Episode 4 Episodes

Am I totally confused, or are these ratings not good?

No, you're not confused at all.

-Do we pull it?

-And replace it with what?

I can feel the acid eating my stomach.

-Should we talk about what happened?

-(I had fun.)

Me too.

-I see no reason to feel guilty.

-Yeah, absolutely none.

-It's not like we're together.

-We're not together. We... We are...

..Not.

This programme contains strong language

GUNSHOT BLAST

Hello?

MERC: In here.

Oh. I'll come back.

No, no, it's OK. Come in.

Oh! Look at these numbers.

-I've seen them.

-No, no, look. Look.

(SIGHS)

They're terrible, I know.

Why don't we have a dance show?

You said there were enough dance shows. I can come back.

Every fucking dance show is killing us!

Who wants to watch other people dance?!

People will watch anything.

Obviously not.

I don't have one goddamn night that's working. Not one!

All my new shows are tanking. Why?

I don't know.

And Pucks! What the hell happened to Pucks?

Research is all over it. We'll fix it.

I look at these ratings, it's like 9/11.

It's not like 9/11.

It's like watching the Towers fall.

It's nothing like that.

This is my Ground Zero.

By the way, this is not better than your Holocaust analogy.

Look, we will recover from this.

Everything is cyclical.

We will laugh about this some day.

-Not if we make a show out of it.

-Listen to me.

We will come back stronger than ever.

What if we don't?

What if this is the time it just keeps getting worse?

I liked being on top.

Oh, I know you did.

You'll be on top again.

Will I?

Oh, baby!

It's going to be OK. I promise.

WATER SPLASHES IN TOILET

-Jesus!

-What?

Our numbers from last night.

Oh, we go down again?

Not just down. It's like a fucking bungee jump.

Oh, shit!

Oh, man.

You know what just keeps going up? That fucking talking dog show.

-You know, I could've been on...

-Jesus Christ, let it go!

I'm just saying.

-Oh, I've got a message for you.

-Yeah?

Some woman friended me on Facebook.

She said she needs to get back in touch.

-You're on Facebook?

-Uh-uh.

-What's her name?

It's actually an odd one.

-Oh shit, is it Labia?

-Yes!

Is that really how it's pronounced? It's not 'Lah-bia' or 'La-bee-a'?

-Nope, Labia.

-As in?

-Labia.

Since when are you on Facebook?

-A couple of months.

-She's my stalker.

Facebook. Wow!

He's got a stalker named Labia and that's what you're focusing on?

It's, like, Hungarian or Polish or some shit.

I'm just surprised. We always made fun of people on Facebook.

They wore me down. Pretty much everyone's on it.

Your mother's on Facebook.

My mother's on Facebook?

-We're Facebook friends.

-You and my mother?

You're not real-life friends.

I like her better this way. You can't hear her.

Listen, you've got to un-friend her. Seriously.

She's a fucking nut-bag! But you saw her picture, she's pretty hot, huh?

And that's important in a stalker?

It's important period.

-You need us?

-Your 11:00 pitch meeting with the network is now.

-Hey, Matt.

-Hey.

-OK, off we go.

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Off we go!

All right, the first story is a bit of a road trip for Lyman and Nicola.

Fun!

It's Nicola's sister's wedding, but there's a huge blizzard and no planes are flying.

-Uh oh!

-Nicola's car is buried under a mountain of snow,

so Lyman offers to drive her in his truck.

Can I just jump in? Quick thought.

What if, instead of Nicola's sister getting married,

it's one of the boys' sisters?

-That's fun.

-Mmm.

Well, that would be a very different story.

Yeah, it's just a way to get all the boys in there.

Why are all the boys going to this wedding?

What if it's not a wedding?

Right. What if it's, like, a big game they don't want to miss?

A big game in a blizzard?

Why does it even have to snow?

Yes, why is there ever weather, really?

So, now Lyman's taking the boys to a big game?

Look, obviously none of us are writers.

BOTH: Obviously.

But what if the boys take Lyman's truck without his permission?

Ooh, that's nice and stakesy.

So the only part of our story that's left is there's a truck?

What if there's not?

All right, stop. Just...

Stop.

Tell us what is going on?

OK, er... It's the ratings.

You said not to worry about them.

Yeah, you can start now.

I see.

But, hold on, there is good news.

Our research says there is a core teenage audience

that's really connecting with the boys, especially Stoke.

Stoke.

Stoke can't even act, he's mostly hair.

-They like the hair.

-It's hot hair.

-Mmm.

So, now we can focus on what's actually working.

We just need to concentrate more on the boys and less on...

Matt and Morning.

