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Episode 4

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Monday, eight o'clock.

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Pucks. Bye-bye.

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I like Pucks.

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-No...

-I'm sorry. I say we give it one more chance.

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I got to get off the show. I'm sorry.

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I can't quit, but if you kill me...

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-We can't kill you.

-Sure, you can. You created me.

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Don't you think if we could kill you, we'd have done it by now?

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What did you say?

0:00:220:00:24

What did you say?

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Maybe we should try...adjusting your medication again.

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Maybe.

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This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

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What's going on?

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More news from Peru.

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Oh, God.

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-So awful.

-I know.

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Unbelievable.

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You keep thinking... there's people under there.

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Makes me want to cry.

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-Is that the new iPad?

-Yeah.

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-Like it?

-Well...

-It's not that different.

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I hate my phone.

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You ready? >

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Mm.

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Er, may we, er, have everyone's attention, please?

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Hello! If, er, everyone could, um, gather round.

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We actually have a piece of good news.

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The network has decided, in its infinite wisdom,

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to move our little show to a different night

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so we will no longer be opposite the much-reviled talking dog!

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THEY ALL CHEER

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-Do we know what night yet?

-Saturdays at eight.

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THEY ALL GROAN

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Hey, this is still good.

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OK, fine, Saturday is shitty.

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But at least they're giving us a chance.

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Don't be dicks.

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Well, thank you, Morning.

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Words to live by.

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Don't be...dicks.

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So...that's our good news.

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Yay.

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That'll totally work.

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-May we see you for a moment?

-Yeah. Sure.

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What's up?

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Er, apparently, the network booked you on Jay Leno to promote the new night.

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-Yeah.

-And they're saying you're refusing.

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Right.

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Um...why?

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Seriously?

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Last week I asked you to kill me off the show.

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-What did you say?

-No.

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And now you're asking me to promote the show.

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-Yes.

-Uh, no.

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Look, I don't know if I mentioned it, but I just want this thing to fucking die.

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Perhaps you can tell Jay you want it to die Saturday nights at eight.

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Cute. Listen, I'm hardly in it.

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Now they're moving us to the worst night of the week?

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Why should I do anything to make this shit last longer?

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Why do you have to be such a selfish prick?

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Look around.

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There are 150 people here whose jobs hang in the balance.

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For once in your life, it's not just about you.

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Think about the other people.

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That seems unfair, but all right.

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I can't stop thinking about that whole Peru thing.

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All those people.

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Horrible.

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I don't know if I could survive something like that, I really don't. It's my worst nightmare.

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You want to talk worst nightmares?

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-Guess who's coming in to pitch tomorrow.

-Who?

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Merc La-pi-dus.

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No. Pitch what?

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-Shows.

-Merc Lapidus is pitching shows to you?! That's insane.

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That's like Henry VIII pitching to Anne Boleyn's head.

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See, stuff like that is probably why you don't have a lot of friends.

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And why do you have to do this?

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We've got a first-look deal with him.

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It was part of his exit package.

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Sounds awful. Just the two of you in a room.

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Oh, God, no.

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Andy and Myra will be there, plus Castor.

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Even so, I am dreading it, just seeing Merc again.

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It's like the thing that wouldn't die. SHE SHUDDERS

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You know the scariest part?

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What if I see him and all these feelings come rushing back?

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Let me just say this.

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If you get back together with Merc Lapidus,

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I will lose every shred of respect I have for you.

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-You have respect for me?

-Eee!

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Hey. You know this thing tomorrow night?

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You guys want to go together?

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Uh, first of all, no. And what thing?

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The telethon for the Peru thing.

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-There's a telethon?

-Yeah.

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George Clooney's doing it, Matt Damon, Taylor Swift, Jay-Z.

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-And you?

-Uh-huh.

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Fuck me.

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My publicist is trying to get me next to Jennifer Garner.

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Got to get me some camera time, right?

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Figure Ben Affleck comes over, I'm in the shot.

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Whole thing's pretty cool.

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Not for the 20,000 people that were killed.

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Where?

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Peru?

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Oh. Yeah. Right. Totally.

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So, you guys, uh, done one of these before?

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Uh, yeah. I did 9/11. AND Katrina.

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-Nice.

-I did the Exxon Valdez and Three Mile Island.

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Huh.

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Anyway, so this is my first one, it's kind of a big deal.

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So here's my question...

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Sport jacket or no sport jacket?

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Just like an open shirt? What do you think? Like, tie? No tie?

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Uh...I don't fucking care.

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OK, so, no jacket.

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And I figure they can't see my pants, so that doesn't matter, right?

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I'd still wear them.

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Exactly.

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-Also,

-I

-don't have to give money, do I?

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What?

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Did you do the one for the Hindenburg, too?

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Dick.

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So, how are the new meds working out?

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Better, I think. Yeah. I'm not hearing so many...

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-Voices?

-Yeah. Not as much.

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And the rage?

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Pretty good. Pretty good.

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Well, that's encouraging. Side effects?

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Dry mouth, constipation, discoloured urine?

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Everything makes me hard.

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-Talk about that.

-Everything.

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This morning, when I was getting gas,

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I got a boner putting the nozzle into the tank.

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Huh.

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-Does masturbating help?

-Eventually.

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But it takes fucking for ever.

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I'm getting calluses on my fingers. I might as well take up the guitar.

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Huh.

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Look, I understand this is difficult,

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but I would like to ask you to hang in there just a little bit longer.

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You're kidding, right? I can't roll over at night!

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I hear you, but other than that, the meds seem to be working.

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Hopefully, with time, this particular side effect will, uh...

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..abate.

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Cut. That's a wrap.

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-Well, good luck tonight on Leno.

-Oh, thanks.

0:08:220:08:24

Thanks. Hey, you guys want to come? Jamie's going to be there. We could all go out after.

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-Sorry. We have to work.

-What work? We're wrapped.

0:08:280:08:31

Maybe you're wrapped. We've still got hours yet.

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Doing what?

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-The writing.

-Is it stuff for me?

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No, but other people have to say words.

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-Are the words ABOUT me?

-No.

-Then fuck it.

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Let the other writers cover for once. Come on. They can do it.

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Do you even KNOW the other writers?

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Yeah, I know the other writers.

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-I ran into one at a club this weekend.

-Who?

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I want to say...Alex?

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We don't have an Alex.

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The kind of twitchy Jewish one.

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-That's all of them.

-Whatever.

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Come with me. You want to meet Jay?

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Not especially.

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Might be fun.

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We have so much to do.

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-You can have my gift bag.

-Do I have time to change?

-There you go.

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I just want to get this over with.

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I know. It's like waiting for Santa...

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if Santa was a bullshitting, two-faced asshole who fired me once.

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Merc Lapidus is here.

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Ho, ho, ho.

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OK. Bring him in.

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And please tell Castor so he can join us.

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Got it.

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You OK?

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Absolutely. I'm fine.

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TV: 'Rescuers worked feverishly through the night,

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'searching for any signs from inside the tunnel,

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'and then suddenly, About 45 minutes ago, a miracle.

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'A faint tapping sound from deep under the rubble.

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'Using the latest audio equipment,

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'rescuers established contact with a woman.

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'According to sources, she is trapped in a space

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'not much bigger than a coffin.

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'One can't help but imagine what it must be like for her,

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'buried in this dark, dank hole

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'deep in the ground

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'not knowing if she will ever see daylight again.

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'We're told she's barely able to move,

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'her body pinned beneath the debris.

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'A prisoner encased in stone and twisted steel.

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'Rescuers are hoping to snake a tube through the wreckage

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'to bring this woman much-needed hydration.

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'Presumably, she's gone over 36 hours without water.'

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-INTERCOM:

-'They're ready for you for the Merc Lapidus meeting.'

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I'll come as soon as I can.

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TV: 'And, of course, very...'

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There they are.

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Ha-ha-ha! You see?

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You don't get rid of me that easy.

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Come here!

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That's O... OK.

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There's my queen of comedy!

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Mr Button! Come here.

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Why don't we all sit down?

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-No. That's me.

-Whoops!

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HE LAUGHS

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So, how is everybody?

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-Miss me yet?

-We might if you didn't come back.

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Castor is stuck on a call. He'll join as soon as he can.

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Oh, that's fine. It'll give us all a chance to catch up.

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Great(!) Hmm...

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Look at this.

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Other than a Tonight Show mug, which I'll never use...

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men's cologne...

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..a tie...

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Tonight Show cuff links. This is all crap for men.

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It was meant for me.

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Tell them you want a girl's bag.

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Yeah. I'm not doing that.

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-If you don't want it, I'll take it.

-I didn't say I didn't want it.

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Hey, you made it.

0:12:140:12:16

Thank you. Sorry I'm late.

0:12:160:12:18

I was working the phones, raising money for Peru.

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Now they're saying it's the third-worst natural disaster

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in the history of Latin America.

0:12:240:12:26

A comb!

0:12:260:12:27

Who still uses a comb? This is bullshit!

0:12:270:12:31

-Hey, Matt.

-Hey.

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-So, Jay is fine with the mosquito story.

-Great.

0:12:330:12:36

There may not be time for the thing about your kids.

0:12:360:12:38

Ah. What if I don't talk about Pucks?

0:12:380:12:41

Hopefully we'll have time for all of it.

0:12:410:12:43

OK.

0:12:430:12:44

Oh, uh, by the way, um, I'm fine staying on the couch for Zac Efron's segment.

0:12:440:12:48

Um, actually, Zac's up first, and then he has to take off,

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so we're good.

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Uh, wait a minute. I'm second?

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Uh, yeah.

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Uh, no.

0:12:580:13:00

-Yeah.

-No. That's wrong. I'm always first,

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I'm...I'm never second.

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Uh...not sure what to tell you.

0:13:050:13:07

Well, there's got to be a mistake.

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It's not.

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Does Jay know about this?

0:13:130:13:15

And did you see the pictures of that church? Oh!

0:13:200:13:23

I'm telling you, my heart breaks for those people.

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Those poor, poor people.

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Peru.

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Never been there.

0:13:310:13:33

Not going now.

0:13:330:13:35

Mm...

0:13:350:13:36

I don't know what's keeping Castor.

0:13:380:13:41

-Why don't we start without him?

-No! It's OK!

0:13:410:13:43

I can wait for the big guy.

0:13:430:13:44

O-K!

0:13:440:13:46

Peter, please find out how much longer Castor's going to be.

0:13:480:13:52

TV: 'Although rescuers can still hear her moans,

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'they are definitely getting weaker.

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'For now, all that any of us can do is pray...'

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-Oh, please, God...

-'..that these rescuers...'

0:14:030:14:05

-INTERCOM:

-'They're asking again about the Merc Lapidus meeting.'

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I'm not coming!

0:14:080:14:10

TV: '..And dig this former...'

0:14:100:14:12

Ah. Thanks.

0:14:140:14:15

Ah.

0:14:170:14:18

Apparently, Castor just got called away to an emergency meeting out of the office,

0:14:180:14:24

so it looks like he's not going to be joining us after all.

0:14:240:14:28

Yeah. Screw him.

0:14:280:14:30

Everyone knows you've always run this place anyway.

0:14:300:14:32

SHE SIGHS

0:14:340:14:35

So, what have you got?

0:14:350:14:37

All right.

0:14:370:14:38

The first one is a one-hour

0:14:380:14:40

with a bit of a fantasy/horror slant.

0:14:400:14:43

Ooh! OK.

0:14:430:14:45

In a word...

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gargoyles!

0:14:460:14:48

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

0:14:510:14:52

Um, I don't know if you remember,

0:14:520:14:55

but right before you left, we actually explored this arena.

0:14:550:14:59

-We did?

-But I'm eager to hear your take on it.

0:15:010:15:04

Well, it's... That's pretty much it so far.

0:15:050:15:08

I mean, come on - gargoyles!

0:15:080:15:10

Right. Um, I think it needs a little more development.

0:15:100:15:15

Character, story, themes, a premise.

0:15:150:15:19

Fair enough. I-I hear you.

0:15:190:15:21

Also, you should just know...

0:15:210:15:23

A concern that I always had with... gargoyles as a concept,

0:15:230:15:28

in terms of the jeopardy,

0:15:280:15:30

it seems like if you just avoid gothic buildings.

0:15:300:15:34

Huh.

0:15:360:15:37

But maybe there's a reason why the characters have to be

0:15:370:15:43

near gothic buildings,

0:15:430:15:44

like, um, it's set at a university or something.

0:15:440:15:48

Well, there you go! Bing! We solved it.

0:15:480:15:51

OK. Well, let's stick a pin in that.

0:15:520:15:55

What else have you got?

0:15:550:15:57

All right. This one's a comedy.

0:15:570:15:59

Up your alley.

0:16:000:16:01

Mm...

0:16:010:16:03

Second? I'm on second?!

0:16:030:16:05

Why would they do that to you?

0:16:050:16:07

It's got to be Jay.

0:16:070:16:09

It's cos I took that fucking Lamborghini.

0:16:110:16:13

It's a limited edition. There was only one left in the country.

0:16:130:16:16

My car guy told me Jay really wanted it but I took it anyway.

0:16:160:16:19

This is him getting back at me.

0:16:190:16:21

-Would he really do that?

-Over a car? Uh, yeah.

0:16:210:16:24

Fucking Leno can be a total...

0:16:240:16:25

Total what?

0:16:250:16:27

Uh, mensch. A total mensch.

0:16:270:16:29

Mensch? So "mensch" means "prick" now? I never knew that.

0:16:290:16:32

Hey, uh, this is Sean and Beverly Lincoln. They created my show.

0:16:340:16:37

-Hello.

-Nice to meet you.

0:16:370:16:38

British or just really pretentious?

0:16:380:16:40

British.

0:16:400:16:41

And a little pretentious.

0:16:410:16:43

I don't know why I said that.

0:16:430:16:46

-And you know Jamie Lapidus.

-Do I know Jamie Lapidus?

0:16:460:16:49

-Hello, beautiful.

-Hi, Jay.

0:16:490:16:51

I am so sorry to hear about you and Merc.

0:16:510:16:53

Oh, don't be. I'm not.

0:16:530:16:55

-And now you're with this guy, huh?

-Yeah.

0:16:550:16:57

It's a good thing you can't see, cos he got really old.

0:16:570:17:00

-Hey, Jay, um, here's the thing.

-Yeah.

0:17:000:17:02

I just found out I'm on second?

0:17:020:17:05

-Really?

-Really.

0:17:050:17:06

-Yeah. Look, I'm not in charge of that. I don't know how that...

-Bullshit.

0:17:060:17:10

It's cos I took that fucking Lamborghini.

0:17:100:17:12

That was you? You fucking jizz bag.

0:17:120:17:14

-What, like you didn't know?

-Hey, if I knew, you wouldn't be on at all.

0:17:140:17:17

So why am I on second?

0:17:170:17:18

Look, it's not Friends anymore.

0:17:200:17:22

It's Pucks.

0:17:220:17:24

-Still.

-"Still".

0:17:240:17:26

There's no "still."

0:17:260:17:28

Shit...changes.

0:17:280:17:30

Believe me.

0:17:320:17:33

Enjoy the show, folks.

0:17:350:17:37

So, how do you know Jay?

0:17:440:17:46

Every year he hosts my Easter egg hunt for children's cancer.

0:17:460:17:49

Asshole.

0:17:490:17:50

Wow. I'm batting 0 for 5 here.

0:17:520:17:55

But that's cool. I got another one.

0:17:550:17:57

OK. Now, I haven't given this one as much thought.

0:17:570:18:01

Is that scientifically possible?

0:18:010:18:03

It's about this guy who loses his job and has to move home with his parents.

0:18:030:18:07

Um, can I stop you right there?

0:18:070:18:10

Again, it's an area we explored when you were here.

0:18:100:18:13

Uh, did we like it?

0:18:140:18:15

No.

0:18:150:18:17

-Ah.

-In fact, you were the one who said, "it's been done to death."

0:18:180:18:23

Well, you know me. I never remember what I say.

0:18:230:18:26

We do.

0:18:260:18:28

All righty.

0:18:320:18:33

This was so great. You've given us a lot to think about.

0:18:330:18:37

Let us talk.

0:18:370:18:38

Uh-oh! I know what that means.

0:18:380:18:41

Okey-dokey.

0:18:410:18:42

Hey, kids, could I have a moment with Mom here?

0:18:440:18:47

Mm.

0:18:500:18:51

Bye-bye.

0:18:510:18:53

Hate him. Hate him like Hitler.

0:18:540:18:58

-So, this was different.

-I'll bet.

0:19:010:19:03

Myra's still a hoot, I'll tell you.

0:19:030:19:05

It's no picnic being on the other end of that squirrel face.

0:19:050:19:08

I'm sure none of this is easy.

0:19:100:19:12

What, are you... Are you kidding me?

0:19:120:19:14

This is the part I love. The pitching and the schmoozing.

0:19:140:19:16

I tell you, this is the best thing that could've happened to me.

0:19:160:19:19

It's like a wake-up call. You know, just to recharge my batteries.

0:19:190:19:23

Seriously, you've got to buy fucking SOMETHING!

0:19:230:19:25

-I...

-Now, come on. I need this!

0:19:250:19:28

If I can't sell something here, no-one in this town is even going to talk to me.

0:19:280:19:32

Look, there's nothing here I can even bring to Castor.

0:19:320:19:36

Buy something? What am I buying?

0:19:360:19:39

You're buying five years of us! Of love.

0:19:390:19:42

OK. I-I can't do this. You've got to go.

0:19:440:19:47

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

0:19:470:19:49

That was shitty. I'm sorry. Please. Please wait.

0:19:490:19:52

I'm not...not in a very good place right now,

0:19:540:19:56

I'm not...doing a very good job handling it.

0:19:560:19:59

You know how hard it is to be 52 and...

0:20:030:20:06

realise you fucked yourself out of everything you ever...ever wanted?

0:20:060:20:10

I'll bet it's even harder at 58.

0:20:100:20:13

How are you?

0:20:230:20:24

Are you OK?

0:20:250:20:27

I'm OK.

0:20:270:20:28

How is it, uh, here with the new guy?

0:20:280:20:31

W...we're still feeling our way, but...

0:20:310:20:35

I think it's going to work out.

0:20:350:20:37

I'm glad.

0:20:370:20:39

You deserve good things.

0:20:400:20:42

Well...

0:20:420:20:43

How's the divorce going?

0:20:450:20:46

Oh, great.

0:20:460:20:48

By the time her lawyer's done with me, I might not even have the one ball left.

0:20:480:20:51

Ooh! That's not what you want.

0:20:510:20:54

SHE LAUGHS

0:20:540:20:55

And she's still with that asshole LeBlanc.

0:20:570:21:00

He's probably hanging in there just to piss me off.

0:21:000:21:03

Or it's not about you.

0:21:030:21:06

Euh.

0:21:060:21:07

Hey, I started taking pilates.

0:21:070:21:10

-No!

-Yeah, yeah. I fucking hate it.

0:21:100:21:13

Don't fold me!

0:21:130:21:14

We should get a drink sometime. Dinner... Something.

0:21:190:21:22

No.

0:21:240:21:25

I'm just talking dinner.

0:21:250:21:27

And I'm just saying no.

0:21:270:21:29

OK. That's fair.

0:21:320:21:33

I get it.

0:21:340:21:36

All right. So, this was...great.

0:21:360:21:39

Thanks again for coming in.

0:21:390:21:41

My pleasure.

0:21:410:21:43

Maybe next time, the big kahuna will grace me with his presence.

0:21:430:21:46

I know he wanted to be here. I'm sorry he got called away.

0:21:460:21:50

-Next time.

-We don't need to do the goodbye hug.

0:21:510:21:53

Whatever you want.

0:21:560:21:58

-It's going to be OK.

-How is it going to be OK?

0:22:080:22:10

I-I can't even back out now.

0:22:100:22:12

I'm sorry, but so you're on second. I don't get what the big deal is.

0:22:120:22:16

I don't know how it works on the little island where you come from,

0:22:160:22:19

but here it sends a message!

0:22:190:22:21

Something as stupid as coming out second says everything.

0:22:210:22:24

You're over. You're on your way out.

0:22:240:22:26

-Viewers aren't stupid.

-Some of them are stupid.

0:22:260:22:28

Some of them are stupid but most of them get it.

0:22:280:22:30

I didn't even want to do this fucking thing in the first place.

0:22:300:22:33

Thanks(!)

0:22:330:22:35

What the...

0:22:480:22:50

Motherfucker!

0:22:510:22:53

-He's here!

-What?

0:23:000:23:02

-That bastard's here, isn't he?

-Who? Oh, no...

0:23:020:23:04

Now, don't bullshit me! Meeting out of the office?! I saw his goddamn car!

0:23:040:23:08

-Hang on. You don't want to...

-Is he in there?

-I'm sorry, who are you?

0:23:080:23:10

Hey! Asshole!

0:23:100:23:12

If you're going to piss on me, at least do it to my face!

0:23:120:23:15

-Please don't do this.

-Yeah, I need security.

0:23:150:23:17

You don't even have the common courtesy to open a door?!

0:23:170:23:20

You listen. You listen to me, you prick!

