The sitcom character talks to Nicola Sturgeon, Kezia Dugdale, Ruth Davidson, Willie Rennie, Patrick Harvie and David Coburn.
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GARY: Who ARE we as a nation?
I am Gary.
I'm a soldier - a hero,
recently injured after an undercover operation in North Korea
went horribly, horribly wrong.
That Kim Jong-un is a bad yin and nae mistake.
But on my return, now convalescing, it gave me time to think.
What about our radge leaders?
Who are they?
No, but I mean, actually, who are they?
Who are the main folk, the parties,
the politicians, the policies?
I realised I didnae ken any of them.
Then when someone telt me there was no election coming up,
I was like, "Why did I no ken about this?
"Why was this being hidden fae me?"
It turns out I had a new mission -
to find out what the leaders of the main political parties in Scotland
were all about.
And I wasnae shy about asking the tough questions.
And they were scared.
I'm the first Minister of Scotland and I'm totally terrified right now.
'But they also let me ken what they liked.'
-I like pirates.
-Do you? I like dinosaurs.
-'And what they didnae.'
-I'm not a big fan of Willie.
Some of them were even honest.
Well, they say I'm a bam, but I'm the bams' bam.
'And one of them laid his healing hands on me.'
By the power of the Lib Dems.
Welcome to Gary: Tank Commander's Election Special.
Hello, Domino's Pizza main delivery service.
You're speaking to Johan.
No, Dad, it's me, Gary.
KNOCKING Come in!
I'll speak you in a bit, cheers. See you later. Bye, bye, bye, bye.
-How are you doing, Gary?
-Are you all right?
-Nice to meet you.
-How's the leg?
-It's no bad, thankfully. I cannae get up.
So usually you would be a gentleman and you would stand up when I came into the room.
I would, aye. But you would ken what happened to my leg
because you've read the security notes about my...
I was undercover. You will have read that.
I'm not allowed to speak about it.
You cannae, but we can speak about it before we get involved.
-Listen, this place is nice, eh?
-It's very posh.
-The sandwiches are £10.
-This is the BBC, we cannae afford that.
-Did you eat my sandwich as well as your own?
What are you trying to say? Listen, we've got stuff to get to. We don't have that long...
cos you're a wee bit late. But, listen...
So, for folk watching this,
that, a bit like myself, don't really ken who you are.
Why don't you tell us who you are and what you do?
I'm Nicola. I am 45, I know I don't look it,
-I'm the leader of the SNP.
-I'm the First Minister of Scotland.
-And I'm totally terrified right now.
-You cannae be.
-I'm a wee bit like being on a first date with a guy
-that you just know is way out of your league.
-And which party is it you represent?
-I'm the UKIP man.
-You're the UKIP man?
-The one they all love to hate.
The one they all love to hate. Is that your slogan?
No, "Shake up Holyrood" is our slogan. But that's pretty good.
Aye, PRETTY good. Is that what you are aiming for?
Shake up Holyrood? Yeah.
We're going to have a lot of fun.
I knew I wanted to join the Army when I was 13
when I accidentally shot a pal of mine in the balls with an air gun.
He's fine now, right, so dinnae worry about that.
Davie P. Sorry about that, big man.
Where were you when you realised that you should be an MP?
-I was watching Trisha on a couch.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah, it's true, I've said that before.
This is my favourite start to a story I've ever heard.
Will he, won't he? Willie Rennie.
I keep saying Willie Rennie because Willie Rennie is a great name.
It's like a fun name. "Oh, who's coming down tonight?"
Willie Rennie is.
-Are you a fun person?
-I like to have a laugh.
I want you to relax, dinnae try to be too intimidated,
-ken what I mean? Just be yourself.
-You are a handsome man.
I am handsome man. That is often intimidating for many folk.
-It can be quite intimidating.
-It can be, but don't worry about that.
Just concentrate on your answers, because obviously
it's all about, ken, your answers
cos you're wanting votes and votes mean...?
Tell me the main things about the Green Party,
what are your main things?
We want a world that looks after the long-term future of the planet,
creates jobs and houses that the country needs
and makes a more equal society as well.
So you're talking about the world, not just Scotland.
Yeah, we're part of a global movement.
Like Spectre in James Bond? Like that kind of thing?
-Kind of like a global...
-It's not EXACTLY like Spectre.
But like Spectre, but like with recycling.
Give me something like, "Ruth Davidson, have you seen what she's doing?
"She cannae do that...she is!"
Free green Fruit Pastilles for everyone, is that what you're after?
Aye! That's exactly the kind of thing.
Free green Fruit Pastilles for everyone.
I'm thinking water parks, maybe changing Grangemouth
-into a water park with flumes to Bathgate. I'm talking massive.
-Flumes to Bathgate?
Aye, I'm talking like something that folk go, "She cannae do that? She is doing that!"
OK. That's a good idea,
and we like all of our policies to have serious economic benefit.
It depends what you charge.
-What are you thinking?
-We'd have to keep it affordable.
We can't have a situation where only rich people can use the flumes.
And they're the worst.
The SNP is all about equality, so basically I'd want access
to the flumes to be affordable for people on the living wage.
Cos posh people would push in and their wee posh kids
would do everyone's heids in, wouldn't they?
You ken that's true. Ken posh people have massive heids?
Scotland is famed for its bams.
-It's a world leader.
How are you going to appeal to them at this election?
The bam vote. You think that's a big vote?
We all ken bams, but a lot of them, cos they're so bammy,
you'll speak to them and they'll be like, "How are you getting on?
"How's your sister getting on?" Stab.
And you're like, "Oh, that's wrong."
How do you get that part of society involved in the political arena?
Most parties will pay attention to the interests of the people
that they know do vote and that's why, for example,
young people get a raw deal because most parties
think young people aren't going to turn out to vote.
Young people quite often ask the toughest questions.
But they're annoying, eh? They're quite annoying.
I think the bams WANT someone to represent them.
-"UKIP like Poundland - David Coburn, the bams' bam."
-The bams' bam.
-Look at all the posters you could have.
-I know, it's wonderful.
I don't know why I pay a press officer. I've got myself.
-I've got you, maybe you could...
-No. DAVID LAUGHS
Once you get out of the Army, of course.
What's your worst policy and why?
We raised the age at which you are allowed to use sunbeds.
-I think it was 18.
-Have you honestly?
-I think we did, yeah.
-We're also trying to make alcohol more expensive.
-I seen that.
But no Baileys? Surely there's an exemption.
Tell me today there's an exemption on Baileys.
What's your worst policy and why?
I just... I'm not allowed to tell.
-You dinnae have one policy that you're not that sure of?
-Cos Nicola Sturgeon...
-What did she say?
-She said she wasnae sure about independence.
I don't think you're quite telling the truth.
So, next question, independence,
the SNP obviously want independence, where do you stand on independence?
No, absolutely not. I think that Scotland
helped build the United Kingdom, we are part of it,
we have ownership of it, we're better off being part of it
and they're better off having us in it...
Do you know what, this is going to go on.
Give me it in 23 words, or less, go.
It's the best way to pool
and share resources of the whole of the country.
We get more money, we're better off
-because we're part of the United Kingdom.
And that's a good...thing.
SNP want Scotland to be independent, right? We ken that you don't, right?
But can you say in under 23 words
why Scotland shouldn't be independent?
Apart from the fact that you'd get Alex Salmond as the president -
-that's pretty horrible. But speaking of which...
Right, you and the SNP are agreed that
you want independence for Scotland. Tell me in under 23 words why.
We need a change of economic direction.
We can't afford to run the same kind of economic policies
that Westminster has been forcing on Scotland
if we want a fairer, more equal society.
-I think that was 26.
-Were you counting that fast?
I'm really clever. I am.
-23 words, go.
-Let's get the tape.
-23 words, Willie.
-I've used up six, already.
So, sharing risk and reward with the UK.
That's one word.
Bigger place in the world.
-You've got three.
-What are we at now? Are we at 11? Is that 20?
-No, you've got three words.
-Yeah, and now you've got two.
-"Er" is one.
-Because it's great.
-Right, you've ruined that.
We're going to edit out me asking you in 23 words
and we'll just have you speaking like that for the whole thing.
It'll be brilliant.
SNP, as you've said, want Scotland to be independent.
