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Episode 3

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Transcript


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Jamie Lapidus gave me a handjob last night. ..I had to tell you!

0:00:030:00:08

Hope this is OK. I was dropping something off.

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-How did Sean like the watch?

-I didn't want to put him on the spot

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so I had a PA put it in his car.

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SHE CLUCKS

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Al the camera guy saw you making out with Morning last week.

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-Should we talk about what happened?

-I had fun.

-Me, too.

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-That's it?

-Pretty much. See you tomorrow.

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SHOTGUN BLAST

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LILTING RINGTONE

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I should probably get that.

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I totally disagree.

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Sorry.

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Hello?

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No, actually I'm...in the car.

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Why?

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Oh, my God.

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When?

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Does Merc know?

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OK. Tell him I'll meet him at home.

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All right, bye.

0:02:010:02:03

-That was my assistant. Merc's father died.

-Jesus.

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-That sucks.

-Well, he's been in a coma for the last month, so... I guess it's kind of a blessing.

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Still... I'm really sorry.

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-I should go.

-Like...this minute?

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Seriously, my husband's father just died.

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No, absolutely, but...

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it's not like you can bring the old guy back.

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And isn't this really a time to celebrate the living?

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-You're making a really plaintive face right now, aren't you?

-I am.

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And you should see what this guy's doing. It would break your heart.

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Ohhh...

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There you go.

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'What's another word for cock?'

0:03:060:03:10

-What's wrong with "cock"?

-You can't say "cock" on TV here.

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No? Hmm. How about "prick"?

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-Nope.

-Seriously? No "prick"?

-No "prick".

-How about "dick"?

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-No.

-"Knob"?

0:03:230:03:25

-I don't think so.

-"Meat missile".

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"Meat missile"?!

0:03:280:03:31

That's what the nuns called it.

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Hey...

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What do you call a cock?

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A cock.

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Right. Anything else? Something we can say on television.

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-Noodle.

-Noodle?

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-That's what I call my boyfriend's.

-Wow. He sounds quite the stud.

-He's on anti-depressants.

0:03:460:03:51

Oh, sorry.

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-Is that it?

-Actually, you came in here.

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Oh, yeah. The network called. They want to move the table read to tomorrow.

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-Tomorrow? Why?

-Merc Lapidus' father died and they all have to go to the funeral today.

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Oh, that's sad. OK, well, just let the stage know.

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OK.

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Do you want to send something? Like flowers or something?

0:04:140:04:19

-Er...should we?

-I dunno.

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-Maybe.

-We could call Carol and ask. Could you get us Carol?

-Huh?

0:04:220:04:27

Carol.

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OK.

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-I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

-You've met him. The gloomy chap with the disappointing dong.

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-Dong.

-Good idea!

-Carol Rance on two!

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- (BOTH) Hi, Carol! - 'Hold for Carol, please.'

0:04:460:04:50

- 'Hi, guys!' - (BOTH) Hi, Carol!

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Hope we didn't mess you up too much.

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-No, that's fine. We're just sorry about Merc's father.

-'I know.'

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Don't get old. And if you do, don't have a stroke.

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We were just wondering, should we send flowers or something?

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Flowers are always nice, but you shouldn't feel obligated.

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Really.

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'Sorry for the chewing.'

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Phil Rosenthal sent Merc this ginormous condolence spread from Zabar's in New York. Ohh!

0:05:170:05:23

-'I swear, the bagels were still warm.'

-So people are sending food?

-'No, not everybody.'

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A few people sent platters, a muffin basket is always nice,

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but honestly don't feel any pressure. My God! They just brought in a turkey the size of a Prius.

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I hate it when people die. I get so fat.

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"What better way to remember a friend or loved one

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"than this thoughtful bereavement basket overflowing with scrumptious mini muffins,

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"decadent chocolate brownies, butter toffee pretzels and snickerdoodle cookies,

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"wrapped in cellophane and tied with a tasteful black bow?

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"The entire family will appreciate your gesture of peace and sympathy.

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"Caution: this product may contain nuts."

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-What's up?

-Trying to decide what to send Merc.

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-Smart. Can I get in on that?

-Sure.

-What are you thinking?

-Carol suggested a muffin basket.

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-She's an idiot. Muffins went out, like, 10 years ago.

-Can I leave?

-Yeah.

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Not for the day, though.

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Oh.

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-So if not a muffin basket...?

-We should cater a whole dinner.

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-A whole dinner? For how many?

-I don't know. 50, 75. They probably have a ton of people at their house.

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-Doesn't that seem excessive?

