Checkout Gary: Tank Commander

-Hai!

-Hai!

-Hai!

-Hai!

-Hai!

-Hai!

-Hiya!

-Hiya!

HUM OF CHATTER

Stand easy.

OK, chaps, first up, huge congrats.

Mission, er, done.

Now I know we're all looking forward to getting home soon to see Mummy, but unfortunately...

Oh, God...

Oh... I'm a little

bit under the... Sergeant, I'll leave you... Oh.

Thank you, Captain. A rousing send-off indeed.

Best of luck.

OK, beetroots, listen up.

Your 48 hours of decompression awaits

and I know you're more desperate to go than my incontinent grandmother.

However, thanks to the delay caused by

Tony Taliban and his terrible chums, your Crab Air flight to Cyprus has been filled and has now departed.

GRUMBLING

Naw! I swear to God I've had it up to here with Anthony Taliban.

Well said, Corporal. The Tony Ts are total dicks.

How would they feel if we delayed them to their flight to Cyprus?

I'm sure they wouldnae be too fussed, they're quite a homely bunch really.

Aye, they don't stay at home enough for me.

This is a nightmare.

I'm meant to be meeting Big Glenda the medic in Cyprus for a special examination.

As in, first come, first served, Glenda?

First served, first come, ma boy!

Shut up! Now I suggest you lot make the most of the concrete floor and get some kip.

Updates will be given on a need-to-know basis. Of course, you lot...

ALL: Don't need to know.

At ease. Oh, what a relief.

Back chimney swept. Now, I take it, Sergeant, you've told the

men about you and I, er, you know?

WOLF WHISTLE

Thank you, Captain, I was just getting to it.

Due to important MoD business, Captain Fanshaw and I won't be

joining you on the flight out as we've been asked to meet and greet a visiting dignitary.

Ross Kemp. So there you are.

Looking forward to it.

Right, at ease.

You heard the Captain, carry on.

Ross Kemp?

-Dignitary my arse.

-At least he comes out.

-Has he come out?

-Aye aye.

I dinnae mind Ross Kemp, it's his brother I don't like - Phil.

He looks like a Scotch egg.

I hate eggs, Scotch or foreign.

You mean Phil Mitchell?

Aye, his brother.

Ross Kemp and his brother Phil Mitchell?

All right then, his half brother.

I couldnae really tell you what's happened to the war on terror.

I think it's still going.

It's a bit like that soap, Doctors.

It's still on, but naebody's really interested in it.

I mean, is it really too much to ask to get here on time, get on

the flight, have a sleep, wake up in Cyprus, have a brilliant time, win a scratch card and go home?

Is that too much to ask? Was it?

-Seems pretty reasonable to me.

-I cannae wait to get back.

I'm gonnae get pished and laid, in that order.

-Lucky her.

-Aye.

-See when I get back, I just want to sit down with a cup of tea and read the paper.

What, then go down the Post Office and pick up your pension?

Hope it's raining and all, I like that cool drizzle on my face.

I fancy a run up the back woods.

-Drizzle and a run? Are youse kidding me?

-Naw.

A run when it's no burning my lungs?

-Cool air. Nice.

-Aye, you willnae be saying that in a week.

You'll be wishing you were back here on Operation Burnt Coupon!

Aye, youse have completed that mission, eh?

-Look at the state of youse.

-What are you saying?

You were the one panic tanning. I'm bronzed.

With me, the tan transition's usually about 72 hours. So by Wednesday, all this will be brown.

Eh, you're talking broon.

In 72 hours you'll still be talking broon.

Anyway, you keep up that good chat, Charlie ma boy, cos I'm wanting some kip.

Fail.

Night-night ladies, sleep tight.

Dinnae let the big massive Afghan bugs bite.

Like...

MUSIC: "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" by Beyonce

-# All the single ladies

-All the single ladies

-# All the single ladies

-All the single ladies

-# All the single ladies,

-All the single ladies

# All the single ladies Now put your hands up

# Up in the club, we just broke up

# I'm doing my own little thing

# You decided to dip And now you want a trip

# Cos another brother noticed me

# I'm up on him He up on me

# Don't pay him any attention

# Just cried my tears for three good years

# You can't be mad at me

# Cos if you liked it Then you should have put a ring on it

# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

# Don't be mad once you see That he want it

# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

# Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it... #

MUSIC: "Orinoco Flow" by Enya FAINTLY FROM iPOD

GARY SINGS TUNELESSLY: # Oh-oh-oh sail away, sail away

# Sail a... Oh-oh-oh

# Sail away, sail away, sail... #

-What is it?

-You. Stop singing.

I'm trying to get a kip.

I wasn't singing.

I was having a nice dream there.

What aboot?

Massive 99

with a flake that was the size of a log.

And the boy only charged me 20p.

Then he was a squirrel,

then he woke me up.

That's funny - I was thinking of a 69.

Wi' Glenda.

Wi' your tiny flake?

I've never had a 69.

Always a 99.

Always a flake. Sometimes with hundreds and thousands.

SNIGGERING

What?

No. I cannae sleep.

I cannae do a back flip. What do you want me to do about it?

I was just thinking, some of it was all right, yeah?

Aye, last week with Gary getting that beastin' off Thomson. That was brilliant.

I thought he was going to end you.

So did I.

Did you do it?

Naw. Mebbe.

It was fun, eh?

Superglue.

Just his face, it was redder than a skelped arse, eh?

Aye - it didnae help his big baldy burnt coupon. He was like that,

"Corporal McLintoch, while you may think it's funny to leave superglue

"on the lavvy bowl, I can assure you, if I had proof, I would court martial you for being a total bam.

"You're so stupid you remind me of my wife, who's a pure... "

(Ahem! Thomson!)

"..and innocent lady." That's what I said to my uncle after I played that,

you know, trick on him which I've never played on anyone, ever since, you know.

And the reason he called me Corporal - because he was mental, he thought I was in the Army.

Oh!

Sergeant Thomson.

What a lovely surprise.

A few years ago, there was a boy in my platoon thought he was a joker.

A real funny guy. But he wasn't.

He wasn't funny at all.

So one day we sorted him out.

Do you want to know what we did?

Bought him a joke book?

Aye, a joke book to the hospital.

Think on!

Right, muppets, your allocated flight will leave at 0600 hours.

GRUMBLING

Come on, Sarge, I'm on a promise. Is there nae other flights?

There is a flight leaving shortly, but it is full.

So it looks like your tuppenny hoor will not be seeing your white arse and your burnt noggin' quite yet.

Sorry Sarge, can I just check...

Is it full as in full, or full like, ken,

with a cinema when it's full, but oh, look, there's loads of seats?

Full as in full. As in you are full of pish. Understood?

Yes, Sarge. Thank you.

-12 hours?

-And seven minutes.

I swear, if there was like a war Points of View, I would complain.

-Twice.

-Come on, boys, there's got to be another way of getting' on that flight. Ma baws are burstin'.

-We just need to barter.

-We cannae batter folk for the tickets.

No, barter. As in exchange of goods.

What, as in... Are you talking about like swapsies?

Aye? I'm up for that, aye, that's what I am, I'm up for that, you ken what I mean?

Need, need, need, got, got, get on that plane, we're away, that's it. Well, let's do it then. Let's do it.

What've we got? Get your kit out for the lads, let's see it.

Porn cards, a book, a packet of chewing gum and a couple of pens.

That wouldn't get us on the bus.

That would take ages anyway. What about your iPod?

What about yours?

-I cannae find it.

-Shut up.

-I swear.

-Pocket.

-Aw thanks, I was looking for that. Ach, cannae.

Come on, I've put my cards in.

Aye, cards isn't the same as an iPod.

They're classics, they don't make them like that any mair. 100% natural. Look, nae trimmin'.

The cards are all right.

Some other wee chugger will take them.

The iPods are a last resort.

I'll end up killing Charlie if I have to listen to his chat on the plane.

Hold on, you've only put an old pair of cracked sunglasses in.

Aye, what're you saying?

-You only put a book in.

-A book?

War and Peace is no' just a book.

Aye it is, front cover, back cover, pages in the middle. It's a book.

-Have you read it?

-I don't need to read it.

It's War and Peace, I ken all aboot that. Why are you even reading it?

It's on my list of 50 things to do before I'm 25.

-What number are you at?

-18.

-19. Shut it.

Right, who is the target for this?

-Erm...

-Do you know any of the RAF bods?

-No. How?

-They're in charge of the flights.

Oh, I know, the RAF bods.

They're in charge of the flights. Just take it right to the top.

Take them the bag of swag, Bob's your auntie, Jeff's your new stepdad.

Good idea.

Four tickets, mind.

First class.

I'll dae mair than that.

I'll get you four tickets in pure class.

Knock, knock.

Knock, knock.

Yes?

Em, are you like, to do with the flights and that?

Well, I hope so. I work for the RAF.

Flight Lieutenant Bradshaw. You are?

Corporal Gary McLintoch, Army.

Was there something in particular?

Em, well, like,

me and the boys, like...

We love the RAF, honestly.

We think it's like the best part of the Army that flies.

And, em, I was just wondering...

-..do you like cards?

-Playing cards?

I play bridge when I can.

-And have you ever read War and Peace?

-Yes. In the original Russian.

Well, you'll love this then, it's in easy to read English.

SPEAKS RUSSIAN

Great. Thanks.

Do you eat chewing gum?

Yes. Mostly after onions.

You intae graffiti?

-Not really.

-Never mind.

You have been selected for a free prize draw on one condition.

That you do a swapsies for me and my boys to get on the next flight.

Corporal, while I appreciate your offer I'm afraid I don't accept bribes.

Although the cards would come in handy. For bridge.

All right then, why don't you keep the cards,

but what if I gave you these as well and you accepted them,

and in exchange you let us on to the next flight?

That would still be a bribe.

-What about an iPod?

-Still a bribe.

-Right.

Look, if you were to swap your wares for flight tickets with

some of the other soldiers, without my knowledge, and without incident, and I do mean without incident,

then that would be a matter for your concern.

-Right, so you don't want to know that I'm going to swap these for, like, tickets for flights?

-No.

-So I shouldn't have told you.

-No, that's fine.

-Right. Should I tell someone else?

-No. Discussion over.

Good luck.

With nothing.

Cheers, em, Grand Master Flight Lieutenant...Bradshaw.

Good effort though, Corporal. Can't fault you for trying to get your men home quicker.

-Just want to get back, eh?

-Aye.

It's the wee things that you miss.

For me it's a 69 and a flake.

Cheers.

Do youse want to swap your flights?

I've got playing cards, a book and some chewing gum.

Nah.

LAUGHTER

Aye, youse are laughing now,

but you willnae be laughing on the plane...

to Cyprus.

Swapsies, swap your flight, flight your swap.

Swap it, swap it, doubler, need, need, got?

Swap your flight? Flight your swaps. Swap it, swap it, doubler, doubler, need, come on now.

War and Peace? You'll no get fleeced. Into your Tolstoy?

Give me four tickets for my boys.

Chewing gum? Good for diges-tion.

Doesnae bother me, I'll get masel a private jet.

See you there, eh?

Here, mate.

-Word is you're looking to swap your flights?

-Aye.

Great, so am I.

Brilliant. Right what do you want?

I'll give you all this. Not just the stuff but the bag as well.

No, no, no, you're fine, I don't want any of that.

Nothin'? You beauty.

In fact, I'm going to give you something.

-Aye?

-What's your name?

-Gary.

Very pleased to meet you, Gary. Cammy.

Now, Gary, what would you say if I was to tell you that in my pocket

I had four tickets to Sharkworld?

I'd probably say, "What's Sharkworld?"

In fact, that's what I'm going to go with. What is Sharkworld?

I'll tell you exactly what it is.

It's amazing, that's what it is.

Imagine a place full of sharks.

Does that sound good to you?

It depends. Am I like in wi' them?

-No.

-Then it does sound good.

Would it sound even better if I told you I had four VIP tickets, best comfy seats in the house

at Cyprus's premier aquatic attraction?

Sharkworld.

VIP tickets and comfy seats?

Aye, that sounds even better.

So, you would give me four seats onto your flight

-and give me four VIP tickets.

-To Sharkworld.

You've said it, that's the deal.

Brilliant. Hold on, when's your flight?

Some time later tomorrow afternoon, but come on, never mind about that.

We were just saying, we were just saying, how good it would be to be VIP kings for the day.

Naw, mate, naw, I cannae. No if your flight's after mine.

No, no, fair enough.

I was just thinking, you know, with you being VIP kings for the day you wouldn't be in a rush,

because VIPs don't rush. Do they?

Naw.

What's a couple of hours to a bunch of guys to chat,

relax and talk about how amazing Sharkworld's going to be?

It is, it's going to be amazing.

I wish you were my corporal. I wish you were my corporal.

If I'd been a lower rank and my corporal had come to me and said I've got four VIP tickets to...

-Sharkworld.

-I'd be that chuffed. I'd be like, "I cannot believe it, VIPs, we're going to be kings for a day."

Aye, we're gonnae be like kings for the day...

at Sharkworld. Comfy seats. The boys are gonnae love this. Aye, all right then, let's do it.

Thanks.

Aye.

The problem with the Middle East, right, is that cos it's hot,

all year round and the leaders have got to wear suits all the time, they get irritated, like mair easily.

See, don't get me wrong, like, I love the heat.

I soak it up like a wet sun sponge, eh,

but if I had to wear a suit every day and meet folk I didnae like,

you'd just be like, "Ah, no, I'm roasting, this is daein ma heid in.

"Just bomb them. I'm heading back to the hoose to get ma shorts on and hit ma pool, eh?"

You would, eh?

See, it just shows.

The sun is really powerful.

In more ways than we knew.

Lads, lads, lads, get up, get up, get up, get up.

-You swapped the seats?

-I certainly did. I like that.

Ya beauty, Gary, c'mon move it.

No, no, not yet, in a bit.

-What d'you mean?

-Just give me a minute, Stromboli,

cos I've got some rather exciting news.

We're on the flight. When's it leaving?

Don't worry about that, we've got ages. To chat.

Ach, it's no been delayed has it?

Right. I, Gary, your favourite corporal, has managed to get his

hands on no' one, no' two, no' three, no' five,

but four VIP tickets to...

Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?

-Anyone?

-Hurry up.

Only Cyprus's favourite aquatic

premier destination attraction - Sharkworld.

Aye, very good, but did you get us on the next flight?

No, I swapped our seats for a later flight. But are you no' listening to me?

Four VIP tickets to Sharkworld.

As in THE Sharkworld.

What are you talking about? What later flight?

It leaves like a couple of hours after ours, but what does that matter, eh?

We don't need to rush.

We're VIPs.

No.

No, Gary, you havenae?

Gary, you've no' swapped our flight for a later flight for Fishworld tickets?

Mate, please tell me you've no done that.

-You better no' have done that.

-Aye...

But it's Sharkworld.

VIPs.

Kings for the day, comfy seats, that's what he said.

-Who?

-Cammy.

I was tired.

He said to me like if his corporal got him tickets for Sharkworld

-that would have been amazing.

-Ach, ma boy.

-I thought youse would like it. He never even took the stuff.

-Well, that was good of him(!)

No, no, no, no!

So do youse no' want to go?

No!

We want to leave here.

We want to leave this flea-infested shit hole!

Right.

What does this Cammy look like?

Em, he's average height,

average...build, average hair,

a man?

Did you see that 'tache on Jacko's face?

That is funny.

C'mon then, cannae stand about all day. C'mon.

True friends are people who, no matter what happens,

in any situation, over

any given time period, in any place in the whole world,

think you're amazing.

Ma friends do think I'm amazing.

So I suppose...

..they're very lucky to have me.

Lads, some broken glasses, chewing gum, and mega muff playing cards aren't going to be enough.

Have to up the stakes with this one.

Your watch and your iPod for starters.

Right, I hope you can sleep at night.

In fact, I hope you don't sleep at night,

I hope you have like a really restless sleep and need the toilet a lot.

Cos this is just unbelievable.

Who was it?

Was this you?

-Oh? No.

-Wisnae me.

I'm allergic to marker pens.

It willnae come off. Every bastard's pissing themselves at me.

Who, you?

The Victorian Freddie Mercury?

You'd better shave it off before people start asking for requests.

Did you say anything? I'll shave your balls off, you wee prick.

Calm doon, Jacko.

That was a really weird thing to say.

Right, c'mon Cammy, give us the flight tickets back.

Cammy?

Oh, ho, ho.

Right! Leave it! Enough, Ultimate Warrior!

I'm sorting this oot.

What have I got here?

Enya, Enya, Enya, Sting?

No, no, that's not going to be enough.

What, cos of your bad taste in music?

-Deal's off, guys, enjoy your day out.

-Wait!

ACDC, Motorhead, not bad.

Westlife?

Ma sister put that on.

-You got a problem with that?

-No, no, no, I don't have a problem with it.

In fact, I'd love to meet your sister.

I bet she's gagging to meet me.

-Right, you...

-Jacko! Jacko!

Jacko! Leave him, Jacko! Jacko!

Enough! What the bloody hell is going on here?

Corporal?

Em, well you know that thing that you said you didnae want to know aboot? This isnae it.

I'm glad to hear it isn't the thing I didn't want to know about, because if it was, there'd be a

real danger that you would not end up where you thought you might be.

-Is that good or bad?

-Bad.

Ergo, I'll have you all taken off the flight lists and you'll be stuck here. Would you like that? Hmm?

-Would you?

-ALL: No.

I think there's been a slight misunderstanding here.

Or not.

As the case may be.

Because actually we're all on the same flights as we were on all along.

Isn't that right, Mr Cammy?

Thanks for the birthday present, lads! They never forget.

I'm just glad I didn't see anything.

Must have been distracted by not having any cards to play bridge with this evening.

Oh, we've got cards.

Aw, right!

Farewell, my crusty queens.

I look forward to playing with them. Hmm, nice moustache, soldier.

-Thank you, sir.

-Happy landings, chaps.

Cheers.

See ya, wouldnae want to be ya,

enjoy your flight oot ay here!

-iPOD PLAYS

-What?

-I said, em...

-What?

It doesnae matter. Doesn't matter.

Well, I think it's fair to say thanks

to Gary and his quick thinking, we managed to change the flights.

Aye, back to the ones we had in the first place.

And they got all our stuff.

No everything.

We're kings for the day, lads.

Kings for the day. Comfy seats.

MUSIC: "American Idiot" by Green Day

# Don't want to be an American idiot

# Don't want a nation under the new media

# And can you hear the sound of hysteria?

# The subliminal mind ... America.

# Welcome to a new kind of tension

# All across the alien nation

# Where everything isn't meant to be OK

# Television dreams of tomorrow We're not the ones... #

Gary, it's not that difficult.

I keep Charlie awake, Charlie keeps Adam awake, Adam keeps you awake and you keep me awake. Right?

Right. Cool.

Are you awake?

Aye.

Right, aye, I was

just testing what I would say.

Right.

Night-night.

Calm down.

I'm just...

HE SINGS INDISTINCTLY

This is the final call for four numpties to board their Crab Air flight tae Cyprus.

No?

Gate closed.

HELICOPTER OVERHEAD

# Sail away, sail away, sail away

# Sail away, sail away, sail away

# Sail away, sail away, sail away... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]