Carlos from Spain Fried

This programme contains some strong language

Oh, God, it's drunk o'clock.

Battle stations, foot soldiers.

Amara, I suggest you say a prayer to the Elephant man.

And I'm not talking about the one with a Nik Nak for a head.

I'm talking about the one with lots of arms you pray to.

I'm not a Hindu.

What is a Hindu?

Now, remember people, no matter how drunk they are,

they are still customers.

So even if they throw up on you, piss on your feet,

or call you a mannish-looking lesbian -

just because I was having a bad hair day - remember to smile.

So, what's drunk o'clock?

Pub closing time. Have you seen The Walking Dead?

Well, it's like that, but with hungry drunk people.

It can't be that bad.

It has begun.

Excuse me, sir, could I use your toilet, please?

Customer use only, you stupid old whatsit, now piss off.

OK, it has not begun, but it will.

MUFFLED SHOUTS

Christ on a bicycle. Here we go.

Man your stations.

Hold strong, everyone!

Start the blinking fryers!

HUBBUB OF SHOUTING

Mary, thanks for coming down to Head Office. I know you've got

a busy day so we won't keep you.

You're here because we've received several anonymous complaints

from one of your employees about your managerial skills.

Who sent them?

They're anonymous. We don't know who sent them.

That's what anonymous means.

So that's what anonymous means.

Your staff don't like you, Mary.

What are you going to do about it?

Well, Clive, what if I was to tell you that it was

I that has been, uh, sending those complaints "anonymously".

That doesn't make any sense. Why would you do that?

Yeah, I see your point.

What have they said about me?

Well, they're quite inflammatory accusations, Mary.

Staff harassment, turning up drunk to work,

exposing yourself to male customers with "nice smiles".

That's ridiculous.

Well, it gets worse -

one complaint says you've been known to be lax about your frygiene.

No! Never!

Pull yourself together, woman.

Wow. Sorry for losing my temper just then. That was not professional.

Didn't mean to get so riled up.

Oh. OK.

Well, how about this,

Mr Bagshawe - I go undercover to expose these lies about me.

I have a cousin who works in the theatre,

and she recently staged a musical version of Interstellar in Cheltenham.

She even managed to make local businessman Sanjeev Nabil

look a little bit like Matthew McConaughey.

With her help I can return to the restaurant and find the rat!

So, sorry, you're going to dress up?

Trust me, Clive, you'll see.

I will return, with evidence, that this is all lies!

You know when people talk about the birds and the bees, yeah?

That's messed up, innit?

cos birds and bees get busy on each other, that bird's going to

get stung, and his nuts are going to swell up like a radish, yeah?

It doesn't mean birds and bees having sex.

It's like, bees deposit pollen into flowers,

which explains male fertilisation, and... HE MIMICS SNORING

I'm just trying to explain.

You sound like Stephen Hawklings, isn't it?

Hey, let's talk about Amara, and how you're so gay for her

you might as well just be jerking off two guys at the same time.

-You're letting her ride you like a big horse, bruv.

-No, I'm not.

Yeah! Shontal was telling me how she was screwing up all over the place last night.

You can't keep covering for her like that, bro.

She wants employee of the month, I'm just trying to help her. What about you?

What about me? I'm amazing! That's what's about me.

I'm prime rib!

I mean, you never talk about your private life.

You just invade mine and laugh at it.

Is your love life so amazing?

Bruv, I'm looking for Mrs Right, not Mrs Right Now.

Love is an open road, Joe.

One that you drive down that stretches out right before you,

and you gotta keep your eye open on that vast horizon, cos then,

and only then, do you realise there's someone sitting

right beside you in that passenger seat.

Wow. That was surprisingly...

Someone with tig old bitties and a slammin' v-hole, you feel me?

Eh, boys, team meeting downstairs. Oh, are you playing charades?

Oh gr... Go on, go on, do it again!

I'll see you downstairs.

You may all be wondering

why I'm dressed like this.

You might be sat there, uh,

asking yourselves "Why is she dressed like this?"