You realise that would change the show.

Everything we've got is geared towards Matt.

-Matt is the show. We'd have to throw it all out.

-No, no, no!

We're not saying everything.

Just shift the focus a little. Scooch it over a bit.

Scooch it?

Give it a scooch!

It may be just a matter of tweaks.

Tweaks?

And scooches.

"Relax, we're not going to get caught."

-"That's cos we're not going."

-"Or you could grow a pair."

"My having testicles doesn't stop this from being stupid."

-THEY LAUGH

-DIRECTOR: "Coach Lyman enters."

-"Has anyone seen the keys to my truck?"

-"What do they look like?"

"One of them looks like a young Richard Chamberlain(!)"

"They look like keys."

"Sorry, Coach, haven't seen them."

"I'm losing my mind."

"Lyman exits."

-"He's totally going to find out."

-"No way."

"He's going to be all weekend at that conference.

"He's not back till Monday."

"You sure?"

"He's gone the whole time."

"OK, if we're going to do this thing, we've got to leave now."

"The pageant's over in, like, an hour."

"When we get there, that hotel will be filled

"with one winner and 49 depressed and insecure girls,

"and they'll need help with their self-esteem.

LAUGHTER

"It doesn't bother you that we're emotional predators taking advantage of their pain?"

"No.

"Come on! 49 hot girls. We're talking pageant contestant hot.

LAUGHTER

This is going to be fun.

He just kept turning pages and looking.

-Oh no, he was counting, I definitely saw him counting.

-Ready?

(SIGH) No.

-MATT: Hey!

-You wanted to see us?

Yeah, come on in.

So, today was fun.

-It was.

-I thought it was...

-Good.

-It was just... It had so much...

-You were good.

-Very pleased.

-Mmm.

I got to see how the audience experiences it. That was different.

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

Right, well...

This is a tricky episode,

what with the boys going off on their little adventure.

Yeah. I noticed it didn't leave a lot of adventure for me.

Which was weird. Or, as you say, "tricky".

THEY SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME

-I could see that.

-No, that's a point.

-Definitely.

So, what are we going to do?

Er, about?

About me not speaking between pages three and 24.

Really? Is it that many?

-Uh huh!

-Three and 24...

-Wow.

You don't notice it when you are there.

-You're so present.

-You have presence.

-OK, how about this?

What if I go on their little adventure with them?

Well, that wouldn't quite make sense.

The whole point is they're stealing your truck.

Also, I'm not sure the boys would want to go with you.

Yeah, I could see that.

Except you're making them up!

You can make them want to go with me. Huh?

Look, the episode is working.

I wish you were in it more, I really do,

but I don't think that's a reason to start dismantling the whole thing.

I agree.

OK.

Yeah?

You're right, it works. Let's not screw it up.

Oh, thank you.

Just promise I'm going to be heavy in next week's show.

Erm...

Erm...

-Oh, Jesus.

-What?

-I get it.

-What? What, what, what do you get?

This is your little revenge.

For what happened with the three of us.

What?!

Well, that is pretty shitty!

Seriously, could you maybe be less professional?!

-That is not what this is.

-Bullshit!

-It's not us.

-It's coming from the network.

-Oh!

Oh.

I really wish it was you guys.

They're trying to appeal to a younger demographic.

They want us to refocus the show on the boys

and less on you and Morning.

Wow!

I'm sorry.

Hmm, me too.

So, er... Where are you guys?

Do you want to do a show about a bunch of hockey kids?

We didn't want to do a show about a hockey coach.

They think Stoke is a break-out star.

Which one's Stoke?

With the hair? Oh!

It always comes down to the fucking hair!

They have numbers and research...

-Research said Joey was going to be a hit.

-Joey was a hit!

-Joey was terrific, in many ways.

-You were good.

It's just there was less...

(SIGHS) OK.

Not to be an asshole about it but this is not what I signed up for.

I don't need to get paid to watch other people act.

Totally understand.

And now, to be an asshole about it, are you fucking kidding me?!

I'm the only one on this whole fucking show anyone's ever heard of!

-Morning...

-Yeah, right(!) What's she done?

-Morning?

-Oh, she did that...

-Morning did...

-Er...

-This is bullshit! They want less of me?! On PUCKS?!

On fucking Pucks?! I'm not good enough for this piece of shit show?!

-You're angry, it's OK.

-Let it out, otherwise you'll get sick.

-Does Merc know about this?!

-What do you think?

-Jesus! Fuck!

-I'm going to fight this.

-Fine, do it.

You've got the relationship.

This is not the way this is going to go down. This is not OK!

Urgh!

(PANTS)

Shit!

-Yup.

-Unbelievable.

-Mmm-hmm.

-How can they do this? You're Joey!

-Right?

And I'm Kelly!

-Huh?

-Kelly? I'm Kelly Girl?

-OK.

I hate this fucking business.

I brought hors d'oeuvres.

And you think you don't have a problem.

Who said I don't have a problem?

BEVERLEY LAUGHS

Where do you even get it? Do you have like a dealer or...

A dealer?! No!

That sounds so druggy.

I have a prescription.

Why?

So I don't need a dealer.

There's this doctor

and you just have to tell him you're having trouble sleeping.

-Are you having trouble sleeping?

-No.

Oh, I so need this today.

Matt was furious.

You told him?

Course we told him. He's not stupid.

Well, hopefully he realises it's all for the good of the show.

-Oh, my God!

-What?

You turned into work Carol.

-You always say that. That's so not true.

-You should hear yourself,

your voice changes, you become brutally pleasant.

Then don't fucking talk about work!

And we're back.

Ha ha(!) Did you remember to say no salami?

Oh, God, sorry.

It's OK. I'll just pick it out.

Sean hates chickpeas. Doesn't even like to touch them.

I always had to pick them out of his salad.

That's a weird thing to be nostalgic about.

I know.

So, how are things? You guys seem fine when I'm with you.

We are fine. At work it's almost normal.

We're just like we used to be. Minus all the good bits.

Aw...

I miss touching him. Feeling him hold me.

-It's like with me and Merc.

-Not yet.

-OK.

I miss talking with him, I mean really talking.

Some days I feel like I don't know him at all. He's on Facebook!

-Right.

-You knew this?

Yeah. We're Facebook friends.

Apparently I don't know YOU so well, either.

Ooh! You want to see his Facebook page?

This is my page.

-1,642 friends. You ARE popular!

-I know!

OK.

Here's Sean's page.

-He's got 137 friends.

-Not so popular.

Huh.

What?

An old girlfriend of his.

Ooh, pretty.

In a fat, stupid way.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

I didn't even know they were in touch.

What's 'information'?

Basic stuff. Your birthday, where you're from, relationship status...

-Seriously, let's just turn this off.

-It's all right. I want to see.

I'm sure it still says married. Why even...

'It's complicated.'

Well...

I suppose it is.

-Morning.

-Hey. Can I see you for a sec?

What's this?

I felt bad that I never gave you a birthday present.

Oh, I definitely feel like you gave me something.

-Well, I also got you this.

-Oh. You really didn't need to.

Ah, perfect. We writers do love our pens.

Look, I had it engraved.

'YCOMT'.

'You Came On My Tits.'

-That is true.

-I thought it'd be tacky

-to have it all written out.

-You made the right call.

Plus they charge by the letter, so...

Ah, frugal and filthy. Well, thank you.

-You could use it while writing next week's script.

-Definitely.

And hopefully you'll think of me.

How could I not?

Exactly.

I always forget about this place.

Didn't we come here years ago with Jeff Saklow from Fox?

Yeah. Yeah, he brought that hooker with the boob that kept falling out.

Ha-ha! Right.

He ended up marrying her, you know.

Wait, that's Tracy?

I guess I never looked at her face.

Because it didn't have a nipple on it.

Hey, look who's here.

-The penne still great?

-Always.

Oh, shit. Just give me a spinach salad. No egg, no bacon,

dressing on the side and a knife so I can kill myself.

I'll have the penne.

-You prick.

-HE LAUGHS

So, talk to me.

What's going on?

Well, I don't know if you know, but they're saying Pucks needs to be

more about the kids and less about me.

-That's nuts!

-They said it's coming from you.

Well, not just me.

Look, we're only trying to do what we can to help the show.

And you think less of me will help the show?

I've got to listen to the fucking research.

You don't have an opinion of your own?

Eh...

Look, you know why I did this show?

-Because I gave you a shit load of money?

-No.

I didn't need to do this thing. I came back because you asked me to.

-With a shit load of money.

-Forget the money.

You said you had a show for me. You asked me as a personal favour.

You said the network needed me.

(SIGHS) You're right. You're absolutely right.

-I know.

-I hired you to be the star of a show.

-It's not fair of us to switch it up now.

-Thank you.

The trouble is, the show we hired you for?

It's not working.

So here's the question.

Do you want to be one of the actors on a show that's on the air,

or the star of something that gets cancelled?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hey. I just wanted to give you a heads-up. I'm quitting the show.

What?

I'm calling Merc La Penis now.

I'm also going to tell him I'm screwing his wife.

And after that, I'm going to tell him again!

