Episode 3 Episodes

Jamie Lapidus gave me a handjob last night. ..I had to tell you!

Hope this is OK. I was dropping something off.

-How did Sean like the watch?

-I didn't want to put him on the spot

so I had a PA put it in his car.

SHE CLUCKS

Al the camera guy saw you making out with Morning last week.

-Should we talk about what happened?

-I had fun.

-Me, too.

-That's it?

-Pretty much. See you tomorrow.

SHOTGUN BLAST

LILTING RINGTONE

I should probably get that.

I totally disagree.

Sorry.

Hello?

No, actually I'm...in the car.

Why?

Oh, my God.

When?

Does Merc know?

OK. Tell him I'll meet him at home.

All right, bye.

-That was my assistant. Merc's father died.

-Jesus.

-That sucks.

-Well, he's been in a coma for the last month, so... I guess it's kind of a blessing.

Still... I'm really sorry.

-I should go.

-Like...this minute?

Seriously, my husband's father just died.

No, absolutely, but...

it's not like you can bring the old guy back.

And isn't this really a time to celebrate the living?

-You're making a really plaintive face right now, aren't you?

-I am.

And you should see what this guy's doing. It would break your heart.

Ohhh...

There you go.

'What's another word for cock?'

-What's wrong with "cock"?

-You can't say "cock" on TV here.

No? Hmm. How about "prick"?

-Nope.

-Seriously? No "prick"?

-No "prick".

-How about "dick"?

-No.

-"Knob"?

-I don't think so.

-"Meat missile".

"Meat missile"?!

That's what the nuns called it.

Hey...

What do you call a cock?

A cock.

Right. Anything else? Something we can say on television.

-Noodle.

-Noodle?

-That's what I call my boyfriend's.

-Wow. He sounds quite the stud.

-He's on anti-depressants.

Oh, sorry.

-Is that it?

-Actually, you came in here.

Oh, yeah. The network called. They want to move the table read to tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? Why?

-Merc Lapidus' father died and they all have to go to the funeral today.

Oh, that's sad. OK, well, just let the stage know.

OK.

Do you want to send something? Like flowers or something?

-Er...should we?

-I dunno.

-Maybe.

-We could call Carol and ask. Could you get us Carol?

-Huh?

Carol.

OK.

-I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

-You've met him. The gloomy chap with the disappointing dong.

-Dong.

-Good idea!

-Carol Rance on two!

- (BOTH) Hi, Carol! - 'Hold for Carol, please.'

- 'Hi, guys!' - (BOTH) Hi, Carol!

Hope we didn't mess you up too much.

-No, that's fine. We're just sorry about Merc's father.

-'I know.'

Don't get old. And if you do, don't have a stroke.

We were just wondering, should we send flowers or something?

Flowers are always nice, but you shouldn't feel obligated.

Really.

'Sorry for the chewing.'

Phil Rosenthal sent Merc this ginormous condolence spread from Zabar's in New York. Ohh!

-'I swear, the bagels were still warm.'

-So people are sending food?

-'No, not everybody.'

A few people sent platters, a muffin basket is always nice,

but honestly don't feel any pressure. My God! They just brought in a turkey the size of a Prius.

I hate it when people die. I get so fat.

"What better way to remember a friend or loved one

"than this thoughtful bereavement basket overflowing with scrumptious mini muffins,

"decadent chocolate brownies, butter toffee pretzels and snickerdoodle cookies,

"wrapped in cellophane and tied with a tasteful black bow?

"The entire family will appreciate your gesture of peace and sympathy.

"Caution: this product may contain nuts."

-What's up?

-Trying to decide what to send Merc.

-Smart. Can I get in on that?

-Sure.

-What are you thinking?

-Carol suggested a muffin basket.

-She's an idiot. Muffins went out, like, 10 years ago.

-Can I leave?

-Yeah.

Not for the day, though.

Oh.

-So if not a muffin basket...?

-We should cater a whole dinner.

-A whole dinner? For how many?

-I don't know. 50, 75. They probably have a ton of people at their house.

-Doesn't that seem excessive?

-If our ratings were great, we could send cat piss and a bag of Doritos.

-Mmm!

-But with our numbers, we can't be the cheap assholes who sent the shitty little muffin basket.

-So we're catering a dinner for 75 people?!

-What happened to "somebody dies, dig a hole, bury them"?

It's like dealing with cave people.

It's just so hard.

I should be with him today. His father died.

-I know.

-'I should he holding him and comforting him.'

I should be helping him pick out a casket. You KNOW I would be better at it than she is,

which I realise isn't saying a lot.

-Well, you get to see him at the funeral, no?

-'Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.'

KNOCK Oh, God. I've got to hear a pitch.

Some guy's got a TV movie about his father's triumph over autism.

It's supposed to be inspiring. I am SO not in the mood!

'Bye.'

-Look familiar?

-Weirdly, yes.

I gave them some pictures of our first flat to use as inspiration.

-Oh, my God.

-Just imagine a brick wall there and the smell of curry!

My ex-wife calling and hanging up.

Ah, good times.

They were.

Hey... bad news on the catering thing.

We're too late. Mark Burnett's doing tonight from the Grill. Tomorrow, Universal is sending deli.

-And some asshole from Warner Bros took Friday.

-We're back to muffins?

-We were never on muffins! Anyway, I called Jamie and asked if she had any ideas.

-Jamie who?

Lapidus.

What?

-What?

-That look.

-What look?

-No look.

We've been... kinda seeing each other.

-Who?

-Me and Jamie. Well, I've been seeing her. She hasn't seen...

-Blind jokes? Really?

-Hey, she makes 'em!

-Oh, my God! You and Jamie Lapidus?

-For how long?

-A few weeks.

-Started the night of our premiere.

-She gave me a handjob during the screening.

-A handjob?!

-During our show?

-Relax. It's not like she was watching it.

-I was sitting right next to you.

-Gotta say - her side, much better.

-You really are horrifying. What is it with you and other people's wives?

-Yeah, yeah.

-He's been all over me for that.

-Well...

ALARM BUZZES

Anyway, I spoke to Jamie and there's a couple of charities they suggest people make donations to.

-That's better than catering. What charities?

-One helps homeless people get tattoos removed.

-That is the stupidest cause ever.

-I think it's for gang tattoos, stuff that stops them getting jobs.

ALARM BUZZES

-What was the other thing?

-Canadian geese.

-What about them?

-I don't know!

-Ah!

It doesn't matter. These are the ones they picked. We just say, "Look, money!"

-ALARM BUZZES

-This is the worst chase scene ever.

How big a donation are we talking? Like a hundred?

-No. Who are you people? It's got to be at least a grand.

-What?!

-1,000?! For geese?!

-And will they even know how much we're giving?

-The geese?

-Merc and his family.

-I don't know, but in case they do know, we've got to give a lot.

ALARM BUZZES

- I'm just going to check the back. - Sure.

Hey, you guys! Do we all want to go to this funeral together?

-We weren't planning on going.

-Everybody's going.

-Who's everybody?

-From all the shows on the network.

-Oh, shit. Really?

-I'm getting texts.

-Carol didn't say anything about it.

-Duh! They never say it.

-It's the right thing to do.

-You didn't say that when my Aunt Harriet died.

-She didn't run a network.

Hey. OK, that was my agent. I've got to go to this fucking funeral.

-Thank you.

-He also said a charitable donation is too impersonal.

-So now what?

-Jerry Bruckheimer donated a dialysis machine to Cedars in Merc's father's name.

-Jesus!

-I know, but he's a partner in some dialysis company so he gets them at cost.

-Wow. David Kelley and Michelle Pfeiffer are planting a tree.

-Oh, those fuckers!

-Wow.

-What do you think?

-You look like you're on the news.

-Thank you(!)

-The rental car company sent this over. It was under the seat when you turned the car in.

-We don't have time for extensions?

-No.

-Oh, well. OK. Just...

Oh, my God. Don't you love this sofa?

-Ooh, very nice. Shopping for a sofa?

-No, I'm just really into catalogues. I could read 'em all day.

-So you count this as reading?

-It's got words.

-Ha.

-What?

-Look familiar?

-The chair?

-Uh-huh.

-I don't think so.

-Isn't that the one Sean has in his bedroom?

I can't help you. I've never actually been in Sean's bedroom.

Oh.

Hey.

Ooh, nice.

-Did I give you that?

-No, you did not!

-I gave out a bunch last year.

-It's a vintage Breitling.

-Yeah. If you want a few more, let me know.

-Will do.

-Oh, man. This is going to be weird at this thing today.

-Being with Jamie in front of Merc.

-But easier than the last time, with no orgasms.

-You've never been with a blind girl, right?

-No!

-It's good.

-You don't have to suck in the gut.

-There's a bonus.

-I went out with this deaf chick. Smoking hot.

But it was a little weird when she'd do the dirty talk. She was like, "Fuck me."

-Stop!

-I'm just saying. "Fuck me. Put your finger in my ass."

-Ssh! Just shush.

-"I like..."

-Shush!

-"If you..."

-Ah! Look at you two!

-Very nice.

-Hey!

We all clean up pretty good. We should do something fun after.

You're assuming the funeral won't be fun.

-I think I got you in trouble.

-What?

-I put my foot in it.

Hello?

My friend Carrie just got to the cemetery. She says it's packed.

-Hm.

-When we get there, just make sure Merc sees you. And it wouldn't hurt if you could cry a little.

-Are you serious?

-I probably will cry thinking about when my parents die.

-Do you ever think about that? I do, all the time.

-How old are they?

-My mom's 91 and Dad's 93.

How is that even possi...? Oh, right.

I never think about me dying. Do you guys?

More so lately.

Do you think if you died the other Friends would come to your funeral?

Yeah, I think they'd come.

-Even Jennifer?

-Yeah, even Jennifer.

God, can you imagine the press? All of you together again.

-Well, not YOU.

-Right. Cos I'd be dead.

-Sure, but still...

-Still...I'd be dead.

I hope I'm still famous when I die.

Kinda playing fast and loose with the word "famous", no?

-When I first got out here I went to Orson Welles' funeral.

-Really? You knew Orson Welles?

-Nah.

My publicist got me in. I couldn't believe I was there.

It was like a real Hollywood funeral. Jimmy Stewart, Bob Hope,

Bette Davis. The biggest fucking coffin you ever saw. That guy was huge!

I'm standing next to this woman. She's, like, in her 50s, sort of looks familiar.

No one's paying any attention to her. Turns out it's Gloria Haywood.

-Who's Gloria Haywood?

-Exactly!

We started talking and she's had this amazing life.

A big affair with Bing Crosby. She won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in 1950.

35 years later, no one knows who the fuck she is.

We went out for a drink and ended up back at her apartment, this shitty little two-room place off Fountain.

She had this ratty dog who watched us screwing all afternoon.

It was my first celebrity fuck.

-Hm.

-I just remember thinking, "Well, at least now someone will remember you."

A couple of years ago I googled her to see if she was still alive.

Turns out someone called Josephine Hull won the Oscar in 1950.

-So who was Gloria Haywood?

-Hell if I know! Some nutjob who gave me crabs!

-She gave you crabs?

-Mm-hm.

But...I learned a valuable lesson that day.

-How to get rid of crabs?

-Yep. It's come in handy more than once.

-Ah!

-Hey, I can't believe he's gone.

I know. It's the end of an era.

-What are you doing?! Put those away! If he sees you!

-I know, but...

I just got a text from a friend. Matthew Broderick fell out of his NBC deal this morning.

-His people are shopping him around.

-I don't care. There's a time and place...

-Matthew Broderick!

-Ferris Bueller? The Producers?

-Inspector Gadget.

First of all, I already know this. I have a call in to the agent.

More important, today is not about work. Merc's father died.

-We have to be here for him.

-I totally hear you.

-Sorry.

-Yeah, sorry.

What got up her ass?

Thanks so much for coming. It means a lot.

Wow. Nice turnout.

OK, there's Merc. Let's do this.

You're here!

-How could we not be?

-Matty. My pop's gone.

-I'm sorry, man.

-I still can't believe it.

-I bet he was really proud of you.

-He was. And, you know,

-we didn't speak for, like, 12 years.

-When was this?

-Oh, long time ago.

-Caught him cheating on my mom.

-Wow.

So I called the IRS on him, told them how he was cooking his books and he was indicted.

-Jeez.

-Every family has their stuff.

Hey, you!

- You met him, didn't you? - Just once. He was a sweetie.

- Didn't he grab your ass? - He was so full of life!

