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Episode 1

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Transcript


LineFromTo

-I'm about to leave for my date.

-OK.

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If you don't want me to go, I won't go.

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Go.

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500 feet, Labia. 500 feet.

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If that fucking lunatic comes near my kids again, I swear to God...

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Please tell me you weren't entertaining your stalker at your house last night.

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Did you have sexual relations with her?

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-Does anal...?

-Yeah, it counts.

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You think I don't want to be with you all the time? What do you want me to do? The woman's blind.

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She's fucking Matt LeBlanc.

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You son of a bitch.

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Let go of my fucking...!

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Aaagh!

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-Oh, Jesus. Does it hurt?

-Oh, fuck.

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-How about now?

-AAAGH!

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-We got a very short list.

-Right.

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And your name's at the top of it.

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The board decided...

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you're out.

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How do you know this?

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He offered me your job.

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-But he hit you.

-I'm fine now. I'm fine.

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It didn't even...

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I can't leave her now.

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What?

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I got no fucking job! You want me to give her half my money?

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Get out! OUT!

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Are you fucking crazy?!

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I don't even know where the hell I am!

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This is downtown!

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Fuck!

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DOORBELL BUZZES INSISTENTLY

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-Honey?

-Hmm?

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I think someone's at your gate.

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BUZZER CONTINUES

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Oh, Jesus.

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Yeah?

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I want to talk to my wife!

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Oh, God.

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Uh... fuck you.

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Open up! I know she's there!

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Yeah, she's here.

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And, again...

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Fuck you.

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BUZZER CONTINUES

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Looks like it's still raining.

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BANGING

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Open up!

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Let me in!

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Open the fuck up!

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Go away, asshole.

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Come on, let me in!

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Whatever you have to say, you can say through the window.

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Jamie, sweetheart, I know you're mad.

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I don't blame you. I'm sorry.

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I... I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

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A mistake?! You've been screwing Carol for five years!

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OK, nobody said that I was perfect.

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-But, come on, one more chance.

-It's OK, she can have you.

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Forget her!

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I dumped her ass last night cos I want you.

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Well, I don't want you!

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I've been happier in the last three months

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than any day of our marriage.

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OK, I can feel the breeze from your charade.

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Sorry.

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Look, I'm done.

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If you have anything to say, say it to my lawyer.

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You have a lawyer already?

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It's the guy Matt's ex-wife used.

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Apparently, he's very good.

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Goodbye, Merc.

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"Goodbye"?

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What do you mean, "goodbye"? Not "goodbye."

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Honey, honey, please. Where's your humanity?

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We're husband and wife!

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Jamie, come on! Wait, wait, wait, wait! At least get me a towel!

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Are you sleeping?

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What?

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Never mind. Go back to sleep.

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No, what did you say?

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I asked if you were sleeping.

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When you asked, I was.

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Now I'm not.

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Sorry.

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It's all right.

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I like what I'm waking to.

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How much have you missed this?

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I know.

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There was a moment...

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last night...

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when I was looking at you...

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and I couldn't help but think...

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Bloody hell, it's 8:15!

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Wait, wait, wait. No. What?

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Couldn't help but think what?

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8:15! We're seriously fucked!

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-I have no car here. I have to get home.

-Why?

-Uh...

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-I'm not going to work in an evening gown.

-No?

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Elegant Friday?

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Oh, God. We have script changes we never gave them.

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Shit.

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Uh, I'll drop you at home. Just let me jump in the shower.

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-Feel like jumping in with me?

-8:15.

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Right.

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Get me Elliot Salad.

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He's still in the air. He's heading back to New York.

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Then have him call me as soon as he lands.

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And make sure he knows it's about what we discussed last night.

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Hey.

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Morning.

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-How are you?

-Fine.

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No, I know, but how are you?

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I'm good.

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I am.

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Look, these things happen, especially in our business.

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Nothing's for ever.

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Poor Merc. How's he doing?

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-I wouldn't know.

-Really?

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-Really.

-So that's...

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-Mm-hmm.

-Oh, thank God.

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I never understood that anyway.

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Did you see his office?

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It's like he was never here,

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like that movie The Vanishing.

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-I never saw it.

-Someone vanishes.

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So, why'd they dump him?

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Was it cos of last night?

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I really can't say.

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That fight was insane.

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Have you seen the video?

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There's a video?

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It's on YouTube.

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You're telling me some asshole

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actually stood there filming the whole thing

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and then posted it?

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What kind of sick fuck would do that?

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If it helps, you look gorgeous in it.

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I'm in it?

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Jesus! Are we all in it?

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Everyone but Andy.

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Cock sucker!

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Fuck you! You are so fucking fired!

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I can't believe this is online.

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Is that really what my hair looks like?

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It's up to almost a million hits.

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Hey, you know, more people saw Merc hit you in the face

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-than actually watch our show.

-Your poor face.

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Fuck her face. What about our poor show?

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I didn't mean "fuck her face."

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-Thank you.

-Sh. Hey, hey, listen.

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You can actually hear him pull your shoulder out of the socket.

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It's so sick.

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Is it? Is it sick?

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Kind of.

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What the fuck?!

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Let go of my fucking...

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ALL GASP

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-Ow!

-Shit.

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Maybe I should let it grow.

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-Jesus.

-Yep. Some messed-up night.

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I don't know.

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Some good things came out of it.

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Awww!

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Stop it. We're not puppies.

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What? It's nice.

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So, does this mean

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we'll be sending your scripts to one address, not two?

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I'd say so.

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And which one would that be?

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-Doesn't matter to me, as long as we're together.

-Awww!

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-Stop it.

-Stop it.

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Either place is fine with me, too.

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OK, let me know.

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-What does it take you to get here?

-Door-to-door, 20 minutes, assuming there's no traffic in the canyon.

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-How often is there traffic in the canyon?

-Always.

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-Why? How long does it take you?

-I could walk here.

-Do you?

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No.

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All right, then, uh...

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I guess, uh, your place makes more sense.

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But...

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No, it's silly.

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What?

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Well, there is one thing.

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-What?

-Matt, we're ready for you.

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-Yeah, I just want to hear the thing.

-Go!

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But you'll tell me the thing?

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No!

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So?

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It's...

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-..your bed.

-What's wrong with my bed?

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You've never even seen my bed.

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Morning was in it with you, doing... Morning things.

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-Ah.

-I just want to start with a clean slate.

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Absolutely.

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I'd feel exactly the same way.

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Picture up.

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Yes.

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As soon as Elliot calls, patch him through to me.

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Hi. No, it's fine. Interrupt.

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It's only Beverly.

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OK, promise you'll find me.

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I cannot miss this call.

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Bye.

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How crazy was last night?

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Oh, my God.

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Oh, I have so much to tell you.

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Well, I've got a fair bit to tell you.

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OK, you go first.

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Really?

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Yes. I want to hear everything. Go.

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-Sean and I are back together.

-Merc and I broke up.

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Why don't you go first?

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OK.

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Ready for lunch?

0:13:230:13:25

Oh, I can't. I... I've got to do this.

0:13:250:13:27

-What?

-I'm trying to write an e-mail to Diane.

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She won't answer my calls.

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This still about the Labia thing?

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She's on the fucking warpath.

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You know, she's going to ask the judge for supervised visitation.

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Meaning?

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Meaning, any time I'm with the boys,

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there has to be a goddamn social worker there.

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How fucked-up is that?

0:13:430:13:44

Very.

0:13:440:13:45

This weekend could be my last time alone with them.

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-I'm going to take them to Disneyland.

-Oh, I've never been.

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You ever been to Walmart? It's like that with rides.

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I got to get her to back down.

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Well, good luck with that.

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You're a writer.

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No, no, no!

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No, this has got to come from you.

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It's got to be personal, from the heart.

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Exactly. I can't write that shit.

0:14:050:14:08

Come on, please.

0:14:080:14:11

What have you got so far?

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Uh, "Diane."

0:14:130:14:15

Well, at least you've got something to build on.

0:14:160:14:18

Uh, you could start by explaining

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why you invited your stalker into your house.

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I was shit-faced.

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Yeah, well, nothing says you're a responsible father like...

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So, what's my excuse?

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There is no excuse.

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Thanks.

0:14:340:14:35

No, that's what you say.

0:14:350:14:37

"There is no excuse for what I did."

0:14:370:14:39

Nice.

0:14:410:14:42

"It was thoughtless and stupid.

0:14:420:14:45

"Bringing that woman into my home is...

0:14:450:14:48

"indefensible."

0:14:480:14:50

Or some word that you'd use.

0:14:500:14:51

-I'd use "indefensible."

-Sorry.

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Uh, "I take full responsibility for my actions,

0:14:540:14:57

-"and I will do anything... anything...

-"

0:14:570:15:01

-Two "anythings"? Yeah.

-Underline the second one.

0:15:010:15:03

-Got it.

-"Anything... "

0:15:030:15:04

-There's still just two. That was the second one again.

-I'm with you.

0:15:040:15:07

"..to win back your trust.

0:15:070:15:09

"Our children mean the world to me."

0:15:090:15:12

"They are...

0:15:140:15:16

"the only truly good thing in my life.

0:15:160:15:18

"Please don't punish them because of my bad decisions."

0:15:180:15:23

This is so good.

0:15:230:15:25

"I don't know why I do what I do...

0:15:250:15:27

"but I can only promise you that I am going to get help."

0:15:270:15:32

Love that.

0:15:340:15:36

Right.

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But now you have to get help.

0:15:380:15:40

-No, you do.

-OK.

0:15:400:15:42

No, I'm saying you need help.

0:15:420:15:46

You've got to figure out

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how to change this self-destructive pattern.

0:15:480:15:51

You brought home the one woman in the whole world

0:15:510:15:55

your ex-wife specifically forbade you to see!

0:15:550:15:58

You do these things, and then you're surprised

0:15:580:16:01

when there are consequences.

0:16:010:16:03

If you are unwilling to examine why,

0:16:030:16:06

then you are doomed

0:16:060:16:07

to just keep repeating and repeating

0:16:070:16:10

the same self-sabotaging behaviour!

0:16:100:16:13

Sorry.

0:16:200:16:21

No. You're right.

0:16:230:16:26

That's what I do.

0:16:260:16:27

And I keep doing it.

0:16:310:16:32

OK.

0:16:380:16:39

I'll get help.

0:16:400:16:42

I think that's wise.

0:16:440:16:47

You're not going to get help, are you?

0:16:500:16:52

Nah, but this is really good.

0:16:520:16:54

I mean, how pathetic am I?

0:16:570:16:59

I almost didn't take the job.

0:16:590:17:02

cos I didn't want to hurt Merc?

0:17:020:17:05

Fucking Merc?

0:17:050:17:07

Why didn't you say something?

0:17:070:17:08

I did, repeatedly.

0:17:080:17:11

-Was I listening?

-Do you ever?

0:17:110:17:12

Sorry, I thought that was my phone.

0:17:140:17:16

-What did you say?

-Nothing.

0:17:160:17:19

I'm so ready for this. I can totally run that network.

0:17:190:17:22

I've been running that network.

0:17:220:17:24

Only now you finally get credit for it.

0:17:240:17:26

Thank you!

0:17:260:17:27

Oh, shit.

0:17:280:17:31

Hi.

0:17:310:17:32

How long has she been sitting there?

0:17:340:17:36

No idea. Why do we care?

0:17:360:17:38

She writes for Variety.

0:17:380:17:39

If she heard me talking about the job, fuck.

0:17:390:17:44

Oh, calm down. She probably can't even hear us from there.

0:17:440:17:47

All right, tell me if she turns.

0:17:470:17:50

Marianne?

0:17:500:17:52

Marianne? Anything?

0:17:520:17:55

Not yet.

0:17:550:17:56

Marianne, time to lose the holiday weight.

0:17:560:18:00

Still nothing?

0:18:000:18:02

Nope. But I know I'm skipping dessert.

0:18:020:18:05

OK. Let's just talk about something else... anything.

0:18:060:18:09

What do you want to talk about?

0:18:090:18:11

You and Sean.

0:18:110:18:14

Tell me everything.

0:18:140:18:15

I'm dying to hear.

0:18:150:18:18

-Clearly.

-No, I am.

0:18:180:18:19

Come on. Wh...what happened?

0:18:190:18:21

Well, there's not really that much to tell.

0:18:210:18:25

Last night, after the, um, melee...

0:18:250:18:27

Sean and I were talking

0:18:270:18:29

about my face wound, and, um...

0:18:290:18:31

..next thing I know, he's kissing me.

0:18:320:18:34

SHOUTS: Yeah, he is!

0:18:340:18:35

We'll take a check.

0:18:370:18:39

-So, what, are you, just, like, crazy happy?

-Oh, beyond crazy.

0:18:420:18:45

Yay.

0:18:450:18:47

But there is this, um, one...

0:18:470:18:50

little thing.

0:18:500:18:52

You remember Morning's brother Rob.

0:18:520:18:54

Uh, yeah. That guy is ridiculously hot.

0:18:540:18:57

But Sean...better...obviously.

0:18:590:19:03

Right.

0:19:030:19:04

Well, I, um...

0:19:040:19:07

I sort of slept with him.

0:19:090:19:11

Oh, my God. What... uh, what does "sort of" mean?

0:19:110:19:14

Nothing. I slept with him.

0:19:160:19:18

All right! Good for you.

0:19:180:19:20

-No, not good for me.

-No?

-No.

0:19:200:19:22

What do I tell Sean?

0:19:220:19:23

Nothing. That's what you tell him.

0:19:230:19:26

I can't just lie.

0:19:260:19:27

First of all, not lying.

0:19:270:19:29

It's omitting.

0:19:290:19:30

There is a huge difference

0:19:300:19:31

between omitting and lying.

0:19:310:19:34

That said, I also believe in lying.

0:19:340:19:37

I don't want to start our new lives

0:19:370:19:39

with this giant secret.

0:19:390:19:41

-So, it was giant?

-Stop.

0:19:410:19:42

Fine. Look, just let it go.

0:19:420:19:45

-It's all in the past.

-It was Wednesday.

0:19:450:19:47

Oh, my God! Wednesday?

0:19:470:19:50

Definitely lie.

0:19:500:19:51

Lie the shit out of this.

0:19:510:19:53

Wendy, do you have today's pages

0:19:580:20:00

from the writing room?

0:20:000:20:01

Where are they?

0:20:010:20:03

That's what I'm asking you.

0:20:030:20:04

Well, that's what I'm asking you.

0:20:040:20:07

We could have hired a squirrel.

0:20:070:20:09

-Hello.

-Hey!

0:20:120:20:14

-What's this?

-Well, I thought the three of us should celebrate...

0:20:140:20:17

you know, you guys getting back together

0:20:170:20:19

and all that good stuff.

0:20:190:20:20

I would drink to that good stuff.

0:20:200:20:22

This is so nice.

0:20:220:20:24

Need a hand?

0:20:250:20:27

No, no, I got it.

0:20:270:20:30

Help him, I beg you.

0:20:400:20:42

Sure, Mr Two-hands.

0:20:450:20:47

I hate change.

0:20:540:20:57

The thought of having to look for a new job.

0:20:570:20:59

-Why would you...?

-Oh, come on!

0:20:590:21:00

You don't think whoever comes in isn't going to clean house?

0:21:000:21:04

Not necessarily.

0:21:040:21:06

You'll be fine. I promise.

0:21:060:21:08

How can you say that?

0:21:080:21:10

What do you know?

0:21:100:21:13

Who is it going to be?

0:21:130:21:14

Talk to me.

0:21:140:21:16

OK, you absolutely can't tell anyone.

0:21:180:21:21

I won't, I swear. I promise.

0:21:210:21:23

Who is it?

0:21:230:21:24

Shut the fup!

0:21:250:21:27

Seriously, no-one can know.

0:21:280:21:31

I haven't even said yes to Elliot yet.

0:21:310:21:34

-But he offered it to you?

-He did.

0:21:340:21:36

And you didn't tell me. You sneaky bitch.

0:21:360:21:38

Who's a sneaky bitch?

0:21:380:21:40

What?

0:21:420:21:43

It's Myra.

0:21:430:21:45

Fine.

0:21:450:21:47

She's getting Merc's job.

0:21:470:21:48

-Who's getting Merc's job?

-Carol.

-Really?

0:21:480:21:51

-You can't tell anyone.

-OK, I won't, but you should know that I'm...

0:21:510:21:54

Oh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh!

0:21:540:21:55

What?

0:21:550:21:57

Come on. If you can't trust Peter...

0:21:580:22:01

-I've been offered Merc's job.

-Seriously?

0:22:030:22:06

-It's so exciting.

-What's so exciting?

0:22:060:22:07

Carol's getting Merc's job. I'm not good with secrets.

0:22:070:22:10

Are you serious?!

0:22:100:22:12

It's not a done deal.

0:22:120:22:13

Please, you cannot repeat this.

0:22:130:22:15

Wait, so, it's not Castor Sotto?

0:22:150:22:18

What?

0:22:190:22:20

Well, uh, Deadline Hollywood

0:22:200:22:22

said that Castor Sotto was replacing Merc.

0:22:220:22:25

Uh...

0:22:250:22:27

PHONE RINGS Carol Rance's office.

0:22:310:22:35

Elliot Salad on one.

0:22:350:22:37

There you go.

0:22:410:22:43

Hmm. Yeah.

0:22:430:22:44

Elliot?

0:22:550:22:57

I just heard.

0:22:570:22:59

Castor Sotto.

0:22:590:23:01

Great choice. Great choice.

0:23:010:23:03

No, I've never met him.

0:23:030:23:05

But, come on, Castor Sotto.

0:23:050:23:08

What a coup.

0:23:100:23:12

-So, have you guys been in this place the whole time?

-Mm-hm.

0:23:170:23:20

-You've been in our office before, no?

-No, never.

0:23:200:23:23

It's really a shit hole.

0:23:230:23:26

-Oh, thanks.

-How could anyone be funny in a place like this?

0:23:260:23:29

No wonder.

0:23:290:23:30

Matt, The Stage just called. Your kids are here.

0:23:310:23:34

Oh, come say hi.

0:23:340:23:35

"No wonder"? Did he really just say "No wonder"?

0:23:360:23:39

PHONE RINGS

0:23:440:23:45

-Hello?

-Hey, it's me.

0:23:470:23:49

Hey.

0:23:490:23:50

I got your e-mail.

0:23:500:23:51

Yeah?

0:23:510:23:53

You're really going to get help?

0:23:530:23:55

I... I really am.

0:23:550:23:57

And not like with the couples counsellor?

0:23:570:23:59

No, no.

0:23:590:24:00

That one was very unprofessional.

0:24:000:24:01

Because she slept with you?

0:24:010:24:03

Yeah, a good one would never do that.

0:24:030:24:05

Maybe go with a guy this time.

0:24:050:24:06

Probably smart.

0:24:060:24:08

But you're going to do what you have to do,

0:24:080:24:11

but I meant what I said about the boys.

0:24:110:24:13

I don't want anything to mess that up.

0:24:130:24:15

Then don't mess up.

0:24:150:24:16

I won't. I promise.

0:24:160:24:19

It's all going to be better. You'll see.

0:24:190:24:21

I'm going to be better.

0:24:210:24:22

Uh, can I call you back?

0:24:280:24:31

Want to hear a small world?

0:24:320:24:34

My sister played the nurse on the one where Rachel is having the baby.

0:24:340:24:37

No kidding? She was great!

0:24:370:24:40

Yeah? You remember her?

0:24:400:24:41

Totally.

0:24:410:24:43

-Say hi for me.

-I will.

0:24:430:24:46

Listen, isn't there some way you could just give me,

0:24:460:24:49

like, a slap on the wrist?

0:24:490:24:51

Hey. Joey.

0:24:510:24:53

-Hey.

-DUI?

-You got me.

0:24:530:24:55

Looks like we did!

0:24:550:24:57

LAUGHTER

0:24:570:24:59

Hey, you were saying maybe you could just give me a slap on the wrist?

0:24:590:25:02

No, YOU were saying that.

0:25:020:25:03

I knew someone said it.

0:25:030:25:05

LAUGHTER

0:25:050:25:06

Uh, you were going over 90 with a 1.7 alcohol level, so...

0:25:080:25:13

That's crazy. I had a couple glasses of champagne.

0:25:130:25:15

I guess you need more body mass.

0:25:150:25:18

Yeah, that's what I need.

0:25:180:25:19

LAUGHTER

0:25:190:25:21

Other hand.

0:25:210:25:23

Seriously, there's got to be a way

0:25:230:25:26

to just give me, like, a warning.

0:25:260:25:27

Not with kids in the car.

0:25:290:25:30

Look, I'm kind of going through a custody thing right now.

0:25:320:25:36

I went through that. Such bullshit.

0:25:370:25:39

Totally, right?

0:25:390:25:40

And...this is going to make it so much worse.

0:25:400:25:43

Man, I hear you.

0:25:430:25:46

It sucks.

0:25:460:25:47

OK, I got to ask you for a photograph.

0:25:490:25:52

Absolutely. Happy to.

0:25:520:25:55

Are you going to do one of all of us together, or...?

0:25:550:25:57

So, this is your house?

0:26:090:26:11

Our house.

0:26:110:26:13

Our house.

0:26:130:26:14

What do you think?

0:26:160:26:19

Definitely not a shit hole.

0:26:190:26:21

High praise.

0:26:210:26:23

Would you like a tour?

0:26:230:26:25

That's the kitchen.

0:26:250:26:27

Nice.

0:26:270:26:28

Uh, back there is the laundry room.

0:26:280:26:31

Good.

0:26:310:26:32

That's a bar...

0:26:330:26:35

I like your tour better.

0:26:370:26:40

Is there a bedroom?

0:26:400:26:42

That way.

0:26:420:26:44

SHE GIGGLES

0:26:440:26:46

Someone's been going to the gym!

0:26:460:26:48

I have been going to the gym!

0:26:480:26:50

Hold that thought. I'm just going to change the sheets.

0:27:010:27:04

What?

0:27:040:27:05

It'll only take a moment.

0:27:050:27:07

-To change the sheets?

-Right.

0:27:090:27:11

Uh, well, obviously, when it comes to foreplay,

0:27:110:27:13

changing the sheets is my favourite bit.

0:27:130:27:16

-Just scoot off the bed.

-What, you're serious?

0:27:160:27:18

Oh, you know what they say... fresh start, fresh sheets.

0:27:180:27:21

No-one says that. Laundresses don't say that.

0:27:210:27:24

I'm sorry.

0:27:240:27:25

If I'd known we were going to end up here tonight...

0:27:250:27:27

Do you not want to do this?

0:27:270:27:29

Oh, God, you have no idea how much I want to do it.

0:27:290:27:33

But you know me and clean sheets.

0:27:340:27:36

No, actually.

0:27:360:27:38

-I could have done it by now.

-So could we.

0:27:380:27:40

-Is there something I should know about these sheets?

-No.

0:27:420:27:46

I spent a night here with Rob.

0:27:560:27:58

What night?

0:28:000:28:01

Wednesday.

0:28:050:28:07

God!

0:28:090:28:10

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