0:23:230:23:25

Someday you're going to be the one standing out here,

0:23:250:23:28

and I hope whoever is in there treats you with a little more respect than you are treating me!

0:23:280:23:33

-You hear me?!

-HE BANGS ON THE DOOR

0:23:330:23:35

You little shit!

0:23:350:23:37

You little shit!

0:23:370:23:39

You goddamn weasel hiding in your little hole!

0:23:390:23:42

I made this network number one for four years!

0:23:420:23:46

Four years!

0:23:460:23:48

Let's see how long you last! You'll be gone before the coffee gets cold!

0:23:480:23:51

Y-y-you're a blink. You're a footnote!

0:23:510:23:54

And you, what have you done? You came out in digital, for God's sake! Digital!

0:23:540:23:58

What the fuck is that?! You're nothing!

0:23:580:24:00

You're nobody!

0:24:000:24:01

Fuck you!

0:24:010:24:03

Fuck you, you cocksucker!

0:24:030:24:05

Fuck you!

0:24:060:24:08

Just saw Zac Efron.

0:24:290:24:31

He's losing his looks.

0:24:310:24:32

How fast?

0:24:320:24:34

Sorry about tonight.

0:24:390:24:41

It is what it is.

0:24:410:24:43

It is what it is.

0:24:430:24:44

-You're wrong about one thing.

-Yeah?

0:24:470:24:49

You are far from over.

0:24:490:24:51

Mm.

0:24:510:24:53

I think I've been over for a while and no-one bothered to tell me.

0:24:540:24:57

It's not like they send you a thing in the mail.

0:24:570:25:01

You don't know. Pucks could catch on.

0:25:020:25:05

New night.

0:25:050:25:06

No?

0:25:060:25:07

Nah.

0:25:070:25:09

What kills me is I knew when to quit.

0:25:100:25:13

I could've gone out on top.

0:25:130:25:15

It's like Vegas. When you hit it big, walk away.

0:25:160:25:19

Don't...stay at the fucking table till it's all gone.

0:25:190:25:23

The good news is you don't actually have a gambling problem.

0:25:230:25:26

-No, I do.

-Really?

-Kind of.

-Oh.

0:25:260:25:28

There you are. We've been looking for you.

0:25:300:25:33

What's that?

0:25:330:25:35

It was for Zac Efron.

0:25:350:25:36

What? Like he needs more fruit.

0:25:370:25:40

He's out here.

0:25:410:25:43

Hey...

0:25:430:25:44

-What's up?

-Bad news. No show tonight.

0:25:460:25:49

-What?

-Sorry. They're pre-empting us. We just heard.

0:25:490:25:52

They're doing a special on the devastation in Peru.

0:25:520:25:55

Yes! Thank you, Peru.

0:25:550:25:58

I have Carol here to see you.

0:26:000:26:03

'OK.'

0:26:030:26:04

Oh! Uh, I didn't realise you were... I can come back.

0:26:090:26:13

Stay. I'll be done in 22 seconds.

0:26:130:26:16

All right.

0:26:160:26:18

Hand me a towel.

0:26:190:26:21

No! Not that one!

0:26:230:26:24

In the bathroom.

0:26:240:26:25

This one better?

0:26:280:26:29

I, uh...

0:26:340:26:35

I just wanted to apologise for Merc.

0:26:360:26:39

-Yeah, what the hell was that about?

-I know.

0:26:390:26:42

I've never seen him like that. Well, not quite like that.

0:26:420:26:47

-He's got issues.

-You think(?)

0:26:470:26:49

I know he seemed like a lunatic today, but...

0:26:490:26:52

..he's not a bad guy.

0:26:530:26:55

He's just going through a...really hard time and...

0:26:560:27:02

And what?

0:27:020:27:03

He makes me sad.

0:27:030:27:05

Oh, Jesus.

0:27:070:27:08

Sorry.

0:27:080:27:10

You OK?

0:27:100:27:12

I'm fine, really.

0:27:130:27:15

Thank you.

0:27:200:27:22

So embarrassing.

0:27:220:27:24

I-I never cry at work.

0:27:240:27:28

Well, I'd hug you, but, uh, obviously, I'm all sweaty and...

0:27:290:27:34

That's OK.

0:27:360:27:37

I don't mind.

0:27:370:27:39

Yeah, OK.

0:27:400:27:42

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