Episode 3 Fleabag

What a pair, where did you get this?

Can I have it?

No.

Did you take the sculpture?

No.

If I sell it I take 10%, deal?

How behind are you? If it's money that you need...

I don't need money.

That'll be £25, please.

I thought we should try and surprise each other once every day.

He's organising you a surprise birthday party.

You know I hate...

Surprise!

It's me, it's me.

THEY SCREAM

I suppose you should meet Hillary.

You will never see me again.

I've got to think about all the people I can have sex with now.

I should get on it.

Jogging.

This programme contains strong language and scenes of a sexual nature.

I did a fart the other day that was exactly like Mum's.

A door opening, or suspicious dark?

Door opening.

Means you're getting Mum's bum.

God, I'd be lucky. My bottom dropped ages ago.

My farts used to be like, "Pah!"

Now they're just sort of fighting their way out.

I haven't farted in about three years.

Happy birthday.

-She won't eat it.

-Thanks.

So, it's a 7pm arrival tonight for a 7.30 surprise, OK?

Yeah, I got your e-mail.

It's really a business birthday thing.

It won't be much fun, so just don't expect a "party" party.

I won't.

And maybe...

just wear trousers.

And don't drink too much.

There's this huge promotion in Finland,

so this party is quite a serious...

I mean, it's basically a business meeting.

Sounds like a blast.

Can I bring a date?

-Harry?

-No.

Who?

Oh, I don't know yet.

It's really inappropriate to jog around a graveyard.

Why?

Flaunting your life.

God, I can't wait to be old.

If it's any consolation, you look older than you are.

PHONE RINGS

Sorry, sorry.

-Hello, Claire speaking.

-Mum died three years ago.

She had a double mastectomy but never really recovered.

It was particularly hard, cos she had amazing boobs.

She used to tell me I was lucky

cos mine would never get in the way.

My sister's got whoppers,

but she got all of Mum's good bits.

What's Martin given you?

A cursory stroke would be nice.

What? No bang-bang?

He says he's still got that thing on his...

What?

On his...

Come on, you can do it.

-I don't have to say...

-Yes, you do.

-No, not here.

-Come on, little one. Come on, please.

-No.

-Penis.

-Thank you.

He says he still has that thing on his penis. Sorry.

Christ, look at that man.

Tragic.

Nah, he's a con.

You can't call someone who is grieving a con.

-That is shit grieving.

-Look at him, he's properly grieving.

-No-one grieves like that unless they are in a film or from Italy.

-Who are you to pass judgment on his grief?

Trust me, he's at a different grave every day, he can't get enough of it.

MAN SOBS

What?

You come here every day?

Don't do a jumpy-outy surprise thing,

and don't sing Happy Birthday, I couldn't bear it.

I'm, erm...

I'm actually looking forward to it.

Hi, Harry, it's me.

Listen, I know we're broken up, but it's Claire's birthday tonight

and I thought that...

I thought that maybe

you'd like to come to her...

..birthday party.

Anyway, give me a call, and I hope you're OK. Bye.

I can't go out with a dog.

CAMERA CLICKS

My boyfriend before Harry used to make me send him pictures of

my vagina wherever I was,

ten or 11 times a day.

One day when I was temping he asked me to...

Time to throw the net out.

I am in so much trouble.

Jesus Christ.

What am I going to get Claire?

I am meant to get her the perfect present.

-I am not drunk.

-Always drunk.

I am not drunk!

Which is odd, cos Claire's so straight.

Smack me in the face.

-Really hard.

-Really?

Yeah.

Oh, good.

Fuck.

I think you gave me a semi.

Can I eat a water or a sandwich, or something?

I mean, the man's got a problem.

Speak to me. Speak to me.

But no-one wants to admit there's a problem because then they don't get

to have crazy nights out with Fun Drunk Martin.

Chicken, are you chicken? No.

He's one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate

with everyone, but makes you feel bad if you take offence

because he was "just being fun".

Honestly, you could tell him you're going to pop to the loo

and he'll say...

Yes, you pop to the loo, pull down your knickers,

and then I will come in

and fuck you.

I mean, this place is ridiculous.

Does anyone ever come here?

I mean, it is creepy as fuck.

Why don't you get her a guinea pig?

It was a surprise hit here.

What, you think she'd like a pig? Can I take this one?

No, not that one.

Christ, woman, there's something wrong with that one,

it's got death in its eyes.

Yeah, the vet says she's depressed.

Oh.

Aren't we all, girl?

You know, guinea pigs can die of loneliness.

Can they?

-Hold her.

-No.

-She needs it.

-No.

Shh!

I have an idea.

He's sexually inappropriate and he eats raw sausages but no-one's

made her laugh like he does, so I guess I have to give him that.

Right, just put your... What are you doing? What are you doing?

-No.

-Stop it.

No, no, no, there.

There we go.

I'm an innocent man.

I bought her a necklace with her name on it,

-that she found and told me not to buy.

-OK.

I bought her a book

that she already has.

She says not to buy her any clothes

because she probably won't wear them.

She scares me!

This sandwich is so good.

Look, this is London.

Just fuck off and buy something weird and expensive.

No, no, it's got to be good, all right. Help me!

Pay me and I'll help you.

Fuck off.

How much?

£60.

-70.

-Done.

Yeah!

I don't know who she is.

Is she...?

No.

What about...?

No!

Just...get whoever you are.

Who are you?

I don't know.

I want to be that person.

I have been that person.

Ha.

But most of the time I'm that person, like everyone else.

They're good, right? Chic.

Chic means boring - don't tell the French.

What about these?

No. God.

Stop checking, all right, nobody loves you. Help me here.

Who is this person?

Fuck, no.

This is perfect.

Get her something she'd never get herself.

Surprise her.

She'll think I've gone nuts.

No, she'll think you see her as this person,

and everyone wants to be this person.

I don't know, I...

Aren't these for children?

No.

Let's keep going. I saw some more stuff she'll hate over there.

LAUGHTER

My neighbour

is really fit.

Which one?

-The fit one.

-The one with the sexy big belly?

No, no, he's the other neighbour. He's like, he's like, OK...

I'm going to hold his face in my head so you can see him.

OK.

I'm not getting anything.

Make your face his face.

Yeah, OK.

Is he mixed race?

I'm getting mixed race.

Yes!

DOOR CLOSES

-That's him.

-Go on.

No.

OK. OK!

Jesus.

I'm really sorry, we're really high.

We just really wanted to know what you look like.

She thinks you're lovely.

Oh, my God, look at my elegant feet.

Hey. Hey! Hey. Hey.

Hello!

Hey. HEY!

What's your problem? Who was that?

Oh, no-one, it was...

What?

No, no-one. I just need to go and get a drink, or something.

OK.

Excellent.

Can I go and get my shoes?

Yeah. OK.

Whoa. Easy, tiger.

Coming from you?

So, come on, who was that heartbreaker, hmm?

He used to go out with Boo.

Then he slept with someone else, and then she...

Yeah, yeah, I know, OK.

Fuck.

I've never really said how sorry I was.

You should get the trainers.

She'll say I don't know her.

You don't.

You're just as bad.

It's never clear what she wants.

I should just get her some perfume.

Jesus, just fuck her, please,

for the love of a good woman.

Just wrap your willy up in a bow

and just screw her, she's going insane.

What is it?

Are you having an affair?

Think you're a clever little puss, don't you?

A little marital poke isn't going to kill you.

Would it kill her to take me out to dinner?

You girls, Jesus.

Anyone said that to her, they'd be hung.

If they were hung, she probably wouldn't be complaining.

Little advice from a married man.

You should probably get yourself out there, sweetie.

You're just tipping your prime.

Another drink?

PHONE RINGS

Bingo.

Excuse me, I have a date.

Get the trainers. Shop closes in an hour.

Oh, God. I was not expecting to see you again.

-Shut up.

-I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm chuffed to my boots, but...

Oh, and thank you for the text, saucy.

Oh, and sorry I'm late.

Oh, no, it's fine, it was last-minute.

-It's really nice to see...

-No, no, I'm such a tool box.

You know, I'd like to say I was trying to save a puppy, or something,

but I just got my coat caught on someone else's coat outside the Tube.

When we went to separate ourselves, it was fucking intense - I had to give him my coat.

-What are we doing?

-It's my sister's surprise birthday party.

Oh, my God, I love surprises, go on.

But I just thought... I need to get her a present first.

Oh, my God, what are you going to get her?

I know this beautiful soap shop.

I mean, this stuff just gets you straight in the bath.

Oh, I was thinking more like...

Oh, yeah...these places all the time...

So... Yup.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah.

Sorry, I won't be long.

Oh, no, no.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Hey, what are you craving?

Oh, just a really, really cheap thrill.

For you?

Oh, hello.

No, it's for her sister.

It's for my very sexually frustrated sister.

Just a basic bunny would be great.

OK, well, I'll see what I can dig out and you go browse.

Thanks.

VIBRATOR BUZZES

Oh.

Oh, I think you just...

do it at the bottom.

It's all in the twist.

Ooh.

Oh.

I know.

You should totally get one of those.

-A vagina?

-Yeah.

Oh, I've already got one.

Really? You have... No...

You've got one?

I take it with me everywhere.

You lie. You don't have one on you now?

Yep. Never going to get it.

Where?

-Where's my vagina?

-Yeah.

-Where's my vagina?

-Yeah.

Ha, you got me.

I don't carry a vagina around with me,

that would be way too provocative.

Didn't get it.

OK, so this one's really great.

It's half price because it's quite relentless.

It's called the Burrower.

Basically it doesn't stop until you've cum.

Excuse me.

Oh, don't worry about him, he'll be fine in a minute.

Oh, my God, I love surprise parties.

I love them, I love them, I love them.

Will your parents be there?

-My dad might be...

-Oh, intense.

Parents adore me.

I want you to be totally in love with me by the end of the night.

OK?

CAR HORN TOOTS

Who's that?

Oh, it's my sister.

-Oh, no! We're going to ruin the surprise.

-No, no...

-No, no, no.

-No, really.

-Get down.

It will be fine.

ALL: Surprise!

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

I'm so surprised.

She's very good.

How divine. What a lovely husband you have.

Where is he then?

Ah. Busy.

I'm blown away.

I had absolutely no idea.

Hildegard, can I just grab you for a second?

-Hello.

-Hello.

Oh, Dad, hi.

Thank you for asking, yeah, I'm essentially a documentary maker.

Docs.

RAUCOUS LAUGH

Oh, really? What is your latest project?

Well, sir, I'm interested in life,

and how it affects lots of people in all sorts of different ways.

Yeah, it's awesome.

-How did you meet?

-I met her on a bus.

So easy to pick up girls these days.

I was, like, "Hi", and she was, like, "Take my number."

I was, like, "Yeah."

I'm just going to see if there are any other wines to try.

It's lovely, I'm just going to see if there are some others.

Excuse me. Can't resist.

Did you find anything nicer?

Oh, I was so sorry to hear about Harry.

Lovely Harry.

Love Harry.

Exciting news about his new job.

Yes, very exciting.

I was so pleased that you'd found someone else so fast.

I just can't stop conjuring an image of you sitting around that cafe,

just all alone, feeling so terribly lonely.

Just can't stop picturing it.

I don't think you have to be alone to be lonely.

Dad always taught me that.

Did your father tell you that one of my pieces has gone missing?

He did.

That's awful, I'm so sorry.

So sweet of you.

Very sweet.

May I cut in?

Yes, of course.

Do you know? You are the most perfect-looking pair.

Such a great gang.

Do you want some normal food?

No, no.

What I really want you to do...

..is this.

GLASS SMASHES

Sorry, nothing happened.

I was trying to be sexy.

It was, it was really sexy.

-Was it?

-What broke?

What broke? Show me.

Nothing, I just slipped.

Claire, this is my friend...

Yes, yes, we've already met.

My wife.

My wife.

My wife.

All of your desires are wrapped up in here.

OK.

Open it.

Well, gold has always...

Wow.

That's really rather wonderful.

Thank you. What is it?

Is it a paperweight, or...?

It is a shrine to your body...

..because I love your body.

-Thank you.

-Wow.

Wow. This is really...

Can I... Can I see this?

This is really quite something.

Wow, I think it's probably a bit inappropriate for your guests

to see your body at this...

I'm just going to... Shall I put it somewhere safe?

HE CLEARS THROAT

Smooth.

I told you I'd find you a buyer.

Your boy, he is hilarious, smart, funny...

Fuck off.

You'd fuck anything, wouldn't you?

Just don't tell her you got the statue from me, OK?

How much do you want for it?

Finger up the ass, nipple tickle...?

Come on, lighten up.

She's going to leave you one day.

You looking forward to that?

You're an asshole.

Hey.

Hey.

I think you took my coat.

Oh.

I'm sorry, that's my coat.

Sorry.

Why you leaving so early?

I have to give Hillary some Earl Grey.

She's not feeling well, so...

Oh, I got you this.

Oh, I wasn't expecting anything.

It's called a Burrower - it basically won't stop until you cum.

Sounds horrendous. Thank you.

Good birthday business?

Huge.

You know, I don't want to jinx anything, but huge.

Could be life-changing.

Great.

OK, happy birthday.

Thanks.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Tell the truth.

Are we leaving?

-Yes.

-Birthday girl...

Awesome party, thank you so much. We had such a great night.

Oh.

What's that? Oh.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

-Night.

Shall we?

Surprisingly bony.

I'm nearly finished. I'm nearly finished.

It's like having sex with a protractor.

I'm finishing. I'm finishing.

I'm done. I'm done.

-I'm done.

-OK.

Yeah. Are you done?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Amazing. That was amazing.

-Yeah, yeah.

-That was amazing.

-Yeah.

-That was amazing.

-Yeah.

For fuck's sake.

What?

OK, you don't go through life with teeth like these

and not know when someone's pretending.

-What the fuck is that?! I'll kick it.

-No, no.

I'll kick it.

What?

Did we catch that, or is that yours?

-That is a rat.

-It's a guinea pig.

That is a rat.

GUINEA PIG SQUEAKS