Green Gods Gary: Tank Commander

Right, you dae one of Nelson Mandela.

Today!

< Three, two, one...

THEY LAUGH

Aw, that's brilliant!

< Why is he asleep?

He's pure gouching, look at him.

DRAMATIC DRUMROLL

OK, lads, listen up. I've just been talking to the Captain.

Has anyone seen my, erm...?

Ah!

Chaps, at ease.

The firemen strike, you've heard?

Not. I was just saying, seeing as you're the chaps that drive the...erm...

-Tank?

-Yeah.

You should be in charge of the, erm...

So, to outline, I shall leave you once again in the very capable hands of Sergeant, erm...

To get you in the very best of fire fighting...

Good.

Thank you very much, Captain. That was superb.

Carry on.

Now lads, the boys and larger ladies of the fire service

fancy a few days off to count their wonga,

so we, the 5th Emergency service, will be stepping in

to provide fire support cover over the strike period.

As of tomorrow, we are expected to be on standby for all 999 emergency calls.

Questions?

-Yes, Corporal.

-Is it true that 95% of fires are caused by chips?

No, but it is true that 95% of stupid questions

result in a baw booting!

Now, you need get drilled and skilled in the art of fire destruction sharpish.

Full equipment check, in the yard, 1400.

The Goddesses are in the east bays, yours is 17.

She's legal then? Oi, oi!

She is the property of the British Army, so McLintoch,

I expect you and your merry monkeys to show her due respect.

Oh, don't worry, Sarge, like the song says, we'll treat her with RSPCT.

Well put. Now get a move on.

Um... Erm...

It doesnae actually bother me that we cannae go on strike.

I mean, in some ways it's good, cos like, like, say you were in a job that some folk wanted

to go on strike, and some folk didnae want to go on strike.

It just means that, here, in the army, well, you cannae go on strike.

So you don't have to pick a side.

And I think actually that the army's different

cos it's no' got the kinda folk that would want to go on strike.

Well, in some ways it does because we've got like, nurses and doctors,

but there's nae coal miners and like, nae train drivers.

But, even if they wanted to,

right, even if they said "Oh, look, oh, I'm no' diggin' any more coal",

or whatever, they'd just be telt, "You, get your lamp back on, you're in the army!"

Or "You just better drive that train, we need to get to Carlisle!

"You're in the army!"

And that's that.

And like sometimes, you just need that, eh?

Cos like, imagine what would happen like, if everyone went on strike.

Like literally, everybody,

and you wouldn't even be able to buy...milk,

unless the army

milked the cows.

And we would.

Cos that's what we do.

Do you think if we went on strike, they'd get the firemen to step in for us?

Those fat bastards wouldnae last a minute.

Technically, we cannae strike.

The closest thing would be to lobby the British Armed Forces Federation

and they would take it to the Executive Council.

Yeah, I knew that.

I'm just saying, you know, if we did.

But we cannae.

Charlie, shut up. All I'm wondering is, if the army go on strike,

-then who would step in?

-The police.

-But what if they were on strike?

-They cannae strike either.

Aye, but what if they did?

Shut up, would youse?! We cannae strike, the police cannae strike.

The firemen have striked, cos they're fat lazy bastards.

They're just executing their civil right to strike.

Mair like executing their civil right to sit aboot eating bacon rolls!

-It's no' as if they're fighting fires all day!

-Cats.

They sometimes get cats, I've seen that.

See, and it's no' just about fires, Jacko, they have to go to road accidents.

I dinnae like cats.

I hope we don't have to go and rescue a cat.

They make my eyes feel...funny.

What's this to you anyhow?

-They're just after mair money.

-It's no' just about money.

I can actually see where they're coming fae.

-Why have they gone on strike?

-Well, it's partially money.

-All money.

-Naw.

-Of course it's all to dae wi' money, Charlie.

I mean, folk might say pay and conditions, but actually what they mean is pay, conditions and money.

Naw, it's aboot working hours, equipment and safety concerns.

Safety con...! Of course there's safety concerns, they put out fires!

That's their job. If you can't stand the heat, then stay out the fire engine.

-Spot on.

-I'm just being devil's advocate here.

Well, if I was the devil, I would sack you.

Oi, oi! What are youse waiting outside for?

Cos you've got the key.

# I've got the secret! #

-Have you got the key?

-Aye.

# I've got the key to another way-ee-ay!

# I got the key I got the secret

# I got the key to another way... #

SINGING DIES OUT

Right, I'm going on strike.

DRUM ROLL

It reminds me of the toy trucks I used to play with when I was wee.

Except mine was a red Ferrari.

Aye, they were brought in during the Cold War,

designed with a nuclear attack in mind.

The design's actually based on the old Bedford RL series but they've stopped making the original tyres.

Do you ever bore yoursel', Charlie?

Look at it. It's like something oot o' Dad's Army.

Remember? "Don't tell them your name, Pike!"

But that was his name! That was funny. And that old boy, what was he called?

Mainwaring?

-Nah.

-Jonesy?

Naw, the old boy?

"We're do-o-o-o-med." Him?

Nah. What was it he used to say? he would be like,

IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT: Ah wis just "pissing."

That's 'Allo 'Allo, Gary... The policeman.

He wisnae even old.

Well, he wis old to me when I was watching it!

And it was aboot the war, so just...aye.

Shit, we're late. C'mon, hurry up.

FAST TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

Right, lads, these oil drums represent two oil tankers which have crashed on a busy motorway.

-Oh, aye, I see that.

-The medical services have removed the injured drivers, but a danger remains.

-Which is?

-Is it that they've missed something in the X-ray,

and they die later of complications?

Not quite, Dr Finlay.

Petrol tank's ruptured and it's going to explode.

-Nae need.

-Correct.

Kenning, Smith, take these matches and go and relive your youth!

Putting out two oil drums with a 1950s converted ice-cream van?

Watch oot Al-Qaeda.

Hose ready!

Stand firm! Water on!

Go!

-We need it mair than that.

-It's stuck.

Stuck? I'll stick you in a minute.

Hurry up! Get it on.

Charlie? Just turn it on!

71! 72!

73!

74!

Come on, keep going. 17 to go. That's it, boys.

I dinnae really think that by marching doon the street,

you're gonna be changing that much, apart from maybe the traffic routes.

But it disnae stop people, eh?

I mean, I think that for some folk, they just like the walk.

And I suppose, if it is a nice day, and there's a protest march on, you maybe think, "Well, why no'?

"I've just had a big lunch, a walk would help", right?

And that is fair enough, right, but you see, the problem is these days,

that a lot of these folk just go on the marches, ken, just to like, to go radge.

Like to smash stuff up and, you know, I've seen that.

I've seen that in that London, but then you know,

folk in London are always, ken, you know, moanin' aboot stuff

like poll tax, digestion charges, oh, the government.

You know? And it's always London, eh?

It is, but folk say that aboot London, that it makes you angry when you get there.

And it does actually, cos I once went to that Madame "Two Swords", right?

25 quid to get in, and he never even looked like Robbie Williams.

I was raging.

DISCO RINGTONE PLAYS

Hello, United Nations.

No, Julie, it's me. It's Gary.

Right, just, right, calm doon!

All I can hear is broken doon, broken doon present?

Right, your car's broken doon, and you've got me a present.

OK, just listen to me carefully.

What is my present?

Dinnae worry, I won't tell Jacko.

Tell Jacko whit?

Julie's broken her car.

Sorry Julie, somebody must a' told him.

-What's the matter wi' it?

-What's the matter wi' it?

-Won't start.

-Has she put the keys in it?

Have you put the keys in it?

20 times.

Right, dinnae stress, we'll come up and get you, awright?

OK, see ya later.

Right, come on then, let's go. She's got me a present.

MUSIC: "Never Miss a Beat" by KAISER CHIEFS

Turn that up.

# What do you want for tea? I want crisps! #

Brilliant lyrics.

There she is.

-Are you awright?

-Do I look awright, or do I look like a prostitute?

Is that why that car stopped?

-Right, he's dead!

-No, Jacko, it's awright.

-He just wanted a...

-A what?

Gary! No.

Are youse going to be firemen?

Looks like.

Well, you might be needing this! Go on, open it, it's an axe!

Hello, Argos?

No, it's me, Gary.

But we don't start till tomorrow.

Right, up at the recce ground.

Right, we'll see you in a bit. Awright, cheers, bye.

-Where you going?

-They've struck early.

-The terrorists?!

-Naw, the firemen.

Oh, that's awright.

I hope there's a really big fire and you save everyone!

I hope it's not my house!

Oh my God, what if the house burns down?!

-Julie, shut up! Where is it?

-The recce ground. Bonfire's out of control.

SHE SQUEALS

Right. She's no' coming wi' us.

Yes, I am, Jacko. We can leave the car here. Oh, Jacko, please!

I'll behave, I promise.

Well, if we dinnae take her, then someone else might give her a lift, huh?

-Get in.

-Yes.

Where is it?

I cannae see it!

-Well, it should be here.

-You promised!

I never promised.

BELLS RING

Oh, it's awright.

We're saved.

Aw. Is that your one?

I don't like they ones as much. I like the red ones.

-Awright, boys?

-Awright.

-Altono, where are you going?

Oh, right, we're here. What's the score?

-Nothing each, there's nae fire.

-What?

-There's nae fire.

-You sure?

Oh no, there it is over there.

Do you see it?

-Naw.

-Exactly. Cos there's nae smoke, there's nae fire.

This is clearly a wild duck chase.

GLASS SMASHES

-It's hailstones!

-Ambush, everybody doon! Cover!

First my car, then me. I don't want to die, I'm too young.

-Shut up.

-I swear tae God, if they chip the paint, I'll be ragin'!

Jacko, get an ID on the sniper.

Charlie, Adam, flanks.

Come out or we'll shoot all of youse!

-Dinnae do that again.

-Sorry. Have you no' got your guns? Sorry.

Right, dinnae be silly.

Gary...three o'clock. Bushes.

HE WHISTLES

Oh, my God, this is amazing.

It's much better than a fire, eh?

SHE SCREAMS

VOICES SHOUT

Piss off, piss off! >

Let me go, this is assault. I'll get my dad to batter youse!

Yeah, fair dos. You tell him, 3 o'clock, school gates.

Seriously though, whit dae you think yer daeing? Ya wee boot!

-Who are you calling a wee boot, you big tube?

-Calm doon, please!

What are you saying "please" for? I just about got ma teeth knocked oot, and ah need ma teeth.

-For chewing. So?

-So what?

-What do you think you're daeing, chucking stones at us?

-Why no'?

Why no'?!

Cos A, it's dangerous, B, it's actually quite rude.

And three, that's my car!

Well, there's nothing else...to do.

There must be loads of stuff. What about playing in the park?

-It's been knocked doon.

-Community centre?

-Knocked doon.

-Youth club?

-That was in the community centre that...

-That was knocked doon, right. I'm getting this.

-Aye.

But listen, youse cannae dae this. I'm gonna have to report youse, right?

Well, I'll tell the polis you touched me in the bushes.

-But I never.

-Well, I've got witnesses.

Girls!

Youse wouldnae do that, would youse?

Aye.

Right, right. Fair dos. Right, there's no' that much to do round here

so you fancied throwing some stones at the emergency services.

Right, that's understandable.

But is there any chance youse could maybe hold off until the fire brigade get back off their strike, eh?

Please?

Aye, I suppose so.

Thank you, thank you very much. Thank you indeed. Off youse go.

Come on, then.

Thanks again. Good throws and that.

-What was that like?

-Like getting ambushed off a few wee lassies.

They never ambushed us, they just...

Made us look like dicks.

-Aye. They did.

-I was lookin' forward to a right big beast of a fire, too.

So was I, eh? Ken, I wouldnae have minded all that if there'd just been something on fire, anything, eh?

I'm up for starting one.

I'm only joking...

I'm no'!

I wouldnae say young folk are really that different to when I was younger.

Eh, they maybe look different, but then that's because I don't know them.

I mean, they say they're fatter now, but, I think that's a bit unfair

cos when I was growing up, I knew loads of fat kids.

And there was this one girl, Theresa Small she was called,

which was weird cos she was really fat, like really, you know,

like really fat, and we used to call her, eh, Theresa Massive,

cos she was massive.

Ken, she was, she was the kinda fat girl you would, you know, point at in the street.

But I tell you, she might have been fat and all that but she was funny.

Oh, my goodness, she was funny. She used to make me laugh all the time, honestly.

I mean, just the way she walked, it was hilarious.

Let me get this straight, four members of Her Majesty's armed forces

were ambushed by a couple of wee lassies?

Eh, there was three. Two of them didnae speak.

Who you then manhandled in the bushes?! Is that correct?

-Come on, Sarge, it wasn't like that.

-Well, that's what it sounds like to me!

This has got Daily Mail headline written all over it,

"Army Unit Ambush Ends in Young Girls Bush Attack!"

I want that Goddess back at the garage and I want her cleaned up with a toothbrush.

Do you understand? With a shite-ing toothbrush!

I'm just thinking, right, it's bad enough getting attacked off they wee lassies,

but see them making that prank call, that could have meant we missed a real fire.

I know, I hadn't thought aboot that.

Wee shits! I really wanted a fire.

Dry yer eyes, they were just wee lassies.

Youse trying to tell us that you never made prank calls when you were bairns?

Once, but I phoned straight back and apologised.

Me and ma mates, we'd ring up the boozer, right?

We'd get the barmaid to shout on Mike Hunt.

How, did you know him?

Naw, Mike Hunt. Think aboot it?

Mike Hunt.

Naw.

I tell you, when I was younger, right, one time I phoned a taxi for the hoose next door.

But then they just got in it.

I once phoned the police and said that I was holding my family hostage.

And that I wanted ten quid or I was gonna hack their legs off.

Well, I wis ten.

The police knew it was a wind-up, threatened to batter me, and I put down the phone.

That is the way it should be.

Jacko's right, we should have threatened to batter them.

No, that disnae work.

There's nothing for these people to do in the community, so that's why they're angry.

You just need to step back and listen to them even if they're throwing stones, or shouting at you.

Nah, right, all I know is, when we were younger we might have done prank calls, but we werenae violent.

-What about when you shot that boy in the baws with the airgun?

-That wis an accident.

-Aye, but did you no' shoot him twice?

-That was unlucky, right.

Now, Charlie, I hear what you're saying about, whatever it was, right,

but I just dinnae want to be going to fires that arenae on fire.

And if I wanted young girls throwin' stuff at me, then I would have joined a boy band.

# Re-light my fire

# Your love is my only desire!

# Relight my fire!

# Cos I need your love!

# You gotta be strong enough to walk on through the night

# Yeah, there's a new day on the other side, on the other side

# You gotta have hope, hope In your soul

# Keep on walking Whoa-a-whoa-a-whoa-oh... #

WHIRRING NOISE

My battery's run oot.

It's alive, he's alive.

He's pure become alive!

Is he awright?

Is he awright?

MAN SPLUTTERS

Adam?

Adam! Shit.

ADAM LAUGHS

Shut it! Shut it!

'I thought we'd killed you!'

Bored!

I dunno, I could get used to this fireman malarkey. Piece of piss, eh?

Cup of tea, paper, 30k a year?

And the pension package isnae too shabby either.

All that's missing is a nice big fire, ken, like a raging one wi' flames!

Aye, or like a whole building? Whoosh!

Aye! Or even two buildings!

HE MAKES WHOOSHING NOISE

That'd be brilliant, eh!

Argh, it's doing ma heid in! Argh. It's worse than stagging on!

Why don't ye read a crossword or something?

I've been learning about red squirrels.

Do you know they're a lot like grey squirrels?

BELL RINGS

On your feet, ladies! There's a fire up at the Primary School.

-Which one?

-Myreside.

Yes! Ah went to Petersfield.

Move it!

I dinnae think you can ever be like, fully prepared for anything.

I mean, you try to be as much as you can,

but sometimes that's just no' possible.

You've just got to react at that time, like,

the best you can to what's going on.

Like, I remember when I was no' long in the army,

I'd ordered a pizza, right,

and the waiter brought it oot - and...I'll never forget this -

they'd put a fried egg on top of it.

Seriously, I wisnae prepared for that.

So I just ate roond it.

You see, that's what being in the army's all aboot.

You've just got to adapt!

Does anyone see any smoke?

Come on, oh, it's looking good, lads.

Check her oot, she's shite-ing herself.

Thank God you're here! Oh, this is just awful! It's fricking awful!

-Awright, just listen to me, right, is there is a big fire?

-Yes!

Magic!

-Follow me, it's round the side.

-What?

Bring the truck! For frick's sake, bring the truck!

Right, we heard you, Miss!

They've changed, eh?

Are you actually kidding me?

All of you get back!

< Back! Back!

Do you know what, right? I think I've been really unlucky wi' these fires.

It could have been the fricking kids!

They loved that shed, look at them, they're distraught!

Look, I know your shed's on fire but at least it's no' your face, or your face, eh?

Is that supposed to make me feel better?!

Can someone else, cos I can't... I just cannae do that.

-Well, I think what my colleague is trying to...

-Why are you near me?

Fricking frick, will you just put the fire out, you useless fricking frick!

-There's no need for that.

-Well, do it now!

Listen you, we are dealing with this situation, and you're not helping.

Now just stand over there and let us do our job.

You're right, Charlie, eh? It's all aboot listening to folk,

and then ignoring them and telling them whit to dae, eh?

Come on, then.

CHILD SCREAMS

SIREN WAILS

That's them here now.

Adam, just never mind about that, just get this working.

Pricks!

Awright, lads?

Piece of shit!

Few problems?

Naw, naw, it's awright, aye.

What are youse daeing here?

Och, we'll always call off a strike if it's a school, PR and that?

The ice-cream van...is deid.

Don't worry, boys, we need the practice.

No' seen a fire in weeks, mainly prank call-outs these days.

-Oh, really?

-Aye, it's murder, it's part of the reason we're on strike.

-Fed up going out to these calls and then getting attacked.

-Aye, that must be tough, aye.

Have you boys seen much bother?

Naw, everyone's been really nice and that, eh?

If youse ever get a wee bit bored of the army, you know who to call.

-Aye, Ghostbusters.

-Naw, 999.

Sorry to interrupt, but the shed still is on fire.

Awright, love. Aye, so it is.

Best get cracking, aye. You boys don't mind, dae ye?

Oh, no, no, no. Put yourself oot.

Right boys, fight it!

CHILDREN CHEER

Fat bastards.

I think the main reason that firemen are so popular now is actually cos the attacks,

remember, in New York,

remember, in America,

remember, the buildings,

two buildings, aye.

And that, like, really raised their profile, eh?

And they did do a good job.

I mean, they didn't stop it but then they didn't need to

cos it just put itsel' oot, but...

Whoo-hoo! We're off! The fatties are back on.

-Nae mair of this shite!

-How?

The firemen must have got their cash and their choccy biscuits they were after.

I'm glad, cos it's all been nae fires and nae smoke. It's nae for me.

-Me neither.

-That's that fixed.

I wis beginning to think you fancied yourself as a bit of a fireman, eh?

Nah, this is better, eh?

The boys.

-Aye.

-The platoon.

-Aye.

The regiment, the family.

Who'd want to leave this?

You're right, Charlie, it is like a family.

And now it's bath time.

Come along, boys!

Wa-hey!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

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