The Great Debate Gary: Tank Commander

You ready?

# Tum, tum, tum, ta-da, Tum, tum, tum... #

Come on, Charlie!

Then you spin.

And then we waltz, we waltz.

Go on, Charlie, boy!

Ah, good morning to you, Chef.

I trust you slept well?

So, what's on the menu?

-Breakfast.

-Come along now, Chef. Tell us about the veritable treats you've cooked up this very morning.

There's bacon, beans, chips, egg, mushrooms, sausage and there's porridge.

-Any of them hash broons kickin' aboot?

-Nuh.

-Black puddin'?

-Nuh.

-Hurry up, you!

-Cereals, yoghurts, fruits - over there.

Any Sugar Puffs?

Nuh.

Weetabix, Corn Flakes, Special K, Bran Flakes, Coco Pops, muesli.

Nuh.

Can I just have some bacon, please, Chef, some beans, please, Chef,

some eggs, please, Chef, some mushrooms, please, Chef,

some sausage, please, Chef,

and some chips, of course, please, Chef?

And that's all, please, Chef! Ta!

Mmmm.

What have you got?

-A' right, mate?

-Aye.

I'm just saying, right, you know all this global warming shite?

I was reading that if the Gulf Stream cools, Scotland'll actually get colder and no' hotter.

Charlie, when would you say you were at your most boring? Morning or afternoon?

-Cos I cannae decide!

-Mornin', ladies.

In good spirits, I see.

-So who fancies being a little jolly volunteer?

-What for?

To represent the Army in a debate with some students.

-Female students?

-You're out.

Aw, pure, whit, man?!

-What's the debate on?

-Iraq.

-I think I'd have a few things to say aboot that.

-That's you out, then, as well.

We'll provide the answers, we just need some monkey to deliver them.

Don't shake your head at me, or you'll need to stick a spoon up your arse to eat your breakfast!

-Aw, Sarge.

-Oh, well, McLintoch, now I seem to have gained your approval,

you can gain mine, briefin' room after your scoff.

-Nae luck, son.

-My mistake...

I'll need two. Thanks, Jackson... Kind o' ye. Ten minutes!

Boys, boys, boys.

At ease, chaps. Now, er, as Sergeant may have said,

my younger brother Rupert is at university at St Andrews,

bit of a big...you know, in the OTC, and he's organised a debate.

You will go and, er...hmm.

Sergeant?

Yes, as the Captain has so succinctly outlined,

you will be representing the Army, adopting our official stance on the recent conflict.

Yes. Very good, Sergeant.

Carry on.

Here's the details of where and when, etc, etc.

As well as the points you will be debating, and the answers you will give.

We get the answers? Is that no' like cheating?

No, you know the motto. Be prepared!

I think it's best that we're all singing from the same...

Song sheet! Very well put, sir.

All you need to do is learn the questions and recite the answers.

Yeah, actually, ah, I wrote some of the answers myself...

Some of the finest Army minds have been working on this, so you don't even need to think.

Don't worry, Sarge, I won't.

Now, the Captain's brother, Rupert,

is planning on going to Sandhurst, as you can imagine, so any questions or queries he may have

with regard to Army life, I expect you to take the time to answer.

-Certainly, Sarge.

-Understood?

Yes, Sarge.

Lads, um, my brother, Rupert, he might not be the, you know, of the family.

But...he will make a good officer, so, er,

you know...

Yes, lads, you know. Off you go.

Very good, sir, a really good briefing!

'You never know what's going to happen, do you?'

Nobody does.

Not even God.

I mean, maybe in a year's time I might not even be sat here.

I might be sitting somewhere else.

Like in a different seat and, and that's what's exciting aboot life, eh?

Like one minute you're sittin' in one seat and then the next minute you're sittin' in a different seat,

and, you know, thinking aboot it like that,

life is a bit like musical chairs, eh?

Although there's not always music...

and it's over a really long period of time...

in different places and without everyone trying to sit on the same seat.

I'm no' sure I understand.

You're going to St Andrews to represent the Army in a debate, but you've got all the answers?

Yes. You do understand, cos that's what's happening.

This smells brilliant, what is it?

That's some recipes I got off the internet.

There's...there's chicken madras, there's prawn tikka massala,

there's lamb rogan josh and there is...the house special.

-Which is?

-Oh, it's chicken, prawn, lamb, potato, swede, pea, and carrot curry stew.

Mmm. And what's in the oven?

Macaroni, vegetarian option.

-You got all these off the internet?

-Well, apart from the house special! That's mine...

You know, cos it's ma hoose!

-Aye.

-Right, now let's have a look and see what this is aw aboot.

-Hand me ma specs.

-I see you still can't find your reading glasses.

Och, these work fine.

"This house believes the Iraq war was justified,

"and no' just for oil."

-Whose house?

-Oh, I think that's a university thing.

-Och, we wouldn't know anything aboot that.

"The Army..." Where, where are you? "The Army," that's your bit, eh?

Hmm-mm. "Without the toppling of Saddam Hussein, Iraq would remain

"a threat to peace in the Middle East, and a significant sponsor of terrorist activities."

Ah, well, I suppose they did topple him, didn't they?

And, and he's less of a threat now, so, aye, good point, Gary.

Oh, thanks.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, that might be Julie.

-Hiya.

-What did you no' tell me for? I don't think we've got enough.

It's me, Gary! I'm here, I'm here! Right, what is it?

Oh, Mr McLintoch! Look at you, you're sick. Oh, my God, you're blind.

Oh, he's blind, for God's sake!

Trying to get him to read a bit of paper, that's cruel, Gary! Sit down! C'mon.

-Julie, what's the matter wi' you?

-I got your text about needing my help!

He shouldn't be cooking, I'll cook! Give me that wooden spoon.

Julie, he's not blind, it's just his glasses. Deep breaths, Julie, deep breaths.

Oh, aye... Well, you look really cool.

-I think I need some water.

-I'll get you some water.

-No, you're sick.

-He's no' sick.

Maybe it's me, maybe it's me that's sick!

It was that hot in the baker's and then the walk home, I think I might need one of they tinfoil blankets.

-There's some tinfoil in that drawer.

-Right, just stop.

Dad, stir the curry. Julie, get a wee seat.

Listen, I just need you to be the opposition at the debate. It's no' that serious.

Right, so why was your text in capitals?

Because I was eatin' a bag o' crisps.

A debate? I don't think I'd be good at that. I'm rubbish at winning arguments.

-No, you're not.

-Yes, I am, Gary!

Right, well let us just try it.

And this is a pretend argument, so you might win it.

I doubt that.

I doubt that too, Julie, but let's just see how it goes, eh?

-Who's for curry?

-Oh, aye.

-Curry?

Aye. You like curry, Julie?

-Curry? Yeah, hmm-mm.

-There we go. Oh, get it doon.

Get fired in.

Right, let's have a look at these questions.

Can you pass the milk?

Right, I'll go devil's advocate.

What does that mean?

It basically means he's a stirrer, like Anne-Marie McLaverty.

She's an absolute bitch!

-Julie!

-Oh! I'm so sorry, Mr McLintoch.

It's a' right, Julie, we all swear now and again, even me.

I remember I once called Mrs Miller a dong pumper, by accident.

She'd bumped into me wi' her shoppin' trolley and it just came oot.

It did, I was there.

I don't really think she knew what it meant.

-No.

-That makes me feel a bit better.

Can you pass the naan?

-Thanks.

-Julie, you read this one oot.

"This house believes the Iraq conflict wasn't a front for the West to secure access tae oil."

-Gary?

-Um, yes, no?

Julie, can I get an onion bhajee?

-Julie?

-What?!

-Are you all right?

-No, no, I'm no'. I'm sorry, I'm just...

It's so hot, I'm, I'm, I'm just so hot. I shouldn't have had the curry.

You should have said, there's macaroni!

It's a' right, Julie, I think we've done enough for today. I'll look at this later.

I'm really sorry about the curry and my mouth and the milk. I'll tidy up.

Just you make sure you're prepped, son...

Remember when I tried to make those apricot, prune-filled,

-Czechoslovakian sweet buns? I hadn't done the preparation properly... I paid the price.

-I remember.

That was a tough day. But this is different, Dad. I've got the answers, I just need to read them oot.

The Chechen buns are in the bag, if you ken what I mean.

You're so clever, Gary.

Buns in the bag. Here's your folder.

Can I have some dessert?

I can dae an impression o' him. Jacko and the boys are always askin' me to dae it.

Should I? Right, a' right. Right, so he's come in the office, right,

and he's chucked his hat on the stand, ken, and he always gets it on the stand, it annoys me...

and he turns roond and he says,

Miss Moneypenneeee.

That's it, but I can dae a better one, right.

I can dae a better one, right.

This is just something, it's no' in the film,

but it's something I imagine he'd say.

That's me away to the shhhhoapsss.

That's quite good, eh? I've got one more, right.

I've got one more impression, right.

And that, this is, this is, it's no' him,

but from the Bond films. This is the impression, right. Watch.

That's Jaws.

Fae the Bond films!

Ah, aboot time.

Bags in the boot, please, bell boy.

You'll struggle to dae that debate wi' a broken jaw.

I suppose this is what you'd call a win-win situation.

How?

Cos we've got the answers, so we'll win...

-Win.

-Kindae.

What do you mean, "kindae".

You've got the Army's answers, doesn't mean you'll win.

How does it no'?!

Cos, they're students, an' that. Ken whit they're like. Most of them'll hate you.

-Why would they hate me?!

-Cos of the uniform, ya fanny!

-I suit this.

-Shut up!

It doesn't matter what you say, most of them'll be, like, against Iraq, an' aw that.

We'll see.

The Great Debate.

The Battle O' Words.

I wonder which word would be the sorest, if it was a bullet?

-What?

-Ayah!

That would be a sore, eh?! What else?

Kapow! That would be sore.

Yellow?

That wouldnae hurt as much.

Prick.

Jacko, that hurt.

Hiya.

I'm Corporal McLintoch,

this is Jacko.

Hi. How can I be of service?

We're here for a debate. We've got to meet Rupert Fanshaw.

Oh, of course. I'll just check.

Now, I think you boys do a great job.

-Thanks.

-I hate terrorists.

Aye, they're a cheeky bunch, eh?

I'll just see if I can locate him. Here, he might have gone AWOL, eh?

If he has we might need to go find him and shoot him in the heid!

OK... Rupert has booked the lecture theatre over at the OTC building,

which is at the other side of town, but it's easy enough to find.

Oh, well, I hope it is,

otherwise we might need to come back and get you!

Thanks. See you later!

-UPPER CLASS ENGLISH ACCENT:

-Corporal McLintoch. Lance Corporal Jackson.

-At ease, student.

-Rupert.

-Fanshaw.

-Hey, look who it is...

It's ME!

-Where'd you get that picture?

-I Googled you. It's from when you were in the paper...

Er, you don't mind do you?

I could blank out the eyes, if you like?

Naw. I look amazin'!

Thank you so much for doing this.

It's great to have actual serving soldiers.

I'm in the Officer Training Corps myself, so,

er, Sandhurst, here I come!

Aye, we heard.

-Really?!

-We ken your brother.

Course! Sebastian. Pasty, as I call him.

Oh, we got up to some laughs at boarding school, I can tell you...

Oh, Pasty once dropped a duvet out of a window.

I bet he never told you that one, eh?

-No.

-Great chat.

So, er, the debate doesn't, er, kick off for another two hours,

so I thought we could just um, hang out and, well, chill.

I'm up for chilling. Jacko?

Wicked sweet.

Wicked sweet!

C'mon, you, you're taking ages.

Hold up.

I appear to have forgotten something.

I best go back and get it.

C'mon, you! Idiot!

I should be at a History of Art tutorial now, but stuff that, right?

Free Palestine!

Free Palestine!

That's funny, he never even looked like he was from Palestine.

He's not, they don't even know what they're protesting against.

-They don't understand war.

-Is that right?

-Yeah, bloody English!

-Are you not from England?

-England?!

Scottish, mate. Bloody Aviemore, born and bred, I thought you kent my brother?

Oh, aye... He's...Scottish(!)

Well, what's the point?

We could have one of these inquiries into whether Iraq was right or wrong,

but then, what do inquiries actually achieve?

I mean, we still don't know what killed Diana!

I was, like, so hungover, like wicked sweet hungover,

cos I'd been drinking John Smith's all night,

OK, and then suddenly these paint balls just whooshed past me like, SHADAH! KAPPA!

You know, like, really close. I mean, you'll know what that's like, right?

And I thought I was a goner, but I pulled myself together and I called out to my men,

"Come on, St Andrews, we can win this!"

-And did you?

-No.

-Thanks.

-Listen, I know it's only been a couple of hours,

but I think I'm really starting to understand how you guys bond.

I'd take a bullet for both of you.

Just the bill will do.

It would be a privilege.

If he salutes one more time I'm going to snap his hands off!

Oh, come along, Mr Huffy Puff.

He's keeping us in French Fancies.

Mmmm!

This is the arena and you guys will be here,

I'll be sat there, and your opponent Millie will be there.

Ah, that is what we're up against.

-Nae bother.

-Oui, oui, pas de probleme!

-Is she Spanish?

-No.

-Er, Scottish?

English.

-Right.

-Alors, a bientot. Au revoir.

Sorry about that. Millie, nice to meet you.

-Gary. This is Jacko.

-A' right?

-Hi.

-Rupert was just saying, um...

-You're English.

-Guilty as charged...

-Scottish, I presume?

-Och, aye.

How exciting. North versus south.

Yes, I hope you're ready for the north to whip your arse?

-You don't have a whip with you, do you, Corporal?

-Er, no, just a gun.

-That's a joke.

-Yeah, I know.

OK, well, if you'll excuse me I'll go and steel myself to take on the might of the British Army.

-Well, may the best man win!

-Person.

-Er, naw... Man.

OK, OK, thank you, everyone, OK - settle.

OK, I'd like to welcome you all to this debate on Iraq, whether it was justified...

or just for oil.

I'm keen to get started, so let me introduce Millie Fairfax, who will be speaking against the house,

but more importantly Corporal McLintoch, who shall be speaking for the house.

APPLAUSE

Hiya.

You a' right?

Er...

Just, um...er...ma notes,

Er...

Um...

OK, so, this house believes that the Iraq conflict is...

a lot like...macaroni... Because, on its own,

it's, it's, um...dry

and horrible...a bit like Iraq.

But it's, it's when you add the cheese sauce, that...

That's when it works, eh, that's when it comes together, that's, that's when you love it.

But...if you add a cheese sauce that disnae work, that's where you get the problems like,

I remember once ma dad was experimenting like wi' a new cheese sauce and he used Dairylea.

And that didnae work.

Actually it made him boak...

-Corporal, are you being serious?

-I know!

Lookin' back on it, it's total madness, but at the time, you know, he was just,

he was just experimenting, he was just trying to make a sauce that works,

and...in a way, looking back, like, us in Iraq,

we were maybe, you know,

that new sauce, and, perhaps some of ye think, you know,

that we, the Army, were Dairylea or maybe you think we were cheddar,

but the bottom line is we were just trying to make a better sauce of it.

Millie, your response?

Well, talking of sauce - take the sexed-up dossier.

You wouldn't have had to try and make a better sauce

-if the Government's recipe had been accurate in the first place!

-What?

I mean, that if the dossier represented a recipe, then we, the nation, were given the wrong recipe.

We were misled on how to make macaroni cheese.

Ah, but, see, I don't think there is, like, one right way of making macaroni.

My mum makes it with a blue cheese sauce.

Well, that's disgusting. I mean, you should be making it wi' a yellow sauce,

eh, like a yellow cheese. Cheddar, you know.

Nanny use to use to make it with a mix of milder creamier cheeses.

Well, you see? It's complicated. Like when we were in Iraq.

You know, we were trying to make a new sauce and we maybe didn't have all the ingredients,

but we were on a budget, you know? It was a bit like Ready Steady Cook,

we did the best we could wi' the bag that we got, you know.

APPLAUSE

But Corporal, I put it to you

that, far from being on a budget, a la Ready Steady Cook, you were effectively

shopping from Marks & Spencer's. You were dropping organic cream cakes on defenceless Lidl shoppers.

APPLAUSE

But what were we supposed to dae?

We invited Saddam round for dinner but he didnae want to eat wi' us.

-I mean, we tried to cook for him.

-Maybe you didn't try hard enough.

In fact, I put it to you that you offered him steak and he was vegan. There were no real options.

You bought the steak, you knew he wouldn't come round, let alone eat it.

Well, Millie. Sometimes, it's difficult to cook for vegans.

Especially macaroni cheese.

APPLAUSE

HIP HOP MUSIC

# Take a ride, take a ride Take a ride, take a ride

# Take a ride, take a ride, Take a ride with me

# Take a ride, take a ride Take a ride, take a ride

# Take a ride Won't you ride with me?

# Take a ride, take a ride Take a ride, take a ride

# Take a ride, take a ride Take a ride with me... #

I don't care how you dress this salad up, it's always been about oil!

Well, even if it was always aboot oil, Millie, we've made that salad, we've chopped the lettuce,

chopped the cucumber, put the lettuce in

and we've put as much salad cream in as possible, so to put oil on it now would just ruin it.

APPLAUSE

OK, guys, I'm going to have to ask you to make your closing statements.

Um, Corporal?

Um...

Well, all I'd say is that to anyone who has ever cooked anything, sometimes it works,

and sometimes it doesnae and sometimes it's nice and sometimes it makes you sick

and sometimes you have seconds, right.

But for those of you that think that we, the Army, made a meal of Iraq,

maybe you should stop eating microwave meals and try cooking something from scratch,

cos I'm telling ye', it's a lot more difficult.

Thanks for listening.

APPLAUSE

Corporal, I must admit that even as an ardent anti-war protester and vegan,

I'm now willing to admit that there's not always going to be a dairy-free option.

APPLAUSE

-I knew we'd win.

-Well, I won.

Yes, you won, but I mean, um, the Army won. So we won!

-Well...

-I can't wait to join the Forces and become an officer.

Do you think I can do it?

Rupert, you are an officer.

Thank you.

Well, I'm just going to go over and congratulate Millie on losing.

Oh, Jacko,

how about that, eh?! Oh, just think, in a couple of years, when I've graduated and joined you guys,

I can see us having a good drink and laugh about this.

Oh, God, only... I'll be in the officers' mess, so, um,

it won't be exactly like this.

Aye, you're right.

So why don't we go for that pint now?

-It's unlikely we'll do it in the future.

-God, yes!

We can make it really realistic. Like, um, you could drive me somewhere!

Aye...mebbe I could.

The equipment issue is serious, right?

The worst one I heard was a guy that had to bring his own spade

and he never got a rifle.

-Where have you been?

-I've been showing Rupert what a laugh the Army is.

Jacko, where's Rupert?

Don't know.

-Probably oot enjoying himself, Gary, you know what these students are like.

-Is he deid?

-Naw.

-No, seriously, though - is he deid?

-Naw.

Right. That's a' right, then. Right, let's go. Home, James, please, Gary.

Hi, Pasty? Yeah. They're amazing, amazing lads, yeah. No, that Jacko,

joker to the max, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, fantastic time.

Fantastic. OK, OK. Well, I'll see you at Chris...

Bye!

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