Achtung Charlie Gary: Tank Commander

Welcome back to Army Masterchef,

where Gary McLintoch has made something so delicious,

-he's eaten it all already.

-What?

Get away! I'm trying to have my lunch!

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

Attennnn-shun!

Nnnnnnnnngggggggg...

Again.

Nnnnnnnnngggggggg....

It's a noise like that, something like that. In the tank.

I don't know where it is but I hear it,

it's like nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg...

McLintoch, stop wasting my life. Listen up!

I want Meatloaf here, checked and signed off for us shipping out

on Sunday. Understood, Moomins?

ALL: Sarge.

Gary, do you want to maybe take that?

Do you maybe want to think about getting a promotion

before you start trying to order me about?

But...seeing as I am a team player, the best team player,

I will help out.

I cannae believe we're back to Blighty on Sunday.

-A bit gutted, to be honest.

-Gutted? I cannae wait.

Germany gives me the bratwurst boke.

-It's better than Afghan.

-Barely.

-Gary, it's better than Afghan.

Looked hot, in the photos. Was it?

Aye, it was pretty hot.

It was a bit like being on a really violent holiday.

A violent holiday?

Oh, like last year when I went to Zante with the Club 18 to 30.

It was madness.

-And what was madness about it?

-Well, I was only 17, eh?

Aw. That is madness.

Here, hold on, that cannae be right. You were 17 last year?

That means you were born in 1970...

-'94.

-1994? Dinnae be stupid. Nobody's born in 1994.

Aye, they are. I was, and I'm 18 years young and loving it.

Talking of loving it, the ladies out here, pretty good, ja?

Aye, is that right, shagger?

Have you been watching channel 65 again?

Aye, the wrestling?

-Kinda.

-Well, if you must know, I've met an amazing German...

Shepherd!

Lady.

An amazing German shepherd lady? She sounds woof.

Do you mean rough?

No.

So, Gary, would you like a tea-break?

Yes, I would, Gary. Thanks very much, Gary. As you were.

I think we like celebrity in this country cos...

And they're like, aw, look at them

celebrities with their shoes and their hats and their hair and their

hands and their teeth and folk think, aw, I wish I could have all that.

Or even maybe some of that. It's like with the Royal Wedding,

you know, with William and Pippa and everyone was like aw, you know,

it's just like before the divorce when Diana and Prince Andrew

got married. I don't know what it is about Royal Weddings,

folk get really funny about it and really excited,

saying like, oh, I wonder how long it will last,

and what will Harry go dressed as.

And, you know what I mean, for the wedding, they were saying that

it was the whole of the world's media was there. Like, that's mental, eh?

That every media person in the world was there for that wedding?

I mean, it did look busy.

Buffet must have been, like, massive, eh? Cost them a fortune.

Bet they had, like, really fancy stuff, like Kettle Chips and that.

Do you ken them? They dinnae look like kettles but they call them Kettle Chips.

"Would Gary care for some

"mature cheese

"with...sea water flavour?"

Well, no.

Skips.

They fizzle on your tongue.

What is wrong with saying that I find the German social and economic

recovery post 1945 interesting?

Nothing, if you want folk to walk away from you mid sentence.

Well, actually...

Well, actually, Anya, the wonderful lady who I have met

and enjoy discussing...

HE SLAMS THE CRATE DOWN

Anya. That this ho you've been talking to?

It's what they say, ken, like rappers and that

Right, I think we'll just ignore P Silly the now.

-So, who's the lucky bint?

-Her name's Anya.

-Do you mean Anna?

-Anya. I met her at my English class.

-Your what class?

-I signed up to study English as a foreign language.

How? What do you speak? Apart from shite.

-Are you kidding me?

-See, it's typical.

That's why I never said anything. It's great.

You get to learn about the construction of the language.

Right, no, no, no, I'm sorry. In fact, I'm no sorry, right?

Charlie, I have to say, right, see over the years, Charlie, right,

I've had to endure a massive grey mountain of your dull chat, right.

Chat that has been more of a threat to my well-being

than the Taliban ever was, right?

But see, you saying you're going to English class to study English

when you speak English has got to be one of the dullest things

I have ever heard.

Right, this addiction to dullness, Charlie, has got to stop.

-Not everyone's like you, Gary.

-Hence the problems in the world.

I'm gonnae say this for your own good. You need to, ken, like,

get some chat about you or you're gonnae die of dullness.

Go on! You need to get a bit of spontaneity about you.

Do something spontaneous.

Have you finished?

Aye. Where are you going?

Away from here. Is that spontaneous enough for you?

I think he's annoyed.

I mean, that's what happens when you take someone boring to Germany.

They end up loving it.

I swear, he will thank me when he's interesting.

# When the time grew near for me to show my love

# The longer I stayed away for

# Hiding from a word I need to hear now

-# Don't think I'll hear it again

-Don't think I'll hear it again

# But the nights were always warm with you

# Holding you right by my side

# Right by my side

# But the morning always comes too soon

# Before I even close my eyes

# All I do each night is pray

# Hoping that I'll be a part of you again some day... #

-Nnnnnnnnngggggggg...

-All right, I'll have another look.

-Nnnnnnnnngggggggg...

-I get it.

Good. Remember, nnnnnnngggggggggg.

Gary!

Remember to give us a shout if you find it, right?

-I need to speak to you.

-Dinnae get your netballs in a twist, what is it?

-It's about yesterday.

-Right. See about yesterday,

you know, your boringness, it's a bit like a disease,

-you cannae help it.

-No, I can. I have.

Naafi bar, five minutes.

All right.

Nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg.

-What's this all about?

-He wouldnae say.

But I've no' seen him this excited since he found Wikipedia. Dick.

Maybe he's won the Lottery.

Holy shit, is that Charlie's bird?

She's quite tidy, eh?

-Guten tag.

-In English!

-Good day, to you, lads. This is...

-Anya.

-Do you mean Anna?

No. Anya.

Anya, Anya, Anya, Anya!

ANYA LAUGHS

So, pretty cool place you guys have here, ja?

-So, what's the news? Have you won the Lottery?

-Ze Lottery?

Oh, ja, Charles has won the Lottery. Me!

ANYA LAUGHS

-I've maybe not technically won the Lottery.

-Good.

But the prize is much more precious than that.

Me and Anya, we're...

I didn't realise I would feel like this.

Let the words flow.

Spit it out.

We're...

We're getting married.

-What?

-Shut up.

-Oh, congratulations.

-Ja.

Married. Tying knots, you know?

# Here comes the bride

# 40 inches wide

# Squeezing through ze church door

# To get her bum inside.

LAUGHTER

So obviously, we leave on Sunday, so it's this Saturday.

-I've looked into a registrars, and it's all booked.

-This Saturday?

Ja. Booked. Exciting, don't you think?

-So, a drink to celebrate.

-Ja! Let's celebrate!

-What are we going to do about the child bride?

-About Charlie?

Dinnae ken. We can either do something

to stop him making an arse of himself and ruining his life,

-or we can just leave it.

-We cannae just leave it.

-So...what do you think?

-They're all right, just need more salt.

-No, Anya.

-Aye, aye, she's got that, erm...you ken that way

like with some folk... you ken that, eh,

just the way that...

-Right, enough. You cannae do it.

-Au contraire.

-In English.

-We very much are doing this.

-You don't even ken her.

-She's going to take you for a ride.

-Shut up. No she's no'.

Right, I think what Jacko's trying to say is that she's just...

a bit annoying and you don't make a good couple,

which is weird, cos you're actually quite annoying as well.

You just can't do it, can you?

You can't ever bring yourselves to say anything positive

about what I'm doing.

-I liked her hair.

-I thought it was quite dry.

-You're jealous.

Hardly.

Listen, I think all we're trying to say is that you shouldnae marry her.

Well, I am marrying her. And if you don't like it..

-We don't!

-You can get tae fuck!

-All right?

-Shhhh.

Sorry.

-Studying?

-Aye.

-English?

-Yes.

-Look, I don't want to talk about Anya, I don't want to talk about the wedding.

-That's fine,

-cos me and the boys have been discussing it, right...

-Shhh!

Sorry.

I think you have made your point.

-We just don't want you to look like a complete arse, right?

-Shhh!

No, you shhh, you book radge.

I'm giving out, like, some Gary advice here.

Cheers for the concern.

To think I was going to ask you to be my best man, as well.

What? Your best man? Like, at your wedding?

Like, organising the stag do, doing the speeches and that?

That would have been the idea, aye. I thought it would have been up your street.

Up my street? I live on that street. I own that street.

I rent properties to me on that street.

-But you don't want me to marry her.

-No, no, no, no...

-We just want you to be sure.

-I am sure. It feels right.

She's perfect. I want Anya to be my wife.

And you want me to be your best man?

Who am I to stand in the way of such a good decision?

So...

Gary. Do you want to be my best man?

I do.

BOTH: Yaaaaaaas!

-Shhh!

-NO!

So what's the score? Is the match called off?

-Em...kinda.

-Kinda?

I dinnae ken how to tell you this apart from telling you, but...

I'm going to be the best man! Literally!

You're joking.

Only at the speech!

The speech? I cannae believe you.

What? Well, do you know what? I cannae believe you, right?

I mean, have you even considered that one of your closest pals, right,

who's been with you through thick and things,

is just looking for a bit of support on his special day.

And it's no just me I'm talking about,

this is important to Charlie as well.

Well, I'm telling you, this is going to end in wee boy tears.

Well, if I do get a bit emotional, that's fine.

We're no' all made of brick.

At, er, ease.

McLintoch, why is it that every time I see you, you're doing nothing?

I think it's mainly bad timing on your part, Sarge,

but on this occasion, as I was just telling the Tweedle brothers here,

I'm going to be a best man.

And pray tell, which friendless, hermit,

cave dwelling leper reached out to you for their special day?

-Charlie.

-Private Smith? Is it his sister?

HE LAUGHS

Here, listen, the stag do's on Friday. You should come.

I invite you.

Oh.

Haven't been on a proper lads' night out since, er...Sergeant?

I fear, sir, that these babies don't know what a stag do is.

Bangkok '92. 20 men out, 18 men and one woman back.

That was a stag do.

One went missing?

No, he stayed out there. Got a job washing ping pong balls.

Why would you wash a ping pong ball?

A valid point. Well, I'll see you for the old, er...

Now, back to work, hens.

See when folk talk about the Arab Spring...

All I can think about is a cocktail.

Like, you can imagine ordering it,

like, can I have an Arab Spring, please?

And then, like, a really angry barman with a scarf wrapped round his face

hands you a glass of sand. But you couldn't hand it back.

Cos that would be, like, disrespectful.

Cos that's what they're fighting for.

They've got to fight...

for the right

to party.

Hurry up!

Go away. I'm not going out in this.

Oh, let us see it.

THEY LAUGH

Where did you get that?

I got that from a really weird, like, joke shop

that sold rubber sausages and that

and I said to the boy, "I want a really mental outfit for my pal."

-Rubber sausages?

-Aye, you should have seen some of them,

-they were massive.

-Seriously, I cannae wear this.

No, you're right. You cannae.

Cos it's no' finished.

No. No, no, no.

ALL: Awwww, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Hiya! Right, here we go, one Limerick sunrise wi' a twist.

-Down it.

-Down it, down it, down it, down it, down it, down it...

Waaaaaaaay!

THEY CHEER

Good effort, Private. Do you mind if I speed up my intake?

Listen up, the Captain is going to down his drink.

Go, sir. Go on, that's it! Brilliant!

Ooooooooohhhh!

Waaaaay!

THEY CHEER

It was genuinely brilliant, sir.

I've never...never done that before.

Oh...Oh, God.

LAUGHTER

So, have you arranged any cultural activities, as requested?

Cultural activity? What you talking about?

We're in an Irish bar in Germany. Look how old all this stuff is.

Right. My round. I'll get the bokes in, eh?

-Just a single for me.

-Dinnae be a Charlie.

All right. Double.

ALL: Waaaaaaaaaaay!

Never had you down for all this kinky shit, son.

I'm not. I mean, I'm not anti-fetishistic

-with regard to sexual practices...

-Suffering arseholes, he's started.

-Get me a triple!

-Brilliant. Sarge is on the triples.

What a brilliant night we're having, eh? I done this. Aye.

Waaaaaaaay!

THEY LAUGH

Marriage...best thing in the world.

Is it? To be fair, Sarge, sometimes you do call your wife an idiot.

She is an idiot, but she's my idiot.

See, sometimes when I wake up in the morning

and I look into that idiot's face, I could cry.

No matter what I say, no matter what I do,

that idiot will always be there for me.

And that's what marriage is all about.

Gary...Gary Stags. Gary, Gary Stags, right.

Eh, the club is round about here right? Find it.

What's the hold up, ma boy?

Sake...I knew it.

Why am I bokeless?

Sarge, we may have a kinda, eine kleinsey problem.

Red dress. That's Charlie's bird to be.

Or not to be. Fraulein Trollop!

You trying to make an even bigger idiot of my soldier

than he already is? Disgraceful!

If you were a small man, I would punch you!

-Guys, relax. He's my cousin.

-Hi, I am Jan.

-Do you mean Ian?

Aye. Well, he looked a bit close to be your cousin.

Sergeant...help.

Of course, sir.

-We are close, very close.

-Ja, I don't like to talk about this,

-but I saved her life. It's no big deal.

-Ja, ja.

When I was 12, I was cooking a pretzel and my house caught on fire.

Jan rushed in and saved me.

See, Jacko, it's all fine, eh? We're back in the game.

Hiya, baby! Hi, Jan.

-I'm sitting down.

-Oh, Charlie, you are such a Brit.

He is a wee Brit, eh?

Listen, the man in the rubber sausage shop, right,

he got us free passes for this disco, I just cannae find it.

Funky choice, Gary! I know exactly where this is.

-Come on.

-Sorry, love, stag rules. No women.

Relax. We're not in the army now, rules are there to be broken.

Tiny Thomson.

Tiny Thomson! That is something I would never call you, Sarge.

Right, come on!

Three, two, one, go!

Yaaaaaaaaaas!

Charlie is very lucky to have you as the best man.

Aye, he is, eh?

I'm pretty much a natural choice, eh? I'm basically his hero.

Ja? I can imagine. You have saved him before.

Saved him? Aye, I've saved the lot of them, Jacko and Sarge, cats, money,

-I've saved the lot.

-And the bond will never be broken.

Never be broken! No, no way!

Sometimes, I just think they must just admire me that much,

but Gary cannae help it.

Gross Gary Barlow! Kebab o'clock!

-Move your arse!

-Aye. He's never off, never off.

-Right, see you tomorrow.

-So long, farewell,

-auf wiedersehen, goodbye.

-Ja!

Imagine monkeys could talk.

I mean...they would just say funny thing after funny thing.

Then do a back flip.

I'd get on so well with monkeys. Fact.

HE MIMICS A MONKEY

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Nnnnnnnngggggg...

It's just this noise...in the tank. I can't work it out.

Maybe you should try and not think about it so much.

Often solutions come then, ja?

Aye....aye. Nnnnnnnnnggggggggg...

Gary, can you stop doing that?

Jacko, Jacko, tune.

# My life is brilliant

# My love is pure... #

-Ah, James...

-Blunt.

This is it.

You are beautiful.

Barry, hen.

Charlie. Mein schatz.

-That doesn't sound very nice.

-It means my treasure.

-What is it?

-You have such a beautiful spirit.

But I have to set your spirit free.

I'll give you a moment.

-What do you mean, free?

-It was Gary. Gary made me realise.

-Realise what?

About Jan and our bond. How close we'd grown.

I hadn't seen it, but Gary...

Could you maybe stop saying Gary so much?

But Gary, you were right. It's a bond for life.

-I couldn't live without him.

-What's going on here?

-What exactly are you saying?

-I must be with Jan.

-Anya!

-Be with Jan? But he's your cousin.

In spirit, it feels right.

-Gosh.

-Filth!

Told you.

Awwww!

Hi, guys. It's no big deal, but our aunties are outside.

Are we good to go?

Aunties? What's he talking about?

My sweet, sweet Charlie Sheen, I was hoping, with your generous spirit,

you would let Jan and I get married at the time we booked.

Oh, and Gary, maybe you could be our witness?

-No. Course not.

-This cannae...

Oh, Charlie Sheen.

Right, just get away from him, right.

Imagine marrying your own cousin, that's isn't right.

I don't know why it isn't right, but folk have been saying it's no right,

so I'm saying it as well. Right, off you go.

So, are we ready?

No, no, we're going to leave it, hen, that's fine, aye, Barry.

Good effort and that, right.

Soldier, get your jilted arse out of that aisle.

Come on, up you get. That's it.

Rupert Murdoch!

Robert Murdoch!

James Murdoch!

Rebekah Brooks!

Piers Morgan!

Worse than me!

Congratulations!

You're best rid. Trust me, a bird that could marry her cousin

is a bird that can cut your balls off in your sleep.

Fact.

Cheers, mate.

Right, all right, right, settle down, settle down, settle down, right.

I ken what some of you were thinking, you were thinking,

oh, no, Gary won't be doing his speech, cos Charlie's ruined it,

but it's all right, cos I've got a speech and I'm gonnae be doing it.

So, when Charlie asked me to be his best man, I said aye,

which is more than his fiancee said earlier today, eh?

Brilliant, brilliant.

But seriously, I ken that for a best man's speech,

I'm meant to stand up here

and tell embarrassing stories about the groom.

But after today, I dinnae need to.

I mean, how embarrassing was that?!

Very.

But by this point in the day, you know, the father of the bride

might of welcomed Charlie to his radge family,

imagine that, but I think maybe it's just good if I say, Charlie...

you are our annoying wee brother

and we'd like to welcome you back to our family.

So, I propose a toast and it's to, of course, me,

Gary, the best man, and annoying Charlie.

ALL: Gary the best man and annoying Charlie.

Brilliant.

All right, so, now it's time for the first dance. Right, get the tunes up.

I dinnae sprachen the Dutch and that, right, brilliant.

Aye, great. So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Muppets and monkeys,

welcome to the dance floor, it's the jilted groom, it's Charlie.

# Come a little bit closer baby

# Get it on, get it on

# Cos tonight is the night

-ALL:

-# When two become one

# I need some love like I never needed love before

# Want to make love to you, baby

# I had a little love and now I'm back for more

# Want to make love to you, baby

# Set your spirit free

# It's the only way to be... #

Nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg...

Can you stop making that noise?

What noise?

Nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg.

Nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg...

It's me. I'm the noise.

Problem solved.

Well done, Gary!

Oh, Charlie, what's German for goodbye?

Auf weidersehen.

Cheers.

See yaaaaaaa!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd