Episode 5 Episodes

This programme contains strong language

We writers do love our pens.

I had it engraved.

Y-C-O-M-T.

"You came on my tits."

That is true!

Merc and I went ring shopping!

Oh, my God!

For his wife.

I hope this is OK, I was just on the lot, dropping something off at Merc's.

Oh! Oh!

Some woman friended me on Facebook. She says she knows you and needs to get back in touch.

Oh, shit! Is it Labia?

Is that really how it's pronounced? It's not "Lah-bia" or "La-bee-a"?

-No, Labia.

-As in?

-Labia.

She's my stalker.

-You're not serious?

-Yeah.

-You believe in Bigfoot?!

-Yup.

Bigfoot?

I'm telling you, there's too much evidence for it just to be a hoax.

-Oh, dear God! Are we including yeti in this?

-No, yeti are bullshit.

-Of course.

-There was this really interesting documentary about it on the Syfy channel.

Always a good source for factual information.

-The Syfy channel's good!

-You do know what the "fy" stands for?

Anyway, they had actual footage that could not be disputed. Seriously!

They had experts who examined the film and they all said,

without question...

Hello?

Don't turn around.

I said don't turn around! Why is it when you say, "Don't turn around," the first thing people do...

OK, OK, I'm not turning.

Is it Bigfoot?

There's a girl over there, keeps looking at me.

-Hmm.

-Oi!

Relax! Is she hot?

Pretty hot. Yeah.

She looks familiar, maybe she's an actress.

I swear to God!

All right, she's not looking. Quick, turn around. But be very nonchalant.

MATT GROANS

What the hell are you doing here?!

I said be nonchalant! That's totally chalant!

-Hi.

-500 feet, Labia!

-500 feet!

-Yeah, I don't carry a tape measure.

-Maybe you should!

-Oh, right, she's your... From Facebook. You're his...

-Yes.

-How did you even know I was here?

Have you been following me again?

No! He posted it on his page.

I may have updated my status.

You said you were going to unfriend her!

-I don't know how.

-Oh, it's so easy.

You just, you click on "Account" and then you click "Edit Friend"...

No, no, no, no. You are not going to become his IT person. Now go!

-But I'm still...

-Take it with you. Eat it for dinner. I don't give a shit. Just go.

-Or I'm going to call the cops, and you know I'll do it.

-OK, I'm going. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What?

Oh, it's just, you know,

we haven't been this close since we were in court.

Go!

I'll um... I'll just post how to unfriend me on your wall.

Thank you!

It's our fifth anniversary and there is no acknowledgement. None.

Nothing.

When you say "anniversary", what's it the anniversary of, exactly?

I mean, how do you figure it?

I go from the night it actually started.

I was at the People's Choice Awards,

Faith Hill had just won, like, Favourite Hair, or something equally important

and I just had to get out of there. So I snuck outside.

Luckily, I happened to have a joint in my bag.

-Put there by the marijuana elves?

-How great would that be?

-Anyway, I light up, and just then, who walks out?

-Merc.

-Yeah. Right.

And I'm like, "Oh, shit, it's my boss!" But he's totally cool.

And he goes, "Can I get a hit off that doobie?"

And I'm like, "Um, yeah, you can have a hit off that doobie."

It's like Bogart and Bacall.

-CAROL LAUGHS

-Anyway, we get pretty baked.

Then, after the show, we're both waiting for our cars

and his limo doesn't show up.

So he turns to me and goes, "Can I come in yours?"

And I just look him straight in the eye,

I still can't believe I said it,

and I go, "Oh, you can come in mine."

-Wow!

-Not exactly "you complete me", but...

-It was the best night ever.

And it's been five years and where the hell are we?

I mean, I know that he loves me, but so what? I always come second.

It's always on his terms.

And, yes, I know, I know, I know he's married and she's blind

and blah blah blah - but so what, you know?

When is it going to be my turn?

I just feel like I'm the only one making sacrifices here.

It's fine, it's all good. It's just... It's a little steep.

I come from flat...

It doesn't matter. Nothing's going to change.

Have you talked to him about any of this?

He's not so much with the talking.

And I'm not so much with the confrontation, so...

-Does he even know it's your anniversary?

-Probably not. Oh, God!

I am so pathetic!

Disagree with me.

Look, I'm just saying, you're in this relationship too.

You're allowed to ask for what you want.

-You probably won't get it, but you're allowed to ask.

-Maybe.

You want to keep going?

No.

