Episode 4 Episodes

This programme contains very strong language.

I was not a good husband... But I am a good dad.

I've never actually seen a screw-you finger that tiny.

Pretty cute, huh? They're the best thing I've ever done in my life.

What's all this business about him calling me Betsy?

I told him not to do that.

No, I said it was your mother's name and you'd hate it.

Well, it's just like giving him a gift, isn't it?!

-How old do you, think she is actually?

-No-one knows.

But I've got a friend who did a pilot with her and William Shatner

back in the '80s.

Hmm, I know it's crazy, right?

That girl, somewhere she's got a painting of herself and it's looking like all kinds of shit.

BELL RINGS

Everybody ready?

Camera rolling...

Pucks pilot, 14 delta, take two.

And action.

-She's just not interested in you.

You don't know that.

-Everyone knows that.

-Tsk.

Look at her. She's so hot.

Er, I'm 12.

Should we be having this conversation?

Ssshhh! Coach Lyman, please.

You see there, the way she was touching her lips with her finger?

And you're saying she's not interested? Ho ho ho!

She was shushing you. She's a librarian. That's what they do.

That's not all they do.

Again, 12.

-Besides, I think she might be gay.

-What?

She's not! Why would you...

What do you even know about gay?

-My dads are gay.

-Jesus, both of them?

-What are the odds of that?

-And cut!

That's great. Let's go again.

Morning, this time can you make the shush a little sexier?

Oh, I think I can do that.

Did I mention I hate this show?

I believe it's come up.

Here's that thing you asked for.

That's mysterious.

-What?

-What?

It's about Morning. How old she actually is.

Dear God. Why are you obsessed with that?

I'm not obsessed. It's just mad!

From everything we've heard, she was acting in that play when Lincoln was shot.

-So? She looks great. Who cares how old she is?

-Right.

You're not the least bit curious?

No, I'm not.

So?

-No. You're not curious.

-Oh, come on.

-She's...old!

-How old?

Old! Ridiculously old. She must have been made in a lab.

-Let me see.

-No.

Oh, my god. She's even older than you!

You fucker!

Well, that's what you're thinking isn't it?

Course it is.

-Look at her. I could be her mother.

-Only if you had her very young.

-Don't agree with me!

-All right, fine.

But you're much more attractive than she is. You are!

She's all plastic.

Those boobs...

-Yuck...

-Mmm hmm.

I'm telling you, I like the real thing. Give me a woman who looks her age.

Five years younger than her age... seven... ten...

-Ten years younger. You're a foetus.

-Walk away. Just walk away.

-It's true.

-Bullshit.

No, not bullshit. Hey, Seany!

Come here. You've got to settle something for us.

Hey, look at you all spiffy.

Yeah, I've got that custody hearing today.

-Oh, Jesus. Good luck with that.

-Ahhh, I'll be fine.

-I'll just give the judge a couple "How

-you

-doin's?"

-Hey, are we going to have catch phrases?

-Catch phrases? Ah, no.

-They're awfully cheesy.

-Yeah?

Tell that to my house in Malibu.

-So, what is it you need settling?

-Ah, OK.

-Please tell Morning that she is not a lesbian any more?

-Right. You're not.

It doesn't affect the pilot, but we decided that Nicola should be straight.

-No way.

-It just gives us more room for stories with the two of you down the road.

All right. My girl likes the dick!

What was that?

-He can't high five.

-I can high five!

-No.

Well, what can I say? We're more...

firm handshake kind of people.

Don't even try to get him to fist bump.

-Oh, come on.

-No, no...

-Come on, come on, come on.

-No seriously I can't, I'll hurt you.

-No seriously, seriously. I...

-Your hand is going to meet my fist.

-When I do it, I look like I need...

-No, you're cool.

All right, OK, we'll do it, I'm ready.

-Ready? And...

-Yeah!

-Yay!

THEY ALL LAUGH

-Good job! Woo!

-SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY

What?

Nothing.

-You have that look.

-No look.

All right.

So...

-when Morning was hugging you today...

-There we go.

Did she feel 25, or could you sense the withered crone beneath?

Maybe you should hug her. She'd prefer that over your evil glare.

-I don't have an evil glare!

-Oh, please.

You look at her the way Cruella De Vil looked at puppies.

Not at all.

I think it's nice you've made a new titsy friend.

-She's obviously quite fond of you.

-She's an actress who wants more lines.

-Maybe she can hug them out of you.

-I'm not doing this.

-I'm not blaming you. She's gorgeous, young...

-She's not that young. She's older than you.

That's why I didn't want to do this!

All right, one more question about her, then I'll let it go.

-If I were dead...

-I'm not playing this game.

-Please. One round.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, Thank God.

-Hello.

-Hey, Betsy. Is Seany there?

-Hello?

-Hey. Can you do me a big favour? Can you come and pick me up?

-What's going on? Where are you?

-What's going on? Where is he?

-Right.

Oh...my...god.

What? Oh my God what?

I am so sorry.

-What?

-And he's just sitting there waiting?

-Who?

-Who's sitting where?

-Where's Santa Clarita?

Why are you writing that down? You're not going to Santa Clarita.

-I'm leaving now.

-You're going to Santa Clarita.

-Matt lost his custody hearing.

-Oh...my...God.

-Oh, that was your "Oh, my God."

-Right.

He's at this bar and there's a paparazzi guy waiting for him to pictures of him drunk.

-He wants me to pick him up.

-Aw, I'm sorry he lost his children.

-But can't he take a cab?

-Darling!

-I know, but it's 11 o'clock.

-Doesn't he have any friends he can call to pick him up?

-I'm his friend.

-I am!

-You've known him five minutes.

-That doesn't matter. There was bonding. We bonded.

-You bonded.

-Excuse me. Of all the people in the world, who did he call to come pick him up?

I know. That makes me sad.

-You're just jealous cos you haven't made any friends out here.

-That's not true.

-All right, who?

-Irene.

-Who's Irene?

-The girl who takes our script notes.

-Noreen.

Oh, who cares? She can't spell and she nicks my mints. She thinks I don't see her, but I do.

Give her the evil glare.

Not me, her.

Anyway, my friend Matt sounded depressed, and he wants my help, so I'm going.

-Fine. Then I'm coming with you.

-Oh, no, you don't have to do that.

I don't want you to go alone.

Besides, you'll never find this Santa Clarita on your own.

-I've got that navigation thingy.

-Ugh!

Last week it sent us to Pasadena.

-Yeah, we had fun.

-But we didn't want to go there!

-SAT NAV:

-'Your route is being calculated.'

'Turn right at the next exit.'

We're still in the driveway, you lying sack of shit!

Are you sure this is the place?

Looks like it. There's Matt's car.

And there's, er...

Hello.

Hey!

Oh, you brought her?!

And suddenly the hour to get out here seems totally worth it.

Ah, you're here. Pull up a chair. What are you guys having?

Uh, well... I don't think, I don't think we'll...

No, hey! Hey, don't look at her, look at me! Come on, one drink.

One drink!

This place is great. There's this guy over there with only one eye.

He was showing me, he can go like this, and make the fake one shoot across the room.

-It's insane. You gotta see it.

-I thought you said he was depressed.

-It would really help me if he was depressed.

-Come on! one drink!

-Betsy!

-Beverly.

Look, look, we all need to be on set by seven tomorrow morning.

What do you say we take a rain check on the drinks and the...

-shooting eyeball?

-Aggghhh, all right.

We just have to figure out how to get past that prick outside.

-How did he even know you were here?

-I don't know. That guy is my nemesis.

-You have a "nemesis"?

-Why can't I have a nemesis?

I usually get along good with those guys, but that one.

'Bout ten, twelve years ago,

I was coming out of some club, and I was totally hammered...

-Really? What must that be like?

-Or you can wait in the car!

Anyway, he got all in my face and started saying stuff, and I ended up smashing his camera.

And, uh, his head may have been involved in the smashing.

-Oh, my God...

-Well, ever since then, if any kind of shit happens to me, that guy's there, just waiting.

I don't know how he does it. It's like I'm Captain Hook

and he's the crocodile following me with the ticking clock.

What?

Nothing. I just don't expect you to come out with the "Peter Pan"

-references.

-Oh, yeah.

I'm fucking full of whimsy.

Also as a kid, I did three years on Broadway as one of the Lost Boys in Peter Pan

-WITH Sandy Duncan.

-You did not.

-Did you get to fly?

-I flew.

Why does that make me so happy?

Hey, Sandy's only got one eye, too! It's Crazy One Eye Day!

If only Sammy Davis Jr were here.

How awesome would that be?

Right. So. Us. Leaving.

OK. How about Matt slips out the back door and gets into our car, and we try and distract the crocodile?

-Distract him how?

-I don't know. We'll ask him to take our picture.

-I look like shit.

-What she say?

-She said she looks like shit.

-I'm sorry I didn't.

-What are you doing?

-Are you wearing your pyjamas?

-Yeah, I didn't realize we'd be going somewhere this elegant.

-Can we please...

-Fine. All right, all right, let's do this thing.

Wow, urgh, my liver hurts from that.

Excuse me. Hello. Gentleman with the camera.

Would you mind coming over here and taking our picture?

-What?

-I just proposed to my girlfriend here, and it

would mean everything to us to have a memento of the occasion.

-You proposed just now?

-I know, can you believe it?

In this horrible bar in this awful neighbourhood?

-I so didn't see it coming!

-I wanted to throw her off the scent.

-Oh, was I thrown!

-What do you say? Just one picture?

I don't...

Oh, please. We'll pay anything. A hundred dollars. Two, three hundred.

-A hundred.

-Yeah, anything. A hundred.

I guess I could mail it to you...

-Great.

-That would be brilliant!

Just so I'll never forget this magical night.

OK, stand right there.

Psst...

Which one's your car?

Oh, fuck!

Well, at least he didn't get any pictures of you driving drunk.

Fucking paparazzi.

What kind of kid says, "When I grow up, I wanna be a scumbag asshole with a camera who just sits

"around hoping to catch some celebrity

"hitting their nanny or getting a blow job from a tranny hooker"?

Maybe if the celebrities didn't hit their nannies or get tranny

hooker blow jobs, then the scumbag arseholes would be out of a job.

Why is she here?!

No!

-It's a convertible.

-No!

'Turn right at the next exit.

'Route 134 East.'

We're nowhere near the 134.

-It's broken.

-So turn it off.

We don't know how.

So far, I am not having fun in this car.

Just stay on this till we get to Sunset.

And I'll tell you where to go from there.

I'm sorry about the custody business.

Yeah.

It's such bullshit.

-What happened?

-What happened? I got fucked is what happened.

I see.

We had this rule that I wouldn't have girls over to the house if the kids were there.

Also, the nanny had to be there whenever they were, blah blah blah, whatever.

Anyway, one night, they were asleep...

they were asleeeep...

-and, I dunno...

-You had a girl over?

No! I didn't even do that!

-The nanny?

-She was already in the house!

That shouldn't count!

'Turn next left onto the bridge.'

That thing's an idiot!

-NO!

-Oh, shit, yeah.

So anyway, one of the boys woke up and walked in on us.

Oh, my God.

He didn't see anything...

much.

But he told Diane, and she went nuts.

It was a whole thing.

Diane is your...

-Ex-wife!

-Sorry, I haven't seen this show before.

So then her rat-faced lawyer brings it up in court today.

Now...

I only get to see my kids every other weekend.

Every other weekend!

Just for screwing the nanny!

-She's not even that hot!

-Did you mention that in court?

Because it's a really good argument.

You think they should have taken my kids away?

No, I just think you might have contained

your libido long enough till your children were out of the house.

-At least I have a libido.

-Ow. Oh, ow ow, ooh ow.

-All right...

-I only screwed her once!

-Or you only got caught once.

-You have enough of a compulsion that your wife had to makes rules about it.

-I don't have a "compulsion".

No, course not. It was an informed decision to shag the nanny.

A brilliant plan that could only end well.

-Obviously.

-Hey, you know what...

-That's enough!

One more word out of either of you and I'm going to turn this car around!

-And go where? Back to the bar?

-God help us...

-I'd go back to the bar.

-We're not going back to the bar.

-Who made you the boss of everything?

-Oh, bloody hell.

Wait, slow down, that's it there, right there.

-See you tomorrow!

-You're welcome.

Well, at least he's sobered up.

What's he doing?

Are you sure this is his house?

-I don't know.

-Doesn't he live in Malibu?

-Yeah.

Well, I'm no shitty navigation system, but this isn't Malibu.

Maybe Malibu's just for weekends and he lives somewhere else.

-Does he?

-I dunno.

You really are good friends.

Uh, Matt? Did you lose your key?

Is this even your house?

I paid for it.

Oh, Jesus.

-I want to see the boys.

-You know what time it is?

-How drunk are you?

-I'm fine.

-Yeah, right!

-I am!

"Fine" like you were at Donna's christening?

I was at Donna's christening?

You called her a "little fat fuck".

-Well, have you seen her?

-Oh, God, you are so hammered.

-I hope you didn't drive here.

-Err, err, no, that was us.

We're so sorry. He told us this was his house, and like fools we believed him.

-You're fancy.

-Tell me about it.

This is Diane.

-This is Sean and Betsy.

-Beverly.

-Betsy.

-Beverly!

-Betsy.

-It's Beverly!

-Who the fuck cares?

-I'm going back to bed. You I'll see next weekend.

-No, wait.

I really want to see 'em now.

You heard what the judge said.

Yeah, I heard what he said, but...

come on. You won today. Just...

just give me this?

-They're asleep.

-I'm not gonna wake 'em.

I promise. I just want to look at them.

I...

I need that tonight.

OK?

Come on.

Just once, don't be a cunt.

-All right. Just this once.

-Thanks.

-If you wake them, I'll break your fucking arms.

Come see my boys.

If we're ever at some sort of impasse and you want to win me over,

I would avoid using the phrase, "Just once, don't be a cunt."

I think I knew that.

Aren't they gorgeous?

They really are.

I like the small one.

The big one, mmm...yeah...

I thought that might be a moment for a little humour... Clearly not.

What aretheir names again?

The older one's Aiden. The little monster's Michael.

You see that trophy?

Aiden just won his school talent contest.

The whole school.

-Wow. That's brilliant.

-Yeah.

-He does this thing where he stacks cups.

-Cups?

-I know it sounds stupid, but you should see him do it.

-He's so fast.

The cups are like a fucking blur.

-And he won over everyone in the school?

-Yeah.

Also, the other kid's not so talented.

-Jesus...

-What?

Every other weekend?

I'm such an asshole.

Mmmm.

Diane seems nice.

Mmmm.

I can see you two as a couple.

You trying to make me more depressed?

Sorry.

It was great to finally see the boys.

Yeah, they're even more fun when they're awake.

Well, they're definitely cuties.

Sure.

And now I gotta go home and look at their empty rooms.

Christ.

The house gets so fucking quiet...

Why don't you stay at our place tonight?

Seriously? You mean that?

Er, apparently so.

OK.

Well. Who saw that coming?

Hey.

I just want to say, you know, thanks.

Not just for the room, but for

coming out to get me tonight.

Oh.

-Well, you're welcome.

-Uh, hello. Just her? What about me?

I knew you'd come.

But I wasn't expecting...

Beverly.

Uh, sorry.

Oh, they grow up so fast.

That was a nice thing you did there.

-I know.

-I think he really appreciated it.

He vomited on me.

Just a little.

Well, I'm just happy he got to see how generous...

and wonderful...

and sexy...

I repeat vomited ON me.

Yeah, well, maybe not the last part.

I think this will really make a difference between the two of you.

That would be nice.

Mmm...

I'm so tired.

I could fall asleep right here.

Maybe a quick shower first.

-The vomit?

-Mmm hmm.

-Mmmm.

-Morning.

-Hey, Betsy.

-Do you want some tea?

-Uch, no.

-Any coffee?

-Sorry, no. Just tea.

Seriously? No coffee?

-No.

-In the whole house? No coffee?

-No.

-Wow.

-It's not like Colombia not having coffee.

-Morning, Florinda.

-Morning, miss.

Joey!

Hey. Hola.

Ay Dios mio!

Eres tu! How you doin', eh?

Ha, good one. Hey, es un dolor de cabeza?

Ooph, un gran dolor de cabeza.

Es imposible. "Florinda has esto, Florinda has lo otro." De acuerdo?

Si, claro, claro.

What? What did you just say?

Nothing. Just...good morning.

Hello, all.

Hey.

What? Did something happen already?

And we're off!

Let the awkward silence begin!

I thought that would break the tension but clearly...

it just shines a light on it.

-Hey.

-Hey.

-Oh, this is Kendra.

-Hi.

Hello.

I woke up in the middle of the night.

Totally awake. You guys were out cold.

This one snores, by the way.

You were in our room?

I was really bored. Anyways, I called Kendra.

-That's not compulsive at all.

-Is there any coffee?

-No, just tea.

-Ew.

-So how do you guys know Matt?

-We're making a TV pilot with him.

-Cool.

-And you?

-We met at Jamba Juice.

-Jamba Juice?

-Jamba Juice. No?

Jamba Juice?

Jamba Juice?

Jamba Juice.

Please make them stop saying Jamba Juice.

I assume it's some sort of juice place.

Right. I can't believe you have never heard of Jamba Juice.

-Not until the last 15 times.

-Anyway...

-what was I talking about?

-Nothing.

Oh, I know. So I was getting one of those

anti-oxidant smoothies with a whey protein super boost, and this guy walks in and hears me ordering...

And he's like, "Uh, gross." And I'm like, "Um, have you even tried it?"

And he goes, "I don't need to try it."

So I say, "Uh, hello, I think you do."

Anyway, I made him taste it, and before you know it, blah blah blah,

thank you very much, someone's got a new favourite drink.

We fuck once in a while.

Right. Uh, I think we should be getting to the studio. Darling, you should get ready.

Mattpants and Kendra, it was very nice meeting you.

Oh. You too.

Let's get on with the day.

Err, has anyone seen my dog?

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