Episode 1 Fleabag

This programe contains very strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature from the start.

HEAVY BREATHING

You know that feeling when a guy you like sends you a text

at two o'clock on a Tuesday night asking if he can come and find you,

and you've accidentally made it out like you've just got in yourself,

so you have to get out of bed, drink wine, get in the shower,

shave everything, dig out some Agent Provocateur business -

suspender belt, the whole bit -

and wait by the door until the buzzer goes?

BUZZER

And then you open the door to him,

like you've almost forgotten he's coming over.

Oh.

-Hi.

-Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

And then you get to it immediately.

SHE PANTS

After some pretty standard bouncing, you realise...

..he's edging towards your arsehole.

But you're drunk

and he made the effort to come all the way here,

so you let him. He's thrilled.

I'm so thrilled.

And then the next morning, you wake to find him...

fully dressed, sat on the side of the bed, gazing at you.

-He says that...

-Last night was incredible.

Which you think is an overstatement, but then he goes on to say that...

It was particularly special because...

..I've never managed to actually...

..up the bum with anyone before.

To be fair, he does have a large penis.

And although it's always been a fantasy of mine, I've...

never found anyone I could do it with.

And then he touches your hair...

..and thanks you with a genuine, earnest...

Thank you.

It's sort of moving.

Then he kisses you gently.

And then he leaves.

DOOR CLOSES

And you spend the rest of the day wondering...

Do I have a massive arsehole?

BELL RINGS

Wow! Er...this doesn't happen very often, does it?

No.

I su...

I suppose it's...

It's quite rare, yeah.

I hate myself.

Er, are you going to work?

-Oh, no, actually...

-OK, er, this is going to sound crazy

but I think that I should take your number

and I think I should call it,

and I think I should ask you if you want to go out for a drink with me.

Er...

Fuck me! You've got a boyfriend?

Er, no, er...

No, we broke up quite recently, actually.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry/really pleased.

Er...

How the hell did he manage to fuck that up?

'Power rarely gives up without a fight...

'..particularly in places where there are divisions of tribe,

'divisions of sect.

'We also know that populism can take dangerous turns.

'And there will be difficult days along the way.

'From the extremism of those who would use democracy

'to deny minority rights to the nationalism that left...'

-What are you doing?

-Nothing!

Harry!

-I know what you were doing.

-I was watching the news.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

What was he talking about, then?

-What?

-Please, I just need to hear this.

What was he talking about?

Iraq.

Don't say anything.

And please don't stop me leaving.

-Please don't!

-OK.

Don't!

Look, I've really tried to be there for you through this.

You can't say I haven't tried.

Don't say anything. And please don't contact me

or turn up at my house drunk in your underwear. It won't work this time.

It will.

I'm taking that posh shampoo.

He was talking about democ...

Oh, he was just...

..really kind and supportive with my work.

He'd cook all the time, run baths, hoover.

He'd laugh at all of my jokes.

He was really great with my family, my friends loved him.

Plus, he was really fucking affectionate.

HE CHUCKLES

-Sounds like a dickhead.

-Yeah.

So, was that, like, "You CAN have my number," or...? What are we...?

Yes. Yeah, I guess that's a yes.

Oh, my gosh. Great. Er...

OK.

Put that in there.

And I'll be sure to treat you like a nasty little bitch.

-Er, that was a joke.

-Oh, no, I know.

-I know!

-OK. I was, like, "Oh!"

OK. Great, wow! Er...

I'll buzz you, then?

-OK.

-OK.

OK.

I can't stop smiling. Sorry, I...

It's OK.

I'll go.

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

Thank you for coming in today.

We really appreciate you considering us

for your small business start-up loan.

No problem.

I've read your application form.

-Thank you.

-It was...

-funny.

-Oh.

OK, that wasn't my intention, but...

As you are probably aware,

we haven't had the opportunity to support many -

any - women-led businesses since the...

Sexual harassment case.

The sexual harassment case.

Yes.

-Are you all right?

-Oh, yeah, sorry. I just, er...

I ran from the station, so I'm just a bit hot.

-I'm really excited about...

-Water?

No, thanks. I'm fine.

Actually, yeah, water would be great. If I could...

Sure. There are a couple of details that we need to iron out,

and one or two bits and pieces I'm going to need to see some more on.

It says in here

-that you opened a business with your partner...

-Mm-hm.

OK.

I'm sorry, that kind of thing won't get you very far here any more.

Oh, no, sorry. I thought I had a top on underneath.

-Yeah, OK.

-No, seriously. In this case, genuine accident.

I can see, given our history, why you might think...

No! Seriously, I wasn't trying to. I was hot.

I take this kind of thing very seriously.

I'm not trying to shag you! Look at yourself!

OK.

Please leave.

Oh...

No, you don't understand. I NEED this...

-I need this loan.

-Please, just leave.

-Perv.

-Slut.

Wow!

-PA:

-'The lecture will commence shortly.'

My sister. She's uptight and beautiful and probably anorexic,

but clothes look awesome on her, so...

You're almost late.

Had to do a flash poo in Pret.

Oh, Christ. Did you wash your hands?

Of course not.

Oh, my God! You are disgusting! Fucking hell.

Of course I washed my hands. It's not like I grew up without a mother.

-Heard from Dad?

-No.

Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters

was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures,

start fucking our godmother and eventually stop calling.

-You look tired.

-Thanks. I've been sleeping really well recently.

Shit!

I'm wearing the top that she lost years ago, so...

this is going to be tense.

-Do you want to take your coat off?

-No.

OK.

-Oh, sorry.

-Thanks.

So, any luck...

-Oh, God, can we just have two seconds...

-I was going to ask

-about the cafe.

-I don't want to talk about it yet.

-We won't talk, then.

-Fine.

-Hair looks nice.

-Oh, fuck off.

The only thing harder than having to tell your super-high-powered,

perfect, anorexic, rich super-sister

that you've run out of money

is having to ask her to bail you out.

I'm just going to ask her.

I'm just going to ask her.

I'm just going to ask her. I'm just going to come...

-Do you need to borrow money?

-No!

I can't do it. I can't do it, I can't do it.

I can't do it.

-So business is good, then?

-Yeah.

It's good. It's really good.

It's really, really good. Yeah, it's really good.

Sounds like it's really good.

It is.

-Hey.

-Hey.

-Can I get you anything?

-No, thanks, I'm good.

Are you sure I can't get you anything at all?

Is Harry helping?

We broke up.

What? Again?!

If you see him, I'm a wreck, OK?

God! Just don't get drunk and scream through his letterbox again.

Wow! Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Don't get drunk and shit in your sink again.

When are you going to stop bringing that up?

When you do something better.

I have two degrees, a husband and a Burberry coat.

You shat in a sink.

Oh.

-Hi.

-Thank you.

-No problem.

Nothing is ever going to be better.

I swear there are pants that give you thrush.

What are yours made from?

Don't know.

I need to get sexy pants.

I hate my body, I hate my body, I hate my body, I hate my body.

Fucking last-minute bastard trendy parties.

Why do we do it to ourselves?

Oh, my God. Definitely not. That does nothing for you.

I hate that.

What?

These are MY clothes, Boo. I've been wearing these all day.

Oh, God.

Were you wearing your coat?

Yes. But...

Nothing here looked nice,

so I thought I'd wear what I was wearing anyway.

Are you joking?

Are YOU joking?

Yes.

-Oh, my...

-It's not really that bad at all.

-Why didn't you tell me?

-I love you.

-I'll buy...

-I've got to get a whole new outfit now.

I'll buy you pants.

-I'll buy you sexy pants.

-I've been so many places today!

-I'll buy you sexy pants!

-Fuck off.

I'm sorry. I think it's a lovely dress.

Ugh! I mean, you really shouldn't wear such cheap materials.

They don't let your fanny breathe.

I know.

APPLAUSE

Gosh, look at you all.

Thank you so much for coming to Women Speak,

opening women's mouths since 1998.

Before we begin, I would like to ask you a question.

I don't know about you...

but I need some reassurance.

SHE CHUCKLES

So I pose the question to the women in this room today.

Please raise your hands...

..if you would trade...

five years of your life...

..for the so-called perfect body.

MURMURING

(We are bad feminists.)

-(I want my top back.

-OK.)

-Won't you get cold?

-Nah, I've got really hairy nipples.

What?

-Fuck!

-Oh, fuck!

-What was that?

-Jesus!

-A fucking hug!

Well, why the fuck did you do that?

That's terrifying. Never do that again.

I was just trying to...

-Are you OK?

-Yeah.

Do you want to go for a drink, or...?

-I've got plans.

-OK, fine. Sure.

See you next time, Women Speak, then.

Do you want to go for a drink?

PHONE BLEEPS

My sister blows glass. She has done for a long time.

I've never been in a fight.

Well, I've been in a fight. Never been punched in the face.

I've been punched in the leg.

And someone once threw some punch in my face.

So, my colours this season are sort of brown, mainly.

But, like, you know, I wouldn't say no to a maroon.

I wouldn't, like, jump down the throat of someone

wearing something blue. It's just not for me.

So...

I'm going to go for a wazz. You... OK.

Same again, while I'm up? Or perhaps, like, a little cocky-tail?

Or, like, a nice shot?

Oh, er...yeah, or we could just go back to mine.

Wow! Er, thanks.

Er, I've actually got work tomorrow, but, er, another drink here...

-Or we could go back to yours.

-Got to be up really early.

-I'll get you a cab in the morning.

-That's ridiculous! My God!

OK, what the fuck is your problem?

Oh, er...nothing.

I, er... I-I like you.

OK, you're a dick.

What's going on?

You're pathetic.

-Wait...

-Don't follow me.

I-I wasn't.

Y-You dropped this.

Er...

OK.

Come on.

WOMAN MUTTERS

Are you OK?

Are YOU OK?

Sad face.

I'm fine.

WOMAN GROANS

Oh...

You're such a lovely man.

-OK.

-Thank you.

Stay there, stay there. You OK?

OK.

Hey.

Do you... Do you want to come home with me?

What?!

No way!

You naughty boy.

DOOR SLAMS

BELL RINGS

Ugh!

Ooh! Sing a song, Boo-Boo.

# Another lunch break another portion

# Another piece of cake

-# Another two

-Fuck it - 20

-BOTH:

-# Cigarettes

# And we're happy

# So happy

# To be modern women. #

Hey, come here.

Let's never ask anyone for anything. They don't get it.

-Deal.

-Deal.

Fuck it.

SHE MUTTERS LOUDLY

This is totally fine.

Hello. Open!

All right, Dad?

What's going on?

Oh, I'm... I'm absolutely fine.

OK.

I just, er...

Yeah?

Oh, it's nothing. It doesn't...

-It's...

-You know, it's nearly two o'clock in the morning.

OK.

Yeah, OK. I'm... I don't want to...

I'm going to...

It was...

Oh, fuck it.

I have a horrible feeling that I'm a greedy, perverted, selfish,

apathetic, cynical, depraved,

morally bankrupt woman, who can't even call herself a feminist.

Well, er...

You get all that from your mother.

Good one.

Er, I'm going to call you a cab, darling.

And, er...

please don't go upstairs.

SLOW JAZZ PLAYS

To be fair, she's not an evil stepmother.

She's just a cunt.

Hi.

Darling, I thought that must be you.

-Everything all right?

-Yeah, I just thought I'd swing by.

Oh, how lovely. Lucky us.

Don't worry - Dad's already booking me a taxi.

What are you doing?

Oh, painting. I find the night-times very...

peaceful. Usually.

THEY CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY

Oh, warming up.

Look, I know it's not really my place, but are you OK?

-Everyone's been really worried.

-Poor fucker.

Yes, she's actually an expression of how women are subtle warriors.

Strong at heart.

We don't have to use muscular force to get what we want.

-We just use our...

-Tits.

..innate femininity.

Tits don't get you anywhere these days.

Trust me.

It's very valuable, actually.

-How much?

-Thousands.

Oh. Can I have it?

-THEY CHUCKLE

-No.

What's that?

Oh, er...

my self-portrait.

Oh.

-'Right, it's here.'

-Ooh, I think I can hear your dad.

'Cab's here!'

-Thanks!

-Aw. Nice of him.

OK.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Er...

Please look after yourself.

You really do look ghastly, darling.

-Oh, cafe, eh?

-Yeah.

On your own?

Er, kind of.

Kind of? Go on.

It's... It's quite a funny story, actually.

Oh, no, that's good. It'll keep me going.

Shoot.

-I opened the cafe with my friend Boo.

-Cute name.

-Yeah.

Yeah, she's dead now. She accidentally killed herself.

Wasn't her intention, but it wasn't a total accident.

She didn't actually think she'd die. She just...

found out that her boyfriend fucked someone else

and wanted to punish him by ending up in hospital,

not letting him visit her for a bit.

She decided to walk into a busy cycle lane,

wanting to get tangled in a bike - break a finger, maybe.

As it turns out, bikes go fast and flip you into the road.

Three people died. She was such a dick.

So, yeah. Kind of on my own.