Episode 2 Fleabag


Episode 2

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This programme contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature

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I opened the cafe with my friend Boo. Yeah, she's dead now.

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-My sister.

-I have two degrees, a husband and a Burberry coat.

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-I know what you were doing.

-I was watching the news.

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-Heard from Dad?

-Nope.

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All right, Dad?

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Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters

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was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures,

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start fucking our godmother and eventually stop calling.

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It's very valuable, actually.

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-How much?

-Thousands.

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Can I have it?

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No.

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Please don't contact me

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or turn up at my house drunk in your underwear.

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-It won't work this time.

-It will.

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MUSIC: Sail by AWOLNATION

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I think my period's coming.

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DOORBELL CHIMES

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O...K.

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Hi.

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Are you all right? What's happened? Are you hurt?

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-No.

-Oh, good.

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Nice haircut.

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It's better.

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Can I come in?

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Why didn't you text?

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Well, I just thought I'd pop by.

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-Tell the truth.

-I need to speak to Martin.

-Martin?

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-Martin. Martin!

-Why on earth would you want to speak to...

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-Martin?

-Hello! Hello! My wife in my study! hello!

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Give me two.

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Gang bangs, Asian, I'd put a tenner on it.

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Finished.

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Well, hello, you.

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HE CHUCKLES

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She wants to talk to you about something.

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Oh, well, it must be my lucky day.

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You said she only likes to talk to people she fancies.

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Ergh.

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-Can you leave us?

-Why?

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He's organising your surprise birthday party.

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A...

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You know I hate sur...

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OK.

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I have a week to organise that now.

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Best of luck.

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Nice top.

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Ergh.

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Thanks. Do you deal in sculptures as well as paintings and papier mache?

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Depends on the quality of the piece.

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Fuck me!

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Hm...

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-What a pair!

-I know, right?

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Where d'you get this?

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Oh, just a...

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Stole it from a...market.

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It's quite a piece.

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Who's the artist?

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Just a...

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..market artist.

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Huh.

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If I sell it, I take 10%. Deal?

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Deal.

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OK, well,

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I'll get her photographed now.

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Don't tell Claire, please.

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Or what?

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Or I'll...

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I'll...

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You've got nothing on me, princess.

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Or I'll tell her you were watching gang bangs.

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Please don't do that again.

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I wasn't, by the way.

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Ergh.

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Disappointing.

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Erm...

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Where did you get that?

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I brought it with me.

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No, you didn't. Give it back.

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Tight.

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Patch things up with Harry?

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Yeah, we're, erm...

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We're engaged, so...

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God! What?

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No, we're not engaged!

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No, he's back at the flat packing up all his stuff again.

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Oh.

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I'm sorry.

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He really...

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..used to make you laugh.

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He also used to say things like...

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You're not like other girls.

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You can...

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..keep up.

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I like Harry.

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I liked his songs.

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I admire how much Harry commits to our break-ups.

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I mean, this is a new detail,

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but he does usually go the extra mile.

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A few times he's even cleaned the whole flat.

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HE SOBS

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Like it's a crime scene.

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I've considered timing a break-up

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for when the flat needs a bit of a going over.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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I don't think this is working.

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What?

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But he always leaves...

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..him

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to come back for.

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Got to think about all the people I can have sex with now.

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I'm not obsessed with sex,

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I just can't stop thinking about it.

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The performance of it.

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The awkwardness of it.

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The drama of it.

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The moment you realise someone wants

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your body.

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Not so much the feeling of it.

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Probably got about 48 hours before Harry comes back.

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I should get on it.

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I took half an hour trying to look nice

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and I ended up looking amazing.

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Just one of those days.

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Gorgeous, freshfaced, new top, little bit sexy,

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on my way to open my cafe and...

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Oh, God.

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Yeah, you check me out, chub-chub,

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cos it's never going to happen.

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Oh, God, he can't believe how attractive I am.

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Kind of worried I'm going to make a sex offender out of the poor guy.

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Here we go. This better be good. Here we go.

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-HE COUGHS:

-Walk of shame.

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-BELL RINGS

-Oi!

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Oh.

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Dropped my cucumber.

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Just dropped my...

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Erm... Could I get a cheese sandwich to go, please?

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Sure.

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That'll be, er, £12.55, please.

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London, eh?

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Thanks.

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Where do I recognise her? Is she famous?

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Boo's death hit the papers.

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Local cafe girl gets hit by bike

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and a car

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and another bike.

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Er, no. She, er... She used to work here.

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Oh.

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I'm sorry, I don't have any change.

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The next man who walks in here is getting ridden to death.

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-Dad!

-Hi.

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Not ideal.

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Erm...

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How are you, eh,

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darling? Erm...

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You busy?

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A bit.

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Well, I won't keep you, er...

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I just wanted to talk about, er, you know, when you...

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When you dropped in the other night.

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-OK.

-I can't help thinking that I...

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-We, er...

-Yeah?

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I know that we, er...

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..don't have much of a chance to, er...

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Did you take the sculpture?

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Did you, erm...

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..take the sculpture?

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Did you take it?

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No.

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What sculpture?

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Oh, right, fine, good.

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Good, you said no and...

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..that means I can go.

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All right, great.

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Oh...

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Are you ha... Are you healthy?

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WOMAN CHATTERS

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Hey. Do you do, like, hot organic-y food?

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Of course.

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What would you like?

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-Erm...

-Like, risotto.

-Yeah.

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Sure. Grab a seat.

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WOMEN CHATTER

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Hey.

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Hi.

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Hey.

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Hey.

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It's nice to see you.

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You, too.

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Fucked me up the arse.

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What are you getting?

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Oh, just these. For my...

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..tiny, bleeding vagina.

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Hot.

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-You?

-Stock cubes.

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Hot.

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I hope it's a light flow.

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Oh, it never is.

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It never...

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..is.

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Listen, er,

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you around later?

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Er...

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Yes, fucking yes, please, yes.

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Yes.

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Cool.

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Cool.

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Yes!

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I'm so happy with my body now.

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I don't have to define myself by how I look

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because I've just got a fucking great body.

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-Yeah, I can do other stuff now!

-That's so great!

0:10:520:10:55

Mike wants to start trying for a baby.

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-OK.

-No...

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I can't blow this body on a baby, Steph.

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I'm going to have to leave him.

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THEY SCREAM

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Oh, shit. Oh.

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That is not hygienic.

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-Sorry.

-Oh, gross.

0:11:100:11:13

We're leaving now.

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I suppose you should meet Hillary.

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Two years ago, I...

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OK. The most important thing is, if you don't like it,

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-we can't take it back, OK?

-OK.

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Happy birthday.

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I'm sorry, I panicked.

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As long as I can wear it or eat it I'm happy.

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You can do both of those things.

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Oh, my God, did you get me a...

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-What is this?

-I...

0:11:340:11:36

-What the... What is...

-I don't know.

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-What is it?

-Something to love.

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She's beautiful!

0:11:400:11:43

You idiot!

0:11:450:11:47

Escape artist.

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I don't feel anything about guinea pigs,

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they're pointless,

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but Boo took Hillary very seriously as a gift

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and, soon, everything became guinea pig-related.

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This is an excellent one.

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Drink?

0:12:130:12:14

Look, I'm, er, sorry about the mess.

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No problem.

0:12:210:12:22

-Do you want some prosciutto with that?

-Mm.

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-Mm.

-Mm.

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Oh.

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So reliable.

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Utterly inaccessible.

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Relentlessly profound.

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All he wants is to get you in the bath and ask questions like...

0:12:380:12:41

What are you afraid of?

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And you find yourself saying things like...

0:12:430:12:46

I guess...

0:12:460:12:48

..losing the currency of youth.

0:12:480:12:50

Ask me a question.

0:12:540:12:55

When did you realise you were so good looking?

0:12:570:13:00

I knew I was different when I was about nine,

0:13:020:13:04

but shit got real around 11.

0:13:040:13:06

Shit got real?

0:13:060:13:08

You know...

0:13:080:13:09

Aunts got weird.

0:13:090:13:11

I have another question.

0:13:140:13:17

OK.

0:13:170:13:18

Do you ever feel lonely?

0:13:190:13:20

Yeah.

0:13:230:13:24

Of course.

0:13:240:13:26

Do you?

0:13:260:13:28

Never.

0:13:280:13:29

Do you want some pineapple?

0:13:340:13:35

Yeah.

0:13:380:13:39

God, yeah!

0:13:470:13:48

Oh, they're so small!

0:13:500:13:51

They are so small!

0:13:510:13:54

-What?

-They're so small!

0:13:540:13:57

-So...

-Small!

0:13:570:13:58

God, they are so fucking tiny!

0:13:580:14:01

Yeah, I guess they're...

0:14:010:14:03

Oh, God, they're hardly even there!

0:14:030:14:05

I mean, where the fuck even are they?

0:14:050:14:07

Bit much.

0:14:070:14:08

Excuse me!

0:14:080:14:10

Oh, yeah!

0:14:140:14:15

I'm having a Harry panic.

0:14:160:14:19

Madame Ovary's telling me to run back to safe place,

0:14:190:14:21

I can make baby in safe place,

0:14:210:14:22

but you've got to ride it out.

0:14:220:14:24

Mustn't call Ha...

0:14:250:14:28

Thanks for coming.

0:14:340:14:35

That's OK.

0:14:360:14:38

Are you OK?

0:14:380:14:39

Your message sounded urgent.

0:14:390:14:41

Were you busy?

0:14:440:14:45

-No, I was in the interval...

-Oh, cool.

0:14:450:14:47

-..of Cats.

-OK.

-The musical.

0:14:470:14:50

Was it good?

0:14:500:14:51

Really good, actually.

0:14:510:14:52

Really good.

0:14:520:14:53

-Sorry for interrupting.

-No, that's OK.

0:14:540:14:57

I, er... I got the feeling it wasn't going to end well for the cats,

0:14:570:15:00

so probably good to remember them like that before they all...

0:15:000:15:04

Sorry. Erm...

0:15:050:15:07

Are you OK?

0:15:070:15:08

Who were you with?

0:15:090:15:11

A work friend.

0:15:110:15:12

A girl.

0:15:130:15:15

I, erm...

0:15:200:15:21

I found this.

0:15:250:15:27

Thanks.

0:15:330:15:35

I didn't realise I'd left it.

0:15:350:15:37

Why's your hair wet?

0:15:430:15:44

Don't look at me like that.

0:15:470:15:48

Like what? Like what?

0:15:480:15:50

Look, I don't want to sound cold or cruel or... You know...

0:15:500:15:53

And I don't want to think I'm just off happy at the theatre

0:15:530:15:56

all the time, either, I'm not,

0:15:560:15:57

but...

0:15:570:15:59

I'm not going to... I just...

0:15:590:16:01

If this is about us getting back together, I was serious,

0:16:010:16:03

this time I'm not just going to come running back.

0:16:030:16:05

I really just need some time away from...

0:16:050:16:08

I'm so glad you called.

0:16:100:16:12

I'm so glad you picked up.

0:16:120:16:14

I've missed you.

0:16:150:16:16

I've missed you.

0:16:190:16:20

Oh, my gosh, you feel good.

0:16:220:16:24

I wish he'd just fuck me.

0:16:260:16:28

All he wants to do is make love.

0:16:280:16:30

Are you OK?

0:16:300:16:31

Yeah, I'm really good. I'm amazing.

0:16:310:16:33

He's wasting me.

0:16:340:16:36

I was once fucking this guy who would breathe on every thrust...

0:16:360:16:40

You're so young! You're so young!

0:16:400:16:43

I masturbate about that all the time.

0:16:430:16:46

I masturbate a lot these days.

0:16:460:16:48

Especially when I'm bored.

0:16:480:16:50

Or angry.

0:16:510:16:54

Or upset.

0:16:540:16:55

Can we just...?

0:16:550:16:56

Or happy.

0:16:560:16:57

Oh. Yeah.

0:16:570:16:59

Ah.

0:16:590:17:00

Yeah.

0:17:000:17:02

Amazing.

0:17:020:17:03

-Shall I?

-No, could you just...

0:17:040:17:07

Just stay there.

0:17:070:17:09

Ah.

0:17:090:17:10

No, don't. Just...

0:17:100:17:12

Ah.

0:17:120:17:13

Yeah. Sh, sh! Ah!

0:17:130:17:15

Yeah.

0:17:150:17:17

Yes. Just...

0:17:170:17:19

Ah, just...

0:17:190:17:21

Ah, God.

0:17:210:17:22

Ah!

0:17:240:17:26

Oh! Oh!

0:17:260:17:29

Oh!

0:17:290:17:31

Ah!

0:17:310:17:32

Look, I think we should stop masturbating.

0:17:450:17:47

And don't say anything yet, I just...

0:17:510:17:54

I just think it might help us focus on each other.

0:17:540:17:57

You know, be more present.

0:17:570:17:59

Really successful couples do it.

0:17:590:18:01

Erm...

0:18:030:18:04

I've hidden our vibrators.

0:18:040:18:06

Our?

0:18:060:18:07

I thought it might be fun.

0:18:070:18:08

To find them?

0:18:080:18:09

No, just to try and not...

0:18:090:18:11

..touch ourselves, to try and...

0:18:120:18:15

..save our touches...

0:18:150:18:17

..for each other. I mean, what do you think?

0:18:170:18:20

Well, I think you're being really sexy.

0:18:200:18:22

-Don't!

-Oh! I'm joking.

0:18:220:18:25

I never masturbate.

0:18:250:18:27

I don't know how.

0:18:270:18:28

Yeah, also, I thought we should try and surprise each other

0:18:320:18:35

once every day, just a, you know...

0:18:350:18:37

A sweet little something, just to keep it...

0:18:370:18:39

-You know?

-Are you getting this out of a book?

0:18:390:18:42

I've already planned your first surprise, so...

0:18:420:18:45

Don't eat too much before dinner.

0:18:450:18:48

See you later.

0:18:530:18:55

And I will see you later, too.

0:18:560:18:59

DOOR OPENS

0:19:050:19:06

Oh.

0:19:080:19:10

Hi.

0:19:100:19:11

Just thought I'd pop by for some lunch.

0:19:110:19:14

Bit weird.

0:19:140:19:15

Yes, well...

0:19:150:19:16

How are you?

0:19:200:19:22

Quiet day?

0:19:220:19:23

Yeah, I'm fine.

0:19:230:19:25

You OK? You look stressed.

0:19:250:19:26

Well, I'm successful, so...

0:19:260:19:28

Do you have rye bread?

0:19:300:19:31

No, but I have some normal bread you can puke up after.

0:19:310:19:35

Great.

0:19:350:19:37

What do you want on it?

0:19:370:19:38

Oh, just tomatoes is fine.

0:19:380:19:41

Just tomatoes?

0:19:410:19:42

Just a tomato sandwich?

0:19:420:19:44

Yes. Is there a problem?

0:19:440:19:46

No.

0:19:460:19:47

Listen, I don't want to know anything about this surprise party,

0:19:490:19:52

but, if you could just, erm,

0:19:520:19:54

have it at mine this Friday at 7:30, that'd be great.

0:19:540:19:57

I can organise it and act surprised

0:19:570:20:00

but, if you could just, erm...

0:20:000:20:02

Do you know what, why don't I just do it?

0:20:020:20:04

I can organise it, do the food, act surprised,

0:20:040:20:07

and just take it off your hands.

0:20:070:20:09

-I mean, I can see that you're busy, so...

-OK, if you want.

0:20:090:20:12

Well, I don't want to, but I think it would be easier for everyone

0:20:120:20:15

-if I could just...

-OK.

0:20:150:20:16

I mean, I've done it, it's done.

0:20:160:20:18

It's this Friday at 7:30 at mine.

0:20:180:20:20

Great.

0:20:210:20:23

How behind are you?

0:20:280:20:30

If it's money that you need...

0:20:300:20:31

I don't need money.

0:20:310:20:34

That'll be £25, please.

0:20:340:20:35

London...

0:20:380:20:40

Thanks.

0:20:410:20:42

GUINEA PIG SQUEAKS

0:20:420:20:43

Can't believe that thing's still alive.

0:20:450:20:48

Oh, any news on Harry?

0:20:480:20:50

Yeah, we're back together.

0:20:500:20:52

Oh, God, I can't keep up.

0:20:520:20:53

Hello!

0:21:010:21:02

Harry?

0:21:040:21:05

Oh.

0:21:090:21:11

Shit.

0:21:110:21:13

Surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise...

0:21:130:21:16

SHOWER RUNS

0:21:160:21:18

-Surprise!

-Argh!

0:22:060:22:08

Argh!

0:22:080:22:10

It's me! It's me! It's me!

0:22:100:22:12

Why would you do that? I thought I was going to get raped!

0:22:120:22:14

I'm sorry! Baby, I'm sorry! I thought you wanted a surprise!

0:22:140:22:17

It was a ninja surprise!

0:22:170:22:18

Oh, my God, my heart!

0:22:180:22:19

I'm shaking so much! Oh, my God!

0:22:190:22:21

-Oh, my God!

-Oh!

-Oh, my God!

0:22:230:22:26

OK. It's OK. Are you OK?

0:22:260:22:28

Oh, my God.

0:22:280:22:30

Did you have a good day?

0:22:300:22:32

I did, yeah. Fine, thanks. I'm so sorry.

0:22:320:22:34

I'm sorry. I didn't think you were going to react like that.

0:22:340:22:37

I'm...

0:22:370:22:39

I'm sorry, it was a joke.

0:22:390:22:41

It was a good joke.

0:22:410:22:42

Jesus.

0:22:450:22:46

I thought you'd be later.

0:22:460:22:48

-Argh!

-Oh, my God!

0:22:480:22:51

Oh, God, sorry! I just had to get that out!

0:22:510:22:53

I'm still in shock! I'm still shaking!

0:22:530:22:55

That was horrible.

0:22:590:23:00

It was a surprise.

0:23:000:23:01

I know.

0:23:010:23:03

Thank you.

0:23:030:23:04

It's fine.

0:23:040:23:05

Shall I go and get us some wine?

0:23:070:23:09

HE SOBS

0:23:090:23:10

OK.

0:23:100:23:11

I know what you look like!

0:23:170:23:19

I know what you took!

0:23:190:23:20

That is the last time!

0:23:200:23:22

Splashed out on a special bottle for a special...

0:23:240:23:27

Harry?

0:23:300:23:31

I had to go into the history on my computer

0:23:330:23:35

to find something I'd seen on the H&M website this morning and...

0:23:350:23:39

I don't want to point fingers but...

0:23:400:23:43

..anal, gang bang,

0:23:430:23:45

mature, big cock,

0:23:450:23:47

small tits, hentai,

0:23:470:23:49

Asian, teen,

0:23:490:23:51

MILF, big butts,

0:23:510:23:53

lesbian, gay,

0:23:530:23:54

facial, fetish,

0:23:540:23:56

bukaki, young and old,

0:23:560:23:58

swallow, rough, voyeur

0:23:580:24:01

and public.

0:24:010:24:02

Why are you being so sexy?

0:24:080:24:09

Don't make me hate you.

0:24:110:24:12

Loving you's painful enough.

0:24:130:24:15

OK, sorry...

0:24:190:24:20

..but I really think you should write that down.

0:24:220:24:24

I know it's not appropriate but I really think

0:24:240:24:26

you should write that down. It's really good...

0:24:260:24:28

-I'm not going to write down...

-No, I'm serious!

0:24:280:24:30

For your songs and stuff. It's perfect! It's poetic yet real.

0:24:300:24:33

Serious.

0:24:330:24:34

Don't...

0:24:440:24:46

..make me...

0:24:460:24:47

-Hate you.

-Yeah, I know, thank you.

0:24:470:24:51

Loving you is painful...

0:24:510:24:54

What am I doing?

0:24:560:24:57

Look, there's someone at work who loves me.

0:25:000:25:02

Well, she told me she loves me and I said we couldn't be together

0:25:020:25:05

because I had to know.

0:25:050:25:06

Do you want to be alone?

0:25:080:25:09

You will never see me again.

0:25:140:25:15

I'll always love you but I just can't take it any more.

0:25:170:25:21

I don't hate you, I'm scared for you.

0:25:210:25:24

He's going to write that down.

0:25:260:25:28

(Don't hate you...

0:25:360:25:38

(Scared...)

0:25:380:25:39

I'm going to go pack my things up from the bedroom again, but, erm...

0:25:460:25:51

I'm... I'm not going to clean.

0:25:510:25:53

It's still in pretty good shape, so...

0:25:530:25:54

If I don't see you after that,

0:25:570:25:59

goodbye.

0:25:590:26:00

DOOR SLAMS

0:26:080:26:09

DOOR OPENS

0:26:090:26:11

Forever.

0:26:110:26:12

DOOR SLAMS

0:26:130:26:14

He'll be back.

0:26:180:26:19

DOOR SLAMS

0:26:330:26:34

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