Not so much any more. Hey!

You got one job - to keep her from falling in the goddamned hole!

Sorry.

Anyway, I'm so glad you're all here. It really means the world to me.

And you two - all the way from London.

-We're so sorry.

-My father loved England. It was his favourite country.

-Really?

-He said it was like Europe, but in English.

-That's our slogan.

You still make me laugh, even on a day like today.

Well...

Excuse me. Ah! You're here...

See you by the hole.

I'll just say a quick hello to Carol.

-What were you trying to say to me?

-I didn't know Beverly's never been to your apartment.

-This is important why?

-I was talking about a chair in your bedroom.

-OK.

-Oh!

-I'm really sorry. I wasn't even thinking.

Don't apologise. You did nothing wrong.

-Well...

-No. You were allowed to be there. It's not like I was cheating.

-I guess.

-Yeah, we're separated. I can do whatever I want. I'm perfectly within my rights.

-Why do you sound guilty?

-Because I am.

-So sorry.

-Thank you.

Hey...

-You're here.

-You holding up OK?

-I've probably hugged 400 people already!

-Let's make it 401.

-Sounds good to me.

So sorry for your loss.

-(I wanna kiss your neck.)

-Mmm.

(You feel so good.)

And now it's too long.

He's in a better place.

How are you?

-Hello again.

-William Shatner's here.

-The real William Shatner?

-The real William Shatner!

-Please tell me you didn't do your impression.

-Inside I was like,

-"You Klingon bastard! You killed my son!"

-Stop it! Today is sad enough.

-Oh, by the way, thank you so much for this.

-You're welcome. Happy birthday.

-Sorry. I just got it today.

-Ah. I was wondering when you didn't say anything.

-I thought maybe I'd got the wrong thing.

-God, no. I love it. It's perfect.

Oh.

What?

-What time do you have?

-Quarter to. Why?

-It's 20 minutes behind.

-Oh, did I not mention it's a piece of shit?

-Put that in the card.

I'll get it fixed.

So...

-Hm?

-Morning was saying something about a conversation she had with you...

-Yep.

..where she mentioned to you that, um...she'd been in my apartment.

-You don't owe me any explanation.

-I really don't.

-I just said that. And I believe she said bedroom.

Right. Yeah, bedroom, yeah.

-But since you brought it up...

-Yeah.

-This was when?

-On my birthday.

So you weren't alone? Good, good.

-For what it's worth, I was only with her the one time.

-Mm.

So you were actually...with her... with her? I assumed, but...

I w-was with her.

I was with her. I was with her. With her I was. I can't stop!

Try!

-So just to clarify...

-Yeah. Go.

-This wasn't something that was going on back when...

-Right.

-..I thought there might be something going on?

-No.

-Cos I was thinking,

-"Mmm! Maybe I wasn't so crazy."

-No, you were.

-Oh, good.

-So I see no reason to feel guilty.

-Absolutely none.

-After what happened with you and...

-Yes. I totally agree.

-It's not like we're even together.

-No. We're not together. We, we are...not.

If everyone is ready, it's time to begin.

What's wrong?

No, it's silly.

Tell me.

I just always assumed that...

that when I died you'd be there.

Or if you died, I'd be there.

Now I'm thinking

who knows? Maybe not.

Oh.

Told you it was silly.

It's OK. He had a full life.

There's an old Hebrew proverb.

Say not in grief he is no more,

but live in thankfulness that he was.

I know everyone here today is thankful that Leo Lapidus touched our lives.

For 49 years he was a devoted husband to our Selma,

he was a loving father to Mindy and to Merc and he adored his grandchildren - Sam, Tess, Emma,

Brett and Rose. But he'd trade you all in a heartbeat for an eight handicap.

It's OK. It's all right to laugh. Leo wanted to leave us laughing.

May his memory endure among us as a blessing.

RABBI SINGS IN HEBREW

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

I'm so sorry! I thought it was turned off.

Who was it? Everyone is here.

- Matthew Broderick's agent. - That fucker didn't come?

- I'll tell you later. - What? Tell me now.

Broderick's available.

Seriously?

NBC couldn't close the deal.

(Get him back.)

Now?!

Hold for Merc Lapidus.

Sorry. This is important.

Yeah. Merc. Right.

RESUMES SINGING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd