Election Special Gary: Tank Commander


Election Special

The sitcom character talks to Nicola Sturgeon, Kezia Dugdale, Ruth Davidson, Willie Rennie, Patrick Harvie and David Coburn.


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Transcript


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GARY: Who ARE we as a nation?

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I am Gary.

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I'm a soldier - a hero,

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recently injured after an undercover operation in North Korea

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went horribly, horribly wrong.

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That Kim Jong-un is a bad yin and nae mistake.

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But on my return, now convalescing, it gave me time to think.

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What about our radge leaders?

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Who are they?

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No, but I mean, actually, who are they?

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Who are the main folk, the parties,

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the politicians, the policies?

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I realised I didnae ken any of them.

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Then when someone telt me there was no election coming up,

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I was like, "Why did I no ken about this?

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"Why was this being hidden fae me?"

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It turns out I had a new mission -

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to find out what the leaders of the main political parties in Scotland

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were all about.

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And I wasnae shy about asking the tough questions.

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And they were scared.

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I'm the first Minister of Scotland and I'm totally terrified right now.

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'But they also let me ken what they liked.'

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-I like pirates.

-Do you? I like dinosaurs.

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-'And what they didnae.'

-I'm not a big fan of Willie.

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Sorry?

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'They laughed...'

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Some of them were even honest.

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Well, they say I'm a bam, but I'm the bams' bam.

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'And one of them laid his healing hands on me.'

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By the power of the Lib Dems.

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I'm healed!

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Welcome to Gary: Tank Commander's Election Special.

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Hello, Domino's Pizza main delivery service.

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You're speaking to Johan.

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No, Dad, it's me, Gary.

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KNOCKING Come in!

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I'll speak you in a bit, cheers. See you later. Bye, bye, bye, bye.

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-Hiya.

-How are you doing, Gary?

-Are you all right?

-Nice to meet you.

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-How's the leg?

-It's no bad, thankfully. I cannae get up.

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So usually you would be a gentleman and you would stand up when I came into the room.

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I would, aye. But you would ken what happened to my leg

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because you've read the security notes about my...

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I was undercover. You will have read that.

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I'm not allowed to speak about it.

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You cannae, but we can speak about it before we get involved.

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-Listen, this place is nice, eh?

-It's very posh.

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-The sandwiches are £10.

-Where's mine?

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-This is the BBC, we cannae afford that.

-Did you eat my sandwich as well as your own?

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What are you trying to say? Listen, we've got stuff to get to. We don't have that long...

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cos you're a wee bit late. But, listen...

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So, for folk watching this,

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that, a bit like myself, don't really ken who you are.

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Why don't you tell us who you are and what you do?

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I'm Nicola. I am 45, I know I don't look it,

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-I'm the leader of the SNP.

-Right.

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-I'm the First Minister of Scotland.

-Right.

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-And I'm totally terrified right now.

-You cannae be.

-I am.

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-You're no.

-I'm a wee bit like being on a first date with a guy

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-that you just know is way out of your league.

-Right.

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-And which party is it you represent?

-I'm the UKIP man.

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-You're the UKIP man?

-The one they all love to hate.

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The one they all love to hate. Is that your slogan?

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No, "Shake up Holyrood" is our slogan. But that's pretty good.

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Aye, PRETTY good. Is that what you are aiming for?

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Shake up Holyrood? Yeah.

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We're going to have a lot of fun.

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I knew I wanted to join the Army when I was 13

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when I accidentally shot a pal of mine in the balls with an air gun.

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He's fine now, right, so dinnae worry about that.

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Davie P. Sorry about that, big man.

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Where were you when you realised that you should be an MP?

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-I was watching Trisha on a couch.

-Are you serious?

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-Yeah, it's true, I've said that before.

-Honestly?

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This is my favourite start to a story I've ever heard.

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Willie Rennie.

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Willie Rennie.

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Will he, won't he? Willie Rennie.

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I keep saying Willie Rennie because Willie Rennie is a great name.

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It's like a fun name. "Oh, who's coming down tonight?"

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Willie Rennie is.

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-Are you a fun person?

-I like to have a laugh.

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I want you to relax, dinnae try to be too intimidated,

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-ken what I mean? Just be yourself.

-You are a handsome man.

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I am handsome man. That is often intimidating for many folk.

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-It can be quite intimidating.

-It can be, but don't worry about that.

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Just concentrate on your answers, because obviously

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it's all about, ken, your answers

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cos you're wanting votes and votes mean...?

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-Prizes.

-Do they?

-No.

-Right.

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Tell me the main things about the Green Party,

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what are your main things?

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We want a world that looks after the long-term future of the planet,

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creates jobs and houses that the country needs

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and makes a more equal society as well.

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So you're talking about the world, not just Scotland.

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Yeah, we're part of a global movement.

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Like Spectre in James Bond? Like that kind of thing?

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-Kind of like a global...

-It's not EXACTLY like Spectre.

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But like Spectre, but like with recycling.

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Give me something like, "Ruth Davidson, have you seen what she's doing?

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"She cannae do that...she is!"

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Free green Fruit Pastilles for everyone, is that what you're after?

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Aye! That's exactly the kind of thing.

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Free green Fruit Pastilles for everyone.

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I'm thinking water parks, maybe changing Grangemouth

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-into a water park with flumes to Bathgate. I'm talking massive.

-Flumes to Bathgate?

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Aye, I'm talking like something that folk go, "She cannae do that? She is doing that!"

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OK. That's a good idea,

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and we like all of our policies to have serious economic benefit.

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It depends what you charge.

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-What are you thinking?

-We'd have to keep it affordable.

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We can't have a situation where only rich people can use the flumes.

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And they're the worst.

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The SNP is all about equality, so basically I'd want access

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to the flumes to be affordable for people on the living wage.

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Cos posh people would push in and their wee posh kids

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would do everyone's heids in, wouldn't they?

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You ken that's true. Ken posh people have massive heids?

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Scotland is famed for its bams.

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-PATRICK LAUGHS

-It's a world leader.

-They are.

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How are you going to appeal to them at this election?

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The bam vote. You think that's a big vote?

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We all ken bams, but a lot of them, cos they're so bammy,

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you'll speak to them and they'll be like, "How are you getting on?

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"How's your sister getting on?" Stab.

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And you're like, "Oh, that's wrong."

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How do you get that part of society involved in the political arena?

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Most parties will pay attention to the interests of the people

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that they know do vote and that's why, for example,

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young people get a raw deal because most parties

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think young people aren't going to turn out to vote.

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Young people quite often ask the toughest questions.

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But they're annoying, eh? They're quite annoying.

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I think the bams WANT someone to represent them.

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-"UKIP like Poundland - David Coburn, the bams' bam."

-The bams' bam.

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-Look at all the posters you could have.

-I know, it's wonderful.

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I don't know why I pay a press officer. I've got myself.

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-I've got you, maybe you could...

-No. DAVID LAUGHS

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Once you get out of the Army, of course.

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What's your worst policy and why?

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We raised the age at which you are allowed to use sunbeds.

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To what?

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-I think it was 18.

-Have you honestly?

-I think we did, yeah.

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-We're also trying to make alcohol more expensive.

-I seen that.

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But no Baileys? Surely there's an exemption.

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Tell me today there's an exemption on Baileys.

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What's your worst policy and why?

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I just... I'm not allowed to tell.

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-You dinnae have one policy that you're not that sure of?

-Nah.

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-Cos Nicola Sturgeon...

-What did she say?

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-She said she wasnae sure about independence.

-Did she?

-Aye.

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I don't think you're quite telling the truth.

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So, next question, independence,

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the SNP obviously want independence, where do you stand on independence?

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No, absolutely not. I think that Scotland

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helped build the United Kingdom, we are part of it,

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we have ownership of it, we're better off being part of it

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and they're better off having us in it...

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Do you know what, this is going to go on.

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Give me it in 23 words, or less, go.

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It's the best way to pool

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and share resources of the whole of the country.

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We get more money, we're better off

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-because we're part of the United Kingdom.

-That's 19.

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And that's a good...thing.

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Saved.

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SNP want Scotland to be independent, right? We ken that you don't, right?

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But can you say in under 23 words

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why Scotland shouldn't be independent?

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Apart from the fact that you'd get Alex Salmond as the president -

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-that's pretty horrible. But speaking of which...

-That's you.

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Right, you and the SNP are agreed that

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you want independence for Scotland. Tell me in under 23 words why.

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We need a change of economic direction.

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We can't afford to run the same kind of economic policies

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that Westminster has been forcing on Scotland

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if we want a fairer, more equal society.

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-I think that was 26.

-Were you counting that fast?

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I'm really clever. I am.

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-23 words, go.

-Let's get the tape.

-23 words, Willie.

-23 precisely?

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-23 words.

-I've used up six, already.

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So, sharing risk and reward with the UK.

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That's one word.

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Bigger place in the world.

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-You've got three.

-What are we at now? Are we at 11? Is that 20?

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-No, you've got three words.

-Three?

-Yeah, and now you've got two.

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Er...

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-"Er" is one.

-Because it's great.

-Right, you've ruined that.

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We're going to edit out me asking you in 23 words

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and we'll just have you speaking like that for the whole thing.

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It'll be brilliant.

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SNP, as you've said, want Scotland to be independent.

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Tell me in less than 23 words

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-why Scotland should be independent.

-It's a bit like...

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You know how sometimes you want Cheesey Pasta

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-and your da will no make it for you?

-Aye.

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Well, if you were independent, you could decide for yourself

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when you had Cheesey Pasta. It's being in charge of yourself.

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-About making...

-Sorry to stop you, I'm actually starving,

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could somebody get me some Cheesey Pasta?

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You've already displayed that you're not really answering

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that many questions, you're quite guarded. Do you think that's

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a problem? That the electorate want answers but you won't give them?

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-Would you say you avoid questions?

-Have you seen the peacocks outside?

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-The peacocks are really nice.

-They are, eh?

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And see the garden, that's the best-cut grass I've ever seen.

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-I love this place.

-I think there is someone with a pair of scissors

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-that's cutting the grass.

-Do you ken how much a sandwich is? It's £10.

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I bet you've never seen a sandwich at £10.

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-See, now we're talking about sandwiches.

-Aye.

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I've seen what you've done there! Oh, my God, you're like Dynamo.

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-I know.

-Do you avoid questions yourself?

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That's a very good question. Now let me ask you a question.

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Right, I see what you're doing there. Next question.

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-Do you avoid questions?

-I don't know what you're talking about.

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I'll come back to that later.

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So you're avoiding it, because you ken I'm going to ask you...

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If you weren't going to vote for the SNP, who else would you vote for?

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That's a difficult one because

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-I can't imagine life without the SNP.

-You're avoiding the question.

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-Life without the SNP would not be worth living.

-It wouldn't be worth living?

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-Could you imagine a world without the SNP?

-Are you threatening me?!

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-I said MY life wouldn't be worth living!

-I thought I just got threatened off the First Minister.

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You're in the Army! You could probably kill me with just one look.

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In your opinion, who has got the shannest chat across the parties?

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I'm pretty sure that there's some politicians out there

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-with shan chat.

-But you're not willing to name them.

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-I don't think I want to name and shame the shan.

-No shamey shans.

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-No shamey shans.

-Ruth Davidson wouldnae shamey shans.

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Ne pas de shamey shan.

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-Ne pas de shamey shan?

-Ne pas de shamey shan.

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-Old people in Scotland get a free bus pass, right?

-Yep.

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So why are they still so moany?

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I think the older you are,

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the more rights you have to be a bit moany.

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They're probably pretty annoyed that they can't get a bus

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a lot of the time.

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The bus you get on,

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you're guaranteed to be met with a sea full of bams as well.

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-It's a nightmare.

-Maybe not in the morning

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if you're using your bus pass.

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Well, I'm up early as well, but it's very different from me,

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I'm a professional.

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Old people in Scotland get a bus pass,

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but they're still moany, why is that?

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-I don't think they are.

-Do you not?

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Well, I tell a lie,

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because I've just come from meeting some old people,

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lovely old people and they weren't moany at all -

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except when I beat them at bowls.

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-Did you beat them at bowls?

-I beat them at bowls, aye.

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What a high-octane lifestyle you've got, Nicola.

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Old people in Scotland get a free bus pass -

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why are they still so moany, do you think?

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You're calling half of them bams

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and now the rest are moaning too much?

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-I didnae call old people bams.

-You did.

-No, I didnae specify.

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Did you not age-specify?

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No. You're flipping everything on its head, Willie.

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You're a magician of words and...images. You're full of it.

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-Full of what? What are you accusing me of now?

-Nothing.

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This is a very aggressive interview.

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It's not! You're just being quite shifty. This is...

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-I never thought this would be as baffling.

-Would you?

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Your an enigma wrapped in a jigsaw, do you ken what I mean?

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So let's go onto welfare.

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A few of my pals are addicted to daytime TV

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and they cannae get out of the house.

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What would you do to make Homes Under The Hammer less addictive?

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It is quite addictive, isn't it?

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This is the problem.

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It's no Jeremy Kyle, but it's maybe a gateway drug to Jeremy Kyle.

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I would encourage them to turn over to the Parliament Channel

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and that will get them out of the house pretty quickly.

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-Have you watched Storage Hunters?

-Aye, it's amazing.

-It's brilliant.

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-It's brilliant, isn't it?

-Fantastic programme.

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Is that why you don't get a lot of your stuff done?

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-Is that because you're watching Storage Hunters?

-The best programme.

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Isn't it? What an insight.

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Storage Hunters, honestly, that's the answer to the problem

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of Homes Under The Hammer - get then to watch Storage Hunters.

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They won't be addicted any more.

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What I like about that is

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other people have kind of got it

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that they want their political parties

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to get people out back into work.

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You're not - you'll tell them to watch a better programme.

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-But you've seen Storage Hunters, right?

-I have,

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you don't need to convince me! It's my pals that won't leave the house.

0:14:140:14:17

I'm surprised everybody isn't watching it.

0:14:170:14:19

Let's get onto tax, because that's always interesting.

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You want students to pay more money for their education, is that right?

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We want some people, once they've graduated

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and once they're in a job and earning £20,000 a year,

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to pay back a little bit of what it cost to get their degree.

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Cos we know that when you have a degree,

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you'll earn over your lifetime, on average, £100,000 more.

0:14:360:14:40

OK, I think that is actually a really good idea.

0:14:400:14:43

Have you thought about introducing that at primary school level?

0:14:430:14:45

Tax.

0:14:450:14:47

-The SNP want a 45p tax rate.

-Yep.

-Labour want a 50p tax rate.

0:14:470:14:53

Yeah, it's exciting, isn't it?

0:14:530:14:55

The Green Party have gone for 60p. Why didn't you do 70p

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or why didn't you do something, like, bigger or bolder?

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That's what I'm on about. Like, do something mental like 5p.

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So, we've got plans to use the tax powers a number of different ways.

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And the amount of money we'll raise when you pool all that cash together

0:15:080:15:11

is actually more than the Greens - it's about £1.1, £1.2 billion a year

0:15:110:15:16

-of extra money that we can spend on public services.

-So more trams?

0:15:160:15:20

No, we're not arguing to spend that money on trams,

0:15:200:15:22

we're arguing to spend it on schools and public services.

0:15:220:15:25

Water parks.

0:15:250:15:26

Might be able to squeeze out that water park for Grangemouth.

0:15:260:15:29

Brilliant. We've got that. Water park for Grangemouth!

0:15:290:15:32

I'll see you in the summer! Yas!

0:15:320:15:33

"Where are you going?" "Grangemouth Water Park! Cannae wait!"

0:15:330:15:36

"Where do the flumes get to?" "Bathgate!"

0:15:360:15:38

-Talking about tax...

-Do we have to?

-Aye! Obviously!

0:15:380:15:42

Now, what is this 45p all about? It doesn't sound like you

0:15:420:15:45

could do a lot with that. I mean, I've got that on me now.

0:15:450:15:50

It's 45p in every pound you earn.

0:15:500:15:52

If you earn over a certain amount of money.

0:15:520:15:55

Is that because 45% of people voted for you at the election?

0:15:550:15:58

Eh, it's not, actually, but now you mention it,

0:15:580:16:01

there may be some subconscious thing happening there.

0:16:010:16:03

-I like pirates.

-Do you?

0:16:030:16:05

-I like dinosaurs.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

-What do you like about dinosaurs?

0:16:050:16:09

I like how big they are.

0:16:090:16:11

I like that they come in all different shapes and sizes,

0:16:110:16:14

so you've got Tyrannosaurus Rex with big back legs and tiny wee arms,

0:16:140:16:18

but you also have a Triceratops that's got three horns on its head.

0:16:180:16:22

-That's amazing. Do you talk about this in your job?

-Not often.

0:16:220:16:25

-But I feel I can open up to you, Gary.

-You can.

-Thank you.

0:16:250:16:28

I think it's good that you learn things about people.

0:16:280:16:32

What does David Cameron like?

0:16:320:16:33

Do you know what, I haven't asked about his favourite dinosaur, but next time I see him,

0:16:330:16:37

-do you want me to ask for you?

-Mm...nah.

0:16:370:16:38

-Or do you want me to ask his favourite pirate?

-I do.

0:16:380:16:41

I like Gordon Brown. Gordon Brown used to remind me of a pirate.

0:16:410:16:44

-Right. Be very careful here.

-How?

0:16:440:16:47

No, where are you going with this?

0:16:470:16:49

Cos a pal of mine said he had a wooden leg,

0:16:490:16:51

but when he used to do that thing where he would swallow a wee bit

0:16:510:16:54

when he spoke, I thought he was trying to stop himself

0:16:540:16:56

from saying "Arrr!", like a pirate.

0:16:560:16:58

I don't know whether he was swallowing an "Arrr!",

0:16:580:17:00

-he might have been.

-But think how much fun Parliament

0:17:000:17:03

would have been if he'd kept going "Arrr!" I would've voted for him.

0:17:030:17:06

Yeah, I'll bet you would have.

0:17:060:17:07

Is there treasure in the Treasury?

0:17:070:17:09

Not since the Labour Party were there. They left a wee note saying,

0:17:090:17:12

"There's no money in the Treasury"!

0:17:120:17:14

Did they steal money from the Treasury?

0:17:140:17:16

-Don't know - they seemed to spend an awful lot of it.

-Right!

0:17:160:17:19

They don't seem to be very good at making money for the country,

0:17:190:17:22

but Tony Blair seemed to make a lot of money for himself,

0:17:220:17:25

he's done awfully well.

0:17:250:17:26

-He's done well, Tony.

-He should have stuck to doing...

0:17:260:17:28

I like Tony Blair, because he was a radge but he had a...

0:17:280:17:31

Ken, he was quite confident with it.

0:17:310:17:33

-Oh, yeah.

-Ken that way?

0:17:330:17:35

Anyway, my ankle has been killing me for weeks,

0:17:350:17:39

until Willie Rennie put his hands on it and screamed

0:17:390:17:42

"By the power of the Lib Dems!" and temporarily healed it.

0:17:420:17:45

Right?

0:17:450:17:47

That's true! What makes you better than the healing hands

0:17:470:17:49

of Willie Rennie at running the NHS?

0:17:490:17:51

I don't want to big myself up but I've got some quite healing hands

0:17:530:17:56

as well, I can do the odd massage here and there,

0:17:560:17:58

reduce all the tension in your shoulders for you,

0:17:580:18:01

you can drop them a little bit.

0:18:010:18:02

-I'm getting more tense!

-I bet you are!

0:18:020:18:06

What makes you better than the healing hands of Willie Rennie

0:18:060:18:09

to run the NHS?

0:18:090:18:10

I'm not a big fan of Willie.

0:18:100:18:12

Sorry?

0:18:120:18:13

Sorry?!

0:18:130:18:14

So I'm not sure I would look to him for ideas on how to fix the NHS.

0:18:160:18:19

Right, OK, that's an interesting response!

0:18:190:18:22

I want to tell you something, and this is true,

0:18:220:18:25

I've said this to all the other folk I've interviewed today,

0:18:250:18:27

I've been telling them that you put your healing hands on my ankle

0:18:270:18:32

and shouted "By the power of the Lib Dems!" and it temporarily healed me.

0:18:320:18:36

-Did you?

-Aye.

-"By the power of the Lib Dems,"

0:18:360:18:39

-was that the crucial words?

-It is.

0:18:390:18:40

And if you do that, and then I'll stand up...

0:18:400:18:43

So if you just go, would you just shout...

0:18:430:18:46

-Just say, "By the power of the Lib Dems!"

-Right.

0:18:460:18:50

-And is it both sides?

-Don't do it too hard, though, seriously.

0:18:500:18:53

Do it both sides. Then go, "By the power of the Lib Dems."

0:18:530:18:56

By the power of the Lib Dems!

0:18:560:18:58

I'm healed!

0:18:590:19:01

-That was brilliant.

-Thanks.

-Alternative profession.

0:19:020:19:05

-Your Cheesey Pasta hasn't arrived.

-No, it hasn't.

0:19:050:19:07

Honest, the folk I'm working with! Seriously!

0:19:070:19:10

So where do you stand on climate change?

0:19:120:19:14

I'll tell you where I stand - in the sun.

0:19:140:19:17

Me too, I quite like the sun.

0:19:170:19:18

So you are pro-climate change?

0:19:180:19:20

I am pro the sun, that's the big shiny thing in the sky.

0:19:200:19:23

I ken what that is! But that's the thing.

0:19:230:19:26

Climate change would make Scotland, like, a tourist hotspot.

0:19:260:19:29

-That is wishful thinking.

-How is that wishful thinking?

0:19:290:19:32

I think we should be worried about climate change

0:19:320:19:35

-and do a lot more to reduce the energy we consume.

-Do you genuinely?

0:19:350:19:39

-I do.

-Like, honestly, though? Politicians say stuff like that

0:19:390:19:42

and I hear it, I think, "You don't really believe that."

0:19:420:19:46

-Like, have you got a big TV?

-About 42 inches.

0:19:460:19:49

There you go! That will take up loads of energy!

0:19:490:19:51

If you told me "I've got a six-inch TV

0:19:510:19:53

"and it's black and white", I'd believe you!

0:19:530:19:55

I walk to my work, so that's OK, isn't it? That offsets things...

0:19:550:19:58

Where do you stay?

0:19:580:19:59

-I live in Lochend.

-You dinnae live in Lochend!

-I do!

0:19:590:20:02

-I ken bams that live in Lochend.

-So do I!

-Lochend's rough as...

0:20:020:20:04

It is!

0:20:040:20:06

It is! I cannae believe you live in Lochend.

0:20:060:20:10

So you'd probably prefer if climate change got Scotland hotter?

0:20:100:20:13

Because I actually want it to get hotter.

0:20:130:20:16

-Well, it wouldn't be bad - Costa Del Arbroath would be nice.

-Wouldn't it?

0:20:160:20:22

So climate change would help the country?

0:20:220:20:24

Certainly make Scotland more attractive.

0:20:240:20:26

This is what I'm talking about, I'm talking about more sunshine!

0:20:260:20:30

Absolutely. God Almighty, what's wrong with that?

0:20:300:20:32

-Nothing wrong with that.

-All these scientists,

0:20:320:20:34

the majority of them are by no means omniscient...

0:20:340:20:36

-They're not what?

-Omniscient. It's a big word.

0:20:360:20:39

It means they don't know everything.

0:20:390:20:41

Just say that next time.

0:20:410:20:43

Sorry, I'll be clearer.

0:20:430:20:45

-I just spoke to David...Coburn.

-I know you did.

0:20:450:20:49

Are you seeing an overlap with the bam vote there at all?

0:20:490:20:52

-Right.

-Is that maybe where he's at?

0:20:520:20:54

Well, he might be. In fact he did say his party

0:20:540:20:56

-were the party for bams.

-Well, there you go!

0:20:560:20:58

I'm not joking, he did say that, wait till you see it.

0:20:580:21:00

The guy is a legend in some ways, but also worrying in others.

0:21:000:21:03

A lot of them still deny the existence of climate change.

0:21:030:21:07

-That's going to put lives at risk.

-We had a good chat about that,

0:21:070:21:10

because we were both agreed it would be better if the world got hotter.

0:21:100:21:13

Sorry, no. If it gets warmer, there will be more rain in Scotland,

0:21:130:21:17

-that'll be the downside.

-Not if it gets so hot

0:21:170:21:19

that we burn the clouds away. Like when you're on holiday.

0:21:190:21:23

You know when you go, "Oh, yas! It's burnt that cloud away!"

0:21:230:21:26

I'll be honest with you, the only thing I really worry about

0:21:260:21:30

with climate change is that the polar ice caps will melt,

0:21:300:21:33

that's a danger, and a polar bear stayed on one of the ice caps,

0:21:330:21:37

-and floated to Dalgety Bay.

-All the way?

-All the way.

0:21:370:21:40

And then I'm there having an ice cream, and the polar bear sees me

0:21:400:21:44

with an ice cream and is hungry

0:21:440:21:46

because it's been floating across the sea,

0:21:460:21:48

but it also misses home,

0:21:480:21:50

and then it attacks me. That's what I'm worried about.

0:21:500:21:53

I worry about that as well, now that you've put it into my mind.

0:21:530:21:56

-So it is a danger?

-I think that's a very real danger,

0:21:560:21:59

so we'll think about the whole climate change thing

0:21:590:22:02

in light of that.

0:22:020:22:03

What will you do if Donald Trump gets into power,

0:22:030:22:05

will you deal with him or dingy him?

0:22:050:22:07

Deal with him or dingy him? Deal with him or dingy him?

0:22:070:22:09

I think America will dingy him before I do.

0:22:090:22:11

-Dingy.

-Would you?

-Categoric dingy.

0:22:110:22:14

Yeah, I've said that already on the telly, the guy's an arse.

0:22:140:22:17

Would you pick up the phone and he'd say stuff

0:22:170:22:20

-and you'd refuse to speak to him?

-Like, cheerie-bye.

0:22:200:22:22

I would dingy him.

0:22:220:22:24

Even though he's in charge of America.

0:22:240:22:26

You would still dingy him? If he rung you up and said,

0:22:260:22:28

"Willie, do you want to go for a jog up a hill?"

0:22:280:22:30

I don't think he could manage it, but yeah.

0:22:300:22:32

-I'd like to dingy him BEFORE he got into power.

-Would you?

0:22:320:22:35

And I don't believe that he will

0:22:350:22:37

ever be President of the United States,

0:22:370:22:39

I have too much faith in the wisdom of crowds -

0:22:390:22:41

I don't think the Americans will ever elect him president.

0:22:410:22:43

But would you have to deal with him?

0:22:430:22:45

What do you think of his hair? Do you like his hair?

0:22:450:22:48

I think... It reminds me of Dougie Donnelly.

0:22:480:22:50

Funny thing is, the day he came to the Scottish Parliament,

0:22:530:22:56

the canteen had this dessert with a kind of wavy whipped cream thing

0:22:560:23:00

-on the top and it looked exactly like him.

-How bizarre!

0:23:000:23:03

I wonder if the chef knew him.

0:23:030:23:05

Anyway, we better get back to the main questions. Trident. Right.

0:23:070:23:11

With bams like Putin, Trump, Kimmy Young'un - North Korea -

0:23:130:23:17

nuclear square go is just around the corner, I think.

0:23:170:23:21

So where's your standpoint on Trident, do we need it?

0:23:210:23:24

I think with as many bampots as that,

0:23:240:23:26

-we'd better have some of our own.

-Right.

-Missiles, not bampots.

0:23:260:23:29

How much money do you think you'd save if you got rid of Trident?

0:23:290:23:32

Well, it's certainly tens of billions, potentially £100 billion.

0:23:320:23:37

Would you spend that on more trams?

0:23:370:23:39

Could we pimp up the submarines,

0:23:410:23:43

and make them into a new tram system

0:23:430:23:46

and call it Tramdent? And then people would get jobs.

0:23:460:23:49

Do you think people would want to get on that to get to work?

0:23:490:23:52

I would, because if it was really wet, you'd be all right.

0:23:520:23:55

You wouldn't even be able to look out of the window.

0:23:560:23:59

-No, but...

-How would you know when you're at your right stop?

0:23:590:24:02

You'd ask to go and look out the periscope. Next question.

0:24:020:24:05

What about world relations -

0:24:060:24:08

are you worried about North Korea or are you not bothered?

0:24:080:24:11

Kim Jong-un is...a concern for him, the poor man.

0:24:110:24:15

Obviously, his personal groomer has a sense of humour.

0:24:150:24:19

You know that you say stuff and a lot of it rhymes? It's amazing.

0:24:190:24:21

-I don't know how you manage it.

-Och, I'm just a poet.

0:24:210:24:24

-Are you worried about North Korea?

-I am worried about North Korea.

0:24:240:24:27

I'm also worried that quite often online,

0:24:270:24:30

-I get compared to Kim Jong-un.

-Are you serious?

0:24:300:24:32

I get slagged for it quite often,

0:24:320:24:34

because I'm chubby and have short dark hair, that appears to be it.

0:24:340:24:38

But, yeah, I get quite a lot of people with little Yes twibbons

0:24:380:24:41

-on their Twitter site...

-That isn't why I asked you that.

-That's OK.

0:24:410:24:45

I'll change his bowl so he doesn't have so bad a hairdo.

0:24:450:24:48

How about that for a starting point?

0:24:480:24:49

You would get so much trouble with North Korea if you said that to him.

0:24:490:24:52

-If I tried to touch it?

-If you tried to touch it, he'd go radge.

0:24:520:24:55

But if you tried to change his bowl...

0:24:550:24:58

Imagine you tried to change his bowl!

0:24:580:25:00

-That's how you get long-term change.

-By changing his haircut?

0:25:000:25:03

-Yeah!

-It is.

0:25:030:25:04

If you were going to team up with someone else

0:25:040:25:06

if the world was all going to come to blows, who would it be?

0:25:060:25:10

I think...

0:25:100:25:11

-I think Bermuda.

-Bermuda?

0:25:130:25:15

Bermuda is like... I would go for the Prime Minister of Bermuda.

0:25:150:25:18

Really?

0:25:180:25:20

-Cos I could wear those great shorts.

-And you and him would hang out?

0:25:200:25:23

You could be my advisor.

0:25:230:25:25

You know what, there are so many job offers today,

0:25:250:25:27

-you wouldn't believe it!

-Water Park chief.

0:25:270:25:30

Water Park chief and international conflict advisor.

0:25:300:25:33

-Gary McLintock.

-You're made.

0:25:330:25:36

OK, we're on to our final wee section of quickfire questions.

0:25:360:25:38

-Oh, no.

-Is that all right? Right.

0:25:380:25:40

Cheesey Pasta or pasta in a cheese sauce?

0:25:400:25:43

-Cheesey Pasta.

-Cheesey Pasta.

-Cheesey Pasta.

0:25:430:25:45

Oh, yas. Chips or potatoes?

0:25:450:25:48

-Chips.

-Chips.

-Chips.

-Potatoes.

0:25:480:25:51

-Career goal?

-Huh?

-Career goal.

0:25:530:25:56

Prime Minister.

0:25:560:25:57

-This month? Becoming leader of the opposition.

-Proudest moment?

0:25:570:26:01

-Becoming First Minister.

-Who's Second Minister?

-John Swinney.

0:26:010:26:04

Never heard of him. Have you ever been to Magaluf?

0:26:040:26:07

No.

0:26:070:26:09

-So that wasn't you I spoke to last summer?

-No.

0:26:090:26:11

Have you got a favourite joke?

0:26:110:26:13

-Favourite joke...David Coburn.

-Meow!

0:26:130:26:17

Patrick Harvie.

0:26:170:26:18

His manifesto is a complete joke from beginning to end,

0:26:180:26:21

-and he won't speak to me at all, won't shake my hand.

-Really?

-Grim.

0:26:210:26:25

-How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

-Don't know.

0:26:250:26:29

Poke 'er face.

0:26:290:26:30

-That's really good! Do you want to hear my favourite joke?

-Yeah.

0:26:300:26:34

What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in the garden?

0:26:340:26:36

You rooty-toot-toot!

0:26:360:26:38

Biggest regret?

0:26:410:26:42

I've probably not had it yet.

0:26:420:26:44

This interview.

0:26:440:26:46

Why are you pointing at me?

0:26:460:26:48

I'm not! Just a tic I've got.

0:26:480:26:50

Your best impression of a celebrity?

0:26:500:26:53

-Oh, I'm not doing an impression.

-Can you do an impression of me?

0:26:530:26:56

-I wouldn't even try.

-Come on.

0:26:560:26:58

-Give me a "hiya".

-Nuh. I've already healed your leg,

0:26:580:27:00

what more do you want?

0:27:000:27:01

-Go on.

-No.

-Go on.

-No!

0:27:010:27:04

Go on.

0:27:040:27:05

Durr-eh...

0:27:050:27:07

Hey! That was me! Brilliant!

0:27:070:27:09

-Ruth Davidson, thank you very much.

-Thank you.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

0:27:090:27:13

-Have you got any questions for me?

-No, I'm fine, thanks.

-OK.

0:27:130:27:17

That was really good.

0:27:170:27:19

-That's possibly the oddest interview I've ever done in my life.

-Is it?

0:27:190:27:23

I thought it was quite hard-hitting.

0:27:230:27:24

-If you could just send the next person in.

-Oh, I know who that is.

0:27:240:27:28

-Who is it?

-I'm not telling you, it's a surprise.

-Thank you.

-Bye.

0:27:280:27:32

I'll see you later.

0:27:370:27:38

Oh, my God. It's outside.

0:27:400:27:42

Hello?

0:27:460:27:48

Hiya!

0:27:480:27:49

So I've come to the end of my mission.

0:27:520:27:57

To find out what the politicians are all about.

0:27:570:28:01

And what ARE they all about?

0:28:010:28:03

Well, I found out they're actually quite weird,

0:28:030:28:07

but weird in a good way, ken that way,

0:28:070:28:09

because a lot of folk think that they're just, like, fake

0:28:090:28:12

and can't be trusted and that they don't write their own things,

0:28:120:28:16

and they're effectively playing a character.

0:28:160:28:18

But I never found that.

0:28:200:28:21

I thought they were just like, ken, real live people?

0:28:210:28:26

Just as real as me!

0:28:280:28:30

'Scuse...

0:28:400:28:41

'Scuse me.

0:28:410:28:42

Just cannae...

0:28:450:28:47

Excuse me...

0:28:470:28:48

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