Spooky Dooky Gary: Tank Commander

This programme contains adult humour

HE GROANS

Atten-shun!

Hullo, Julie, it isnae Justin Bieber, it's me, Gary, where are you?

I told you not to be late and you're late.

I'm no waiting. Well, I am waiting, but I'm no waiting.

Where are you, seriously?

I'm seriously annoyed.

Oh, I see you, brilliant. Right, that's great. OK, then. Right, hurry up, hurry up.

Gary, Gary, I'm so actually, actually, actually, actually sorry, honestly.

I thought I had a watch on, but I didnae. I thought I'd see enough clocks to know what time it was,

but I've no seen a clock for ages.

-I've been ringing your phone.

-Have you? Aw, naw.

I had it on silent to save the battery. I'm sorry.

What? 21 missed calls. Ooh, somebody's popular.

No, they're no. Come on.

The Hallowe'en party's tonight and I've no got an outfit.

But, Gary, you're lucky.

Cos even if they run out, you can still go as a soldier.

Julie, I am a soldier. I don't want to go to a Hallowe'en party

dressed as a soldier, that's not even scary.

Aw, right. Here, what about a zombie soldier?

SHE GROANS

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, my actual, actual disrespectful, God, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Gary, that was bad.

Bad. Bad, Julie.

What's that?

THAT is the new dooking trophy for tonight, eh?

Last year's trophy was a disgrace. I had to hand it back.

It's nice, eh? Shiny.

Look, the Gary Smiths.

That's us. I should have got it engraved with that for tonight, eh?

Cos I think we all ken what's going to happen.

Gary, you're so...

Amazing? Thanks, Julie. Here we go.

I've got perfect 30/30 vision,

so if anyone's going to see them, it's me. I mean...

Right. Where do they even live, apart from haunted hooses, right.

Cos there's not that many haunted hooses, right?

And why do they leave cupboard doors open?

You know, like, if they can open cupboards,

then, can they pick up sandwiches?

Can they steal cars? Can they drive?

Can they have showers, are they always white?

I mean, these are the answers that nae-one can answer.

It's no good enough. Is God a ghost?

Well, no, he's not, cos he built the Earth, supposedly,

so he had to pick up bricks and that but then, nae-one's ever seen him,

so he is a bit like a ghost, but then, he had a son,

Jesus. But his dad's a ghost. What?

And then, there was actually that Holy Ghost called Pal.

Was it his brother or uncle?

So are they just all ghosts apart frae Jesus?

But then, he rose again, like a zombie.

So is Jesus real, is he a ghost, is he a zombie?

HE SIGHS

I mean, religion is that complex, eh?

Nae wonder so many wars are caused cos of that.

He's a ghost. No, he's not. He's a ghost. No, he's not. He's a ghost. No, he's not.

HE SIGHS

All I know, ghosts are scary.

JULIE CHUCKLES

-What?

-I just get proper excitement bubbles in my blood.

I actually heart love the Hallowe'en party at the barracks.

Aye, but it's all right for you, you've got your outfit.

Oh, that isnae right.

Don't worry, Gary, you'll get something and you'll look fab.

Right enough, Julie, I always do.

Remember last year when I was dressed as rubbish. I still looked amazing.

Oh, hello, can I be of assistance?

I'd certainly like to think that you might be able to probably...

Dae I ken you?

Oh, here, I don't know. Do you?

Is this your shop?

Naw. I work here, but it's no my shop.

I used to work at another shop.

That wasnae mine either.

It is you, right.

Listen, I am looking for a Peter Andre outfit in a medium...

large. Thank you.

Peter Andre?

Aye, he really scares me.

Me too. I think it's the way he looks.

Naw, Andre's all sold oot.

Aw, what? Nightmare. Radge insania. I knew this was gonnae happen.

Right. What else have you got?

Just this.

Who's that?

Have you heard of a programme called But Man?

Batman?

Aye, the green guy... The one that does the riddles.

Oh, aye, I remember him.

Remember, he used to say, "Riddle me this," and then, he'd dae a riddle.

I could dae it at the party, dae riddles, folk have to guess. It'd be brilliant.

Gary, Gary, try a riddle right now. Go on, say it.

Em... Aye, OK, all right, right.

Riddle me this, what am I?

I'm black and white.

I moo, I eat grass,

my name's Daisy,

what am I?

No. Gary, give us a clue.

A cow.

A black and white cow called Daisy.

Touche.

Oh, actually, one thing, right.

Will this be comfortable for dooking?

-Cos I'm a bit of a dooker.

-Oh, aye.

You could dook in that wee number till Daisy comes home.

Aye?

Mooo-arvellous.

SHE LAUGHS

I'll take it.

