Chin Chin Father Figure


Chin Chin

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Transcript


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I will defeat Lord Voldemort. No, I will defeat Lord Voldemort.

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No, I will.

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I want to be Harry Potter.

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Well, you can't - you have a girl's voice,

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and that's why you're Hermione.

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It is I, Gandalf.

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You must not quarrel and fight any more, children.

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You must come together as one and defeat Lord Voldemort.

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Gandalf is from Lord Of The Rings, Dad.

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Shove up.

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BOTH: Hi, Mum.

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Ooh, Tom, can I have a word with you for a sec, please?

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And who are you supposed to be?

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MasterChef's Gregg Wallace.

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My old friend's coming to stay.

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Who? Karl.

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I've never heard of 'im?

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(ELAINE SIGHS) We used to go out.

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Whoo! Did you kiss him, Mum?

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Have you?

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Look, he's been abroad for a few years

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and he's coming home and he needs a place.

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"Ooh, I love you, Elaine."

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"Take me to Paris." Shut it.

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There's no way one of your exes is staying here.

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You've not met him, you don't know what he's like.

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(HE GASPS) You've kissed him.

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You've probably seen his bum.

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(KIDS LAUGH)

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Don't get your chin in a flap, he's just going to be here

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until he finds a place to rent.

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(HE TUTS) When's he coming? Tomorrow.

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Tomorrow?!

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KIDS: Tomorrow!

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Tomorrow! Everybody, panic! He's coming tomorrow!

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It's the end of the world!

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(BOYS SHOUT AND WHOOP)

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# I think I'll rest a little more

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# Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door

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# Something easy, I'll find hard

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# It's the man in me that keeps me running scared

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# Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round

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# And you can't escape from these ups and downs

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# Your dream's on hold for this crazy world

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# But I wouldn't change a thing. #

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So when's this...

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when's this Karl coming?

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He'll be here about 11, so be nice to him until I get in from work.

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Where's he going to sleep - in between us?

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Clear out the dining room and put a bed up in there.

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Uh, OK.

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You were never really serious about him, were you?

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Did you see his bum?

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No.

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Really? No bum?

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No bum.

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It's hard to see much else from that position.

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Elaine!

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I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

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You're not really jealous of him, are you, turkey boy?

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No. Good, because he's dead fit.

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Don't forget to clear all this out for tomorrow.

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Yeah.

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Ooh, and can you angle the bed so I can see his bum while he sleeps?

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Missed!

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# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #

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(HE HUMS TO HIMSELF)

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# Here she comes...

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# ...girls... #

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Hmmm!

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No!

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(HE HUMS)

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It's wrong, it's backwards!

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Ugh.

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Ahh...

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Eh...

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How about ye?!

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Didn't know you'd been to prison, Tom.

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Ah, Roddy!

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Roddy!

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A little help!

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(TOM PANTS)

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Oh, thanks.

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Thanks, man. OK, I'm fine.

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I'm fine, thanks. So is...

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is this Roddy's wee sleepover? Shall I nip home and get me jimjams?

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Eh, no, it's not for you, it's not for you. It's for our guest.

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Who is it, then? Oh, it's an ex-boyfriend of Elaine's,

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Karl something or other.

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Oh, the housework's piling up, I don't have time for this!

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Do you know what, with the homework

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and driving them to their friend's house and cooking them dinners,

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and the ironing, that piles up like nobody's business.

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The washing machine never seems to be off, the dishwasher is never empty,

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and do I get five minutes to look at meself in the mirror? No, I do not!

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You're a proper wee mammy, aren't you?

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I'm always there for my children, Roddy.

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Over to me, me. Lovely, lovely. Ooh, yeah!

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Excuse me? Excuse me?

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Do you know where the nearest newsagent is, please?

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Stranger danger.

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Stranger danger!

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Stranger danger!

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You're doing that wrong Tom.

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What you need to do is get inside, with the duvet,

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that's it, go on off you go.

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Do you know something?

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Listen, do you think all this stay at home dad stuff is changing me?

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Oh, aye, definitely.

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I just worry that Elaine doesn't think I'm a real man any more.

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Sure, how could she? Look at you!

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(RODDY LAUGHS)

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Elaine's looking for a real man.

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A real man who'll cherish her, look after her, take her in his arms.

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Look into those beautiful green eyes of hers and say,

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"I'm going down the pub, stick that dinner in the microwave.

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"I don't know what time I'll be back."

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A real man.

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She's never talked about this Karl fella, has she?

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Oh, I get it.

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You're jealous.

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Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. I'm not jealous.

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Now, why would I be jealous? I've got everything.

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Beautiful wife, lovely kids, roof over my head,

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and I get to stay at home and watch my children blossom

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in front of my very own eyes.

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Not many men can say that.

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Actually, not many men do that, son. It's a woman's job.

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Now, come on, let me help you with that.

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I'm a dab hand at this sort of thing.

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Look, I wouldn't worry about it.

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I bet you he's a wee, fat, bald bloke or something like that.

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And sure, if he is, I'll see him off,

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don't you worry, Tom. I'll see him off for you.

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And if it turns out he is a big hunk, a hunk of burning love,

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you're screwed!

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Now, look at that. There you go, Tom.

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There you go, huh?

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(PHONE RINGS) Oh, no no. Get me out, Roddy!

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Oh, sorry, it's the pub. Better go. Roddy!

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(DOORBELL RINGS) Doorbell!

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Hello?

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I'll get it. No, I'll get it.

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It's all right, I've got it.

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Wow, Dad, Superman!

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Hi.

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I'm Karl. I think you've been expecting me.

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So, we'd been tracking them for 14 days, me and Dave.

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Who's Dave? Dave Attenborough.

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And then we saw the dolphins.

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I love dolphins. Don't I love dolphins, Tom? I love dolphins.

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I took some great shots,

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and when I'd finished, they all made this funny squeaking noise.

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Arr-arr-ohh...

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Nearly Roddy, nearly.

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It was more like this...

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(KARL CLICKS)

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What does that mean?

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"Thanks, Karl. Thanks, Karl."

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"Thanks Karl." Did you hear that, Tom?

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Yeah, I did. I did hear it.

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Actually, Karl, what does, um...

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(YAWNS)

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...mean in whale language?

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It means, "This krill is delicious."

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So cool, Dad.

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Can we keep him? Please?

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Oooh!

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What does that mean? No.

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That's a great chin you got on you there, Karl, huh?

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Thanks, Roddy, but hey, listen,

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I mean, what do you guys do?

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I run a pub, and he's a stay at home mum.

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No...!

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No, I'm a professional portrait photographer.

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Hard to make money from that nowadays,

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now that everybody has their own cameras.

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But when they want a portrait, they still pay a professional.

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OK, last one now. And hold it...

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and...got it!

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All right. Well done, kids.

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Proud of yourselves.

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OK, parents, just pick up your...photographs.

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Well, thanks for taking the time to welcome me into your lovely home.

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No problem at all. I just...moved a few things around the diary.

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Moved Thursday to Saturday and Friday to Sunday.

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I'm really looking forward to seeing Elaine.

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You're a lucky man, Tom.

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She is quite a woman. Quite a woman.

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Oh, did you ever get married, Karl? Have you got kids?

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No.

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There was only really ever one woman for me.

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She made me feel like a real man.

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Elaine tells me that you do the housework.

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What?

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No, I tidy up a little bit, but I don't do house...housework?!

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Cooee! Here now, Tom.

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Here's that nice peg apron that you wanted.

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Mum!

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This is for people who do housework. I don't do housework...housework?!

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I knew a fella once did so much housework,

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he ended up growing a boob under his arm.

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What are you talking about?

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Jesus, Mary and Joseph, would you look at that man's chin?

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That is a chin, Mary. That is a CHIN.

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Come on, move it. Clear out, kids.

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Let your grandmother sit down.

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Its perfect, isn't it, Mary?

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Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

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I'm Tom's mother, Mary.

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Mary, what a beautiful name.

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I'm Karl, an old boyfriend of Elaine's.

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Oh...

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Look, Pat - it's huge! It's huge!

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Hi, Karl, I'm Pat, what's-his-name's father.

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Great chin.

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Oh, thanks, Pat. Thank you.

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He's an old boyfriend of Elaine's.

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I heard, woman - I'm not deaf.

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I didn't think he was an old boyfriend of yours.

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Your chin is nothing like our dad's one.

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Mum says dad has a chin like a turkey.

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It's the family curse, son. It comes from your gran's side.

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You know, if she didn't keep her chin moving all the time

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with the talking, God knows what she'd end up looking like.

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Lads, lads, lads.

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Great kids.

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Yeah, I had them with Elaine.

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And I was naked when I did it.

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Well, that's something we have in common.

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I beg your pardon?

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We both love kids.

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Oh, yeah, yeah, I love kids. Absolutely love them!

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Get out the back!

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(BEEPING) Oh, excuse me.

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Could I just use your toilet for a moment, please?

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Oh, it's by the stairs.

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Thanks.

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I think I can find my own way, Rodster.

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Fair enough.

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Rodster!

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Got me own nickname now.

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He's lovely, isn't he, Mary?

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He's marvellous, Roddy.

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Oh, you have some competition there, Tom.

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That is a chin to die for!

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It's no wonder Elaine fell for him.

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Yours is like...the loose skin on an old man's backside.

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And whose fault is it that I have a chin like an old man's backside?

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Old flappy mammy there.

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Hi, Tom.

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Married sex not all its cracked up to be, eh?

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Oh, Karl, I was, er, just fixing the handle.

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Ah, you might want to take a look at this one too.

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He was looking through the keyhole. Shut up.

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Hi, I'm Karl.

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Karl. Tim, I'm from next door.

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That's a lovely chin.

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Thanks. Not a bad chin-zone yourself there.

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Oh!

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(LAUGHS) Yeah!

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Yeah, well, I exercise mine. You?

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Ah, great, I'm in the middle of a chin orgy(!)

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I just hit the jackpot in the gene lottery.

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Anyway, nice to meet you, Tim. Best get back to the gang.

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Yeah, with the... Oh!

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...the gang.

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(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY)

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Shall we...?

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Oh, yeah. Yeah, the gang.

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God, he must have worked hard to get a chin like that.

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You wouldn't think it to look at me but I used to have a wretched chin.

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Chin up.

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Exercise your chin and, in no time at all, you'll have a chin like Karl's.

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Exercise?!

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Yeah, well, there's lots of different techniques.

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There's, er, Chinnercise, Chinnerobics, Tai Chin, of course.

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Ding, tu-ung, tung, tun!

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Quick, Tom, Karl's about to start another story.

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Hi, Tim.

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Ah great, Chinanory(!)

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Great, Chinanory.

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No, can...?

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Do you know what? I got four new spark plugs.

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You didn't. I did!

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Are they in the car? Yes, they are!

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Oh-ho-ho! We spoke about this!

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Yes, we did!

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So I was surfing Amazon while I was on the Amazon.

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(LAUGHTER)

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You all right there, Tom?

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Just, er, doing my, erm...

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T-rex impression.

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(ROARS FEEBLY)

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That's very good, Tom, but, erm...

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a T-rex is a little more like, erm...

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(ROARS IMPRESSIVELY)

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Oh, sorry, Tom.

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Elaine.

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Karl.

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I see you've met my husband, Tom?

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Karl.

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Mm-hm.

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Mary.

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Elaine. Karl.

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Roddy...?

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Elaine. Karl.

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And Pat.

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Oh, Tom, imagine what you could have achieved

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if you had a chin like that.

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You'd be a completely different person.

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Yeah.

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(GIGGLING)

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...like this! (LAUGHTER)

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(MIAOWS)

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(VACUUM WHIRS)

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Oh, I just don't like him, Elaine.

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Will you stop banging on about Karl? I thought you weren't jealous.

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I'm not jealous. But he eats like a horse.

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He's only been here a day and he's already eaten three bananas.

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And his coughs sound exactly the same as his sneezes.

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I can't tell which is which.

0:16:340:16:35

Well, there you go.

0:16:360:16:37

What?

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You've both got the same problem.

0:16:390:16:40

His coughs sound like sneezes and your trumps sound like coughs.

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That's not my fault. I was born that way.

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It's an odd shape, I know, but it's my odd shape.

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He's such a waster!

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He isn't! He's always up to something.

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And he's done a lot of work for the environment.

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Not any more than I have. You?

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What have you ever done for the environment?

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(STRAINS)

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There.

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What?

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Held it in.

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And what's he getting up to in that bathroom?

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No worse than what you get up to in there.

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I've seen him. I've seen him with a syringe.

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Taking God knows what in our house where our children sleep.

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Don't be ridiculous, he's probably diabetic.

0:17:230:17:25

Oh, that's very convenient, that, isn't it?

0:17:250:17:29

Stupid eejit with his stories about David Attenborough

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and his dolphin noises.

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(STRAINED DOLPHIN NOISE)

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So annoying! Tom!

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Oh, thinks he's better than me. Making sure everybody likes him.

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Taking over my wife, house and kids.

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(VACUUM WHIRS)

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Now, have I got your attention?

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He's not trying to take over your house, wife and kids.

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He's not a drug addict and he's staying here

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until he finds somewhere to rent, OK?

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Now, what's going to happen now is

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you're going to turn the light off, you're going to go to sleep

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and when I take this off your mouth you're not going to say another word.

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(GASPS FOR AIR)

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Good boy.

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Stupid chin.

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(VACUUM WHIRS)

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Night!

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(VACUUM STOPS)

0:18:220:18:25

(VACUUM WHIRS)

0:18:260:18:27

Oh!

0:18:310:18:32

(VACUUM WHIRS)

0:18:360:18:38

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... #

0:18:400:18:45

And this little fella is an ocelot.

0:18:470:18:49

Like the ones me and Dave woke to find one morning had eaten all our sandwiches.

0:18:490:18:54

He used some language I won't repeat in front of you children.

0:18:540:18:57

Was it bollix?

0:18:580:19:00

Dad says that a lot.

0:19:010:19:03

That's because he's Irish, Drew. That's not a swearword in Ireland.

0:19:030:19:06

So, will you be looking at a lot of houses today, Karl?

0:19:060:19:09

Yeah, don't worry, I'll be out of your hair pretty soon.

0:19:090:19:12

Oh, no, no. There's no rush.

0:19:120:19:14

Tom was only saying last night how great it was to have you around.

0:19:140:19:17

Morning!

0:19:180:19:20

Just recycling a few things to save the polar bears in the South Pole.

0:19:200:19:27

Polar bears live in the North Pole, Tom.

0:19:270:19:29

Oh, yeah, well, they do now.

0:19:290:19:31

But, yeah, before, they had to move from the South Pole

0:19:310:19:35

because of all the rubbish in the South Pole.

0:19:350:19:38

You're supposed to separate that stuff, Dad.

0:19:380:19:41

Well, at least it's further away from the South Pole.

0:19:410:19:43

North Pole.

0:19:430:19:44

North Pole. And by doing this, I've saved at least ten penguins.

0:19:440:19:49

Polar bears.

0:19:490:19:50

Polar bears in the South Pole.

0:19:500:19:51

North Pole. North Pole!

0:19:510:19:53

Ah, great lads, these, aren't they?

0:19:560:19:58

Great chaps.

0:20:000:20:02

Everything all right today, love?

0:20:020:20:04

Yep, absolutely fabulous, my darling. Morning.

0:20:040:20:08

Karl.

0:20:100:20:12

Nice chin.

0:20:120:20:14

Mmm, yes, it is.

0:20:140:20:16

I, er...was doing a bit of Chinnercise with Tim next door.

0:20:160:20:21

What are you doing? I'm going to kill you for this!

0:20:220:20:25

Take it off, before I recycle your face.

0:20:250:20:28

Don't know what you're talking about.

0:20:280:20:30

What about ye?

0:20:300:20:32

Rodster.

0:20:320:20:34

Hey, man.

0:20:340:20:36

Thanks for inviting me out last night.

0:20:360:20:37

Haven't had a night like that since me and Dave had a bit of a messy one in Bangkok.

0:20:370:20:42

Bangkok.

0:20:420:20:43

Did you, er...? Did you go out with Karl last night without asking me?

0:20:430:20:46

Don't worry, Tom, it'll be your turn tonight.

0:20:460:20:49

I think somebody's skinny-dipping in your drink there.

0:20:520:20:55

Hey, guys, what about some magic?

0:20:570:20:59

Yeah, magic!

0:20:590:21:01

Follow me.

0:21:010:21:02

I always loved it when you did magic, Karl.

0:21:020:21:05

Karl, wait for the Rodster. I love magic too.

0:21:050:21:08

OK. There's nothing in the cup.

0:21:130:21:15

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

0:21:150:21:18

I'll do the magic in the house, thanks, Karl.

0:21:180:21:20

OK, nothing in the cup. Nothing in the cup at all.

0:21:210:21:27

It's in your hand.

0:21:270:21:29

Well...yeah, you can...

0:21:300:21:33

Yes, you could but, er...

0:21:330:21:36

Let me see if I can remember my version.

0:21:360:21:38

OK. Here's a magic coin.

0:21:380:21:41

Now, throw it up into the air.

0:21:410:21:44

(COIN LANDS IN CUP)

0:21:440:21:46

(GASPS)

0:21:470:21:49

Well, yes, that is... This is good, but I-I-I've got a better one.

0:21:490:21:54

I have a better one. Great!

0:21:540:21:56

OK, look, I need an assistant.

0:21:560:21:58

(RODDY FLAILS)

0:21:580:22:00

Roddy. OK, Roddy, you can help.

0:22:000:22:03

OK, right, erm... Right, do some magic music

0:22:030:22:05

while the great Tomingo prepares himself.

0:22:050:22:09

So make up magic music.

0:22:090:22:10

The great Tomingo!

0:22:100:22:12

(HUMS CIRCUS MUSIC)

0:22:120:22:14

Yay, Dad's floating! It's a miracle!

0:22:220:22:25

Oh, Tom, that is hilarious.

0:22:260:22:29

Dad, I can see your feet.

0:22:300:22:32

Oh, no, don't... Ah!

0:22:320:22:34

This is embarrassing. Can we see Karl's magic now?

0:22:340:22:37

Why don't you do that thing, Karl?

0:22:370:22:39

What, the thing I used to do in college?

0:22:390:22:41

Yeah. Well, I'll need my glamorous assistant.

0:22:410:22:43

OK...now watch my feet.

0:22:490:22:53

Woah, that is so cool!

0:22:590:23:01

Oh, my God, he was actually levitating, Dad.

0:23:020:23:05

Thank you, well...

0:23:050:23:07

Ah, yeah, whatever. Cooee!

0:23:080:23:10

Hey, why don't you kids go and play upstairs.

0:23:240:23:27

Woah, I'll...I'll tell the kids what to do. It's cool.

0:23:270:23:31

They are my children. Kids, why don't...?

0:23:310:23:33

Yeah, yeah, why don't you go...upstairs or...out the back and play or...?

0:23:360:23:40

Oh, Elaine, if things had only been different.

0:23:400:23:45

We had the world in our hands, could have gone anywhere, done anything.

0:23:450:23:50

But instead you chose this.

0:23:500:23:53

(TOM SQUEALS)

0:23:530:23:55

I knew it! I knew you were here to try and get back Elaine.

0:23:580:24:02

Looking at houses, me hoop!

0:24:020:24:04

Hey, Tom, listen, I think we may have got off to a bad start.

0:24:040:24:08

Woah, woah, woah, lads, lads, lads. Come on now, come on now, back off, back off.

0:24:080:24:11

Sit down, Roddy.

0:24:110:24:13

Fair enough, fair enough.

0:24:130:24:15

(ALARM BEEPS)

0:24:150:24:16

If you'll just excuse me.

0:24:160:24:18

Where are you off to, Karl? Off to shoot up a bit of heroin?

0:24:180:24:21

Tom! Tom!

0:24:210:24:22

Roddy! What?

0:24:220:24:24

I don't know what the hell is going on.

0:24:240:24:26

Heroin, Tom? Is that what you think?

0:24:260:24:30

You come here telling us all that you're looking at houses

0:24:300:24:32

when you clearly aren't

0:24:320:24:34

and then you keep popping off to the toiler to chase the...dinosaur.

0:24:340:24:39

Dragon. Dragon, thank you, Elaine.

0:24:390:24:41

Listen, Tom, I was out with Karl last night

0:24:410:24:44

and I never seen him take any drugs.

0:24:440:24:46

Then what's this, Smacky?

0:24:460:24:48

Tom!

0:24:480:24:49

Yeah, that's it.

0:24:490:24:52

Pop off to the loo there and shoot up a bit of brown...butter.

0:24:520:24:56

Sugar, Tom. Sugar, thanks, Mum.

0:24:560:24:57

Er...I've been injecting.

0:24:590:25:02

Yes, he has.

0:25:020:25:03

I've been injecting Botox into my chin.

0:25:040:25:06

He's put what in his where now?

0:25:100:25:14

What are we all gasping at?

0:25:140:25:16

Botox, Pat. He's been putting Botox into his chin.

0:25:160:25:19

This chin, Elaine.

0:25:210:25:23

It looks amazing and its great to have around

0:25:230:25:26

but all it does is cause me trouble.

0:25:260:25:29

With a great chin comes great responsibility.

0:25:290:25:32

Underneath this is just the chin of an ordinary man.

0:25:320:25:37

Why, Karl? You look great, even without that chin.

0:25:430:25:48

I'm a fool, Elaine.

0:25:480:25:49

This chin just makes so many people happy, except for one person - me.

0:25:510:25:55

You know, I secretly thought that I'd come back here

0:25:570:26:00

and me and my chin would sweep you off your feet

0:26:000:26:03

and we could start again,

0:26:030:26:05

but now I realise you've got a great husband in Tom,

0:26:050:26:08

wonderful children, a beautiful mother-in-law...

0:26:080:26:11

...a fantastic buddy in Rodster...

0:26:160:26:18

...and Pat.

0:26:220:26:23

I don't belong here anymore.

0:26:250:26:28

It's time for me to say goodbye.

0:26:280:26:30

Goodbye.

0:26:300:26:32

(RODDY AND MARY) No, no, no!

0:26:330:26:37

And to think,

0:26:410:26:44

I could have been sitting on that chin for the rest of me life.

0:26:440:26:47

I'd better go and see he's all right.

0:26:470:26:49

I'm sorry for being a...

0:26:530:26:55

Arse, Tom. The word you're looking for is arse.

0:26:550:26:57

An arse.

0:26:570:26:59

But why don't you come back again some time? That'd be great.

0:26:590:27:02

I'd like that, thanks, Tom. Bye, kids.

0:27:020:27:04

Mary.

0:27:080:27:10

Rodster.

0:27:130:27:14

Bye, Pat.

0:27:180:27:19

Do we make a wish?

0:27:190:27:21

Eejit!

0:27:210:27:22

And Elaine.

0:27:260:27:27

(LAUGHS HEARTILY)

0:27:350:27:39

What did you say there, Tom?

0:27:430:27:45

I said, er, "Thanks, Karl. Thanks, Karl."

0:27:450:27:49

You know, I was never interested in his chin.

0:27:490:27:53

# I think I'll rest a little more

0:28:030:28:06

# Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door

0:28:060:28:10

# Something easy I'll find hard

0:28:100:28:13

# It's the man in me that keeps me running scared

0:28:130:28:17

# Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round

0:28:170:28:21

# And you can't escape from these ups and downs

0:28:210:28:26

# Your dream's on hold for this crazy world

0:28:260:28:29

# But I wouldn't change a thing. #

0:28:290:28:33

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