Tell me in less than 23 words
-why Scotland should be independent.
-It's a bit like...
You know how sometimes you want Cheesey Pasta
-and your da will no make it for you?
Well, if you were independent, you could decide for yourself
when you had Cheesey Pasta. It's being in charge of yourself.
-Sorry to stop you, I'm actually starving,
could somebody get me some Cheesey Pasta?
You've already displayed that you're not really answering
that many questions, you're quite guarded. Do you think that's
a problem? That the electorate want answers but you won't give them?
-Would you say you avoid questions?
-Have you seen the peacocks outside?
-The peacocks are really nice.
-They are, eh?
And see the garden, that's the best-cut grass I've ever seen.
-I love this place.
-I think there is someone with a pair of scissors
-that's cutting the grass.
-Do you ken how much a sandwich is? It's £10.
I bet you've never seen a sandwich at £10.
-See, now we're talking about sandwiches.
I've seen what you've done there! Oh, my God, you're like Dynamo.
-Do you avoid questions yourself?
That's a very good question. Now let me ask you a question.
Right, I see what you're doing there. Next question.
-Do you avoid questions?
-I don't know what you're talking about.
I'll come back to that later.
So you're avoiding it, because you ken I'm going to ask you...
If you weren't going to vote for the SNP, who else would you vote for?
That's a difficult one because
-I can't imagine life without the SNP.
-You're avoiding the question.
-Life without the SNP would not be worth living.
-It wouldn't be worth living?
-Could you imagine a world without the SNP?
-Are you threatening me?!
-I said MY life wouldn't be worth living!
-I thought I just got threatened off the First Minister.
You're in the Army! You could probably kill me with just one look.
In your opinion, who has got the shannest chat across the parties?
I'm pretty sure that there's some politicians out there
-with shan chat.
-But you're not willing to name them.
-I don't think I want to name and shame the shan.
-No shamey shans.
-No shamey shans.
-Ruth Davidson wouldnae shamey shans.
Ne pas de shamey shan.
-Ne pas de shamey shan?
-Ne pas de shamey shan.
-Old people in Scotland get a free bus pass, right?
So why are they still so moany?
I think the older you are,
the more rights you have to be a bit moany.
They're probably pretty annoyed that they can't get a bus
a lot of the time.
The bus you get on,
you're guaranteed to be met with a sea full of bams as well.
-It's a nightmare.
-Maybe not in the morning
if you're using your bus pass.
Well, I'm up early as well, but it's very different from me,
I'm a professional.
Old people in Scotland get a bus pass,
but they're still moany, why is that?
-I don't think they are.
-Do you not?
Well, I tell a lie,
because I've just come from meeting some old people,
lovely old people and they weren't moany at all -
except when I beat them at bowls.
-Did you beat them at bowls?
-I beat them at bowls, aye.
What a high-octane lifestyle you've got, Nicola.
Old people in Scotland get a free bus pass -
why are they still so moany, do you think?
You're calling half of them bams
and now the rest are moaning too much?
-I didnae call old people bams.
-No, I didnae specify.
Did you not age-specify?
No. You're flipping everything on its head, Willie.
You're a magician of words and...images. You're full of it.
-Full of what? What are you accusing me of now?
This is a very aggressive interview.
It's not! You're just being quite shifty. This is...
-I never thought this would be as baffling.
Your an enigma wrapped in a jigsaw, do you ken what I mean?
So let's go onto welfare.
A few of my pals are addicted to daytime TV
and they cannae get out of the house.
What would you do to make Homes Under The Hammer less addictive?
It is quite addictive, isn't it?
This is the problem.
It's no Jeremy Kyle, but it's maybe a gateway drug to Jeremy Kyle.
I would encourage them to turn over to the Parliament Channel
and that will get them out of the house pretty quickly.
-Have you watched Storage Hunters?
-Aye, it's amazing.
-It's brilliant, isn't it?
Is that why you don't get a lot of your stuff done?
-Is that because you're watching Storage Hunters?
-The best programme.
Isn't it? What an insight.
Storage Hunters, honestly, that's the answer to the problem
of Homes Under The Hammer - get then to watch Storage Hunters.
They won't be addicted any more.
What I like about that is
other people have kind of got it
that they want their political parties
to get people out back into work.
You're not - you'll tell them to watch a better programme.
-But you've seen Storage Hunters, right?
you don't need to convince me! It's my pals that won't leave the house.
I'm surprised everybody isn't watching it.
Let's get onto tax, because that's always interesting.
You want students to pay more money for their education, is that right?
We want some people, once they've graduated
and once they're in a job and earning £20,000 a year,
to pay back a little bit of what it cost to get their degree.
Cos we know that when you have a degree,
you'll earn over your lifetime, on average, £100,000 more.
OK, I think that is actually a really good idea.
Have you thought about introducing that at primary school level?
-The SNP want a 45p tax rate.
-Labour want a 50p tax rate.
Yeah, it's exciting, isn't it?
The Green Party have gone for 60p. Why didn't you do 70p
or why didn't you do something, like, bigger or bolder?
That's what I'm on about. Like, do something mental like 5p.
So, we've got plans to use the tax powers a number of different ways.
And the amount of money we'll raise when you pool all that cash together
is actually more than the Greens - it's about £1.1, £1.2 billion a year
-of extra money that we can spend on public services.
-So more trams?
No, we're not arguing to spend that money on trams,
we're arguing to spend it on schools and public services.
Might be able to squeeze out that water park for Grangemouth.
Brilliant. We've got that. Water park for Grangemouth!
I'll see you in the summer! Yas!
"Where are you going?" "Grangemouth Water Park! Cannae wait!"
"Where do the flumes get to?" "Bathgate!"
-Talking about tax...
-Do we have to?
Now, what is this 45p all about? It doesn't sound like you
could do a lot with that. I mean, I've got that on me now.
It's 45p in every pound you earn.
If you earn over a certain amount of money.
Is that because 45% of people voted for you at the election?
Eh, it's not, actually, but now you mention it,
there may be some subconscious thing happening there.
-I like pirates.
-I like dinosaurs.
-What do you like about dinosaurs?
I like how big they are.
I like that they come in all different shapes and sizes,
so you've got Tyrannosaurus Rex with big back legs and tiny wee arms,
but you also have a Triceratops that's got three horns on its head.
-That's amazing. Do you talk about this in your job?
-But I feel I can open up to you, Gary.
I think it's good that you learn things about people.
What does David Cameron like?
Do you know what, I haven't asked about his favourite dinosaur, but next time I see him,
-do you want me to ask for you?
-Or do you want me to ask his favourite pirate?
I like Gordon Brown. Gordon Brown used to remind me of a pirate.
-Right. Be very careful here.
No, where are you going with this?
Cos a pal of mine said he had a wooden leg,
but when he used to do that thing where he would swallow a wee bit
when he spoke, I thought he was trying to stop himself
from saying "Arrr!", like a pirate.
I don't know whether he was swallowing an "Arrr!",
-he might have been.
-But think how much fun Parliament
would have been if he'd kept going "Arrr!" I would've voted for him.
Yeah, I'll bet you would have.
Is there treasure in the Treasury?
Not since the Labour Party were there. They left a wee note saying,
"There's no money in the Treasury"!
Did they steal money from the Treasury?
-Don't know - they seemed to spend an awful lot of it.
They don't seem to be very good at making money for the country,
but Tony Blair seemed to make a lot of money for himself,
he's done awfully well.
-He's done well, Tony.
-He should have stuck to doing...
I like Tony Blair, because he was a radge but he had a...
Ken, he was quite confident with it.
-Ken that way?
Anyway, my ankle has been killing me for weeks,
until Willie Rennie put his hands on it and screamed
"By the power of the Lib Dems!" and temporarily healed it.
That's true! What makes you better than the healing hands
of Willie Rennie at running the NHS?
I don't want to big myself up but I've got some quite healing hands
as well, I can do the odd massage here and there,
reduce all the tension in your shoulders for you,
you can drop them a little bit.
-I'm getting more tense!
-I bet you are!
What makes you better than the healing hands of Willie Rennie
to run the NHS?
I'm not a big fan of Willie.
So I'm not sure I would look to him for ideas on how to fix the NHS.
Right, OK, that's an interesting response!
I want to tell you something, and this is true,
I've said this to all the other folk I've interviewed today,
I've been telling them that you put your healing hands on my ankle
and shouted "By the power of the Lib Dems!" and it temporarily healed me.
-"By the power of the Lib Dems,"
-was that the crucial words?
And if you do that, and then I'll stand up...
So if you just go, would you just shout...
-Just say, "By the power of the Lib Dems!"
-And is it both sides?
-Don't do it too hard, though, seriously.
Do it both sides. Then go, "By the power of the Lib Dems."
By the power of the Lib Dems!
-That was brilliant.
-Your Cheesey Pasta hasn't arrived.
-No, it hasn't.
Honest, the folk I'm working with! Seriously!
So where do you stand on climate change?
I'll tell you where I stand - in the sun.
Me too, I quite like the sun.
So you are pro-climate change?
I am pro the sun, that's the big shiny thing in the sky.
I ken what that is! But that's the thing.
Climate change would make Scotland, like, a tourist hotspot.
-That is wishful thinking.
-How is that wishful thinking?
I think we should be worried about climate change
-and do a lot more to reduce the energy we consume.
-Do you genuinely?
-Like, honestly, though? Politicians say stuff like that
and I hear it, I think, "You don't really believe that."
-Like, have you got a big TV?
-About 42 inches.
There you go! That will take up loads of energy!
If you told me "I've got a six-inch TV
"and it's black and white", I'd believe you!
I walk to my work, so that's OK, isn't it? That offsets things...
Where do you stay?
-I live in Lochend.
-You dinnae live in Lochend!
-I ken bams that live in Lochend.
-So do I!
-Lochend's rough as...
It is! I cannae believe you live in Lochend.
So you'd probably prefer if climate change got Scotland hotter?
Because I actually want it to get hotter.
-Well, it wouldn't be bad - Costa Del Arbroath would be nice.
So climate change would help the country?
Certainly make Scotland more attractive.
This is what I'm talking about, I'm talking about more sunshine!
Absolutely. God Almighty, what's wrong with that?
-Nothing wrong with that.
-All these scientists,
the majority of them are by no means omniscient...
-They're not what?
-Omniscient. It's a big word.
It means they don't know everything.
Just say that next time.
Sorry, I'll be clearer.
-I just spoke to David...Coburn.
-I know you did.
Are you seeing an overlap with the bam vote there at all?
-Is that maybe where he's at?
Well, he might be. In fact he did say his party
-were the party for bams.
-Well, there you go!
I'm not joking, he did say that, wait till you see it.
The guy is a legend in some ways, but also worrying in others.
A lot of them still deny the existence of climate change.
-That's going to put lives at risk.
-We had a good chat about that,
because we were both agreed it would be better if the world got hotter.
Sorry, no. If it gets warmer, there will be more rain in Scotland,
-that'll be the downside.
-Not if it gets so hot
that we burn the clouds away. Like when you're on holiday.
You know when you go, "Oh, yas! It's burnt that cloud away!"
I'll be honest with you, the only thing I really worry about
with climate change is that the polar ice caps will melt,
that's a danger, and a polar bear stayed on one of the ice caps,
-and floated to Dalgety Bay.
-All the way?
-All the way.
And then I'm there having an ice cream, and the polar bear sees me
with an ice cream and is hungry
because it's been floating across the sea,
but it also misses home,
and then it attacks me. That's what I'm worried about.
I worry about that as well, now that you've put it into my mind.
-So it is a danger?
-I think that's a very real danger,
so we'll think about the whole climate change thing
in light of that.
What will you do if Donald Trump gets into power,
will you deal with him or dingy him?
Deal with him or dingy him? Deal with him or dingy him?
I think America will dingy him before I do.
Yeah, I've said that already on the telly, the guy's an arse.
Would you pick up the phone and he'd say stuff
-and you'd refuse to speak to him?
I would dingy him.
Even though he's in charge of America.
You would still dingy him? If he rung you up and said,
"Willie, do you want to go for a jog up a hill?"
I don't think he could manage it, but yeah.
-I'd like to dingy him BEFORE he got into power.
And I don't believe that he will
ever be President of the United States,
I have too much faith in the wisdom of crowds -
I don't think the Americans will ever elect him president.
But would you have to deal with him?
What do you think of his hair? Do you like his hair?
I think... It reminds me of Dougie Donnelly.
Funny thing is, the day he came to the Scottish Parliament,
the canteen had this dessert with a kind of wavy whipped cream thing
-on the top and it looked exactly like him.
I wonder if the chef knew him.
Anyway, we better get back to the main questions. Trident. Right.
With bams like Putin, Trump, Kimmy Young'un - North Korea -
nuclear square go is just around the corner, I think.
So where's your standpoint on Trident, do we need it?
I think with as many bampots as that,
-we'd better have some of our own.
-Missiles, not bampots.
How much money do you think you'd save if you got rid of Trident?
Well, it's certainly tens of billions, potentially £100 billion.
Would you spend that on more trams?
Could we pimp up the submarines,
and make them into a new tram system
and call it Tramdent? And then people would get jobs.
Do you think people would want to get on that to get to work?
I would, because if it was really wet, you'd be all right.
You wouldn't even be able to look out of the window.
-How would you know when you're at your right stop?
You'd ask to go and look out the periscope. Next question.
What about world relations -
are you worried about North Korea or are you not bothered?
Kim Jong-un is...a concern for him, the poor man.
Obviously, his personal groomer has a sense of humour.
You know that you say stuff and a lot of it rhymes? It's amazing.
-I don't know how you manage it.
-Och, I'm just a poet.
-Are you worried about North Korea?
-I am worried about North Korea.
I'm also worried that quite often online,
-I get compared to Kim Jong-un.
-Are you serious?
I get slagged for it quite often,
because I'm chubby and have short dark hair, that appears to be it.
But, yeah, I get quite a lot of people with little Yes twibbons
-on their Twitter site...
-That isn't why I asked you that.
I'll change his bowl so he doesn't have so bad a hairdo.
How about that for a starting point?
You would get so much trouble with North Korea if you said that to him.
-If I tried to touch it?
-If you tried to touch it, he'd go radge.
But if you tried to change his bowl...
Imagine you tried to change his bowl!
-That's how you get long-term change.
-By changing his haircut?
If you were going to team up with someone else
if the world was all going to come to blows, who would it be?
-I think Bermuda.
Bermuda is like... I would go for the Prime Minister of Bermuda.
-Cos I could wear those great shorts.
-And you and him would hang out?
You could be my advisor.
You know what, there are so many job offers today,
-you wouldn't believe it!
-Water Park chief.
Water Park chief and international conflict advisor.
OK, we're on to our final wee section of quickfire questions.
-Is that all right? Right.
Cheesey Pasta or pasta in a cheese sauce?
Oh, yas. Chips or potatoes?
-This month? Becoming leader of the opposition.
-Becoming First Minister.
-Who's Second Minister?
Never heard of him. Have you ever been to Magaluf?
-So that wasn't you I spoke to last summer?
Have you got a favourite joke?
-Favourite joke...David Coburn.
His manifesto is a complete joke from beginning to end,
-and he won't speak to me at all, won't shake my hand.
-How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poke 'er face.
-That's really good! Do you want to hear my favourite joke?
What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in the garden?
I've probably not had it yet.
Why are you pointing at me?
I'm not! Just a tic I've got.
Your best impression of a celebrity?
-Oh, I'm not doing an impression.
-Can you do an impression of me?
-I wouldn't even try.
-Give me a "hiya".
-Nuh. I've already healed your leg,
what more do you want?
Hey! That was me! Brilliant!
-Ruth Davidson, thank you very much.
-Have you got any questions for me?
-No, I'm fine, thanks.
That was really good.
-That's possibly the oddest interview I've ever done in my life.
I thought it was quite hard-hitting.
-If you could just send the next person in.
-Oh, I know who that is.
-Who is it?
-I'm not telling you, it's a surprise.
I'll see you later.
Oh, my God. It's outside.
So I've come to the end of my mission.
To find out what the politicians are all about.
And what ARE they all about?
Well, I found out they're actually quite weird,
but weird in a good way, ken that way,
because a lot of folk think that they're just, like, fake
and can't be trusted and that they don't write their own things,
and they're effectively playing a character.
But I never found that.
I thought they were just like, ken, real live people?
Just as real as me!