The Chicken Awards Fried

This programme contains some strong language

This programme contains adult humour

Do you think there's, like, one woman for everyone?

She'd get really sore. That's like three billion dicks.

-I mean, like, one woman for every one man. Like soulmates.

-Nah.

If we was intended to be with just one woman,

there wouldn't be all kinds of different-looking women.

Little ones, big ones, littler ones, bigger ones.

-Even littler one.

-I get where you're going.

-Believe.

I've tried to forget about Amara. I have.

But it's so hard when you see someone every day.

It's like trying to forget about... having legs.

Maybe you should just cut your legs off. 4th of July style.

-That's not what I'm trying to say.

-OK, then, just quit!

Walk out the door.

Just turn round, don't work here any more.

I can't quit. This place is really close to my house.

I see your dilemma, bro.

But you need to put an end to it.

Get it on with Amara, or don't get it on,

but please, please stop talking about it.

Cause I nod, and I say things, but I do not give a shit.

You feel me?

You know, today, I woke up,

and for the first time in a very long time, I didn't reach out to

an empty space in my bed to try and touch Gareth's soft little cheeks.

And I didn't spend the next five minutes screaming,

"Gareth, why, why did you go!?"

I just... I just got up.

D'ya know, I think I might finally be over him.

-Mary...

-Well now I can just concentrate on work, can't I?

And... And if tonight goes the way me think it will

and we win the coveted Most Improved Restaurant award,

well, then today will officially be the best day of my life, since

Gareth bought me that fireman's costume for the old, er, boudoir.

Mary, I just wanted to say,

we'll send the results of your cervical smear test next week.

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course, yeah, sure.

Sorry, erm, sorry, just out of interest, erm,

how's everything looking down there?

All looks well.

Erm, just, sorry, I just mean aesthetically,

erm, is everything, erm, on trend?

Kosher?

Well, that's not really my place to...

Beyonce has one. Apparently. Calls it the Beyonshave.

I should go.

Hey, check this out.

Poultry in motion, innit?

Hey, what's up with you?

That shit always gets at least a middle finger.

-Me and Trey broke up.

-Aw, man. That's sad.

Did he be-Trey you?

Oh! There it is!

-Ooh, look at you!

-Whoo! Fancy!

Where are you off to?

Ah. Awkward.

Erm, well I put off, er, telling you this until now, so that you

two could just deal with the pain of not being invited, er, quickly.

What are you talking about?

Well, tonight is The Fifth Annual Seriously Fried Chicken Awards!

They actually have those?

Oh, yeah. They have 'em, babe.

The cream of the cream of the chicken world will be there.

Well, someone's got to man and woman the shop.

Well, as the newest employees, I've chosen you two.

But don't worry, cause I've put you both on double pay.

-Bullshit!

-Balls!

You know, ever since I joined you here, it's been a private dream

of mine to bring home the coveted Most Improved Restaurant award.

And now we've been nominated.

I mean, arguably we haven't improved

so much as not got dramatically worse, but still, yay, us!

And tonight, you, my loyal staff, will all be there

to share in the glory. Except Joe and Amara.

Oh! Oh, taxi's here! Showtime!

Come on, Joe, I need a hand with the breasts.

The chicken breasts in the freezer.

Not the human breasts in my bra. Grow up.

Tell that cab man to hold up, just forgot my giantgantic condoms.

I hear them girls from Norbiton branch are well horny!

I can't believe they actually have chicken awards.

Yeah! They have awards for everything.

-Got awards for best flyer...

-What?

-Ed!

-Ed! Ed!

You can thank me later, chief!

What the hell does he think he's doing?

He never thinks about anything. He just does it.

Like when he stapled all his fingers together.

-Why would he do that?

-I don't know, that's what I'm trying to say.

He doesn't think about anything. He just does it.

We'll find a way out of here. Don't worry.

We may be locked in the freezer, but on the plus side,

this is actually an improvement on the chicken awards, so...

MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, wow. All the old faces are here. And look!

It's Clive Bagshawe. Working his magic.

God, he is such a brilliant man.

I've found our table. Let's get drunk.

Shall we shuffle these place names a little, mix it up?

Don't want to have Shontalla all to meself.

Yes, yes, yes, the man has a point, come on, shuffle away, shuffle away.

No, no, because it's designated seating.

This is the Fifth Annual Seriously Fried Chicken Awards, guys,

it's not the Glastonbury festival.

-Mary.

-Oh, my God. I know that voice.

-It's Gareth.

-It's Gareth.

-Hey. It's Gareth!

Oh, my God, it's Gareth.

Gareth. Well, this is... This is a surprise.

I wasn't expecting to see you here.

Well, there's been something of a recent merger between my company

and yours, thanks to your introduction.

It's a very exciting collaboration.

What are you doing for Seriously Fried Chicken?

What am I not doing? Photocopying. Printing. Laminating.

Hole-punching... I can't say much more than that.

Actually, I think I just told you everything. Shit. Don't tell anyone.

So your shop's just doing all their printing?

It's a two-way street Mary.

I mean, yes, we do their printing for them,

but they pay us for said printing.

It's what they call a merger.

I don't think it is.

I think it is. You know what they say in my business?

You got to keep moving forward, otherwise you're just stationery.

Holy mackerel, I haven't laughed that much in years.

-So, how have you been?

-I don't miss you.

Do you sometimes call me and then not say anything, and then hang up?

-No.

-I have caller ID, Mary.

I have you on speed dial and sometimes the cats press the buttons.

-I hear you breathing heavily.

-They have asthma.

Listen, Mary, erm... I was wondering, if it's OK with you,

if I could swing by your place some time.

Oh, God, yes, yes, we can make this work, Gareth, I won't

burn your ciabatta any more. That was so stupid of me.

No, I think I left my karate suit there.

And I can't do karate without my karate suit. I'd look ridiculous!

Just... just imagine that! Picture it!

Oh, my. Oh! I haven't laughed that much in years.

The karate suit is gone, Gareth.

-Like you.

-Oh, balls. They're really expensive.

I'll see you, Mare.

-Help! HELP!

-Stand back.

-HELP! HELP!

-That's what I was doing.

-But I was doing it louder.

I thought you were going to knock down the door or something.

It's made of metal.

It's freezing in here.

That's kind of the idea behind the freezer.

This day couldn't get any worse.

First Trey breaks up with me,

and now I'm stuck in a freezing cold freezer.

He broke up with you?

Why do you look so happy?

Sorry.

Look, I'm going to get us out of here. I have an idea.

HELP! HELP!

How am I supposed to resist that?

How am I supposed to try and live a normal life,

knowing that a man like that is out there?

You should get a brain operation to like, you know,

erase the memories of him out your brain, yeah?

A mate of mine once did it on elephant tranquilisers.

I don't have any elephant tranquilisers.

OK, how about this? You need to make Gary jealous, right?

He needs to see that you can get it elsewhere.

And the moment he sees that, Gary will have the horn for Mary Fawn.

Make him jealous? What about Clive?

Gareth has always admired Clive.

He looks up to him as a businessman.

I mean, this would drive him really potty.

Imagine, me kissing Clive Bagshawe.

That's not enough.

You want to make him jealous, you've got to take it further.

-Tongues?

-Ergh, no! Just like, give him a hand job or something.

Hand job, eh? Crumbs. I've never given one of those before.

Always fancied, erm, giving it a whirl. Gareth wasn't a fan.

He preferred just to shout at me while I sucked his feet.

When do you think they're coming back?

They're not. We're supposed to lock up.

-We could be here all night.

-And my phone's outside.

Maybe we should huddle together and use our bodies for warmth.

You're right. That's better.

Yeah. It's really nice.

And warming. It's all about sharing body heat and survival, really.

So... You're single now. You and Trey...no more.

-Why did you break-up?

-We wanted different things.

He wanted to sleep with other girls and I didn't.

I really liked him, I thought maybe it was going somewhere.

I don't know what it is with me. Guys just don't want to commit.

I don't see why anyone going out with you would want to sleep

with anyone else.

That's sweet, Joe.

What's less sweet is you getting a boner while hugging me.

You smell like apples.

It's probably the apples.

Why's Mary freezing apples?

And now, please welcome regional branch manager Clive Bagshawe!

It's been a madcap year for Seriously Fried Chicken.

It's continued to explore chicken salad mega-meal with mayonnaise...

Sorry, it's the wrong cards there.

There's only one way we're going to get through this thing.

I stole it from the bar.

Every time Bagshawe says the word chicken you have to take a shot.

All right, my Nubian friend, you're on.

We're also excited to be presenting a new menu this year.

New chicken bignuggets, chicken chowburger,

chicken chicken burger, the triple chicken chicken chicken

and the chicken chicken fiesta AKA the festival of chicken.

That's less of a dish, more of a challenge.

Anyway, now to hand over the actual awards, I'd like to introduce

someone who needs no introduction, a born raconteur,

Vice-President of Sales, Double Chicken Bignuggets...

Sorry, wrong card. Er...

Mike Fagins!

Thank you, Clive.

This really has been an incredible year in terms of sales.

That was amazing.

You're like something out of McBusted or something.

Just, you know, seeing you up there on stage, it was like pure sex.

OK.

Oh, Clive, you're such a silly! You're such a sillybug!

What are you doing?

Putting my hand on your leg. It's nice, isn't it?

Excuse me. I'm...going to the bathroom.

Clive, the awards have only just...

Oh, I see. Oh, right.

OK, Clive, prepare to be hand-jobbed.

Gareth used to like it when I put on my jeans and did my big daddy voice.

Do you like that?

Miss Fawn, are you trying to seduce me?

Mr Bagshawe... Yeah. Is that not clear? Am I doing it wrong?

Mary, what are you doing? I'm not interested in sleeping with you.

I'm not talking about sleeping with you.

Just a brisk hand job in the cubicle.

Mary, I'm gay.

I could turn around...?

A woman's anus is completely different from a man's anus, Mary.

You should know that.

Yeah, that... Yeah, that was stupid of me.

I cannot pretend that your anus is the anus of a man.

They're in no way similar.

-I don't know what I was thinking...

-Besides, I'm seeing someone.

Is there any chance we could forget any of this ever happened?

Mary, I am aware that my raw sexuality can be

a problem for some people.

It's landed me in many a sticky situation.

We'll talk about this next week.

Thanks, Clive.

How can Rizwan Rupar win for best side dish?

Anyone could've done fucking peas!

What about my frozen apples?!

Come on, let's get drunk.

Not until someone says the word chicken.

-Chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken.

-Shit.

I'm scared. What if we're in here all night?

-Someone will come back after the awards.

-What if they don't?

I keep thinking of everything I haven't done yet.

Like the nail appointment I had this weekend.

Or trying that new Chinese place with Shanie.

I wouldn't have minded having sex before I died.

Would be right up there at the top of the list.

Right above getting a new job, falling in love with you,

getting married and having children called Karima and Steve.

One for you and one for me, you know?

I shouldn't have said that out loud.

It's sweet. But... Seriously, you've never had sex?

Not with something that wasn't a watermelon.

I did ask permission first, if that's what you're wondering.

You're funny. I can't believe someone like you is still a virgin.

It's weird, isn't it?

To be a virgin at my age and not for religious reasons.

I mean, I have done stuff, but...

for some reason, it's never really happened.

Never gone the full enchilada.

Joe, you're sweet, you're funny and you're kind.

Girls would be lucky to have someone like you.

MUSIC PLAYS

There will now follow a short break while we re-set

the stage for the comic stylings of the Norbiton branch.

Er, we've been warned that there may be an element of strobe lighting,

but I've been informed that it's just in fact Catherine

switching off the lights and then on again, really quickly.

Thank you.

That's not a trampoline! That's my Volkswagen!

And it really was!

Oh, Shont, why have we not hung it out more often?

You and I, we've got so much in common!

Yeah! Cos we both, you know, we're both here

and we both came in a taxi and... Yeah!

Shontal. I think we should go on holiday.

I've always wanted to go scuba diving in the Galapagos.

I've always wanted you to go scuba diving in the Galapagos!

Well, you could come with me! Me and you, you and me.

Amazing!

Well, I'll book it now!

I've got me phone and me credit cards.

Oh, do it! Just fucking do it, Derek!

Oh, God, I am so drunk. I've ruined everything.

Did you see that look? He's angry.

-Nah, mate, he's giving you the sexy eyes, isn't it?

-Really?

I look at a girl like that, she knows that I'm trying to book

a meeting room, cos it's business time.

Oh. Good gosh.

Go. This is your chance to get Gary jealous.

Here I go. Here I bloody go!

And when you're done, get me some snacks!

Clive?

Gareth, er, leave us, please, I need to speak to Clive.

Mary, Clive told me what happened.

And you need to keep your hands off him.

Clive and I are together. I love him, Mary.

-What?

-What? I thought we were just doing stuff.

No. Well, yes we are. But I love you, Clive.

I'm all in.

If there was a Clive Bagshawe fan club, I would be president

and treasurer and also a member.

If that were allowed under club regulations.

Because you are brilliant.

-You two...are an item?

-I should leave.

Gareth... All this time you've been...?

Why do you think I made you wear that fireman outfit, Mary?

And that stick-on moustache? And kept making you use that deep voice?

I thought it was just role play.

I thought it was just fun and games.

Gareth, did I turn you?

Oh, Mary, I owe you a debt of gratitude.

I could've been with someone younger, more attractive,

more intelligent, and I might not have realised for ages.

You helped me make that leap. Your mediocrity gave me wings.

Oh, Gareth, there is just one more thing.

-And the winner is Mary Fawn!

-That's me!

Come up with me!

Everything in my life has always been about work.

And there was a time about ten minutes ago,

when this would've meant the world to me.

To be most improved.

But all I know is that I have given my life to my restaurant.

And I've gotten nothing in return.

Because work cannot fill the hole in your heart.

You can't wake up in the morning to a nice career.

You can't take your career ice skating.

You can't take your career on a picnic.

You can't take your career for brunch with the papers. You can't...

What else can't you do with your career?

We're not actually doing speeches.

You can't have your hair stroked by your career!

There's more to life than just the four walls of the restaurant.

Please, live your life.

LIVE IT!

LIVE IT!

MUSIC PLAYS

D'you want to hear something embarrassing?

I'm a virgin, too.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-How?

Like you, never happened for some reason.

Never felt like the right person.

That's why Trey really broke up with me.

That's why he slept with someone else.

God, I've never told anyone that.

I suppose it doesn't matter now if we're going to freeze to death.

If we're going to freeze to death,

maybe we should try not to die virgins.

-Hey, hey, hey, lovebirds!

-Ed, you absolute shithead.

-You're welcome.

-Go away and lock us in again.

-What?

You can let go of me now, Joe.

Joe?

I thought you two needed some time to work it out, innit?

And listen, you're going to have amazing babies.

As long as they look like you and think like him.

Cos if they look like you, and think like you,

Then my advice is to leave it on a mountain.

That's Chinese peasant style, that is. Respect.

-Good to be warm.

-Yeah.

So, do you want to get a drink or something?

What happened in there, I was cold and scared.

-I wasn't thinking.

-I love you!

Thoughts?

It's weird. I feel like our relationship's changed.

It's like it's moved on to another level.

-I do love you, Joe.

-Yes!

-As a friend.

-Shit!

Oh, hi, Joe! Oh, I thought everyone would've gone home.

I was stuck in the freezer.

Oh, no! Did the emergency door release not work?

Emergency door release?

Uh, no. No, it didn't.

Out of interest, where is the emergency door release?

Well, it's by the door, behind the frozen apples.

Should have gone with bloody peas though, right?

Right. Er, how was the thing?

We won.

Yay, us.

Where did you get that from?

Underneath the counter.

Didn't you see? You were looking right at me when I did it.

Never mind... I could use one.

To us.

Are we going to talk about last night?

-Derek.

-We shared something, you and I.

We were drunk, it should never have happened.

But it did. We can't undo what's been done, because it's been done.

We're going on a three-week scuba diving holiday to the Galapagos,

cos there's a very hefty cancellation fee.

Don't forget your flippers!

Morning, snugglebunny.

Uh... What?

I made you some breakfast.

I thought you'd need to get your strength back after last night.

-Last night. When we...?

-Three times.

Oh, my word, Joe.

If only you displayed that sort of enthusiasm at work!

-Oh, God.

-Come on, then, eat up.

Cos we'll need to be in work soon.

Although it doesn't matter if you're late,

because the boss' boyfriend gets special privileges.

As well as free nuggets...

I really need to get a new job.