The Chicken Awards Fried


The Chicken Awards

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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This programme contains adult humour

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Do you think there's, like, one woman for everyone?

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She'd get really sore. That's like three billion dicks.

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-I mean, like, one woman for every one man. Like soulmates.

-Nah.

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If we was intended to be with just one woman,

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there wouldn't be all kinds of different-looking women.

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Little ones, big ones, littler ones, bigger ones.

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-Even littler one.

-I get where you're going.

-Believe.

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I've tried to forget about Amara. I have.

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But it's so hard when you see someone every day.

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It's like trying to forget about... having legs.

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Maybe you should just cut your legs off. 4th of July style.

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-That's not what I'm trying to say.

-OK, then, just quit!

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Walk out the door.

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Just turn round, don't work here any more.

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I can't quit. This place is really close to my house.

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I see your dilemma, bro.

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But you need to put an end to it.

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Get it on with Amara, or don't get it on,

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but please, please stop talking about it.

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Cause I nod, and I say things, but I do not give a shit.

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You feel me?

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You know, today, I woke up,

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and for the first time in a very long time, I didn't reach out to

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an empty space in my bed to try and touch Gareth's soft little cheeks.

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And I didn't spend the next five minutes screaming,

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"Gareth, why, why did you go!?"

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I just... I just got up.

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D'ya know, I think I might finally be over him.

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-Mary...

-Well now I can just concentrate on work, can't I?

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And... And if tonight goes the way me think it will

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and we win the coveted Most Improved Restaurant award,

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well, then today will officially be the best day of my life, since

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Gareth bought me that fireman's costume for the old, er, boudoir.

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Mary, I just wanted to say,

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we'll send the results of your cervical smear test next week.

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Oh, yeah, yeah, of course, yeah, sure.

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Sorry, erm, sorry, just out of interest, erm,

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how's everything looking down there?

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All looks well.

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Erm, just, sorry, I just mean aesthetically,

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erm, is everything, erm, on trend?

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Kosher?

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Well, that's not really my place to...

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Beyonce has one. Apparently. Calls it the Beyonshave.

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I should go.

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Hey, check this out.

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Poultry in motion, innit?

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Hey, what's up with you?

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That shit always gets at least a middle finger.

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-Me and Trey broke up.

-Aw, man. That's sad.

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Did he be-Trey you?

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Oh! There it is!

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-Ooh, look at you!

-Whoo! Fancy!

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Where are you off to?

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Ah. Awkward.

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Erm, well I put off, er, telling you this until now, so that you

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two could just deal with the pain of not being invited, er, quickly.

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What are you talking about?

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Well, tonight is The Fifth Annual Seriously Fried Chicken Awards!

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They actually have those?

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Oh, yeah. They have 'em, babe.

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The cream of the cream of the chicken world will be there.

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Well, someone's got to man and woman the shop.

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Well, as the newest employees, I've chosen you two.

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But don't worry, cause I've put you both on double pay.

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-Bullshit!

-Balls!

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You know, ever since I joined you here, it's been a private dream

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of mine to bring home the coveted Most Improved Restaurant award.

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And now we've been nominated.

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I mean, arguably we haven't improved

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so much as not got dramatically worse, but still, yay, us!

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And tonight, you, my loyal staff, will all be there

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to share in the glory. Except Joe and Amara.

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Oh! Oh, taxi's here! Showtime!

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Come on, Joe, I need a hand with the breasts.

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The chicken breasts in the freezer.

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Not the human breasts in my bra. Grow up.

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Tell that cab man to hold up, just forgot my giantgantic condoms.

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I hear them girls from Norbiton branch are well horny!

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I can't believe they actually have chicken awards.

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Yeah! They have awards for everything.

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-Got awards for best flyer...

-What?

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-Ed!

-Ed! Ed!

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You can thank me later, chief!

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What the hell does he think he's doing?

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He never thinks about anything. He just does it.

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Like when he stapled all his fingers together.

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-Why would he do that?

-I don't know, that's what I'm trying to say.

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He doesn't think about anything. He just does it.

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We'll find a way out of here. Don't worry.

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We may be locked in the freezer, but on the plus side,

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this is actually an improvement on the chicken awards, so...

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Oh, wow. All the old faces are here. And look!

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It's Clive Bagshawe. Working his magic.

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God, he is such a brilliant man.

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I've found our table. Let's get drunk.

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Shall we shuffle these place names a little, mix it up?

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Don't want to have Shontalla all to meself.

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Yes, yes, yes, the man has a point, come on, shuffle away, shuffle away.

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No, no, because it's designated seating.

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This is the Fifth Annual Seriously Fried Chicken Awards, guys,

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it's not the Glastonbury festival.

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-Mary.

-Oh, my God. I know that voice.

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-It's Gareth.

-It's Gareth.

-Hey. It's Gareth!

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Oh, my God, it's Gareth.

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Gareth. Well, this is... This is a surprise.

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I wasn't expecting to see you here.

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Well, there's been something of a recent merger between my company

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and yours, thanks to your introduction.

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It's a very exciting collaboration.

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What are you doing for Seriously Fried Chicken?

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What am I not doing? Photocopying. Printing. Laminating.

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Hole-punching... I can't say much more than that.

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Actually, I think I just told you everything. Shit. Don't tell anyone.

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So your shop's just doing all their printing?

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It's a two-way street Mary.

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I mean, yes, we do their printing for them,

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but they pay us for said printing.

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It's what they call a merger.

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I don't think it is.

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I think it is. You know what they say in my business?

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You got to keep moving forward, otherwise you're just stationery.

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Holy mackerel, I haven't laughed that much in years.

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-So, how have you been?

-I don't miss you.

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Do you sometimes call me and then not say anything, and then hang up?

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-No.

-I have caller ID, Mary.

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I have you on speed dial and sometimes the cats press the buttons.

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-I hear you breathing heavily.

-They have asthma.

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Listen, Mary, erm... I was wondering, if it's OK with you,

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if I could swing by your place some time.

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Oh, God, yes, yes, we can make this work, Gareth, I won't

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burn your ciabatta any more. That was so stupid of me.

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No, I think I left my karate suit there.

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And I can't do karate without my karate suit. I'd look ridiculous!

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Just... just imagine that! Picture it!

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Oh, my. Oh! I haven't laughed that much in years.

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The karate suit is gone, Gareth.

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-Like you.

-Oh, balls. They're really expensive.

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I'll see you, Mare.

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-Help! HELP!

-Stand back.

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-HELP! HELP!

-That's what I was doing.

-But I was doing it louder.

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I thought you were going to knock down the door or something.

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It's made of metal.

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It's freezing in here.

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That's kind of the idea behind the freezer.

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This day couldn't get any worse.

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First Trey breaks up with me,

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and now I'm stuck in a freezing cold freezer.

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He broke up with you?

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Why do you look so happy?

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Sorry.

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Look, I'm going to get us out of here. I have an idea.

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HELP! HELP!

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How am I supposed to resist that?

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How am I supposed to try and live a normal life,

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knowing that a man like that is out there?

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You should get a brain operation to like, you know,

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erase the memories of him out your brain, yeah?

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A mate of mine once did it on elephant tranquilisers.

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I don't have any elephant tranquilisers.

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OK, how about this? You need to make Gary jealous, right?

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He needs to see that you can get it elsewhere.

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And the moment he sees that, Gary will have the horn for Mary Fawn.

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Make him jealous? What about Clive?

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Gareth has always admired Clive.

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He looks up to him as a businessman.

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I mean, this would drive him really potty.

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Imagine, me kissing Clive Bagshawe.

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That's not enough.

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You want to make him jealous, you've got to take it further.

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-Tongues?

-Ergh, no! Just like, give him a hand job or something.

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Hand job, eh? Crumbs. I've never given one of those before.

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Always fancied, erm, giving it a whirl. Gareth wasn't a fan.

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He preferred just to shout at me while I sucked his feet.

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When do you think they're coming back?

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They're not. We're supposed to lock up.

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-We could be here all night.

-And my phone's outside.

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Maybe we should huddle together and use our bodies for warmth.

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You're right. That's better.

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Yeah. It's really nice.

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And warming. It's all about sharing body heat and survival, really.

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So... You're single now. You and Trey...no more.

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-Why did you break-up?

-We wanted different things.

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He wanted to sleep with other girls and I didn't.

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I really liked him, I thought maybe it was going somewhere.

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I don't know what it is with me. Guys just don't want to commit.

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I don't see why anyone going out with you would want to sleep

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with anyone else.

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That's sweet, Joe.

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What's less sweet is you getting a boner while hugging me.

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You smell like apples.

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It's probably the apples.

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Why's Mary freezing apples?

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And now, please welcome regional branch manager Clive Bagshawe!

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It's been a madcap year for Seriously Fried Chicken.

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It's continued to explore chicken salad mega-meal with mayonnaise...

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Sorry, it's the wrong cards there.

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There's only one way we're going to get through this thing.

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I stole it from the bar.

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Every time Bagshawe says the word chicken you have to take a shot.

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All right, my Nubian friend, you're on.

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We're also excited to be presenting a new menu this year.

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New chicken bignuggets, chicken chowburger,

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chicken chicken burger, the triple chicken chicken chicken

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and the chicken chicken fiesta AKA the festival of chicken.

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That's less of a dish, more of a challenge.

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Anyway, now to hand over the actual awards, I'd like to introduce

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someone who needs no introduction, a born raconteur,

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Vice-President of Sales, Double Chicken Bignuggets...

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Sorry, wrong card. Er...

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Mike Fagins!

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Thank you, Clive.

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This really has been an incredible year in terms of sales.

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That was amazing.

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You're like something out of McBusted or something.

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Just, you know, seeing you up there on stage, it was like pure sex.

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OK.

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Oh, Clive, you're such a silly! You're such a sillybug!

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What are you doing?

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Putting my hand on your leg. It's nice, isn't it?

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Excuse me. I'm...going to the bathroom.

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Clive, the awards have only just...

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Oh, I see. Oh, right.

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OK, Clive, prepare to be hand-jobbed.

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Gareth used to like it when I put on my jeans and did my big daddy voice.

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Do you like that?

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Miss Fawn, are you trying to seduce me?

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Mr Bagshawe... Yeah. Is that not clear? Am I doing it wrong?

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Mary, what are you doing? I'm not interested in sleeping with you.

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I'm not talking about sleeping with you.

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Just a brisk hand job in the cubicle.

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Mary, I'm gay.

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I could turn around...?

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A woman's anus is completely different from a man's anus, Mary.

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You should know that.

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Yeah, that... Yeah, that was stupid of me.

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I cannot pretend that your anus is the anus of a man.

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They're in no way similar.

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-I don't know what I was thinking...

-Besides, I'm seeing someone.

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Is there any chance we could forget any of this ever happened?

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Mary, I am aware that my raw sexuality can be

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a problem for some people.

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It's landed me in many a sticky situation.

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We'll talk about this next week.

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Thanks, Clive.

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How can Rizwan Rupar win for best side dish?

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Anyone could've done fucking peas!

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What about my frozen apples?!

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Come on, let's get drunk.

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Not until someone says the word chicken.

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-Chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken.

-Shit.

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I'm scared. What if we're in here all night?

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-Someone will come back after the awards.

-What if they don't?

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I keep thinking of everything I haven't done yet.

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Like the nail appointment I had this weekend.

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Or trying that new Chinese place with Shanie.

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I wouldn't have minded having sex before I died.

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Would be right up there at the top of the list.

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Right above getting a new job, falling in love with you,

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getting married and having children called Karima and Steve.

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One for you and one for me, you know?

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I shouldn't have said that out loud.

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It's sweet. But... Seriously, you've never had sex?

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Not with something that wasn't a watermelon.

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I did ask permission first, if that's what you're wondering.

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You're funny. I can't believe someone like you is still a virgin.

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It's weird, isn't it?

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To be a virgin at my age and not for religious reasons.

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I mean, I have done stuff, but...

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for some reason, it's never really happened.

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Never gone the full enchilada.

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Joe, you're sweet, you're funny and you're kind.

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Girls would be lucky to have someone like you.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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There will now follow a short break while we re-set

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the stage for the comic stylings of the Norbiton branch.

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Er, we've been warned that there may be an element of strobe lighting,

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but I've been informed that it's just in fact Catherine

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switching off the lights and then on again, really quickly.

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Thank you.

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That's not a trampoline! That's my Volkswagen!

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And it really was!

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Oh, Shont, why have we not hung it out more often?

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You and I, we've got so much in common!

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Yeah! Cos we both, you know, we're both here

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and we both came in a taxi and... Yeah!

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Shontal. I think we should go on holiday.

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I've always wanted to go scuba diving in the Galapagos.

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I've always wanted you to go scuba diving in the Galapagos!

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Well, you could come with me! Me and you, you and me.

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Amazing!

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Well, I'll book it now!

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I've got me phone and me credit cards.

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Oh, do it! Just fucking do it, Derek!

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Oh, God, I am so drunk. I've ruined everything.

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Did you see that look? He's angry.

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-Nah, mate, he's giving you the sexy eyes, isn't it?

-Really?

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I look at a girl like that, she knows that I'm trying to book

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a meeting room, cos it's business time.

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Oh. Good gosh.

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Go. This is your chance to get Gary jealous.

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Here I go. Here I bloody go!

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And when you're done, get me some snacks!

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Clive?

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Gareth, er, leave us, please, I need to speak to Clive.

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Mary, Clive told me what happened.

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And you need to keep your hands off him.

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Clive and I are together. I love him, Mary.

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-What?

-What? I thought we were just doing stuff.

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No. Well, yes we are. But I love you, Clive.

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I'm all in.

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If there was a Clive Bagshawe fan club, I would be president

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and treasurer and also a member.

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If that were allowed under club regulations.

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Because you are brilliant.

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-You two...are an item?

-I should leave.

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Gareth... All this time you've been...?

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Why do you think I made you wear that fireman outfit, Mary?

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And that stick-on moustache? And kept making you use that deep voice?

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I thought it was just role play.

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I thought it was just fun and games.

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Gareth, did I turn you?

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Oh, Mary, I owe you a debt of gratitude.

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I could've been with someone younger, more attractive,

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more intelligent, and I might not have realised for ages.

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You helped me make that leap. Your mediocrity gave me wings.

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Oh, Gareth, there is just one more thing.

0:21:060:21:11

-And the winner is Mary Fawn!

-That's me!

0:21:210:21:25

Come up with me!

0:21:300:21:33

Everything in my life has always been about work.

0:21:440:21:49

And there was a time about ten minutes ago,

0:21:510:21:54

when this would've meant the world to me.

0:21:540:21:57

To be most improved.

0:21:570:22:00

But all I know is that I have given my life to my restaurant.

0:22:000:22:08

And I've gotten nothing in return.

0:22:090:22:14

Because work cannot fill the hole in your heart.

0:22:140:22:20

You can't wake up in the morning to a nice career.

0:22:210:22:26

You can't take your career ice skating.

0:22:260:22:29

You can't take your career on a picnic.

0:22:290:22:33

You can't take your career for brunch with the papers. You can't...

0:22:330:22:39

What else can't you do with your career?

0:22:390:22:42

We're not actually doing speeches.

0:22:420:22:44

You can't have your hair stroked by your career!

0:22:450:22:49

There's more to life than just the four walls of the restaurant.

0:22:500:22:56

Please, live your life.

0:22:560:23:00

LIVE IT!

0:23:020:23:04

LIVE IT!

0:23:040:23:06

MUSIC PLAYS

0:23:150:23:16

D'you want to hear something embarrassing?

0:23:300:23:32

I'm a virgin, too.

0:23:340:23:37

-Really?

-Yeah.

-How?

0:23:370:23:41

Like you, never happened for some reason.

0:23:410:23:45

Never felt like the right person.

0:23:450:23:47

That's why Trey really broke up with me.

0:23:500:23:52

That's why he slept with someone else.

0:23:540:23:56

God, I've never told anyone that.

0:23:570:24:01

I suppose it doesn't matter now if we're going to freeze to death.

0:24:030:24:06

If we're going to freeze to death,

0:24:070:24:09

maybe we should try not to die virgins.

0:24:090:24:12

-Hey, hey, hey, lovebirds!

-Ed, you absolute shithead.

0:24:170:24:21

-You're welcome.

-Go away and lock us in again.

-What?

0:24:210:24:25

You can let go of me now, Joe.

0:24:250:24:27

Joe?

0:24:270:24:28

I thought you two needed some time to work it out, innit?

0:24:360:24:39

And listen, you're going to have amazing babies.

0:24:390:24:41

As long as they look like you and think like him.

0:24:410:24:44

Cos if they look like you, and think like you,

0:24:440:24:47

Then my advice is to leave it on a mountain.

0:24:470:24:50

That's Chinese peasant style, that is. Respect.

0:24:500:24:53

-Good to be warm.

-Yeah.

0:24:550:24:58

So, do you want to get a drink or something?

0:24:580:25:01

What happened in there, I was cold and scared.

0:25:020:25:06

-I wasn't thinking.

-I love you!

0:25:060:25:08

Thoughts?

0:25:100:25:12

It's weird. I feel like our relationship's changed.

0:25:130:25:17

It's like it's moved on to another level.

0:25:190:25:21

-I do love you, Joe.

-Yes!

0:25:220:25:24

-As a friend.

-Shit!

0:25:240:25:26

Oh, hi, Joe! Oh, I thought everyone would've gone home.

0:25:390:25:43

I was stuck in the freezer.

0:25:430:25:45

Oh, no! Did the emergency door release not work?

0:25:450:25:48

Emergency door release?

0:25:490:25:51

Uh, no. No, it didn't.

0:25:510:25:54

Out of interest, where is the emergency door release?

0:25:540:25:56

Well, it's by the door, behind the frozen apples.

0:25:560:26:00

Should have gone with bloody peas though, right?

0:26:000:26:02

Right. Er, how was the thing?

0:26:020:26:05

We won.

0:26:060:26:09

Yay, us.

0:26:090:26:10

Where did you get that from?

0:26:170:26:19

Underneath the counter.

0:26:190:26:22

Didn't you see? You were looking right at me when I did it.

0:26:220:26:25

Never mind... I could use one.

0:26:250:26:27

To us.

0:26:300:26:32

Are we going to talk about last night?

0:26:400:26:42

-Derek.

-We shared something, you and I.

0:26:440:26:46

We were drunk, it should never have happened.

0:26:460:26:49

But it did. We can't undo what's been done, because it's been done.

0:26:490:26:54

We're going on a three-week scuba diving holiday to the Galapagos,

0:26:560:26:59

cos there's a very hefty cancellation fee.

0:26:590:27:02

Don't forget your flippers!

0:27:040:27:05

Morning, snugglebunny.

0:27:120:27:14

Uh... What?

0:27:140:27:18

I made you some breakfast.

0:27:180:27:20

I thought you'd need to get your strength back after last night.

0:27:200:27:23

-Last night. When we...?

-Three times.

0:27:240:27:28

Oh, my word, Joe.

0:27:280:27:29

If only you displayed that sort of enthusiasm at work!

0:27:300:27:33

-Oh, God.

-Come on, then, eat up.

0:27:330:27:36

Cos we'll need to be in work soon.

0:27:360:27:38

Although it doesn't matter if you're late,

0:27:380:27:41

because the boss' boyfriend gets special privileges.

0:27:410:27:44

As well as free nuggets...

0:27:460:27:48

I really need to get a new job.

0:27:570:27:59

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