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Babe! Where are you?
-You just walked off!
There was this woman next to me in a veil, fiddling with her shoe
and I thought, "Oh, my God, terrorist!"
Oh, right. So you were gonna just leave me here to get bombed.
I know. And I do feel bad. But I WAS gonna text you.
Oh, well that's all right then...
-Look, where are you?
-By Nothing To Declare.
Have we got anything to declare?
I don't think so... Are you sure you don't want to get Nessa any fags?
No. She's given up.
-What? Since when?!
-Oh, I dunno. Anyway...
I got her a Greek flag for her collection, that's what she wanted.
-Come on, I'm excited!
I just love walking through and all the people looking.
I pretend like I'm really famous. HE LAUGHS
-What you doing?
-Oh, come on, join in!
-Lift it up! They won't see it!
-Why can't you just hold it?
-I feel like a right pillock.
-Oh, that's lovely, that is.
Your son and his wife have been away for over three weeks.
-I am not going over this again, Michael... Mick!
Mick! Michael! Will you look at me?
Everybody's staring at us.
Yes! And you know why?
Because they're thinkin', "Look at that lanky mardy-arse who can't even be bothered to hold up a banner,
"a BEAUTIFUL banner, that his wife spent three hours preparing last night!"
It only took three hours cos you couldn't spell Stacey!
-I KNOW how to spell it. I just got confused.
Because of the big pen.
Oh, here they are!
-Gav, oh, come here, my little prince!
-All right, Mum?
All right, Dad? Nice banner.
Oh, do me a flavour.
-So, good time?
-How was the hotel?
-Was the hotel nice?
-Oh, lush. Stunning!
-Yeah, really nice.
-And was the pool nice?
-There were four!
-One with a bar!
-Was the food nice?
-What about the food?
-It was OK.
-It was really nice, but a lot of fish.
-Really? We had mackerel last night, didn't we?
-Yeah, we did.
-And I had a tuna sandwich for lunch.
-And what about the staff?
-Were the staff nice?
-Yeah, the staff make a hotel.
-Yeah, they were OK.
-Tell you what, Stacey, when we were in Corfu, oh, those little shits...
-Have I told you this already?
-No, go on.
Well, we asked them to change the bedding every day, which personally I don't think is a big ask.
-I mean we're talking four-star hotel.
-It was five AA diamonds.
Well, one night me and Mick got into bed and I said to Mick,
"There is no way these sheets are fresh," and I've rung down to reception.
I just didn't believe him, so I've decided to lay traps.
So I've put two wine gums INSIDE the pillow case, Mick's side,
come back this one afternoon...
Mick's been snorkelling, I've had a hot stone massage and I've looked at the bed and I knew straight away,
-cos you know when you know, don't you?
-So Mick's reached in,
and he's pulled out the very same wine gums that I had placed there not three hours earlier.
I hit the roof, didn't I, Mick?
-So I've got him by the throat, this Stelios Cycliades,
-and I'm saying, "Look me in the eye and tell me that those sheets..."
Hang on a minute, it's Bryn. Hello?
Come in, London. Can you hear me?
-Hiya! We're back!
-Whereabouts are you?
-We've just got onto the M25.
And according to the nav, we're an hour and ten minutes away.
-Hello, Mrs Shipman!
-Oh, no, Pam, I meant Stacey.
-Oh, sorry! I thought you meant me!
-So did I! Hiya, Mum!
Hiya, Stace! Hiya, Gav!
-Hiya, Gwen. All right, Bryn?
-Welcome home, young man! Do you have a tan,
-are you bronzed?
-A little bit, yeah.
-Oh, I can't wait to see it!
Nessa's not here, luv!
Where is she? Have you spoken to her? Is she OK?
Yes, but there wasn't room for all your stuff...
..in the Picasso, so she's following on. I'll try her on the radio.
Nessa? Come in, Nessa, do you read me?
1-9 Rubber Duck.
Ho, Bryn... I'm not gonna tell you again, you can't call me "Nessa" on the airwaves.
-You got to use my handle.
-What is that?
-My code name.
-I'm sorry, Robert.
-I keep forgetting, what's my name?
-No, my handle.
I know we're in the car, but we did say...
-Dame Judi Dench.
-That's it! Dame Judi Dench. Now, I'm on the line to our London contingent
and I've given them an ETA of ten past five. Is that do-able for you?
Well, I got my foot down, Jude. I can do no more. 10-4.
MUSIC: "Before I Fall To Pieces" by Razorlight
Well, here we are! Home sweet home!
Ah, let's have a look at you in the daylight...
-Oh, you have gone a nice colour... haven't they, Mick?
-Yeah, it suits you.
-I am jealous.
-When are you takin' me away? Sardinia, I fancy.
-Give us a chance. I'm still paying off the wedding!
It was a lovely day, wasn't it, Gav?
-It was lush.
-But you know your Auntie Christine still hasn't spoken to your cousin John
after all that business with the dessert?
-It was just a joke.
There's a joke, then there's smearing somebody's face in cake
-till they nearly choke to death.
-She didn't choke!
The woman's diabetic, Gav, she was terrified.
He did look vicious as he did it.
-He gets like that, John.
-But nothin' else happened with Smithy or...?
-Oh, he was absolutely... wasn't he, Mick?
Him, Dirtbox, and Chinese Alan.
Fell asleep in the lift. Up and down they was going for an hour.
-And they all had rooms. What a waste of money!
-Right. I'm putting the kettle on. Who's for a cuppa?
-I'll have a coffee.
But he's all right though, Smithy, is he?
You know what he's like. Always a drama.
-Why, what's happened?
-He's been pining for HIM!
-No, I don't think so.
-Oi! Where d'you think you're going?
I mean, it IS weird...
-gettin' used to being Stacey Shipman.
I remember being very disappointed the day I lost my maiden name.
-What was it?
Pamela Andrea Griggell-Eschefska.
Which, you know, always felt quite glamorous.
And then in the space of one day, to go from that to Shipman...
You know, Ship Man.
I felt quite flat if I'm honest with you, the day after we got married.
Felt like I'd lost my identity.
You know, like Anne Frank. After they found her.
-Your cases are in your room.
-While I remember, sort your washing out ASAP.
I've got a white wash ready to go on tonight cos your dad's run out of pants.
-You've had to go commando today, right, Mick?
-You've no drawers on.
She's right. I'm flappin' around like an elephant's trunk down here.
-Elephant's trunk? I should be so lucky!
-Oh, here they are.
-Galimera! Ooh, continental!
-Galimera! Oh, yes. That's Greek for good morning. I learnt it!
# Ta-ra-TA-ta-ta-ra-TA-ta... #
-Oh, Gavin! Galimera! And look what I've had done!
"My niece went to Greece and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"!
-But she DIDN'T get it for you.
-Yeah, we got you a bottle of Cinzano.
I know! I got it printed for a joke!
Where d'you get it done?
Online! I did it five weeks ago.
-For a joke!
-Before the wedding? Before they got married?
Yes! For a joke!
-That'll be Nessa.
HISS OF BRAKES
ALL: Hiya, Ness!
-You made good time then?
Yeah. The road's been kind to me, I won't lie to you.
She can be a cruel mistress, the M25, but today I've been lucky.
All right, Bryn? Pam? Gav? Mick?
-Don't you need a special licence to drive one of them?
Not for the seven and a half ton, you don't. But I've driven them bigger than that, Mick.
I drove the sets for The Who on their world tours. Great days.
Till I found out things about Pete Townshend I didn't like.
And all I'll say is... and I said it to his face...
Where is the book?
-Right...cup of tea.
-ALL: Yeah! Cup of tea!
-How did the T-shirt go down, Bryn?
Yeah, it was March '89 I quit.
-That's when I went Stobarts.
Yeah. I was with Eddie and the boys for 18 months, all told.
You had a little soft spot for him, didn't you?
I did, Bryn, I'm not gonna lie to you. But I wasn't his type, apparently.
Since when has a great rack and an open mind not been a man's type?
Is he still alive, Eddie Stobart?
I think so. He's a deeply religious man. Very generous.
Gave you two trucks, didn't he?
He did. And I regret selling them now Bryn, to be honest, but they were a bugger to park around Barry.
-Everyone all right with a Chinese takeaway?
-You don't want to be cooking.
-It's just easier, innit?
-We could go out.
-Yeah! Can we go to that Italian?
-Yeah, let's go to Capriccio's!
-Hello, Smithy, darling.
-All right, Bryn?
What's going on?
What's going on?!
What's going on?!
I've been asking myself the same question over and over again in my head.
First thing in the morning, last thing at night. What IS going on, Gavin?
-I've been ringing you every day for three weeks. Your phone's been off!
Is that all?!
-You haven't told him, have you?
-I was on my honeymoon!
Right. Can we all stop calling it a honeymoon, right? It's just a holiday!
Yeah, but it wasn't just a holiday. It was the best time of my life.
When I went to Malaga with Lucy and her nanna, I called you every day, sometimes twice.
-Back off, Mick.
-You were only ringing for the West Ham scores!
That was an excuse, you fool!
I was getting the updates on my mobile. I was ringing you cos...
I was ringing you cos I missed you.
-I missed you these last three weeks an' all.
It's been horrible. I ain't been myself, I've been off my food.
-He's been round here every day.
-No-one's been out. They're all shacked up with their birds.
-What about Lucy?
-She's been grounded for two weeks.
-Her dad found ten B&H in her bag.
-Went ape-shit. I'm gonna go. I just wanted to check you're all right.
-He DID miss you, Smithy!
He talked about you every day.
Give him the present.
It's the one we read about.
In Nuts magazine.
Well, thank God for that.
Look, we're going out to dinner. You coming?
Capriccio's? ALL: Yeah!
'Course I'm coming!
-It's lovely to see you, Bepe.
-Always a pleasure.
And congratulations to the new couple, eh?
Dawn? Mum, it's Dawn!
-Ohhh! Hi, Dawney!
-Hello, you two!
-Fancy seein' you here!
You remember Bryn, don't you?
Stacey's uncle from the wedding?
Lovely! Look, they're back!
Came back this afternoon, didn't you?
Did you have a nice time?
Oh, it was fantastic.
-Yeah, and thanks for those vouchers. Really kind.
-Not a problem.
-This is Seth.
-He works at the butchers.
-He's a colleague of mine from work.
-I never knew you were a butcher, Pete.
-Yes. Yes, I am.
Don't let us hold you up.
Right! Well, enjoy your meal. We'd better...
And no olives. Thanks, Bepe.
Now. This is a tough one.
I'm in a bit of a pickle here.
You might have to come back to me.
No, no! I've got it!
It's a toss up between the gnocchi,
the pollo tagliatelle...
..or the risotto.
I'll come back to you.
I'm having the gnocchi. There it is, Pam. It's the gnocchi.
Apologies for the wait, these things take time. Hey, Gwen!
I've gone with the gnocci! Mick, I'm having a wonderful time.
-And for you?
-Si. Buona sera.
-Voglio ordinare bruschetta per tutti.
E qualcosa da bere?
Eh...due bottiglie di vino rosso,
due di vino bianco e acqua minerale per me.
E per pranzo?
-Prendo...l'osso bucco alla milanese con verdure e patate.
-Er...just a caesar salad, thanks.
I'm joking. I'm having a steak!
-So in the second week, Gavin organised this boat trip.
This company pick you up, and they give you a hamper and they take you to this island...
-this deserted island.
-Yeah, there's nobody there. Just us.
It's like being on Lost.
-We went skinny dipping completely in the nuddy, didn't we?
And in the last week we went paragliding.
-I'm going to the toilet.
-I've always wanted to do that!
We did it, didn't we? In Santorini.
Oh, yeah. Gwen, it is horrible.
-What is it? I want to know! Para what?
-I'll be back in a minute.
Paragliding, you're sat in the sea, and then this boat, a speed boat,
which you're attached to, slowly moves off and gathers speed and you move up with it.
Good God! Into the sky?
-What you on about?
You know what I'm on about.
Smithy. You haven't told him, have you?
I thought about it and I decided not to.
Look, I barely knows the kid. And what I do know, I don't like.
-You said you were going to tell him that night, at the wedding.
-I nearly did.
But I took one look at his disgusting face...
-He's not disgusting, he's cute in his own way!
-He's vile. And he's English.
-Well, now you're just bein' racist.
-It's not racism, it's xenophobia.
Stop being so childish. These aren't reasons, they're excuses.
Look, I don't want to tell him cos then I'd have to admit it was really happening. And I can't.
But it IS happening.
And whether you like it or not, Smithy's sat out there eating bruschetta,
unaware that you're pregnant with his child.
So. Now, let me get this straight.
I'm attached to a boat,
but I'm in the air,
-holding on to a parachute.
-Yeah, that's it.
-It's quite safe!
Well, stone me, Mick. I've heard it all now!
That's nothing. First time we all went away, to Magaluf,
Budgie... You remember Budgie? He was at the wedding?
The ears? He ain't been out of Essex before,
he's barely been out of Billericay. We get there, and there's this cliff hanging over the sea.
-What was it, like, 500 feet up?
-It was about 80 feet.
We've just got off the coach, and fully clothed, Budgie just runs off the cliff, and jumps in the sea.
-Comes up to the surface.
-Spittin' water everywhere.
-He looks up and he shouts...
"Someone's spilt some salt in here!"
He'd never been in the sea before!
-Gnocci? Who's for the gnocci?
-Of course! Sorry, yes!
I thought I'd gone risotto! I am the gnocci!
-That's Gwen's. I'll go and get them.
-That looks good, Bryn.
Oh, Ness... I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this might be the making of you.
-Cheers, Gwen. Genuine.
-Come on, you lot, your food's getting...
-You better come in.
-Shall I tell her?
-Tell me what?
Dawn! What's the matter, Dawny?
-Oh, stop it!
DAWN, stop it!
We met on the internet.
Our counsellor said we could inject some passion into our relationship
if we introduced a third party to the bedroom.
-So, we've been emailing each other for weeks.
All leading up to tonight.
And it was going so well, Pam.
But as soon as we start discussing the whys and the wherefores, y'know...
As soon as we start talking about that, he says...
he's very sorry
but our photo is not representative of the two of us as a couple,
and he feels he's been misled. He can't go through with it.
(I mean, the shame of it, Pam!)
Yes, it was an old photo.
But have I changed that much in 15 years?
No, Dawny! You're beautiful.
Thank you, Pam.
What you lot doing in here anyway?
Nessa's pregnant. BOTH: What?!
And Smithy's the father.
Oh, my Christ!
Right, I'm gonna start. This is ridiculous. Bryn, pass the pepper.
Cor, that's a big one.
-I can barely get my hand around it.
-Should have seen this one in Greece, in this restaurant.
-Oh, will you please give it a rest?
-Is that gonna be it now? "In Greece" this, "in Greece" that?
-I only got back today.
-Oh, not this again.
-I'm sorry, but it's like I don't even know him any more.
You're paragliding, eating hampers, you're not even having beer - you're drinking wine for some reason.
Yeah, well, beer is quite fattening.
-Says who - your wife?
-Oh, come on, mate. I'm back now.
did you think of me once when you were away?