All right, listen to me.

-La Penis!

-'Are you listening?'

-Yeah, what?

-Do not do anything till I get there. Where are you?

Right, the phone stays in your pocket. Do nothing.

HE LAUGHS

La Penis. That's...

MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

We've got a problem.

Just tell me you haven't called him yet.

-Who?

-Did you call Merc?

No.

No, put the phone away.

Put it away. Put it...

You do not want to do this!

Oh, I want to do it.

People do not hire people who walk out on shows.

-Do you ever want to work again?

-I don't care.

Listen to me.

Sorry. I hate to be a douche, but could I get an autograph?

It's just... Huge fan.

Sure thing.

Er...

Sorry.

-What's your name?

-Dennis.

'Dennis, you are not a douche.'

HE GIGGLES

There you go. Bye-bye.

Thanks, man.

-Fancy.

-A gift from Morning.

'Y-C-O-M-T'. 'You Came On My Tits'?

Yes! How did you know?

What else could it be?

Sorry I'm late. I had trouble getting in.

-Why?

-Because I'm not 22.

I was just trying to tell Matt

why it would be a mistake for him to leave the show.

And I was saying I don't give a shit. There, you're all caught up.

-I'd love a whiskey.

-Sure.

Need I even ask? Right.

(Come here.)

You can't quit.

I'm too old, I'm too rich, and I've been doing this too long.

I don't need this shit!

You're right, you don't.

-Thank you.

-You realise if you leave, there is no show.

What about the boys?

They couldn't carry your bag, let alone a TV series.

No argument from me.

Look, you don't owe me anything,

but if this thing goes down, we go back to London.

So?

If we go back now, that's it, we're done.

As long as we're here, I still have a chance.

Don't quit yet.

Please.

Bev?

Andrew!

-Oh, my God! How are you?

-Great!

This is Matt LeBlanc.

Andrew Lesley. Andrew used to be our PA.

Now he's a big time screenwriter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've met.

Oh, fuck! Andrew!

-Sean! Hey.

-Oh.

OK.

How have you been?

Well, I'm positively drowning in meetings.

-Oh, fatally?

-It's insane.

It's only my first movie,

and suddenly it's like I'm the only one in town who can write one.

That IS insane.

Paramount's over the moon.

Are you sitting down? They're letting me direct the next one.

You're directing?!

-The next one?!

-I know! It's mad!

BOTH: Yes!

How are you all? How's the show going?

No complaints.

-We're on the air.

-I know, I saw it.

Well, it's very different from what we did before.

Very different.

We're still pleased with it.

Aah, that's nice.

I'm going to hit him.

-DIRECTOR: Picture up. On a bell!

-BELL RINGS

Action!

Hey, you know what we should do?

Before we bring Coach's truck back,

we should paint it a slightly different colour

and see if he notices.

-Repaint the truck?

-Yeah.

-Why?

-It'd be funny.

That's not funny, that's just weird.

"Is it beige? Is it ecru?" That's not a joke.

-What's ecru?

-It's a colour.

-Ecru's a colour?

-Yeah, it's like taupe.

-Taupe?

-Taupe.

How do you know this?

Er, not to stereotype, but two gay dads?

Never taught me to throw a ball, but I do know ecru and taupe.

Hey! Less talking, more skating.

And cut!

Good work today, everyone.

Erm... before everyone leaves,

Mr LeBlanc here has been generous enough to book the rink for us

for the rest of the day. Free skates and hot chocolate, whatever you want.

CREW: All right!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, see you tomorrow.

You're not staying to skate?

Oh, please, skate?!

Are you forgetting Zurich?

I distinctly recall being peeled off the ice with a spatula.

Oh, come on, everyone's staying.

I promise there'll be no kamikaze Swiss children taking you down.

'50s DOO-WOP MUSIC PLAYS

-You're such a baby!

-I am not a baby!

I just don't understand the appeal of trying to balance on a floor

made of ice with two knives strapped to my shoes, waiting to fall down,

which you know will happen. At which point I will be thrown into the path

of a bunch of people, many of whom don't like me,

also with knives on their shoes.

-You ready?

-Fine.

Big, big, baby. All right, now let go. Come on. I've got you.

Now the other one.

There you go, that's it.

(LAUGHS)

There you go, just try to relax.

OK?

Good. Right, I'm just going to come round here.

There you go. Look at you, skating.

-Mm-hmm. Now can I stop?

-No.

Woah! (LAUGHS)

There you go.

-Got you, it's OK. Just relax.

-I am.

-That's it, relax.

-OK.

There you go. Very nice. See?

How's that?

Better.

THEY LAUGH

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd