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I will defeat Lord Voldemort. No, I will defeat Lord Voldemort. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
No, I will. | 0:00:06 | 0:00:08 | |
I want to be Harry Potter. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:09 | |
Well, you can't - you have a girl's voice, | 0:00:09 | 0:00:11 | |
and that's why you're Hermione. | 0:00:11 | 0:00:13 | |
It is I, Gandalf. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:17 | |
You must not quarrel and fight any more, children. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:20 | |
You must come together as one and defeat Lord Voldemort. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:26 | |
Gandalf is from Lord Of The Rings, Dad. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:30 | |
Shove up. | 0:00:30 | 0:00:32 | |
BOTH: Hi, Mum. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:34 | |
Ooh, Tom, can I have a word with you for a sec, please? | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
And who are you supposed to be? | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
MasterChef's Gregg Wallace. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
My old friend's coming to stay. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
Who? Karl. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
I've never heard of 'im? | 0:00:47 | 0:00:48 | |
(ELAINE SIGHS) We used to go out. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
Whoo! Did you kiss him, Mum? | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
Have you? | 0:00:52 | 0:00:53 | |
Look, he's been abroad for a few years | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
and he's coming home and he needs a place. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
"Ooh, I love you, Elaine." | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
"Take me to Paris." Shut it. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
There's no way one of your exes is staying here. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:05 | |
You've not met him, you don't know what he's like. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
(HE GASPS) You've kissed him. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
You've probably seen his bum. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:11 | |
(KIDS LAUGH) | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
Don't get your chin in a flap, he's just going to be here | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
until he finds a place to rent. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:17 | |
(HE TUTS) When's he coming? Tomorrow. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:20 | |
Tomorrow?! | 0:01:20 | 0:01:21 | |
KIDS: Tomorrow! | 0:01:21 | 0:01:22 | |
Tomorrow! Everybody, panic! He's coming tomorrow! | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
It's the end of the world! | 0:01:25 | 0:01:26 | |
(BOYS SHOUT AND WHOOP) | 0:01:26 | 0:01:29 | |
# I think I'll rest a little more | 0:01:29 | 0:01:32 | |
# Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door | 0:01:32 | 0:01:36 | |
# Something easy, I'll find hard | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
# It's the man in me that keeps me running scared | 0:01:39 | 0:01:44 | |
# Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
# And you can't escape from these ups and downs | 0:01:47 | 0:01:52 | |
# Your dream's on hold for this crazy world | 0:01:52 | 0:01:55 | |
# But I wouldn't change a thing. # | 0:01:55 | 0:02:00 | |
So when's this... | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
when's this Karl coming? | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
He'll be here about 11, so be nice to him until I get in from work. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
Where's he going to sleep - in between us? | 0:02:06 | 0:02:10 | |
Clear out the dining room and put a bed up in there. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
Uh, OK. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:14 | |
You were never really serious about him, were you? | 0:02:14 | 0:02:18 | |
Did you see his bum? | 0:02:18 | 0:02:19 | |
No. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:20 | |
Really? No bum? | 0:02:22 | 0:02:23 | |
No bum. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
It's hard to see much else from that position. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
Elaine! | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
I'm kidding, I'm kidding. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
You're not really jealous of him, are you, turkey boy? | 0:02:31 | 0:02:35 | |
No. Good, because he's dead fit. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:39 | |
Don't forget to clear all this out for tomorrow. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
Yeah. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:44 | |
Ooh, and can you angle the bed so I can see his bum while he sleeps? | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
Missed! | 0:02:48 | 0:02:49 | |
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. # | 0:02:54 | 0:02:59 | |
(HE HUMS TO HIMSELF) | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
# Here she comes... | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
# ...girls... # | 0:03:15 | 0:03:16 | |
Hmmm! | 0:03:24 | 0:03:25 | |
No! | 0:03:26 | 0:03:27 | |
(HE HUMS) | 0:03:29 | 0:03:32 | |
It's wrong, it's backwards! | 0:03:32 | 0:03:33 | |
Ugh. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
Ahh... | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
Eh... | 0:03:56 | 0:03:57 | |
How about ye?! | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
Didn't know you'd been to prison, Tom. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
Ah, Roddy! | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
Roddy! | 0:04:09 | 0:04:10 | |
A little help! | 0:04:11 | 0:04:12 | |
(TOM PANTS) | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
Oh, thanks. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:18 | |
Thanks, man. OK, I'm fine. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
