Betta Shape Up Gary: Tank Commander

This programme contains adult humour.

Here, come and play. If Carlsberg made morons. Move it,

you amateur speed walker. C'mon lads. Keep strong Jacko, push it

all the way. All the way. Help the What was the time? Sorry, lads,

that's a fail. Sake! Your excess baggage let you down there. Aye

nightmare. Did I no get a PB? only PB you got, son, is the pot

belly hanging out your trousers. I'm in the shape of my life at the

moment. Aye, if your life's shaped like a sweaty boyo. Sweaty boyo! At

least I dinnae like. HE WHIMPERS. Do you want to try that again?

WHIMPERS. Another epic bollocking fail. I want these monkeys beasted

til they can't move. I could go a banana. This is affecting morale.

Unlucky, Gary. All right lads, I'll go easy with you to start. Sixty

burpees. C'mon Hippo, out of the Right. How come there's no a

company that sells peas called World Peas. I mean, I would call it

that and folk would be like oh, Gareh, that's such a clever name. I

hate peas. But I love peace. I have nae time for small talk.

Chips. So we locked him in the boot of a mini, drove it to Pontypridd,

now we all buggered off and left him there. And I slept like a baby.

Belter! Gary, you've got to hear this one mate. No you're all right.

Listen up! Due to Corporal Lard Arse, you will all be running again

on Thursday. But this time your pass or fail will be determined by

your individual times. Do you hear that, one ton mum? What? Time we

separated the fit from the fat. He's a bit of a ball breaker, eh?

Do you hear that, one ton mum? is spot on. That is spot on like,

eh? Calm down. Who's that meant to be? Sergeant Thomson. He's got him

down to a T, as in Thomson (laughter) d'ya get it? Aye, he's

got him down to a T if the Sergeant is frae Jamaica. Ah right. Course.

You can do him better Gary? Course. Eh lads? Oh aye. Gary's impressions

are legendary. Fire away. All right. Just dinnae choke that. Get doon

and gimme a hundred press ups. I'm really angreh and I've got a

moustache. That's amazing. Thanks Gary, you've made my day. That is

the worst impression I have ever heard. Awful. No. Really. Awful.

See you boys later. I really do not Oh aye. My name's Mitch Fox and I

think I'm amazing what with like my face and my chat and my bad

impressions. What's he like, eh lads? Och he's all right. He's no

all right. He's one of the worst human beings I've ever met. Or

worse. I think he's quite funny. We're talking about going for a few

jars with him this week. You should come, out? Right. Hold the bus, get

everybody off. What did you just say? I should come oot? What, was I

no invited? He asked us when you were up getting your third plate of

chips. Third plate of chips? I dinnae think so. Maybe two and a

half. But what odds does it make how many plates of chips I'm having

anyway? Nothing. Well clearly something. Doesnae matter. Ah but

it clearly does matter. So come on then, spit it out. All right. We

spunked the run because you were knackered. Mebbe if you cut back on

the chips a bit. (stutters) Ch ch - What? Jacko's right. It's clear

that your cardio vascular system is under excessive strain. No. My ears

are under excessive strain from your dying cat's voice. Have you

thought about trying, like, cup-a- soups? My gran lost three stone

just having them. What is this all aboot? Do I look like a granny

that's gotta lose three stone? Aw! Right. That's fine. Double. Oan.

Naw! And you say I'm the one that needs to lose weight huh? I dinnae

OK, fatties. This is every chump for herself. Fail this one and it's

Babycham for you todgers at the last chance saloon. PTI Fox will be

leading you out on the run so I suggest you try very, very hard to

keep the pace. Questions? Aye. How come he's so smug all the time?

What's that Gary? Was that your impression of Sergeant Thomson? No.

An impression of Sergeant Thomson? Well don't be shy, Corporal Joker.

Sergeant Thomson would love to hear it. Um hiya! I'm Sergeant Thomson.

I'm that angry all the time. Get doon and gimme 37. Shut your mouth.

Bella Emberg. She doesn't look a bit like me. You need to check

yourself before I wreck yourself. Fox! OK lads steady pace. Or Gary,

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as fast as you can. Ready? Three What's happened, Corporal? First 50

metres you were so strong. Not had your chips today? No, I havenae.

Pick it up, soldier. Imagine I'm a chip. Fail. Again. Corporal, look

at you. Look at you! You're a mess, man. Your own men have passed and

look at you, panting in the mud like an asthmatic hippo. Just gimme

a second. You've had thousands of seconds and you still failed. You,

Corporal, are a failure. Mitch, steady. Naw, Jacko, it's fine.

can fight my ain... Battles. See? That's the problem. He couldn't

fight his way out of a wet chippie bag. Aye I could. Just gimme one

and I'll show you. And when I get out I'll beat you. What, an eating

competition? All right. Nah, you're dandy. I prefer something a bit

more physical. What, like a race? Good idea. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Gary is dangerously unfit. He might die. And a race with that isn't

exactly much competition. Hauld on. Did you just call me "that"? Aye he

did. I heard him. Right. Naebody calls me "that". All right. All

right. I'll race you and I'll beat you. OK. But when I beat you, it's

an automatic fail, no matter what the time. Which will be your third

epic fail? Demotion time. Mitch. Dinnae be a fanny. You're on.

donnae you be a fanny. Sorry lads, looks like it's time to say goodbye

to your Corporal. See you boys later for a drink? Maybe not.

enough. Plenty of time for that once Chubb here is away. Dick.

Brilliant Gary. He's a PTI. Aye. But I'm a GTI. I'm gonnae beat him

Right, I'll be doing the physical training with Gary. I want you on

nutrition and Mickey you'll just be daein stuff that I tell ye to. I've

already been doing some reading, and. Continue, I'm kind of

interested. Right. Well for quick results it's cutting out the

unrefined carbs. So for example have you any guesses? Ham? Gary,

I'm talking about the elephant in the room. Chips. Can you give them

up? What, completely? Aye. Naw. I cannae. You can do it, Gary. Just

dinnae order them or eat them. is serious, Gary. You have to beat

him but it's going to take sacrifices. What aboot a goat?

Gary! Focus. You just need to remember. (high voice) He's not a

machine, he's just a man. What? Rocky Four. The coach. It's what

the coach says right at the end. I've not seen that one. Is it a

female coach? Shut up! Gary, you can do this. Fox is just a man, you

just need to stay focused. You just need to up the aggression. You are

giving up chips! All right, all right, calm doon. What you doin'?

What you doin', ya mad radge? Stop it! You're giving up chips. Stop

it! You are making me angry! You're giving up chips! What are you

daein? I'm giving up chips. Feel the anger! Feel the force! Chase

the force! You are gonnae beat Mitch Fox. I am! I'm gonnae beat

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Mitch Fox. Mitch Fox, I'm coming to I think, em, folk are interested in

women doing sport in the Olympics. I mean, I think the women who are

doing sport, whoever they are, are doing really well. But I suppose at

the end of the day it's no the Er, what's this all about then?

just want to tell you and Julie together the boys already know.

You're no involved in that human trafficking, are you? I saw it on

the news the other day. No. Aboot time. C'moan. Sorry, sorry,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm late Mr. McLintoch, I had an interview at

Pablo's Pets for a part time post and I saw a snake and I screamed.

Then all the animals started making noises and I tried to calm them

down by smilin' at them, then Pablo got really annoyed and started

shouting things in Spanish and I wasn't sure if it was still part of

the interview so I just said si', si, si, si' a lot. Anyway he said

I'll hear next week if I've got it. I think that's what he said. Good.

Em, right. This isn't easy to say. So I think you'd better sit doon.

Oh my actual tearful God, am I gonna cry? I don't like crying but

I cannae help it. Oh no I can feel it coming on. Where does the water

come frae? And what has it got to do with your nose? Julie. Deep

breaths, Julie. Deep breaths. Thanks Gary. OK. Now, this isn't

easy to say. Oh my God have you got a cereal illness? Julie! Will you

just listen? You know I've been training for this race, it's made

me realise something that up until now I havenae been able to say.

What is it, son? My name's Gareh and I'm addicted to chips. No-o-o-

o! Och that's nonsense. You cannae be addicted to chips. Dad I'm nae

denying it. I'm an addict. Once I start I just cannae stop, you know

that way. That's true, I'm feeling quite peckish myself. Is that us

then, I'll pop they chips on now? I'm just off the chips and you're

talking about cooking them. I'm just looking for a bit of support.

I'm here fer you Gary. Unless I get that job next week, then I need to

go in. Thanks Julie. Well, er, me too son. So, er, what can you have?

Well, Charlie was talking about like protein. Aye, that sounds like

his kind of chat right enough. I'll look into it. Thanks, Dad. Here,

I've got the very thing for an addict. Cold turkey. There's some

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drumsticks in the freezer. Fry them Fox's best time is just over nine

minutes. The boy is a machine, no a man. Nae chance Gary is gettin'

anywhere near that. So what's the plan? It's a joke. Look, I've got

it sorted. Find Fox and tell him to meet me tonight at the barrack gate,

seven o'clock. All right lads? Yes, I am looking rather amazin' after

my run. I am starvin', but in a PC way. Shhh! Ah, Cheffy, what a

beautiful day it is today out there. D'ye get oot much? Enough. Enough.

So, Corporal, what would you like? Chips? No, just some brown bread

nae butter, thanks. And....? Some.... Mmm, just oot the fryer.

Say it. Ch-, ch-, ch-, ch-, ch-. Chargrilled vegetables. I've done

it! I've done it! Right, I've got to head. See you fannies in a bit.

Oh, Jacko, if you're looking for Gary, Gary. Hiya. I cannae stop now

I'm sayin' I cannae stop now, I've taken up speedwalking. It's like

runnin' but no as difficult. I like it. Well done, Julie. And I I and

and and. Julie what is it? I'm off the chips too. Nae chips in three

days. That is brilliant Julie, welcome to the programme. Thanks.

Here, I thought you'd be going on the road trip with Jacko. I've got

the race tomorrow. What road trip? You know, wi' Jacko And, er,

whatsisname. Oh my actual forgetful God, what is his name? Who? Fopps?

Fopps? I'm tired. Naw, it's a deid, on the motorway, squished. Julie,

who is deid on the motorway? No-one I hope. Likes bins, red dog, disnae

bark. A fox? Fox. That's him, Fox. Well done Gary. Jacko's taken him

on a road trip, he borrowed my car and guess what? He made me take all

my cushions out so that he could fit his ropes in oh. He said I've

not to tell you. No no, it's fine. What else did he tell you not to

tell me? Just that he'll bring my car back after the race. Right. I'd

better go. Don't tell Jacko I told you, he said not to tell you and

then I told you. Julie, dinnae worry aboot it. Jacko's secret is

safe with me. I'll see you later! The man who jumped is only taller

for a bit. But the man who didnae I'll let you think about that for a

What are you up to? Nothing. Jacko, I just spoke to Julie and she never

said anything but I ken what you're up to. Sake! Look Gary, you cannae

win this race. If I get him oot the way then we can say he didnae pitch

up and you dinnae get demoted. no gonnae get demoted. The

trainin's going well, I'm getting better, I'm gonnae beat him.

cannae, Gary. Trust me. No. You trust me, right. I've never let you

down when it comes to a specific running task like this. Gary, we're

talking you getting demoted. we're no. Cos I've just changed the

subject. We're talking aboot me winning without cheating or

kidnapping. What is that? Hm? What You're clear on what you're doing?

Aye. I've got to run faster to beat him. Remember to pace yourself

though. Cos he'll set off quickly, dinnae be put off. Remember (high

voice) he's not a machine, he's just a man. Can ye no dae that?

It's weird. It makes me feel weird. All o yez just stop, right? Morning

son. Just in time. Here. What's that? That's rocket fuel, son. Aye?

Brilliant. Gaz, focus. Dinnae let him wind you up. Morning. Ready for

your last race as Corporal? What you've got such a bad attitude.

What's that? A cheeky steroid drink? That, my not friend, is

rocket petrol. Yeah? I'm just checkin' it. Dad! Hey. Perfectly

legal, son. I'm no some dirty crack den whore crack dealer. There's

enough protein in that shake to sink a whale. Oh what?! What an

arsehole. What was in that? Listen. Aye, did you think Mr. Lucozade is

gonnae give his recipe to any wee prick that asks him? Ready?

wait. Can I have a few minutes? What, head start? Aye, cos you're

gonnae need it. Don't think that's a good ide,a big Daddy. You both

know the drill. Once round the course. On your marks, get set, Go!

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Come on Gary do good. May the best Oh, yes, yes! Come on Gary, come on

He's behind you. This is like panto. You cheating shit. Hey, language.

What you talking about? That drink. He tried to poison me. There was

nothing wrang with that protein shake. Yogurt, banana, anchovies,

fish fingers, home made, and that value turkey mince was cooked right

through. He's just a sore loser. Imagine if I'd had that drink as

well. Face it Mitch, you lost. End of. I want him demoted. Now! He

tried to poison me. Listen, moaning Lisa. Plump chops there has beaten

you. Suck it up. But this is bullshit. I hold the fastest time

for this course. I am the inter regiment cross country champion.

I've won races in Darlington, Peterborough, Ponty. Boring. See?

And that's coming frae him. Said Charlie. Wooooooo! Sarge I've done

it. We'll see. Time. 11.32. Disgraceful. But technically a pass.

Yas! Disgraceful but technically a pass. Sarge is proud. In his ain

special way, Sarge is proud. Congratulations son. I think coming