Tank Goodness Gary: Tank Commander

Push my boy! Push my boy!

Go on yourself, Jacko!

What...? Why did you do that, eh?

What's the point?

It's supposed to be a competition!

Ahhhhhh!

-MUSIC ON RADIO

-Aw, this is a tune. Get it up.

# That you give me no reason That you're making me work so hard

# That you give me no That you give me no

# That you give me That you give me no

# That you give me no soul

# I hear you calling

# Oh baby, ple-ease

# Give a little respect

# To-o me-e... #

That's my phone. Get that, would you, please?

Hello, National Geographic.

Yes, Sarge, it's me. Gary's driving.

Incredibly well.

-Aye, not too far.

-Tell him we're an hour and a half away.

-But we're only 20 minutes away.

-Aye, but he doesnae ken that.

Just put it on speaker phone then.

-Hello, British Embassy?

-'Where are youse?'

Eh, Sarge, we are currently stuck in traffic, but don't worry,

in about an hour and forty minutes, you shall receive your ham shank.

'My ham shank?'

Tank. Aye, Sarge, the roads are really bad here, worse than Kabul, honestly, it's that slow.

-We just got overtaken by a bollard.

-'You are talking bollards!

-'I want that tank in the hangar in less than one hour.'

-Yes, Sarge.

'And don't even think about stopping to stuff your fat face!'

You hear that, Charlie? Don't worry, Sarge, I just told him.

It was his idea the last time as well.

'Pull your fingers out because we're taking the TNK over to the Castle tonight.'

Hey Sarge, how come we're no' getting to do the Tattoo?

'Because the Queen thinks youse are tools! And so do I.

'Over and shiteing out.'

Love you.

Oh, eh, lads, we're actually looking quite low on fuel

so I suggest we stop, you know.

For... # C-H-I-P-S

# I'm talking C-H-I-P-S

# They are C for crispy

-# H

-For wholesome

-# I

-Amazing

-# P

-Perfection

-# S

-S-Ships... #

-Come on, Jack... # Sing it. #

-No.

-I said... # Sing it. #

-Nuh.

Come on... # Sing it He's not singing it. #

# Oooh, oooh, oooh

# C-H-I-P-S... #

Well, the Queen, eh, Her Majesty,

God rest her soul, peace be upon her, I think is a brilliant boss.

Em, cos she's never really there, you never really see her, eh?

So she doesnae shout at you or that, I dinnae get into trouble.

I've never been called into her office, eh? And she's like that, "Aye, what's your game?"

Like, she's all right. And a pal of mine actually met her oot, you know, she came oot,

and he said that she's got a wee tattoo of a tweety bird on her wrist.

But you cannae see it just cos of the angles and that.

And she's got gloves so it covers it up.

So I was thinking, "Well, she must be all right, eh?"

She drinks Newkie Broon as well.

Oot the bottle. That's what he said.

She gets my vote.

Don't think you can... You cannae vote for her, can you?

-You cannae park here.

-I'm no' parking here, Thomas Traffic Warden. I'm dropping you off.

-You get the orders in, we'll park up, saves time.

-How come it's always me?

Because you're the chosen one. By me. Now take the orders.

-Full Scottish.

-Full Scottish.

Full plate of chips. Ta.

SLAMS DOOR

Ooooooooo!

-Somebody phone the AA, that boy's about to have a breakdown!

-Aye.

He does get wound up that easily, eh?

Afghanistan's still clearly a combat zone, but our role primarily

-is to facilitate more of the structural changes.

-That's nice, son. I think that's you.

-All right?

-Good timing.

Now can we please get this down us and head?

Once I address a certain pomme fries situation.

Em, hiya.

-What's your name?

-Depends who's asking.

Em, I am. Gary? I'm asking?

Betty. Betty King.

Betty King. Now that is a name fit for a queen.

-Do you think so?

-No doubt about it.

Betty, I think even the non-chip connoisseur among us would admit that,

whilst a decent attempt, this isn't quite a PLATE o' chips.

I have put extra on already.

Come on, how's about another, er, chip on the block?

All right. Seeing as my Bobby likes his chips. He's ex forces.

Oh aye? What's he up to now? Security guard?

No, he thinks he's the boss of this place. But he's no'. I am.

Sounds like my sergeant.

He thinks that he's the boss... but he's no'. I am.

Ta. As we say in the Army, may the forces be with you.

Bon appetit.

Gracias.

MUSIC: Telephone by Lady Gaga # Hello, hello, baby

# You called, I can't hear a thing

# I have got no service in the club You see, see

# Wha-Wha-What did you say?

# Oh, you're breaking up on me

# Sorry, I cannot hear you I'm kinda busy

# K-Kinda busy, k-kinda busy

# Sorry, I cannot hear you I'm kinda busy

# Just a second It's my favourite song they're gonna play

# And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, eh

# You shoulda made some plans with me

# You knew that I was free

# And now you won't stop calling me I'm kinda busy

# Stop callin', stop callin'

# I don't wanna think anymore

# I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor

# Stop callin', stop callin'

# I don't wanna talk anymore

# I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor

# Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh Stop telephonin' me!

# Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh I'm busy!

# Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh Stop telephonin' me!

# Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh... #

Charlie, there's no point in rushing.

Rushing only leads to indigestion, indigestion only leads to heartburn,

and heartburn only leads to heart attacks.

So, dessert, anyone?

-What have they got?

-Right, OK, fine, I'm no' bothered.

-Doesnae natter.

-Right, come on then, let's go.

-Charlie needs his bed, he's getting a wee bit tired.

-I'm no' tired.

Well, I'm tired of you. Let's go outside then, get you in your seat.

-Where is it?

-It's there.

-No, hold on a minute. Where is it?

-Shit!

-This isnae right.

-You have got to be joking.

-No, youse have got to be joking.

-Right, Charlie, that's it, joke's over. Where's the tank?

How am I supposed to know? I was in getting the orders.

-No!

-Bastard!

-No!

I cannae believe this. I knew we shouldnae have stopped.

-I'm calling it in.

-Who to?

-The police.

Hello, police, please.

Hello, I'd like to report a missing tank.

Ahhhhhh!

Sorry, misunderstanding.

-Youse are arseholes!

-Aye.

You should have seen your wee ratty face! Funny.

"Hello I'd like to report a missing tank."

-The polis, what are they going to do?

-Ya plum!

Could you describe the vehicle?

Aye, very funny.

Seriously though, you can't play a practical joke with MOD property. It's not ours to mess around with.

Come on, my girl, we'll just pop roon' and get it. And we'll change your wee nappy.

Watch oot, Gary's aboot.

# Watch oot, Gary's aboot

# You'd better watch oot Cos Gary's aboot. #

Aw, ma boys.

Hold on.

Is it...? No!

Aye, very funny.

-You can only play that shitey joke once.

-That wasnae a shitey joke.

-Neither is this.

-It was here though, eh?

Aye, it was here. It's no' now.

-You're no', like, doing a Beadle now?

-Naw.

No. I didnae think so. Right, lads,

I think it's fair to say we have got 99 problems, and a tank is one.

-Suggestions?

-I know a second hand motor dealer.

I could gie him a bell and see if he's heard anything.

Right, I think we can hold off calling Arnold Clark.

We need to hit the road, head north, see if we can catch it up.

Unless they've gone south?

Right, well, let's all just stand roon' here then, eh?

Let's hope it falls fae the sky!

No, we cannae dae that.

Right, Charlie, you just stop being you for a minute and, Jacko, put your anger beans back in the tin.

Right? What we're going to dae is, youse two head north in the truck, see if you can catch it up, right?

-Me and Jacko will try and get our hands on another motor.

-Right.

And what if we see it? The tank?

All right, well, if you see it, that's it. Mission complete.

Just give yourself the rest of the day off. Ya muppet! Dae what you need to do to get it back here.

Regrets?

I wouldnae say I've got any regrets.

Except...

I bought a shirt a few months back,

and I wasnae sure about it in the shop, and then I got it home

and I never liked it but I never took it back.

I regret that.

Cos I'd kept the receipt.

I always keep receipts, ken, just in case, but I never took it back.

So...

Aye, I suppose I've got more regrets than I thought.

I've got a lot of receipts as well.

Well, it's green, it's got like a big long gun barrel on it?

A bit like a tank? No? All right.

Thanks.

-Oh, excuse me...

-Not interested.

Funny.

Dingied!

Excuse me, excuse me, have you seen a tank?

Do you want maybe take... take them off?

Take them...

Right, OK, right, fine.

If you see a tank, will you come and let me... Will you let me know?

Right, OK, thank you.

Sorry, I'm sorry I'm late, I was making this.

Are you joking?

Jacko! I thought I drew it quite well.

I've never drawn a tank before. It's no' as easy as it looks.

It's all right for youse, youse can probably draw tanks good cos you're always with them.

No' all the time. Why's my mobile number on that?

Eh, what use would a lost tank poster be without a contact number?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, Westminster?

No, it's me, Gary.

You know where the tank is?

Up your arse. Brilliant.

Cheers for that. Bye.

-Is that a lead?

-No, Julie, not really. Not something we should be following up.

Well, hopefully we'll get something better. I put up as many as I could.

Oh, brilliant.

Jacko, I'm only trying to help, it's no' my fault youse lost your tank.

Fair play, you're right. We have lost a tank.

We have. We've lost a tank.

Oops!

-Come on!

-Oh my actual, actual God.

Are we going on a tank hunt? Have you got a net? Imagine, "Whoa!

"I've got a tank in my net! Whooo! It's a live one! Whooo!"

-Julie...

-"Help me wi' my net, I've caught a tank. Whooo!"

Julie, calm down.

I know, sorry, but this is more exciting than the time we lost my cat and went looking for it.

-Did you ever find it?

-No. But looking for it was fun.

Aaah!

Wooooh!

Wooh!

-You'd think we'd be able to spot a tank.

-I almost did.

-Julie, that was a bin lorry.

-At least it was green.

-It was brown.

Eh, there's brown in camouflage.

Julie, we can't take back a bin lorry and claim it's a tank.

Well, at least I'm trying. Youse didn't even think anything looked like a tank.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, Democratic Republic of Congo.

No, it's me, Gary.

Aye, closest thing we spotted was a bin lorry, an' aw.

It's like trying to spot a cat amongst the pigeons.

You just head back to the services, right, we'll see you there.

All right, right, bye.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, speaking clock. ..No, it's me, Gary. ..You've seen the tank?

Right, it's up your arse? Right, OK.

Thanks for that. Cheers. Bye!

-We are properly f...

-Jacko!

Franced.

Properly Franced.

Well done.

Right. I've no' had to do this since I thought I saw a yeti.

Hello, police, please.

Hi, I'd like to report a missing tank.

-Any luck?

-Right, even you must know what a stupid question that is.

Either the tank has been nicked or it's done a Herbie on us. Either way, we're late.

We need to tell Thomson.

-Shite! Shite, shite!

-Shite!

Boys, this is the real deal. We're in the tom tit.

That's it, we've lost a tank. I cannot believe this.

Don't even think about greetin'!

I'm no'...

Right, I know what I'll dae.

I'll buy us some more time.

Hello, Sergeant Thomson? It's me, Gary.

Eh, listen, we might be a bit late, we've got a bit of a problem.

We've got a flat tyre.

Aye.

It's really flat.

No, no, no, the tank's fine. No, no, it's right in front of me.

It's a beauty, aye.

No, no, we'll fix it, it's fine.

No, you don't need to come down, don't come down.

I know you can make your own shiteing decisions, sorry.

Yes, I'm an idiot.

Right.

Right, OK.

Aye, we're at Northgate Services.

Right, see you shortly. Bye.

-Naw.

-Aye.

-Brilliant.

-Ooof.

-Yikes.

-Excuse me, hen.

Excuse me, hen. Excuse me. Excuse me, hen.

I see you're currently parked across a couple of disabled spaces.

I'm afraid you'll need to move it.

How do you know it's mine? Are you psychic?

-No, love, Big Brother.

-Why did you have to tell him, Jacko?

You know I don't like driving and parking.

I think he means CCTV.

As in Candid Camera.

Bobby. Bobby, Bob...

Bobby King, you're the manager?

-That's me, son.

-As in Bobby King, the famous, eh, war hero?

I was a clerk, I worked in accounts.

Well, you're a hero for getting folks paid, eh?

Aye. Listen, is there any chance, you know, as like one bona fide

war hero to another we can maybe meet your, er, Big Brother?

Follow me.

Eh, car!

That's...that's where I parked it.

There youse are.

-Parked it up quite nice, eh?

-I didn't know what was going on.

But see, ex Army. I know what it's like. Ask no questions.

It looked like Operation Truckswap.

B-B-Bobby, pause it, please.

No way.

Thomson.

-Talk about a stitch up.

-He must have broke some employment laws with this.

-Aye, hold on a minute. I'll just call the union rep.

-Your sergeant?

He tailed us. Told us not to stop.

Oh God. He's on his way.

To help us change a tyre. He's toying wi' us.

Boys, this is going to be the mother of all beastings.

Aye? I might watch.

And we're just going to have to sit there and take it.

No.

Gary GD McLintoch doesnae sit down for anyone.

I just wish we had a tank.

Then he couldn't say, "Oh youse have lost the tank". "No, we havenae. Exhibit T, the tank."

But, Gary, we don't have a tank.

He must have it back in the barracks.

The barracks. He'll have it at the barracks.

Right, all we need to do is get up to the barracks,

get the tank and get it back here before he gets back. Eh?

ABC, easy as 1234. Come on!

If I wrote a book,

it would be called...

..Gary How Do You Do It?

It'd basically be a book about how I do stuff.

Loads of stuff.

Is that how you're going to march at the Tattoo?

I've seen more co-ordinated epileptic fits!

I'll be back in an hour and it better be sorted.

HE SINGS CHEERILY

Right, let's bolt.

I thought I was going to pee myself.

-Whit?

-Back there. I thought I was going to pee myself.

when I was wee, hide and seek, when folk were looking for me, I always thought I was going to pee myself.

But we won that one, eh?

-He wasn't looking for us.

-Aye, I know, but we totally won.

Yeah, well, we've no' won yet. He's on the road already.

I cannae wait to see his face.

We'll beat him at his own game.

His own rubbish game that he made up, but, hey, what does it matter?

We've totally won. Yes!

Aye, we did report the tank missing, right?

But then we found it. See?

But in future, right, we'll only ever contact you as a very, very last resort.

-All right?

-Aye, go on, get tae.

Right. Cheers, OK.

Right, you phone the boys, tell them they've got to distract Thomson, right?

Doesn't matter how, they've just got to do it. Keys, where's my keys?

Got them. Honestly, sometimes I think I'd lose my head if it was a set of keys.

-Help! Help!

-What is it?

The kitchen, the kitchen, please!

If you could just come in the... em...

Oh, you...you look so strong.

-Could you open this jar for me?

-Eh?

All right. Course.

There you go.

You made that look so easy. Could you open this one for me as well?

-Please?

-Aye, OK.

-Right...

-Em, what about this?

Look, dear, even my wife can open a tin, and she's an idiot.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Sergeant! Sergeant Thomson?

-Aye.

-It's me. Bobby.

-Bobby King, remember?

-No, should I?

-Course.

-In '87, I was pals with Johnny No Hands. Remember him?

-Johnny No Hands?

No. I think you've got me confused with some other nutter.

What about, eh, Danny Big Gums? Did you no' serve with him?

-No.

-What about...you know...

him, eh, Davey? Davey - a real hero.

-Davey, Davey, Davey, what was his....? Eh, Davey.

-Davey who?

You know, Davey. Davey Davey.

Big, eh, from, eh, the, eh, Army.

Served in the, eh, Army.

I know a Sergeant Davey Price.

That's him. Sergeant Davey Davey Price.

Davey Davey Quite Contrary Price, eh?

-What's he doing now?

-Now?

He's Angie Price.

Now if you don't mind.

What about Harry Nae Heid?

See, the difference is, when I was younger, "radical"

meant that something was good.

Like, you'd say "Oh, that's pure rad."

I think it was actually Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that came up with that.

But, see, that just shows how the use of words can change.

Like, from "totally radical, man", to "totally radical Islam".

I mean, honestly, who would have thought that that would have come out of a cartoon about turtles?

But I suppose, like, they four turtles were on their own kind of sewer jihad.

And, weirdly, Splinter, the guy that used to lead them,

he looked a bit like Osama,

with his beard and that, eh?

And his stick.

Nae wonder that's no' on any more.

Excuse me, em, could you spare a few pennies?

We're collecting for injured bin men.

What?

-You're Julie Jackson.

-I know!

Right! Where are these idiots?

Oh, thanks.

Afternoon, lads! Have no fear, your loving, caring sergeant is here.

So, er,

where's this flat tyre?

Em, well, we...we just repaired it.

And Gary and Jacko are going to drive to the roundabout.

So by my calculations...

Listen, Carole Vorderman, I don't want to know what your calculations are, and, em,

I've got to say, you're looking more flustered than my daughter's puppy at that Korean restaurant.

It's true, sir, we did change it.

-They just went to test it.

-Just went to test it, eh?

Oh, well, that is a good idea, very responsible.

So, they'll be back soon, eh?

-Should be.

-Back soon, with the tank, flat tyre fixed.

That's my boys.

I knew you wouldn't let it out of your sight, because, you see, I know that my boys

wouldn't have been anything other than entirely responsible with the Queen's own property.

Sarge, on behalf of the boys and I, I'd like to offer my sincere apologies for you having to come

doon here and waste your incredibly important time

because, as you can see, the tyre is now fixed and the situation sorted.

Is...that...right?

Absolutely, Sarge. We just wanted to test it before we set off.

So I hear.

Everything appears to be in order.

Ye-es-s-s!

Have we actually got away with this?

# We are the Champions my friend... #

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, £50 to 100 grand - we buy any car dot com.

Gary speaking.

Oh, it's you. Oh aye, let me guess.

You know where the tank is, ya stupid radge!

Yes.

Yes. I do.

Do you?

Yes.

It's up...my...arse.

I'd better go.