The Second Coming Fried

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

It all happened last night.

I was working really hard, when the fittest girl walked in.

She was all over me, yeah? But I played it cool.

And just when I thought things couldn't get any better, I saw it.

Behold!

God, have you seen that new busker? He's fit.

It's nice to see tramps finally stepping their game up.

You don't call them tramps. You call them "the homeless".

And he's not that fit.

Behold!

Wish there was a way I could talk to him.

I walk past him every morning, but I can't just say hello.

Not when he's sitting on the floor.

-BEHOLD, bruv!

-What?

It's Jesus on a nugget! This is my ticket out of here!

I'm gone!

It looks like eyes and a mouth. Maybe.

Like Jesus!

Like every human in history.

I'm going to make mad stacks, bro. People eat up this religious stuff.

Time for me to achieve my lifelong dream. I'm going to "uni-verk-sity".

-That's surprisingly adult.

-Yeah, going to study gynaecology.

It's the science of vaginas.

Your Jesus smells weird.

-Yeah, it'd been under the bin.

-Think it'd been there a while.

Ugh!

That's it, and just a little to the left, Shontal,

we don't want it to be at an angle.

You'll be at a fucking angle.

How do they come up with these new ideas? Chicken Balls.

I like to imagine the country's finest minds all

gathered in a lab, testing the limits of what chicken can do.

Putting it in a ball shape. Genius(!)

Gareth always liked round food.

Peas. Grapes. Sometimes tomatoes.

He had an orange once.

This is getting stupid. You want to get over that man?

You get under someone else. You hear?

Oh, no, but I was always on top with Gareth!

Yeah, cos we used to do role-play.

Erm, so, I'd be the kidnapper on top, and then he'd be

the kidnap victim, just, erm, lying there silently underneath me

like he didn't want to be there.

Oh, God, that's rank.

You young people act like you invented sex. Well, you didn't.

Every new position, every new kink, your grandparents did it first.

Same bits, same fluids, same holes.

Mary, he's doing it again!

Penny in the jar, please, Derek!

HE SCOFFS

Why's it creepy when I talk about sex?

I've had more hot sex than you've had hot dinners.

I've got life experience.

No, you don't!

You know, I'm sick and tired of this constant persecution!

"Stop talking about sex, Derek", "Penny in the jar, Derek",

"Those shorts aren't work appropriate, Derek".

Look, I am not a number! I'm a human being!

Ugh. Why do we have to do this?

Ed's the one who uses the fryer as a bin.

Is that a trainer?

(SIGHING) Ah, yes.

We were pretty cool back then.

HE MAKES TRUMPET-LIKE SOUND

HE SIGHS LOUDLY

You really want us to ask about the photo, don't you?

Oh, this old thing? Oh, it's nothing.

It's just me and the old band.

The band, I, Derek Wom, used to be in.

Cool enough for you?

Wait. Remember in English,

when I used to keep asking Mr Campbell about his divorce?

We never did any work!

Watch. I'm getting me out of this.

You were in a band, Derek?

We called ourselves The Wom Trick Ponies.

Because of me surname, Wom, and the saying...

-We get it.

-That's SO interesting!

Had to knock it on the head, though, when my career got in the way.

You gave up music for this?

Well, pop stars come and go,

but Seriously Fried Chicken is a job for life.

If I wanted women throwing their knickers at me,

I'd take the Thursday post-bingo shift.

But it's not my cuppa joe, Joe.

Do you ever wonder if you could've made it big?

What if you dropped dead tomorrow?

We'd have to find cover for Friday!

And you'd never know what you could've achieved.

SHE GASPS

You should do a reunion!

And, you know, if you can't get everyone together,

maybe you could find a new member.

I don't know. Anyone, someone off the street, maybe.

The fryer won't clean itself.

Joe can do it!

Don't let a little work get in the way of your dreams, Derek!

Let me help you.

I suppose I could dig out me old trousers.

It's been years since I crammed me misters into the girdle.

You know what?

Let's do it!

Have fun!

Oh, what about him?

He's reading the newspaper!

One of the big ones! Oh, he's probably a lawyer!

He probably just jets off around the globe, being a lawyer.

Oh, maybe he'll take me to Paris!

And we'll go and visit the Eiffel Tower,

and we'll dance the night away, beneath the, erm...

Well, the Eiffel Tower!

Oh, no, I'm being stupid, he's too good for me, forget it.

He's eating chicken in a chicken shop by himself.

He's not Richard Branson.

Go talk to him.

You're right. I'll do it!

This is a new start for Mary Fawn.

A new Fawn, if you will!

-Hello, customer!

-H-hi.

I'm Mary, erm, I'm the manager.

Erm, would you mind taking part in a short survey today?

In return you'll get this preview box

of Seriously Fried Chicken Chicken Balls.

It's... Well, it's a whole new way to enjoy chicken.

-Oh!

-They're round!

-Thanks.

Great! Erm, well, firstly, just your name, age and, erm, er...

relationship status.

Trevor.

33.

Single.

That's great. Erm, OK, and, erm, out of ten, erm,

one being lowest, ten being highest,

how would you rate your experience here, er, today?

-Six.

-Seven!

That's great.

And how would you rate the management, erm,

ie, moi, erm, here today?

-Seven?

-Seven!

Seven.

And lastly, just, erm, er, your, er, just your telephone number, please.

Erm, just, you know, if you don't mind?

-Just in case we have any further inquiries.

-Zero...

Seven...

Chicken Jesus! Two quid a look! Pray to him for a fiver!

-Any luck?

-Does nobody have respect for religion any more?

At this rate, I'll never get to pussy college!

It's a loss to medical science.

Maybe if you pray to it, you'll get with Amara.

You need a miracle.

I don't need a miracle!

She'll eventually see me for the nice guy I am.

I just need to keep standing near her for long enough.

Suit yourself.

(Please, Chicken Jesus...)

-HE PRAYS QUIETLY

-Five quid!

What you doing?! That took me ages to get straight!

We got a memo from head office. The balls are being withdrawn.

Something about a manufacturing error or something.

Erm, do you think Trevor will like this, er, new lipstick?

The lady in the shop said it made my face look "less sallow"?

Just call the damn man!

OK.

But you made me do this!

MARY CHUCKLES

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Hey, Trevor!

'It's Mary, erm, from Seriously Fried Chicken!'

MARY GIGGLES

On a scale of one to ten, how satisfied are you to hear from me?

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, sorry about, er, adding you on Facebook.

Your picture's the one with the cat in it, erm, isn't it?

(IN HIGHER, SQUEAKY VOICE) Um... This isn't Trevor.

Erm, Trevor's... Erm...

Trevor's dead.

What?!

Erm, sorry. Goodbye!

Well, that's all of them.

Peter wants to spend time with his new grandkids

and Barry's busy with his so-called "dialysis",

and Frank's dead.

So, that's it. The old gang, gone forever.

Scattered to the earth.

Lost, like...tears in the rain.

Hey, I've got a great idea! Why don't you find a replacement?

What about that guy?

What, hire a tramp?! A junkie?!

You don't want someone on drugs in a rock band.

They're unreliable!

You can't call them tramps.

You have to call them homeless people.

And you can't say he's on drugs, that's really offensive.

This is Noah.

He'd just love to be in the band. Right, Noah?

Well, if you want me to be.

You walk past me every day.

I've been wanting to talk to you for ages.

I was going to say the same thing to you!

Hang on there, son.

I don't let just anybody into my magic circle,

especially not a man with a -

face of a Greek god, carved from the finest marble?

Yet you're out there on the streets, scraping a living, homeless?!

Oh, no, I'm not homeless.

Not any more, you're not!

You can sleep here if you like. You can kip under the sauce shelf.

And each morning, I'll feed you offcut goujons from my own hands.

Seriously, I'm just a busker.

You'll do! Come along, I'll teach you all the hits!

That's it.

-He's perfect!

-Him? He's a tramp! He's probably on drugs!

You can't fancy him!

He's so rugged.

He's probably got nothing but the guitar and the clothes on his back.

You can tell he's tortured deep inside.

My dad's going to hate him!

How can Trevor just die like that?

There was no history of family illness, no heart disease,

no rickets...

He wasn't dead.

It was a lie to get out of going out with you.

What would you know about his rickets?

I asked him about it when we were flirting.

What? I just wanted our children to be healthy!

Hang on a second!

First of all, the only person to have eaten those chicken

balls suddenly dies, and then they withdraw them without warning!

Oh, you know what this means?

It means you're coming up with crazy theories to explain

why he turned you down.

I know when someone's into me, Shontal. He gave me a seven.

MARY SIGHS

No, there is definitely something fishy going on here.

Some sort of poisonous Chicken Balls cover-up.

And I'm going to get to the bottom of it!

# Big, big, big, girl! #

AMARA CHEERS

Wow! I smell something.

Oh, the ladies is backed up.

I smell magic. We're back in business.

I'm thinking a comeback gig, tonight. We'll pack this place!

Seriously? A gig in a chicken shop? Is there nowhere else?

Ah, no, I was thinking about what you said, Joe,

about how I quit music to be a chicken man,

and maybe I was wrong.

See, I thought that there were chicken, and there were music,

and nary the twain could mix.

But since those days, it's been done, Joe! It's been done!

You know, the Chicken Dance! The Chicken Tonight theme tune!

That song about KFC!

So, I have to prove to meself.

Have the gig here.

Show that music and chicken can live in harmony and...

only then will I be master of both worlds.

You're so weird.

Tonight? I'm not sure.

I've got my pitch outside, and if I'm not playing,

-I'm losing money, so...

-I can do backing vocals!

-I'm in.

-That's the spirit! Yes, the three of us,

up here together, practising all day.

Who knows what we'll all get up to?

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Mr Bagshawe. It's Mary.'

-I know.

-Excuse me?

I know. I know about the Chicken Balls.

I know what they are.

Yes, a crunchy herbed exterior with a soft 54% chicken interior.

What's in them, Clive? What's REALLY in them?

Fine. It's 36% chicken if you don't include the beaks and the feet.

What are you getting at?

Why are you recalling the Chicken Balls?

There's something wrong with them, isn't there?

We are recalling them. That's all you need to know.

Now drop this, Mary, that's an order.

What was in the balls, Clive?

What was in the balls?!

(Oh, God.)

It was me.

I'm the one that gave Trevor those Chicken Balls.

Oh... I killed him!

Mary? Er...

Derek and a busker are playing music on the roof.

Could you tell them to stop?

Joe, just a casual question.

Do you know if you can bring your own underwear to prison?

I have a prescription bra is all, so...

I just thought there might be noise complaints, maybe.

My cat, Lionel.

He's such a gentle soul. Like you.

Promise me that if I do have to...

go away, you'll give him a good home, won't you?

He was run over last year, so you'll have to express him manually.

Just slide a finger in his anal cavity every day to empty it.

You know what? I think I'm going to leave you to it.

Goodbye, Joe!

Remember me!

And look, two eyes and a mouth. Just like the famous Jesus himself!

Yes, I can see that.

Now, I know what you're thinking, and, yes,

you bless it, show it to the guys down the church,

then we split the profits 50-50.

I was told on the phone that someone had been hit by a car,

and I was needed urgently to perform the last rites.

Please. I need this. I'm trying to fund my education!

My son, I'll say this in the nicest possible way.

This is a piece of chicken. It's gone mouldy.

It has nothing to do with Jesus.

Well, you're not the only Jesus game in town!

Going to get a bidding war going. You'll see!

Was there a car crash here?

It was an accident. I didn't mean to.

I mean, you know that, don't you, God?

You're not angry with me.

If you are, then send me a sign.

SHE GASPS

I must clear my name!

I must solve the case of the poisoned Chicken Balls

before it's too late!

# Fa, so, la....

# La, la, la, la, la

# Ti...

# Do, do, d... #

Great news! I asked Mary if we could have our gig here.

Didn't think she'd say yes, but she did!

And then she started crying and promised to never forget me,

which was weird.

Our first gig! The band's back together.

Oh, this is so exciting!

It's been years since Derek Wom felt a member of something!

And now, Derek Wom is feeling a big member!

Want to do something after the gig?

Just us.

Yeah!

Something really dangerous and violent!

My dad wants me home early.

He's got no idea.

I was thinking more like Pizza Express?

Ah.

(Right.)

Derek? You're in there, right?

I was fine with you bringing the band back and all,

but did you have to bring in Amara? She's...

Oh, my God.

The Derek Wom you knew is dead.

I am Derek Wrong, wandering wizard-poet.

A being of limitless sexuality,

who also happens to fry a mean drumstick.

My stage alter ego. We all had them in the '80s! What do you think?

I think that creepy jar will have enough cash in it to buy a boat.

Ah, I've missed this.

Maybe I were a fool to give it all up.

For the first time ever,

I'm thinking maybe I'm not living life to the full.

I could go back on the road!

Really? I don't think life could get much better than this.

You should stay!

Come be a roadie for us if you like! The older lasses go mad for it!

And what happens in t'back of t'van stays in t'back of t'van.

-If only cos it's rarely cleaned.

-Just...

Just make Amara stay.

Oh, don't worry. We'll drop her off at the first services.

Then Noah and I can drive off into the sunset!

Ooh, talking of which - Noah?

I have your costume!

I give up, bruv! No-one's paying to see a piece of chicken

that looks like Jesus. I'll never make it to uni!

If it helps, I don't think being a gynaecologist would be

-as good as you think anyway.

-You what?!

It's not like porn, Ed. Some of those vaginas are going to be...

-old people vaginas.

-Oh, God! Is it?

Maybe I'm deluded.

Maybe I should let Amara follow her dreams.

If you love something, set it free.

Nah, bruv. If you love something, get it pregnant. Then marry it.

That's what my parents did. Didn't work out in the end.

OK. That would mean having sex with her,

-which brings us back to...

-Good point.

Oh, well, back where you came from!

-Mary?!

-I have been driving myself potty, wondering what was in those

Chicken Balls, wondering why you've been covering it up.

I'm right, aren't I?

Well, now a man has died because of your dirty, infected balls!

Oh! Oh, and you thought you could sweep it under the carpet and no-one

would notice? Well, it's still making a big lump under there

and I keep tripping over the lump and going,

"What the fuck is under the carpet?!"

Well, it's your lies! And I will expose you!

I will expose your balls to the world!

I'm going to have to call you back, everyone.

-ON THE PHONE:

-OK.

-Bye!

BEEP

What the dickens do you think you're doing?

I don't care. I'm n... I'm not ashamed.

At least you know what I am now.

SHE IMITATES WHISTLE

I'm a whistle-blower. That was me blowing my whistle.

The Chicken Balls are not dangerous, Mary.

They're just not Halal, so we had to recall them.

-Oh.

-I should fire you for insubordination.

But...

I admire your integrity.

I'd like to think that every Seriously Fried Chicken

employee would act as you did, Mary.

It makes me feel so very proud.

This song is about me one true love.

GUITAR FEEDBACK

Ow!

# When you're feeling lo-ow

# And you got nowhere to go

# There's a place that's just for you-oo

# We got thighs, we got breasts

# We got wings and dippers, too

# So, come on down to the chicken place

# The chips are hot

# And the dips are ace...

# At the Seriously...

# F-F-F-Fried Chicken shop!

# Ow! Yeah! Ha! #

GUITAR FEEDBACK

-Ah! Isn't this great?

-I thought you said it'd be packed.

Oh, you just wait. Once the pubs kick out,

this place can have up to as many as ten customers at once!

Wait.

Why aren't you wearing the outfit I got you?

I'd really rather not.

I will not be made to look stupid, Noah!

No matter how rugged and handsome a lad you may be, I will not

let my magic circle be penetrated by selfish fucking tramps!

Right! Well, I quit.

Amara, you coming?

-You're the only reason I'm here anyway.

-God, yes.

Amara...

-Joe.

-Just listen.

I've been a dick about you and Noah. So, I'm sorry.

And if you'll have me, I'd love for us to be friends.

Oh, Joe...

Amara. Do you want a lift?

Wait. You have a car?

Yeah.

I'm not going to bring all my gear on the bus, am I?

But...you're a busker.

You're meant to be poor.

You're meant to be a dangerous rebel!

I told you. I'm not homeless.

Mum left me a house. I just do this for the beer money.

-Plus, I love the music.

-God!

-My dad would love you.

-Thanks!

No, not "thanks"! You're not a rebel.

You're no better than...Joe!

Yeah! Wait, what?

Sorry. You're not the person I thought you were.

But I've waited weeks just to talk to you.

I spent a day in an old man's band just to...

The lady said no.

NOAH SIGHS

What you said before, about us being friends,

it was really nice. I'm going to need a good friend now,

cos after Noah, I just want to go out

and get with the first guy I see!

Anyone! Even you!

Had you not just said all that nice stuff just now.

See you later, Joe.

Everyone, I'm back!

Don't.

Oh, Shontal. Never change!

Derek!

I tried to follow my dreams and everything turned to crap.

I got my heart broken by a busker.

But you're alive!

And there are so many wonderful things out there in the world!

The smell of a home-cooked ready meal!

The sound of an X Factor,

one of the good early ones with all the mad people!

I mean, who cares about fame? You've got life!

Could be worse. Could be Derek.

Could be worse. Could be Joe.

-What?!

-That's the spirit!

All's well that ends well.

All the loose ends tied up.

-Hello.

-Trevor?

I came to get some nuggets.

And to beg for your forgiveness.

I told a terrible lie the other day, and I can't get it out of my head.

I just got out of a long relationship and I...

I panicked.

But the way I acted, it was unforgivable.

TIMER BEEPS

Oh, it was nothing. Erm, no, I didn't mind.

-Trevor, was it?

-No.

I mind. It was wrong.

If you could...give me a second chance?

Erm, well, we'll see.

Erm... Maybe, cos I'm actually quite busy at the moment, so, erm...

Yeah. Maybe I'll call you.

There you go. Cheers.

SHE GIGGLES

He's in love with me!

SHE GIGGLES MANIACALLY

OK, Mary, play it cool, play it caz.

SHE GIGGLES

Here goes nothing!

TREVOR'S PHONE RINGS

Hello, erm, Trevor?

-WOMAN ON PHONE:

-I'm sorry.

Trevor's very ill.

Food poisoning.

Oh, come on! What, you really think I'm going to fall for that?

'Twice? You are a pathetic, disgusting coward, Trevor!'

What, you think you're too good for me?

Oh, well, guess what? That was your last chance,

because the Mary express has left the station!

Destination, Self-Respect...Station, calling at Confidence Junction

and all stations to Positive Thinking!

Was that Mary?

HE VOMITS

Nice one!

Who needs him? I'm a new woman.

And it's time to live life to the full!

OK, back to work, everyone.