I'm fine, thanks. So is... | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
is this Roddy's wee sleepover? Shall I nip home and get me jimjams? | 0:04:22 | 0:04:26 | |
Eh, no, it's not for you, it's not for you. It's for our guest. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
Who is it, then? Oh, it's an ex-boyfriend of Elaine's, | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
Karl something or other. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:33 | |
Oh, the housework's piling up, I don't have time for this! | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
Do you know what, with the homework | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
and driving them to their friend's house and cooking them dinners, | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
and the ironing, that piles up like nobody's business. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
The washing machine never seems to be off, the dishwasher is never empty, | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
and do I get five minutes to look at meself in the mirror? No, I do not! | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
You're a proper wee mammy, aren't you? | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
I'm always there for my children, Roddy. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
Over to me, me. Lovely, lovely. Ooh, yeah! | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
Excuse me? Excuse me? | 0:04:58 | 0:04:59 | |
Do you know where the nearest newsagent is, please? | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
Stranger danger. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:03 | |
Stranger danger! | 0:05:03 | 0:05:07 | |
Stranger danger! | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
You're doing that wrong Tom. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
What you need to do is get inside, with the duvet, | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
that's it, go on off you go. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
Do you know something? | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
Listen, do you think all this stay at home dad stuff is changing me? | 0:05:18 | 0:05:22 | |
Oh, aye, definitely. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:25 | |
I just worry that Elaine doesn't think I'm a real man any more. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:29 | |
Sure, how could she? Look at you! | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
(RODDY LAUGHS) | 0:05:32 | 0:05:33 | |
Elaine's looking for a real man. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
A real man who'll cherish her, look after her, take her in his arms. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:40 | |
Look into those beautiful green eyes of hers and say, | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
"I'm going down the pub, stick that dinner in the microwave. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
"I don't know what time I'll be back." | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
A real man. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:49 | |
She's never talked about this Karl fella, has she? | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Oh, I get it. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
You're jealous. | 0:05:57 | 0:05:58 | |
Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. I'm not jealous. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:02 | |
Now, why would I be jealous? I've got everything. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
Beautiful wife, lovely kids, roof over my head, | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
and I get to stay at home and watch my children blossom | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
in front of my very own eyes. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
Not many men can say that. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
Actually, not many men do that, son. It's a woman's job. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
Now, come on, let me help you with that. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
I'm a dab hand at this sort of thing. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:20 | |
Look, I wouldn't worry about it. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
I bet you he's a wee, fat, bald bloke or something like that. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:25 | |
And sure, if he is, I'll see him off, | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
don't you worry, Tom. I'll see him off for you. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
And if it turns out he is a big hunk, a hunk of burning love, | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
you're screwed! | 0:06:34 | 0:06:35 | |
Now, look at that. There you go, Tom. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
There you go, huh? | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
(PHONE RINGS) Oh, no no. Get me out, Roddy! | 0:06:40 | 0:06:44 | |
Oh, sorry, it's the pub. Better go. Roddy! | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
(DOORBELL RINGS) Doorbell! | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
Hello? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
I'll get it. No, I'll get it. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
It's all right, I've got it. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
Wow, Dad, Superman! | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
Hi. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
I'm Karl. I think you've been expecting me. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:15 | |
So, we'd been tracking them for 14 days, me and Dave. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
Who's Dave? Dave Attenborough. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
And then we saw the dolphins. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
I love dolphins. Don't I love dolphins, Tom? I love dolphins. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:31 | |
I took some great shots, | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
and when I'd finished, they all made this funny squeaking noise. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:37 | |
Arr-arr-ohh... | 0:07:37 | 0:07:40 | |
Nearly Roddy, nearly. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
It was more like this... | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
(KARL CLICKS) | 0:07:45 | 0:07:49 | |
What does that mean? | 0:07:49 | 0:07:51 | |
"Thanks, Karl. Thanks, Karl." | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
"Thanks Karl." Did you hear that, Tom? | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
Yeah, I did. I did hear it. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
Actually, Karl, what does, um... | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
(YAWNS) | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
...mean in whale language? | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
It means, "This krill is delicious." | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
So cool, Dad. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
Can we keep him? Please? | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
Oooh! | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
What does that mean? No. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
That's a great chin you got on you there, Karl, huh? | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
Thanks, Roddy, but hey, listen, | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
I mean, what do you guys do? | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
I run a pub, and he's a stay at home mum. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:29 | |
No...! | 0:08:29 | 0:08:30 | |
No, I'm a professional portrait photographer. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:34 | |
Hard to make money from that nowadays, | 0:08:34 | 0:08:36 | |
now that everybody has their own cameras. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
But when they want a portrait, they still pay a professional. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
OK, last one now. And hold it... | 0:08:40 | 0:08:44 | |
and...got it! | 0:08:44 | 0:08:47 | |
All right. Well done, kids. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
Proud of yourselves. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
OK, parents, just pick up your...photographs. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:56 | |
Well, thanks for taking the time to welcome me into your lovely home. | 0:08:57 | 0:09:01 | |
No problem at all. I just...moved a few things around the diary. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:05 | |
Moved Thursday to Saturday and Friday to Sunday. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
I'm really looking forward to seeing Elaine. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
You're a lucky man, Tom. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
She is quite a woman. Quite a woman. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
Oh, did you ever get married, Karl? Have you got kids? | 0:09:16 | 0:09:17 | |
No. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
There was only really ever one woman for me. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:21 | |
She made me feel like a real man. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
Elaine tells me that you do the housework. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
What? | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
No, I tidy up a little bit, but I don't do house...housework?! | 0:09:28 | 0:09:33 | |
Cooee! Here now, Tom. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
Here's that nice peg apron that you wanted. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
Mum! | 0:09:38 | 0:09:39 | |
This is for people who do housework. I don't do housework...housework?! | 0:09:40 | 0:09:44 | |
I knew a fella once did so much housework, | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
he ended up growing a boob under his arm. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
What are you talking about? | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, would you look at that man's chin? | 0:09:54 | 0:09:58 | |
That is a chin, Mary. That is a CHIN. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:01 | |
Come on, move it. Clear out, kids. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:03 | |
Let your grandmother sit down. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:04 | |
Its perfect, isn't it, Mary? | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:10 | |
I'm Tom's mother, Mary. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
Mary, what a beautiful name. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
I'm Karl, an old boyfriend of Elaine's. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
Oh... | 0:10:19 | 0:10:20 | |
Look, Pat - it's huge! It's huge! | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
Hi, Karl, I'm Pat, what's-his-name's father. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:29 | |
Great chin. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:31 | |
Oh, thanks, Pat. Thank you. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:32 | |
He's an old boyfriend of Elaine's. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
I heard, woman - I'm not deaf. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:36 | |
I didn't think he was an old boyfriend of yours. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
Your chin is nothing like our dad's one. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
Mum says dad has a chin like a turkey. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
It's the family curse, son. It comes from your gran's side. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:49 | |
You know, if she didn't keep her chin moving all the time | 0:10:49 | 0:10:52 | |
with the talking, God knows what she'd end up looking like. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
Lads, lads, lads. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
Great kids. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
Yeah, I had them with Elaine. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
And I was naked when I did it. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
Well, that's something we have in common. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
I beg your pardon? | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
We both love kids. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:19 | |
Oh, yeah, yeah, I love kids. Absolutely love them! | 0:11:20 | 0:11:24 | |
Get out the back! | 0:11:24 | 0:11:25 | |
(BEEPING) Oh, excuse me. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
Could I just use your toilet for a moment, please? | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
Oh, it's by the stairs. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:34 | |
Thanks. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
I think I can find my own way, Rodster. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
Fair enough. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
Rodster! | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
Got me own nickname now. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
He's lovely, isn't he, Mary? | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
He's marvellous, Roddy. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
Oh, you have some competition there, Tom. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
That is a chin to die for! | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
It's no wonder Elaine fell for him. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:15 | |
Yours is like...the loose skin on an old man's backside. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:19 | |
And whose fault is it that I have a chin like an old man's backside? | 0:12:21 | 0:12:25 | |
Old flappy mammy there. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:26 | |
Hi, Tom. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
Married sex not all its cracked up to be, eh? | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
Oh, Karl, I was, er, just fixing the handle. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
Ah, you might want to take a look at this one too. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
He was looking through the keyhole. Shut up. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
Hi, I'm Karl. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
Karl. Tim, I'm from next door. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
That's a lovely chin. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
Thanks. Not a bad chin-zone yourself there. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
Oh! | 0:13:05 | 0:13:06 | |
(LAUGHS) Yeah! | 0:13:06 | 0:13:07 | |
Yeah, well, I exercise mine. You? | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
Ah, great, I'm in the middle of a chin orgy(!) | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
I just hit the jackpot in the gene lottery. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
Anyway, nice to meet you, Tim. Best get back to the gang. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:18 | |
Yeah, with the... Oh! | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
...the gang. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY) | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
Shall we...? | 0:13:26 | 0:13:27 | |
Oh, yeah. Yeah, the gang. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
God, he must have worked hard to get a chin like that. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
You wouldn't think it to look at me but I used to have a wretched chin. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:39 | |
Chin up. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:45 | |
Exercise your chin and, in no time at all, you'll have a chin like Karl's. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
Exercise?! | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
Yeah, well, there's lots of different techniques. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
There's, er, Chinnercise, Chinnerobics, Tai Chin, of course. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:56 | |
Ding, tu-ung, tung, tun! | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
Quick, Tom, Karl's about to start another story. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
Hi, Tim. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:06 | |
Ah great, Chinanory(!) | 0:14:06 | 0:14:07 | |
Great, Chinanory. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:08 | |
No, can...? | 0:14:08 | 0:14:09 | |
Do you know what? I got four new spark plugs. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:13 | |
You didn't. I did! | 0:14:13 | 0:14:14 | |
Are they in the car? Yes, they are! | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
Oh-ho-ho! We spoke about this! | 0:14:16 | 0:14:17 | |
Yes, we did! | 0:14:17 | 0:14:18 | |
So I was surfing Amazon while I was on the Amazon. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
(LAUGHTER) | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
You all right there, Tom? | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
Just, er, doing my, erm... | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
T-rex impression. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
(ROARS FEEBLY) | 0:14:41 | 0:14:45 | |
That's very good, Tom, but, erm... | 0:14:47 | 0:14:48 | |
a T-rex is a little more like, erm... | 0:14:48 | 0:14:52 | |
(ROARS IMPRESSIVELY) | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
Oh, sorry, Tom. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:00 | |
Elaine. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
Karl. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:07 | |
I see you've met my husband, Tom? | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
Karl. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:14 | |
Mm-hm. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
Mary. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
Elaine. Karl. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:22 | |
Roddy...? | 0:15:22 | 0:15:23 | |
Elaine. Karl. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
And Pat. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