-If our ratings were great, we could send cat piss and a bag of Doritos.

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-Mmm!

-But with our numbers, we can't be the cheap assholes who sent the shitty little muffin basket.

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-So we're catering a dinner for 75 people?!

-What happened to "somebody dies, dig a hole, bury them"?

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It's like dealing with cave people.

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It's just so hard.

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I should be with him today. His father died.

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-I know.

-'I should he holding him and comforting him.'

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I should be helping him pick out a casket. You KNOW I would be better at it than she is,

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which I realise isn't saying a lot.

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-Well, you get to see him at the funeral, no?

-'Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.'

0:07:270:07:33

KNOCK Oh, God. I've got to hear a pitch.

0:07:330:07:35

Some guy's got a TV movie about his father's triumph over autism.

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It's supposed to be inspiring. I am SO not in the mood!

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'Bye.'

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-Look familiar?

-Weirdly, yes.

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I gave them some pictures of our first flat to use as inspiration.

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-Oh, my God.

-Just imagine a brick wall there and the smell of curry!

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My ex-wife calling and hanging up.

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Ah, good times.

0:08:050:08:07

They were.

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Hey... bad news on the catering thing.

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We're too late. Mark Burnett's doing tonight from the Grill. Tomorrow, Universal is sending deli.

0:08:130:08:19

-And some asshole from Warner Bros took Friday.

-We're back to muffins?

0:08:190:08:24

-We were never on muffins! Anyway, I called Jamie and asked if she had any ideas.

-Jamie who?

0:08:240:08:30

Lapidus.

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What?

0:08:330:08:34

-What?

-That look.

-What look?

-No look.

0:08:360:08:40

We've been... kinda seeing each other.

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-Who?

-Me and Jamie. Well, I've been seeing her. She hasn't seen...

0:08:580:09:02

-Blind jokes? Really?

-Hey, she makes 'em!

-Oh, my God! You and Jamie Lapidus?

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-For how long?

-A few weeks.

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-Started the night of our premiere.

-She gave me a handjob during the screening.

-A handjob?!

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-During our show?

-Relax. It's not like she was watching it.

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-I was sitting right next to you.

-Gotta say - her side, much better.

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-You really are horrifying. What is it with you and other people's wives?

-Yeah, yeah.

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-He's been all over me for that.

-Well...

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ALARM BUZZES

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Anyway, I spoke to Jamie and there's a couple of charities they suggest people make donations to.

0:09:370:09:44

-That's better than catering. What charities?

-One helps homeless people get tattoos removed.

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-That is the stupidest cause ever.

-I think it's for gang tattoos, stuff that stops them getting jobs.

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ALARM BUZZES

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-What was the other thing?

-Canadian geese.

-What about them?

-I don't know!

-Ah!

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It doesn't matter. These are the ones they picked. We just say, "Look, money!"

0:10:040:10:10

-ALARM BUZZES

-This is the worst chase scene ever.

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How big a donation are we talking? Like a hundred?

0:10:140:10:18

-No. Who are you people? It's got to be at least a grand.

-What?!

0:10:180:10:22

-1,000?! For geese?!

-And will they even know how much we're giving?

0:10:220:10:27

-The geese?

-Merc and his family.

-I don't know, but in case they do know, we've got to give a lot.

0:10:270:10:33

ALARM BUZZES

0:10:330:10:35

- I'm just going to check the back. - Sure.

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Hey, you guys! Do we all want to go to this funeral together?

0:10:400:10:45

-We weren't planning on going.

-Everybody's going.

-Who's everybody?

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-From all the shows on the network.

-Oh, shit. Really?

-I'm getting texts.

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-Carol didn't say anything about it.

-Duh! They never say it.

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-It's the right thing to do.

-You didn't say that when my Aunt Harriet died.

-She didn't run a network.

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Hey. OK, that was my agent. I've got to go to this fucking funeral.

0:11:050:11:09

-Thank you.

-He also said a charitable donation is too impersonal.

0:11:090:11:14

-So now what?

-Jerry Bruckheimer donated a dialysis machine to Cedars in Merc's father's name.

0:11:140:11:19

-Jesus!

-I know, but he's a partner in some dialysis company so he gets them at cost.

0:11:190:11:25

-Wow. David Kelley and Michelle Pfeiffer are planting a tree.

-Oh, those fuckers!

0:11:250:11:31

-Wow.

-What do you think?

-You look like you're on the news.

0:11:400:11:44

-Thank you(!)

-The rental car company sent this over. It was under the seat when you turned the car in.

0:11:440:11:51

-We don't have time for extensions?

-No.

-Oh, well. OK. Just...

0:12:080:12:13

Oh, my God. Don't you love this sofa?

0:12:130:12:17

-Ooh, very nice. Shopping for a sofa?

-No, I'm just really into catalogues. I could read 'em all day.

0:12:170:12:23

-So you count this as reading?

-It's got words.

0:12:230:12:26

-Ha.

-What?

0:12:270:12:29

-Look familiar?

-The chair?

-Uh-huh.

0:12:290:12:33

-I don't think so.

-Isn't that the one Sean has in his bedroom?

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I can't help you. I've never actually been in Sean's bedroom.

0:12:380:12:42

Oh.

0:12:430:12:44

Hey.

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Ooh, nice.

0:13:010:13:03

-Did I give you that?

-No, you did not!

-I gave out a bunch last year.

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-It's a vintage Breitling.

-Yeah. If you want a few more, let me know.

0:13:080:13:13

-Will do.

-Oh, man. This is going to be weird at this thing today.

0:13:130:13:18

-Being with Jamie in front of Merc.

-But easier than the last time, with no orgasms.

0:13:180:13:24

-You've never been with a blind girl, right?

-No!

-It's good.

0:13:250:13:29

-You don't have to suck in the gut.

-There's a bonus.

-I went out with this deaf chick. Smoking hot.

0:13:290:13:36

But it was a little weird when she'd do the dirty talk. She was like, "Fuck me."

0:13:360:13:41

-Stop!

-I'm just saying. "Fuck me. Put your finger in my ass."

0:13:410:13:46

-Ssh! Just shush.

-"I like..."

-Shush!

0:13:460:13:50

-"If you..."

-Ah! Look at you two!

0:13:500:13:53

-Very nice.

-Hey!

0:13:530:13:56

We all clean up pretty good. We should do something fun after.

0:13:560:14:01

You're assuming the funeral won't be fun.

0:14:010:14:04

-I think I got you in trouble.

-What?

-I put my foot in it.

0:14:050:14:09

Hello?

0:14:090:14:11

My friend Carrie just got to the cemetery. She says it's packed.

0:14:180:14:23

-Hm.

-When we get there, just make sure Merc sees you. And it wouldn't hurt if you could cry a little.

0:14:230:14:29

-Are you serious?

-I probably will cry thinking about when my parents die.

0:14:290:14:34

-Do you ever think about that? I do, all the time.

-How old are they?

-My mom's 91 and Dad's 93.

0:14:340:14:40

How is that even possi...? Oh, right.

0:14:400:14:43

I never think about me dying. Do you guys?

0:14:430:14:47

More so lately.

0:14:470:14:50

Do you think if you died the other Friends would come to your funeral?

0:14:510:14:55

Yeah, I think they'd come.

0:14:580:15:00

-Even Jennifer?

-Yeah, even Jennifer.

0:15:000:15:04

God, can you imagine the press? All of you together again.

0:15:040:15:08

-Well, not YOU.

-Right. Cos I'd be dead.

0:15:080:15:12

-Sure, but still...

-Still...I'd be dead.

0:15:120:15:15

I hope I'm still famous when I die.

0:15:170:15:20

Kinda playing fast and loose with the word "famous", no?

0:15:210:15:25

-When I first got out here I went to Orson Welles' funeral.

-Really? You knew Orson Welles?

-Nah.

0:15:270:15:33

My publicist got me in. I couldn't believe I was there.

0:15:330:15:37

It was like a real Hollywood funeral. Jimmy Stewart, Bob Hope,

0:15:370:15:43

Bette Davis. The biggest fucking coffin you ever saw. That guy was huge!

0:15:430:15:48

I'm standing next to this woman. She's, like, in her 50s, sort of looks familiar.

0:15:480:15:55

No one's paying any attention to her. Turns out it's Gloria Haywood.

0:15:550:15:58

-Who's Gloria Haywood?

-Exactly!

0:15:580:16:01

We started talking and she's had this amazing life.

0:16:010:16:05

A big affair with Bing Crosby. She won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in 1950.

0:16:050:16:12

35 years later, no one knows who the fuck she is.

0:16:120:16:15

We went out for a drink and ended up back at her apartment, this shitty little two-room place off Fountain.

0:16:150:16:23

She had this ratty dog who watched us screwing all afternoon.

0:16:230:16:27

It was my first celebrity fuck.

0:16:270:16:29

-Hm.

-I just remember thinking, "Well, at least now someone will remember you."

0:16:290:16:36

A couple of years ago I googled her to see if she was still alive.

0:16:380:16:42

Turns out someone called Josephine Hull won the Oscar in 1950.

0:16:420:16:46

-So who was Gloria Haywood?

-Hell if I know! Some nutjob who gave me crabs!

0:16:460:16:50

-She gave you crabs?

-Mm-hm.

0:16:500:16:53

But...I learned a valuable lesson that day.

0:16:530:16:56

-How to get rid of crabs?

-Yep. It's come in handy more than once.

0:16:580:17:03

-Ah!

-Hey, I can't believe he's gone.

0:17:100:17:13

I know. It's the end of an era.

0:17:130:17:16

-What are you doing?! Put those away! If he sees you!

-I know, but...

0:17:170:17:22

I just got a text from a friend. Matthew Broderick fell out of his NBC deal this morning.

0:17:220:17:27

-His people are shopping him around.

-I don't care. There's a time and place...

-Matthew Broderick!

0:17:270:17:33

-Ferris Bueller? The Producers?

-Inspector Gadget.

0:17:330:17:37

First of all, I already know this. I have a call in to the agent.

0:17:370:17:41

More important, today is not about work. Merc's father died.

0:17:410:17:46

-We have to be here for him.

-I totally hear you.

0:17:460:17:49

-Sorry.

-Yeah, sorry.

0:17:490:17:51

What got up her ass?

0:17:550:17:57

Thanks so much for coming. It means a lot.

0:17:570:18:01

Wow. Nice turnout.

0:18:080:18:10

OK, there's Merc. Let's do this.

0:18:100:18:13

You're here!

0:18:150:18:17

-How could we not be?

-Matty. My pop's gone.

0:18:170:18:22

-I'm sorry, man.

-I still can't believe it.

0:18:220:18:25

-I bet he was really proud of you.

-He was. And, you know,

0:18:250:18:29

-we didn't speak for, like, 12 years.

-When was this?

-Oh, long time ago.

0:18:290:18:33

-Caught him cheating on my mom.

-Wow.

0:18:340:18:37

So I called the IRS on him, told them how he was cooking his books and he was indicted.

0:18:370:18:43

-Jeez.

-Every family has their stuff.

0:18:430:18:46

Hey, you!

0:18:460:18:48

- You met him, didn't you? - Just once. He was a sweetie.

0:18:490:18:53

- Didn't he grab your ass? - He was so full of life!

0:18:530:18:57

Not so much any more. Hey!

0:18:570:19:00

You got one job - to keep her from falling in the goddamned hole!

0:19:000:19:05

Sorry.

0:19:050:19:06

Anyway, I'm so glad you're all here. It really means the world to me.

0:19:130:19:18

And you two - all the way from London.

0:19:180:19:22

-We're so sorry.

-My father loved England. It was his favourite country.

0:19:220:19:27

-Really?

-He said it was like Europe, but in English.

-That's our slogan.

0:19:270:19:32

You still make me laugh, even on a day like today.

0:19:320:19:37

Well...

0:19:370:19:38

Excuse me. Ah! You're here...

0:19:380:19:42

See you by the hole.

0:19:420:19:43

I'll just say a quick hello to Carol.

0:19:450:19:49

-What were you trying to say to me?

-I didn't know Beverly's never been to your apartment.

0:19:500:19:55

-This is important why?

-I was talking about a chair in your bedroom.

-OK.

0:19:550:19:59

-Oh!

-I'm really sorry. I wasn't even thinking.

0:19:590:20:03

Don't apologise. You did nothing wrong.

0:20:030:20:06

-Well...

-No. You were allowed to be there. It's not like I was cheating.

0:20:060:20:10

-I guess.

-Yeah, we're separated. I can do whatever I want. I'm perfectly within my rights.

0:20:100:20:16

-Why do you sound guilty?

-Because I am.

0:20:160:20:19

-So sorry.

-Thank you.

0:20:200:20:22

Hey...

0:20:230:20:25

-You're here.

-You holding up OK?

-I've probably hugged 400 people already!

0:20:250:20:32

-Let's make it 401.

-Sounds good to me.

0:20:320:20:36

So sorry for your loss.

0:20:370:20:39

-(I wanna kiss your neck.)

-Mmm.

0:20:410:20:44

(You feel so good.)

0:20:440:20:46

And now it's too long.

0:20:460:20:48

He's in a better place.

0:20:490:20:52

How are you?

0:20:520:20:54

-Hello again.

-William Shatner's here.

-The real William Shatner?

0:20:560:21:01

-The real William Shatner!

-Please tell me you didn't do your impression.

-Inside I was like,

0:21:010:21:06

-"You Klingon bastard! You killed my son!"

-Stop it! Today is sad enough.

0:21:060:21:11

-Oh, by the way, thank you so much for this.

-You're welcome. Happy birthday.

0:21:110:21:16

-Sorry. I just got it today.

-Ah. I was wondering when you didn't say anything.

0:21:160:21:22

-I thought maybe I'd got the wrong thing.

-God, no. I love it. It's perfect.

0:21:220:21:27

Oh.

0:21:270:21:29

What?

0:21:290:21:30

-What time do you have?

-Quarter to. Why?

-It's 20 minutes behind.

0:21:300:21:35

-Oh, did I not mention it's a piece of shit?

-Put that in the card.

0:21:350:21:39

I'll get it fixed.

0:21:390:21:41

So...

0:21:470:21:49

-Hm?

-Morning was saying something about a conversation she had with you...

-Yep.

0:21:490:21:54

..where she mentioned to you that, um...she'd been in my apartment.

0:21:540:21:59

-You don't owe me any explanation.

-I really don't.

-I just said that. And I believe she said bedroom.

0:22:010:22:07

Right. Yeah, bedroom, yeah.

0:22:070:22:09

-But since you brought it up...

-Yeah.

-This was when?

-On my birthday.

0:22:140:22:18

So you weren't alone? Good, good.

0:22:180:22:21

-For what it's worth, I was only with her the one time.

-Mm.

0:22:250:22:29

So you were actually...with her... with her? I assumed, but...

0:22:300:22:35

I w-was with her.

0:22:350:22:37

I was with her. I was with her. With her I was. I can't stop!

0:22:370:22:42

Try!

0:22:420:22:43

-So just to clarify...

-Yeah. Go.

-This wasn't something that was going on back when...

-Right.

0:22:490:22:55

-..I thought there might be something going on?

-No.

-Cos I was thinking,

0:22:550:22:59

-"Mmm! Maybe I wasn't so crazy."

-No, you were.

0:22:590:23:04

-Oh, good.

-So I see no reason to feel guilty.

-Absolutely none.

0:23:040:23:08

-After what happened with you and...

-Yes. I totally agree.

0:23:080:23:12

-It's not like we're even together.

-No. We're not together. We, we are...not.

0:23:120:23:18

If everyone is ready, it's time to begin.

0:23:230:23:27

What's wrong?

0:23:400:23:42

No, it's silly.

0:23:430:23:46

Tell me.

0:23:470:23:49

I just always assumed that...

0:23:580:24:00

that when I died you'd be there.

0:24:020:24:04

Or if you died, I'd be there.

0:24:060:24:09

Now I'm thinking

0:24:100:24:12

who knows? Maybe not.

0:24:120:24:15

Oh.

0:24:210:24:22

Told you it was silly.

0:24:250:24:27

It's OK. He had a full life.

0:24:430:24:46

There's an old Hebrew proverb.

0:25:040:25:07

Say not in grief he is no more,

0:25:070:25:10

but live in thankfulness that he was.

0:25:100:25:14

I know everyone here today is thankful that Leo Lapidus touched our lives.

0:25:140:25:21

For 49 years he was a devoted husband to our Selma,

0:25:210:25:25

he was a loving father to Mindy and to Merc and he adored his grandchildren - Sam, Tess, Emma,

0:25:250:25:32

Brett and Rose. But he'd trade you all in a heartbeat for an eight handicap.

0:25:320:25:39

It's OK. It's all right to laugh. Leo wanted to leave us laughing.

0:25:390:25:43

May his memory endure among us as a blessing.

0:25:430:25:47

RABBI SINGS IN HEBREW

0:25:480:25:51

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

0:25:540:25:57

I'm so sorry! I thought it was turned off.

0:26:050:26:09

Who was it? Everyone is here.

0:26:090:26:12

- Matthew Broderick's agent. - That fucker didn't come?

0:26:120:26:16

- I'll tell you later. - What? Tell me now.

0:26:160:26:20

Broderick's available.

0:26:200:26:22

Seriously?

0:26:220:26:25

NBC couldn't close the deal.

0:26:250:26:28

(Get him back.)

0:26:280:26:30

Now?!

0:26:320:26:34

Hold for Merc Lapidus.

0:26:420:26:44

Sorry. This is important.

0:26:480:26:51

Yeah. Merc. Right.

0:26:550:26:58

RESUMES SINGING

0:27:210:27:24

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0:27:500:27:53

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