Country Life Family Tree

My job was risk assessment.

So, I got made redundant from that.

Victoria had two brothers. William and Brian.

One that could do no right and one that could do no wrong,

and that was William.

-You know who Brian is?

-I never met him until my dad's funeral.

Never saw him again.

My great grandfather, Harry Chadwick?

He was the back end of a pantomime horse!

I think I can say he was the best.

And his partner, Sid Balducci, was the front end!

The real reason Harry and Sid fell out, was because Elsie,

Harry's wife, had an affair with Sid.

Contains some strong language.

GAMES CONSOLE BEEPS

Alistair Chadwick, Jr.

Glendale, California.

He's got a phone number on here.

His number's on here, Pete.

Good.

Do you know who I'm talking about?

Yeah, the, um...

the bloke you're always talking about.

-That's right. I thought you weren't listening.

-No. God, no.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-This is...

-Oh.

-..Thomas Chadwick.

I'm looking to speak to Alistair Chadwick Jr.

This is a voicemail. I just realised.

I am a... your relative in London, England.

And I have got your details from tracemypast.net.

We're spawned from the great Chadwick oak.

So let's chat about how great that is. Thank you very much.

-IN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Y'all have a nice...

come back and see us, now. You hear?

-They'll love that.

-Yeah.

-That was your out.

They probably thought I was an idiot until they heard that.

And then they're like, "Oh, he's just one of us."

One of the gang.

Oh, f...

You've made me crash.

-These are so old.

-Oh, Tom, you'll never guess

what old muggins here has got to do this week.

-Uh, finishing primary school.

-No.

-Um, you're going dogging in Kew Gardens.

-No, you won't guess.

I have got to get alpaca spoo

to inseminate a hembra.

Typical me.

I... I mean, I didn't understand any of it.

I've got to get spoo from an alpaca...

Spoo?

Spoo. Spoo.

You know, spoo, spunk, jizz,

-cock snot, baby batter, nut butter.

-Semen.

-Semen.

-Yep.

-That's another one.

-I'm familiar with it.

Yeah, so I've got to get alpaca spoo

to inseminate a hembra, a female alpaca,

and have a baby.

And what's a baby alpaca called?

Oh, God! It's the new Sherlock Holmes.

That's an unusual name.

You seem a bit preoccupied, Holmes.

Do you notice anything unusual, Watson?

It does seem a bit hot in here.

Your capacity for gauging the subtle changes

in your own body temperature is admirable, Watson,

but the warmth you are feeling is the result of having

more Marmite than usual on your sandwich at lunch.

And as a doctor, you would know that yeast extract

contains a high amount of niacin,

which has caused you to experience a slight heat flash.

However, my concerns

are somewhat more cosmic in nature.

I don't understand.

-What are you doing?

-Getting my DNA

to speed up the whole family tree thing.

Yeah? Give us a go.

It kind of defeats the purpose if you use the same...

I want to do it. Why can't I do it?

All right.

Yeah, OK.

-Could we be related?

-I don't think so.

-I hope not.

I'm no button expert. I've never claimed to be one.

But I think these are American. It's got an eagle on it

and it says "quality" on the back.

So it can't be made in England.

These people are American... Charles and Rebecca Chadwick.

But they left America.

When everybody else from England and Ireland were on ships

heading over to the East Coast, Charles and Rebecca Chadwick

came from America on their own

to spawn Harry Chadwick, my great-granddad,

and later me and all of these guys

and this guy, Brian, my great-uncle.

And later his sons Graham Chadwick

and Ronnie Chadwick, who I've tracked down.

And they run a farm in Derbyshire.

I'm going to go and see them, cos I want answers.

-Think this is good?

-Yeah, I'm not sure, Tommy.

I think this might be more Warwickshire

or Leicestershire than Derbyshire.

I just want to make sure that I fit in. This is nice.

Did I tell you that I met Sarah at Sainsbury's?

It was good. Really nice.

The first time since...?

Yeah, first time since we broke up.

So it was good. She was looking well. She was looking...

Um, she was with someone.

-Some guy called Clint.

-Clint?

It was closure, actually. It felt nice.

Although she did do this thing where she'd...

that kind of, you know... "Hey, Tom," you know?

She'd kind of drop her head to one side.

I'm like, "I'm not having that."

So then I was like, "Oh, I'm fine. How are you?"

She was wearing red lipstick.

I used to love when she would wear red lipstick.

She would never wear it for me

because she thought it looked too slutty.

She would wear this pale pink shit.

But, no, Clint likes red lipstick, so she's all over it.

She looks like a big sexy clown mouth. I think this is good.

I like the hat. Just top it off. What do you reckon?

-You want my honest opinion?

-Yeah.

-You look like a grade-A cock, man.

-That's great.

-Thanks for coming in, Mr Chadwick.

-Sure. Sure, no problem.

Are you familiar with the new software?

The new software...

Which... which one would be the new software?

The industry standard software that we all have to use now.

We were more hands-on. We would use models and...

So you don't know how to use the software?

No.

All right. Um...

Please give me the job.

Right, come on in, Taurus.

Step one. Impregnation.

Getting you in the mood...

for lovemaking.

Oh, look at her. Eh?

You know she's got a really long neck

and little, short, stubby legs and a great big arse.

I don't know what's up with Taurus.

He might not be ready to be a dad.

Do you know what? If someone was...

Cos I was there watching him, telling him to get hard.

And that's... that's an added level

of pressure and anxiety

that no bloke needs, and no-one wants that to happen.

But I imagine being a dad.

How cool would that be?

I'd love to be a dad.

I mean, I've got to find the right girl first.

None of the girls I'm seeing at the moment are...

they're not mother material. Well, one of them is a mother.

But the hers are like 16 and 18.

I met her at an over-40s night in Catford.

And she's a terrible mom, actually.

I mean, so I wouldn't... none of the ones I'm seeing would be...

but if I meet the right girl, I'm happy to have a baby.

It'd be a little babe... and I'd wear it on a papoose

and then I'd push him on the swings and the roundabouts.

Then I'd have a go, cos I still love playgrounds,

especially when drunk.

I get a bit nervous once we get out of town, you know?

I don't trust nature. It's anarchy.

I wonder why Brian and William fell out.

Could be a million things.

-MONKEY:

-Maybe he was locked in an attic.

Didn't get out much. Ate cat food.

Mildred said that one of them could do no good

and one of them could do no bad.

-What does that mean?

-I don't know.

It's probably something very mundane.

-Has someone farted?

-Monkey!

-I farted.

-No, that's her lunch.

PHONE RINGS Ooh.

Sorry.

Oh.

-What's up?

-Al.

-Remember I was telling you about Al in California?

-Yeah.

He just text... he's going to...

he's going to call me later.

-What's his relation to us?

-Oh, God.

He's...he'd be your...

a third cousin of yours.

-Aye.

-Yeah. He seems really nice.

-Uh-oh.

-Bea, stop car, please.

-Uh-oh, that's her number two face.

-I think you'd better pull over.

-Stop car.

Sausage need to leave me. Stop car!

I'm going to. I'm going to.

-Look for a place to pull over, Bea.

-Hurry, hurry!

-All right! Calm down!

-Jesus Christ!

-I need to go!

-Shut up!

God, that is a primitive woman.

Oh.

"I think that I shall never see

"A poem as lovely as a tree.

"Poems are made by fools like me,

"But only God can make a tree."

I didn't write that.

It's just... that was written by...

LUBA SHOUTS OUT IN MOLDOVAN

Trees are great.

-All good?

-Yes.

I think you're missing something.

Didn't you have the complete set?

Yeah?

Christ.

Good-bye Kitty.

"Preparing the AV device.

"Semen can be collected in several ways.

"There's the use of an artificial vagina..."

"Which is what AV stand... artificial vagina.

"...electro ejaculator, or by massaging by hand."

Mm-mm. I'll go with the artificial vagina.

Right.

Well, this must be it.

-MONKEY:

-Oh, hallelujah.

-Ey up. You all right?

-You must be Graham.

-I'm Graham, yeah.

-I'm your cousin Keith.

-Keith.

-I'm the city mouse.

-My wife Luba.

-Luba.

-Do what, love?

-Luba.

-Oh, right.

-Yeah.

-Orange head.

-Here's Bea.

-Hello. How are you?

-And this is Tom.

-Hello.

-Hiya.

-Bloody hell, you're a size, ain't you?

-I'm a big fella.

-Ey up. I'm Emma.

-Hello.

-What's all this, then?

-Hello, everybody.

Emma, Carol, Henry, down there's Sweet Pea.

-Aw.

-Remember that cos there'll be a test later.

-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah.

Right, well, you guys better... are you all right to take them?

-Where are they going?

-Cinema.

-Cinema's fun, isn't it?

-Do you want to come inside?

-That'd be great.

-Why don't you come and meet...

Ronnie's in the barn, so you might as well come and...

-I'll say hi to Ronnie.

-We'll see you in a bit.

Will you put the kettle on, Graham, for...

-Oh, right, yeah.

-Where is pig?

She wants to meet your pig. She's mad for pigs.

So you've been up in Derbyshire before, then?

I don't believe so. I don't believe so.

The air is very distinctive.

Yeah, it's the manure, I'm afraid.

-Ronnie?

-Yeah?

-Tom's here.

-Oh, Tom! You made it.

-I did. Look at all these.

-How lovely to meet you.

Is there a problem? Why don't you...?

I'm joking. It's just one of the old...

-Oh.

-He does that every time.

-Yeah.

-Every time.

I left your dad making tea, so it's going to be a disaster.

-See you later.

-OK, thank you.

-Well, welcome.

-Look at all those lovely ladies.

Lovely ladies, yeah. And they're all pregnant, actually.

-How can you tell?

-Ah, well, there you go. You see?

-Oh, you put your hand up them, don't you?

-Put your hand up.

That's what we've been doing for the last two days.

Do they have funny eating habits when they're pregnant?

No. Like, are they like, "I don't want straw,

"I want avocado mousse and vanilla yogurt"?

No.

Do you keep any of that close by in case?

No. No.

No, they just stay with the hay.

That's... yeah.

Oh, that's a handsome woman, that is.

Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry. Very sorry.

Well, you know what they say...

"rooster today, feather duster tomorrow."

-More truth in poetry there. A shame.

-Yeah.

-How'd she go, then?

-Lung cancer.

-Was she a smoker?

-Like a fucking chimney.

Yeah, I gave them up myself. Yeah.

Well, it's...

Is that "Move Along, Please!"?

-Yeah.

-That's my favourite programme.

-Go on.

-Yeah. Richard Breen.

Oh, there's a funny man.

-Richard...?

-Richard Breen.

-Richard Breen, yeah.

-You know, Sergeant Biggins.

-I do, yeah. Keith. Eh.

-What?

-You don't... get out of here.

-THEY LAUGH

-May I?

-Yeah. Easy, easy.

There he is. There's Sergeant Biggins.

-Rare as rocking horse shit, that.

-I'll bet.

-How did you score this?

-Swapped it for Julie Andrews.

-Well, you came out ahead, didn't you?

-Yeah, no contest.

-Small world, eh?

-Yeah.

-Isn't that funny?

The two of us have something like this?

I know. It's amazing, ain't it?

When you came up from London, I thought, "Oh, fuckin' hell."

Knee deep in cow shit. I didn't know what to expect.

Why don't you fire one up? Just put one in.

-You want to see one?

-Why not?

They'll be busy in there for hours.

-I were watching it only last night.

-Were you?

You gotta guess which episode.

All right. I'm fairly confident.

How many seconds?

Give me five.

-I'll give you three.

-All right. Here we go. All right?

How do these look?

-"Stakeout."

-Oh! What?!

-Series two.

-That's a record!

THEY LAUGH I'm on two seconds.

I love this one.

Does he wear orange well or what? THEY LAUGH

-I love this bit. I love this bit.

-Yeah.

Excuse me, miss.

Can you direct me to the nearest muffler shop?

No, but I can help you clean your exhaust pipe.

-PC Dawson?

-PC Dawson?!

-Sergeant Biggins?

-Sergeant Biggins?!

You idiot.

Tonight is the prossy sting.

Ah, Keith, mate!

All right.

Why your cabbage so small?

It's a Brussels sprout.

-It's a Brussels sprout.

-Witch put curse on cabbage.

Oh, no, they're lovely. They're lovely. You should try them.

-No.

-Don't worry, she's hard to please.

What are you doing with this? What is it?

-It's my dress.

-You steal from gypsy?

No, it's... I'm being a maid in it.

It's for the feast of St Krakowitz.

-Oh, right.

-You know, in the village?

What's that... the feast?

We've done it for, like, centuries.

It's, like, we've got loads of fun for all the fam.

They've got coconut shies.

They've got the stocks, you know, where we throw tomatoes.

You must have heard of the Riddle Stomp Flap, yeah?

-No.

-No? Oh, it's ever so funny.

It's from, like, the 13th century or something.

But they do the dan... like,

"One, two, three, huh! One, two, three, huh!"

And then on the third "huh," you kicks someone else up the bum.

-This your festival?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Not very good.

In Moldova we have Festival of Life...

Targul de Fete. It very, very good.

All the virgin, they go up to mountain

to see magic chicken

who give magic egg to virgin.

Then all men come and they sing

and dance and drink and eat all night.

At miezul noptii... is midnight...

virgin put egg in mouth.

In morning, sun come up, take egg from mouth.

If egg no broke, she virgin. They love for ever and marry.

If egg broke, she not a virgin. She prostituta.

He throw big cabbage at her head.

And baby dragon, he come out of egg and eat dirty lady face.

-Well, sounds lovely.

-It very fun. You must come.

Let's take this one up here.

-If you'd just grab him...

-I get to hold him?

-Yeah, you get to hold him.

-Oh, my God! Wow!

-There you go.

-Oh, hello. Hello, little fella.

-Very good.

Now hold him tight, and with your other hand we just want you to...

with... with these.

What are those for?

For castrating the... castrating the lambs.

-Shut the fuck up.

-No, it's what we've gotta do.

Because we're rearing these for meat.

-That seems... that seems really intense.

-Oh, I know.

Well, it's really a lot more civilised

than what we used to do... bricking.

-What's bricking?

-You just get two bricks,

any kind of bricks, household bricks, and...

-really give them a...

-Got it.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

"Smash, crackle, and pop" we used to call it.

-That's cute.

-Yeah, you like that?

So get a good hold of that and, like I say, clamp on,

twist and pull in a clean motion,

so you get them... you pop them both off.

-Got it?

-It's farming, isn't it?

-That's it. This is it.

"Be bold, bloody, and resolute,"

Shakespeare, I think, said...

So, yeah. No time like the present.

-I can feel its heart beat.

-Yeah, I bet you can.

-I need toilet.

-Sorry?

Is there a loo out here or anything?

-Sure, yeah. There's one in the barn.

-I'm just going to do that first.

-You don't want to do...?

-No, I can... I need to toilet.

-I need to do it. Sorry.

-Hand him back. There we go.

But these will be waiting for you on your return.

-He's saying, "You've gotta nip these off."

-Yeah.

-"My little nuts."

Ugh! Don't look at me.

Don't look at me!

Ugh!

-MOBILE RINGS

-Oh, God. Why now? Why...?

-Hello?

-Hey, Pete. It's Tom.

Tommy! Ha-ha. You all right, mate?

Yeah. Um, quick question.

-I'm at the farm in Derbyshire.

-Mm-hmm.

And the farmer wants me to castrate a lamb.

We've all got problems, mate.

-I'm trying to bring off an alpaca into a tube.

-ALPACA GROANS

I wish I couldn't see what I can see now.

-OK, I don't want to...

-I've been doing it for 40 minutes.

-Feels like my arm's going to fall off.

-OK... PHONE RINGS

Oh, hey, wait... wait a sec...

You know what, Pete? I'm going to have to call you back.

I've got another call coming through.

Oh, yeah. No, go.

Hello!

Hello there.

-Tom, hi. It's Al.

-And it's your cousin Kitty.

-From California.

-Hi!

-Hello!

Great to finally meet you via satellite.

I know. This is exciting.

It's nice and clear.

I didn't think we'd see you so good

-through all that pea soup fog in Old Blighty there.

-Yeah! HE LAUGHS

It looks so... it looks so bright there.

Well, we're in California, so it's very, very sunny.

It's morning and it's sunny

and we just picked some fruit and ate it.

Oh, I love fruit. I love fruit, Al.

Yeah. We pick it in the yard cos we've got orange trees and...

-We've got lots of trees.

-You've got fruit in your yard?

-You should come see it.

-Don't say that, Al, cos I will come.

-You should! Come stay with us.

-We'd love it.

You're a saviour. That would be terrific.

I'll e-mail you some dates and you pick. We're serious. Come on down.

Come "across the pond," as they say.

Hop on over.

Give us a tinkle first and let us know when.

OK.

-It's funny. England is funny.

-It is.

-Listen, we'll e-mail.

THEY LAUGH

All right. Sorry, you're breaking up a tiny bit. Thank you so much.

-OK. Cheers! OK.

-Cheers!

-Cheerio!

-Bye...

-He's nice.

He IS nice.

Ah, here he is. Man of the hour.

All right. Here we go.

-Remember what I said? Good purchase, twist and pull.

-Yeah.

-All right.

-All right. LAMB BLEATS

OK.

Yeah, I don't think I can castrate a lamb today, Ronnie.

HE LAUGHS

-What?

-Tom, I wasn't going to make you do it.

They don't even do it like this any more.

-You were just messing with me?

-Yes.

-Oh.

-That's not funny.

-Well, it's quite funny.

-A bit of farmyard humour. Gets us through the day.

-HE LAUGHS

If I could walk like that, I wouldn't need talcum powder.

Did you bring your truncheon with you?

No.

-Laughter's the best medicine, isn't it?

-I wet myself sometimes. Yeah.

-The older you get, the easier it is to wet yourself.

-Yeah.

-Oh, God.

-He's a genius, he is, this man.

-That's funny stuff.

-If only coppers were like that today

-like they was then.

-What, dressed up in frocks?

-You don't mean that.

-No, no. I mean, you know, real coppers.

They were different then.

That's the greatest bunch in the world, police.

Oh, they're a bunch of wazzocks now.

Listen, that's the toughest job in the world

and that's the toughest bunch, and they do a great job.

Mm. I think we might disagree on this, Keith.

I think we might.

We beseech Thee, Lord, send us less rain

and protect us from BVD, bluetongue

and trypanosomiasis.

Thank You.

Amen.

Please, help yourselves. Get the...

Speaking of grace, do you know why God made farts smell?

-For the deaf.

-Ahem.

HE LAUGHS

-Aw, Dad.

-It was a joke.

-So, um, Luba, is it?

-Yes.

I've just finished reading Salman Rushdie's latest...

-I'm allergic to fish.

-Right.

So, you remember I said I was looking into

my family past or our family past?

-Uh-huh.

-Well, turns out that William and Brian,

our grandfathers, had a bit of a falling out.

And I don't really know what it was about. Do you have any idea?

You want to hear about the dark side of Derbyshire Chadwicks, don't you?

-That'd be great.

-Right, you'll like this, Keith.

-Will I?

-Keith's dad William

and my dad Brian, they were brothers, right? Right.

And one day, William decided to tell Brian something

which he should have kept to hisself.

And it was who was Brian's real dad.

-It wasn't...? Sorry, wasn't Harry his dad?

-No, it weren't.

-Shut up.

-No, no, no, no.

Now, you see, Harry and Sid Balducci

-were part of the horse.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Harry were back end.

-Right.

Sid were front end.

Harry were married to Elsie.

-But they all went around together, you know.

-Yeah.

Well, one day, Sid and Elsie... how shall I put it?

-She got front-ended, yeah.

-She got front-ended

and result was a lot of little redheads.

-Are you sure about this?

-Am I sure?

I'll show you something, shall I?

See this?

-Sid Balducci.

-Sid Balducci.

We don't come from the arse end of the horse.

We come from front end, don't we, lad?

So not to put too fine a point on it...

the redheads are bastards.

Food was shit.

Yes. Come away, Bea.

Say goodbye. Yeah, yeah.

-Thank you so much.

-No, not at all. Thank you.

And, you know, feel free to...

if you want to get your hands dirty again on the farm,

-you know where to come.

-Sure.

-We should hit the road.

-Yeah.

Very interesting meeting you all. Safe journey.

Do you think we need to tell them...?

-No, I think they...

-But if they go...

No, they found their way here.

I'm sure they can find their way back.

If I had to be somewhere for eternity,

-this would be all right, eh?

-Yeah.

There they are. The ginger Chadwicks.

That's my grandmother on the end.

-How do you say that?

-Bunica.

-My bunica there.

-Hello.

And there's Uncle Brian, mysterious Uncle Brian,

and a woman named Sophia on top of him.

You're next, Keith.

You're not wrong. Hardly worth the trip home.

I don't think I want to be a farmer now, actually.

They seem to be either too posh

or... or too angry.

At this stage I'm more interested in

taking up Al on his offer

of checking out California.

You know? A bit of sun, sea...

And their other stuff.

I might be able to find out why Charles moved

from America to England.

Idiot.

# When I found you, I found myself

# I was going to love you like nobody else

# But I never really had a clue

# How to love a girl like you

# Two true believers, we devised

# A temporary paradise

# Now our future is in the past

# I should have known

# It wouldn't last

# I should have been a better man

# You could have been a better friend

# I'm alone, but that's OK

# I guess the dice

# Just rolled that way. #

-How are you?

-I'm in America!

-Hey! In America!

So the school you went to, was it like Hogwarts?

You, sir, deliver a juicy sausage!

You can see the marks on the side of the meat

from when the jockey was whipping it.

-Can I talk to Bea?

-Oh, she's sleeping.

Do you have a special lady in your life?

I'm Stan Laurel. She's Hardy.

I can start a fire with a garlic press and some bear scat.

Tom! Bend over and put your hands on your knees!

-Not the first time you've heard that, huh?!

-HE LAUGHS