Morning. How was everyone's weekend?

Oh, fairly uneventful.

Except... Oh, that's right, I met the infamous Labia!

Oh! You did not!

-Tell me.

-Seems perfectly normal. Sweet, pretty, young...tech-savvy.

Oh, yeah, she's the girl next door. If you live on Crazy Street!

-How long has she been stalking you?

-Probably, hmm, 15 years.

-15 years?!

-Yeah. I met her when she was like eight.

-She was one of those Make-A-Wish kids.

-Oh, my God!

-What?!

Friends was her favourite show

and her one last wish was she wanted Joey to take her to Disneyland.

So I took her to Disneyland. She was a great kid, very sweet, but then...

-..she didn't die.

-No!

-I know!

Look, don't get me wrong, it's a great organisation,

but they really should check this stuff out.

I mean, come on, Make-A-Wish, do your homework.

So, then?

So then she just kept living and living.

But she was still totally into me,

cards and e-mails and calling all the time.

I was nice about it at first,

but she started showing up places I was going to be.

-I had to get a restraining order.

-15 years.

And you never encouraged her at all?

Never. Like I said, I was nice.

How nice?

I slept with her once. Once!

Oh, God!

In retrospect, probably a bad idea,

but she was 18 and really cute -

once her hair grew back.

-I believe you will burn in hell.

-Ah, what are you going to do?

-I need to talk to you about something.

-Oh, OK.

Do you know what this weekend is?

Oh, fuck! It's your birthday.

My birthday is in January.

..anuary.

-Never mind.

-No, wait, wait, wait, wait, come here.

I'm sorry. Talk to me. What's this weekend?

Our fifth anniversary.

People's Choice Awards.

Yeah. Five years.

Five years!

And I try to be good. And I try to make it easy for you.

But I just, I just, I reach a point where I feel invisible.

Seriously, sometimes it's hard to remember why I'm even in this thing!

Sh, sh. OK, listen to me.

What?

What if I can get away this weekend?

What about Jamie?

I don't know, let me see what I can do.

Seriously?

Hey, it's our anniversary.

And definitely not your birthday.

Are you really going to try?

I really am.

SHE LAUGHS

Thank you.

Just knowing that is enough.

Really?

No! It's not enough!

Make it happen.

So, in about 85 yards,

it doglegs to the right.

Any traps?

Both sides. You want to send it right down the middle.

Nice!

-MOBILE RINGS

-Sorry, one sec.

-Hello?

-Hey, babe, bad news.

'What?'

I gotta go to New York this weekend.

No, why?

The big guns want to see me.

'It can't be good.'

We've got tickets for the Ahmanson. And Sunday's the lupus walk.

Ah, shit!

I can't say no to these guys.

No, I know, I just wish they'd give you a little notice.

-When do you have to go?

-'Friday afternoon.'

So you're going to miss the ballet too.

No! Of all the weekends.

It's not your fault.

MOBILE RINGS

Yo.

Merc has to go to New York this weekend!

How do you feel about 48 hours of dirty stuff?

You know I love the dirty stuff.

'I do.'

Oh, wait! I got the boys this weekend.

No!

Let me call Diane and see if she can switch.

Oh, God, wouldn't it be great? Two whole days, no sneaking around,

no checking our watches. We could go away!

Out-of-town dirty stuff!

Yeah.

There's a foursome coming. We should let them play through.

Where are you?

'Playing golf.'

No, seriously.

Seriously.

'You play golf?'

-Yeah.

-How do you know where the hole is?

Hey! I never ask you that question.

And the dirty stuff begins.

-PHONE RINGS

-Beverly Hills Travel.

'Hold for Merc Lapidus.'

'Bethany!'

Hi, sweetie. I was thinking about you. I love that talking-dog show,

-'it's hysterical.'

-It's not ours.

-Oh.

-Stop watching it.

Already did. What's up?

'I need something on short-notice.'

How short?

This weekend. I want Cabo. I want big, I want view,

I want right on the beach. Blow me away, I don't care what it costs.

OK, let me see what I can do. Flying out on Friday?

-'Right.'

-It's my birthday on Friday, you know

Ah, happy birthday.

Rona!

'It's Bethany's birthday on Friday.

'Send her a fucking something!'

The Stage just called.

What did the Stage say?

They said that Morning called in sick and she's going to be out all week.

How does she know in advance she's going to be sick all week?

You don't suppose this is because her part's been cut down?

Like what, a "silent protest" kind of thing?

It's not impossible.