SHE LAUGHS

Riddle me this, who am I?

I live in Africa,

I have black and white stripes,

I look a bit like an interesting horse.

Right, hang on... Nah. I'm nae good at riddles, Gary.

Is it a cow again?

Naw. Close.

Eh... OM Gypsy Anne Marie!

Julie, you really aren't good at riddles, are you?

-It was a zebra.

-No! It's Gypsy Anne Marie.

She's an actual fortune-telling legend.

This is a sign, Gary, her being there, me being here.

She must have known.

Julie, you dae ken all that stuff is proper jumbo mumbo?

Oh, my big fat gypsy wedding, she just looked out the windae!

-Come on!

-Julie, I've got to get back to the barracks.

Fanshaw's got his family visiting, I cannae dae this.

Oh, please, Gary. Please. Please, please, please, please, please, please.

All right. Just stop.

I suppose it was a bit creepy the way she looked out the window.

Booooooooo.

-That scared me. Come on!

-Right.

MUSIC: "Thriller" by Michael Jackson

A wise choice, young Julie. The tea leaves never lie.

Do they not?

That's good.

Let's see what they have to say.

"I'm roasting."

Sorry.

What? "I'm roasting." That's funny. You cannae say that's not funny.

Hiya!

Oh, my God, is it bad news?

Am I going to get eaten by a shark?

-I knew it.

-No, Julie.

These leaves speak.

-But not for you.

-Oh...

Oh, for me? Oh, brilliant.

What they saying?

Well, if it's about the dooking,

like us winning it tonight, just save your tea.

Cos I predicted that this morning.

There are no apples in this cup.

Clearly.

You must cross my palm with silver to learn your fate.

I've no got any silver.

She means a fiver.

You've already paid her. Tea leaf.

Ah...

Oh! For the love of...!

SHE GASPS

Good news?

The three omens of doom!

Boooooooo!

Gary, don't do that!

Oh, my actual scary fortune-telling God. The omens of doom. What are they?

The first, the swooping figure of a winged beast.

A winged beast? Aw, no, Gary.

An eagle's gonnae swoop doon and pick you up and take you to hell.

Naw, it's no. It's really no.

But wait, the leaves turn blood red.

Ah, the second omen.

The devil's little helpers.

-Oh, that's good, I could do with a hand wi' the shopping.

-He mocks, but he does not understand.

The third omen...

The charred remains of a lifeless figure.

Oh, like a burnt chicken wing.

This, the third omen, will seal your fate.

Right, what's she on about? Seal the fate? Honestly.

Ah! Shhh!

This can mean only one thing.

The grim reaper himself - death.

THUNDER

Death?

Right, Gary, listen. Death can mean loads of things, right,

like a new start, or a change or...

No.

It means death.

The leaves have spoken.

Your fate is sealed!

Er, Gypsy Anne Marie, what about me? Am I OK?

Aye, you're fine. But he's not!

By the power of the leaves be off!

Whatevs!

Gary, Gary!

Gary, I'm scared for you. You're in such big trouble.

Just calm down, Julie, it's a load of old...

No...

Like the world's biggest no times, no!

Oh, my actual I-wished-she-was-wrong God, the first omen?

Gary, the swooping winged beast. It just pooped on you.

Actually, Julie, that's a sign of good luck.

Is it?

Aye.

Ragin'! Come on.

All right?

Aye, all right.

I got the trophy for tonight.

Just as well we're keepin' it here, eh?

-The Gary Smiths, is that us?

-Aye.

You're coming into a successful dookin' team, so you better do well.

We're gonnae win this tonight, I know it.

We'd better or we'll end up embarrassing ourselves like pink ladies.

D'you get it?

Got your outfit?

Eh? Aye, aye, I did.

Here, I can give you a clue as to what I'm going as?

Riddle me this...

The Riddler. Batman.

Every time.

Right, Mickey, my boy, practice makes perfect.

No pressure.

Three, two, one, dook.

HE GAGS

Swallowed too much water.

Try and avoid doing that, then.

Ya, fanny.

Gaz, show him how it's done.

Here, Gaz.

Ah! What you daein?

I'm chucking you an apple. What is up with you?

Nothing.

-Are you sure?

-Lads, can I ask you something?

Do youse believe in gypsies?

Well, I believe in them cos they exist.

How?

Me and Julie went to see like a fortune-teller gypsy, right, earlier.

She talked to me about this winged beast, right,

and then, I left her wee hut and I got shat on by a bird.

THEY LAUGH

I bird shat on you, that's a belter!

THEY LAUGH

I suppose it is quite funny in a kind of,

"Oh, this isnae funny, I'm raging," type way.

But then, she said some other stuff as well.

Gary, there is literally no empirical evidence

to support the claims of fortune tellers.

Aye, but she started going on about these, like, omens of doom, right?

And that's the first omen, the winged beast.

The next omen is the devil's little helpers.

-Shit!

-What?!

-The time!

-It's almost two.

Fanshaw!

Oh, right, aye, I'll catch youse up.

At all times I expect you to be a credit to her Majesty's...

McLintoch, what time do you call this?

14:00 hours, please, Sarge, yes, thank you.

Oh, do you need that fixed?

Any more of that and you'll be needing fixed.

OK, the Captain and his guests will be here shortly.

He has a meeting so, for the next hour,

you will be keeping his guests entertained.

Sarge, maybe I could do some riddles like, "Riddle me this, who am I?"

An incompetent dunderhead.

LAUGHTER

Er... Chaps, my...nieces.

Bit excitable.

Too much Hallowe'en candy.

Sergeant?

Yes, sir.

I believe this is Regan, Carrie and Wednesday.

Say hello, girls.

OK, so ...

Girls, see you in er... an hour, er...

Er... Good luck, chaps.

Freaky wee lassies, eh?

Devil's little helpers.

-It's the second omen.

-I'm worried about you.

So am I.

Managed to get some pig's blood from the butcher's

for my face for tonight.

What?

For my Rambo outfit. Covered in blood.

I'm gonnae look the business.

Here, all the blood in the water when we're dookin'.

Brilliant.

Aye, aye.

Right.

You are no really gettin' freaked out by some gypsy and those wee lassies?

Naw. Course no.

I was just thinkin' about the dookin' tonight, you know, like,

lifting the trophy, "And the winners of dookin'

-"for the second year in a row are..."

-The Gary Smiths!

The Gary Smiths! And the crowd go mental.

50,000 of them. Gary!

Hiya.

Can we go on the assault course?

No. Cos you never said please.

Can we go on the assault course, please?

No. Cos you never said please the first time.

Now, you go and just play with the girls.

You'll regret that.

HE CHUCKLES

She is a freaky wee lassie.

I'm scared of her.

Are you?

Shit!

That's your fault! Haw, Muppets! Come on!

MUSIC: "Cognoscenti vs Intelligentsia" by the Cuban Boys

Jacko!

HE ECHOES: Jacko...

Charlie! Charlie...

Mickey! Mickey...

Girls?

Regan?

Carrie?

Wednesday?

Thursday?

LAUGHTER

BRANCH CREAKS

LAUGHTER

Oh, my Gary!

LAUGHTER

Come here, girls!

I've got sweeties!

Naw, that doesnae sound right.

So, on the barracks, girls, I'm quite famous for my difficult riddles.

Who's up for trying one?

LAUGHTER

All right. Riddle me this.

Who am I?

I'm big and I'm strong and I'm no scared.

And I'm a Corporal, and it starts with G and ends in Y,

and there's an AR in the middle.

Go on, Gary. Go on, Gary, solve it. I'll solve it!

I'm Gary!

LAUGHTER

Sto-o-o-o-o-o-o-op!

Gary?

It's the charred remains of a burnt tree.

It's the third omen.

My fate is sealed.

Are you coming or are you freakin' out?

Do I look like I'm freakin' out?

Naw(!)

Good!

Let's go, then.

All right, girls, let's go.

There youse are. You takin' them to Fanshaw?

No. You are.

We had a vote, and the girls voted you their favourite.

And where are youse going?

Let's just say we're off to see a woman about the gypsy she is.

Shall I dae one?

Right, right, all right.

Em...

I've been left home alone.

I'm an American wee laddie with two second names.

My surname rhymes with sulking.

Where is she? Where is she?

-Where is she?!

-I dinnae see her, what does she look like?

She looks like a gypsy.

Aw, this is brilliant, I'm gonnae die and never even patted a monkey.

Gary, you've been a victim of a seagull's defecation,

you've been unsettled by some young girls and you've seen a tree. This doesn't mean you're gonnae die.

And when did you become the expert, eh? Where's your mug of tea?

Naw, I need to find her.

Mate, mate, mate,

mate, mate, mate, mate, have you been here all day?

Aye, since 12.

See these bloody teenagers, the mess they're making.

Any chance you boys can come down here and shoot them?

Maybe tomorrow. Listen, I'm lookin' for a gypsy, right.

There was a gypsy caravan parked here all day, right. Did you see it?

No. Gypsy caravan? No here, son.

No today. I think you should stay off the glue.

Aw, this is brilliant.

I've lost my mind and I cannae find it.

I think we just need to get you back to the barracks. Sharpish.

If he's lost his mind, can I drive?

I havnae been made to feel very welcome.

Eh...

The food was pretty average.

It did get off to a bit of a shaky start, but, as times went on,

I've realised that there's a lot of potential.

It's shit.

Look at the place. It's in a bit of a...a bit of a state, eh?

It's really shit.

I really enjoyed the desert.

-Charlie...

-What?!

If it wasnae for the weather, I'd have actually marked it a lot lower.

Sorry, Afghanistan, I'm gonnae have to give you a six.

Afghanistan, I'm giving you an 8.5.

It's shite.

MUSIC PLAYS

Gary!

Gary, oh, my actual death-defying God, you're here.

Aye, of course, Julie. As if I was gonnae miss this, eh?

But Gary, are you no worried about the things the gypsy said about you dying

-and how it's definitely gonnae happen?

-No. Not once have I been, like, worried oot my mind.

That's a relief you're no worried about death, Gary.

Cos most people would be worried about death, you know, it being pure...

SHE GAGS

Julie, will you stop doing that? Nothing is gonnae happen to Gary,

apart from helping to win the dookin' tonight by a country dook.

I think you're really brave.

Thanks, Julie.

Right...let's do this.

Let's dook.

ALL: Dook, dook, dook!

Time!

Thank you, team Big Cox's Pippins.

Next up, The Gary Smiths.

Right. Come on, lads.

This is gonnae be a piece of apple.

Just stay focused. Mickey, one apple at a time.

Charlie, go for the smaller apples.

Gary, just play your natural game.

Positions.

Ready...

..steady...

..dook!

CHEERING

ALL: Dook, dook, dook!

Ah, look, they're really going for it. Dook 'em!

Right, lads, move it. That's it, Millar.

Kill, kill with your teeth!

McLintoch, what the hell are you doing?

He's tryin' to eat them.

Snap, snap!

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, sorry, I'm just really scared of sharks.

Don't worry, my er...bark is much worse than my er, er... Sergeant?

Quite, sir.

Time!

Gary, time!

McLintoch, on your feet, soldier.

-He's not moving!

-Sarge.

Get his massive head out of that bucket. Now!

Oh, no! No! Oh, my God, she said. She said!

Oh, my, actually, he's with God, God, Gypsy Anne Marie was right.

Gary!

He's no breathing.

Er, er...Sergeant?

McLintoch, snap out of this!

He needs CPR!

Shut it, Nurse Ratchett.

Do not die on me, you dookin' idiot!

Not...this...way!

HE GASPS

Dookin'!

Honestly, there was this bright light,

and this voice started to speak to me.

What did it say?

It said, "Gary,

"stay away from the light."

-God's frae Dalgety Bay?

-Aye.

God's frae Dalgety Bay. How weird's that, eh?

-So what happened wi' the dookin'?

-I think you going to heaven's somewhat reduced our chances.

Aye, well, sorry for dyin' and risin' again.

You dooked one apple which is good, considering.

Thanks, Julie.

Chaps, recommend the er...gypsy girl, bit of a hoot.

Said something nice is going to happen in the, er...

So the gypsy is actually here.

Gary?

'Member me?

Should I?

Aye, me. Gary, I seen you in town.

'Member the three omens of doom, ken?

Like, the winged beast and the devil's little helpers...

The charred remains of a lifeless figure?

Aye!

I remember.

Your stupid sarky remarks were gettin' right on my leaves,

so I thought I'd wind you up a bit.

Wind me up? I almost wound up deid.

Aye, but you never.

Look, I just need to ken nothing else is going to happen.

Of course. Silver...

All right.

The leaves say that you will live a long and prosperous life.

And everything you do will have luck.

Nae more death?

Not for a while. A long while.

Brilliant. I knew it.

I'm gonnae live to be the oldest man in the world.

Good for you.

Aye! And live long yourself and...prosper.

See ya.

Gary, did she say a nice?

Aye, Julie, she said a nice.

Listen up!

Here we go.

Er, yeah. Er...so, the dooking.

Er...now, in third...eh, Sergeant?

In third place, with 32 apples, it's Gordons Delicious.

APPLAUSE

In second place, with 34 apples, it's Ray Burns Braeburns.

APPLAUSE

And in first place, it's Gary Smiths with 35 apples.

ALL: Ya-a-a-a-a-a-a-as!

APPLAUSE

ALL: Whoa! Whoa!

-Close, though, just one in it.

-Aye, just one.

Just my... It was... I got, it was was my one!

It's me... I won it!

Speech, speech, speech, speech!

Speech, speech, speech!

Ah, thank you.

Erm, thanks very much er...

I just want to say...

Thank you, Gary.

Oh, you're welcome, Gary. It's yours, Gary.

The Gary Smiths!

ALL: Ye-e-e-e-e-e-es!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd