The General Gary: Tank Commander

BAGPIPES AND DRUMS PLAY: "We Will Rock You" by Queen

Don't laugh at his name, Gary, it's just a wee furry animal.

Just think about Countdown.

At ease. Corporal, uh, Mac Kline Toch?

-Yes, sir.

-General Randy Badger. Thanks for meeting me.

-It all right, I was told I had to, sir.

That's what a good soldier does, follows orders. So where to?

Eh, the Lanny's oot the front.

-What?

-The Jeep's oot the front.

-Come again?

-Eh...the car...

is...is parked oot... the front.

Yes, of course. I'm not used to the accent, although interestingly

my father's father on his side was Scotch, from uh, Ardrossan?

Right, oh, I've never been, sir.

Hell, neither have I.

Never been to Scotland. Love the old Scotch, though.

What? Old Scottish people?

The drink, Corporal!

Oh, right. I like the old Baileys.

My wife Betty, she loves Baileys!

Betty Badger? Mrs Badger. Yes, sir. Right.

There are loads of different cultures in the world.

And a lot of them are rubbish, like wi' funny food and silly clothes and that.

But then, I think that's what culture is, eh?

Like being different.

And in the army, it's...

It's definitely taught me that when you're in another country

and it's a different culture,

it's really, really important that you learn to put up with it.

No matter how stupid it seems.

So, you're back home, soldier.

-Do you miss the heat?

-Yes, General.

-Good man.

-It's freezing here!

Soldier, I'm talking about the heat of combat, the zone, Basra Bing!

Flapjack Falluja! Rat-a-tat-tat! There's a man on your back!

Hell, yes, God, sir.

Do you trust me, soldier?

-Yes, General.

-Good, cos it's all about trust.

Because you, Corporal, are an integral component to the success of my mission.

-What, what's your mission, sir?

-Cross International Home Stationed Strategic Planning.

-That sounds brilliant!

-It does, doesn't it?

I'm going to be examining what you boys do when you're stationed at home, and not in the heat.

Oh right, aye, when we're at home, in the house, and it's cold.

Aye, I ken what you mean.

What's that?

-You ken? What's that word?

-Sorry, General, that's like a Scottish word.

It means, um, tae like, eh, ken. Like, tae ken...

Explain yourself, soldier.

Erm... To know someone or something.

OK. So, to ken is to know?

Aye, like tae ken someone is to know them...

-Do you ken him?

-Who, General?

No, no, I mean is that right? As in, you can ken someone?

Aye, that's right.

Aye is yes,

I ken that.

Correct, General.

This is good, it's important to be able to communicate with the locals.

So, do you ken him,

then, I do ken him?

Yeah, that's right. Well, it depends if you do ken him.

If you dinny ken him, then you'd say, "I dinny ken him."

-I dinny kenny?

-I dinny ken, General.

-You might or you might no'.

-OK.

So I ken him, I dinny ken him.

I'd like to ken him.

Or her. Can you say that for a lady?

Aye, I think so, aye. You could try, General.

You never know, I might just do that.

-Thank you, Corporal.

-Sir.

-General Badger?

General Randy Badger. Pleasure.

Captain Sabastian Fanshaw. This is Sergeant, er...

-I trust you found the barracks OK?

-One of your soldiers drove me.

-He seemed to find it without too much of a problem.

-No.

Of course. Silly me. Well, we're very excited to assist with your...

Cross International Home Stationed Strategic Planning.

Quite. Well, best of erm...luck.

No need for luck, Captain. I'm here to keep up the American military's 100% record for successful missions!

100 per, eh...

Unfortunately, I, need to be in my office, but do give us a...

-you know, later. I'll leave you in the capable hands of Sergeant, um...

-Sure thing, Captain.

-Sergeant.

-Sir. Erm, shall we?

Quite a set up here. Like it!

Traditional, very traditional.

Yes, sir, General. British Army budgets tend to specialise in traditional.

I've heard. Still, a workman and his tools...

Absolutely, General.

-When it comes to tools, we're not short of them here!

-That's good to hear, Sergeant. Good to hear.

-A' right.

-ALL: Aye.

So, how's Stormin' Norman?

-The General? He's a' right.

-General what?

Motors!

Gentlemen. Sorry to interrupt your midday dining.

At ease, men.

I'm General Randy Badger.

HE SPLUTTERS

Sorry. Hot. Sorry, sir.

Not a problem, soldier. Looks like good hearty fare.

-What is it?

-Badgers 'n' mash.

Speak up, lads, the General asked you a question.

Bangers and mash.

It's good. It's hot.

Good work, men. Enjoy your chow.

Right.

McLintoch. My office after lunch.

1400 sharp. Don't rush your brandy.

Sarge. Sorry tae badger you, but...