Could you get her on the phone for us?

Who?

Who we were just talking about.

-Which part?

-What?

I wasn't really listening. Did you want me to listen?

That might be helpful.

OK...

-She still doesn't know who to call, does she?

-No.

What do you say to a weekend in Cabo?

Are you kidding?

Oh, my... (God!)

How did you do it?

You said make it happen, I made it happen.

Oh! I've got to start saying more shit.

Happy anniversary.

# We're going to Cabo

-# Cabo! Cabo! Cabo!

-Ch-ch-ch-ch-cha... #

MOBILE RINGS

-'Hey there.'

-What?

Do you think there's any way you could take the boys this weekend?

-No.

-It's just that...

-No.

-'Look, I...'

No! You're always saying you want to spend more time with the boys.

Maybe start with the time you're supposed to be with the boys.

-HORN BLARES

-Move, moron!

I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.

SHE SNIGGERS

Who is she?

'There's no "she".'

-Bullshit!

-Are they in the car with you?

They're watching SpongeBob FuckFace. They can't hear.

So what's so important?

You know Morning Randolph?

'No.'

She's on my show.

-I don't watch your show.

-'Seriously?'

It's opposite that talking dog.

If they change your time slot, I'll watch your show.

Wow.

'So, what about this Morning person?'

Er, she's really sick.

With what?

'They don't know but we're all trying to rally around her this weekend.'

And they can't rally without you?

I'm the star. I don't want to look like a dick.

Since when?

HORN BLARES

'It's still yellow, asshole! Go!'

I'm going to a spa with my sister this weekend.

-It's too late to get our money back.

-'I'll pay for your spa.'

Come on, please. Just help me out here.

SHE SIGHS

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

-I did it!

-Good for you.

Who is this?

Stop it. You know three people.

Oh, you should have seen me!

Oh! You would have been so proud.

I was... I was strong, I was assertive,

I was all, "Make it happen."

Seriously, to his face.

I actually said, "Make it happen."

And you know what? He made it happen!

Really? It works?

Uh-huh. We're going to Cabo.

I'm not even sure where the hell Cabo is.

But I don't fucking care, cos I "made it happen", see?

SHE LAUGHS

-Don't do voices.

-OK.

Oh, by the way... We may have a problem with Morning Randolph.

Oh, Jesus, what?

She's supposedly out sick.

But we think it might be about her part being cut down.

-Uh oh.

-Yeah, she's not answering her phone.

Sean's going over to her house to check it out.

Well, if it's a problem, just solve it. Do it.

Make it happen!

Not with me.

OK.

DOOR BUZZER

-Yes?

-Hi, it's Sean.

Oh, er...

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

What are you doing here? Why didn't you call?

We tried. You're not answering your phone.

Bev and I were worried about you, we wanted to see how you were feeling.

May I come in?

I may be contagious.

I'll take my chances. Please, open the door.

OK.

Hey you.

Why are you acting weird?

I'm not weird.

All right, look me in the eye and tell me that.

Everything's fine.

OK, it's not getting less weird.

All right, promise you won't freak out.

I promise.

Argh!

Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah.

Oh.

Beverly Hills Travel.

Bethany. Hi, it's Jamie Lapidus.

Oh, hi, sweetie. What's up?

I totally understand if it's too late but this weekend,

any chance of something fabulous in Napa?

Napa? So not Cabo?

Cabo? No, I'm sick of Cabo. I'm thinking Napa.

OK, let me see what I can do.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello.

How do you feel about Napa?

Love Napa.

Oh, good. I never get to go. Merc hates it.

How do you hate Napa?

He says, "Wine is bullshit."

Classy. So where are you now?

-In the car.

-Please tell me you're not driving.

SHE LAUGHS

I'm sure it's just swollen.

It'll come down.

It already came down. It's a cheek implant.

It's supposed to be up!

Oh. Well can't they fix it?

There's too much trauma to the tissue.

They can't go back in for at least two months.

Two fucking months like this!

Why did you even do it?

I thought it would help!

Help what?

I don't know. After last week, everything with the show...

Because we're giving more to the boys?

And less to the "old people".

Now I'm totally fucked!

No. No, you're not.

Bullshit!

How can you shoot this?!

We will make it work. Come on, it's Hollywood.

-Really?

-Really.

We'll find a way.

I promise.

Thank you.

You are so a sweetie!

See! I'm totally gross.

No, no, I was afraid to... Doesn't it hurt?

Are you kidding? I can't even feel my face.

