The Box Family Tree

This programme contains some strong language.

WOMAN: Does it seem normal to you that we're going to lunch with Dad?

Yeah, I know. And it's a bit weird.

I haven't seen him in a few months.

Mmm, I mean, for no reason, just to go around there for lunch?

Yeah.

I hope there is no reason, but...

I'm sure he's fine.

-He eats a lot of sausages.

-Yeah.

Do you think that we'll get there and he's just gonna say,

"I murdered her, she's in the bath"?

LAUGHING

"She's in the bath just stewing in her own cabbage."

LAUGHS: Oh, God. I've eaten before I came.

-Good call.

-Yeah.

So, um... so, are you, uh...?

I don't know. You're fine?

-Yes, I'm fine.

-Are you going out with anyone?

-No, I'm not going out with anyone.

-Why not?

-Because I don't want to.

-It's been about six months.

-Yep. I know.

A woman would just get in the way of my wallowing.

-Right.

-Which I've really grown quite attached to.

OK. Have you got a lot more to do of that?

-I've got, like, another six months of wallowing in me.

-OK.

Would you mind checking on Monk for me?

-Because that seat is new to me...

-Yeah.

..and I don't know if I've done it up right.

-I'm sure he's fine.

-Well, he might not be.

Would you mind just having a look?

Would you mind, actually, with your own hands to check the strap?

-Check the strap on the thing?

-Thank you. Yes.

-Thank you.

-Oh, yeah. Actually, it was a little loose.

-Was it loose?

-Mm-hm. It's fine now.

-Come on, Monk. MONKEY:

-Are you crazy?

-No.

DOORBELL CHIMING "COLONEL BOGEY MARCH"

What the...?

-There's 15 verses of this.

-Yeah.

Buna ziua, Tom, Bea, and Monkey! Please, please, you come.

-Okey-doke.

-Thanks, Luba.

SITAR PLAYING Vikram, do I look fat in this sari?

No, Chitra,

you ARE fat in that sari.

LAUGHING

< Hey, Dad.

-Hello, Tommy. How are you?

-Good.

-Sit, sit, sit. Hello, sweetheart.

-Hello, Dad.

Have a seat, have a seat. Remember this one?

You look like an elephant just dropped

a steamy heapy on the carpet.

VIKRAM: I am very much worried

about this new Sahib chappy who has moved in next door.

They don't make 'em like this any more.

LAUGHING

He may not even be any caste at all.

Of course he isn't. He's from Seven Oaks.

HE SIGHS

There goes the neighbourhood.

LAUGHING

Keith, Tom, Bea, dirty monkey puppet, it's time. Is food.

Very nice, love.

My own personal Nigella Lawson here.

HE CHUCKLES

-So you didn't have any trouble getting here or anything?

-No.

It was good. Pretty quiet.

Although there was a bit of a march in Walthamstow.

-Yeah.

-Psychos with...

-Hmm?

-..with placards.

It was quite dangerous-looking.

It was just a little diversion we had to make.

-What kind of a march?

-Paedophiles.

-Really? They let them march?

-Anti...anti-paedophiles.

-Anti-paedophiles?

-Yeah.

-BEA: Oh, right, yeah.

So, my parents got divorced when I was nine,

which was an adventure, um...

My mom went back to Ireland, which is where she's from,

and I went with her, because I love to travel.

HE LAUGHS

And, um, Bea stayed here with Dad.

I don't know why that decision was made or...

But I'm happy with the way things worked out.

I stayed there for around nine years, then I came back to London

'and I got a job at the Central London Accident Investigation Management.'

C-L-A-I-M.

Spells CLAIM.

Like in an accident.

My job was to assess each specific accident

and to attribute responsibility

to one of the parties, which was pretty sexy.

So I got made redundant from that.

-How's the job quest going?

-Oh, good. Yeah.

I had an interview the other day for something kind of in my area.

Risk assessment, but for a new bouncy castle company.

-What's that?

-Like bouncy castles, like the one kids jump on.

-Kids jump up and down on them.

-Oh, yeah, I've seen them.

-They look dangerous.

-LUBA: Very fun. Bouncy castle.

-Ooh, I like that.

-Luba knows it.

-Like bed.

-OK.

-It's inflatable.

-Yeah.

-Like your wife.

-Monkey!

