Episode 5 Episodes

You're much more attractive than she is. You are!

She's all plastic.

Those...boobs.

Yuck...

Anyway I think it's nice you've made a new titsy friend.

She's obviously quite fond of YOU.

-She's an actress who wants more lines.

-Maybe she can hug them out of you.

Heyyy!

SEAN AND MORNING GIGGLE

Awww...

-MORNING LAUGHS STRIDENTLY

-Good job!

WIND WHISTLES

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE AND SOME SCENES OF A SEXUAL NATURE

No. No...

Oh, good, there you are.

Hey! ..See what Sean thinks.

-About what?

-Isn't this top too booby for Nicola?

Er...

I-I'd have to say... can one EVER be too booby?

Thank you! I have spent a lot of money believing the answer to that question is "No".

I'm gonna find you something else.

-So what's up?

-Erm...

(Thanks.)

I've got the new pages for the library scene. You go to him now...

-that way it really puts the pressure on HIM.

-Let's see.

SHE CHUCKLES

-This is SO much better.

-Is it? Oh. Yay!

Yeah, it works now.

You're SO good!

HE LAUGHS NONCHALANTLY Well...

Morning likes the rewrite.

I can see that.

-I should probably...

-Right.

(Try this...)

What was I supposed to do?

I'm talking to her and she just takes off her top like I'm not even there.

Oh, please! She knew you were there.

I don't know. She's an actress. They're very free with their bodies.

All I'm saying is, that was a CHOICE.

She could have gone in the back to change.

Or... Oh, here's an idea - she could just have turned round(!)

But no. She decided that was the perfect moment to bring out the bazooms.

-"Bazooms"?

-Yes. Technically, those aren't breasts, they're bazooms.

-You can look it up in The Big Book of Tits.

-Darling... Look at me.

Hi. You have nothing to worry about.

I am totally immune to her "bazooms".

-All right.

-I mean it...

-I said all right.

-All right.

-All right?

-All right.

-One more round(?)

-All right!

-All right.

Awww...

Is today over yet?

Actually, Matt has these tickets for this charity thing tonight, and he was wondering if...

Oh, please, no! All I want to do is go home and sit in a nice hot bath.

-Can we get out of it?

-Er, YOU can. He only has one extra.

-And of course he only invited you.

-You said you didn't want to go.

-That's not the point.

-It's MY point.

-What if I WANTED to go?

But you don't. You just asked to get out of it.

Whoosh - you're out of it. Any more wishes?

Are you being intentionally dim or do you not get...

Darling, it's YOU who doesn't get it. Of course he's not going to invite you -

he knows you didn't want him for the part.

You talk to him like he's an idiot.

And, lest we forget, you hate him.

-Still, that's no reason not to invite me.

-Yeah.

So what is this charity thing that I'm not invited to tonight?

-It's for rape.

-It's FOR rape(?)

No, obviously it's not FOR rape, it's not pro-rape -

it's to prevent it, or to...

..take care of women after... I don't know, rape is involved.

You wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway, there's this whole wine tasting thing.

Wine tasting and rape...?

And I believe there's a singer!

Oh - good.

She's here...

-What do you think?

-Well, er...

I like that she's wearing a top this time...

Mm-hm...

..but where's the bottom?

-What are you saying?

-Er, the skirt?

-What?

Too short?!

She's a librarian in a boys' boarding school.

I'm guessing it's not within her job description to show the boys her vagina.

They might go to the library more.

-Look at it with the glasses.

-Oh, OK.

Right. So now it's a vagina with glasses.

Tell me again...what you want.

Obviously I'm not getting it.

As incomprehensible as that is - we need something er...

tasteful, stylish, less er...

gynaecological?

DOOR OPENS Hey, kids!

CAROL GASPS Oh! Love...that.

-Thank you!

-Isn't it great?

It is not great! Because... she's a librarian.

-Well - a TV librarian.

-Exactly.

-Meaning?

-No-one ever stopped watching a TV show because the librarian looked too hot.

-And you're not going to actually SEE my vagina.

-And yet...

we'll all know it's there!

Let me be absolutely clear about this.

This skirt - and her reproductive organs - are not, I repeat, not, going in my show!

Let's get you out of this, honey.

Before she kills somebody.

I'm sorry. That, that was...

C'mon. Let's take a walk.

-No, no, I'm fine. Really.

-I know. I know. Just walk with me.

OK. What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong!

Really. It's all good.

Gotcha... Nice fists!

Oh...

Oh, it's all incredibly tedious.

So? Bore me.

Oh, I've just had a rather difficult day...

-Uh-huh...?

-And by "day" I mean month, month-and-a-half.

-Oh!

-Not having fun?

-Fun?

Nooo(!)

I...

You really want to hear this?

Yeah. I really do.

Every day, I...

feel like we're making this show worse.

I can barely remember why I liked it to begin with.

-I

-hate

-LA,

I'm sick of the sunshine and the mojitos...

-I am tired of feeling fat when I'm not fat...

-You're not fat!

Thank you.

-Am

-I

-fat?

-No! You're not fat.

-Really?

-Oh...!

-I hate my ass.

I used to have such a great ass...

So...we're done with me?

Oh - sorry.

Go on.

Oh, Sean would kill me for saying this - but if you told me right now this whole thing was off...

oh, I'd be home in a heartbeat and I wouldn't mind a bit.

But you're not going to tell me that, are you?

Sorry.

-'Night, Sam...

-'Night.

-Oh, Christ...

-See you guys tomorrow.

Honey... It's gonna be all right.

We'll find a skirt.

I know we will.

-Look at you, all glamour-y!

-Thanks.

You did that fast! What are you up to tonight?

I've got that benefit for the Rape Prevention thingie.

Oh, erm... I believe Sean's going to be there.

Yeah, I know. We'll miss you.

'Night!

I didn't see him behind me until it was too late.

He...hit me with a piece of pipe,

and before I could scream he had his hand over my mouth.

But mine was...

(I once did a pilot with her.)

(Mm.)

-In a recent Department of Justice study...

-(Not a good actress.)

..only 18% of all victims were raped by a stranger. 82% were attacked by someone that they know.

-That is why...

-(I think she does voiceovers now.)

(For like, cartoons and shit.)

..and why your support is so vitally important.

Women have to know how to protect themselves, keep themselves safe.

(You wanna open the wine?)

And I am not just speaking as a victim...

(I think we're supposed to wait.)

..but also as a mother.

(It really should breathe.)

-All right.

-OK.

Over 80% of the women who report being raped are under 25 years old.

And that's just the instances that have been reported.

Rape is called the most under-reported violent crime in America.

CORKSCREW SQUEAKS

In a large national survey of American women, only one...

-POP!

-..only one out of every six rapes reported

was reported to the police. Now, think about that - one in six.

That is a staggering statistic.

-(Hi.)

-(Hey...)

-(Hey.)

-(Sorry I'm late.)

(Got stuck in Wardrobe.)

-(What'd I miss?)

-(She was raped.)

..programmes in high schools and college campuses teaching

young women how to defend themselves, how to...

(I didn't know you were coming.)

-(Matt invited me.)

-(You look very nice.)

(Ssshhh! C'mon, guys...)

(Not cool.)

We guide them through the process of going to the proper authorities, and we are providing counselling...

It's crazy. Why am I even worrying about this?

I completely trust him.

The question is, do you trust HER?

About as far as I can stretch her tight little face.

I don't even like her name. "Morning"(!)

Well, imagine how ridiculous that name'll be when she's like, 70.

-She probably IS 70.

-CAROL LAUGHS

How does she do it?

I've heard, injections.

-What sort?

-Some kind of serum made from Chinese babies.

Oh, that's horrible.

Do we know where she gets it?

You smoke?

Oh, I'd love one... But I quit ten years ago.

Although I did slip the other day, and it was...

No - no, I shouldn't. I know it's poison.

And yet sometimes even the smell of a cigarette...

Oh...not cigarettes.

Oh, that's fine.

I didn't know you'd invited her.

Yeah...

Wait - are you two...

Us? No, no. I brought her for YOU.

Awww...! And I didn't get you anything.

It just seemed like you guys were really hitting it off, so I thought I'd give some space.

You know, away from... Nyeegh(!)

Are you serious?

-Yeah, I think she likes you.

-All right, first of all, I'm married.

Happily. I don't do that sort of thing.

And whether she likes me... Why do you think she likes me?

I'm tellin' ya. The way she's always playing up to you...?

That's not what that is. I'm her boss, it's my show,

she has to be nice to me.

I'm not nice to your wife.

Even so, it doesn't matter. I don't cheat.

Whoa, whoa! Who said anything about cheatin'?

I'm talkin' about a...little thing.

Yeah, a little "thing" is still a thing.

Nah!

Like...is a hand job cheatin'?

-Yes.

-A hand job?

-Yes.

-You know what a hand job is?

Yes!

-So I guess a blow job...

-All the jobs are cheating.

Hand job, blow job, hum job, rim...job...

Ooh, stop. You're turnin' me on with that accent!

I'm just sayin'. Look at what you're givin' up.

-I mean, you've seen the tape.

-What tape?

You've haven't seen her tape?

-Morning?

-Uh...yuh!

About ten years ago. It was kind of a big deal, cos she was playing the mom on some family show.

But it's her and some black dude, and they are doing stuuuuff...

Oh, my God...

I don't want to see it.

Oh, you wanna see it.

How long have you guys been together?

-Eight years.

-And he's never...

-What?

-Screwed around.

Oh! No, never.

-Although...

-Mmm?

..there is some precedent.

Intriguing...

When I first met Sean, he was...

..married to someone else.

Really?!

We both got hired to erm...

..write on this sketch show. And from day one it was like,

"Hellooo, where have YOU been?!"

We totally clicked, made each other laugh...

But I told myself nothing could happen. He was married.

-How long did that last?

-Five days?

Look at you with the self-restraint(!)

SHE GIGGLES

Oh...

You want more?

No... Yes.

It was a crazy time.

Both of us feeling guilty,

sneaking around. Always afraid we were going to get caught.

-That sounds hot!

-Oh, my God!

I've been seeing this guy... also married.

Eurgh...no-one knows...

..and I can't tell you his name.

If it got out, it could ruin a lot of lives.

It's Merc, right?

Yeah.

-Oh, ho, ho, hello, boys!

-Merc!

Honey, it's Matt LeBlanc and his friend Chim Chim Cheree.

Hi, Matt. Hello, Sean.

Wow, I didn't know you two were going to be here.

What, are you kidding me? James is the co-chair of this whole thing.

-Oh, congratulations.

-Wow.

-Yeah, she's pretty amazing.

She's been working her ass off. For the last six months

all I've heard is rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape...

-It's enough to make you want to do it.

-Honey!

I'm kidding! Hey, if you don't laugh at this stuff, you cry.

Well, it's a great night.

-Oh, thank you.

-Oh, it really is.

Everything. The wine, Natalie Cole... Even the food.

-You don't expect it to be good at these things.

-This chef is a genius.

I found him at the colorectal cancer benefit. Now I won't use anyone else.

Oh, have you ever been to the colorectal one? Oh, my God!

They always do it right around Christmas, with all the twinkly lights. It's just magical.

-Hmm.

-I also really like the one for the kids with the hair lips.

-Last year at the raffle, I won a car.

-Wow.

-Well, a Toyota, but still.

-Is Beverly here?

-No, Matt only had one extra ticket.

-Oh, you should have called me.

-I wish I'd known.

-I really like Beverly.

-Yeah, she's great.

-Is she enjoying LA any better?

-Ehhh...

Well, you know, we're working so hard on the pilot, we really could be anywhere.

Is this one pushing you too hard? You just tell me -

I've got a bit of clout with him.

Honey? Honey...?

Honey?

He was going to leave her, after Christmas.

He just wanted to wait till they got back from Hawaii.

The deposits weren't refundable or some bullshit, I don't know,

but he really was going to leave her.

And then she went blind.

Right.

-Obviously he couldn't do anything then.

-No.

I mean,

-how would that look?

-Not good.

I couldn't believe it.

Blind.

BLIND.

It's like I was being punished.

OK.

And now it's...we're just back to where we were, you know.

Screwing in the office and taking fake business trips. I know, I know.

I should just end it...

..but...

Oh, God...

I could eat a whole pig right now.

You want to hear something really pathetic?

I've actually become an expert on ocular blindness.

I'm online constantly, reading all the latest research.

And so far, there is really no hope.

But I...

I just keep dreaming that...

someday some doctor somewhere...

..will find a cure

and give that poor woman her sight back, so he can fucking leave her.

Mmm, ooh, oh - you guys gotta try this one.

It starts out with, like, a deep cocoa flavour, but then it has an almost ashy finish.

-A what?!

-An "ashy finish"?!

That's a real thing!

IN FRENCH ACCENT: Mmmm, it's a bright cabernet redolent of burnt hair and Marlboro Lights.

Or you can both suck my balls.

Sean?

Oh, my God! What are you doing here? What are you doing in LA?

-I've got a screenplay!

-What, you're writing now?

-Well, pretending to.

-Well, that's brilliant.

Although features... that's a tough game.

Bev and I have a script we've been trying to make happen for eight years.

Actually, mine is happening.

What?

We start filming in three weeks.

-That's brilliant. They're making your movie.

-Bryan Singer's directing.

Oh, brilliant. Brilliant.

-It's a two-hander with Matt Damon and Keira Knightley.

-Matt Damon AND Keira Knightley.

In your movie. That's...

that is...

-Brilliant?

-Oh, yeah, sorry.

Matt LeBlanc, Morning Randolph, this is Andrew Lesley.

Andrew used to be our old PA.

But now apparently he's got a movie.

So what brings you here?

We're doing a TV pilot.

-We're making an American version of "Lyman's Boys".

