Hold Up Fried

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

I love the last shift of the day.

It's a real chance to sit back and take stock.

Literally. Because of stock checking.

SHE CHUCKLES

Erm, sorry, sir, we're closed.

I want some fuckin' McNuggets, man.

Excuse me?

McNuggets? I want some?

Erm...well, actually, erm, sir,

the "Mc" Nugget is a registered trademark

of the McDonald's corporation, erm...

Unless of course you mean our famous "Mock" Nuggets

which are made from reconstituted soybits.

Get...me...my...McNuggets!

OK, OK - Mary, could you please get him some McNuggets?

Yup...coming up. I'll just...

I'll just go over to...HERE!

DOOR SLAMS I'm sorry, Joe.

Just so you know, I'm not proud of what I'm doing!

That'll be about three minutes.

Did you offer him a sauce?

Do you want a sauce?

Yup.

Mr Bagshawe will see you now.

Good morning, Mr Wom.

Greetings, your highness.

Clive is fine.

Yes, he is!

Ha...sorry.

Angela said you had an urgent matter.

I do.

Feast your eye holes on this.

This isn't the amateur pornography filmed at the Woking branch, is it?

Because I've reviewed that footage many, many times,

from every available angle.

This were taken last night from our CCTV camera.

A man entered the premises with a knife and our manager,

Mary Fawn, left one of our staff for dead.

Why are you here?

Well, surely this kind of lily-livered cowardice

is grounds for dismissal?

Well, she needs to go. You need a new manager.

One who isn't afraid to come in to head office

with their roommate's laptop and show you the truth.

This isn't really enough.

Oh, that's how it is. Not enough...

Excuse me?

I happened to see in the company newsletter

that you're a keen golfer.

Yes.

Let's say you were to happen to receive a shiny new bag

of golf sticks and balls,

and let's say I were to be made manager instead of Mary.

Doesn't that sound like a lovely thing?

I actually have a meeting.

I'll be back.

And I'll be seeing you later.

Please...don't.

(I was never here.)

Sorry, it's me mum's laptop.

I thought you said it was your roommate's?

Yes. She's my roommate.

Right...

I was never here.

Forgot me keys...

I was never here.

Seriously Fried Chicken.

Ain't no thing like a... Argh!

Hey, what you doing? You can't creep up on me like that.

You're lucky I didn't drop-kick you like...mm!

Right. Scary. What's up with you?

The place got done last night by some chief with a blade.

That's some serious shit.

Christ, was anyone hurt?

Don't worry about it, baby-girl.

Anyone wants to come in here and start some shit,

I'm going to be like, "Hi-yah!"

Uhhh...! Oh!

Very reassuring.

Morning. Ed told me there was someone with a knife in here last night?

Yeah, I was on shift.

God! You never imagine it could happen somewhere like this.

Really?

OK, er...everyone. Beaks-up!

Erm, just a quick team meeting, that's it,

just all, um...stop what you're doing.

Now, we need to talk about last night's..."incident".

And let's lead with the positive here, OK?

That guy must've really liked our nuggets.

So we're clearly doing something right!

MARY CHUCKLES

Look, this is, um...something called a Feelings Flow-Chart.

This attack has been hard on all of us, OK?

And we need to explore these feelings, not bottle them up.

We need to talk and communicate. Let it flow.

Well, I actually am quite freaked out.

All right, don't rabbit on about it, have a look at the flow chart.

Now, if it happens again, I want you to all be on your guard, OK?

Just a little tip - if you are dealing with confrontation,

it helps if you've got nothing left to live for.

At least, that's what I've found

since my soul mate Gareth kicked me out.

It's like I always say -

"Please don't leave me, Gareth! Please don't go!"

What you giving us advice for? You ran and hid in the damn freezer!

We nearly had to defrost your cowardly arse.

Well, I was actually...um...

..looking for weapons,

but there were none to be found.

Isn't that where we keep all our knives?

Yes, well, I'm glad that you made that point, actually, Amara.

Let's get those doors open, then, shall we?

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Yes, fasten your seatbelts everyone - here comes the morning rush.

And, er...what can we do for you this morning, sir?

TRICKLING

-MAN:

-Ahh...

Joe, can you get the mop and bucket? Straight away.

Oh! Derek, hi - yes, come in, thank you.

Sit down.

Derek, why do you think you are deputy manager?

Because Bobby McAllister was found masturbating into the onion rings.

Oh - well, I...I'd just assumed

it was cos you've worked here a very long time.

And because you've got a wise head on your shoulders.

I need your head now, Derek.

I've lost the respect of my staff. They think I'm a coward.

And it hurts, Derek, it hurts.

You know, this is the lowest I've felt

since Gareth insisted I see other people.

-You want to win back their respect?

-Oh, more than anything.

You know, all I've ever wanted from my team is respect.

And impeccable fryer hygiene.

Or frygiene, as I like to say.

No, I'm sorry. This is no time for levity.

Speak to me, Derek.

Give me your head.

Permission to speak freely, boss?

Please do.

It's going to take drastic measures. Morale is low.

Your cowardice left a bad taste in the mouth.

Like Bobby McAllister's onion rings.

But I have to try.

Guide me, Derek.

Pour me a glass of your mind juices.

Tell them you're going to resign. Fall on your sword.

Tell them that's how ashamed you are of your behaviour.

That you're a yellow-bellied good-for-nowt

and they don't deserve those kind of willy-nilly leadership techniques.

Admit you're a festering boil

on the knob-end of corporate oversight...

Yes, OK, yes, I get it - thank you, Derek.

Yes, then they'll realise how much they need you

and they'll be on their hands and knees begging you to stay.

But...what if they don't realise I'm bluffing

and they all just really want me to go?

-I mean, isn't that a bit dangerous?

-Yes, it is.

But, Mary, it's a risk I'm willing to let you take.

Thank you, Derek.

You've been a true friend and colleague.

A frolleague.

No? It's a new word.

So what's going on with you and Amara?

What do you mean what's going on? There's nothing going on.

-She doesn't want to go out with me.

-And you're letting that stop you?

I once nearly married a girl who put a restraining order on me.

One man's stalking is another man's persistence, y'feel me?

-You want some advice?

-Not really.

You're too ugly for her, bro.

Right, now, see, what you've done there

is you've confused the word "advice" with the word "abuse".

I'm just being honest. That's what best friends are for.

We're not friends. You just keep talking to me.

She's gorgeous. You're not. It's like Beauty and the Beast.

And - no offence, mate - but you're the beast.

I got that.

In Beauty and the Beast, yeah,

she's basically just getting it on with a lion, right?

Sure, he's got a nice little suit on,

but it's still tantamount to bestiality.

-You're not helping.

-Ugh...

I'll tell you what you do -

show her some romance.

Wait till she's not on shift and she orders a pizza.

You knock on the door and you go, "Big sausage pizza delivery".

You've got the pizza box down here by your balls,

you open the lid and guess what's poking out through the middle?

A topping she didn't order.

Your penis! Bang!

I don't think that'll work.

Why? It's funny, it's clever, it's a great icebreaker.

Well it's not going to work

because A, it's basically sexual assault

and B, we don't deliver pizza.

So negative, man. But you'll change your mind.

And, when you do, make sure you let the pizza cool first,

cos third-degree burns on your dick are no fun.

You know how mayonnaise is made from eggs?

-I do now.

-Well, whenever I eat chicken nuggets with mayonnaise,

I always feel bad for dipping the chicken

-in the remains of its unborn children.

-What?

That's why I can't eat hummus and falafel together either.

Cos those chickpeas could've been friends.

I like you, Joe.

Oh, thanks, Shontal.

You make me realise my dickhead son isn't such a fucking loser after all.

SHE LAUGHS

-Still, can't believe we got robbed last night.

-Yeah.

I mean, some guy put a knife to my throat,

just cos he wanted some nuggets.

-So, what did you actually do?

-Well, I just...

-Beat him up. He beat him up, didn't you?

-Ed...

All the adrenaline got pumped up into him

and he disarmed the perp, took him down.

-Really?

-Well, it wasn't quite like that.

Don't be so modest, man!

He might not look like much, but he's taken self-defence classes.

He took that guy down, Street Fighter style.

Hadouken! Didn't he, Shontal?

Sure.

Why not?

Well...

It's always the types you don't expect, isn't it?

Good on you, Joe.

Yeah, I...

My natural instincts just kicked in, I suppose.

That and my lightning-fast martial arts skills.

-And this next guy comes in...

-Ed...

-Right, he pulls a gun out and goes,

"Screw the nuggets, I'm going to rape you!"

-He was going to rape you?

-Uh, well...

But it was cool, cos Joe was just like, "In your face, you rapist."

Then he pulls out a kitchen knife and goes...

-MAKES WHOOSHING NOISE

-Bang!

-HE CRIES OUT

-Agh!

Straight through the guy's arm, neutralised, that's exactly how it went down.

That's not true.

But I did disarm him.

And he just ran out of there.

Like a big...

-pussy.

-That's...

actually pretty impressive.

Yeah, that's my man, Joe.

He also makes a mean big sausage pizza. Mm.

With meatballs.

Thanks, Mike. That was a great meeting. See you next week.

What are you doing here?

Oh, Mr Bagshawe. Fancy seeing you here.

I'm just here having a little date with a hoisin and duck wrap.

It's going pretty well, I'll have you know.

She's fully undressed and I can see right up her cucumber.

OK.

Your branch isn't anywhere near here.

Straight to business, is it?

That's why you're Clive Bagshawe, I suppose.

You don't get to become Clive Bagshawe

by not getting straight down to business, do you?

I really must go, I have an appointment.

Don't forget your nice new golfing sticks.

HE STRAINS

I think you'll find they're top of the range

of the second-hand ones I could find on eBay.

I can't accept bribes, Mr Wom.

Sir, you should know, Miss Fawn is resigning.

-So you'll be looking for a new manager...

-Mary? I...

-I don't think so.

-Oh, I do think so.

She'll be announcing it this afternoon.

So, I'm going to put these golfing sticks

into the back of your vehicle.

And you're going to...

drive away.

And no-one's going to know.

-This won't do, Derek.

-Oh, not enough, is it?

Not enough to grease your palm with?

I shall return, then.

With more of that slippery, slippery grease you so enjoy.

Leave me alone.

I understand, My Liege.

Um, OK, just quickly, erm, can everyone just, erm,

listen, just before the post-school rush, er, hits us.

I need to tell you all something,

and it's about last night.

Erm, I admit it.

I abandoned my post and I left Joe alone.

But I need you all to know that I care about Seriously Fried Chicken.

I mean, it's all I think about since Gareth and I parted ways

after that awkward camping holiday.

I love this place.

I yearn...

for its success. In fact, I love it so much

and I respect you all so much,

that after my actions,

I am left with no choice here.

No choice...

but to resign.

Unless of course anyone has any, er...

objections?

INDISTINCT Right.

So, I mean, I'd leave. You know, I wouldn't work here any more.

I'm going to walk out of those doors...

Today! Yeah.

Today, I'm going to leave here and go out into a world

where, I'll be honest here, I don't have too much going on.

There's my family. Well, yes, but my father left when I was small,

it was just mother and I, or Susan, as she preferred to be addressed.

We parted ways one mother's day, or Susan's Day.

Anyway, this is, er, this is how it's going to be. I'm, er,

quitting.

This is how the cookie has crumbled.

Right, I suppose I have to leave now, cos I've quit.

Quite publicly.

Right, off I go.

Just, erm, just go and pack up my things.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Bye, then.

Oh, Derek.

Stick a spork in me.

I'm done.

Well, you've had a good run.

I wanted to walk in the footsteps

of other great leaders that have trodden this path.

Ronald McDonald.

Colonel Sanders.

The Burger King.

But how am I supposed to grow a global corporation

if I let my team down like I did like that?

You know, a great person once said,

"How am I going to grow a global corporation

"if I let my team down like I did like that?"

That person was you.

You were a great leader.

But now it's time to leave.

And, maybe before you do, call Bagshawe

and tell him to appoint a new leader.

Oh, I don't know, Derek.

Maybe it was time to pack it all in anyway.

I could do something crazy. You know, change my life completely.

Pizza or something.

Yes, something like that. Now go on, get out of here. Piss off.

I know what you're doing, Derek.

You want me to stay,

so you're using reverse psychology. Well, it's too late.

Even though I love this place more than anything in the world.

I mean, more than I love the children I could've had with Gareth

if he hadn't insisted on finishing on the bath-mat.

No, it's time for me to leave.

But it's good to know that someone cares about me being here.

Right, yes. I'll take good care of her.

I'll navigate the rocky shoals of customer satisfaction

and whether we have enough cheese.

Dear God, I think we're out of cheese.

Well, I suppose I'd better be off, then.

I'll be fine, you know.

MELANCHOLY MUSIC

MUSIC CUTS OUT

Hey, yo, mind the Reeboks, yeah?

Yeah, I just wanted to check that the items had been delivered.

To a Mr Bagshawe.

From Wom.

Derek Wom.

'They were delivered today, sir.'

OK, great.

DANCE MUSIC

TELEPHONE RINGS IN BACKGROUND

Delivery for you, Clive.

He's going to kill me, isn't he?

You've got your attacker in a headlock and what you do is,

you use their strength to flip them on to their back.

It's kind of like...

JOE STRAINS

OK, I'm not going to do that right now,

because it'd really hurt you, probably, break your back.

Could you please let me go?

That's your first self-defence class.

Namaste, padawan.

Thanks, Joe.

You've manage to make this job marginally less boring.

Hey, keep up with these lessons

and soon you'll be able to take on Shontal.

Touch me and you'll need two nose jobs.

Mate, you're so in, you're practically inside her.

You're dancing round her kidneys, man.

-I told you lying was the only way you'd get a slice.

-We're really starting to bond.

It's like she sees me in a different light.

You know what you should do? Invite her on holiday.

-Don't you think that's a bit soon?

-Yeah, that's why it's brilliant.

Anyone can ask someone out on a date.

-DEEP VOICE:

-Let's go cinema, let's go bowling.

No-one ever says, "Come with me on holiday for, like, six weeks."

-Does that work?

-Yeah, shows that you're serious.

Serious enough to invite them out to The Gambia on a whim.

That's romance.

If you're the girl, it's only polite to have sex with the guy

who's taking you out to The Gambia on a whim. That's a long flight.

Hey, bruv, heard you like to give out free nuggets, innit?

When did everyone start robbing chicken restaurants? There's a Nando's opposite.

-They make shitloads more than us!

-Come on! Hurry up!

-Your money or your nuggets, bitch!

-Watch it, mate.

-It didn't end well for the last person who pointed a knife at this guy.

-Oh, for real?

-You some kind of hero now?

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No. I didn't disarm anyone.

I just gave him the nuggets.

-I even threw in some fries and...

-What?

You lied?

-I just wanted to impress you.

-Bruv, that's so gay.

How's it gay if he's trying to impress a girl?

Shut it, chicken boy!

And you, you better get that till open, yeah?

-DEREK:

-Ugh! We're doomed!

Drop your weapon!

-Please don't hurt me.

-I don't want to hurt you,

but I'm the manager of Seriously Fried Chicken

and I will defend to the death

the brave men, women and children

that work here.

OK, I can see you are very brave.

I don't think I can...

defeat you.

You are too strong as a manga.

Manager.

-What?

-Ger.

Oh, right. As a mana-ger.

Oh! And as a beautiful, soft-skinned woman.

Gosh.

Now, get out of here!

And that is how you handle an attacker.

You know, I was willing to risk my life.

And, you know, I don't know, I just think maybe that...

proves how much I do deserve to run this place.

See, I have a dream.

Yeah, that one day Seriously Fried Chicken will be the third,

if not possibly joint second best

fast food establishment in the whole of the Croydon area!

Come on, guys, let's all dream to...

That man's back.

DOORBELL RINGS

Jesus Christ.

What the hell are you doing here?

How do you know where I live?

Well, there's no law against following someone wherever they go.

There actually is.

Here's the thing...

I may have made a bit of a mistake.

What?

Bribing me? Stalking me?

Yes, that.

But Mary isn't actually going anywhere. She's staying.

And I got a bank loan out to buy all those things for you.

Except the blender, which I borrowed from my roommate.

-You mean your mother?

-Yes.

She loves to blend.

I should fire you for all this.

Oh, please don't.

I've given everything to Seriously Fried Chicken.

Please, I'm, I'm begging you.

I'll keep the clubs.

DEREK EXHALES DEEPLY

Thank you, Mr Bagshawe.

Thank you.

You've made me very happy.

DEREK WHIMPERS

Yo.

What's tall, blonde, frothy and loves me to suck on it?

Er, beer?

-Your mum in a bubble bath. Bang!

-HE LAUGHS

You should've asked her on holiday.

My mum? Princess Jasmine!

Now you're going to have to stalk her proper.

-Don't be ridiculous.

-Love is crazy, man.

Sometimes love means following someone around,

learning their routine,

-until you're ready to make your move.

-What, you mean...

use what you've learned to engineer a romantic encounter?

Nah. Copy her keys, wait till she's not in,

-and then put a webcam in the toilet. Bang!

-That's horrible.

Only when she's taking a shit.

Listen, you want to come back to my place and watch Carrie?

-I don't really like horror films.

-It's not a film.

It's a girl from one of my webcams.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

That's my ride, I got to go. See you later.

Yo, Mum, you're five minutes late.

And you best have my damn car snacks, woman!

See you tomorrow.

Hey, I'm sorry about lying to you before.

If you wanted to impress me, you could've just been yourself.

What, so you're saying if I'm myself you might want to go out with me?

No.

I'm just saying you don't have to try so hard.

So, if I don't try so hard, then...

Night, Joe.

Do you want to go to the Gambia?

JOE SIGHS

There we go, £100, as agreed.

You're no Olivier, my friend, but I think they bought it!

Gobbled it up, like a three wing boneless combo!

-I want more.

-Excuse me?

Deal's changed. I want more than 100 quid.

Now, listen, I will not be intimidated by you, you hear? I'm...

MARY SCREAMS

Ah, OK, it's the hero again.

Mary, what are you doing? Let me in!

I'm sorry, Joe, I'm angrier with myself than you could ever be!

You want to bet?

Aim for his face, Joe! That's basic self-defence!

I really need to get a new job.