Welcome to America Family Tree

This programme contains some strong language

I'm no button expert but I think these are American.

Charles and Rebecca Chadwick came from America

to spawn Harry Chadwick, my greatgrandad, and later me.

I started a Saturday job as a 16-year-old in a zoo

and look at me now.

-Tom, Hi, it's Al. And Kitty! From California.

-Hi!

I'm checking out California.

I might be able to find out why Charles moved from America to England.

Idiot.

LA, baby!

Al and Kitty have invited me over

to pursue the Chadwick bloodline.

And the timing just felt right.

You know, with the break-up and the..

the redundancy,

it just felt like it was time to, you know,

stop sitting around and waiting for my life to happen.

So...

here I am at LAX,

Los Angeles...

X.

-I don't know what the X...

-Tom!

Here, look. Whoa!

-Oh, Tom. So sorry.

-No.

-The traffic.

-Are you late? I didn't even notice.

-The freeway was a sardine can.

-So lovely to meet you.

-Oh, look. Hey.

-Aw!

-I made this today.

That's so sweet, Kitty.

-Yes. Do you like it?

-Come on, I got the car right here.

-Great.

-Let go. Let go.

-OK.

Remember, we're having a BBQ tomorrow.

We're having a barbecue in your honour.

You're going to meet your relatives.

-Rick Tillman from the Tillmans is coming.

-And Julie.

-Rick and Julie.

-Julie, his girlfriend.

David Chadwick's coming all the way from the Carolinas.

-Oh, my God.

-He drove his car across the whole country.

I'm going to make a big salad.

You're going to see all your relatives.

-Oh, it's...

-Do you like music?

I do, yeah.

-Do you like R&B?

-R&B?

Put it on, put it on.

Yeah. Oh, great. Wow.

Check it.

Mm-hmm.

# She's the kind of lady...

# She's the kind of woman

# I call her baby

# And she calls me uh-huh...

# When I see her walking...

How about it? How about it?

Does R&B mean the same thing here?

-Yes, rhythm and blues.

-Oh!

# She's my lady baby... #

It's so beautiful. Someone's got green fingers.

-That's me.

-Is it?

We love this neighbourhood.

-It's just perfect.

-We just love it, love it, love it.

-Palm trees on your roads.

-Yeah.

Here we are.

Ooh!

It's lovely.

Thank you.

This really is quite beautiful, guys.

-Oh, thank you.

-All her keen eyes. She did all this.

-No!

-I did, I did.

I actually got a book and I read a book

about how to redo a house, and that's how I learned.

Well, it worked. It was a good book.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

And si casa c'est mi casa.

Well, I think you're trying to say, "Mi casa es su casa."

"Our house is your house," en espanol.

Oh, yeah. I saw there was loads of Mexicans at the airport.

Yeah, it's California.

Yeah. While you're here, anything you need,

anything you want, you just tell us.

-Thank you.

-I grew up in this house.

This was my father's house and there's a lot of...

a lot of great memories in this house.

I can't, for the life of me, remember any of them, but...

So, you want to see your room?

-I have my own room?

-And your own loo.

Stop it.

Well, I'm Al Chadwick

and I was born and raised

in Glendale, California.

And I'm a podiatrist,

the son of a podiatrist.

I can say I successfully followed in my father's footsteps.

Met a lovely lady some years ago,

seated to my left here.

I saw her number on a bathroom wall.

She's not that kind of girl and I'm not that kind of guy.

Some prankster had put her number there.

But it was kismet. It was serendipity.

We were destined to meet and we've been in love ever since.

We have. We have.

-This is your suite.

-Oh...

Our daughter's away at grad school, so this is all yours.

It's been a while since I've been in a college girl's bedroom.

-Oh, really?

-Hopefully this will be less harrowing.

Well, she won't be back for a while.

Terrific. It's great.

Well, this is embarrassing. So just,

I was fostering a senior citizen basset hound

who had a little bit of a bladder control.

-We've got to recarpet this.

-I know, but in the meantime...

-We'll throw something over it.

-Some sand or something.

-We've all been there.

-And this is your bathroom.

-Your very own.

-Sweet.

That's great, actually.

That's about to see some serious action.

Oh. Well, it's all yours.

-And I'm going to get dinner started.

-What would you like to drink?

Uh, I'll have a lager. That'd be great.

Oh, that's a beer.

Oh, a beer. Yeah.

Now, it's cold. Do you mind?

Shall I heat it up for you?

No, that'd be fine.

-Cold works.

-OK.

Lager. Lager.

Lager. That's close enough. Thank you.

Oy.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

-Tommy, it's me.

-Hey, Pete.

Hey! How are you?

-I'm in America!

-Yay!

You're in America!

-What's a bear's favorite pasta?

-What?

Oh, shit. I don't know, Pete.

What's a bear's favorite pasta?

-Tagliatelle.

-What?

Teddy! Tagliateddy.

Oh, tagliateddy, not tag...

You all right?

I'm great.

I mean, I'm a bit jet-lagged, but I'm all right.

What time is it there?

Uh... I'm still on old time.

Wait, what time is it? It's really late there.

It's 3:00 in the morning here.

-Where are you?

-I'm at work.

I've been up all night.

I've been helping the zebu give birth

to a little baby zebu.

It came out of its mum's... front one.

Yeah, that's how that works.

Any, listen, I can't wait to see you.

-You too.

-It's going to be amazing.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing you, man.

All right, buddy. Love you!

-Love...

-Bye!

-Yeah.

Oh, toilet.

"I'm looking forward to meeting Pete."

Yes, that's going to be fun.

I'm excited that Pete is coming to visit.

I'm a little worried how Kitty will deal with him.

Pete's great.

But when he used to come and visit

when I was living in Ireland with my mum,

he... He would insist on sleeping naked.

Which is fine when you're at home.

But when you're camping

or sleeping on your friend's mother's couch,

it's a little, it's different.

So this would be

my great-great-grandfather Charles.

-Yes.

-And this chirpy little chiquita

-is his wife Rebecca.

-Rebecca and Charles.

Yeah, this would be a brother of your great-grandfather Edward.

Edward. So this would be my great-granduncle.

That's the one.

And here he is in his military garb

during the Civil War, but there's a button missing.

And I found a couple of buttons

in Victoria's box.

I don't know what that one is for,

but this one looks like it's a match.

-Isn't that amazing?

-Let me look at that.

The British are coming! The British are coming!

-Tata tata!

-Oh, boy. My neighbour.

-There he is!

Hey. Sorry, my bagpipes are in the shop.

Your Majesty, I beg your indulgence.

-Enter, sir.

-Mike.

Hello. How are ya, Al?

-Very good, Michael.

-Seen anything mysterious lately

-you want to report?

-Just now I did.

-Hi, I'm Mike.

-Hello.

-And you're?

-I'm Tom.

We're just getting over the Beatles invasion.

Hey, I brought you some English muffins so you'd feel comfortable.

That's very thoughtful, Mike. Thank you.

You might want to toss them in the toaster.

I understand these Brits like their buns warm and well-buttered.

I don't know what that means, but OK.

And something to take back to England to your friends.

This is a toothbrush with a book of instructions.

Use it twice a day and call me in the morning.

I'm just having some fun with you there.

-Cos we've got bad teeth.

-Yeah.

So, is this your first time in the States?

Yeah, first time. American virgin.

So, listen, we have a great country. Make a point to see it.

You can ski in the snow, you can swim in the ocean.

Or if you wanted, you can go to San Francisco and go both ways.

-You know?

-OK.

-Hi, Kitty.

-Hi, Mike. How are ya?

-You look great.

-Thanks. It's good to see you.

-You staying regular?

-Oh, trying.

-OK.

-You know, trying.

CAT MIAOWS

I didn't... Sorry, I didn't know you had a cat.

Oh, that's Kitty.

We rescued her from a really, really horrible high-kill shelter.

Very, very sweet. No claws.

-You like cats?

-What's that?

-Do you like cats?

-Uh, yeah, I like cats.

I like cats. I'm pretty allergic to them.

Oh. You want me to move the cat?

Yes, that would be terrific.

-Don't kill it.

-Careful, careful.

Yeah. It's vicious, isn't it?

I'm not allergic to cats. I just don't like them.

When I was younger, Bea told me that they're the devil's spawn.

And I think she's right, as it happens.

Some people don't like cats

because they don't know what they're thinking.

But I don't like cats because I know exactly what they're thinking.

They're thinking, "Why don't we all get together

"and scrape out Tom's eyes in his sleep?"

There's definitely something there.

He's a lot slimmer.

BEEPING

Fuck.

Hi.

Hey, Monk.

How are you?

OK.

Is Bea there?

Well, she's sleeping.

Um...

It's pretty late here. Can I talk to her?

No. She doesn't feel like talking.

She's sleeping.

Well, what's going on with you?

Well, she's depressed. She lost her job at the bank.

-Aw, shit.

-Yeah.

Sucks.

Were you there when it happened?

Yeah, I was there. Ugly.

-Was it your fault?

-No.

-Was it?

-No.

Can I talk to Bea?

No.

Will you tell her that I'm really sorry

that she lost her job?

Yeah.

I'm really not going to talk to Bea?

Is that, I'm just going to talk to you?

She's sleeping, I said.

OK, I'm going to...

I'm going to go. Sorry, Bea.

Night.

Night.

You know, thanks to my father, Al Senior,

I got a wonderful education as a podiatrist.

But a more important part of my education came

when I was just 14.

I went to Camp Weenahaha up in the Sierras there

and we had Native American leaders

come and teach us the old ways.

Elders came and taught us things about

"kaheenaha," you know, whittling.

We learned "pohsiwhoa,"

which is firestarting, and

"yoleven," which is Indian gaming.

I can start a fire with a garlic press and some bear scat.

I can make an old cigar humidor into a drum for signalling help.

These are skills that I've honed over the years.

And, you know, we need to think in those ways.

There's going to come a time, and I mean soon,

when you'll turn on the lights and nothing will happen.

I learned to not only operate, but to build a ham radio.

So I'll communicate with my friends out there,

like-minded people who know this is coming,

and that's why I have the SUV with the high clearance

to get over the barricades and get back home

and help my wife and feed her and keep her warm.

We're going to need these skills, because the time is coming,

and I mean, I mean now.

-You doing OK, Tom?

-I'm doing great.

-I am nailing this.

-Oh, good.

You know, I wanted to ask you,

the school you went to, was it like Hogwarts?

Yeah, I bet it was. What was that like?

Was it, like, did the teachers wear

those hooded pointy hats like wizards wear?

Yeah, no. Not so much.

Did you save your outfit? I'd love to see it.

Yeah, yeah, no.

I like the movies and everything, but it wasn't really like that.

Hey, can you just grab me a bowl when you get a sec?

Whoa. Sorry.

Oh! You found my products. That's OK.

I was actually meaning to tell you that I have these products I make.

They're called "flushes" and they're like enemas. They come in all different flavours.

I'm working on more flavours, actually.

You know what? It would be great for you because it would help your jet lag,

it would make you feel perky and energetic.

I feel pretty perky already.

They're fantastic. It's like an anal milkshake.

-Why are they flavoured?

-It's interesting.

There are tiny taste buds up inside your anus.

-Shut up.

-Yes.

And if you don't like these, I've got a bubble gum,

I've got a strawberry shortcake I'm working on.

Some cookies and cream right up the...

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get that, actually.

Great. Oh, I can't wait.

This is going to be great.

Oh.

Just...

We can come right in. I'm not worried about...

-Oh, hey.

-Hi.

-Tom.

-Yeah, hi. Rick.

-Rick!

-And, uh...

-Julie.

Julie. From Redondo Beach.

-That's exactly right.

-I've got it all up there.

You've got it figured out.

-Lovely to meet you.

-Nice to meet you, too.

We brought you a little something. Actually, Julie made it.

Yeah, it's just meats.

It's a really good Lebanese dish.

That sounds delicious. I'll bring that in.

Actually, I'd like to hold on to this, if you don't mind.

-She'll just carry it.

-That's fine.

Why don't you come through?

This is exciting.

Welcome to Al's BBQ.

We have some multicultural fare for you today

for our friend who crossed the pond.

We got our English bangers, Italian sausage,

and we got the bratwurst, so a little bit from three countries.

The size and the girth of that one there

reminds me of sausages from Istanbul, I believe.

It's called "sucuk"

and it's mostly horse meat and cumin.

And really spicy, really spicy. It would knock your socks off.

Stuff like this would just be dull.

-I've seen those.

-You can see the marks on the side of the meat

from when the jockey was whipping it.

Yes, you would. Yes, you would.

You know, my stepmother is Moldovan,

so we have a lot of native sausage in the house in London.

Yeah, it's really something. Full of flavour.

None of which are pleasant.

The cheese is always the first to go.

I know. Do you eat imported cheese?

No. You mean from different countries?

Yeah, like France or Italy or Ireland.

I just look at the box, the colour of my mood, the pictures.

I don't read what it says.

Cheese is cheese.

No. Well, but it's not because...

Hello?

-Is this the Chadwick house?

-Yeah.

-Hi. I'm Dave Chadwick.

-Oh, hi, Dave. I'm Kitty.

-How are you?

-It's nice to meet you.

Hey, Al, Dave's here.

David. Welcome, welcome.

Hey. How's it going?

Nice to meet you live and in person.

Ooh.

Mm. You, sir, deliver a juicy sausage.

There's nothing more exciting than a barbecue.

So, uh...

Dave, do you have a special lady in your life?

Well, I did.

Ah.

-What?

-It's a complicated story.

-Right.

-I have a couple of pictures.

Oh.

This one.

-Guadalupe is her name.

-She's very beautiful.

Yeah, she's from Peru. That's why she's wearing that hat.

Ah. They wear those all the... I didn't know that.

They do, yeah.

That's us trick-or-treating on our street.

-Really good.

-Yeah.

-Which one?

-I'm Stan Laurel.

She's Hardy.

Oliver Hardy, but she called herself Ola.

She couldn't say Oliver for some reason.

You made quite the couple.

-Yeah.

-But it didn't work out?

She's missing.

She went missing about three years ago.

She's just missing?

I don't know where she is, to be honest.

That's terrible. I'm so sorry.

I looked for her for about a year and a half, pretty solid,

and then it started to kind of dwindle off.

-I had other things I was doing you know, working, of course.

-Yeah.

So now, I'll be honest, I don't know where she is,

but I'm kind of back to my regular routine.

You guys got on, it was a good relationship?

Right.

My part of the Chadwick family

come from mostly North Carolina,

but other places as well.

Mostly what I know

is about my grandfather, Phineas,

who was a musician

and a collector of art.

And he was also an actor

and a baseball player.

# Spotted pup runnin' around the barn

# Spotted pup runnin' around the barn... #

He's a good banjo player, isn't he?

Yeah, he's a good musician.

He's got a nice voice, too.

# Where are you goin'? #

And that's the spotted pup song.

-Nice.

-Hey.

-That was great.

-Yeah.

-That's a funny little piece there.

-You look like him.

I can see it. I can see it, yeah.

A little bit, yeah, yeah.

I have an interesting document here,

which is a passenger list

which shows Charles Chadwick

going to England.

-Can I take a look at that?

-Yeah. Here.

Let's see.

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

So, he left for England on April 16, 1865.

It's so weird that they would go to England.

Yeah, you know, history at that time

was just drinking and gambling.

Maybe he had a big gambling debt and had to go.

Or maybe he just didn't pay his taxes and he had to flee.

-Well, that's possible.

-Can I see that?

Yes.

I find this date of particular interest.

April 16, 1865,

two days after Lincoln was shot.

Whoa.

Why would that be...?

My great-granduncle Charles Chadwick

has the resources to go over to England?

-Where'd he get his funding?

-Holy shit.

Al, I don't know where he would get his funding. I don't.

People just get jobs.

He had a job, all right.

It's widely known that Booth did not act alone. He had an accomplice.

And the chatter over the telegraph at the time

was that it was someone sympathetic to England.

History doesn't show that at all, Al.

-No-one has ever claimed that there was a...

-Yes, it does.

I hear music and the sound of laughter.

Hi. How are you? I'm sorry I'm late.

Listen, Kim is at home with a bad migraine.

Migraines are very painful, particularly for me

because that means there'll be no hanky-panky tonight.

-I'm sorry.

-I don't mean to be crude saying hanky-panky.

But there's ladies present and I didn't want to say "fuck."

Oh, right.

Look at me sitting in shorts.

California.

It's mad to think, you know, a couple of months ago,

I didn't know that these people existed.

And here we are just bonding.

And I suppose it makes sense

that we're connecting so quickly,

because we're all part of this tree.

This is what I'm getting as time goes on.

I'm a part I'm a twig,

a sheltered little Irish twig,

and Al and Kitty are a high branch

that have been in the sun too long.

Rick's the trunk.

Dave's a bit of gnarly bark.

All connected.

So the warden comes over and he says, "Bad news.

"Tonight's your night in the barrel."

Gives a whole new meaning to "feeling your oats," huh?

Ah!

Hey, Al, is that a Wiffle ball set?

-Is that yours?

-It's our daughter's, actually.

My gosh. Let's have a Wiffle ball game. What do you say? Everyone up for it?

I could do that. I'll do that.

All right, everyone spread out in a semi-circle.

Dave, you set them up into position.

-Just stand out there.

-OK.

Help Tom. You show him, Al.

-Can I play with a beer in my hand?

-Absolutely, yeah.

Just keep your head up. All right.

All right, Tom, bend over

and put your hands on your knees.

Not the first time you've heard that, huh?

All right, everyone ready? This is just a practice.

It's a beautiful day for a Wiffle ball game.

The weather is sunny with a 40% chance of a home run.

-Ow! My gosh!

-Oh!

Kitty! You OK?

-No!

-What are you doing?

-Careful with that.

-Oh, my God.

-I see a retina.

-Put this on.

It's some ice-cold lobster.

-Lobster?!

-This is from the ocean.

The shell is going to cut her. Get that out of here.

-But it's nature.

-I need, like, a vegetable.

Her retina's going to detach. You've got to hold that in.

Here's a couple of shrimp. They're very dull.

-No salt.

-No, no, please.

This is so nice.

This is pleasant.

Do you ever do this in London Town?

No, I don't have a hot tub. Don't have the space.

So much room here.

-Yeah.

-I love this.

Nice, isn't it?

It's weird to think if things had gone slightly differently,

Edward had gone to Britain,

Charles had stayed here,

this would be my hot tub.

You'd be a podiatrist.

Playing "Kitty Kitty Bang Bang" here.

Oh! I don't hate the idea of that, Al.

With no accent. Yeah.

Well, I'd have an American accent.

Well, that's not an accent.

Dave?

Want to get some trunks and come on in?

Dave, come join us.

Come for a little dippy-dippy, Davey.

Well, here's the thing.

I have a vestigial tail.

And if I get in the hot water,

it's going to inflame it,

and you don't want that to happen.

So probably best that I don't submerge it.

You know, it's just a nubby little thing. It's like a knuckle,

but it gets all red at the tip.

Is that, is that a hereditary thing?

It is, actually, yes. It doesn't run maybe in all parts

of the Chadwicks, but it's, in my case, I have to get

one half size larger in pants

because it protrudes.

So thank you for the invite,

but I shall go beddy-bye now.

-Thank you.

-Good night.

All right. Nighty-night, cuz.

I don't see a tail.

It must be the fit of the pants. I couldn't see a thing.

It's probably one like a Doberman pinscher kind that just is...

Maybe they bobbed it like you bob a dog's tail.

Right, and I bet... I wonder if he'd wag it.

Sweetie, I'm getting tired.

-I am, too.

-You want to hit it?

OK.

Yeah, I might just stay and look at the stars for a bit.

-You stay.

-I don't get to do this often.

-Stay as long as you like.

-Night night.

Thanks so much for today.

Oh, sure. Good night.

-Here you go, sweetie.

-Thank you, thank you.

-Hey, Tom.

-Huh?

Where is everybody?

Um, they went to bed.

Oh. Well, if the ladies have all retired,

then in that case,

looks like I don't need these.

# When I found you, I found myself

# I was going to love you like nobody else

# But I never really had a clue

# How to love a girl like you

# Two true believers

# We devised

# A temporary paradise

# Now our future's in the past

# I should have known

# It wouldn't last

# I should have been a better man

# You could have been a better friend

# I'm alone, but that's OK

# I guess the dice

# Just rolled that way.