-Course I did.
-What d'you mean?
-When did you think of me?
We were gonna play tennis, but Stacey's rubbish, so we didn't.
But I thought, "If Smithy was here now, we'd have a great game."
We would, an' all. D'you want to play tomorrow?
-I can't. I'm picking up the wedding photos.
-For God's sake!
I'm gonna find out where they've got to. This is ridiculous.
You all right, Pete?
What's it like to be you?
-I mean, you got the looks,
-you got the wife, you got the girth.
Would you say I was a good-looking bloke? I mean, do you think I'm attractive?
Well, right now you've got black teeth.
Have I really?
Pete is absolutely battered!
-Never mind that! Just get in here.
What's going on? We're all sat out there...
Dawn? You all right?
-The big black boy.
-The big black fella.
-They met him on the Net. They were gonna have a threesome but he took one look at them and bolted.
And Nessa's pregnant.
ALL: And Smithy's the father.
-Does he know?
Where's Pete? Mick, is he all right? Have you seen him?
Well... Yeah, I saw him just now.
-He's sat there, drinking. And laughing.
Will you go and get him for me, please... I need my Pete.
You're very lucky, you two.
I've never had what you'd call a BEST friend.
I had acquaintances, many. But never anyone...y'know, BEST.
And I suppose that's because I always had Trevor,
God rest his soul. But, of course, he was my brother.
So that didn't really count.
And, I've always been close with Nessa...
-But that's as far as it goes.
-I'll be back in a minute.
-You all right, Dad?
-Yeah. Give us a hand, will ya?
I said we should've got a new photo done - been honest, warts an' all.
But what do I know?
-Where we going?
So...are you gonna keep it?
Yeah. I am. I thought about it long and hard, no word of a lie,
but then I watched Vera Drake,
twice, and I thought, no, I can't be doing with all that.
-Well, in that case, you have got to tell him.
-But I don't want him involved.
-That's not up to you, my love.
There's two of you in this.
-Oh, my Pete! Are you all right?
-The black fella.
They met on the Internet, they were gonna have a three-way but he didn't want to. He changed his mind.
-And Nessa's pregnant.
ALL: And Smithy's the father.
I'll be your best mate.
-Well, I sure as shit ain't got one any more have.
-Come on, Smithy...
You're a young man. You've got your whole life ahead of you.
-You don't want to be tied down to an old fogey like me.
-You're not old, Bryn.
Are you? How old are you?
That, young man, is a gentleman's prerogative.
Anyway, it's not how old you are, it's how you are old.
You are so funny, Bryn. You know that?
You crack me up every time!
Not like him, the useless sack of shit.
Hey now, come on. You're crossing the line there, son.
He's in love.
And there's nothing you can do about it.
I love you Bryn-la, I do.
Let's meet up.
Every weekend. In Swindon.
-Just me and you.
-All right, you're on!
Do you want some of Gwen's lasagne?
-Bring it on!
-All right, let's do it! Come on!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-You've got to tell him tonight.
-I can't believe it. How long have you known about this?
-About three weeks.
-You've known for three weeks and you didn't tell me?
-Not that hard.
Don't argue, my loves, it's not worth it.
I love you, Dawny.
-You know when we were away, and I said I had something to tell you?
I told you Nessa was in the original line up of All Saints, but she left cos she didn't get on with Shaznay?
-I was trying to tell you then.
-So you made all that up?
No. That was true.
-It was a power struggle.
-Look, none of this matters, who told you when, and what have you.
What matters is, the person who HASN'T been told is the person that SHOULD'VE been, and he's out there.
I'll come to Wales, you can come up here.
I'll go to church with you.
We'll just hang out. You know, like best mates do.
Do you think Mick will mind if I finish this last slice of pizza?
So what if he does? I'll back you up.
Cos that's what best mates do.
-I got something to tell you.
And you're the father.
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