THEY SNICKER

Don't.

INAUDIBLE

THEY SNICKER

We've talked about religion quite a bit in the tank. Erm...

And some of the boys don't think it exists.

But...each to their own.

But see, right,

what annoys me, right, is that ye cannae laugh at other people's religion.

You know that way like, if everyone laughed at everyone's religion, like doon the pub, then it'd be fine.

But some folk take it like, ken, really seriously,

like it's aw a matter of life and death, an'...

Just chill-ax!

Take a chill pill,

said Gary unto the people.

I'm well aware that the General has a more unfortunate name than my Aunt Fanny and Uncle Arsehole.

-But the joke stops now, do you understand?

-Aye.

OK. He's only here for a couple of days, so your job is simple.

-Oh, good.

-Keep him sweet and say the right things,

and we'll all be happier than when my brother found out he wasn't the real dad. Are you still here?

Naw.

-First up, Corporal, we'll need the Jeep.

-To show you round the barracks?

Barracks? Hell, no. Ardrossan, that's where we're heading.

-But Sergeant Thomson said...

-Look into my eyes, soldier!

I'm General Randy Badger, do you know what that means?

-Erm...

-It means you are driving me to Ardrossan.

I'm instigating Operation Feel My Forefathers!

Hell, yeah. I'm getting back to my roots.

I'm going to visit the place of my ancestors, the MacBadgers.

The MacBadgers?!

The MacBadgers. C'mon, Corporal, on the double, Armageddon, Arma-drossan!

So, General, what does Operation Feel Your Forefathers consist of?

Well, Corporal, I went to Ellis Island

and I traced my great grandfather's grandfathers on my father's side entering into New York in 1913.

Now, his name was Billy Badger.

Billy Badger?

The records show he was from Ardrossan, but changed his name when he came to the States.

Now, from what, we're not 100% sure.

But a lot of Scots anglicised their names.

I'm guessing his name was Billy MACBadger.

I just want to go there, you know, smell it, to feel...

-Your forefathers?

-You gotcha!

Hell, I can feel it.

Can you feel it?

A wee bit.

This is it.

I'm home.

I, er...

-I think I want to be alone for a while.

-D'you want me to get oot?

No, no, no, no. I just wanna walk around for a while, you know.

Soak it up,

breathe it in,

stand in the still air.

Well, if you've got any problems,

you've got my mobile number.

You're a good man, Corporal.

MOBILE RINGTONE

Hello, Burger King.

No, Jacko, it's me.

I'm in Ardrossan.

Well, it's no ma fault the General's wanting to trace his family history back to the MacBadgers. Seriously.

Right, well just tell Thomson that I've taken him to a memorial or the shops, or something.

CRACKLING

A' right, I'll see you later.

Listen, I suppose there are like historical links

between America and Scotland, cos back in the day, a lot of Scottish people

went on holiday to America cos there was no, erm, potatoes.

An' then they stayed there cos it a better way of life, cos you got a slave.

I'm no sayin' that's right, like now, but back then,

havin' your own slave, it would have been quite good, eh?

But ye cannae say it wouldnae, cos it would. Like, getting them to dae stuff for ya.

Like, "Hey, you, make me a cup of tea, please."

Or, "Pass me the remote."

Or "Do you wanna go tae the cinema?"

Like, that would have been good.

Corporal! C'mon! C'mon!

That was quick.

Did you, eh, manage to feel your forefathers?

More than I could have imagined.

I just walked,

took it in.

I know it sounds strange but...

I felt my forefathers.

For a moment there,

I really felt

I was a MacBadger.

Well, that's good, then.

Sir, are you all right?

It's just being here.

It feels like home.

It's beautiful! Oh, jeez, man!

We're the same, Corporal.

I'm the same as you.

I'm Scotch. MacBadgers!

MacBadgers!

Argh!

HE SOBS

Aye, but he made me drive him to Ardrossan.

He thought it was beautiful. He's mental.

He's here on military business, not for geriatric day trips!

-But what was I supposed to dae? He's a General.

-Oh, is he?

-Here was me thinking he was an exchange student from Mozambique!

-But you said, "Keep him sweet".

I know exactly what I said! What I didn't say was take him for an ice cream at the seaside.

-But that's basically what he wanted to dae.

-I don't care what he wanted to dae!

Right, sorry, Sarge. Just so I can ken, right -

I've not to dae what he wants to dae, in case it upsets you,

but I've got to dae what he wants to dae, to keep him sweet?

No. You've to do what he wants, and what I want, and you've to keep him and me sweet, do you understand?

But, that's...

-Right, OK.

-Good. So tonight, you and your merry monkeys will be taking the General on a night hike,

getting him back nice and safely so he can meet with the Captain for a debrief tomorrow morning.

Now that's the orders, make sure it happens!

See aboot the night hike, erm...

-Tonight's no' great for me...

-Get out.

Right.

OK, so it's a 32-mile-hike, leaving in 15 minutes,

with an ETA of 0600 hours at Strathkeld

where the weather is currently a very pleasant 10 degrees.

Enjoy, General.

Thank you, Sergeant. See you tomorrow. I'm looking forward to this.

Corporal, do you mind?

Certainly.

OK.

Here's the plan.

Now, this walk in the dark, in the cold and the rain, that's all very well and good. But um,

Corporal, show me on the map where the downtown area is.

Erm... Well, the downtown area is here.

Thank you. And, um, what's this area here?

That's the High Street.

High Street?

OK, I'm instigating Operation Hell Yeah.

We'll leave, as the Corporal has outlined, in 15 minutes,

heading to this area here, where you'll take me to a bar that serves hard liquor.

-But, General...

-Look into my eyes, soldier!

I'm General Randy Badger. Do you ken what that means?

-I do.

-It means I'm in charge, and I'm changing the mission.

Now we're going into town on Operation Hell Yeah.

You got a problem with that?

Yes, or ken?

-Ken?

-Good!

Now, scrape that shit off your faces and meet at the gate in 15 minutes

where a cab is waiting to take us to Pussyville.

-Understood?

-Loud and clear, General.

-Give me a "Hoo, yeah!"

-Hoo yeah!

-He's pretty radge, eh?

-I told you.

-I like him.

-I'm no' sure aboot this.

-Oh, he's the General.

We're just following orders. And, as a good soldier, I'm fully committed to Operation Hell Yeah.

Pussyville? Oi-oi!

-Oh, naw.

-What?

-Top Gun.

What the hell have you boys got on?

Is it Halloween? Where's your uniform, your pride?

General, don't get me wrong, I mean you look...

brilliant. But, eh, over here, it's civvies out of hours.

If you boys want to leave all the ladies to me, that's mighty kind.

Yes, General, just leave the mingers to us.

Mingers?

-Are they what I think they are?

-Aye, probably.

-Definitely.

I think I'd prefer a minger myself. C'mon boys, let's go get some mingers! Gimme a, "Hell, yeah!"

-Hell, yeah!

-C'mon, say it like you got a pair, hoo yeah!

Hoo yeah!

Driver!

Next stop, Pussyville.

Oi-oi!

Town, please.

You join us at the International Slap Competition, and here we go,

the boys are off. Here we go, OK.

Here we go, it's an Ace, Jack.

One false move, one giant slap in the pus.

Here we go, c'mon boys! Oh!

-Aargh.

-On you go, wee man, put the cards back in. Go.

There's a seven, queen,

-six, queen.

-Snap!

-I mean, slap!

-Oh-ho! Of course

the rules state that you must say "slap" as opposed tae "snap",

which is the schoolboy version.

Jacko therefore has the opportunity to slap him right in the pus.

-Coming down fae China Town.

-Comin' doon fae China Toon, ladies and gentlemen.

I dinnae ken what that means, but I ken he's getting slapped.

Feel the tension. I know this is gonna hurt.

Oh!

Slapped right in the pus, we've got a a rightful winner, Jacko!

Hell, this place is deader than Saddam Hussein.

Looks like it's up to us boys to get the party started! Hoo yeah!

-He's keen.

-Aye, he's American.

He is, eh? I love it, man! Hoo ya!

Hiya, buddy.

Barman, stack 'em up - five beers, five shots.

Can I get something blue and a Baileys?

You got it, four beers, four shots, something...blue and a Baileys!

Cheers, boys!

Here's to good health and the fall of Al Qaeda!

Kiss my ass! Hell, yeah!

Slange.

Four more shots and a...

blue Baileys.

We're in the Army!

Hell, yeah!

So, General, what exactly does Cross International Home Stationed Strategic Planning entail?

It entails you drinking your drink, son, and not boring the ass off of people!

Idiot.

Boys, I want to say something.

-Where can a man see some titties round here?

-It's a Tuesday night, General.

Where I come from, Titty Bar Tuesday is the most popular day of week! Come on, boys...

Titties! Where them Titties at?

-Fantasy Dancer?

-Shut doon.

The other wan doon the road? Loads of Polish girls.

Were they "Pole" dancers?

-Do you get it?

-Yeah!

Pole. Pole dancers, ha-ha-ha-ha.

You're a funny guy, soldier. Your first dance is on me.

-Thanks very much.

-Geez-A-Peak.

That's open, the women are pretty rank but it's cheap.

Geez-A-Peak? Sounds like a good club. And the women are ranked?

Hell, that makes it so much easier. C'mon, boys.

Down the hatch.

-Hell, yeah!

-Yee-ha!

We are for it if Thomson finds oot.

Look, the bottom line is, right, we were told to keep the General happy,

and that's basically what we're doin'.

-Aye, basically.

-Ah, relax, it's fine, we're on a manoeuvre.

She is anyway, eh?

Hiya.

Who knows what's going tae happen to Iraq? I mean,

it might turn into the new Ibiza.

You know, maybe next year folk will ask ye,

"Where are you goin' on yer hoalidays?"

And you'll be like, "Oh, I'm off to Basra, all inclusive, 637 quid, and that's premium drinks included."

And, you know, a lot of folk will say, "Oh, that'll never happen."

Or, "Look at all the violence, look at how run down it is,

"there's no industry, there's nothing to dae, the hotels are rubbish."

But I mean, look at Blackpool!

Anythin' can happen.

This music here's brilliant like.

D'ye dae food?

Do you speak, aye.

Nice to meet you. Call me Captain Pizzazz.

I take it you must be self-employed then, eh?

Do you dae the tax yoursel'? It's tricky, eh? My cousin's an accountant.

20 quid? Call it 15 and you can take ma clothes aff.

SCREAMING

I have diplomatic immunity. My hands can go where they want.

Americans!

D'you ken who I am, son?

I'm General Randy Badger!

-Sounds aboot right, but there's nae touching, you're oot.

-Don't you push me.

-Time to go.

Och, well, eh, that's ma pal getting chucked oot, so, eh, I better head.

But listen, it's been really good meetin' you, so, thanks for that. See ya later!

-You're barred.

-I don't even know what you're saying!

You son of a...minger!

I'm a MacBadger!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S...

Taxi!

The General just got in a taxi.

It's fine. He'll just head back.

-He'll be a' right, eh?

-Aye, he's a General!

General Randy Bugger.

THEY LAUGH

Right, c'mon.

MOBILE RINGTONE

Hello, BT.

No, General, it's Gary.

Where are you?

Ardrossan?!

No, it's fine, I'll come and get ye.

BT? It's a telephone company.

It disnae matter, it was a joke.

Yes, like AT&T, uh-huh.

Right, OK. Right, I'll see you in a bit.

OK, bye.

Nightmare.

-I found him sleeping on a traffic island.

-Well, that's not too bad.

Naked. Apart from his jacket.

At least he didn't kill anyone.

Does he get deported?

Caution.

-Tell him to stay aff the Baileys.

-It was me that was on the Baileys. I love it.

Hey! Corporal! Thanks for comin'.

Thank you, officer, this really is a decent correctional facility.

Thanks for having me.

OK, soldier... Whoa, I've got a meeting with the Captain shortly, I don't want to be late.

-So, what happened to your clothes?

-I don't know. Hookers?

Last thing I remember, I got into a cab and asked him to come here, to come home.

Shit, soldier, do you have any idea how beautiful it was waking up here?

-No.

-Something I'll never forget.

Hey, check this out.

I don't remember getting it done,

but the guy who did it must have known a relative of mine.

-Tadger.

-Tadger MacBadger, eh?

So...

Hoo ya!

Hoo ya, indeed.

-Have you got another uniform?

-Yeah.

-I always bring a couple of spare, in case this happens.

-Oh right.

-Well, it has!

-It sure has, hasn't it? Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Long, dark, green, with a handle and a trigger,

and a barrel, and a safety catch This isnae any old rifle.

This is a British Army SA80 assault rifle.

Mmm, lovely.

THEY LAUGH

-You're a fanny!

-What you ye talkin' aboot, that's funny!

Aye.

In Ardrossan.

He's got a tattoo on his chest with "Tadger MacBadger" on it. He loves it!

-Whit a radge.

-Aye. Proper.

-Was he charged?

-Naw. Caution, and he was disappointed wi' that!

Men.

Chef.

Boys, I came here to find my forefathers.

And we got em'.

On behalf of the United States military, and my family, thank you.

Thanks, General.

-D'you want a lift to the airport?

-No thanks, Corporal.

I've arranged for a lovely minger from Ardrossan to drive me.

Gentlemen.

-Sergeant.

-General, it's been an absolute privilege.

Operation Cross International Home Stationed Strategic Planning has been a success,

and your men have played a huge part of that.

Sergeant.

Well, well.

Operation Bullshit was a success, was it?

I've just come from talking to the Captain, and it would seem

the General's so impressed, he's suggested an exchange

-where you lads go over to California.

-Hoo yeah!

-Do you fancy that?

-Aye.

I'm no surprised, so would I.

But unfortunately, what with our "traditional budget", that's never going to happen.

Cheer up, lads, shit happens! Talking of which, I'm wanting you to clean the toilets.

So enjoy your chocolate pudding, and I'll see the four of you after lunch.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm away for a big poo!

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