'I did serve Her Majesty. Served her well.'

20 years in the army and then...

Ho, ho, some wonderful years as a Yeoman Warder.

But I wound up taking early retirement to pursue my other dream.

I wanted to invent something that would change the world,

make life better for people.

This is one I'm working on now.

I haven't quite got the bugs worked out of it yet.

You know when your feet are hot?

You don't want to put on a hot shoe, do you?

You want a nice, cool shoe.

So this is a shoe tree.

You insert this into the shoe

-and flip on this little fan.

-WHIRRING

You see?

And what it does... it cools the actual shoe

before you put it on.

Conversely, if your feet are cold,

you don't want to be stepping into some cold and clammy shoe.

But you turn this on, and these heating el...

-ZAPS

-Ah, fuck me!

These heating elements here,

they heat up and they warm the shoe.

LUBA: You like?

Um, yeah, it's really syrupy,

-which is what I like in a Sunday roast.

-You want more?

-Um, I think...

-Yeah.

-All right.

Brilliant. Right in there with her fingers. It's terrific.

-Still erect.

-Yeah. Sausagis erectus.

Truly disgusting.

He's only joking. It's amazing!

Yeah, I was on holiday in Wales.

Which was bad enough in itself.

And I came across, um, a puffin.

And this puffin was, um...

-Masturbating.

-He was touching himself,

-you know, in an inappropriate way.

-Looking directly at her.

And I found that... took it as a personal affront.

-She took it very hard.

-I was just very young, you know?

I didn't know how to process that sort of thing emotionally,

so it was suggested that I went to a child therapist.

She hadn't spoken in weeks.

And this therapist told me that I might be able

to let out my inner voice with the use of a hand puppet.

So the rest is history.

We've been together ever since, you know?

And I find it wonderful, because I have his companionship.

I...I take a lot of the heat, it has to be said.

You know, it's not all laughs with Monkey,

because holding down a job, finding a job where

they will put up with him, you know, that really is a challenge.

'Currently I'm working in a bank. I bring Monkey in two days a week.

'But you're really hopeless at counting out the money.'

I find it difficult.

I don't have the manual skills.

Yeah, but the inaccuracy.

Er, you asked us to come over, Dad. What was... What's going on?

-BEA: Oh, right.

-Well, a bit of sad news.

There's been a death in the family.

-Oh, no.

-Really?

-It's your great-aunt Victoria.

My aunt, my father's sister Victoria has passed on.

-Oh, no.

-She was in her 80s.

She was in her 80s. She had a good, long life.

She was a good sort. I didn't know her terribly well myself.

But, um...

you know, the good news is she's left us all a little something.

-That's great!

-Yeah.

-Exciting.

-Um...

-I mean, sad that she's dead,

-but that's great.

-Well, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-That's your lot, Bea.

-Ugh, it's stained.

I don't think that's coffee.

And this is all yours.

Impressive.

-Um...

-KEITH CHUCKLES

Ah.

-Oh, that's nice.

-Well, I've needed a new pincushion.

-No, you haven't.

-No, I haven't.

ANNOUNCER: Next on The Plantagenets...

-MAN:

-Your treachery and cruelty will end on this very night

unless you release my brother, the Duke of Grimsby,

before the sun rises.

KING: Never!

DOOR OPENS

Don't kill her. She's the only reason I watch.

Please, Father, don't let them hurt me again.

Again?

ANNOUNCER: The Plantagenets on BBC Two.

-DEEP VOICE:

-Well, hello.

Who the hell are you?

RINGING

Hello?

Hey, Dad. It's Tom.

-Hello, Tommy. How are you?

-I'm good.

Listen, I was just looking through that old chest

-that Great-aunt Victoria gave me.

-Oh, yes.

Yeah, and I just came across a photograph of an old fella.

He's a stout-looking man

and he's got some interesting facial hair going on.

-Oh, and he's in full military garb.

-You know who that might be?

I think that's probably your great-granddad,

my grandfather Harry.

-Harry?

-Yeah, he was supposedly some sort of military hero.

Oh, wow, a military... I didn't know that. That's cool.

-Is there anything else you can tell me about him?

-No, not really. No.

He died long before I was on the earth.

-OK, well, cheerio, Dad.

-Bye, now.

-DEEP VOICE:

-General Harry Chadwick, leader of men,

grower of beard.

-Mr P.

-Hello, Tom Tom.

-How are you doing, mate?

-Good.

You know, crying myself to sleep.

-What you got there?

-This is, um...

My great-aunt died and she left a box of bits and bobs,

and I thought, "I know a man who enjoys his bits and bobs."

-That's my field - bits and bobs.

-And this was in it.

I think it is my great-grandfather Harry.

-Oh, look at that.

-Yeah.

-Blimey, he's a stout fella, isn't he?

-Yeah.

-I see the family resemblance.

Puff your cheeks out a bit.

Yeah. Narrow your eyes.

-Yeah. No, not really. No.

-No? OK.

Well, I can tell you this much.

-It's turn-of-the-century, I'd say.

-Right.

Anywhere in the early 1900s.

Uh, Tommy, I wouldn't do that. That's not a musical instrument.

It's a Victorian dildo. Early prototype.

I'd like to be able to say you don't know where it's been,

but I think we know exactly where it's been, man.

Listen, I'll tell you what.

There's a fellow who deals with this stuff.

He's an antiques photo fellow.

-OK, cool.

-He lives just outside of London.

Here is his card. Neville St Aubrey.

-Ooh, hello.

-Yes, well, never judge a book by its cover, Tom.

I wouldn't like to see him in a care home.

Well, in his case, actually, you CAN judge it by the cover.

-He's mad as a box of frogs.

-Oh, good to know.

'The one good thing about'

being in your own place and living the life you want to lead

is you have time for hobbies and pastimes. I've got a couple.

Got into something called "landmarks in a bottle."

'It's putting things in bottles, but it's not ships.

'So it's like the Taj Mahal,

'Big Ben, the Eiffel Tower, whatever, Mount Rushmore,

'and you stick it in the bottle. And I think that it's more original.

'It's fiddly. I'm not very good with these sausage hands.'

But I think I'll get there in the end,

create some fine works of art.

ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA

-Hello. I'm Pete.

-Uh, best mate.

His best mate. HE LAUGHS

First time I met Pete was the first day of primary school.

Oakeshott Primary.

And I got a little overexcited.

Couldn't handle his fizzy pop.

-I went on to soil myself.

-He wet himself.

-Got ridiculed by everybody.

-Everyone. And the teachers.

-Yeah.

-Everybody took the piss except for one person.

-Except...

this guy, here.

He waddled over and he said...

I said, "Don't you worry, son. I do it all the time.

And sometimes on purpose

Cos I enjoy... BOTH: "The sensation."

-Which was very sweet.

-And with that, a bond was formed...

-Can't break that.

-..that could never be undone.

Except I went off.

Except you went to Ireland and got your silly accent.

But we kept in touch, didn't we?

-Yeah, I would write letters and...

-I wouldn't write letters.

I ph... mine was mainly phone calls.

I get... my hand gets tired of writing.

-Never perfected joined-up writing.

-I can do j... I just... It bores me.

-While I was away, you started at a zoo.

-Yes, I started

at a Saturday job as a 16-year-old in a zoo,

and look at me now...

Zoological Cage Management Associate

in one of the top children's zoos in London.

-You shovel shit.

-Yeah, I shovel shit.

It's one of my many jobs at the zoo.

At least animals have got roughage in their diet.

So I came back after about 10 years,

and it was like nothing had changed.

-Cos it hadn't.

-But we've always had three things in common, haven't we?

Booze, birds, and the Spurs.

-And the Spurs.

-And the Spurs.

-And the Spurs.

-Football chants.

TOM LAUGHS They love that, don't they?

-Yeah.

-Obviously, I get a little more action

in the lady department than him. You just have to look at this

and listen to this, and you'll understand why.

Tommy's had a bit of a rough patch recently. Haven't you?

-Oh, you know Natalie?

-Uh, no.

-I'm seeing her at work.

She wears the Larry the Ring-tailed Lemur outfit.

-Right.

-And she likes to keep it on.

And me. And she likes me to dress up as well.

-Anyway.

-Anyway, she's got a mate, Ellie...

-No, no.

-She's fit and we're setting you up.

-No.

-Trust me, she's model pretty.

-What kind of model?

Cos the last time you did this, she was a model for garden furniture.

No, no. She's cat...

-not supermodel, catalogue-model fit.

