Big Cuts are the Biggest Gary: Tank Commander

# Under the sea... #

This programme contains adult humour

# While we're devoting Full time to floating

# Under the sea

# Diddly-da-da-da

# Diddly-da-da-da

# Diddly-da-da-da

# Da-da-da-da... #

Attention!

That the MP's car here, Sarge.

Thank God you are here, Lassie.

Stupid dog.

Positions, everyone. Attention!

Hiya! I'm the driver for the MP. The MP is in the back.

Except he isnae.

You are on the wrong side.

What, the Taliban?!

-Oh, right. I'll move it.

-No, no, just leave it.

-Smith.

-Rounded up, that was one minute over, Sarge.

Well, just dinnae round it up then.

-Procedure.

-Procedure. "Procedure!" That's what you sound like, Charlie. Procedure. Procedure.

Enough! You had better start shaping up.

The man who will be in that car tomorrow as the power to shut

this place down.

-That's all right, then. Just don't let him in.

-Or don't let him out.

Brilliant. Either way, sorted.

Put a brick in it. From the top. No mistakes.

HE STARTS CAR

CAR STALLS

Right, can you all just turn around,

because I don't like folk staring.

Do you have any brain cells that work?

Eyes front, do not move.

He's going to give himself an embolism.

Definitely.

-Jacko's a jammy dodger missing this stress.

-Jammy? Nut.

I'd much rather be doing this than getting beasted off the SAS

and then turned down because your hands arenae big enough.

ALL: Woooooh...

OK.

Tomorrow, the MP will be having some idle chitchat with some

preselected bozos.

Bagsy being a bozo!

For the purposes of today,

I will be playing the part of Stephen Maxwell MP.

You idiots will be playing yourselves.

I read that the committee Maxwell sits on

is looking at closing up to three barracks.

Well clearly, you have not read How Not To Piss Off Sgt Thomson,

by me, Sgt Thompson.

Selection time. Smith, do you like being stationed at these barracks?

Absolutely. I find the sense of history fascinating.

To think that we're standing in a garrison that has been...

HE YAWNS LOUDLY

Agony. Congratulations, Smith.

You have just taken a vow of silence. Next.

-Miller, do you like being stationed at these barracks?

-Yes!

-What do you like about it?

-Just everything.

The food, the exercise, the guns, the tanks, the bangs.

-The food, going to wars...

-You've no' even been to war yet.

-Corporal Bawbag, zip it.

-I hope the MP says bawbag tomorrow.

Shut up! Miller, you're a yes. Keep that enthusiasm up.

-Absolutely, definitely, Sarge!

-McLintoch.

-Hiya, Mr Maxwell MP.

-How's politics?

-Do you like being stationed at these barracks?

-Oh, yes.

-Why?

Erm... That is a very good question.

I think because of the people,

because of course, I myself individually am one.

Without people, all you would have is loads of uniforms

but no-one to wash them.

-McLintoch.

-I wasnae finished.

-You are now.

Vow of silence effective immediately.

HE MOUTHS

I heard that!

I dinnae see it affecting me, but if it does...

um...

I know a lot of them become security guards,

a lot of them join the police.

A lot of them go on to be bouncers.

I even ken a few hairdressers

and there's maybe one or two that went into teaching.

But overall, I would say that bald people can do whatever they want.

You know, apart from use a comb.

Or look young.

Imagine being bald!

Nightmare!

Whoa, whoa!

-Straighten the barrel.

-What, Sarge?

-Straighten that barrel!

-Eh?

Are your ears painted on? Get that barrel straightened!

Oh, straighten the barrel. Straighten the barrel. Yes, sir.

Sarge, that's me away to the airport, right, but don't worry,

I will be back before you can say,

"I miss Gary, I wonder when he's back. I hope he brings crisps."

-Get a shift on. Pronto!

-Sarge.

Faster!

Argh!

Argh!

-Everyone, stand back.

-This isn't time for a party piece. Sarge is hurt.

-Sarge, is this sore?

-Argh! Don't!

-I think Sarge has hurt his leg.

We need to get him to a hospital. It's probably a fractured femur.

Oh, shut up, Dr Daein'-Ma-Heid-In.

I'm really sorry, Sarge! Do you want a Disprin?

I'm fine. Give me a hand up.

Argh! Ya hoorin' dick sponge!

I'll call an ambulance.

Sarge, what about the MP? Someone will have to show him round.

I'm someone! I'll do it!

-Naw!

-Sarge, what about me?

I do feel that my inter-personal skills are massively underrated...

Definitely no!

Yass! I win. Sarge, dinnae you stress about me talking to the MP,

cos we all kens I speaks the bests.

Right. Stick to the agenda.

No yapping on and just yes and no answers to his questions. You got that?

Yes and no answers.

Yes and...no. Yes.

McLintoch, this goes by the book,

cos if you mess this up, the barracks and us could be history.

I knew that this moment would come.

We've got a mountain of dirty dishes to dae

and by the power of Greyskull, I'm gonnae step up to the plates.

Argh!

Ah, yes, Sir Michael, picked up with the usual Army efficiency.

Yes, we're en route to the barracks now.

Yes, got your memo.

A definite candidate, yes.

Of course, yes. You'll have my recommendation by five.

HE CHUCKLES

Yes, it did. Of course, unless we cut and run early, so to speak.

Ha-ha-ha.

Yes. OK, Sir Michael.

Nice talking to you. Bye for now, Sir Michael.

What a bore.

Stephen...

Oh, Lucy, it's OK. I'm sure the corporal isn't listening.

No.

I've been to so many barracks lately,

that I'm beginning to feel a bit of a soldier myself.

Yes?

Not that they've let me blow anything up.

Yet!

In spite of your hints.

Pow!

Stephen, on arrival, we'll be meeting with a Captain Fanshaw,

followed by lunch, then...

Yes, yes, yes. Like every other visit we've ever done.

Fine.

So have you seen combat, Corporal?

Yes.

Iraq, Afghanistan?

Yes.

Yes.

Well, it's nice to know we're in such experienced hands.

Yes.

What time do you have, Corporal?

No.

Excellent.

They're right on time, sir. That's Stephen Maxwell MP arriving.

Marvellous.

Who?

The MP.

The defence review?

-The future of the barracks?

-Ah.

Oh. Uh...

Captain, permission to say loadsae words, not just yes and no.

Granted.

Um, Captain, this is Stephen Maxwell MP.

Stephen Maxwell.

Ah, good.

Oh, and, eh, this is Lucy.

Lucy Decker. Parliamentary aide to the Defence Review Committee.

Gosh!

Pleasure to meet you, Captain.

The pleasure's all... Captain Fanshaw.

Good.

I was just saying to your corporal that I've visited so many

of these barracks lately, I'm feeling a bit like a soldier myself!

Ha-ha! He WAS saying that.

I heard him saying that. I was there. Aye.

This is going well.

Oh, yes, it's all going... Well, of course...

today, we're going to be...

Er, Sergeant?

Oh, of course, he...broken.

Er, agenda!

Well, I'll leave you in the capable...of...Corporal.

So that was your debrief with Captain Fanshaw.

Um...so next on the agenda is, er, lunch.

Corporal, I have lunch at 12.30!

That's all right. We can put yours in a bag, you can have it later.

No, it says on the agenda, 12.30.

Oh, um... Aye, you see, that's because sometimes we have to, like,

train our stomachs to eat at different times, you know, to, like,

adapt to fighting conditions.

You see, Lucy? We're in the Army now.

We've got to adapt. It's a fighting lunch.

Aye! Exactly!

It's a fighting lunch!

I might punch you in the face when you're having your lunch.

I willnae.

# Yo

# You might hear me make a racket like Wilson

-# Cos I love summer No Rachel Bilson

-Yes

# The winter will come

# We'll just have parties inside They're still fun

# Pump this

# Chase your boyfriend

# We're rowdy

# Girls make our judgement cloudy

# But when the sun comes out We're still alkies

# We don't wanna be lousy

# Or shameless, but we're running

# Round like we're brainless

# Now I've got grass stains on my brand new white trainers

# On my brand new white trainers

# Um... I know a few guys hate us

# They're as compelling as Neighbours so laters

# It's blaters we've got

# Our own style, you know now

# So go wild and get hosed down,

# N-no-no, yeah-yeah

# Let's get down with the trumpets

#Let's get down with the trumpets

# Let's get down with the trumpets

#Let's get down with the trumpets

# Let's get down with the down with the

# Let's get down with the Down with the... #

So, moving on, what's next, Corporal?

Next up, we've got Private Miller here.

He's going to be doing some speaking to you.

So, Private,

what's your experience of being stationed at these barracks?

EVERY DAY IS AMAZING, SIR!

-Really?

-Aye! Aye, it is.

And Private Miller here, he drives our tank,

Meatloaf.

We called her Meatloaf after the singer.

Meatloaf!

You drive a tank, eh?

Is it big?

YES, SIR! IT'S A TANK, SIR!

Hmm...

Beast.

Are you actually OLD enough to even have your licence, son?

YES, SIR! PASSED THIRD TIME, SIR!

Congratulations!

Actually, your corporal was just saying there

that maybe we could all go for a spin in Meatloaf later.

-Was I?

-Mmm.

YES, SIR! WHEREVER YOU'D LIKE TO GO, SIR!

No, we're not cleared to actually use any Army equipment today.

That was just Steve's little joke.

YES, MA'AM!

IT WAS HILARIOUS! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Mickey...

I'm sure he won't be long.

< HURRIED FOOTSTEPS

What is it?

What's the emergency?

Where's that?

It's here. It's an aerial photograph.

Oh, is it?

It just looks different cos it's black and white. Right.

Well, in answer to your question,

that's here

and it's a photograph taken from an...

from an aerial.

Thank you, Charlie.

So there's been a barracks here for quite a while then.

Well, believe it or not, but there has in fact been

a barracks in some form on this particular site

since before the Roman times.

I didn't know that.

-Fascinating!

-Aye! Aye, it IS fascinating, eh?

Charlie's got loads of...

fascinating...facts.

Well...it's interesting to think that in around 142AD,

Antoninus Pius ordered the building of the Antonine Wall.

Really?!

Which instigated the construction of where we stand today.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Oh, thank God!

Sir Michael. ..Hello, Sir Michael. Yep, uh-huh.

Yes. Yes, no, I completely agree. Yep.

Well, Lucy seems to be enjoying herself.

Yep. Yep.

Yeah, well, it's pretty much made up MY mind.

Yep, agree.

MOBILE PHONE RINGTONE: "Respectable" by Mel and Kim

Hello, random telephone box in the street.

No, Sarge, it's me. Gary.

Aye. We're in the museum.

I'm following the agenda!

But listen, I was thinking, right?

You're right, Sarge.

I shouldnae think.

Yes. I AM an idiot.

Right, OK.

Back to the agenda.

Bye, Sir Michael.

Right, OK. Right, speak to you later. Cheers! Bye. Bye. Bye.

OK, Lucy, I think we'll be done

by...2?

I see.

B... I don't... What does that mean?

Corporal, it means the Defence Committee is considering their options.

Well, that's that then.

I KNEW your chat would be the death of us. Right, seriously, dinnae make

any more decisions until you've seen what's next on the agenda, right?

I swear tae God. It is gonnae...remove your socks.

Shall we?

And behold, it's...

Another store room.

Actually, I think we MAY have seen enough now, thank you.

Who you calling?

Corporal, that's a little inappropriate.

But it can't be the end yet, no yet! You've no' seen, like, the...

The guns!

Eh?

Oh!

Look! Huh?

Have a shot!

-Huh?

-A shot?

Well, have a hold.

No, you said I could have a SHOT.

Stephen, that's Sir Michael.

Hello, Sir Michael?

Yes, yes, agree.

Er, no, not QUITE yet.

No, I think we've a few more things to do here.

OK, yes, very good.

Right.

Looks as if we're about to do a bit of an...agenda-benda.

Let's dae it!

Right.

The reason there's some European countries in so much debt

is that basically...

they got their pay packet and went mental, like you do on a Friday.

But they've been doing it every day of the week, like for ages.

Um, but then...

they ARE abroad, so...

maybe they just think they're on holiday,

which I suppose they are.

And sun cream does cost mair when you're away.

You know, you maybe eat oot, a few drinks, see?

It's actually pretty easily done, eh?

But you see, that's why Scotland isnae in such bad shape,

cos we're no' abroad.

Ken?

I mean, look at Greece.

I bet they're regretting smashing a' they plates noo, eh?

Idiots.

GUNSHOT

Ha! I thought it would be louder.

GUNSHOT

MOBILE PHONE # Take, take, t-t-t-t-take, take...#

-Gary, we were waiting for ages for you in the map room.

-Tell me that's not Maxwell firing that.

Listen, there's been an agenda-benda.

-A what?!

-An agenda-benda. It's a phrase I made up, but it seems to make sense.

Oh, right! Agenda-benda.

No, Thomson is gonnae go raj. He told us to stick to the agenda.

Aye, but the agenda wasnae working. He was bored oot his skull. He was gonnae close us doon!

So you gave him a rifle?

-Aye!

-Totally! Guns are exciting.

Po-o-o-ow!

Sarge clearly said...

Aye, but Sarge willnae be a sarge if we all lose our jobs.

That's why I had to kick in the agenda-benda. (Trademark.)

-HE SHOUTS

-Did I hit anything?!

Aye! Everything! Pure barry sounding that, eh?

Bulls-eyes!

Well, gentlemen, that was very accommodating of you,

to let Stephen fire a deadly automatic weapon.

You're welcome.

But I think the map room is waiting.

Whoa! Thanks for that, Corporal. Quite a little kick off that.

What's next in the arsenal?

The map room, Stephen. That's what's next.

Really?

How? WHat were YOU thinking?

Well, it just seems a shame to go and look at some maps

when...I've just started to really enjoy myself.

Well, if you liked that, you'll LOVE an RPG.

-You've got an RPG?!

-Stephen, NO.

Actually, Stephen,

-yes.

-Gary, no.

Gary, yes?

Gary...yes.

OK, yeah, yeah.

This feels right. A proper weight, eh?

What sort of range does this baby have?

It's about infinity and beyond.

So this is the sight.

-OK?

-Yeah, and is this the fire button here...?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Dinnae press that yet, ya mad raj!

Right, good times.

Just keep your weight forward.

This is madness.

-What?

-I'm saying this is madness.

THIS is Stephen.

-Has he done this before?

-No.

Only because he's not met anyone

willing or stupid enough to encourage him.

Right, OK, so now we're standing, right?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh, no.

Hello, the real Slim Shady and I'm standing up.

No, Sarge, it's me. Aye!

We're bang on schedule.

We're in the map-reading class just now.

-GUNSHOT

-Ah!

Oh, whit?!

Um, that was a massive draught, sir, the maps have gone everywhere!

Listen, I'll need tae call you back.

Amazing, look at that.

I've spilled blood in the field.

Is that plaster...big enough?

It'll hold. It'll have to. What's next?

-The airport.

-Is that next on the agenda, boys?

Well, we are happy for you to leave if you have had a happy day,

and of course, we'd be HAPPY to have you back

if YOU were HAPPY to tell the Committee to...

keep us open.

No.

No what?

I mean no, I'm not happy.

Not yet.

If you get my meaning?

No, I don't get your meaning.

And I'm the cleverest one here! What are you saying?!

Pow!

Meatloaf.

I'll go and get her warmed up.

No, you will not. ..Stephen, this has gone far enough.

I concur with Lucy.

This violates every diktat of procedural protocol I can think of.

Right. I seriously hate to say this, right,

but I agree with the Charlies here, right?

Meatloaf is ma tank - if I let you fire her, I could lose my job.

You could lose your job if you DON'T.

-Stephen, what are you doing?

-This is blackmail!

I thought that, too!

Right, everybody just shut up apart fae Gary. Thanks, Gary.

Right. Let's get this crystal-straight, right.

If I let you blow up something in the tank, the barracks are safe.

Stephen cannot guarantee that.

I can. I guarantee it.

Then I will save the barracks!

Mickey...

Go warm up the Meatloaf.

Yaldi!

OK! This is what it's all about!

Stephen, I am having no part of this.

Me neither.

That's fine. You take Lucy and continue Sarge's agenda.

Me and Mr Mad Maxwell here

have got unfinished business tae finish.

Pow!

Boom!

Damn it!

That's no bad, that's no bad. That's still good darts, right?

Maybe just two degrees to the right. ..Mickey!

Two degrees to the right!

I'll do it! I'm doing it. Two degrees to the right!

Aw, mother ae all sergeants!

-What?

-Thomson!

Right, everybody, hide!

You have one second to tell me why the hell you are firing the tank

when you should be on the parade ground!

Sarge, trust me. This is really, really important.

Important?! I'll tell you what's important!

Important was supposed to be you sooking up to that total cut-hungry arse-wipe of an MP!

Excuse me, Thomson?!

Sergeant Thomson. And who the hell are you, dog breath?!

Um, Sarge, eh...

this is the person that you were just that tiny bit rude about,

the...um...cut-hungry

arse-wipe.

Stephen Maxwell...MP.

Great place you have here.

Thank you, sir.

Please accept my apologies.

There appears to be some deviation from the agenda.

Agenda-benda, that's what I've kind of called it.

McLintoch, get this tank back to the hangar

and then wait for me in my office.

Sir, I will take you back in the Jeep.

Eh, Sarge, I really don't think that's a great idea if you want to keep your job.

What?!

Mr Maxwell has heavily, heavily, heavily, heavily, heavily,

heavily hinted in bold,

that if he gets to blow something up in the tank, the barracks are safe.

Pow!

Think aboot it, Sarge. One explosion and we're a' saved.

Like Hiroshima.

Lock and load.

Yes, sah!

OK, Mickey?

-Has he gone?

-No, he hasnae, but it's fine, cos he's really happy.

A weird smile.

Right, weapons set!

Weapons set!

On Mr Maxwell's command, we fire.

3, 2,

1...

fire!

THEY CHEER

Take that, Sir Michael!

Good shot, Stevie!

Mission complete!

-Are we safe?

-Oh, yes.

The threat has been terminated.

(We're safe.)

Hear that, Sarge?

We're safe.

Go on. Go on. Say it.

Say it. "Thank you, Gary".

Get this back to the hangar and get it cleaned. Now!

Tough love. I respect that.

Sarge, can I sign your cast?

Grr-rr-rr!

What's basically happened is, right, that pretty much the whole world

has said tae Iran, "Look. Right, even youse would have tae admit that

"you're a raj country that cannae be trusted with nuclear weapons.

"So just stop trying tae make them, right, or you're getting it tight."

And we're just waiting to hear back.

Well, gentlemen, pleasure serving with you.

Yes, it certainly was very eventful.

Thank you, Private, for a very informative and enjoyable tour.

Ha-ha! Good one!

Was he doing his usual, aye? Boring your face off?

No. Actually, I found him rather stimulating.

You've got my e-mail.

Yep. And I'll fire over those articles on local Roman archaeology

as soon as I've...dug them up.

Ugh...

Great. Looking forward to it.

Lucy.

Er, sir...Sergeant, chaps...

girl.

Er, at ease.

Er, super.

Fax, er, Sergeant.

Read.

"The Strategic Defence and Security Review Committee

"can confirm that the 104th Regiment will be retaining

"full staffing levels and current barracks location.

Secured until further notice.

Yass! Done, Stevie.

That was quick, eh?

Cannae wait to text my mum.

No problem. Happy to...er...

We really should get cracking, er, Lucy.

Fax received

13:33.

Half one?!

Er...yeah...

Pity we missed it.

Sergeant normally checks the bee-yoom, bee-yoom, bzzz.

But see at half one, were we no' in the store room?

But then that's when I gave him... I gave him the rifle!

So it's actually... It's me! I done this, eh?

Aw, but then after that, we let him...

YOU let him.

KNOCKING

You can thank me later, Sarge.

I'd better head off. Brilliant, aye. See you later. See you later.

Grr-rr!

HE STARTS CAR

CAR STALLS

Can everybody not look, please!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd