Episode 3 Gavin and Stacey

-I'm pregnant.

-And you're the father.

-I can't deal with this.

-Smith...

-I can't be a dad. Look at me.

Mate, you've gotta do the right thing.

-I don't wanna marry that.

-I don't wanna marry you. I'd have said no.

Feels like I should be coming with you. Coming home.

This is your home now, babe. With me.

-This isn't my home. It's Pam and Mick's.

-Oh, charming!

No need to be rude.

I'm being rude?! You're kicking me out!

I go for my scan in a few weeks.

-I'd like to come, if that's all right. I wanna do it properly.

-Tidy.

TELEPHONE RINGS

-Hiya!

-Are you not up yet?

-What time is it?

-Nearly 11.

It's not! That means I've slept for almost, like, nearly 11 hours!

All right for some! What you up to today?

I dunno, really. Can't you come home and get into bed with me?

-I'd love to, but I sort of have to stay here.

-Oh!

-I'm sorry, baby, it's just...

-It's not you. I just got another rejection letter.

-Which one?

-The one at that car place.

-You didn't want that one, anyway.

Exactly. I can't even get the jobs I DON'T want.

D'you think it's cos I'm Welsh?

Don't be silly! Look, you just gotta keep going.

-Get on the Internet and start looking now.

-I will. I'll do it right now.

Straight after Loose Women.

-Hiya!

-Hiya!

-All right?

-Yeah. How was karate?

-It's jujitsu, darling.

-What's the difference?

It's a non-combative martial art.

We are defensive, they are offensive.

-But, I tell you what, Sue - you know Sue? Big fat Sue...

-Big fat Sue.

She didn't half give me a wallop. I said to her, "Oi!

"What's defensive about that?" You've had your breakfast, then?

Well, sort of. I had a brunch, I did.

Oh, I got up so late cos I set the alarm for ten but I didn't get up till gone 11.

And I thought, "I'm too early for lunch and too late for breakfast,"

so I just had a banana.

But, if anything, that made me more hungry so I ended up having

a sandwich, some cereal and a yoghurt, which is brunch, isn't it?

So I rang my mum and I said, "I've just had my first ever brunch!"

I'm not being funny, Stacey, but get a life.

What you said just now was really boring.

I mean, I can jabber with the best of them, but that?

I switched off at the end of banana.

-Sorry.

-You wanna get out of the house.

I know! Why don't you come fencing with me tomorrow. Because you know Pat?

-Fat No More Pat?

-Fat No More Pat.

She can't come cos she's having her staples out. You could make up the numbers.

-Oh, I'd love to but we're going Barry, aren't we?

-Oh, God, the scan!

What's the latest with Smithy and Lucy?

Last we heard, he was gonna meet her after Guides

-and try and win her back, but we've not heard from him since.

-TELEPHONE RINGS

-Hiya, Ness!

-"Alrigh' Stace, what's occurring?"

Nothing much. I'm a bit bored, to be honest.

-What's this I hear about a brunch?

-"Oh, it was lush!"

Right, I had a banana but I was still hungry, so I ended up having some cereal and a yoghurt...

Bear with me, Stace. Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

What does that sign say?

"Peidiwch a chyffwrdd a'r peiriannau."

Now sling yer hook, or I'll break your face!

Stace, I gotta go. It's mayhem down here.

But hang on...

Right, that's got to get to Guildford by first thing tomorrow, OK?

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello, Gavin speaking.

Yeah, don't worry. Joel's gonna Fed Ex it so it gets there by first thing tomorrow.

Yeah.

Yeah...

Brian, can I call you back?

Cheers.

What you doing here?

HE WAILS

Come on, let's go and get a coffee.

D'you know what she said?

She said she was relieved!

Relieved I'm fathering someone else's child!

-You know why, don't you?

-Why?

Cos it turns out...

For the past three months, she's been seein' someone else!

-Who?

-Y'know that Craig...

The one who washed my car on Bob-a-Job week, with the acne?

Started running the tuck shop together didn't they, youth club?

I knew something was going on. She started comin' home with shrimps, cola bottles, astro belts.

Guilt sweets, they were, Gav. Guilt sweets.

But with all them activities and seein' you, how'd she fit it all in?

Oh, she's been fitting it all in, all right.

Apparently she's got more in common with him, youth theatre.

I said, "I'll go to youth theatre." Know what she said?

-What?

-The cut off's 22.