-Awesome! Who's doing Julian's part?

Matt is.

HE LAUGHS HEARTILY

Oh, you're serious.

Well, that's...fantastic.

Yeah, we changed it a bit.

It's now about a hockey coach. It's called "Pucks!".

-No, really...

-No, really.

Wow.

Well, good luck with that. I should really get back to Keira.

Oh, oh, you're here with KEIRA?

-Mmm, and all the Paramount people.

-HE SNORES

-Nice meeting you both.

-Bye-bye.

Fuck you, get outta my country.

What kind of sick mind chains a refrigerator?

It's like locusts came through here.

There's gotta be something left.

SHE GASPS

Hello!

Donut?

From the garbage?

-Yeah.

-Anything, er...

touching it?

Just...garbage?

All right.

Three years ago he was getting me lattes,

-now he's doing a movie with Matt Damon and Keira Knightley.

-You know,

just because they're making a movie, doesn't mean it's gonna be a good movie. Believe me.

Why should I care about this? He's not a bad person.

He's a douche bag.

Look, don't do this to yourself.

You'll still be making great TV shows when that little creep goes back to getting other people coffee.

You are a brilliant, brilliant writer. And I don't mean "brilliant" like you guys say it.

You're actually brilliant.

-That's very kind...

-Bullshit.

It's not kind, it's true.

You may not realise how long I've been doing this.

I've, uh, heard rumours...

So then you know I know what I'm talking about.

-Before I took this, I watched every episode of "Lyman's Boys".

-You did?

Do you even know how talented you are?

I show up at that stage every day and I can't believe I get to work with you.

Well, boys, this is me.

Thank you both for a lovely evening.

'Night, sweetie. Come here.

You going to be OK?

Oh, I'm already OK. Thank you.

See you tomorrow.

There goes one great opportunity.

And...it's back.

That's not my car. That was embarrassing.

Oh, God, I am covered in dog hair. Whoa!

OK, I'm thinking maybe you shouldn't be driving tonight.

I think you may be right.

Hey, you're in Westwood, right?

-Seany, you're heading in that direction.

-Would you mind?

Actually, I need to go back to the office.

I left some script notes there that, uh, Beverley and I need to go over tonight.

Oh. OK.

Hey, come on. I'll take you.

Hello.

Mmmm.

Mmmm. Moo shoo pork.

Moo shoo pork to you.

-How was your bath?

-Didn't get to it because...

I got stoned with Carol.

-Carol from the network? You...did...not.

-Yes, I did.

Your little wine tasting doesn't look so debauched now, does it?

-It does not.

-Ooh, what's in the bag?

Oh, we all got one. I haven't looked at it yet.

Corkscrew.

A bottle of merlot.

And a rape whistle.

So how was it? Who was there? Any famouses?

It was crawling with them. I was two tables away from Sharon Stone,

-who was annoying even from the back.

-Sure.

Miley Cyrus...I think.

-Oooh.

-Elton John,

who in person looked a lot like Judi Dench.

-Really? Who else?

-Oh, I ran into our old PA Andrew.

Our little baby Andrew?

Awww, what's he doing here?

Wrote a movie they're making with Matt Damon and Keira Knightley.

-That little prick.

-Thank you.

-Any other familiar faces?

-Oh, Merc and his wife - what's her name?

-Jamie.

-Right. She says hello.

-Aww, that was sweet.

So, that was it?

-What was it?

-Anybody else I might know?

Uh, no.

-Well, Matt?

-Oh, Matt,

right, right, of course.

And...?

-And...that's it.

-Really?

What, no-one else?

Erm, I don't think so.

-Not, erm...Morning?

-Oh, right, yeah. And Morning.

What?

No, I just think it's interesting that you failed to mention her, that's all.

-Guess I forgot.

-You remembered someone who may have been Miley Cyrus,

but you forgot one of the stars of our show was there.

Right, fine, the reason I didn't mention her was I knew it would make you all...

-whatever you're being now.

-I'm whatever I'm being now because you didn't mention her.

-Nothing happened.

-You say that like there was a chance something could have happened.

-All right, fine, you want to know the truth?

-As opposed to what?

There was a moment...

between us... at the end of the evening...

when something...

..might have happened. But I chose to leave it and come home to you.

So, that's supposed to make me feel better?!

The fact that you're already having "moments" with this woman.

-I chose you!

-I would hope so!

You don't get extra points for that!

Right, I'm going to bed.

Oh, yeah, like that...Fuck me...

Yeah, like that... Oh, Harder...harder...

Ooh, yeah! Fuck me...!

WOMAN GROANS IN PLEASURE

WOMAN CONTINUES TO GROAN

Oh, yeah, fuck me!

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