-Like in a magazine.

Like in a free-leaflet- through-the-door-model fit.

-She's a junk mail model?

-Y...yeah.

-Forget it.

-I can't forget it.

I've already said yes.

LAUGHS: Ah!

-Where are we going?

-Platform 4.

Oh, yeah. Mm.

Tom and Sarah.

What... I don't know... She broke him.

And it's sad.

He's still... I know it's tough on him

and he's still not over her, but he needs to get over her.

I never liked her, to be honest.

I never thought she was right for him.

And it turns out I was correct.

Do you know what's sad?

What's sad is seeing a man of that size crying like a little baby.

I'd come back from the zoo

and he'd be sat there in my flat in his pants,

playing PlayStation day after day.

And I'm a bloke who enjoys playing PlayStation in his pants,

but five days is like two days too long.

PETE: Right, so you get to have a right old fondle

-of a supermodel's fun bags.

-Lovely.

-And she's got big ones.

-Right.

But...but you've got to get off with your dad

for two minutes... tongues and groping.

Well, that's tricky. He's such a handsome man. This is us.

-6.

-6.

-I thought it would look more like a shop.

-Yeah, a bit more.

-All right, into the abyss.

-All right, I've got your back.

-Sort of.

-Don't touch it.

-In a way.

HE KNOCKS "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT", PETE CLAPS "TWO BITS"

-Old classic.

-PETE LAUGHS

-Ah, gentlemen!

-Mr St Aubrey.

-How do you do?

-Mr Chadwick.

-Hello. Mr Pete.

-How do you do?

-Please, come in. Come in.

-Thank you very much.

MUSIC PLAYING

Wow.

-There they are.

-PETE LAUGHS

-Call off the search. We found 'em.

-No.

-The entire Chadwick clan.

-Still got it.

-Thank God 3-D is new.

-Gentlemen.

-Hey.

-We're in here.

Lovely. Thanks.

Could I interest you in a little lunch?

You know what? I just had an Egg McMuffin on the tube.

I'm gonna say no. I'm sure Pete will tuck in willingly.

-When in Rome...

-Well, if you change your mind, please feel free.

-Thank you very much.

-Shall we get down to business?

-Yes, indeed.

This, I believe, is my great-grandpapa.

My goodness me!

Your great-grandpapa would appear to be a full field marshal.

-I did not know that.

-Didn't you?

-No.

-Yes, indeed.

But the real source of interest for me has to be hopefully contained

on the back of the photograph.

As I thought... Graysons of Brighton,

an extremely popular studio in the southeast of England.

-Oh, I see.

-Graysons of... They're the best.

And with a little aid, we can establish the photograph was taken

in 19...02!

Excellent.

-Now, what I need to do is just...

-HE GRUNTS

..take hold of this.

That's not a real book.

19... Ah, 1902. Here we start.

The name again, please.

-Chadwick.

-Chadwick.

Chadwick, Chadwick, Chadwick, Chadwick.

No. No such luck. Let's hope that 1902 extends.

No, I'm afraid to say that there is no Chadwick.

But all is not lost.

Because the studio itself was so popular,

they had a habit of subcontracting...

-Right.

-..those out to other studios.

So with a little more research,

I'm sure I can come up with further information.

OK, OK. Great.

So please leave me, like a dog, to snuffle around.

-All right.

-Oh, right.

-Thank you.

It totally makes sense to me.

I've always had kind of a military air about me.

-PETE LAUGHS

-What?

How? How have you had a military air about you?

-Well, my bravery, my kind of innate courage.

-Bravery?

What courage and innate bravery?

-I was the first out of our group to wear skinny jeans.

-You might...

Let me paint you a picture, tough guy.

1992, we were both young men of 12 years of age,

we've just seen Spurs beat Arsenal at White Hart Lane.

You're giving it all to Billy Big Bollocks.

Cut to you getting chased down Seven Sisters Road

-pursued by a bunch of gooners.

-Yeah, there was, like, 10 of them.

There were THREE of them and they were eight years old, bruv.

PHONE HONKING Oh, text alert.

-They were behind enemy lines. I didn't...

-It's Natalie.

Oh! Ellie would love to go on a date with you.

It's on. It's on like Donkey Kong.

Come on, you're going on a date, big boy.

TOM GROANS You might get some "actione."

ELLIE: So how far do you go back?

-Like, into the...?

-I'm really sorry. Into the past.

How many ancestors away do you go?

Oh. That's a good question, Ellie.

I'm not sure how far back the records and stuff go...

I mean how far back is it recorded?

Back to sort of dinosaur times or...?

-I mean, that sounds really stupid, doesn't it?

-No, no.

-No, no, really, it sounded really stupid.

-A slip of the tongue.

I didn't mean that anyway. Cos dinosaurs... Obviously,

Some dinosaurs still exist, so that would only be going back,

like, 10 years or whatever. You know what I mean.

Sorry, what?

-Sorry?

-Dinosaurs still exist?

-Mm, yeah.

I know some people still think they don't exist, right?

-Some people don't think...?

-Some people don't.

-Right.

-But most people do, I think.

Because, I mean... obviously, they do,

because birds are a type of dinosaur, so...

-Mm-hm.

-And, um...and, you know, they still exist in Africa,

because there's been loads of sightings of dinosaurs in Africa.

HE COUGHS

-There are, like, big birds.

-Mm-hm.

Apart from all of that, apart from Africa

-and everything like that, there's the, um...

-Yeah.

The Loch Ness Monster.

And that's actually... That isn't a lie, is it?

Because obviously people have photos of the Loch Ness Monster.

-That's right.

-And the 1930s... they didn't have Photoshop.

-Not really.

-They didn't even have iPads or anything.

-No, they didn't have any of that stuff.

-So they couldn't actually...

you know, they couldn't Photoshop it,

-so it's obviously actual photos.

-Yeah.

And that's not... I mean, that's not a fish, is it?

-It's a dinosaur.

-It's not a fish, certainly.

It's probably... like you said, it's probably...

-a bloody dinosaur, isn't it?

-I don't know, actually,

where the Loch Ness Monster is, but it's somewhere in Scotland.

-Probably in Loch Ness, isn't it?

-SHE LAUGHS

-I think that's where...where it is.

-I think that Loch Ness is its name.

I think that it's in Edinburgh or Dublin.

You think that Loch Ness is the name of the actual creature?

Yeah, that's why it's called the Loch Ness Monster.

You're probably...probably right. I hadn't really thought about it.

-DEEP VOICE:

-Harold Chadwick.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Ah, you're there.

Neville St Aubrey here.

-Hey, Mr St Aubrey.

-How are you?

-I'm really great. How are you?

I'm extremely well. Um, I've made a discovery.

-Ooh.

-Which I'm certain will be of the utmost interest to you.

I'm reluctant to go into any further detail over the phone.

-Sure.

-But I'm in London and would love to meet you

at your earliest possible convenience.

Uh, I can meet you in a half an hour.

That will be excellent.

-I'm sorry I'm late.

-Oh, not at all, not at all.

-I had a little thing.

-This is so exciting.

-Yes.

I'm so glad you could be here.

Just hold on one second. Can I just get a cup of tea?

-Yeah.

-Any pastries? Actually, it doesn't matter. Go on.

-Yes.

The discovery I've made is that the man in the photograph

that you showed me the other day was none other than Prince George,

-the Duke of Cambridge.

-Shut the front door.

-Yes.

-Harry was a royal. That makes a lot of sense.

Unfortunately, it is not your great-grandfather

Harry Chadwick.

-It's not?

-No.

Aw, shit.

Why did...why did Victoria have the photo?

Because your great-grandfather Harry Chadwick TOOK the photograph.

-Harry was a photographer?

-He was indeed.

-Oh.

And he is in the catalogue of photographers

that worked from that studio at that time.

And I am pleased to be able to show you

-a picture of your great-grandfather...

-Oh, great!

-Harry Chadwick.

-Yes.

Oh, sorry. Wrong page.

-Oh.

-HE LAUGHS

There he is...

your great-grandfather.

It's a Chinese man.

Yes.

Hence his name... Harry Chadwick.

I'll take that carrot cake, thanks.

# When I found you, I found myself

# I was gonna love you like nobody else

# But I never really had a clue

# How to love a girl like you

# Two true believers, we devised

# A temporary paradise

# Now our future's in the past

# I should have known

# It wouldn't last

# I should have been a better man

# You could have been a better friend

# I'm alone but that's OK

# I guess the dice just rolled that way. #