Checkout Gary: Tank Commander


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LineFromTo

-Hai!

-Hai!

-Hai!

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-Hai!

-Hai!

-Hai!

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-Hiya!

-Hiya!

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HUM OF CHATTER

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Stand easy.

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OK, chaps, first up, huge congrats.

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Mission, er, done.

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Now I know we're all looking forward to getting home soon to see Mummy, but unfortunately...

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Oh, God...

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Oh... I'm a little

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bit under the... Sergeant, I'll leave you... Oh.

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Thank you, Captain. A rousing send-off indeed.

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Best of luck.

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OK, beetroots, listen up.

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Your 48 hours of decompression awaits

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and I know you're more desperate to go than my incontinent grandmother.

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However, thanks to the delay caused by

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Tony Taliban and his terrible chums, your Crab Air flight to Cyprus has been filled and has now departed.

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GRUMBLING

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Naw! I swear to God I've had it up to here with Anthony Taliban.

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Well said, Corporal. The Tony Ts are total dicks.

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How would they feel if we delayed them to their flight to Cyprus?

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I'm sure they wouldnae be too fussed, they're quite a homely bunch really.

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Aye, they don't stay at home enough for me.

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This is a nightmare.

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I'm meant to be meeting Big Glenda the medic in Cyprus for a special examination.

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As in, first come, first served, Glenda?

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First served, first come, ma boy!

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Shut up! Now I suggest you lot make the most of the concrete floor and get some kip.

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Updates will be given on a need-to-know basis. Of course, you lot...

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ALL: Don't need to know.

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At ease. Oh, what a relief.

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Back chimney swept. Now, I take it, Sergeant, you've told the

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men about you and I, er, you know?

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WOLF WHISTLE

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Thank you, Captain, I was just getting to it.

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Due to important MoD business, Captain Fanshaw and I won't be

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joining you on the flight out as we've been asked to meet and greet a visiting dignitary.

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Ross Kemp. So there you are.

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Looking forward to it.

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Right, at ease.

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You heard the Captain, carry on.

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Ross Kemp?

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-Dignitary my arse.

-At least he comes out.

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-Has he come out?

-Aye aye.

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I dinnae mind Ross Kemp, it's his brother I don't like - Phil.

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He looks like a Scotch egg.

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I hate eggs, Scotch or foreign.

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You mean Phil Mitchell?

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Aye, his brother.

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Ross Kemp and his brother Phil Mitchell?

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All right then, his half brother.

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I couldnae really tell you what's happened to the war on terror.

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I think it's still going.

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It's a bit like that soap, Doctors.

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It's still on, but naebody's really interested in it.

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I mean, is it really too much to ask to get here on time, get on

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the flight, have a sleep, wake up in Cyprus, have a brilliant time, win a scratch card and go home?

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Is that too much to ask? Was it?

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-Seems pretty reasonable to me.

-I cannae wait to get back.

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I'm gonnae get pished and laid, in that order.

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-Lucky her.

-Aye.

-See when I get back, I just want to sit down with a cup of tea and read the paper.

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What, then go down the Post Office and pick up your pension?

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Hope it's raining and all, I like that cool drizzle on my face.

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I fancy a run up the back woods.

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-Drizzle and a run? Are youse kidding me?

-Naw.

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A run when it's no burning my lungs?

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-Cool air. Nice.

-Aye, you willnae be saying that in a week.

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You'll be wishing you were back here on Operation Burnt Coupon!

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Aye, youse have completed that mission, eh?

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-Look at the state of youse.

-What are you saying?

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You were the one panic tanning. I'm bronzed.

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With me, the tan transition's usually about 72 hours. So by Wednesday, all this will be brown.

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Eh, you're talking broon.

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In 72 hours you'll still be talking broon.

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Anyway, you keep up that good chat, Charlie ma boy, cos I'm wanting some kip.

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Fail.

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Night-night ladies, sleep tight.

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Dinnae let the big massive Afghan bugs bite.

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Like...

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MUSIC: "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" by Beyonce

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-# All the single ladies

-All the single ladies

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-# All the single ladies

-All the single ladies

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-# All the single ladies,

-All the single ladies

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# All the single ladies Now put your hands up

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# Up in the club, we just broke up

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# I'm doing my own little thing

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# You decided to dip And now you want a trip

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# Cos another brother noticed me

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# I'm up on him He up on me

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# Don't pay him any attention

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# Just cried my tears for three good years

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# You can't be mad at me

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# Cos if you liked it Then you should have put a ring on it

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# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

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# Don't be mad once you see That he want it

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# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

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# Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

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# Oh-oh-oh-oh

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# Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

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# Oh-oh-oh-oh

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# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

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# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it... #

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MUSIC: "Orinoco Flow" by Enya FAINTLY FROM iPOD

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GARY SINGS TUNELESSLY: # Oh-oh-oh sail away, sail away

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# Sail a... Oh-oh-oh

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# Sail away, sail away, sail... #

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-What is it?

-You. Stop singing.

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I'm trying to get a kip.

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I wasn't singing.

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I was having a nice dream there.

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What aboot?

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Massive 99

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with a flake that was the size of a log.

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And the boy only charged me 20p.

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Then he was a squirrel,

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then he woke me up.

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That's funny - I was thinking of a 69.

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Wi' Glenda.

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Wi' your tiny flake?

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I've never had a 69.

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Always a 99.

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Always a flake. Sometimes with hundreds and thousands.

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SNIGGERING

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What?

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No. I cannae sleep.

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I cannae do a back flip. What do you want me to do about it?

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I was just thinking, some of it was all right, yeah?

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Aye, last week with Gary getting that beastin' off Thomson. That was brilliant.

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I thought he was going to end you.

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So did I.

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Did you do it?

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Naw. Mebbe.

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It was fun, eh?

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Superglue.

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Just his face, it was redder than a skelped arse, eh?

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Aye - it didnae help his big baldy burnt coupon. He was like that,

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"Corporal McLintoch, while you may think it's funny to leave superglue

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"on the lavvy bowl, I can assure you, if I had proof, I would court martial you for being a total bam.

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"You're so stupid you remind me of my wife, who's a pure... "

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(Ahem! Thomson!)

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"..and innocent lady." That's what I said to my uncle after I played that,

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you know, trick on him which I've never played on anyone, ever since, you know.

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And the reason he called me Corporal - because he was mental, he thought I was in the Army.

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Oh!

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Sergeant Thomson.

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What a lovely surprise.

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A few years ago, there was a boy in my platoon thought he was a joker.

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A real funny guy. But he wasn't.

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He wasn't funny at all.

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So one day we sorted him out.

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Do you want to know what we did?

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Bought him a joke book?

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Aye, a joke book to the hospital.

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Think on!

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Right, muppets, your allocated flight will leave at 0600 hours.

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GRUMBLING

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Come on, Sarge, I'm on a promise. Is there nae other flights?

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There is a flight leaving shortly, but it is full.

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So it looks like your tuppenny hoor will not be seeing your white arse and your burnt noggin' quite yet.

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Sorry Sarge, can I just check...

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Is it full as in full, or full like, ken,

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with a cinema when it's full, but oh, look, there's loads of seats?

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Full as in full. As in you are full of pish. Understood?

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Yes, Sarge. Thank you.

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-12 hours?

-And seven minutes.

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I swear, if there was like a war Points of View, I would complain.

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-Twice.

-Come on, boys, there's got to be another way of getting' on that flight. Ma baws are burstin'.

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-We just need to barter.

-We cannae batter folk for the tickets.

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No, barter. As in exchange of goods.

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What, as in... Are you talking about like swapsies?

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Aye? I'm up for that, aye, that's what I am, I'm up for that, you ken what I mean?

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Need, need, need, got, got, get on that plane, we're away, that's it. Well, let's do it then. Let's do it.

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What've we got? Get your kit out for the lads, let's see it.

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Porn cards, a book, a packet of chewing gum and a couple of pens.

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That wouldn't get us on the bus.

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That would take ages anyway. What about your iPod?

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What about yours?

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-I cannae find it.

-Shut up.

-I swear.

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-Pocket.

-Aw thanks, I was looking for that. Ach, cannae.

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Come on, I've put my cards in.

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Aye, cards isn't the same as an iPod.

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They're classics, they don't make them like that any mair. 100% natural. Look, nae trimmin'.

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The cards are all right.

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Some other wee chugger will take them.

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The iPods are a last resort.

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I'll end up killing Charlie if I have to listen to his chat on the plane.

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Hold on, you've only put an old pair of cracked sunglasses in.

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Aye, what're you saying?

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-You only put a book in.

-A book?

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War and Peace is no' just a book.

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Aye it is, front cover, back cover, pages in the middle. It's a book.

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-Have you read it?

-I don't need to read it.

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It's War and Peace, I ken all aboot that. Why are you even reading it?

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It's on my list of 50 things to do before I'm 25.

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-What number are you at?

-18.

-19. Shut it.

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Right, who is the target for this?

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-Erm...

-Do you know any of the RAF bods?

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-No. How?

-They're in charge of the flights.

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Oh, I know, the RAF bods.

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They're in charge of the flights. Just take it right to the top.

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Take them the bag of swag, Bob's your auntie, Jeff's your new stepdad.

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Good idea.

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Four tickets, mind.

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First class.

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I'll dae mair than that.

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I'll get you four tickets in pure class.

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Knock, knock.

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Knock, knock.

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Yes?

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Em, are you like, to do with the flights and that?

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Well, I hope so. I work for the RAF.

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Flight Lieutenant Bradshaw. You are?

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Corporal Gary McLintoch, Army.

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Was there something in particular?

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Em, well, like,

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me and the boys, like...

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We love the RAF, honestly.

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We think it's like the best part of the Army that flies.

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And, em, I was just wondering...

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-..do you like cards?

-Playing cards?

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I play bridge when I can.

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-And have you ever read War and Peace?

-Yes. In the original Russian.

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Well, you'll love this then, it's in easy to read English.

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SPEAKS RUSSIAN

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Great. Thanks.

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Do you eat chewing gum?

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Yes. Mostly after onions.

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You intae graffiti?

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-Not really.

-Never mind.

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You have been selected for a free prize draw on one condition.

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That you do a swapsies for me and my boys to get on the next flight.

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Corporal, while I appreciate your offer I'm afraid I don't accept bribes.

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Although the cards would come in handy. For bridge.

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All right then, why don't you keep the cards,

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but what if I gave you these as well and you accepted them,

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and in exchange you let us on to the next flight?

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That would still be a bribe.

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-What about an iPod?

-Still a bribe.

-Right.

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Look, if you were to swap your wares for flight tickets with

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some of the other soldiers, without my knowledge, and without incident, and I do mean without incident,

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then that would be a matter for your concern.

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-Right, so you don't want to know that I'm going to swap these for, like, tickets for flights?

-No.

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-So I shouldn't have told you.

-No, that's fine.

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-Right. Should I tell someone else?

-No. Discussion over.

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Good luck.

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With nothing.

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Cheers, em, Grand Master Flight Lieutenant...Bradshaw.

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Good effort though, Corporal. Can't fault you for trying to get your men home quicker.

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-Just want to get back, eh?

-Aye.

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It's the wee things that you miss.

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For me it's a 69 and a flake.

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Cheers.

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Do youse want to swap your flights?

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I've got playing cards, a book and some chewing gum.

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Nah.

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LAUGHTER

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Aye, youse are laughing now,

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but you willnae be laughing on the plane...

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to Cyprus.

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Swapsies, swap your flight, flight your swap.

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Swap it, swap it, doubler, need, need, got?

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Swap your flight? Flight your swaps. Swap it, swap it, doubler, doubler, need, come on now.

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War and Peace? You'll no get fleeced. Into your Tolstoy?

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Give me four tickets for my boys.

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Chewing gum? Good for diges-tion.

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Doesnae bother me, I'll get masel a private jet.

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See you there, eh?

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Here, mate.

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-Word is you're looking to swap your flights?

-Aye.

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Great, so am I.

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Brilliant. Right what do you want?

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I'll give you all this. Not just the stuff but the bag as well.

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No, no, no, you're fine, I don't want any of that.

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Nothin'? You beauty.

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In fact, I'm going to give you something.

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-Aye?

-What's your name?

-Gary.

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Very pleased to meet you, Gary. Cammy.

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Now, Gary, what would you say if I was to tell you that in my pocket

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I had four tickets to Sharkworld?

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I'd probably say, "What's Sharkworld?"

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In fact, that's what I'm going to go with. What is Sharkworld?

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I'll tell you exactly what it is.

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It's amazing, that's what it is.

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Imagine a place full of sharks.

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Does that sound good to you?

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It depends. Am I like in wi' them?

0:16:090:16:12

-No.

-Then it does sound good.

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Would it sound even better if I told you I had four VIP tickets, best comfy seats in the house

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at Cyprus's premier aquatic attraction?

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Sharkworld.

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VIP tickets and comfy seats?

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Aye, that sounds even better.

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So, you would give me four seats onto your flight

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-and give me four VIP tickets.

-To Sharkworld.

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You've said it, that's the deal.

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Brilliant. Hold on, when's your flight?

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Some time later tomorrow afternoon, but come on, never mind about that.

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We were just saying, we were just saying, how good it would be to be VIP kings for the day.

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Naw, mate, naw, I cannae. No if your flight's after mine.

0:17:010:17:04

No, no, fair enough.

0:17:040:17:08

I was just thinking, you know, with you being VIP kings for the day you wouldn't be in a rush,

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because VIPs don't rush. Do they?

0:17:150:17:19

Naw.

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What's a couple of hours to a bunch of guys to chat,

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relax and talk about how amazing Sharkworld's going to be?

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It is, it's going to be amazing.

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I wish you were my corporal. I wish you were my corporal.

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If I'd been a lower rank and my corporal had come to me and said I've got four VIP tickets to...

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-Sharkworld.

-I'd be that chuffed. I'd be like, "I cannot believe it, VIPs, we're going to be kings for a day."

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Aye, we're gonnae be like kings for the day...

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at Sharkworld. Comfy seats. The boys are gonnae love this. Aye, all right then, let's do it.

0:17:480:17:54

Thanks.

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Aye.

0:18:020:18:03

The problem with the Middle East, right, is that cos it's hot,

0:18:030:18:07

all year round and the leaders have got to wear suits all the time, they get irritated, like mair easily.

0:18:070:18:14

See, don't get me wrong, like, I love the heat.

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I soak it up like a wet sun sponge, eh,

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but if I had to wear a suit every day and meet folk I didnae like,

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you'd just be like, "Ah, no, I'm roasting, this is daein ma heid in.

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"Just bomb them. I'm heading back to the hoose to get ma shorts on and hit ma pool, eh?"

0:18:290:18:33

You would, eh?

0:18:330:18:36

See, it just shows.

0:18:360:18:38

The sun is really powerful.

0:18:380:18:41

In more ways than we knew.

0:18:410:18:44

Lads, lads, lads, get up, get up, get up, get up.

0:18:440:18:49

-You swapped the seats?

-I certainly did. I like that.

0:18:490:18:52

Ya beauty, Gary, c'mon move it.

0:18:520:18:54

No, no, not yet, in a bit.

0:18:540:18:56

-What d'you mean?

-Just give me a minute, Stromboli,

0:18:560:18:59

cos I've got some rather exciting news.

0:18:590:19:03

We're on the flight. When's it leaving?

0:19:030:19:05

Don't worry about that, we've got ages. To chat.

0:19:050:19:07

Ach, it's no been delayed has it?

0:19:070:19:09

Right. I, Gary, your favourite corporal, has managed to get his

0:19:090:19:14

hands on no' one, no' two, no' three, no' five,

0:19:140:19:20

but four VIP tickets to...

0:19:200:19:23

Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?

0:19:230:19:27

-Anyone?

-Hurry up.

0:19:270:19:29

Only Cyprus's favourite aquatic

0:19:290:19:33

premier destination attraction - Sharkworld.

0:19:330:19:40

Aye, very good, but did you get us on the next flight?

0:19:400:19:44

No, I swapped our seats for a later flight. But are you no' listening to me?

0:19:440:19:49

Four VIP tickets to Sharkworld.

0:19:490:19:51

As in THE Sharkworld.

0:19:510:19:54

What are you talking about? What later flight?

0:19:540:19:57

It leaves like a couple of hours after ours, but what does that matter, eh?

0:19:570:20:00

We don't need to rush.

0:20:000:20:02

We're VIPs.

0:20:020:20:04

No.

0:20:040:20:05

No, Gary, you havenae?

0:20:050:20:08

Gary, you've no' swapped our flight for a later flight for Fishworld tickets?

0:20:080:20:14

Mate, please tell me you've no done that.

0:20:140:20:16

-You better no' have done that.

-Aye...

0:20:160:20:20

But it's Sharkworld.

0:20:220:20:25

VIPs.

0:20:250:20:28

Kings for the day, comfy seats, that's what he said.

0:20:280:20:30

-Who?

-Cammy.

0:20:320:20:36

I was tired.

0:20:360:20:39

He said to me like if his corporal got him tickets for Sharkworld

0:20:390:20:43

-that would have been amazing.

-Ach, ma boy.

0:20:430:20:45

-I thought youse would like it. He never even took the stuff.

-Well, that was good of him(!)

0:20:450:20:50

No, no, no, no!

0:20:500:20:53

So do youse no' want to go?

0:20:570:20:59

No!

0:20:590:21:00

We want to leave here.

0:21:000:21:02

We want to leave this flea-infested shit hole!

0:21:020:21:06

Right.

0:21:070:21:09

What does this Cammy look like?

0:21:090:21:11

Em, he's average height,

0:21:110:21:16

average...build, average hair,

0:21:160:21:20

a man?

0:21:200:21:21

Did you see that 'tache on Jacko's face?

0:21:270:21:29

That is funny.

0:21:290:21:31

C'mon then, cannae stand about all day. C'mon.

0:21:350:21:38

True friends are people who, no matter what happens,

0:21:400:21:46

in any situation, over

0:21:460:21:49

any given time period, in any place in the whole world,

0:21:490:21:55

think you're amazing.

0:21:550:21:57

Ma friends do think I'm amazing.

0:21:590:22:02

So I suppose...

0:22:030:22:05

..they're very lucky to have me.

0:22:060:22:08

Lads, some broken glasses, chewing gum, and mega muff playing cards aren't going to be enough.

0:22:100:22:15

Have to up the stakes with this one.

0:22:150:22:17

Your watch and your iPod for starters.

0:22:170:22:20

Right, I hope you can sleep at night.

0:22:200:22:23

In fact, I hope you don't sleep at night,

0:22:230:22:25

I hope you have like a really restless sleep and need the toilet a lot.

0:22:250:22:28

Cos this is just unbelievable.

0:22:280:22:30

Who was it?

0:22:300:22:32

Was this you?

0:22:320:22:34

-Oh? No.

-Wisnae me.

0:22:340:22:37

I'm allergic to marker pens.

0:22:370:22:38

It willnae come off. Every bastard's pissing themselves at me.

0:22:380:22:42

Who, you?

0:22:420:22:44

The Victorian Freddie Mercury?

0:22:440:22:46

You'd better shave it off before people start asking for requests.

0:22:460:22:49

Did you say anything? I'll shave your balls off, you wee prick.

0:22:490:22:52

Calm doon, Jacko.

0:22:520:22:55

That was a really weird thing to say.

0:22:550:22:56

Right, c'mon Cammy, give us the flight tickets back.

0:22:560:23:00

Cammy?

0:23:000:23:01

Oh, ho, ho.

0:23:010:23:03

Right! Leave it! Enough, Ultimate Warrior!

0:23:030:23:06

I'm sorting this oot.

0:23:060:23:08

What have I got here?

0:23:080:23:10

Enya, Enya, Enya, Sting?

0:23:100:23:14

No, no, that's not going to be enough.

0:23:140:23:17

What, cos of your bad taste in music?

0:23:170:23:20

-Deal's off, guys, enjoy your day out.

-Wait!

0:23:200:23:23

ACDC, Motorhead, not bad.

0:23:370:23:42

Westlife?

0:23:420:23:43

Ma sister put that on.

0:23:450:23:47

-You got a problem with that?

-No, no, no, I don't have a problem with it.

0:23:470:23:50

In fact, I'd love to meet your sister.

