Poulet Etc Fried

Hey, Amara, just wanted to say,

great job cleaning those grease traps. Spotless.

Kind of inspiring, really.

Thanks, mate.

Yeah, we are mates...

So, you up to much?

Besides cleaning grease traps? Mainly living the dream.

JOE LAUGHS

You know how, last week, you mentioned you liked boys in bands?

Well, by coincidence,

I've been learning the guitar.

Maybe you should come round mine and...

I could serenade you?

As mates.

Joe, you need to stop doing this.

Doing what?

Clumsily asking me out - and then, when I inevitably say "no" -

making this face.

I don't do that.

I've got to go and stand over there.

Mate, that was the most brutal thing I've ever seen -

and last night, I saw a YouTube of a bullfighter

getting gored in the dick.

Greetings, fellow chicken-nauts!

And are we ready to blast off into the atmosphere?

Or should I say "batter-mosphere"?

Er, point being, it's time for us to take "one giant leap"...

in terms of customer service.

What the hell you talking about, woman?

There's no customers to serve.

Good observation actually, Shontal -

because we have been empty for both the Post-School Rush

and the 5pm Stoner Stampede...

Maybe it's to do with that?

Excuse me, coming through. I'm a chicken professional.

This is work, not pleasure, thank you.

Sorry, can I help you?

Hello! Mary Fawn, manager, Seriously Fried Chicken.

I come in peace -

or should I say, ten PIECES...

of chicken.

It's an offering, manager to manager,

because, er... Well, I for one welcome healthy competition.

That's very kind. Um, but I'm sort of watching my figure.

Margot.

Mary Fawn, manager.

Well, I think it's important

us chicken gals stick together, don't you?

God knows it can be lonely at the top.

I suppose.

Customers always complaining,

men won't go out with you, cos they're too intimidated...

You break down crying several times a day...

MARY LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

It's quite an operation you've got here!

Oh, we like to think so!

What brings you to Croydon?

-Oh, we saw a gap in the market.

-Ha!

Not really a gap though, is there, with us just around the corner...?

I suppose I meant for proper food.

Oh sorry, that came out, er...

Well, you know.

I love... I love this healthy competition!

JOE CLUMSILY PLAYS GUITAR

# And I will try to fix you. #

So, when you making your next move? My suggestion...

-I didn't ask for one...

-..tell her you're terminally ill.

Girls love a charity case

and tears are a powerful lubricant, my friend.

OK, A - that's the worst thing I've ever heard.

And B - I don't need any suggestions,

cos I'm giving up.

There's only so much humiliation I can take.

What? Mate, you can't give up.

It's like the time I tried to break my record for most wanks in a day.

Sure, I wanted to give up after the eighth one,

but I managed, through perseverance...

-..and by putting a finger up...

-Oh, please stop talking.

Hello, everyone.

Um, now you're probably all wondering why I've called you here...

-No.

-Not really.

-Couldn't give a shit.

Now, I want to address the Poulet situation head-on.

Now, I know that our recent lack of custom has been unsettling...

What? I'm loving it.

Give me more time to study my Mandarin.

Why are you learning Chinese?

Why shouldn't I?

They're going to be the world's foremost superpower by 2020!

-OK...

-No, what I mean is, Seriously Fried Chicken

shouldn't be afraid of a little healthy competition.

Mary's right, we shouldn't be afraid -

we should be terrified.

This is an unprecedented threat on a colossal scale...

Thanks, Derek.

Well, I for one think that we can take on Poulet and win.

Yeah! Like, let's mess them up!

We could get one of their burgers, yeah, and fill it with pubes.

-And then be like...

-MUNCHES

"Ugh! Whoa - I didn't order pubic hair with this".

No, no, under no circumstances.

Come on, I've got a bag of mine right here...

Oh, God. I feel sick...

Why have you got them on you?

Be prepared, innit? Plus, I like to keep everything smooth down there.

Like a sea-lion.

There will be no need for such antics, thank you, Ed -

because I, your manager,

will come up with a brilliant plan to bring customers back.

And what would that be, then, hm?

There are many, many possibilities.

So, for example...

..Joe could play his guitar outside the shop to drum up business...

Oh, God, no.

..by singing - and I'm blue-skying here -

a famous song, but with the lyrics changed

to be about Seriously Fried Chicken.

What would that even be?

Um, OK, so, for example, um...

something like,

# Don't you wish your nuggets were nice like mine

# Don't you wish your nuggets came with fries like mine. #

But, I mean, obviously better than that.

# Don't you wish your nuggets were nice like mine... #

Chicken pricks!

# Don't you wish your nuggets came with fries like mine

-# Don't you. #

-Get a real job!

# Don't you. #

This is so embarrassing.

What? Them people are loving it! They keep chucking us coins.

No, they keep throwing coins at us.

Right, forget this. I'm going to pay a visit to those van wankers.

Let's just say things are about to get a bit hairy.

Definitely don't do that.

Too late - the wheels are already in motion.

All right, little fellas? Now's your time to shine.

-Hey...

-Please, don't hurt me!

Sorry, I thought you were going to throw coins at me

or call me a chicken prick.

That wouldn't get us off to a good start, would it?

I'm Jo Jo. I work at Poulet Etc.

Joe. Just the one.

Nice performance. I liked the bit about the nuggets.

-JOE LAUGHS

-Yeah...

Guess I was going for that Jimi Hendrix-type vibe.

That came across.

I'd love to know if you have any gigs coming up.

Here's my number.

Your number?

For, like...

to call you with?

Unless you're not allowed to date girls from rival chicken shops?

Man, this Poulet burger is amazing!

All due respect, boss,

I'm not sure you appreciate the gravity of this situation.

I've seen it happen before.

When I were at Wimpy, we had a Burger King move in on our turf.

Our manager, Steve, he thought we could just stay chipper,

ride out the storm.

Two months later, we were out of business and Steve was dead.

Oh, my God - what, he killed himself?

No, got hit by a tram.

Still, makes you think.

-Does it?

-Look, Mary - let's cut the crap.

I hate you and you hate me...

What? You... You hate me?

It's a figure of speech.

My point is, we'll only survive this Poulet Etc threat

if we work together.

Use me, Mary.

Let me be your tool.

Thanks, Derek. I appreciate that.

PHONE VIBRATES

Yes!

What's up?

Did you win your eBay bid on that Doctor Who duvet?

No, I've got a date tonight.

Oh, it's the 14th.

What? No, I didn't ask the date, I said I've got a date.

Sorry, I'm not following you.

I've got a date!

I'm having dinner with Jo Jo, from Poulet.

She's so great - we really seem to get each other.

Oh. That's great, mate.

My advice? Treat her mean, keep her keen.

That's why, when I'm in a club,

I always introduce myself to ladies by saying...

"I'm going to kill you".

Works every time.

OK, that's less "advice" than "obvious bullshit".

Treat her mean, keep her keen.

If it ain't true, then how come it rhymes?

Yeah, exactly!

So, we haven't had a customer in the last 48 hours.

And I know that you lot -

whose commitment to Seriously Fried Chicken inspires me every day -

are crying out. And you're saying,

"Mary, please use your immense managerial talent to save our shop."

Well, fear no more, for I have heeded your call.

I present to you the ultimate weapon in the fight against Poulet -

our very own hashtag!

I have been tweeting this bad boy all day.

And as soon as it starts, um, trending,

we will be flooded with hip, young...

What are "shit nuggets"?

Eh, I beg your pardon?

The sign - "Seriously Fried Chicken shit nuggets".

No, er, no, cos it says "Seriously Fried Chicken's hit nuggets".

Because our nuggets are always such a hit.

They won't be, if you call them "shit nuggets".

Well, don't... I....don't...er...

Stop saying that, cos it's not that.

It... Come on, this is the start of the fightback, guys.

This is Seriously Fried Chicken, united, taking a stand...

Mmm, God! It's like my mouth is having a lovely orgasm.

Ed, can you please not eat Poulet in here?

Sorry, boss. This is so much better than our shit nuggets.

Right, I'm off for my date.

My date I'm having with Jo Jo.

God, when's he going to stop banging on about "Jo Jo"?

Fact is, you've been bitten by the green-eyed monster.

Like I'd be jealous of someone desperate enough to go out with Joe.

That girl must be a state.

Hey, tiger. Ready to go?

Absolutely.

Wish me luck!

SHONTAL SPEAKS HER LANGUAGE

This place is great - really unpretentious.

Yeah, I'm kind of a regular here.

Sometimes, instead of having a main,

I'll just get two kids' meals - it's more food for less money.

That is so smart.

You know, I was nervous there'd be some kind of catch,

but I'm actually having a really good time.

I feel so comfortable around you.

Here you go, here's your bill.

Oh, out of cash.

I work in a chicken shop, so I'm pretty loaded.

No, it's fine, I'll take care of it.

Whoa...

Are you stealing?

Yeah. Do it all the time.

-What if she caught you?

-Oh, I'm sure I could handle her.

I've been in loads of fights.

And on the way home, she started yelling at this poster of Ben Fogle.

I'm worried she might be kind of a psycho.

Yeah, a fit psycho. Well worth it, mate.

-I could be in danger!

-I'll tell you what's in danger -

your lad points, if you don't get with her.

Why do I tell you things?

I'm definitely not seeing Jo Jo again.

Oh, hey, Joe. Wow, looking good.

Have you been working out?

No.

But I did recently switch to drinking Diet Fanta...

Well, maybe we can get some Diet Fantas together some time.

-Yeah, boy!

-What was that?

I seen this in a porn -

now that you're taken, she's totally got the hots for you!

Come on, no. She once called me the sexual equivalent of cress.

Everyone knows being with a fit girl makes other girls fancy you.

That's basic maths. You got to keep seeing Jo Jo, make Amara jealous!

You think?

Mate, I take a keen interest in female psychology.

Why do you think I watch so much girl-on-girl, huh?

Mary, are you all right?

Mmm, absolutely, yes, why wouldn't I be?

Healthy competition, thrive on the stuff.

I haven't slept in 72 hours, but weak is for the sleep.

Right. It's just earlier, you did deep-fry your phone

and call me "Daddy".

May I confess something to you, Derek?

I'm afraid.

I haven't been this worried

since Gareth suggested I start sleeping in the bath.

I have been up all night brainstorming

and the best idea I've had is...

..cat waiters.

Which means literally nothing.

I mean, yes, it would be cute,

but how are they going to carry the trays?

How are they going to deal with the complaints...?

-Permission to speak freely, boss?

-Erm, permission granted.

The time for niceties is over. This is a street fight.

If you really want to beat these guys,

you've got to cover yourself in grease

and wrestle them naked to the ground.

I'm not sure that's how street fights work, but go on.

I took the liberty of acquiring this from young Edward's locker.

Let's say you "found" a couple of these bad boys in a Poulet burger.

Who'd be laughing then?

I can't. It would go against my every managerial principle.

You got any better ideas?

-Empty the till, now!

-Shit!

I'm kidding! Just wanted to see how my boyfriend's doing.

Oh, OK...

-Boyfriend?

-Yeah!

I mean, I assumed, what with dinner and holding hands,

and the theft...

I thought things were going really well.

Do you not want to go out with me?

Well...

Of course I do! Oh, hi, Amara, didn't see you there.

I don't really notice anything when I'm with my...

Love-Puffin.

Cool...

Toilet's overflowed. Derek wants you on mop duty.

I should get back to Poulet.

Can't afford to lose this job -

they're like the only place that'll hire me, with my,

you know, criminal record.

Criminal record?

Oh, bit of attempted this, aggravated that...

Anyway, see you tonight, Love-Puffin.

Mary, hi!

Hi-ello!

Um, just thought I'd see how my fellow chicken gal was getting on.

I'm great, thanks.

We just had some lovely reviews in.

Croydon Foodie said we're "transcendent".

Gosh. They called us "A threat to public health".

I mean, since when have two rats been an "infestation"?

Um, I'd like a burger, please.

Just thought I'd check out the competition.

Amazing! You should so try our Sardinian Chicken Surprise.

Yes, I think we'll both be surprised...

How much do I owe you?

Hey, it's on the house. Manager-to-manager.

No, I think that I should pay for...

Hey, what's that?

That...

Those....

They're spices.

Mysterious spices, from the Orient.

Cool! Can I have a taste?

No, I'd really rather that you didn't.

-Come on! I promise we won't steal your recipe...

-No!

Oh! God, sorry!

Er...are you OK?

Fine.

Just got some oriental spices on me, is all...

I might go and wash them off.

Quite a lot went in my mouth.

Hey, man. Check out this sweet hat.

Poulet gives you one for free when you have your 20th burger!

-But they've only been open for three days.

-Yeah, I know.

How's the love life?

Er, Jo Jo is a bit...terrifying.

I reckon I should break it off.

What about if she breaks it off?

I'm talking about your dick.

Yeah, maybe do that less?

Mate, you can't give up on the jealousy plan.

You've nearly got Amara exactly where you want her -

in bed with you.

She did say I look less spindly than usual.

I should go speak to her.

Oh, hi. Jo Jo, isn't it?

I'm Amara.

This area's kind of employees only...

Oops, sorry.

It's always a pain when someone goes where they're not allowed.

By the way, what's the deal with you and Joe?

Joe?

We're just mates.

Feels like there's a vibe between you guys. Am I crazy?

Trust me, you've got nothing to worry about.

That's a relief.

Because if you did try anything,

I'd have to wait in the car park after dark

and slash your Achilles tendons.

LAUGHTER I'm not joking.

You don't want to find out what I'm willing to do.

Boss, are you sure you should be having all them Lambrinis?

This is my darkest hour, Derek.

No customers,

haven't slept in days...

Also, I keep finding Ed's pubic hairs down my collar.

MARY SOBS

Hey, hey, hey, don't cry.

Makes you look grotesque.

Perhaps I should just accept defeat.

You mustn't give up.

That's not the Mary Stamatopoulos I know.

My surname's "Fawn".

Well, it doesn't matter. All that matters is this place. These people.

Think - what does Seriously Fried Chicken have

that Poulet never could?

A patch of mould that looks like Wayne Rooney?

No! A manager who loves it more than anything in the world.

And, as much as I hate you...

You hate me?

Figure of speech.

..I know that you can take on these monsters and win!

You're right.

You're right!

I may have taken some knocks this week.

I may have even stooped to attempting pubic sabotage,

but perhaps that's just what Mary Fawn needed

in order to come up with the most ingenious management idea

anyone has ever had!

Hi.

I couldn't believe the news when I heard it,

just within this last hour...

Thank you.

The police think it was arson.

I mean, who could have done this?

Probably the young toughs that frequent the area.

Yeah, that's who it will have been.

Those aforementioned youngs...

JOE PLAYS GUITAR

-Hey, mate. What's up?

-Nothing.

Just having a nice, non-sexual conversation with my co-worker.

Everyone can see that!

-Hello.

-Ah!

I mean, "Ace, it's my Love-Puffin".

I'm sorry your job burnt down.

It's probs for the best - I was taking a lot from the register.

What were you and Amara talking about?

What? Oh, nothing.

Don't ever betray me.

Yeah, no, I won't be doing that.

Oh, God, I've made a huge mistake.

What's this about huge mistake? I haven't made a huge mistake.

No-one will ever know who burned down Poulet.

I mean, anyone could have gone mad on Lambrini

and sleep deprivation and done something rash around 3am...

I was talking about Jo Jo. Mary, did you burn down the van?

MARY GIGGLES No!

That is just about the most ridiculous...

-Please don't tell anyone.

-What?

Oh, my God, they've come to take me away.

I'm not made for prison. I mean, which gang should I join?

Just act normal, OK?

Um, Miss Fawn? I'm PC Hughes.

I'm making some informal enquiries into last night's incident

involving the Poulet Etc van.

Va... V-v-an...? Van...

We've all seen a van. NERVOUS GIGGLE

I have a...disorder of the sweat glands.

It's like crying with your whole skin.

I demand a lawyer!

As I say, this is an informal enquiry.

Is there something you want to tell me?

Well, I...

That is to say...

I...

Actually, officer... This is hard to say,

but one of their staff - Jo Jo, I think her name is -

has, like, prior convictions.

You might want to talk to her.

That's a serious accusation.

Are you sure?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Thanks for your help.

And I really would get that sweat thing checked out.

Thank you, Joe.

Don't mention it.

Like, literally don't mention it.

-ALARM BEEPS

-Ah, 11am -

time for my first double Poulet burger of the day!

Wait, have you not heard?

Their van got torched.

What?

NO!

WHY?!

You can have one of ours.

Yeah, actually, I prefer these anyway. Cheers.

Thank you very much. Cheers.

-Mary, hello!

-Oh, hi.

Um, I just came to see if I could be of any help, really.

Us chicken gals got to stick together.

That's sweet, but really, I'm fine.

Just talked to the insurance people -

turns out we're getting a fortune.

Enough to move to a permanent location in a much better area.

In a way, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

-Oh, right. Well, I'm glad...

-Gavin!

-CAR HORN BEEPS

There's Gavin, my husband.

He's just back from his medical conference

and now, we're going for a five-star spa weekend.

Mary, it's been really interesting, meeting you.

Best of luck with KFC.

I won...

I always knew they'd be back.

I guess Poulet couldn't handle a bit of healthy competition.

Or should I say, they couldn't take the heat!

You definitely shouldn't.

So, I broke up with Jo Jo.

-How did she take it?

-Not great, no.

But it's fine, cos she's under house arrest now,

so she can only stab me to death

if I'm within 30 metres of her property.

Nice work, Casanova.

Would you still be up for getting that drink?

Obviously not.

Right. Yeah, of course.