He's 21, Gav. How does that make me feel?

I've been thinking about ending it all, to be honest. Suicide.

-What?

-Big time.

How many Neurofen would I need to finish me off?

You? You'd need hundreds.

I can't afford, that, can I? Not if I'm gonna have an 'oliday this year.

Do you ever get bored workin' here?

No. I find it fascinatin'.

I'm a people-watcher, Bryn.

I get you!

I see every thread of life's rich tapestry

in between these three walls, the whole spectrum of human emotion.

The whole gamut.

I see victory, I see defeat.

Anticipation, emancipation and demoralisation - and that's just on the fruities.

Can I ask you a question?

Go for it.

The Penny Falls.

-Are they fixed?

-What do you reckon?

My heart says no,

but my head says it must be.

-I mean, is it magnets?

-Copper's not magnetic, Bryn.

Then are they glued? Because it's something.

-I could tell you...

-I know, but you'd have to kill me.

No, I just don't want to. Now, we practising this song or what?

# I

# I

# Know I stand in line, until you think you have the time

# To spend an evening with me Evening with me

# And if we go some place to dance, I know that there's a chance

# You won't be leaving with me

# And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place and have a drink or two

# And then I go and spoil it all

# By saying something stupid like "I love you"

# I love you

# I love

# You. #

Well, it's all right, but I still think Islands in the Stream.

Never seen him like that before.

He was really bad.

Poor sod. He's been through the mill these last two weeks.

Well, I'm glad he's got you to talk to, cos he can't talk to his mother.

-You've not met Cath, have you, Stace?

-No.

-The woman is a mess.

-She's not that bad!

-She's all right!

Michael, she is the reason that boy is B-I-G.

I mean, the sister is like that...

-Here we go.

-Which doesn't add up, because when they were little,

she used to stuff both of them with Findus Crispy Pancakes,

gorge on a load herself and then...

-Every day. And she's a dinner lady.

-Well, she was.

-She quit.

-When it all kicked off with the headteacher.

-What happened?

Well, you're not going to believe it...

-Not this again.

-Mum, it wasn't true!

-Apparently they were... Y'know?

-Smithy's mum and the headmaster?

-Mistress!

-Mistress. Headmistress!

-No!

Yes! Hammer and tong. Pauline, her name was.

Married to a lovely man, Dennis.

For the love of Mike, where do you get these stories?

It is true, on my life.

Jan, you've not met Jan - No-Man Jan?

-No-Man Jan.

-She worked there an' all, in the canteen.

She says they were all over one another like a rash.

-Really?

-Yeah. And then Cath ends it, says she's not that way inclined,

says it was only a frisson, and suddenly Cath's not got a job there any more.

So she threatens to report it to the board of governors and, before you know it,

hey presto, she's got a healthy lump of mullah in her back pocket,

and Dennis is none the wiser, bless him.

That story is the biggest load of rubbish I've ever heard. When are you gonna learn?

You cannot trust No-Man Jan. That's why she's been divorced three times.

It's true.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Gavlar!

-Smithstar-Sistar! How's it going?

-Not bad, thanks. You?

-I'm good.

-This is Stacey.

-Hiya!

-All right. Heard a lot about you.

-Heard a lot about you, too.

-I'm Rudi. You can call me Smithy.

-OK.

Come in, he's still packing.

This Nessa bird's a mate of yours, then, is she, Stace?

Yeah, my best friend for ten years.

She was my third-best friend for two years before that,

-so I've known her, for about 12 years.

-All right? Did you see Cherice? I know!

Ah, shut up! Shut up!

All right, yeah, I gotta go. Aaah!

Yeah.

-Can I get you a drink or anything?

-Rudi, where's mum?

She's gone for lunch at Pauline's.

-Gavlar!

-All right, mate?

-How's it going?

-Good.

Why aren't you doin' it?

I just sort of did it. When? When we came in. With Smithy... I mean Rudi.

What was our agreement?

Don't shrug in my face. The deal was your friends can call you Smithy, but my mates -

aka Gav, Budgie, Chinese, y'know, the crew -

they call you Rudi which is, in fact, your name.

And your name's Ruth, so you still got a nickname,

-it's just not Smithy, which you only decided you wanted everyone to call you to annoy me.

-Not true, but go on.

And, as for the robot, that is all mine. Me and Gav, we invented it.

-You didn't invent the robot.

-Gav?

-Back me up?

-Well, we do it, but I don't think we invented robotics.