0:23:500:23:52

I bet she's gagging to meet me.

0:23:520:23:54

-Right, you...

-Jacko! Jacko!

0:23:540:23:56

Jacko! Leave him, Jacko! Jacko!

0:23:560:24:00

Enough! What the bloody hell is going on here?

0:24:000:24:03

Corporal?

0:24:030:24:04

Em, well you know that thing that you said you didnae want to know aboot? This isnae it.

0:24:040:24:09

I'm glad to hear it isn't the thing I didn't want to know about, because if it was, there'd be a

0:24:090:24:13

real danger that you would not end up where you thought you might be.

0:24:130:24:16

-Is that good or bad?

-Bad.

0:24:160:24:18

Ergo, I'll have you all taken off the flight lists and you'll be stuck here. Would you like that? Hmm?

0:24:180:24:24

-Would you?

-ALL: No.

0:24:240:24:25

I think there's been a slight misunderstanding here.

0:24:250:24:28

Or not.

0:24:280:24:29

As the case may be.

0:24:290:24:31

Because actually we're all on the same flights as we were on all along.

0:24:310:24:37

Isn't that right, Mr Cammy?

0:24:370:24:39

Thanks for the birthday present, lads! They never forget.

0:24:520:24:56

I'm just glad I didn't see anything.

0:24:560:24:58

Must have been distracted by not having any cards to play bridge with this evening.

0:24:580:25:01

Oh, we've got cards.

0:25:010:25:04

Aw, right!

0:25:040:25:08

Farewell, my crusty queens.

0:25:120:25:14

I look forward to playing with them. Hmm, nice moustache, soldier.

0:25:140:25:18

-Thank you, sir.

-Happy landings, chaps.

0:25:180:25:20

Cheers.

0:25:200:25:21

See ya, wouldnae want to be ya,

0:25:280:25:31

enjoy your flight oot ay here!

0:25:310:25:35

-iPOD PLAYS

-What?

0:25:350:25:36

-I said, em...

-What?

0:25:360:25:39

It doesnae matter. Doesn't matter.

0:25:390:25:42

Well, I think it's fair to say thanks

0:25:440:25:47

to Gary and his quick thinking, we managed to change the flights.

0:25:470:25:51

Aye, back to the ones we had in the first place.

0:25:510:25:54

And they got all our stuff.

0:25:540:25:57

No everything.

0:25:570:25:58

We're kings for the day, lads.

0:26:040:26:07

Kings for the day. Comfy seats.

0:26:070:26:12

MUSIC: "American Idiot" by Green Day

0:26:140:26:17

# Don't want to be an American idiot

0:26:190:26:22

# Don't want a nation under the new media

0:26:240:26:27

# And can you hear the sound of hysteria?

0:26:300:26:32

# The subliminal mind ... America.

0:26:350:26:37

# Welcome to a new kind of tension

0:26:390:26:42

# All across the alien nation

0:26:420:26:45

# Where everything isn't meant to be OK

0:26:450:26:49

# Television dreams of tomorrow We're not the ones... #

0:26:500:26:54

Gary, it's not that difficult.

0:26:540:26:56

I keep Charlie awake, Charlie keeps Adam awake, Adam keeps you awake and you keep me awake. Right?

0:26:570:27:04

Right. Cool.

0:27:040:27:07

Are you awake?

0:27:090:27:12

Aye.

0:27:120:27:14

Right, aye, I was

0:27:140:27:15

just testing what I would say.

0:27:150:27:17

Right.

0:27:200:27:23

Night-night.

0:27:230:27:24

Calm down.

0:27:270:27:28

I'm just...

0:27:310:27:32

HE SINGS INDISTINCTLY

0:27:440:27:49

This is the final call for four numpties to board their Crab Air flight tae Cyprus.

0:28:060:28:13

No?

0:28:160:28:17

Gate closed.

0:28:190:28:22

HELICOPTER OVERHEAD

0:28:220:28:25

# Sail away, sail away, sail away

0:28:260:28:29

# Sail away, sail away, sail away

0:28:290:28:34

# Sail away, sail away, sail away... #

0:28:340:28:39

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:560:28:59

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0:28:590:29:02

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