I Do Believe Father Figure

Right. Night-night, Drew. How's that loose tooth of yours?

- Fine. - Well, as soon as it comes out,

we'll pop it under your pillow for the tooth fairy.

It'll still be there in the morning.

There's no such thing as fairies.

What did you just say?

- There are so such things are fairies!

- How do you know?

Because, when I open that door at night to check you,

they scatter all over the room, when they fly off your face.

My face?!

Oh, no, not your face. Beside your face.

In your hair. They sleep in your hair.

- Fairies in my hair?! - Oh, no, no! Well, not your hair!

They're...they're... They live under the bed!

- They just... - Under the bed! Ah!

- They're not there all the time! - All right! OK! All right, Drew!

Good night. Come on, Enid Blyton!

Oh...

- I hate fairies! - No, you don't.

I know I'm meant to respect you, Dad, but you don't make it easy.

Fairies!

Oh, my God. This is terrible. This is terrible!

They don't believe in fairies!

They're gonna need one of my little lessons.

Oh, not like the little lesson you gave them last Christmas.

(OWL HOOTS)

- (WIND HOWLS) - (HE GRUNTS)

Agh!

Whoa-ooh!

Merry Christmas!

(CRASH!)

Most children get to meet Santa in a grotto. Ours met him in A

# I think I'll rest a little more

# Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door

# Something easy, I'll find hard

# It's the man in me that keeps me running scared

# Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round

# And you can't escape from these ups and downs

# Your dream's on hold for this crazy world

# But I wouldn't change a thing. #

Dylan!

Oh...

(HE BLOWS)

Dylan!

Come on, you're gonna be late.

Dylan!

OK, OK. What?

You're gonna be late for school. Where's your brother?

He's in the downstairs loo.

Oh! Drew!

- DREW: What? - (TOILET FLUSHES)

You're gonna be late. Come on!

- Why did you need so long in the loo?

- I was having an iPoo.

An iPoo. I told you not to have iPoos. Elaine. The iPoos?

- Hmm? - Drew, come on!

What if I need an iPoo at school?

Well, you can have a You-poo instead!

Now pull up your trousers and get to school. Dylan, come on, school!

(DYLAN SIGHS)

God!

Elaine!

Did you see that?

- Elaine? - (FRONT DOOR SLAMS)

Well, bye, Tom.

Oh, I'm having a Kindle delivered today, so can you make sure you're in?

Oh, great, another gadget. Soon you'll replace me with a gadget.

I've already got a gadget to replace you, love.

See ya!

(DOOR SLAMS)

Oh... A little bash of this.

Ooh...

- What about ye?! (LAUGHS) - Jesus!

What are you doing up there, son?

- You're gonna need a wee shovel for that.

- Oh, Roddy! Oh!

What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in the pub?

Oh, no, sure, don't worry about it. Ralf's looking after it.

Ralf?!

Oh, aye, don't worry about that there, fella.

He's just back off holidays. He needs the money.

(BARKS AND SNARLS)

What are you doing? Are you packing? You're packing.

- We're running away! - No, we're not! No!

We're all running away. Running away.

Do you know something? Know something? I've got a mate in the Congo, right?

And we can just make him make us disappear!

What do we need? We need some food. Food!

- Pasta! Pasta. - Roddy, no!

- Cos you can't get pasta in the Congo.

What about some ham? We can always use some ham for the travelling.

Another thing as well, we could get a couple of Thai brides.

We could get like, we could get like, four wee ones or two big ones

- or something like that. - Roddy!

- What? What? - We're not running away.

- We're not running away. - No.

I'm just collecting up a few gadgets,

cos I'm sick of the things going on in this house

and I'm gonna hide these gadgets from the family for a little while.

- What, all the gadgets? - Yep.

All of them! They're ruining the kids' imaginations.

Dylan and Drew were playing hide-and-seek the other day

and Dylan used the sat nav to find Drew.

Oh, and Drew is hooked on iPoos.

Elaine would rather make love to her phone than me.

It's probably because of the vibrate button, son.

Roddy!

Take that.

- (HE SIGHS) - Do you know what we could do?

We could bring all your stuff down to my pub

and it'd be safe down there. I'd look after it for ya.

Oh.

- Yeah, I suppose that could be good. - Yeah.

But don't let anybody touch the stuff.

And don't sell it to anyone.

Why would I sell that?

- Say it. - Of course I'm not gonna sell it.

Happy days.

- (RALF BARKS) - One, two, one, two.

- Hello. Lovely, lovely. - (BARKING CONTINUES)

(SAUSAGES SIZZLE)

What's that, boy? Oh, lad!

Got the doggy porn for you!

Gentlemen! Roddy's Internet Cafe is now open.

Ha-ha!

- MARY: Honest to God! Unbelievable. - (DOOR SLAMS)

Totally unbelievable! Hello, son.

- Hiya, Mum. - Guess what this eejit just did.

I don't know, but you're gonna tell me anyway?

We got the bus over here today. This woman gets off the bus with her kids,

and your father decides to help and lifts the kid off for her.

- Well done, Dad. - I thought she needed my help.

Turns out the woman has only two kids,

but your father lifted a third child off.

- Who's that child? - Nobody's.

The third child wasn't a child.

It was a little man!

I was so embarrassed!

How was I to know? Anyway, I lifted him back on again.

That only made it worse!

No, it didn't! Sure, I'm meeting him later for a pint.

(DOOR CLOSES)

RODDY: What about ye?! (LAUGHS) Tom, a quick question now.

The password to your iPad. It's your date of birth, isn't it?

Yeah.

What is your dad doing? Look at him spinning around like a dog in a basket.

What's going on?

I don't know. Is Dad OK, Mum?

I'm not sure. He's very uneasy.

- You're very uneasy, Pat. - This isn't right.

- What's not right? - I don't know!

The TV's gone.

- The TV's gone. - The TV's gone.

- TV's gone. - Yeah...

Oh right, yeah, TV's gone.

- Why is the TV gone? - Yeah, you don't need a TV.

You and Dad don't need a TV.

It's not natural in this day and age not to have a TV.

Sure, what would I have to look at if I didn't have a TV?

Look at Mum.

It's like he's never met me before.

I think this is the longest I've ever looked at your mother.

Oh, look, they're gonna have a conversation

without going through the television first.

Good one, Tom.

- Ah, no, this isn't right. - No!

Nearly, Tom, nearly!

- Hi. - Hi.

- TOM: Oh, hi, kids. - (DYLAN WALKS UPSTAIRS)

Hi, Dylan, how was school?

- (NO REPLY) - Oh, great, thanks, good to know(!)

Hiya, Dylan! And there's Drew.

Hi, Gran.

O...M...G!

The TV's gone. Dad?

Where are my X-Box, laptop, Wii, Wii-U,

Nintendo DS, PlayStation, iPad and Nano?

Jeez, Tom, go the whole nine yards and get that wee lad a jet pack or something!

- Dylan! The TV's gone. - The TV's gone?

No, look, me and Roddy, right...

But mostly Tom.

Yeah, we've just popped the gadgets away for...

- Mainly Tom. - Yeah, mainly me,

popped them away for a little while. OK?

We're gonna try a week without any tech stuff,

and I guarantee your little lives will be better.

Get those imaginations going again.

Can I use that old car tyre out the back?

Drew and I could use a stick to push it along the road.

Yes, yes, yes.

Never! Epic fail!

Have my stuff back in my room in one hour!

Oh, and I'll be taking this too.

How will I stay in touch with my friends?

Try talking to them.

Talk to them? With my mouth?

My God, you are so yesterday!

Oh, what are you angry about?

How will I manage without my iPoos?

Not very well I imagine, Father!

Not...very...well!

(DOOR SLAMS)

In your day, I wouldn't let you slam doors.

We didn't have any, Mum, remember?

Dad replaced them all.

I couldn't stand all the banging.

- # You spin me right round, baby... # - I don't believe it!

You said I could go. It's not fair!

I'll climb out the window. That's how I'll get out.

Oh! I hate living in this house!

- I hate it! Agh! - (DOORS SLAM BACK)

Ah, I see you're still in training

for the sitting on your arse all day competition, Tom.

(ELAINE SIGHS)

- Why is there an empty space there? - The TV's gone, Elaine.

Where's my TV, Tom?

Oh, I just thought there was too many gadgets in this house, so...

you know, I got rid of them. For about a week.

You know, so it'll be no to technology

and yes to funology.

Yay!

Yay.

And, on that note, we'd better head off, Mary.

You need to watch yourself in here now, Elaine.

With no TV, no-one knows where to sit.

- Ah, stay a bit longer, Dad. - Ah, you've got rid of the TV, son.

There's nothing here for us now.

Come on, Mary.

Goodbye son.

I'll try and visit you soon.

(FRENCH ACCENT) Bon soir, my little petit pois. Bon soir.

If this has anything to do with you, Roddy,

I'll hang you up there by your knackers and we'll watch you for the night.

Oh, kinky. (LAUGHS)

(BOTH SIGH)

What are you doing, Drew?

I'm going for a yo-yo poo, cos Dad stopped my iPoos.

Oh, Mum, please sort this out.

Think of your children.

I bid you a good evening.

So, shall we have an early night?

What? Ooh, I'll go have a wash.

Oh, we can't.

Why?

Because, until that TV is safe and sound back in this house,

there will be no more early nights for you.

Oh, relax, the stuff's at Roddy's!

- (HE GRUNTS) - Our stuff is at Roddy's?!

(MUFFLED) Yes.

Is our stuff safe at Roddy's?

(MUFFLED) Yes.

- (MEN SHOUTING) - (GLASS SMASHES)

- Bye, love. - Sort this.

Just sort it.

Here you go. School bag.

Hug-a-roonies!

Things are getting really annoying around here, Tom.

Oh, no, trust me, Elaine. Drew will have soon forgotten all about his iPoos

and I bet you Dylan's in school right now,

thanking me for taking his phone off him.

CHILDREN CHANT: Phoneless! Phoneless! Phoneless! Phoneless!

Phoneless! Phoneless!

(JEERING)

Sort it out, Tom, and talk to the boys. They're not happy.

Oh, they will be after school. I've got a great thing set up in the garden

that's going to be better than any of those gadgets.

OK, boys...

As a man, or little chaps, what you need...

is a good stick.

- Isn't that right, Roddy? - Oh, yes. A good stick.

- Yeah. There you go, OK? - That's my favourite stick.

Yeah, I know, probably use that one for now.

Ah, here are the sticks, boys. There you go.

One for you. One for you. Eh? Huh?

This is boring. I need my phone back, Dad.

Oh, come on, Dylan. Just try, all right?

So it's you and Drew against me and Roddy, OK?

- What are we doing? - Er, war!

- The sticks are guns, remember? - What?

But you're holding that wrong.

That's the wrong way round and liable to go off in your hand. Have it that way.

I can't be holding it the wrong way round. It's a stick.

The sticks are guns, all right? OK, ready, watch this, look.

Machine gun, right? Watch. Listen to this, right?

Uh-hu-hu-hu! Hu-hu! Uh-hu-hu-hu! Hu-hu!

- Yeah, all right? - DYLAN: No, no.

Isn't it - drr-drr-drr-drr?

- Er... - DREW: Nah, nah, it's this.

Brr-rr-rr-rr!

That's not bad. It's not bad. Here, watch. I'll shoot Roddy. I'll show you, right.

We'll show with Roddy, OK? Here we go. Ready?

Uh-hu-hu-hu! Hu-hu! Uh-hu-hu-hu! Hu-hu! OK, ready?

Rocket launcher.

Boom! All over the place!

Yeah!

- Light sabres! - (RODDY LAUGHS)

- Baseball bat! - No, get...

Tom, Tom! What are you doing? That's not how you wage war.

Where's your organisation? Where's your strategy?

Balloons!

(# FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD: Two Tribes)

(LAUGHS)

Unleash hell, boys.

# When two tribes go to war a point is all that you can score

- # Score no more, score no more... # - TOM: Frisbee!

- Frisbee! - # ...a point is all that you can score!

- # Workin' for the bad guys! - # Cowboy number one

- # A born again poor man's son... # - We're out of balloons!

It's OK. I've got this.

Poo on a stick! Poo on a stick!

Biological warfare! Retreat.

Woo-hoo! Victory! Victory!

- DYLAN: We did it, Dad. - RODDY: Huh? Huh?

- DYLAN: We won. - Aw, let's do that again.

Uh-huh. There's just one more thing, boys.

- What? - There's one more thing.

- Poo on a stick! - (ALL YELL)

- Poo on a stick! - DREW: Agh! Agh!

- Poo on a stick! - (ALL YELL)

On a stick! Poo on a stick!

Agh!

I'll leave you to that, Tom.

Elaine!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

- You... - No.

...are so dead!

I'm just playing!

- Yoo-hoo! - (TOM SHOUTING)

TOM: No! Oh, God!

- (ELAINE GRUNTS) - TOM: Oh, God!

Maybe we should go back out and ring the door bell first.

- Well, I raised a good man. - What?

Shut up and go out, so we can come back in again.

Right, well, we better be off. I don't like to miss me Crimewatch.

I'm very good with the mug shots. I could sit there all night.

Robber. Robber. Drug dealer. Robber. Robber.

Flasher. Mugger. I know them all.

Maybe we should give the telly a miss tonight, love.

Are you all right? Did you bang your head?

It's hard to tell these days, what with the shape of it and all.

No, no, no, no. I was just saying that maybe Tom isn't wrong, you know?

Maybe we should put the telly away for a while.

Why would we do that?

Well, because all this no telly business has made me realise something.

I think I like your face.

Did you hear that?

45 years married, and that's the nicest thing he's ever said to me!

"I think I like your face."

Come on, love. So we can go home and have a good old gossip

and I can get a chance to look at you some more.

I'll open the HobNobs, so.

The chocolate ones?

Yes, the chocolate ones, seeing as you like me face so much.

- Night, all. Love yous. - Bye!

- Lovely dinner, Elaine. - Aw!

- PAT: I love your knees too. - MARY: Don't push it!

Oh, my God, did you see that?

- (FRONT DOOR CLOSES) - Oh, whoa!

Never seen Dad be that nice to Mum ever!

Woo-hoo.

Oh...

- Elaine? - Yeah?

I think I like your face.

And a HobNob's all you'll get off me too.

(HE SIGHS)

- My tooth is really loose now, Mum. - Is it? Let's have a look.

- Ow! - Oh, oh, Elaine!

What? It was hanging by a thread.

Give me my tooth. I'm going to bed.

Oh, all right, narky knickers!

Don't forget to put it under your pillow!

I told you. I don't believe in that stupid stuff! Now night!

- I'll go put ?1 under his pillow. - OK.

But that's all.

All right.

DREW: Agh! Agh!

They're real! They're real! They're real! The fairies are real!

- Tom! - What?

Look, Tom! The bloody fairies were here!

Ooh, so they were!

And they've walked all over his face. All over his face in black paint!

That's really, really hard to get off a child's face!

I'm going to see if I can pull any more of my teeth out!

Dad, where are the pliers?

What will I tell the teacher?

- Tell them the truth. - Got it. Bye.

Do I have to go to school today?

- I don't feel well, Mum. - You're clearly fine.

And, Dylan, if you're going to try and bunk off school,

at least make some effort.

I'm not going without my phone.

Your phone? When I was a kid, I didn't need a phone!

I was climbing trees, making dens, doing handstands,

pulling wheelies on bikes, running for hours and hours and hours,

and that's what's made me the man I am today.

Well, I definitely don't want to be the man you are today!

Come on, Tom.

We've tried the no gadget thing and it hasn't really worked.

Yeah.

So what do you say tonight we have a bit of telly,

give the kids their stuff back, and have an early night.

Oh, hello.

Oh, Darren. Come to spray me with your scent?

All right, Phoneless?

Can you step back a bit?

Why don't you ring ChildLine?

- Oh, you can't. You're Phoneless! - (BOYS LAUGH)

Very funny.

- Yes, I am. - For a gorilla.

Poo breath!

- Poo breath? - Poo breath.

Poo breath. Thank you, Darren.

Oh, no. Ah...

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Tom, Tom, Tom, you should have called before you came over.

- The stuff! The stuff! - (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Oh, is that my phone?

He's just renting it.

- Phone call for Tom Whyte. - Er...

Thank you. Hello?

Yep.

Right. OK, I'm on me way. I'm on me way.

- (HE SIGHS) - Everything OK?

Oh, it's Drew. He's in the Headmaster's office.

And, Roddy, OK, just get all this stuff back the way I gave it to you.

The way you gave it to me.

- The way I gave it to you. - The way you gave it to me.

I'm your man. (SIGHS) Got away with that one!

Tom!

Mum? What are you doing?

- The chain fell off me bike. - Oh.

I've never seen you on a bike before, Mum.

Oh, we've taken a leaf out of your book, son.

We've left the car at home. No telly. Only the wireless.

We've gone back in time. We're cyclists, son.

We're cyclists?

Myself and your father.

(HORN TOOTS)

(MARY LAUGHS)

- Oh, my God. - (HORN TOOTS)

How are you, son?

I couldn't trust him on a two-wheeler. He'd fall over and break his neck.

- Enjoying the cycle, Dad? - Ah, yeah, great.

I like staying behind your mother. She's a great bum.

I swear to God, Tom, having no telly has changed that man totally.

And I mean totally.

Oh! Oh, no!

Look, I'm in a rush. I've got to get to Drew's headmaster.

Not like that you're not. You've oil all over your face.

- Come here. - No, I'm OK.

- No, it's OK. - (SHE SPITS)

- Don't... Oh, no! - Come here to me now.

That's better...I suppose.

Look, I have to go, I'll see you later.

Right, we better be off so too, pet.

- Come on. - Yup. Off we go.

Drew! Are you OK? What happened?

I told the truth. You know, about the fairies on my face.

I got into trouble for shooting a kid with a stick.

You're not to blame.

(BELL RINGS)

Mr Whyte. Come in.

Er, Mr McGovern, I'm very sorry about this, but...

Drew's not entirely to blame for this.

Telling children that the fairies have left footprints on their faces

in the middle of the night is a bit far fetched, wouldn't you think?

I'd love to know where he...

gets it from.

So you think that my child believing that fairies walked all over his face

in the middle of the night a bit far fetched?

- Yes. - Oh.

Drew... Just wait outside for a sec, will you,

while I have a little chat with your headmaster?

- But, Dad, he's... - Drew, outside now.

I have something I want to show this man.

What's wrong with kids believing in fairies?

They're not little adults. They're little children.

Mr Whyte, please!

How long have you been head of this school?

22 years.

22? You've been in charge of these kids' imaginations for 22 years?

You've forgotten what it's like to be a child.

- Here...hold this. - What?

- I don't understand. - No, wrong way round. This way.

I'm gonna help you remember what it's like to be a kid again.

- Well... - Yeah, good, here we go. Good man.

I'll be on the red team. You be on the blue team.

- Fair enough. - All right? Yeah.

- HEADMASTER: Yee-agh! - (CRASHING AND BANGING)

HEADMASTER: Somebody help me!

- HEADMASTER: Die! Die! Die! - TOM: Please! No.

- (TOM IMITATES GUNFIRE) - TOM: Ho-ho!

Your imagination... is too powerful for me!

Come on, son.

We're not gonna have any more trouble from him any more.

There's everything back.

Where's the rest of the stuff, Roddy?

Well, um, a few drops of beer got on them, so I'm just drying them out.

(LOUD CLATTERING)

Telly time, I think.

Oh, I thought you were gonna wait... for a week.

- How was school, lads? - So Dad killed the head.

What?

Turns out Dad was right. It's always handy to have a good stick.

Hello, Phoneless.

Ah, Darren. I have a little something for you.

Poo on a stick.

- It's poo! It's poo! - Poo on a stick!

- Poo on a stick! Poo on a stick! - Agh!

Poo on a stick!

(TV IS ON)

(TV IS SWITCHED OFF)

Really? Really?!

We'll ration the TV.

Aw!

What made you change your mind?

I heard what you did for Dylan and Drew. Pretty clever, for a nut-job!

Yeah, it was nothing. Well...

Ooh, why don't we play Twister?

Who wants to play Twister? Yeah, come on, let's play some Twister!

DREW: Can I play when nan's off the mat? She farts when she bends over.

MARY: I do not!

ELAINE: Right, here we go. Left foot green, Mary.

(LOUD PARP!)

TOM: Mum!

# I think I'll rest a little more

# Cos the noise in my head keeps banging at the door

# Something easy, I'll find hard

# It's the man in me that keeps me running scared

# Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round

# And you can't escape from these ups and downs

# Your dream's on hold for this crazy world

# But I wouldn't change a thing. #