I'm on so many painkillers, you could hit me with a hammer.

Here, poke it.

-I don't want to poke it.

-Go on, poke it.

It's fine. Poke it!

Did you poke it?

I did.

See what I mean? You don't have to worry.

Oh, good.

All right.

Hmm.

Oh.

Hmm.

All right.

All right. That's great, thank you.

OK.

Oh, ah. Oh, that's not necessary.

No. I want to.

OK.

She's coming out of make up now.

I thought you said it wasn't so bad.

It's definitely better.

She looks like a Picasso! And not in a good way.

We can't shoot that.

I promised her we'd try.

Holy crap!

Thank you.

-What, is she storing nuts for the winter?

-Seriously, we can't.

Then you tell her.

Is it terrible?

No.

It... it's not that bad.

No, I'm sure we can make it work.

-Really?

-Absolutely.

Um, why don't you er go over to the set and er...

so... so we can see it in the light?

OK.

Yeah, cos light's going to help!

PHONE RINGS

Beverly Hills Travel.

Er, Bethany.

Thank you for my lovely bath oil.

I cannot wait to go home and soak.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm a little confused here.

I'm looking at this stuff you sent over, it says Napa.

-Right.

-What are you talking about, "Right?"

Not Napa, Cabo.

But we changed it.

What are you talking about?

Well, er, Jamie said she was sick of Cabo, she wanted Napa.

Wait. You... You told Jamie?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-I'm sorry.

-I... Fuck!

Fuck you, Bethany! Fuck you and your big fucking mouth!

Um, I don't appreciate being spoken to like that.

Well then you're really going to hate this. Fuck you!

You've ruined my life! You stupid, cock-sucking, fucking fuck!

We gotta talk about last night.

-Last night?

-Our little moment.

What moment?

-Cheek.

-Cut!

-There was a moment.

-No moment.

-Cheek.

-Cut!

Sorry. I don't even know what moment you think was a moment.

-Cheek.

-Cut!

Oh!

-Cheek.

-Cut!

-Cheek.

-Cut!

-Cheek.

-Cut!

Cut!

You totally gave me a look.

I did not. No moment, no look.

Why don't we just cover her with a sheet?

You know what it means?

It means there was a look and it means there was a moment.

Fine.

Fine, whatever.

It's like Phantom Of The Opera with hair.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

Hi.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. Thanks a lot, Robyn.

-Oh, my God, we're really doing this!

-I know. Pretty great.

-You ready?

-Mm-hm.

Oh, yes, you are.

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, don't answer it. Let's just go.

-Don't answer it, don't answer it!

-Hello?

Or you can answer it.

So, I guess Bethany spoiled my little surprise.

-What?

-Oh, listen to you! "What?"

You know I'm taking you to Napa.

You're what?

Well, she told me you didn't want Cabo. That's fine.

Well, what happened to New York?

Oh, like you ever believed that!

You're taking me to Napa?

Yep, Napa.

That's how much I love you.

Oh, God!

Yay.

Yay.

Seriously, what the fuck?

I don't know. Let me find out what the fuck.

Beverly Hills Travel.

Bethany. Hi, it's Jamie.

Oh, I am so sorry.

He never told me it was going to be a surprise.

-Don't worry, it's all fine.

-Tell your husband that.

He called me a cock-sucking fucking fuck.

Well, he really hates Napa.

Huh, you think?!

-So, when did he first call you?

-Er, Monday.

I can't remember, but he was talking Cabo and how he wanted to go

it had to be short notice...

-What?

-That's what I thought, the reservation wasn't for me.

It's OK, honey. It wasn't your fault.

Hey, happy birthday, by the way.

SHE SOBS

Oh, shit!

I can't believe it.

I hate your fucking husband.

I know he's your fucking husband but I hate him.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

Thanks, Peter.

Sure.

Ah!

I have two more calls to make and then I am ready to...

No.

No.

-No!

-Yeah.

-What?!

-She found out about the trip.

I had to make her think it was for her and now,

we're going to fucking Napa!

Wow! Perfect!

So, you're celebrating our fifth anniversary

by taking your wife to Napa.

Does it help to know that I'm going to hate every minute of it?

No. It doesn't help.

I can't do this any more.

-Baby.

-No!

I can't.

No more.

I'm done.

So that's really it? Seriously?

Yep. I said it and I meant it.

I deserve better.

Good for you.

It took me five years to get here but that's it.

No more. Over and out.

Really?

Probably not.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd