Good Exercise Gary: Tank Commander

You can do it!

-Go and get that.

-I'm no getting that.

-You have to get it.

-No yous get it.

-Hits it gets it.

No way. I'm nae asking Mr Taliban for my ball back.

-Just ask him.

-Mr Taliban! Can we get our ball back?

-He's no in.

-He's no in.

He's not very nice anyway. His wife's nice though,

when she's allowed out.

-Ohhhh! Ahhhh!

-Hooray!

Brilliant!

Cheers, Mr Taliban!

This programme contains adult humour

Attention!

GUNFIRE

Contact! 11 o'clock!

Funny, I keep thinking in digital.

Shut up! Keep firing!

Charlie, I'm no being funny but your shoelaces are undone.

-Shoelaces!

-I'll get them in a bit. Eight o'clock.

-Fire!

Budge up. Let's get these jerries.

Move!

Charlie!

I'll get them in a bit. I'm hit!

-I'm hit!

-Idiot doon!

-I'm dead.

Brilliant. Why am I always dead first?

Because that's what you're good at.

-Thanks for, er...saving my, er...

-Welcome.

-They're retreating!

-Cease fire!

Cease fire! Anyone hit?

-Status?

-Deceased.

22 minutes in, what is the point of you?

-Was it no 14 minutes last year?

-Aye.

You OK, sir?

Yeah. Tippety top thanks to, er, Corporal saving my bacon.

-Really?

-Aye. I'm a hero. Live wi' it.

I don't think there will be a World War Three.

I mean we don't really have the time these days and basically, right,

nuclear weapons have kind of spoiled the fun because everyone kens

that if it, like kicked off like big style, like I'm talking

kind of global fisticuffs like red button, keys turned, armed, then explosion,

fire, wind, nothing except cockroaches - isn't that weird?

That the only thing to survive would be the cockroaches?

I mean, I think we should be doing mair research into them,

or training them, or maybe even eating them

to get like some of their power or something.

I mean I dinnae want to eat one, but then I've never had one.

They dinnae look nice, but then I eat bacon

and that doesnae look nice.

I mean, like if you woke up in your bedroom

and there was bits of bacon all over it, you'd probably scream.

A bit like if your room was filled with cockroaches,

but then you've got to think right

if your bedroom was filled like wi' cockroaches

and there's a nuclear war, the bacon wouldnae survive,

it'd be burnt to a crisp and you wouldnae survive,

you'd be burnt to a crisp, but the cockroaches, they'd be fine.

Maybe a bit warm, but I mean what does that say about God?

I suppose it says God likes cockroaches.

God's weird.

-Sergeant?

-Thank you, sir.

The recon sniper team have successfully taken out one child already.

That won't be happening again, understood?

That does put quite a lot of pressure on me, but I am up for it.

Shut it, Enrique.

The enemy have now located our position, so Colonel Fanshaw

will no doubt be planning further contact as we speak.

Yeah, father hates to lose.

I beat him at backgammon once when I was about ten,

didn't speak to me for six months.

-Tragic, sir.

-After this he willnae be speaking to you at all.

Listen up, muppets, we've to secure this base until 6:00am.

Priorities and objectives? McLintoch?

Erm, well, priorities for me is just about being happy in yourself.

Jackson.

We need perimeter sweeps here, and here, three man team,

-two spotters on the windows.

-OK.

McLintoch, Miller, you're on that with Jackson.

Remember, our primary is to keep this building secure.

Kinda like jannies.

Aye.

Exactly like jannies, we're like jannies when the school's shut

at the weekends, except instead of a big set of keys we've got guns.

Good point, Corporal. Like housemasters.

Mr Happly Heatherington, he was our housemaster, lovely chap.

Davy MacIver, the drunken minibus driver, he was our janny, remember Jacko? Shocking.

We had a site manager called Margaret. She was lovely.

Oi, Caspar the Boring Ghost, shut it! You three, get going.

Er, Corporal.

I just wanted to say how much I appreciated your earlier, erm...

I'll get straight to the, erm.. there is potentially a, er...hmm...

working for, er...hm... Interested?

Working for...

What, like a new job, a promotion?

What like loads mair money? Aye, that would be amazing!

Well, you play your guns right you could end up being the new, er, hm...

The new...

Brilliant.

-Sir, we'd best take our positions.

-Yah.

Aye. You take your positions and I'll maybe potentially take my new position.

Uh? See yis!

I dinnae follow.

Cos I saved Fanshaw's life he's basically offered me a new job with loads mair money.

-What would you be doin'?

-Dinnae ken, he's just talking about the money.

-What is it?

-What, the money? Dunno, but it's pretty much a massive promotion.

To what? Sergeant?

Probably, or mair.

But ye dinnae know what you'll be doing, what the money will be, or what promotion you're gettin'?

Jacko, when you get to my level it's not about the commas,

it's the capitals I'm interested in. Exclamation mark!

Aye well, so long as you're no gettin' carried away.

I need a piss.

Honestly, the language you squaddies use.

Movin' up the ranks, aye. All that green'd be totally sick.

What?

The green. The Benjamins.

I'd be totally loose with the cash.

I'd be spreadin' the dollar love all over the honeys.

-I literally have nae idea what you're talking about.

-Grandpa Gary.

What was that?

HE LAUGHS

Bushes! They're moving! Bushes! Cover!

Shit! Shit! Shit! There's no time for that.

Contact! Get back to the house, you halfwits!

Baddies! Fire!

-Where were yous?

-We were right there.

Critical shot. Shite!

-It's no our fault you did a number one on the enemy.

-I never seen them.

They just looked like bushes.

I think that's the point!

Calm down. There was nothing we could dae about it.

We were...ambushed. D'ya get it?

-Aye.

-Am-bushed. Oh, Gary,

you need folk like me in these situations. You do. Aye.

MUSIC: "I'm Sexy And I Know It" by LMFAO

Take me through that again.

Right. Jacko pee'd on the bush, who were also the enemy,

so that made him and the bushes raging, right, so the bushes started

shooting at Jacko, so we shot at the bushes, then you came to the window and the bushes ran off.

I didn't send you out there like two girls in a nightclub

to accompany each other to the toilet.

We didnae, Sarge, I never even went.

Only because you were too busy touching up your blusher, Michele!

-I expected more of you, Jackson.

-Sarge.

Happens to the best of us, mate.

Luckily I've got a spare Sudoku book with me, three in fact,

and a word search.

Shame it was blanks.

Chaps, serious stuff.

Father just called. He shouted, "Ninnies," then hung up.

Thank you for the intel, sir.

It would appear the Colonel has upped the stakes.

Listen up, we've lost two wannabe men,

so as of now, we are on lockdown.

-No one leaves the building, understood?

-Sarge.

I really quite need...a tinkle.

Well, sir, I'm afraid you're going to have to hold it in.

We just couldn't risk your leadership skills by having you outside.

Sir, I find thinking of a broken tap helps.

Good work, Corporal.

Oh.

What are you lookin' so smug about?

It's just one of their days, Sarge, eh?

Just think, Sarge, it willnae be that long till we're working side and beside.

Equals and that.

-Equals and that?

-Aye.

Captain Fanshaw's told me about the job.

-He's gettin' a promotion with loads more money.

-Is that a fact?

Has this post been officially advertised?

Because under current employment legislation it really should have been.

-Can I borrow that?

-Aye, sure.

Well, I do very much hope that you get that job.

Do you? That's very nice of you.

But then I'm a very nice person.

Aye...

Aye...

Aye what?

Nothing. It's just something I do when it's quiet.

Well, don't.

Mmmmmm...

-Nae chance. Big cup?

-How no?

Right. Five down, two words, drinking vessel.

Two words?

Drinking vessel. VESSEL.

-Booze cruise?

-THEY LAUGH

Arse. You're not far off a bruise cruise.

Aye, like cruisin' for a bruisin'.

Grenade! Gas! Gas! Gas! Masks!

Oh, no. I've misplaced my... Oh, God!

Oh! Sir! Here's one.

-Where is my mask!

-Bravo, Corporal.

Where is my shitting mask?

-What do we do?

-Return fire!

Fire!

Ninnies!

GUN FIRES

Take that!

-I cannae see!

-Neither can I. It doesnae matter. Just keep firing.

-They're bottlin' it!

-Be off with you!

-Cease fire! Cease fire!

-Bastard!

I am buzzin', man! How good was that?

No, but how good was that? Yesssss!

I have just been shot. Dead!

Now who has my mask?

Oh, this isn't mine. Sergeant?

Thank you, sir.

Don't thank me. Corporal found it.

Nae big smokes. I was just, er, doing my job.

'I think youth gun crime is a serious issue.'

I think what we should do is, like, have young folk with guns

versus the army.

And whoever wins gets to keep all the guns. Imagine that.

Imagine we lost.

And all the young folk got to keep all our guns

and their own as well, right?

But then imagine we had to go to war and we never had any guns,

like how embarrassing would that be?

But then the enemy would be like, "Where's all your guns?"

And we'd be like, "Oh, awkward. We've no got any.

"We lost them in a bet to young folk."

Be quite funny, eh?

Then everybody would like start laughing, and then we'd be pals.

What are you daein, ya bam radge? It's half four in the morning.

Gets the blood flowin', keeps me sharp.

Makes you look like a tit.

Love it. Even frae beyond the grave you're angry.

Right, stop that. I'm no havin' it.

What do you do to keep yourself awake,

like if you're really knackered?

I'll tell you what I dinnae do, and that's press ups and star jumps

cos they're tiring and when you're tired, daein something that

makes you more tired is a stupid idea.

You could argue that by exercising you're releasin'

more oxygen into the blood.

Another thing that I dinnae do is listen to Charlie,

or I'll be guaranteed to fall asleep.

See that, lads? That is why I am on my way to the top.

MOANING

I really am rather desperate for the old WC.

A wheelchair?

-A wee wee.

-Have you tried holding it in?

Private, desperate!

Just use a water bottle, sir. That's what we dae in the tank,

just remember to empty it out first, that's my top tip.

Excellent, Corporal. Bottle quick!

Allow me. Charlie?

See that, lads?

That's what you call thinkin' while standin' on your feet.

Easy! General McLintoch.

HE CHUCKLES

It's too quiet.

It's all going to kick off again.

Aye.

But no yet.

How d'ye know?

Gary knows. Gary always knows.

Gary'll tell me when somethin' bad's going to happen.

But no yet.

No yet.

Finished! Oh, ah, Corporal. would you mind?

Team work, eh? Corporal?

Start as we, er... mean to, er...

Right.

MUSIC: "Crazy, Crazy Nights" by Kiss

Er, Corporal, thanks. Seal really is broken.

Once you pop, you er, can't stop.

Skoosh skoosh?

As you were, chaps, departed.

THEY SNIGGER

It's no funny!

No, you're wrong. It is funny.

I swear the bottles are gettin' warmer.

-You're lucky it wasnae a number two.

-Oh, there's still time.

-He's just opened up a family pack of Snickers.

-Oh no. No!

There is nae way I can do this job if I'm going to be

some kind of full-time pee pee pourer!

Yous are gonnae have to help me get out of it.

Cannae mate. I'm dead.

And sadly I passed away some time ago.

Right, that's just fine, I'll dae it mysel'. I can handle anything.

So we've seen!

HEAVY THUD

-What was that?

-Corporal.

Hello!

-Anybody there?

-There might be who's there? Is it is it the enemy?

Rupes! Pasty, is that you?

Rupes? As in Rupes?

Ya, your bro, Rupes.

Pasty, listen, got a bit of a parachute mis-drop situ here,

bit stuck.

Handies?

Two ticks.

Sir, it might be a trap.

No way, Josie. Father doesn't like Rupe. Never has.

-Right. I'll check it out. Cover me.

-On it.

Corporal McLintoch! Oh, shit in the en suite.

-What are you doing in Bolton?

-Nothing. We're in Broxburn.

Looks like I've had some pretty serious Tom Tom trubs.

Is Jacko here?

Aye. He'll be pleased to see you. He's dead.

Right. You just need to... No. Just let me get...

Just... Take... No.

Have you... Right. Just... No, that's...

Yes, it's true, Pops hates me. Always has done.

Got to love the old dog.

He's clean.

Sorry, Rupes, just er, the er...

On no, not at all. It's wizard fun.

Just super spesh to see Jacko again.

That's weird cos Jacko's always sayin' how much he misses you,

and respects you.

For shoozle. Right back at you.

Punch it in Mega J.

So you guys are on exercise too. How's the, er, wicket?

Father's taking it pretty, er, seriously.

Three men down and if it wasn't for Corporal, erm...

I'd be six foot, er...

No, no, no. I havenae helped, havenae helped,

I'm mair like Jessica Fletcher cos folk keep dyin' around me.

Modest, modest as shit. Modest shit of a man.

-Ya.

-A touch convenient you ended up here.

Oh not a mundo.

I thought the green light was my drop zoneo.

I'll be back, cracked and sacked by my superiors for this one.

What green light? There's no lights on.

Lights in the window, sort of on and off,

thought it was some kind of drop signal.

Sorry. It's my Mum.

She keeps phoning. She worries cos of the news and that.

-Mickey!

-And, er, I've been taking a few calls from Father. Ah...

wee wee time. Bottle, Corporal?

Actually, never, never mind about the bottle, eh?

Cos I'm going to say something that might get me

into loads of trouble, and should cost me my future job, but...

what ye all about, using your mobile phone on an exercise?

How dare you?

You are a very naughty Captain!

Corporal.

In all my time as an er... officer of her Majesty's...

nobody has ever spoken to... like that.

Takes a very brave man to stand up to someone like, er...

so, er... point taken.

I dinnae ken if it was the right thing to shoot Osama,

but then I wasnae actually there when it happened so... Or was I?

Em, I wasnae.

But, I mean... end o' day, you've got to admit...

he was a bad lad.

He was a proper Jihadi Baddy, eh?

It's ten to six.

What do you want, a tell the time badge?

There's only ten minutes left. Where are they?

Maybe they've gone home.

Where did they get you?

Sir. See, about this job...

They havenae. Movement! There's loads of them.

Sir, can I fire?

Yes, fire at them.

Come to Gary!

Come on boys, final push, pull the trigger!

Dae it. Dae it in memory of me!

Easy! Easy! Easy!

Like shootin' sharks in a barrel.

Ninnies!

You may have shot my men, but there's still me to contend with.

Sir, can I shoot your Da?

He's getting closer!

Urgh! I could've got him as well.

-I'm taking the shot.

-No, he's my father. I'll shoot him.

Father!

Good shot, sir!

You little bugger!

We've won!

Yes!

Not quite, gentlemen.

Rupes? I just shot Papa.

I know. That was Father's plan all along.

What?

He set this whole thing up. At enormous expense.

Parachuted me in, distracted you all with a final push,

which of course gave me long enough to grab this.

Thanks, Jacksy.

-Genius.

-But what about all that stuff about your dad hating you?

Oh no, that's true. He can't stand me.

But all I had to do to gain his respect is finish you off.

Sorry, Pasty.

Awwww! Dam and botherage, I'm dead.

Get it up you, ya fanny!

-Ya, ya fanny!

-Funny!

-ALL:

-Yaaaaaa!

HE CHUCKLES

He shot you? When you had a rifle?

Confirms everything.

Sorry, Father.

Quick thinking, Corporal.

-Good soldiering, bloody well give you that.

-Thank you, sir.

The Corporal's agreed to be my new, er, aide. Good news?

What?! Aide?! Don't be ridiculous!

You want to take a half bloody decent soldier off the bloody field of battle to be your potty holder?!

You've gone potty, man!

May I respectfully suggest, sir, that perhaps Corporal McLintoch

may be more suitably positioned in the line of fire.

Abso-bloody correct. I shall expect you back at your post, Corporal.

Yes, sir.

And as for you, shooting your own Father?

Your mother will be hearing about this.

You two with me. Taxi!

Chop-chop, thank you.

Sarge got me out the job. Cheers!

You're welcome.

-Of course, as repayment, I expect you to do something for me.

-Anything.

Ice cream? It's quite heavy.

-I don't want it. Can you get rid of it?

-Aye.

But, er... I need the tub back when you're done.

Course. Nae bother. See you later.

Ohhhh!

No, no, no! Lads! Lads!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd