Comedy series. Smithy goes AWOL after learning he's to be a dad, but the boys find him. Will he do the right thing? Stacey is shocked to hear of Gwen's new domestic arrangements.
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ALL: And you're the father.
-How long have YOU known about this?
-I just found out tonight.
-He did. We all found out tonight!
-So everyone found out before me!
-I found out exactly the same time as you, Smithy.
-I bet SHE knew!
-I only found out on the wedding.
-That was over three weeks ago.
-Come on, mate.
-Don't "come on" me, mate, this is all your fault.
You and, 'er, ringing each other and texting, arranging to meet up in Leicester square.
I didn't even want to go that day. If you hadn't of dragged me there, none of this would have happened!
-It didn't happen that day.
-It happened at Pam and Mick's.
-When you went off, in the garden.
That?! That doesn't count.
-That was rubbish!
I can't deal with this.
Hey, hey, hang on a minute.
Smith, just give us a ring. Wherever you are, we'll come and get you.
We could be driving round all night. I don't know where to start.
Well, you know more than me, Mick. This is virgin territory to me.
I feel like I'm on patrol with the police,
driving around, looking for a crook.
Where has he gone?
Where will he be?
Will we have to lean on someone to get a lead?
-You just keep your eyes peeled, Bryn.
-What about Lucy's? Shall we try there?
-I don't know where she lives. I don't even know her second name.
-I've only met her twice.
-Once at his grandad's funeral, and once when she was washing cars with the Brownies.
-Gosh! The Brownies!
-How old IS she exactly?
-She's 18 next week.
She helps out... she's the Tawny Owl or something.
Where the hell has he got to? Try phoning him again.
Sierra Oscar to 515 receiving...
Still NO sign of Smithy.
I repeat, NO sign. Over.
Right, I've put the kettle on for those that want tea.
But personally, I'm having a brandy.
-I've got to take the edge off, Gwen.
-Oh, I know what you mean. You haven't got any port, have you?
Oh, I think so. Stace?
I'll have a dry sherry, I think.
Girls, is there any alcohol in Baileys?
-Only a bit. It's mainly cream.
-If you want my advice, I wouldn't.
Not at your age, and with you being, y'know...
Fair play. I'll stick to the tea.
I'll do it, my love. You sit down.
-You're all right. I need to take my mind off the fact that I'm pregnant by a man I can't stand.
You go ahead.
That poor girl! What IS she gonna do?
I mean, I love Smithy to bits, but he's not father material.
-I mean, not yet.
-Well, nor was my Trevor.
When I fell pregnant with Jason,
all hell was let loose. He couldn't cope.
He was drinking, and gambling and fighting and all sorts.
Drugs, orgies, robberies...
He couldn't bear the fact he was no longer free.
And he took it out on Jason.
He resented him. And I think that's what turned Jason gay.
Really? Well, that's interesting. Because Denise and Paul across the road,
their daughter, Nicola, is a lesbian gay.
And she has NEVER got on with Denise.
So I'm wondering, don't get on with the mother - lesbian gay,
-don't get on with the dad...
-You all right?
-Have you thought about what you're going do?
Where are you going to live? Cos you can't carry on where you are.
She lives, Pam, with a band.
-They're called The Distance. Three of them were in Catatonia...
-And the little Welsh one from Hear'Say.
-Well, that is no place to bring up a child, my love.
But what can I do? Richard said I can go there, but Judy won't have it. Not after what happened last time.
What it was, Pam, I was their nanny back in the day.
-They'd come home, after a morning's work,
Judy'd be straight on the whisky, and me and Rich, we'd make love.
Sometimes for whole Sundays.
And then he'd do his Ali G.
-It's the one off the Mayflower Road.
I've only ever been to a drive-thru once in my life.
The one at Culverhouse Cross. I went with Ness and the boys from The Distance.
I have to say I was blown away by it.
I mean, the whole idea that you can eat a meal without even leaving your car.
I felt like I was in the United States of America.
-IN AMERICAN ACCENT:
-Fillet o' fish...
for my wife...
For my wife.
-Hiya...is Smithy here?
-Yeah. Hang on a minute. Smithy? ..Just coming.
All right? All right, Gav, all right, Mick?
-Hello, I'm Bryn!
-Bryn, this is Rudi, Smithy's sister.
-No, call me Smithy. Everyone else does.
-Ho ho! Well, there's a thing, I know your brother,
-and I call HIM Smithy!
-All right, Bryn.
-Listen, have you seen him?
-Smithy? Nah. Why?
-It's a long story. We can't find him.
Well, there's a young girl, well, youngish. And he's only gone and...
I think we should let Smithy do the talking on this one.
I sit corrected. I'm putting my window up.
Ignore me. I'm Mr Blabbermouth.
-So you ain't seen him at all?
-No, I ain't spoken to him in days.
-He's had the right hump since you've been away. You know Lucy's been grounded?
-Ten B&H - what's the big deal?
-Cheers. We'll keep looking.
You tried the driving range, right?
-Of course! The driving range! He always goes there when he's upset.
-Course he does.
When West Ham got relegated, When they lost the play-off final.
-When Pam told him to go on a diet.
-That's where he'll be.
-Of course you can!
-Makes sense to me.
Look, Stacey's room is empty now, so why let it go to waste? Just till you get on your feet.
-Till the baby's born at least.
-You don't want to be on your own,
-that's the last thing you want when you're going into childbirth.
-Don't you think, Stace?
-We were just saying, it makes sense for Nessa to move in with me.
-Where? Where's she gonna stay?
-In your old room.
-In the spare room.
-But that's my bedroom!
-Where are me and Gav gonna sleep?
-You'll have to stay at Bryn's, love.
But I don't want to stay at Bryn's! If I'm coming home, I wanna come home.
But this is your home now, Stace. And you can't expect me to keep an empty room going
-just in case you decide to pop in on a whim.
-This isn't my home, it's Pam and Mick's.
And yours now, darling.
It's not! It never will be! It's just a room in a house, that's all.
-Hey, come on, no need to be rude.
I'm being rude?! You're kicking me out!
-Look, just forget it.
I'll stay with The Distance.
Shame you can't hit them like that when you're actually playing, isn't it?
I'm sorry about before, mate.
-It's not your fault. I just didn't know what to say, really.
How you feeling, all right?
I dunno. I dunno how I'm feeling. It's ridiculous.
-You've got to come back. You've got to talk to her.
-What am I gonna say?
I can't be a dad! Look at me!
I can barely look after myself, let alone someone else.
And as for her...erm...
-Yeah. I don't even like her.
-Well, you liked her enough to...
-All right. I know. But...what am I gonna do, man?
I don't know about nappies, or burping, or umbilical cords.
-No-one knows those things.
-That's the point. It's a learning curve for everyone.
Yeah, but I ain't got no money, I ain't got a flat...
nothing! Where's it gonna stay?
Listen. The night Pam gave birth to him,
I left that hospital, and don't get me wrong, I was flying as high as a kite.
But the minute I got home, I just lay in bed and I couldn't sleep. I was petrified.
Cos for the life of me,
I couldn't see how I was gonna bring up this little boy.
I still felt like a boy myself.
But then you realise, everyone feels that way. No-one's ready.
And yes, it was easier for me and Pam, we were married.
But you and Nessa, you'll be OK.
You'll make mistakes. But you'll get there, one day at a time. You will.
And I tell you, it's a hell of a journey.
He's right, Smithy.
And no matter how scared you are,
poor little Ness is back at Pam's not knowing which way to turn.
You gotta come back. You gotta do the right thing.
-Have you been the drive-thru?
-What did you have?
-We shared some fries.
Did you get me anything?
I thought you could have a bit of my apple pie.
-Ooh, give it a minute.
-It's quite hot.
It's a funny old night, isn't it?
I know. I feels very tense.
Would you like a little Indian head massage?
I won't, if you don't mind. I can't bear being touched from the waist up.
Including my chest. Waist down, I'm fine...
If anything, I loves it.
But waist up,
-just makes me nauseous.
Pam, I'm sorry about what I said about your house not being my home.
It's not, really, but it is. So I'm sorry.
-That's all right, my love.
-So what about the room?
Do I stay or do I go now?
The room's yours, Ness.
-Isn't it, Stace?
-Yeah. You can have it.
Mum's getting an airbed for when we come down.
Tidy. I've already spoken to Noel.
He said wherever I go, whatever I do, he's gonna be there. Pure and simple.
-CAR HORN BEEPS
-Oh, here they are!
-Did you find him? Is he dead?
-Yeah, he's fine. He's just on the phone to Lucy.
-Panic over, Pam, panic over.
-Oh, thank you, Jesus, Holy Son of God.
-What you doing? You're not Catholic.
-It's just what you do in times of crisis.
Like Brenda Fricker used to do, on Casualty.
But you're not Catholic. That's a Catholic thing!
-Is it? Are you sure?
Well, I never knew that!
I'll leave the door on the latch, Smithy.
Where did you find him? Driving range?
Yes! And I've never been to one before, Pam.
Golf-wise, I have lived a very sheltered life.
-I'm gonna make a cup of tea. Anyone else want one?
-I'm gonna have a brandy, take the edge off.
-Me too. Good idea.
Guess what. Mum's said Nessa can move into my room.
And when we visit, we gotta sleep on an airbed.
-That's all right, isn't it?
-What, you're not bothered?
-Well, we can stay at Bryn's, can't we?
But it's my bedroom, Gav.
-Don't you think it's out of order?
-Not really, no.
This is your home now, babe. With me.
Yeah. I guess. DOOR CLOSES
Come on. Smithy's back.
Did you get through to Lucy?
-No. She still at the gymkhana.
-I thought she was grounded.
It doesn't apply to horse-based events.
-Oh, for God's sake!
-Oh, get up!
-What you playin at?!
What do you mean? You said I had to do the right thing!
-He didn't mean propose.
-You said it was easier cos you were married. YOU said I should do the right thing.
-I don't want to marry that.
-I don't want to marry you. I'd have said no.
-Course you would.
Oh! Don't diss me in front of people. I'd have said no.
Why?! I'm a catch!
-I'm a hoot, aren't I, Pam?
Well, yes, but you're not everyone's cup of tea, darling.
Well, beggars can't have a choice.
Choosers. I mean, have you looked in the mirror recently?
-You look like you should be in Amsterdam doing tricks with Mars bars.
-Oh, thanks, Stace.
That was over ten years ago.
-I said forget it!
I'll have you know there's many an Englishman proposed to me, and only one I've ever said yes to.
-And that scarred me for life.
-He was a cracking bloke, Jared.
But he was in all sorts of trouble with the tax man, and he died whilst faking his own death.
-It's the worst way to go.
-I don't care about all this. I don't even know why I'm here.
-Maybe you need to both be on your own. You need to talk.
-What about? What am I meant to say?
I'm havin this baby. I'm keepin' it. But I don't want you involved. I don't even want you seein' it.
No! No way. If I'm having a baby, I'm havin a baby. And no-one is gonna stop me from seeing my boy.
I'll dress up as Batman and tie myself to the London Eye if I have to. Whatever it takes.
Cos if I'm gonna be a dad, I'm gonna be a proper dad.
Cos you're gonna need me. You're gonna be huge. I mean, colossal.
You are, Ness. You're gonna be massive.
And I'm petrified.
And I'll make mistakes.
But we'll get there, one step at a time.
And I tell you,
it's gonna be a hell of a journey. Isn't that right, Mick?
I appreciate that.
# And I will wait her a while
# Just long enough to be
# Sure that you
# Didn't make a wrong turn. #
What are you doing?
I want some meat, so I've got to eat it now,
cos when that lot come in, I'm gonna be on them disgusting veggie sausages.
It's like eating cardboard.
Why don't you just tell them that you're not vegetarian any more?
Morning! Sit yourselves down!
-Mick, move those supplements.
-I'll just shift these out the way. Did you sleep all right?
Not really, I didn't have much room.
That shower is out of this world.
-I could have stayed in there all day.
-The one downstairs?
-Now, is that what you'd call a power shower?
-Yeah, I guess so.
It's too much for me, Gwen.
You get in there and it blasts you in the face.
Well, I feel as clean as a whistle.
That's the longest shower I've ever had in my life.
# I love the way she fills her clothes
# I love those freckles on her nose
# I love the way she plays it cool
# I think that she is beautiful. #
-Morning, Mrs Shipman.
Still feels weird, calling me that!
Oh, have I got breath? Cos there was loads of garlic in that garlic bread.
-No, it's fine, just talk on an in-breath.
Y'know, like "morning!"
# She's so lovely, she's so lovely
# She's so lovely, she's so lovely
# She's so lovely She's so lovely... #
Can I try one of your special sausages, Pam? Are they nice?
D'you know what, I honestly can't tell the difference.
Everyone all right? Can I get anyone anything?
I'm gonna have some peanut butter
AND some jam!
And I'll tell you for why. I've got a friend, Tony.
One of my online buddies, he is, and he lives in New Orleans
at the aerodrome. He's having to stay there until he gets back on his feet.
And HE has for breakfast...
cos whenever we speak, lunchtime here is breakfast over there,
and I say to him, "What are you having for breakfast?"
And he says...
-IN INDIAN ACCENT:
-"Peanut butter and jelly."
Now, when he says jelly, he means jam!
I can't wait till I tell him about this. He'll be beside himself!
You all right, my darling? You sleep all right?
-Not really, no.
-Come and sit down. What can I get you?
-I'm all right, thanks, Pam.
-Well, you've got to eat something, Smithy.
-I'll just have a couple of sausages.
-Couple of sausages, right.
-And some of that bacon.
And an egg. Just the one.
Just haven't got much of an appetite.
-THEY SHOUT: Everyone all right for drinks? Tea, coffee, juice?
-I'm fine, thanks!
THUMPING GETS FASTER
It's gonna be a lovely day by all accounts. It's gonna be nice all week apparently.
Well, it said in the paper it might rain.
-Yeah, quite hard.
THUMPING GETS FASTER AND FASTER
-I always have the radio on over breakfast at home.
-Oh, yeah, let's have the radio on!
MUSIC: "Could It Be Magic" by Take That
# Come into my arms
# Let me feel the magic
# Of all of you
# Baby, I want you now
-# Now, and hold on fast... #
Stacey's just jumped in the shower.
-Oh, my Christ!
-What have you brought all this for?
-You said to bring everything, all your stuff!
-Where's it gonna go?
-I don't think we've got room for all this!
-I didn't mean everything! Just stuff I need.
I'm sorry, but you should have said. We worked hard to pack all this up. You should have been more specific.
-Well, I didn't think you'd bring the giraffe.
For goodness sake!
-I can't believe this. Ness, why didn't you stop them?
Oh. Don't blame me, I'm just the driver.
Hey, take a chill pill, Stace. Keep it real. It's not your mother's fault.
You can take out the stuff you need and the rest we'll take to the tip.
-You're not throwing it away!
-All right, we'll take it to Second Hand City.
I wouldn't bother. When I worked down there, they had no call for this kind of thing.
-It's all three-piece suites now, that's your money.
-There's stuff I don't want NOW
-but I might want it when we've got our own place!
-We can't take it back.
-There's nowhere to put it now we've done the room up.
-Done it up?!
you wouldn't recognise the place. I've only got the skirtings to do - job done.
-Cream it is, Pam. Cream and plum.
-Oh, that does sound nice.
-I don't believe this!
You've been waiting to get rid of me. When I got married, you went, "Get rid of her and her stuff."
It wasn't like that at all.
-I found it all very upsetting, if you must know. Sorry, Pam.
Look, why don't you have a sift through, pick out what you need now,
and all the stuff you want, we'll stick in the garage. Everything else can go Second Hand City.
It's not actually a city, Mick.
-It's a shop.
-No, you're all right, it's fine.
-I go for my scan in a few weeks.
-Right, do you need me to...?
No. I'm just telling you.
-How you gettin back today?
-I'm taking the truck.
-It is your baby.
-I was gonna say, is it safe to be driving that thing in your...
-I'm fine till 32 weeks.
Well, I'd like to come down if that's all right, for the scan with you, yeah?
I mean, if we're gonna do this, I want to do it properly. I'll give you some money towards it...
-I'm not gonna be an arsehole about it.
Right, so that's the stuff you want in my room - I mean, our room, that's going in the garage...
-God knows where.
-Well, we'll find a way, but I'm just saying it's gonna be a squeeze.
-And then that...
That's going to Second Hand City.
Will they take a footspa at Second Hand City? Would you buy a second hand footspa?
Well, I don't know. We'll have to ask Ness. Nessa,
-will they take this d'you think?
-Has it got a box?
-Not that I know of.
Not a chance. They'll laugh you out of there, Bryn.
-Just bin it then.
-It's half past now. Shouldn't we get going?
-But I've got to help Mick with all this.
You're all right. You're sticking around for a bit, aren't you?
-Yeah, I'm not going to Lucy's till 6. She's at an all-day swimming gala.
-She never stops!
She'll stop tonight when I tell her I'm the father of someone else's child.
Right. I'll just go and get the keys.
I'm gonna fire her up and get on the road, Gwen.
There's no need for us to convoy. Anyway I'm stopping off at Heston
-to see Ozzie and a few of the Stobart boys.
-Shall we join you there?
No. It's truckers only, I'm afraid.
Stace, I'll see you.
Take it easy, Mick.
Increase the peace, Pam.
-I'll give you a ring.
Tidy. Oh, Gav, you gonna give me a bunk up?
it's no joke in this skirt.
-See you back at base.
-Well, this is it then.
-Bye, Pam, thanks ever so much for having us.
-Sorry about all the stuff.
-Don't worry. We'll find a place for it, Somewhere!
Look after our little girl now.
I'm gonna miss this.
-See you, Uncle Bryn.
-Now, there'll be no tears.
-We're are just a phonecall away so...
-I love you.
Take it easy, Bryn-lar!
-When d'you think you'll next be down?
-I dunno. Two weeks maybe?
Well, that's something to look forward to, isn't it?
Hey now! No need to cry.
It just doesn't feel right, this.
It feels like I should be coming with you, coming home.
But this IS your home now.
I mean, Nessa's havin a baby and I'm not even there, and... I dunno.
-It just feels wrong!
It just feels funny cos it's new, but give it a few days and you'll have forgotten all about us.
-No, I won't.
This is a whole new chapter in your life, a brand new start.
You've got a cracking husband, lovely in-laws and of course it's going to be strange to start with,
but you gotta remember, love,
you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
Oh, come here.
You'll never know how much I'm gonna miss you.
Right. No more tears now.
-I'll look after her.
-I know you will.
# Goodbye, my lover
# Goodbye my friend
# You have been the one You have been the one for me
# Goodbye, my lover
# Goodbye, my friend
# You have been the one You have been the one for me
# I'm so hollow, baby I'm so hollow... #
Do we have to have James Blunt all the way home?
What is your problem with him? He's got a cracking voice.
I'd just like to listen to something a bit more uplifting, that's all!
-Can we just have the one about the wise men by the sea?
-And then you'll change it...
RADIO HISSES 1-9 rubber duck. Dame Judi Dench,
-do you read me?
-How's it going, Mr Mugabe?
-I won't lie to you, Jude,
I've just found out there's a four-car pile-up on the M4.
So if you want my advice, you'll come off at junction 11 and take the A48 all the way to Chepstow.
Fair enough. Message received and understood.
# She said to me
# Go steady on me Won't you tell me what the wise men said when they
# Came down from heaven Smoked nine till seven... #
It's the lyrics more than anything, they just don't make sense!
# Really sorry now for what they've done
# They were three wise men just trying to have some fun
# Look who's alone now It's not me, its's not me
# Those three wise men have got a semi by the sea... #
# Got to ask yourself the question Where are you now? #
What would you like for your tea, darling?
Can I have an omelette?
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]
Devastated by the news he's to become a father, Smithy goes AWOL. The boys finally track him down, but can he be persuaded to do the right thing? Stacey is shocked to hear of Gwen's new domestic arrangements as the prospect of living in Essex finally hits her.