Oh, Tom, imagine what you could have achieved | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
if you had a chin like that. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
You'd be a completely different person. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:38 | |
Yeah. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:39 | |
(GIGGLING) | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
...like this! (LAUGHTER) | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
(MIAOWS) | 0:15:50 | 0:15:52 | |
(VACUUM WHIRS) | 0:16:04 | 0:16:08 | |
Oh, I just don't like him, Elaine. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
Will you stop banging on about Karl? I thought you weren't jealous. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:21 | |
I'm not jealous. But he eats like a horse. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
He's only been here a day and he's already eaten three bananas. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:28 | |
And his coughs sound exactly the same as his sneezes. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:34 | |
I can't tell which is which. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:35 | |
Well, there you go. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:37 | |
What? | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
You've both got the same problem. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:40 | |
His coughs sound like sneezes and your trumps sound like coughs. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:44 | |
That's not my fault. I was born that way. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
It's an odd shape, I know, but it's my odd shape. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
He's such a waster! | 0:16:51 | 0:16:53 | |
He isn't! He's always up to something. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:55 | |
And he's done a lot of work for the environment. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
Not any more than I have. You? | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
What have you ever done for the environment? | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
(STRAINS) | 0:17:03 | 0:17:06 | |
There. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:07 | |
What? | 0:17:07 | 0:17:08 | |
Held it in. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:09 | |
And what's he getting up to in that bathroom? | 0:17:13 | 0:17:14 | |
No worse than what you get up to in there. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
I've seen him. I've seen him with a syringe. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
Taking God knows what in our house where our children sleep. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:23 | |
Don't be ridiculous, he's probably diabetic. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
Oh, that's very convenient, that, isn't it? | 0:17:25 | 0:17:29 | |
Stupid eejit with his stories about David Attenborough | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
and his dolphin noises. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:33 | |
(STRAINED DOLPHIN NOISE) | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
So annoying! Tom! | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
Oh, thinks he's better than me. Making sure everybody likes him. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:41 | |
Taking over my wife, house and kids. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
(VACUUM WHIRS) | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
Now, have I got your attention? | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
He's not trying to take over your house, wife and kids. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:52 | |
He's not a drug addict and he's staying here | 0:17:52 | 0:17:55 | |
until he finds somewhere to rent, OK? | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
Now, what's going to happen now is | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
you're going to turn the light off, you're going to go to sleep | 0:17:59 | 0:18:02 | |
and when I take this off your mouth you're not going to say another word. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
(GASPS FOR AIR) | 0:18:07 | 0:18:09 | |
Good boy. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
Stupid chin. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:18 | |
(VACUUM WHIRS) | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
Night! | 0:18:21 | 0:18:22 | |
(VACUUM STOPS) | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
(VACUUM WHIRS) | 0:18:26 | 0:18:27 | |
Oh! | 0:18:31 | 0:18:32 | |
(VACUUM WHIRS) | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... # | 0:18:40 | 0:18:45 | |
And this little fella is an ocelot. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
Like the ones me and Dave woke to find one morning had eaten all our sandwiches. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:54 | |
He used some language I won't repeat in front of you children. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:57 | |
Was it bollix? | 0:18:58 | 0:19:00 | |
Dad says that a lot. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
That's because he's Irish, Drew. That's not a swearword in Ireland. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:06 | |
So, will you be looking at a lot of houses today, Karl? | 0:19:06 | 0:19:09 | |
Yeah, don't worry, I'll be out of your hair pretty soon. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:12 | |
Oh, no, no. There's no rush. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
Tom was only saying last night how great it was to have you around. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
Morning! | 0:19:18 | 0:19:20 | |
Just recycling a few things to save the polar bears in the South Pole. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:27 | |
Polar bears live in the North Pole, Tom. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
Oh, yeah, well, they do now. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
But, yeah, before, they had to move from the South Pole | 0:19:31 | 0:19:35 | |
because of all the rubbish in the South Pole. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
You're supposed to separate that stuff, Dad. | 0:19:38 | 0:19:41 | |
Well, at least it's further away from the South Pole. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
North Pole. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:44 | |
North Pole. And by doing this, I've saved at least ten penguins. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:49 | |
Polar bears. | 0:19:49 | 0:19:50 | |
Polar bears in the South Pole. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:51 | |
North Pole. North Pole! | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
Ah, great lads, these, aren't they? | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
Great chaps. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
Everything all right today, love? | 0:20:02 | 0:20:04 | |
Yep, absolutely fabulous, my darling. Morning. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:08 | |
Karl. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
Nice chin. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
Mmm, yes, it is. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
I, er...was doing a bit of Chinnercise with Tim next door. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:21 | |
What are you doing? I'm going to kill you for this! | 0:20:22 | 0:20:25 | |
Take it off, before I recycle your face. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:28 | |
Don't know what you're talking about. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
What about ye? | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
Rodster. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
Hey, man. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
Thanks for inviting me out last night. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:37 | |
Haven't had a night like that since me and Dave had a bit of a messy one in Bangkok. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:42 | |
Bangkok. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:43 | |
Did you, er...? Did you go out with Karl last night without asking me? | 0:20:43 | 0:20:46 | |
Don't worry, Tom, it'll be your turn tonight. | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
I think somebody's skinny-dipping in your drink there. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
Hey, guys, what about some magic? | 0:20:57 | 0:20:59 | |
Yeah, magic! | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
Follow me. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:02 | |
I always loved it when you did magic, Karl. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
Karl, wait for the Rodster. I love magic too. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
OK. There's nothing in the cup. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa! | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
I'll do the magic in the house, thanks, Karl. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
OK, nothing in the cup. Nothing in the cup at all. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:27 | |
It's in your hand. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:29 | |
Well...yeah, you can... | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
Yes, you could but, er... | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
Let me see if I can remember my version. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
OK. Here's a magic coin. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
Now, throw it up into the air. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
(COIN LANDS IN CUP) | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
(GASPS) | 0:21:47 | 0:21:49 | |
Well, yes, that is... This is good, but I-I-I've got a better one. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:54 | |
I have a better one. Great! | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
OK, look, I need an assistant. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
(RODDY FLAILS) | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
Roddy. OK, Roddy, you can help. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
OK, right, erm... Right, do some magic music | 0:22:03 | 0:22:05 | |
while the great Tomingo prepares himself. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:09 | |
So make up magic music. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:10 | |
The great Tomingo! | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
(HUMS CIRCUS MUSIC) | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
Yay, Dad's floating! It's a miracle! | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
Oh, Tom, that is hilarious. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
Dad, I can see your feet. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
Oh, no, don't... Ah! | 0:22:32 | 0:22:34 | |
This is embarrassing. Can we see Karl's magic now? | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
Why don't you do that thing, Karl? | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
What, the thing I used to do in college? | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
Yeah. Well, I'll need my glamorous assistant. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
OK...now watch my feet. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:53 | |
Woah, that is so cool! | 0:22:59 | 0:23:01 | |
Oh, my God, he was actually levitating, Dad. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
Thank you, well... | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
Ah, yeah, whatever. Cooee! | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
Hey, why don't you kids go and play upstairs. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
Woah, I'll...I'll tell the kids what to do. It's cool. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:31 | |
They are my children. Kids, why don't...? | 0:23:31 | 0:23:33 | |
Yeah, yeah, why don't you go...upstairs or...out the back and play or...? | 0:23:36 | 0:23:40 | |
Oh, Elaine, if things had only been different. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:45 | |
We had the world in our hands, could have gone anywhere, done anything. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:50 | |
But instead you chose this. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
(TOM SQUEALS) | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
I knew it! I knew you were here to try and get back Elaine. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:02 | |
Looking at houses, me hoop! | 0:24:02 | 0:24:04 | |
Hey, Tom, listen, I think we may have got off to a bad start. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:08 | |
Woah, woah, woah, lads, lads, lads. Come on now, come on now, back off, back off. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:11 | |
Sit down, Roddy. | 0:24:11 | 0:24:13 | |
Fair enough, fair enough. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
(ALARM BEEPS) | 0:24:15 | 0:24:16 | |
If you'll just excuse me. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:18 | |
Where are you off to, Karl? Off to shoot up a bit of heroin? | 0:24:18 | 0:24:21 | |
Tom! Tom! | 0:24:21 | 0:24:22 | |
Roddy! What? | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
I don't know what the hell is going on. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:26 | |
Heroin, Tom? Is that what you think? | 0:24:26 | 0:24:30 | |
You come here telling us all that you're looking at houses | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
when you clearly aren't | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
and then you keep popping off to the toiler to chase the...dinosaur. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:39 | |
Dragon. Dragon, thank you, Elaine. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
Listen, Tom, I was out with Karl last night | 0:24:41 | 0:24:44 | |
and I never seen him take any drugs. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:46 | |
Then what's this, Smacky? | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
Tom! | 0:24:48 | 0:24:49 | |
Yeah, that's it. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
Pop off to the loo there and shoot up a bit of brown...butter. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:56 | |
Sugar, Tom. Sugar, thanks, Mum. | 0:24:56 | 0:24:57 | |
Er...I've been injecting. | 0:24:59 | 0:25:02 | |
Yes, he has. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:03 | |
I've been injecting Botox into my chin. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:06 | |
He's put what in his where now? | 0:25:10 | 0:25:14 | |
What are we all gasping at? | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
Botox, Pat. He's been putting Botox into his chin. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
This chin, Elaine. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:23 | |
It looks amazing and its great to have around | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
but all it does is cause me trouble. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
With a great chin comes great responsibility. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
Underneath this is just the chin of an ordinary man. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:37 | |
Why, Karl? You look great, even without that chin. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:48 | |
I'm a fool, Elaine. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:49 | |
This chin just makes so many people happy, except for one person - me. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:55 | |
You know, I secretly thought that I'd come back here | 0:25:57 | 0:26:00 | |
and me and my chin would sweep you off your feet | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
and we could start again, | 0:26:03 | 0:26:05 | |
but now I realise you've got a great husband in Tom, | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
wonderful children, a beautiful mother-in-law... | 0:26:08 | 0:26:11 | |
...a fantastic buddy in Rodster... | 0:26:16 | 0:26:18 | |
...and Pat. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:23 | |
I don't belong here anymore. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
It's time for me to say goodbye. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
Goodbye. | 0:26:30 | 0:26:32 | |
(RODDY AND MARY) No, no, no! | 0:26:33 | 0:26:37 | |
And to think, | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
I could have been sitting on that chin for the rest of me life. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:47 | |
I'd better go and see he's all right. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
I'm sorry for being a... | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
Arse, Tom. The word you're looking for is arse. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:57 | |
An arse. | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
But why don't you come back again some time? That'd be great. | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
I'd like that, thanks, Tom. Bye, kids. | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
Mary. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
Rodster. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:14 | |
Bye, Pat. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:19 | |
Do we make a wish? | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
Eejit! | 0:27:21 | 0:27:22 | |
And Elaine. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:27 | |
(LAUGHS HEARTILY) | 0:27:35 | 0:27:39 | |
What did you say there, Tom? | 0:27:43 | 0:27:45 | |
I said, er, "Thanks, Karl. Thanks, Karl." | 0:27:45 | 0:27:49 | |
You know, I was never interested in his chin. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:53 | |
# I think I'll rest a little more | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
# Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door | 0:28:06 | 0:28:10 | |
# Something easy I'll find hard | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 | |
# It's the man in me that keeps me running scared | 0:28:13 | 0:28:17 | |
# Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round | 0:28:17 | 0:28:21 | |
# And you can't escape from these ups and downs | 0:28:21 | 0:28:26 | |
# Your dream's on hold for this crazy world | 0:28:26 | 0:28:29 | |
# But I wouldn't change a thing. # | 0:28:29 | 0:28:33 |