Erm, you might be thinking, "Is that the dress she bought to make

"herself feel better after Gareth ditched her?" Yeah!

"Did it work?" Yeah, 100%, still got it, still got it.

The reason I'm wearing it is because it's my niece's christening

so I'll be gone for the next 48 hours.

What does this mean, Commander? Who will be in charge?

Oh, yeah, you will be acting manager, Derek.

I...you... I...

You all heard. You all saw. I'm in charge now.

And my first act in my new role as acting manager

of Seriously Fried Chicken is to fire you, Mary Fawn.

You have run this place into the ground with your insane

management techniques.

Well, I am going to miss our "bant".

I mean, obviously it'd be impossible for you to fire me.

Oh, Derek, you crack me up.

No, but, er, a christening is a special occasion.

It's the beginning of a spiritual journey with God

so it's not to be taken lightly.

What did you get her?

Zumba lessons. She will need them with those genes, unfortunately.

The whole family...

Erm, now just before I leave, just a quick "beaks up".

Erm, we've actually got a new employee coming today,

and, er, he's called Carlos.

He's from the Tottenham branch, and, erm,

well, I think you're going to have a lot of fun with him.

Quite a bit o' fun.

Are you ever going to pay for food?

No. We're best mates, why would I do that?

Best mates? I don't even know your second name.

That's jokes, man! Like, I don't even know your second name, Joe...

-20 Mega Nuggets.

-Oh, thanks, brilliant.

Hey, do we...

What are you doing?

What am I doing? What are you doing? Is the question...

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

Why are you swapping those two boxes around?

Are you saying I can't cook?

No.

God, no, Amara, I'm saying sometimes, your nuggets come out burned...

and raw in the middle...

which is actually quite impressive but, you know, fundamentally,

dangerous...health-wise.

No, they don't.

Balls.

Don't worry, I've got your back.

I appreciate it, but I don't need you covering for me, Joe.

I don't mind. I'm just trying to help.

We fry stuff and sell it.

I'm pretty sure I can manage this job on my own without too much help.

BEEPING

I can do this on my own.

BEEPING CONTINUES

Why don't you just let Joe do everything for you, dear?

He's been carrying your stick-insect arse from the day you started.

That is completely untrue.

Well, tell me how we make fries.

Easy, I hand Joe the tray and then...

I'll figure it out.

-BAD SPANISH ACCENT:

-Ah, hola! Erm, I am Carlos, your new employee.

Wha...what?

Er, my name it is Carlos. Of Barcelona.

That's in the northeast of Spain where they speak Catalan.

You can check on Wikipedia if you like. Our national dish is...

er, is paella. It's rice dish.

You'll want to speak to Derek, he's our acting manager.

Muchas gracias. Mucho bueno!

Joe, is it weird that Mary is dressed up like a Spanish man?

Yeah, yeah, it's definitely weird.

Seriously Fried Chicken! Seriously Fried Chicken!

All right?

Yeah. You all right?

Nah, I'm dressed like a fucking crocodile.

I thought you was a gecko.

What the fuck's a gecko?

I dunno!

Hey, if you don't mind me saying -

you sound like you got a nice pair of titties, innit?

You sound like you got a nice big dick, innit?

Yeah, sure. Definitely.

Hey!

If we had sex, would we have like, half-chicken half-crocodile babies?

Yeah, all feathery with big teeth and shit.

Like my mum!

Right! Cos your mum's ugly, innit!

Yeah! ..Yeah.

I think that's why my dad left.

My name's Sam.

I'm Ed. You got dem tig ol' biddies!

You got that dig ol' bick.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yes, yes, come into the manager's office. Manager here.

Hola, greetings, erm, my name is Carlos. I am from Spain.

Mucho bueno!

Ah, yes, Mary said there'd be a Spanish fella coming along today.

Pleasure, pleasure to meet you, I'm Derek Wom, Acting Manager.

Now, where did Mary dig you up?

I am from Spain. Mucho bueno.

You said that, Carlos.

Well, you know Mary, she interviewed me for position

and I found her to be very interesting but, erm, tell me,

what do you think about this, erm, Mary?

You look familiar. You remind me of someone...

Javier Bardem! That's it. Oh, or that...Diego whatsisface.

From the Post Office. The one who walks round funny.

He has multiple sclerosis.

I don't care how many sclerosises he's got. He's a wally!

How do you know Diego from the Post Office anyway?

Well...uh...he is... from Spain like me. So...

we exchange nacho recipes and, er,

we talk together in Spanish about, er...

bullfight.

Sounds fair enough.

Shontal, my love, show Carlos here round the kitchen.

So...tell me about, er, working here. Tell me about this Mary...

is she nice to work with, or hard work to work with, or...

someone you send complaints to Head Office about anonymously?

What ya doing, woman?

Woman!

I have a pair of albondigas in these pantalon far hairier than

the hills of Spain.

I know it's you, Mary.

Ah. What gave me away?

Your face.

-I see.

-You can stop doing the accent.

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Someone's been sending complaints to Head Office about me

and I might get fired.

Now, I need to prove that they're not true, so I'm going undercover.

Tell me - was it you?

Hell, no. You're the best boss I've ever had.

Thank you!

I can come in late and leave when I want to and you never dare stop me.

Thank you?

If anyone is complaining about you,

it'll be the one person that doesn't want you here - Derek.

Derek?

But he's my right-hand man, the cheese in my sandwich,

the shoehorn in my shoe, when my foot's not in it, obviously...

Just one minute.

Hey! Amara, we have customers backed up?

-Relax, I've got this.

-You're on fire.

-Thanks, Joe.

-No, your station - it's on fire.

BEEPING

-Shit!

-Flames in my restaurant!

BEEPING STOPS

Who did this thing? This is mucho dangerous-o!

In some cruel parts of Spain, they would have had your head for this!

Well, I like your spunk, Carlos, but these are my employees

and I handle them.

It was my fault.

Joseph. I knew it all along.

It wasn't his fault.

Shontal. I knew it all along.

It was Amara.

Amara. I knew it all along.

Right, you're on toilet duty for the next month.

Number ones, twos and threes!

What are number threes?

Oh, you know what I mean! We all get them... Don't we?

I'm not cleaning toilets all day, the stuff that comes

out of our customers after eating here is unholy...

Oh. Fair enough. Then you're fired.

But, Derek...

Nope. Sorry. You're on your bhuna, mate.

Sorry, I tried.

It's not your fault.

I can't even keep a job I hate and don't want.

But if you're fired, what will your dad do?

I'll have to work for him. In his abattoir.

And it is so rank.

I can't believe I'm going to have to work somewhere

surrounded by dead animals.

Yeah. Wouldn't want to do that.

What the fuck is Ed doing?

I have no idea.

This place is weird.

-RECORDING PLAYS:

-'Check check. Chickety chicken check.'

God, I really do sound like Javier Bardem.

I want to touch you, Mary...

How's the stock check, Carlito?

Ruddy Nora.

I haven't seen anyone stock check like this

since a young fellow with buck teeth and an undescended testicle

waltzed in here and said, "Can I have a job, please?"

That young fellow was me.

Mucho gracias.

Erm, now, I was wondering, tell me about your boss -

"Mary" - you know, I have heard some terrible things.

Oh? What have you heard?

Oh, you know, just, er, through the grapefruit vine that

complaints are being sent about her to the "fat cats" upstairs.

You know, in Spain we have a saying -

"tell me everything you know about this".

I wouldn't know anything about that.

You winked.

No, I didn't.

Acknowledge out loud that you're winking at me.

In my culture it's rude not to acknowledge out loud

when you are winking at someone.

I mean, I ask you this as a fellow colleague, a friend...

Friends, is it? Well, let's do this proper, then.

The Frog And Mouse, tonight.

You, me, a couple of shandy tops, a bowl of scampi fries

and a big plate of dirt.

Now, come here, friend!

What are you doing?

In Spain, er, this is how we, er, we hug.

We embrace, and then we squat down together, mucho bueno.

All right, then.

Oh, it's quite nice, actually. Makes a change.

We do it again...

Oh, you've got some pectorals on you there, Carlita...

And again!

And down we go again.

Well, this is working wonders for me hammies!

Oh! Well, no wonder your economy's in the toilet,

you spend all bleedin' day hugging!

Si.

Mate. I met the girl of my dreams.

We think exactly the same way. Like, we both like chips.

And we've both seen Iron Man.

That describes quite a lot of people...

Just cos you ain't never been in love.

You're in love?

It's like A Beautiful Mind. We connect.

And it's like...you know, I don't want to see her face in case it

ruins everything by her being ugly.

Like, right now, she's just this...

big crocodile and I'm just this little chicken and it's beautiful.

Right. You know, we don't have to share everything.

You wouldn't understand. You're too young.

You're too innocent. Too stupid.

Hey. Just came to say goodbye.

Laters.

You can't leave. Derek doesn't have the power to fire you.

We'll talk to Mary so you don't have to work in the abattoir.

It doesn't matter. The work isn't even the worst thing.

It's just embarrassing.

Not being able to keep a job here, in the weird, fat,

mutant cousin of KFC.

I'll see you around, Joe.

How come you got so much stuff?

Oh, it's not mine. I just found it lying around the place.

Figured I might as well get something out of this job.

Thought I'd sell it.

I think those are my headphones...

Er, so now that it is just

the two of us here, er, totally off the record,

how would you rate your manager, Mary?

And please, speak freely.

Mary? I'd give her a zero.

That woman's no more a leader than you are an Englishman.

She's incompetent, stupid - no wonder Gareth left her.

-ACCENT FALTERS:

-Derek!

So, perhaps you have made complaints about this Mary? To management?

Many times, Carlos.

I shouldn't tell you this, but I've had a couple of shandys and I'm getting loose...

I've been conducting a vicious,

anonymous campaign against Mary since the day she joined.

What have you said?

I've accused her of dancing naked in the catsup, sticking straws

up her whatsit and putting them back in the dispensers.

Is this true?

Not a word.

Well, now.

It would seem the chicken has come home to his rooster, huh?

No, no.

I have what I want, but it hurts like a dagger in my back.

Mucho bueno. Farewell.

Aw. Let's have a hug - the Spanish way!

OK, OK, let's cut the bullshit.

I like you and you like me.

Our minds are connected like internet Wi-Fi - buffering.

Take off that hat and let's do this thing.

Cos no matter what you look like - I'm into you, babe.

I love your mind, now I want to kiss your face.

Bollocks!

Where's he going?

I don't know.

But I wish he'd come back.

Hi, Mary.

Oh, hola, Joe, mucho bueno.

It's fine, I know it's you.

Oh.

When did you realise?

Was it when I knew just a little too much about how to label

those chicken thighs, or when I expertly put the fire out?

What gave me away?

Your face.

You could make management you know one day, Joe.

You see things the others don't.

Everyone knows it's you. Except Derek.

Oh.

God, you probably think I've gone totally doolally.

I feel a bit doolally.

Wandering around with a moustache on my face

and a courgette stuffed down my trousers.

I mean, yeah, I didn't think it would come to this, Joe.

Spying on my own staff.

But, you know, when you're under pressure

that's when you see what you're really made of.

Yeah. Right, under pressure.

That'd do it.

-'Hey.'

-Hi, Amara...

-Hola.

-Es un noche preciosa, verdad?

Oh, my God, I'm sorry, I'm not Spanish!

Hey, I got here as quick as I could, what's happening?

Joe called saying there was an emergency and...

-Where is everyone?

-That's the emergency.

It's nearly drunk o'clock and they've all called in sick.

But I don't work here any more.

Oh, and I've got to go, too,

-I have a sensitive, personal problem I have to deal with.

-But...

-It's a bunion.

-OK...

-In my arsehole.

-Oh.

I thought it was a haemorrhoid.

-OK.

-It wasn't.

-Right.

-It was a bunion.

-Got that.

-In my arsehole.

-Still with you.

Don't burn anything.

You can't just leave me.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. Because you can't handle it!

It's fine. How bad can it be?

HUBBUB OF SHOUTING

Waiting for chicken, yeah, where's my chicken?

# Did those feet

# In ancient times... #

Wait, can everyone just...

Listen, shut up!

Form a queue, be polite, or piss off!

That goes for you too, bunhead!

Take it off.

Hello, sir, welcome to Seriously Fried Chicken, how may I help you?

Leaving these premises unattended at drunk o'clock is shameful.

I have worked here since it were a Wimpy

and I have never seen such unprofessionalism.

Only the quick thinking of Amara Patel...

That's not my surname.

..saved us. Drunk o'clock, all by herself. The woman deserves a medal.

We don't give them out, mind. The rest of you, you're fired.

Oh...ho-ho, who's laughing now?

HE CACKLES

Me.

This ends now, Derek.

Carlos, your glasses...

Carlos, your moustache...

Oh, OK, I just got it. Mary. It were you all along.

But...but why?

I have you on tape, Derek, admitting that those complaints were lies.

And this recording is going to Head Office.

And you will be dismissed. Which is fancy talk for fired.

But...

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Mary, that's, that's what we do, we have a laugh! It's banter!

Banter!

What do you mean?

Well, I knew it were you all along when you came in!

We all knew!

Oh, right... Oh, what, because of my face?

Is that what gave it away, my face?

When I knew it were you I had some fun.

I don't think you're a bad manager! I think you're brill!

OMG, I think you're fan-tastic!

What about the complaints?

More jokes! I'm a practical joker! I'm like...George Clooney.

I were always going to write to Head Office

and say it were a wind-up and we were just having a gas...

I'll explain all that.

Right...

Yeah. I...I knew it... I'm starting to get it now.

DEREK LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

It's hilarious!

-Of course I were joking...

-Yes, you were joking, it's so funny!

I know!

THEY BOTH LAUGH

I knew you'd never betray me like that, Derek.

Ah, you got me! Oh, dear...

Ah.

All right, I'll see you later then, sillypants!

You haven't seen the last of me.

Sorry, what was that?

Just having more giggles, silly... you silly bitch!

I don't know if this is exciting or incredibly depressing.

Mary called me into her office and gave me this.

Oh, well done! Your dad'll be pleased.

It sound's stupid, cos I know it's only serving fried chicken to

drunk people, but I'm kind of proud I got through it.

On my own.

Bit of a coincidence that you call me in for an emergency,

and then the entire staff disappears.

Yeah. Weird. Very weird.

Yeah.

Almost like someone called everyone and told them not to come in.

Really weird.

Really, really weird.

Thank you.

-What happened with the crocodile?

-You know when someone's, like, too into you?

I'm like a free bird, man. Can't tie this shit down.

Don't clip my wings. I like women! All kinds of women!

Big women, short women, big titties, slightly less bigger titties,

even bigger titties...

women, women, women. Ain't no dick for Ed, no, sir!

So does Amara want to have sex with you after you made her work

the night shift all by herself?

No.

Told you it was a shit idea.

-You know what your problem is?

-Not really.

You're not a sexual being.

She sees you like her little brother or some shit.

-I know.

-But that might not be a bad thing.

In the paper last week, this brother and sister from Alabama had a baby.

Baby came out all weird, but still. The sister was fine.

-That's not...

-And if I had a sister and she was hot,

I would totally watch her in the shower, know what I'm saying?

Ed, you DO have a sister.

Yeah, but she's not hot. And she locks the door now, anyway.

-BAD RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-Hello. I am Vladimir.

Is this Seriously Fried Chicken?

-Oh, God.

-I am new employee.

I come to be part of your team and win your trust and so forth...

Mary will never know what hit her.

Hey, Derek.

Shit.