes more sense for the characters. You know?

I mean, if this show goes four, five years...

If this show goes four, five years, hopefully I'll be long dead,

and you and your new partner can sort it out.

-You know, I think I look like a bit of an arsehole in this.

-Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be a thoughtless prick.

-I just get carried away.

-Yes, you do.

-You know, you might look quite sexy in this.

-In Blood Rat?

Maybe under a tasteful blazer?

It is soft, if you can ignore the bleeding rodent.

You're welcome to these stained trousers, if you like.

I think not.

-He really let you see his willy?

-Ooh. When I close my eyes, I am still seeing it.

-It's that big?

-It could attack a city.

-Did you show him yours?

-No! The situation was humbling enough as it was.

I don't think you've got anything to be ashamed of.

-There's something to be said for human proportions.

-Ow, "human proportions"?

Oh, you know...

MOBILE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Hey.' Is Sean there?

Hello, Matt.

Hey, Betsy. 'Is he around?'

-It's your boyfriend.

-Hello?

Hey, you were right, I fucked up the punch line. The bear goes in...

HE SNIGGERS

Well, that makes more sense.

HE CHUCKLES

BANGING

Aw, are you scared?

Guys! Let me out!

Did you lock Dawson in there again?

-No.

-Yes, they did!

C'mon, you guys.

We've talked about this.

You're a team.

You've gotta support each other, treat each other with respect.

So long as you keep pulling crap like this, you're never going to win.

He said the puck has more brains than you do.

Let's give him another five.

Cut! That was great. Moving on.

-Was that too big?

-No, I thought it was fun.

-Cool.

You notice how he only looks at you now?

-Maybe he thinks you don't like him.

-I don't.

-Well...

That's not it. I don't like a lot of people, and they all look at me.

You did say he was "mine".

I don't care, it's rude.

And what's all this business about him calling me Betsy?

I told him not to do that!

No, I...I said it was your mother's name, and you'd hate it.

Well, that's just like giving him a gift, isn't it?

You smoke?

Oh, it's OK. My agent knows.

-Can I bum one?

-Sure.

-Oh, Beverly. I've found Beverly. Have you seen Sean?

-Yeah, he should be in there somewhere. Why?

Oh, Matt needs him. He wants to change some lines in the hockey scene.

Did he just ask for Sean? Not...

-Not the two of us?

-Uh...

Yeah.

-Where is Matt?

-In his dressing room.

Beverly's coming to talk to Matt.

Who is it?

It's "Betsy"!

Come on in.

What's up?

-We need to speak.

-OK.

Have a seat.

Clearly, you have a problem with me.

Now, I don't if it's that you're uncomfortable around strong women

or you're threatened by me in particular, or maybe you just don't like me. Well, that's fine.

We don't have to like each other.

However, we do have to remain...

um...professionals. And, erm...

that, that, means... that means treating each other with... with mutual respect.

My husband and I created this show together.

So I-I-I...I...

would appreciate you according me every courtesy you give him.

If you...

What?

If you have thoughts on a scene, you, you talk to me as well as him.

If you want to change a line, you come to both of us, not just him.

I-I-I believe I have earned that...right.

You're right.

It was unprofessional, I apologise.

Well...thank you.

I can promise you it will never happen again.

I would appreciate that.

Er, can I say one thing?

In the interest of mutual respect?

Certainly.

My eyes are up here.

I'm not a piece of meat.

Here you go.

DOOR CLOSES

THUD

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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