Episode 5 Episodes

If we're having a problem fornicationally,

then we should discuss it.

We've got to get over this.

Yes, well, it's a lot easier for you to get over it.

I've got to get...

up and over it, if you know what I mean.

I hate my dick.

Why aren't you doing my pilot?

You'd be SO right for it.

-Maybe just give it a read.

-No, that's OK.

What are you reading?

That asshole's script.

It's fucking brilliant.

Oh, the bloody nerve.

Trying to poach you from us?

And that you would even consider...

That little shit weasel.

How are the new meds working out?

Everything makes me hard. This morning when I was getting gas,

I got a boner putting the nozzle into the tank.

I never cry at work.

Well, I'd hug you, but obviously, I'm all sweaty and...

I don't mind.

Are you sure that's what it was?

I am telling you, he's hugging me,

and I'm thinking, "Ooh, his arms are so hard."

Then, all of a sudden, it's like, "Fuck his arms."

"What the hell is THAT?"

Unbelievable.

-I know!

-No.

My "unbelievable" is not a good "unbelievable."

Oh, come on. Just knowing he's feeling what I'm feeling...

And believe me, I felt what he's feeling.

Has history taught you nothing?

You have been down this road before.

But with Merc.

If I knew I could only go down the road one time,

that's not who I would've gone down it with!

-Look, you asked my opinion...

-Did I?

All right, I offered you my opinion.

And I hear what you're saying,

but then I look at Castor,

and he's so brilliant and sexy and powerful!

He's your boss.

I know! He's the whole package!

-The side effects haven't lessened at all?

-No.

Yesterday, I had to give this stupid woman

who works for me a hug,

and she was almost impaled on it!

All right. We'll start cutting back on your dosage.

Cutting back? No. Can't we just stop?

Not with this medication.

We have to wean you off slowly.

Just so you know, when you said "wean",

I got a little hard.

You realise we're halfway up this mountain

-and all we've talked about is your boss' erection.

-OK, fine.

Any erections you want to talk about?

-Nope.

-Really?

-No.

-You and Sean - still no...

-No.

Have you thought about seeing someone -

like a couples' counsellor or something?

I could ask my shrink to recommend someone.

Wait a minute.

YOU have a shrink?

Uh-huh. He's really good.

Really?

MATT: Hello?

In here!

That is the best "hello" EVER.

SHE CHUCKLES

Don't move. I'm coming in for a kiss.

Almost done.

No rush.

-Uh, what happened to all the paintings?

-What do you mean?

The paintings that were hanging on the walls?

-They're not.

-Are you kidding?

You didn't know?

No. I didn't know. Which ones?

Uh, the one over the fireplace.

The Diebenkorn's gone?

Assuming that's a painting, yeah.

And the one by the door,

and the creepy baby face is gone.

-Oh, my God!

-Hang on.

Yep, everything in here, too.

I don't believe this. Is anything else missing?

I don't know. Uh...

Looks like just the paintings.

Who else besides me has your gate code?

Maria, my assistant Missy.

Oh, Jesus!

-What?

-Oh!

Oh, that motherfucker.

He still has your code?

Even he wouldn't do this.

Merc? He'd totally do this.

Think of all the shit he did to you when you weren't divorcing him.

-I'm calling him.

-No, don't call him.

-Oh, I'm calling him.

-Please, just let my lawyers handle it.

No, someone's got to tell him what a giant asshole he is.

Believe me, I've told him. Please, stay out of it.

For me.

HE GROANS

Did you put your phone away?

Yes.

Did you?

Yes.

Thank you.

What's the deal with this network press thing tonight?

Oh, I forgot. That's tonight?

Yeah, it's this stupid cocktail party for the TV critics.

The networks do it every year.

Seriously?

The people who wrote all the nasty things about us,

we have to have canapes with them?

Yeah, it's not as much fun as it sounds.

And there's no getting out of it?

Not unless you're on a hit show.

So there's no getting out of it.

There you are. Ready?

For what?

Oh, shit. That's now?

What's now?

Nothing. It's a...

-private thing.

-What kind of private thing?

Well, it's a thing,

and it's private.

You're really not gonna tell me?

No.

No. See you tonight.

-What do you think it is?

-Who gives a shit?

So, have, uh, either of you ever been

to a sex therapist before?

W-We were under the impression that you were a couples' counsellor.

Specialising in sex therapy.

Bloody hell!

We were not aware.

Thanks, Carol.

Oh, so this isn't a sexual issue that you're here to deal with?

Well, it is.

It IS.

All right, then why don't you tell me a little bit about what's going on?

OK.

We have recently been through a, um...

A bit of a rough patch in our marriage,

which we have both worked very hard to get past.

Unfortunately...

..it has left us with certain...

..er, ramifications.

Sexual?

Sexual. Yes.

Sexual.

-Sexual.

-Say it another ten times.

-I'm sorry, it IS sexual.

-Nine more.

Sean, let me ask you a question.

Are you able to achieve an erection?

I'd really rather not say.

If you want me to help you...

That IS why we're here.

HE SIGHS Fine.

So, are you?

Am I what?

Are you able to achieve an erection?

Mm-hm.

Do you find it difficult to maintain your erection

to complete intercourse?

I'd rather not say.

Yes.

Do you masturbate?

-Her or me?

-You.

I'd rather not say.

Beverly, I'd like to try an exercise.

All right.

If your vagina could speak to Sean right now,

what would it say to him?

If my vagina could speak,

we'd be having an entirely different set of problems.

I sense your discomfort.

But please...

OK. Er...

SHE SIGHS

I suppose, if it could speak...

SHE SIGHS

..it would want him to know...

No. No. No. AS your vagina to Sean.

-DEEP SING-SONG VOICE:

-Hi, Sean.

Have you two thought about alternatives to intercourse?

Perhaps you could pleasure each other orally

or engage in anal play.

-Mm, absolutely.

-Mm-hmm.

Take me home. I want to go home.

-AS VAGINA:

-Though others have been in me,

you are the one I want.

Sean, as you find yourself losing your erection...

Oh, good, we're back on that.

Do you think that there's anything that Beverly could do differently?

No.

No? Maybe something that she used to do, or some fantasy?

-No.

-Maybe something that this other woman did.

Oh, God, no.

Look... It's not about sex.

-Well...

-It's not.

I hate to disappoint you.

I realise that's your thing,

and I'm sorry if this leaves you out of the mix,

but what happened to us had nothing to do with...

copulation.

And I'm speaking for my cock here, as well.

Well, so then, what is it about?

Trust.

-Trust?

-Right.

It's not about sex. It's not even about love.

Love's the easy bit.

It turns out...

..finding trust with someone...

..feeling safe,

that's...

And when I finally found it I thought, "Well...

"..there you go. That's it."

But...

when the trust goes away....

..when you can't feel it any more...

..I don't know how you get it back.

Sometimes I think...

What?

Sometimes I think maybe we've somehow...

..broken something fundamental...

that can't be fixed.

TYRES SCREECH

What the fuck!?

Are you crazy?

You had to tell her about the fucking paintings.

She was fine until you opened your big mouth.

Three weeks, she didn't even know that they were gone!

Now all of a sudden, it's, "Oh, I need my paintings."

"I can't feel the presence of my art."

God, you're a dick.

Then suck me.

-Just stay out of my goddamn business!

-Or what?

You'll cancel my show?

Oh, wait, you can't, because they cancelled YOU.

You know what? I'm glad I didn't cancel you.

I like knowing you're stuck in that piece of shit.

It feels good.

Oh, yeah? You know what really feels good?

Putting my penis inside your wife's vagina.

Oh. Look who went to medical school.

You know what? You can have her.

-I already got her.

-Well, keep her!

By the way, is the whole blind thing getting a little tired yet?

Wait till you watch her eat soup.

All right, that's it.

Get the hell out of my driveway,

and you better put those fucking paintings back.

Or what?

You don't scare me.

-Huh?

-I'm serious.

You do not want to mess with this.

I swear to God!

You are so lucky that I have dinner plans.

ENGINE TURNS OVER AND REVS

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

We're all really excited about the show moving to Saturday.

Talk a little more about that.

Well, there's so little original programming on Saturdays.

It gives us a chance to reach a whole new audience.

So, basically, you're hoping to do well

only because there's nothing else on.

Yeah.

I never saw it, but when you did the show in England,

-it was a big hit, right?

-Uh-huh.

Is there something we're not getting?

You're not getting the show we did in England!

Excuse me.

-Can I just steal these two for a sec?

-Sure.

You're welcome!

-Oh, my God, does anyone like our show?

-Probably.

There he is.

-There who is?

-Castor.

What do you think?

I think he's the cliff, and you're Thelma AND Louise.

Yeah. I'd drive off that.

OK, so when you're finished talking business,

I'll be over at the bar.

Look at him.

He's under so much pressure.

This is, like, his first official thing.

It's got to be so hard.

Anyway...

Oh, by the way... at some point,

we need to have a little chat

about our visit to the "counsellor" today.

Oh, right. How'd it go?

-Not now.

-No, tell me.

You might have mentioned she's a sex therapist.

-Didn't I?

-No.

-No?

-No!

She talked about anal play.

-Maybe let's do this later.

-Let's.

I have Matt LeBlanc coming in.

So, Morning and the boys are here already,

and Stoke's not coming. You know that, right?

-How the hell did he get out of it?

-He's shooting some V05 commercial.

Fucking hair.

The important thing is that you're here.

Everybody's very excited to talk to you.

Great. I'm very excited about vodka.

Can you get me a vodka?

I can. Anything you need, I'm here.

-Uh, vodka.

-Absolutely.

-First, let's just go through a few quick talking points.

-Yeah. Yeah.

You're really psyched about Pucks' big move to Saturday.

It's a great opportunity for the show,

feels like a fresh start,

and it's a chance to attract a whole new audience.

Anything else?

Vodka?

There you go.

I got to ask, what made you come back in this?

Uh, a new bank opened down the street,

and I wanted to fill it up.

BOTH CHUCKLE No, seriously,

after being on a hit, this has got to be rough, no?

Nah. I'm having a blast.

Very excited about the show moving to Saturday.

SATURDAY.

Even though you're barely on it now?

-HE CHUCKLES

-That's not true.

How come all of a sudden, no-one wants to talk about my hair turning grey?

No offence, it's not really your show any more.

What, are you trying to cause trouble here?

It's still my show.

Is it?

HE CHUCKLES UNEASILY

I swear, they never showed it to us.

Look at that! I'm smaller than the fucking Puck!

Hey, can I have a daiquiri, please?

Hey, Matt.

Bruno Aiken, Houston Sentinel.

How you doing?

Hey.

Hey! You're the guy who called me fat.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Uh, I don't... I don't...

In your review. You called me fat.

Are you fucking kidding me? You're 10 times fatter than me.

-Well...

-You know, you can't tell from that tiny picture

in your stupid column and with the beard and everything,

but that's all face under there. Wow!

So, you know we're moving to Saturday?

How much longer do you think we have to stay?

I don't know. Oh...

shit.

-What?

-Over there.

Oh. Please, God, don't let him see us.

I swear, I cannot face him tonight.

If I hear one more, "Bev, guess what?

"I farted, and an Oscar came out."

All right, if he moves towards us, let's just pretend... Fuck, he saw us.

Oh, God, please don't come over.

Please don't come over. Is he coming over?

No.

Well, that's odd.

-Sure it's him?

-Of course it's him.

-Look at the poncy scarf.

-Maybe he didn't see us.

Oh, he saw us.

-Look, he just saw us again.

-And nothing!

-Didn't even wave!

-He's blowing us off.

That little shit!

Give me a vodka, and then another vodka.

What are you guys staring at?

That dick whistle Andrew Lesley.

Andrew Lesley's here?

Andrew. Hey!

Monsieur LeBlanc!

BOTH CHUCKLE

-What are you doing here?

-Oh, I-I just shot a pilot with a network.

Plus the one for NBC?

I know. I worry there won't be enough of me to go around.

Listen, I didn't get a chance to tell you.

-I loved your script.

-You did not!

Oh, my God, are you kidding?

Well, everyone says it, but still.

So, uh, where are you with casting?

In hell, thanks to you.

Y-You positively ruined me.

Now I can only hear your voice in my head.

Well, keep hearing it, cos they're trying Pucks on a new night,

and if it doesn't work...

Now you're just being a tease.

-Hey, stop teasing me.

-HE CHUCKLES

Look at them.

What an arsehole.

-Which one?

-Take your pick.

Look, it's no secret we're in last place.

Good news is, we have nowhere to go but up.

And yes, I'm aware that's not very good news.

It's got to feel like your schedule's in free fall, though.

I think all network TV's in free fall.

We're just the first ones pushed out of the plane.

Does it worry you that you've never run a network before?

What?!

OK, look, what can I say?

The last guy who had this job ran the network for years.

Unfortunately, he ran the network into the ground.

-MAN:

-So, you're saying this is all Merc Lapidus's mess?

I'm sorry, what?

Merc's mess?

Uh, no.

Uh, look, I could easily pin it all on him,

but it's a totally different landscape today.

We're not...just competing against each other.

There are...

There are all these...

..new platforms.

Excuse me.

Hey, there. Are you all right?

I'm fine. Go back to the party.

Look, I get it.

It's hard.

You...

You can tell?

Of course I can tell.

Oh, Jesus.

You think...everyone can tell?

No! No, you're doing great.

HE SIGHS

But I totally get what you're going through.

You do?

Totally.

Now, listen to me.

You are not alone in this,

no matter how hard it gets -

and believe me, it can always get harder.

-HE GROANS

-I don't think that's possible.

I'm here for you.

Whatever you need.

Really?

THEY PANT AND GROAN

Well, don't you look pretty?

I didn't realise the dress code this morning

was cocktail dishevelled.

I tried calling, but there's no reception up here.

-I can't do this today.

-Is it the heels?

BOTH CHUCKLE

I never got home last night.

I couldn't help but notice the hiking outfit did look familiar.

Don't be mad.

Castor?

Oh, my God!

-You slept with him.

-I swear,

there was no sleeping.

It was insane!

He went literally - lit-er-al-ly - all night.

I've never seen anything like it.

Merc on a good day, plus Viagra, maybe ten minutes.

SHE GROANS This was superhuman.

Calendar pages were flying off.

Flowers were coming up and opening, and dying.

BOTH CHUCKLE

I guess, hmm, no offence,

but I definitely hate you.

What? Oh, God. Sorry!

No, no. Don't feel bad.

It's not at all like telling Gandhi about how you ate a whole ham.

I...

If it helps, I'm really sore!

Doesn't help!

PHONE RINGS

Hello, there.

Hey.

Just thought you'd be happy to know the paintings are back.

-Really?

-Up on the walls and everything.

That's great.

Thank you for, uh, staying out of it.

I know that wasn't easy.

'Ah...

'I'm just happy it all worked out.'

So, am I seeing you later?

'Definitely. Maybe go to the beach?'

Oh, sounds great. I am dying for a swim.

Maybe after, we could go out somewhere.

'How about Nobu?'

Nobu? I love Nobu.

What are you doing?

I don't know. Just looking.

Would you like a chair?

No.

Want to do something?

Sure.

What?

-Anything. I don't care.

-Like a movie or something?

-Mm...

-So, not anything.

Not really in a movie mood.

We could just stay at home and pleasure each other orally.

Oh, my God! That was the worst hour of my life.

So then, uh, not up for a little, uh, anal play?

Saw an anal play once.

-Was it shitty?

-It was.

That's why we get the big bucks!

Will you ever recover from that?

Never. Permanently traumatised.

By the way, why does your vagina sound like Yoda?

-SHE LAUGHS

-I didn't know what to do.

AS YODA: "Penetrate me you could.

-"Lubricated I am."

-Shut up.

"Sometimes, like popcorn I smell."

Stop it!

We're not broken.

You don't think?

Maybe a little cracked.

Wow.

Did not see that coming.

No!

-What was different this time?

-I've no idea.

-We have to remember everything we did.

-Oh, I'll remember.

Should we do it again just to make sure?

-Really?

-Mm-hm.

That doctor was a genius.

Oh, shit. What time is it?

Seriously?

We missed our show.

-What show?

-"What show"?

Oh! Right, it's Saturday!

-Ah, well.

-Oh, yeah.

Unbelievable. We lost to something called Storage Wars: Texas?

Which was a repeat, by the way.

We also lost to Wicked Tuna,

Jerseylicious, Swamp People.

Oh, shit. I missed Swamp People.

-This is not good, you guys.

-All right, but this is just the first week.

They've got to give the audience a chance to find us.

I mean, they've got to, right?