Episode 4 Fleabag

We haven't heard the opportunity to support any

-women-led businesses since the...

-Sexual harassment case.

Yes, the sexual harassment case.

It's a 7pm arrival tonight for a 7.30 surprise, OK?

-ALL:

-Surprise!

Sounds like a blast.

That kind of thing won't get you very far here any more.

-What are you craving?

-Just a basic bunny would be great.

-For you?

For my very sexually frustrated sister.

Did your father tell you that one of my pieces has gone missing?

Just don't tell her you got the statue from me, OK?

You're just tipping your prime.

This programme contains some strong language.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah.

You're an asshole.

Tell the truth.

-You cannot know this. No-one can hold a map in their head.

-I can!

It's three turnings away.

You're so going to get this wrong.

-Stop it.

-What?

-I can feel you judging my driving.

I'm not judging your driving!

Let go of the handle, then.

-Oh, we were supposed to go down that turning.

-What?

-Yeah.

-You said three turnings.

-No, I missed one.

Just use your phone, you have a Sat Nav on your phone.

Oh, my God, there, Mindful - Oh, God - Farm, there it is.

We're going the right way.

I was right.

Was right.

SHE SIGHS

Do you know what the lesbian app for Grindr is called?

Twat Nav.

Don't make this fun!

SHE SOBS

It's OK, I'm fucking OK, I'm excellent.

-I know I seem mental, but I'm fine.

-OK.

I just...

-I just sometimes need you not to...

-To take the piss.

Don't finish my sentences!

-Take the piss...

-Out of you and your...

You don't always know what I'm going to say, OK?

-Sorry.

-Out of...

Out of her when she's driving.

..me while I'm driving.

I'm sorry.

Is it at home or...work or Martin?

I'm fine, it's fine.

-Martin's been lovely.

-Really?

It's fine.

I'm OK.

Fucking psycho.

Wow! Dad really splashed out this time.

-He must be about to do something awful.

-No, it's just Mother's Day.

-Oh.

-Happy Mother's Day.

We're not supposed to bond on this, are we?

Because I really don't think that's going to end well.

We're not supposed to talk at all.

It's a silent retreat, God help us.

-How's everything at the cafe? You...

-You really don't have to.

-Thank you.

-Hi.

-Hi. Good morning.

-Hello, hello.

DOORBELL RINGS

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Come on.

They're probably going to think we're a couple.

-The fact that your mind even goes there is beyond disturbing.

-Hey!

We'd make a really cute couple.

'Sluts!'

Yes?

I'm going to die here. We're going to be raped and die.

Every cloud...

Oh, just open the fucking door. It's been fucking forever...

-Welcome.

-Thank you so much. It's really wonderful.

-Really beautiful grounds.

-Extraordinary energy, yeah.

I see you've been gifted this retreat. How lucky you both are.

I hope after this weekend, you will feel rested, inspired.

-Do you have Wi-Fi?

-No.

Erm, would you like two single beds or a double?

-Two singles.

-A double, please.

-Actually, do you have a separate room?

-I'm afraid not.

Everyone has to share here. It's part of the communal...

Singles, then. Do you get newspapers in the morning?

No, we try to keep the outside world on the outside

during your stay here.

You'll appreciate it in the end, I promise.

-So, here is your key.

-Thank you.

-You have a restful weekend.

-You too.

-Wow, no papers.

-You don't read the news.

-Yes, I do!

-What happened yesterday?

Sting wore white jeans and a puppy got stuck in a fan. Big day.

-What's that for?

-My neck and chest.

-What's that for?

-My legs and knees.

-What's that for?

-Ends of my hair.

-What's that?

-For my under-eyes.

-What's that?

-That is for my face and body.

-What would you do if someone stole all of those?

-I'd kill myself.

Why are there no plug sockets in here?

Don't touch my stuff.

-What are these for?

-Nothing.

-Mm-hm.

-What?

Well, it's just...

Why would you bring such tiny batteries?

I'm just prepared.

-Just I've only ever seen them used for remote controls.

-Yes.

-Or alarm clocks.

-Yes, all right.

-And vibrators.

-Yes! All right!

-You didn't have to ask for a separate room!

-What?

-If you want to have a wank, I can give you some space.

-Oh, my God!

No, if you want to take ten minutes,

I'll go into the bathroom and moisturise my wrists for a bit.

-You are so immature!

-Oh, give it a minute.

Oh, God. Seriously!

-What is wrong with your insides?

-Why did you bring the tiny batteries?

A-ha!

You're a genius.

Always know where the reserves are.

Let go of your past.

-Bit on the nose.

-Now is the time to let it go.

Open up your senses, close your mouth and live now.

Welcome to the female-only Breath Of Silence retreat.

Women don't speak.

Erm, sorry. I think I'm meant to be at...

-'Fucking sluts!'

-..that one.

Shame.

Yes, the first major consideration is why are you here?

Can anyone here answer that question?

I want to shut the noise out and reconnect to my inner thoughts

on the road to feeling more at one with myself.

Excellent attitude.

Well, you're in the right place.

And this weekend is about being mindful.

It's about leaving your voice in your head...

..and trapping your thoughts in your skull.

Think of it as a thought prison in your mind.

Firstly, we're going to teach you how to breathe.

Then we will have a short meditation,

then we will find our sanctuary in the partaking of menial tasks,

all in perfect silence.

Principal rules are no talking.

If you need to communicate with any of our other superiors,

you can write on that board.

Under no other circumstances must you communicate,

even with each other.

-What about an emergency?

-Thank you all for coming here today.

No matter what happens, a word must not be heard.

BUZZING

Shh!

'Slut!'

'Slut!'

'Bitch!'

'Bitch, bitch!'

MEN SHOUTING

Fucking bitch! You fucking piece of shit.

SHOUTING CONTINUES

Back here! Back here, back to me. Back to me.

All right, now, wherever it's come from - your upbringing,

your experiences with women, now is the time to turn that around.

To reprogram your mind,

your body and your mouth.

To be the better...man.

All right?

So, this...is Patricia.

Yeah? She's a friend.

Now, Patricia has just earned a promotion at work,

beating over six other candidates.

She's the youngest person to ever achieve this role.

What should we not say when we meet her?

-Clever little munchkin?

-Excellent.

-Who did you blow to get that job?

-OK.

-Slut, you fucking stupid slut.

-OK.

OK.

What should we say to her?

Hmm?

-Well done, Patricia.

-Very good.

"Well done, Patricia."

Please leave.

-Perv.

-Slut.

-Wow!

-OTHERS:

-Well done, Patricia.

Slut!

Guys, it's OK.

Keith, come.

Oh, my God. Excuse me, miss, you can't be here.

-OK.

-You really can't be here.

-WHISPERS:

-It's a feel-no-good. Please.

And now, hands up.

Mirror your palms.

Look each other in the eye and...

..touch.

Literally her worst nightmare.

Eugh!

Are you all right?

-Talk to me.

-It's nothing.

God.

I can't feel my feet.

-Do you remember we used to go top-to-toe?

-Now kids are so weird.

-We used to do that all the time.

-Yeah, when we were ten and cute.

-Now we're 30 and angry.

-I'm not suggesting that we...

Just don't, OK?

WHIRRING

Stop stealing my things!

I'm just checking it's working.

Oh, it's working, it's definitely working.

KNOCKING

-'Shh!'

-WHIRRING

Have fun.

It's actually a really thoughtful present. Thank you.

And Martin getting me that sculpture.

He must have bent over backwards to get something like that.

I feel very lucky.

I have to tell you something.

What?

I stole that sculpture from a certain somebody's studio

and then I tried to sell it through Martin,

but Martin took it and gave it to you.

Just don't put it pride of place when Dad, well, when they come over.

-OK? Because...

-Right.

Claire! Claire!

Shh. Go to sleep.

Shit.

GONG SMASHES

-The sooner we get on...

-Ah.

-WHISPERS:

-The sooner we get on with it, the sooner we are out of here.

-That's a really nice outfit.

-Thanks.

Delve into your past.

Think of something you can't let go of.

A moment of noise.

A moment of tension.

-Not for now.

-Now...

..a moment when you were peaceful.

If you could change anything in the whole world, what would it be?

My thighs.

In the whole world?

Don't tell anyone I said that. You?

-I've always been insecure about my face. You know that.

-I know.

-You shouldn't.

-Thank you, but...

No, seriously, there's nothing wrong with your nose.

-I mean, there's nothing wrong...

-Say that again?

-There's nothing...

-What?

-I don't know. Ah!

-Oh, my God.

-I always say the wrong thing!

Ah! Agh!

Hot.

What is this? I don't even do this in my own home.

Well, it's very simple.

We've paid them to let us clean their house in silence.

SHE LAUGHS

SHE WEEPS

Jesus.

I don't want to come down on you like a schoolteacher,

but I'm afraid your flagrant lack of respect for the one rule

that we have here is now affecting the other students.

-Clients.

-Inmates?

-Cleaners?

-Participants!

Do you have a problem with the programme?

I suggest you try sitting here in silence for the next hour.

It will benefit you.

I swear by my soul, it will.

I went through your bag.

-What?

-I couldn't find anything, so you're just going to have

to tell me what's going on with you.

Talk! Or I will scream.

-SHE GASPS

-I got the Finland promotion.

What Finland promotion?

How can you ask that? I've told you about it!

-I know the Finland promotion, that's amazing.

-Thank you.

Does that mean you're a millionaire now? Handy.

Don't be ridiculous.

Yes, it would.

All that money makes you cry?

I'm turning it down.

What?

Why? Martin?

Martin says it would be unfair on Jake.

Jake's her stepson, he's really weird,

probably clinically, but no-one really talks about that.

He freaks out if she's gone for longer than a day

and he's got this thing about trying to get in the bath with her.

No, no. No, Jake. No!

He's 15.

-He's not your son.

-That's not the point.

-Go!

-I knew you'd say that.

-This is what you've always wanted.

-I know.

-No more power suits, fuckload of snow.

-I know.

-Perfect place for your cold, cold heart.

-I know, I can't!

-I have responsibilities.

-Oh, come on.

Don't let other people get in the way of what you really want.

Finland is what you really want.

My husband isn't "other people", OK?

My husband is my life.

Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday.

Did he?

Did he?

DOOR CLOSES

DOOR OPENS

SHE SIGHS

'Sluts!'

CLAPPING

'Sluts!'

CLAPPING

HE SCREAMS

HE SHOUTS

Slut!

THEY CLAP

-Slut!

-Lovely, lovely.

-THEY CLAP

-OK?

Up on your feet. We're going to say, "Sorry, Patricia."

-ALL:

-Sorry, Patricia.

Lovely, give yourselves a round of applause.

All right, guys. Well done.

We are going to head back to that house better men, yeah?

Well done, good work. Great stuff.

-Yeah, a new man.

-Well done.

Go on.

You can do it.

You're ready.

Yeah, I...thought I recognised you.

Fair enough.

Probably for the best.

So, is your business...

..surviving?

I'm sorry.

No, I don't want that.

So, you're doing the whole silent escape thing.

Indeed.

Going well?

I touched a colleague's breast.

More than once. At a party, I...

They asked me to go on a workshop to...

I'm just a very...

..disappointing man.

No, thanks, I'm trying to quit.

Those, on the other hand.

They keep asking me, "What do you want from this workshop?

"What do you want?"

I'm not telling them what I want.

I want to move back home.

I want to hug my wife.

Protect my children, protect my daughter.

I want to move on.

I want to apologise.

To everyone.

Want to go to the theatre.

I want to take clean cups out of the dishwasher

and put them in the cupboard at home...

..and the next morning, I want to watch my wife drink from them.

And I want to make her feel good.

I want to make her orgasm again.

And again.

Truly.

I just want to cry.

All the time.

Claire?

Have you seen my sister?

-ANSWERPHONE:

-'Hi, this is Boo.

'I can't come to the phone right now,

'but please leave me a messiagio,

-'and I'll get back to you.'

-BEEP

Someone should probably disconnect that.