-No, but...

-Did you invent robotics?

-No, but...

-Did you invent the robot?

-That's not what I'm...

-It's a simple question,

-did you invent the robot?

-No...

-You said you did.

-Did you not say you invented the robot?

-You're a dick!

-You're a dick!

-You're a dick!

-You're a dick!

-Oh, God.

-"Oh, God."

-You're gonna do this now?

-"You're gonna do this now?"

-Yeah, how old are you? 12?

-"Yeah, how old are you? 12?"

-First time you've met Stacey...

-"First time you've met Stacey..."

THEY SHOUT AT EACH OTHER

Right... Agh!

Get off me!

THEY STRUGGLE

-Get off me!

-You're a dick!

HE SCREAMS

And this man is soon to be a father. Shocking.

-Should we stop them?

-No, they're always like this.

-Are you a dickhead?

-No!

-Are you a dickhead?

-Piss off!

-Did I invent the robot?

-Yes!

-Who invented the robot?

-YOU!

Thank you! Come on, Gav. Let's bounce. TELEPHONE RINGS

Had my fingers crossed anyway!

-See you, Rudi!

-Laters, Stace.

Just totally had a fight with my brother...

All right, love. Yeah. No, we'll be here, we're not going anywhere.

And watch that speed camera before the dip.

All right.

All right.

Of course!

Yep.

Yep.

All right.

Bye! They're just coming into Barry.

Tidy. They'll be here in ten.

-Hiya! Only me!

-They're just coming into Barry.

Right! They'll be here in ten.

Hiya, Ness! How's the Dow Jones looking?

I won't lie to you, Bryn, it's not good. FTSE's down an' all.

-That doesn't sound good.

-I been on to my broker all mornin'.

-He reckons there's another Black Monday coming.

-Seriously?

I dunno, Bryn, but even a dead cat bounces.

What you been up to?

I've been updating the MySpace.

I've got 17 friends now.

I'm snowed under!

It's ever such a lot of fun.

Did you bring the pump?

I knew I'd forgotten something! I've left it in the car.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Dermot, what's occurring?

How much?

OK. Oh, Gwen. It's 21 pence a share.

-What d'you reckon?

-I dunno, love.

Look, why don't you wait till Tokyo opens?

I hear you. Derm, I'm gonna hold off.

I'll call you later.

Genuine.

LOCKING SYSTEM BEEPS

CAR HORN HONKS

Look who it is!

-Hiya!

-Oh, look at you!

You look very well. Very rested.

All right, Bryn. How's it going?

I'm am very good. Very well.

-All right?

-How was your journey, all ri'?

Yeah, yeah. It was good, yeah.

Here he is.

Here's my lodger, my roomy!

-How are you, Bryn? All right?

-Now, if it's all right with you, you're on the sofa and I'll tell you for why.

I've turned the second bedroom into a gym, a work-out room.

-But the sofa is ever so comfy.

-Yeah, that's fine.

-D'you want to bring your bag in now?

-Yeah, OK. Cheers.

Want an omelette, either of you?

-I'm all right, thanks, Gwen. I had a big breakfast.

-Red pepper.

Well, look who it is!

Hiya!

It's not the same without you, Stace.

-Aw, thanks, Dor!

-Hiya, Doris.

And look at this lovely boy.

Oh, isn't he lovely? Come here, you.

You've got a great face, Gavin.

Gorgeous. And a great pair of lips.

Look at you!

How's your leg?

Oh, it's giving me terrible jip, and this hill don't help.

-You wanna get one of them little sit on things.

-What, Shopmobility?

I won't have one, Gav. Maureen's got one, she looks a right knob.

-Any news, Ness?

-21 pence a share.

-I'd sell, cut my losses, take the hit.

-Not waiting for Tokyo, are you?

-Yeah. They open in 40 minutes. Should know within the hour.

Well, you're a fool. They'll be 16 pence before you know it.

That's a risk I gotta take, Dor.

-We're having a fish supper later, fancy joining us?

-I would love that.

-Are you sure?

-Of course! You don't want to sit in on your own!

Hey, stop it, you! You're a married man now!

Although if you are interested in that sort of thing, y'know,

I'm very open-minded.

And discreet.

OK?

-Where am I standing now?

-It's the bus stop for Dave's Coaches.

-Yeah, and what happened here on this very spot?

-I don't know.

Right, when did I drive down to Barry, and you got off a bus, and...

-Remember?

-Oh, God!

-We said "I love you."

-Yeah!

And I said, "If you say it first, I'll say it back."

-No, that's what I said.

-Oh, yeah! Oh, that was so long ago.

It was only five months.

Is that all? It feels like ages.

-Oh, thanks!

-No, I just mean so much has changed.

I don't live here any more, and I just never thought I'd move out of Barry, that's all.

I never thought I'd come back here.

I only came down that first time so I could shag you again.

Gav!

What time's your appointment?

-10.45.

-She's got her first scan tomorrow, Dor.

-You're going through with it, then?

-Yeah.

-I think you're a fool.

The worse thing that ever happened to me, becoming a mother.

We never connected. I kept waiting for the mother-daughter bond, it never arrived.

- She was horrible, wasn't she, Gwen? - Who, your Moira?

I was in school with her, and I don't like to talk ill of people,

but she was a nasty piece of work.

She was the bane of my life.

Some days I'd see her and I'd be filled with hate.

I'd just want to smother her.

-Fair play.

-They didn't have beef and onion so I got you a chicken and mushroom.

Oh, that's fine, love! Doris, d'you want to sit at the table?

-No, I'm happy on my lap.

-You were cod, Doris, yeah?

That's me, love. I'll have the smallest one you got.

Only us! The roomies.

-The Men Behaving Badly!

-All right?

-Your three battered sausages, and Ness's three battered sausages.

-Cheers.

-Now, Bryn, you were haddock?

-That's it!

-Any salt and vinegar or anything?

-No, I'm gonna wait for the curry sauce.

Oh, what is it with the Welsh and curry sauce?

-You don't have it, do you?

-No, it's rank.

Worse than Northerners and gravy. What is wrong with a dry chip?

I can't eat chips without curry sauce.

I mean, a bit of mayonnaise or something, fair enough.

-But they're swimming in it.

-Now, are you sure tonight

you're gonna be all right on Bryn's sofa? You can have my bed.

-He's slept in worse.

-Slept in a wheelbarrow once!

-What's wrong with your spare room?

-Of course, you won't have seen it!

-I've given it a complete overhaul, haven't I, Gwen?

-Oh, I'll say.

Turned it into a gym. A state of the art fitness studio.

-Smithy's had a go.

-Oh, Gav, it's incredible.

I been doing them, you know, the...

And, honestly, I can feel the difference already. Seriously.

Well, you'll be hurting tomorrow, my boy, but you have to work through it.

You have to go through the barrier.

I mean, I'm in better shape now than I've ever been, aren't I, Gwen?

-Yeah.

-Smithy, put your hand there.

Gavin.

Now then.

That's relaxed, all right?

-Wow, amazing.

-Do it again, do it again.

No, no, no... Watch now.

Relaxed...

tense.

Relaxed...

tense.

Soft, hard.

And that is after one month. What d'you think, Gav?

-Impressive.

-I need to do something like that.

I joined a gym a couple of years ago. Fitness First.

Three years I was a member. Only went twice.

-Oh, my God! Doris is dead!

-Shit!

No, she isn't, love, she's just dropped off.

Doris? Dor?

-Oh! Doris!

-Oh!

- I dropped off, Gwen. - Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine, love, but I think my bed is calling.

Gavin, will you help me to my door?

-I could do with a nice strong man like you.

-Erm...

- Thanks, Gav. - Oh, I've had a lovely evening.

Thanks so much for the company.

-Stace, d'you want to come?

-Why? It's only next door.

Leave her be. Three's a crowd!

I'll see you tomorrow, Gwen. Night all.

-Night night.

-Night, Doris.

-Night, Doris.

Come on, you!

-See, this is when it hits me hardest.

-What?

-What?

-The not smoking. This is when I'd normally have a fag.

-But you're still eating.

-I know.

Two sausages, two fags, and then come back for the third.

-Right, there you go!

-Thanks, Gav.

Now you sure you don't want to come in for a coffee?

Nah, I'd better get back.

All right, love. Well, you know where I am.

I just think it's stupid, four of us going.

Well, they're not a proper couple, so they're probably glad of us bein' there.

I know Nessa is.

You only want to look at babies.

Yeah, well, it is my godchild, Gavin. I'm only taking an interest.

-She hasn't even asked you to be Godmother yet!

-She will!

Shall I bring it up or do you want it at the table?

I'll take it at the table, Gwen. Cheers.

Is Smithy coming over? Only he said he was.

-Yeah, I dunno where he is. Shall I go and get him?

-OK. Take the keys, if you like.

-Wow! All right, Ness?

-Don't come too close, Gav, my breath is rank.

-Nice.

No, seriously. It reeks.

How was the airbed, all ri'?

D'you know what? It's lush.

I want Gav to get one, but he thinks it's stupid.

-I can't, Bryn. I can't do it any more.

-Yes, you can!

I can't! No, I'm not like you, I'm not strong enough!

-Come on!!

-No, I'm done. It's over.

Now, you listen here, and you listen good.

Look at me. Smithy, look at me.

What?!

All that's happened here is you've hit a wall. Right?

And I've been there, buddy. Oh, yeah. Big time.

I tried to jump over it.

No way, too high. I tried to go under it. Uh-uh.

And you can't get around it.

So what are you gonna do?

You're gonna run right through it.

-Smash it! What are you gonna do?

-Smash it.

I said, "What are you gonna do?"

-I'm gonna smash it.

-I can't hear you, Smithy!

I'm gonna smash it, Bryn, I'm gonna smash it!

-All right! That's it! Come on!

-Yes! Come on!

MUSIC: "Jump (For My Love)" by Girls Aloud

Go, Smithy!

-SMITHY!

-Bryn!

-Smithy.

-Come on, Bryn!

-Smithy!

-MUSIC OFF

-Smithy!

Sorry, Gav.

Didn't see you there! We were in the zone.

-You all right, Gavlar! How's it going, all right?

-Yeah.

Oh, man! Great session.

Right. That's it. I'm done.

No, no, no.

You gotta warm down, buddy, otherwise you'll be stiff as a brick tomorrow.

Come on, on your back, you.

Give us a leg.

That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. Really relax into me.

Push it a bit more.

-There.

-TELEPHONE RINGS

I'd better get that, it might be Griff.

Gav, can you take over for a minute?

Er, sure.

What you doin'?

-Workin' out.

-Why've you got your top off?

-Well, Bryn said we'd get our clothes all sweaty. What's up?

-I dunno.

It just seems weird, you and my uncle-in-law working out with your tops off, rubbing each other.

No, it's not like we're rubbing each other. It's a warm-down.

It was Griff. Wants to book the cross-trainer for three.

I tell you what boys, this gym is the talk of the street.

I'm the new David Lloyd.

Gwen wants to know if you're coming over for breakfast cos we got to be at the hospital by half ten.

We've got breakfast sorted.

-Spirulina!

-What the hell's that?

Plankton, it is, Gav.

Pure vegetable plankton.

Full of vitamins and minerals.

Cheers.

-I love it.

-It's really nice.

Mrs James, please? Ruth James?

-How long's this gonna take? Y'know, the actual scan?

-I dunno.

What, no idea at all?

No, Smithy. I've not done this before either.

-All right! God!

-Jenkins? Vanessa Jenkins?

-That's you!

-Is that your second name?

-Yes.

-See you in a bit.

-How ridiculous is this?

She's having my child, I don't even know her surname.

I'll tell you what I like doin', I like lookin' at people, right,

and guessing whether it's gonna be a girl or a boy.

But you'll never find out.

Yeah, I know, so I just have to guess the answers an' all.

So far I've got three right and two wrong.

Right. Sorry to keep you. My name's Sian and you must be Mr Jenkins?

No. We're not...

-I'm Mr Smith.

-Oh, right. Well, who is married these days?

-Yeah, but we're not...

-We're not a couple.

Oh, so you're just friends, giving her a bit of moral support?

-Well...

-No, I wouldn't say we're friends, would you?

-No.

Erm, basically the whole thing - that - is just one big massive mistake.

-OK. But you are the father?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Right. Well, let's get on with it then, shall we?

-When d'you think we'll have a baby?

-Dunno. We got to get a house first.

Yeah, once we've got a house, and a dog...

We're not having a dog, I told you.

-But why, they're lush!

-They stink!

-But we can definitely have babies?

-Yeah. Course!

How many?

Dunno.

Two, three?

Four, five, six?

There it is! It's looking good, nice healthy size.

There you go! Makes it all seem real now, doesn't it?

HEARTBEAT

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

# Tell me tomorrow

# I'll wait by the window for you

# I'll wait by the big house for you

# I'll wait by the squeezebox for you

# I'll wait by your dresses for you. #