Episode 4 Gavin and Stacey

-I've slept for nearly 11 hours.

-You wanna get out the house.

-Why don't you come fencing with me tomorrow?

-We're going Barry.

Oh God, the scan.

-Vanessa Jenkins.

-Is that your second name?

-Yes.

How ridiculous, she's having my child and I don't know her surname.

That is just one big massive mistake.

It makes it all seem real now, doesn't it?

BOTH: Yes.

TV: And punch it out and do it again.

SHE GROANS

-PHONE RINGS

-TV: ..and do it again.

-Hiya!

-How you getting on?

-I'm good. I'm just doing my video.

-Which one?

-Judith Chalmers boxercise.

Right. Any news on that job?

-No, I've still not heard nothing. I rang about two this morning but they've already gone.

-Oh, babe.

-But there's something going at the zoo.

-The zoo?

-Yeah! Can you imagine?

That'd be immense. What we doing tonight?

-Shall we go to the pictures?

-Nah, Dad's doing his lamb.

-Oh, lush.

-So, we'll just have a quiet night in, eh?

-Yeah. That'll be nice.

Mick's gonna be on the telly, Stacey!

-Mick's gonna be on the telly!

-What?

-Mick! He just phoned. He's gonna be on the telly, can you believe it?

-Are you serious?

-Yeah, he's gonna be on tonight!

-I've gotta ring Dawn.

-I gotta ring Gav!

I know! He's gonna be on the telly! He just rang me. Hang on.

-Smithy?

-Is your old man gonna be on the telly?

Yeah, I just got a text from Gary and Simon. Unbelievable! Six o'clock, yeah? I'll be there!

Well, I never.

OK! Six o'clock.

Yes, we'll be watching.

Mick is going to be on the telly.

No, I was just telling Nessa.

OK, bye.

You are never gonna believe this!

-Mick's gonna be on the telly.

-Yes!

Oh, my God! I brought some bubbly. Can you believe it?

I know! Come in, come in!

God, It's all over the radio.

You are joking me!

No! And they said he was 53. I said to Pete, "They got that bit wrong for starters!"

Where is Pete? Is he coming over?

Oh, don't talk to me about that dwarf. Hiya, Stace.

-Hiya!

-Fancy a drop of this?

-Ooh, go on then.

-I just heard Dad's name on the radio.

I know, Dawn said. He's the talk of the town!

-Hiya! It's so exciting, isn't it?

-I know, it's nuts.

-Everyone's watching in Barry!

Well, this is peachy.

This is the best day of my life.

Mick on the telly.

-There you are, love. Just cheese. Are you sure that's all right?

-Crystal.

I wonder how he's feeling now?

Well, it'll be a mixture of nerves and excitement I should imagine.

I remember when I was on TV.

I mean, it was different - it wasn't actually me, it was a photo-fit, but the likeness was uncanny.

I found it terrifying.

They got you spot on.

It was so good I had to shave my head.

Here he is! And look at all the paparazzi. Come on, superstar!

-Give it a rest, will you?

-Stand back, stand back!

Security's here! Come on, there's nothing to see!

-Not you as well. I wish I'd never mentioned it.

-Dawn!

-Pete's pretending to be Mick's security guard!

-Tell him to grow up.

They said you was 53 on the radio, I said to Dawn, "They got that wrong for starters!"

Hey!

Was that him? The movie star?

Yeah, but he's just a regular guy, Betty. He's just like the rest of us.

Well, we're taping it, aren't we?

Ah, that's the spirit.

When I say taping, I mean we got one of them boxes, you know, all remote.

Oh, yeah! We've got one of them, they're incredible.

And you can pause it you know and everything.

If you want to make a cup of tea. That's right...

How's the house hunting coming along, Gav?

-We haven't really started yet.

-We're looking at our first place tomorrow. I can't wait. I am so excited.

I remember my first place.

It wasn't much, nothing special, but it was mine.

No-one else telling me what I could and couldn't do, grinding me down 24/7.

Happy days.

-How's the lamb, Pam?

-Yeah, all in. There you go.

-Wait till you taste my marinade.

-- I'll be having a lentil bake. - This is good stuff.

- Yeah. Courtesy of your lady wife, thank you very much. - What?

-You bought this?

-Yes.

-So there's no money for me to play golf on Sunday,

but there's money for champagne?

-Don't embarrass me, Pete.

-You're unbelievable.

You're unbelievable, you vicious little pig.

It's on! Come on!

-Oh, my God.

-I can't believe it.

-TV:

-The Six O'Clock News on BBC One with George Alagiah.

Good evening and welcome to the Six O'Clock News.

-It's starting, Gwen.

-I'll be there now!

The Health Department announces more cuts on the way.

A murderer strikes again in Essex.

A dismembered body is found in a Billericay car park.

CHEERING

-Cracking.

-Tell you know what show I'd like to be on.

Stars In Their Eyes.

-Who'd you be?

-Well, it changes on a daily basis.

If I had to go right here, right now,

David Bowie. Gwen? Stars In Their Eyes.

Who'd you be?

-Suzi Quatro.

-Ness?

Prince.

Every time.

Yes, I know! Yes, the dismembered body.

That's Mick! Yeah, it's the third item on the programme.

Yeah, all right then, bye.

Where you going? It'll be on any second.

-I know, I won't be long.

-So was it chopped up?

-Yeah, and it was charred, like it had been burnt.

-Ooo!

-You all right?

-Yeah, I'm just having some chocolate.

-We're eating in a bit. What's up?

-I dunno really. I've gone down, if I'm honest.

Ah, come here. Why you feeling down?

I'm just a bit bored, you know? A bit useless.

And your dad being on the telly and that, just reminds me that I've never done anything like that.

-He found a dead body, babe. It's not an achievement.

-I know.

But I just feel like I'm getting under everyone's feet.

You're all on at me to get a job, and...

If I'm honest, I'm just a bit homesick.

-Oh, come on. We can't have this all the time.

-I knew you'd say that.

-Nessa's coming up tomorrow. We're looking at houses.

-Flats.

-You've gotta be more positive.

-There's no point talking about it. You don't understand.

-Have I missed it?

-No, it's next item up.

-Quality. Where is he?

Michael! Mick-lar! Pamel-ar!

Smithster!

-Dawn-lar! What a treat, take it high! Peter-loni on the back wing.

-Smithy!

Dream. That's all over the box! Been on the radio an' all, ain't ya?

Rudi texted me, they said you was 53, Billy Bullshitter!

-So how's everything with the baby?

-Er, yeah good, I think. We went down for the, um...

-Scan.

-Yeah, and all good.

-We got the, er...

-Photograph.

-I've got it somewhere. Where is it? It's in my...

-Wallet?

You got it.

Here you are.

That's the head.

And that's a little arm there.

Oh, sweet! Looks like you, Pete.

Only taller!

-Sssshhh! It's on! It's on! Gavin! Gavin!

-Gav-lar.

..is at the scene.

I'm standing in the car park of a large engineering firm here in Billericay.

At approximately 7.30 this morning, a dismembered body, as yet unidentified,

was discovered by a Mr Michael Shipman, 53,

who's one of the company directors and this is what he had to say.

It's the last thing you expect to find when you come into work in the morning.

Later I spoke to Police Detective Richard Shed.

Detective, what can you tell me about the situation regarding the body and how it was found?

-I'm afraid I can't disclose anything.

-Detective, thank you very much. Back to you in the studio.

- A study of obesity released today claims that many male... - Is that it?

Is that IT?

Was that it?

-Well, I'm bitterly disappointed.

-Crikey, Dad, it was hardly worth mentioning!

-Don't switch it off, maybe he'll come back on.

-I spoke to them for more than 15 minutes.

-Saying my thoughts went out to her family and all sorts.

-Oh, that was nice.

They've made you look a right tit.

I know. I know! What a joke. He says he talked to them for half an hour.

He'll have spoken to them for at least 15 minutes, if not half an hour.

-What makes you say that?

-Well, when I was news producing for the BBC, that was the golden rule.

You had to cover every base, leave no stone unturned.

Kate Adie used to moan about it all the time.

In the end, I had to say to her, "Oh, Kate Adie, you're the face, I'm the brains. Now get on with it."

She was very difficult.

-Horrible woman.

-Selfish.

Nah, go on, who's this?

-"Well, you just don't expect it when you come into work in the morning!"

-Yeah, all right, all right.

Go on, Gav, you do it!

"Well, you just don't expect it when you come into work in the morning!"

-That looks lovely! What is that?

-It's really easy. It's garlic, olive oil and rosemary

-and I've bashed it all together in the pestle.

-Now, is the pestle the bowl or is that the mortar?

You know, Pete, I don't know. I've just always called it the pestle.

-I'm gonna look that up. Wikipedia.

-What I've done is massaged it, rubbed it over the joint.

-And then let it stand marinading for an hour.

-An hour?

-An hour?

-An hour.

-That is brave.

And it's not too overpowering?

No, because none of it is penetrating the meat.

It's just permeating through. And you wait till you taste the gravy!

-Can I ask you a personal question?

-Sure.

Where did you get them oven gloves?

I tell you why I'm asking. Dawn got me a pair last Christmas.

I loved the colour. It was like a charcoal grey.

-Ooh, nice.

-But I swear, I could have only picked up two,

three baking trays, four at tops, and they melted straight through.

-And you never replaced them?

-No.

-So what you on now, tea towels?

-Yep.

-That's not good.

-You're a fool. See that blister? That's tea towels.

Here, give these a try.

Yeah, that is nice.

Can't feel a thing.

Look, don't get me wrong, we LIKE having them here, it's just...

Thing is, she can do no wrong in his eyes, or Mick's for that matter.

It's difficult, isn't it? What about the eating, then? She still think you're vegetarian?

I can't tell her, Dawn. The lie's too deep.

I'm in it up to my neck! We're going on an animal rights demo in a fortnight!

-What's that?

-What? Nothing, darling.

Yeah, you were saying something.

Oh, it's nothing.

Look, if it's about the threesome, you can talk about it in front of me. I don't mind.

Yeah. It was about the three-way.

What's the latest on that front?

Well, we are still looking...

Ooh, isn't it exciting?

But it's definitely not Seth.

He's a complete no-go.

Pete's flown him back to Ghana.

Probably for the best.

Aw, there's a shame, he was lush.

Well, we do have a few more irons in the fire, but I can't say too much cos I don't want to jinx it.

Is one of them Mick?

I don't see why, if we're pulling it out to here, why we can't move the door and all.

I'm worried about that RSJ.

Yeah.

Do you know what an RSJ is?

No.

-It's a Rolled Steel Joist.

-What?

A Rolled Steel Joist.

Rolled Steel Joyce.

Not Joyce, it's not a... It's a joist!

-A joist!

-Joist.

-A Rolled Steel Joist.

-Rolled Steel Joist.

-Do you know where those details are for the flats we're gonna look at?

-Under the coffee table.

We're gonna need to measure the distance from here to that wall.

Here, give it here then.

-Stace, you in the shower?

-Yeah.

Well, just ignore me, won't be a sec.

Pam!

-What's that?

-Five point eight.

See? That should be long enough. There's even room for a heated towel rail! Cheers, Stace.

-Oh, is it giving you jip, love?

-Yeah.

-I not gonna lie to you.

-Do you want your sling?

No, I gotta ride it out.

-I'm off soon anyway.

-Where is Bryn? He should have been here by now.

-You doin' me an omelette for the trip, like?

-I'm just lettin' it cool, love. Cheese and ham.

-Where've you been? I've been ringing and ringing.

-I've been watching Brokeback Mountain.

-Again?

-You watched it twice yesterday!

-I can't get enough of it. Every shot is like a photograph.

-You just loves that Heath Ledger, don't you?

-I think he's a cracking actor.

But then again, so is Jake. And the two of them together...

Double bubble.

-Right, are we ready for the off?

-I'm still waiting on this omelette. Gwen, what's occurring?

-Yes!

All right Bryn, let's do one.

I'm so sorry, babes. She doesn't think. Were you completely naked?

Yeah! My full foof and everything!

Oh, man! I'm sorry.

-Is it right onto Picton Avenue?

-Yeah, right and then it should be up there on the left.

Not sure about this, are you?

-We haven't been inside yet.

-Gav-lar!

-Up here!

-Hiya!

-All right!

-What you doing here?

-Come to look at a flat.

-Gavin-lar!

-Deano.

-You've not met Stace, have you?

-No.

-Yeah!

Oh, no, we haven't actually met, but I saw a photo of you.

You were wearing a white dress, standing outside a church.

I think it might have been someone's wedding.

-Yeah, probably.

-So what are you two actually doing up there?

Fitting a satellite. You know us, Stace...

Satisfaction with every erection.

Not that he's satisfying anyone with his erections lately.

Absolutely gagging for it. How many did you shift out last night?

-Shut up, mate, I wasn't...

-Four, wasn't it? He sent me a text saying he cracked four in under two hours.

This is not meant for the delicate ears of a young lady like yourself.

Don't worry about it, I'm just the same. Being at home doing nothing, it just passes the time.

Like yesterday, I had three just watching Cash In The Attic. I think it's lush!

-So you're still all right to pick Ness up, aren't you?

-Yeah.

-And we thought we'd go bowling or something.

-Bowling? Arrrgghh. Whose idea was that, hers?

-It'll be a laugh.

-Yeah! She loves it.

-She's not my girlfriend or anything.

Well, you are the father of...

-Yes, I'm the father of her child, it doesn't mean I have to like her.

-You comin', Deano?

-Bowling? Nah.

-Scared of the shoes.

-Come on, we're gonna be late.

-See ya!

On the morrow, young Galahad!

How about her getting her five a day?

That's the Welsh for you, mate.

Filth. The lot of 'em.

-David.

-Bryn. All right, Ness. How's it going?

All right, Dave. How's it going?

-Business is booming I see.

-Yeah, not bad.

A lot of these are going to Tussauds.

And how are you keeping within yourself?

Up and down, Bryn. It's been a tricky few months. I won't lie to you.

I heard. I heard about the problems.

Not from me, Dave. My lips are sealed.

Cheers, Ness. I appreciate that.

-I only wish they had been at the time, like.

-Very nasty business. Spread like wildfire.

-Are we all cleared up now?

-Pretty much. I'm into the back end of it.

-I'll say.

-I miss you, Ness. I miss you being around.

-Why don't you come the barn dance?

-What's that?

Gwen's birthday on the 28th. We're short on numbers, aren't we, Bryn?

Yes, and no. I've still not heard back from people so...

-One more can't hurt though, can it?

-Well...

-What do you reckon, Dave?

-You know me, Ness.

I loves a barn dance.

But it's up to Bryn.

Oh. What's occurring?

Nothing, nothing at all.

It'll be great to have you there.

Cracking, count me in. Fancy a little Dozy Do, Ness?

-I think I've had enough doses from you for the time being, thanks Dave.

-I know. I'm sorry.

-I shouldn't have asked.

-Right, well.

Safe journey, Ness.

Oh, and Dave. It's a surprise it is, the party, so keep it under your hat.

Party? What party?

Gwen's.

-What's the matter?

-Nothing.

-Yes, there is. What's up?

-Nothing!

-You've got to go into these things...

-With an open mind. I know. You said three times.

Guys! I am so, so sorry.

I thought...

Anyway, I'm Duncan. You must be Gavin, and you must be Stacey.

I'm only kidding!

Pleased to meet you.

Now, I'm gonna hand you the keys because, the wow factor is on the other side of the door.

Follow me.

So, I'll, er...

let you find the flat for yourselves.

Let you absorb,

take it all in. Take in the space.

There's something beautiful about that, isn't there?

-So this is it?

-Yeah, this is a studio flat.

It says a large studio.

-It is.

-Is it?

-Well, compared to a lot on our books, this is massive.

This is your living cum kitchen cum bedroom area

and that's what makes this unique, because you've got everything.

I mean, I live in a three-storey town house, and believe me, those stairs are a killer.

Room on each floor.

Made a big mistake there, really.

I should have bought this place. Stupid! And there's your bathroom. So it's on the market for two...

-Can I have a look?

-What?

-At the bathroom.

Well, yeah. All I would say, sometimes your eyes can...

-Can we look at the bathroom, please?

-Yep.

-It hasn't even got a shower.

-It's just a toilet and a sink.

-Yeah, "Hasn't got a shower"

or "Hasn't got a shower where you thinked it should have been". Take a look at this.

Now, what you've got here, is a wet room slash kitchen. See that?

Drainage. In Sweden they've all got one of these - they call it "Das Vetkutchen".

I tell you what, Stacey, come and stand here. Come on.

-And Gav...in. Gavin, come and hold this.

-No, you're all right.

-Just come and hold this.

-Nah, it's fine, really.

I'm not gonna turn the taps on.

There you go.

That's it. Move it around a bit.

Yeah, there's something quite beautiful about that.

I'd like to leave now, please.

-Eight and a half, thanks.

-Gav! They were disgusting. Every one of them. Four, please.

-I can't believe you're even considering any of them.

-I'm not.

-We've got to be realistic.

-For that money you can get a lush place in Barry.

-There's a reason for that.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-There's a reason houses are cheap in Barry.

-Why do you always slag Barry off?

It's difficult living with a person who thinks Barry Island's the best place in the world,

-who can't acknowledge that it ever even rains there.

-It doesn't rain there much.

-Don't be like this.

Gavin Da Jahah Jahah!

-All right, Smith? Nessa?

-How's it going, Gav? All right, Stace?

-Not really.

-Cos someone who'll remain nameless is being a knob.

-She's talking about you.

Yeah, I imagine so. You need some shoes.

-She's got her own.

-I takes bowling very seriously.

-Shall we get some drinks?

-Yeah.

-See you on the lanes.

-Did you bring yer ball?

-She's in the case.

-What's up?

Don't ask.

I've just had enough of it, Ness.

I got nothing to do all day. I just don't feel like I live there.

-I always feel like I'm a guest, you know?

-I do.

What you doing?

Shining her up. She's not been down the lanes in a long while this one.

A bit of a polish sends her on her way.

-Don't say anything though.

-About what?

-About what I was just saying.

-Of course not.

It's just at the moment, you know, she's doing my head in.

Smithy, do you want to go in as Smithy or do you want me to do a funny name?

Like Gay Boy? I've put Gav down as Knobhead.

Just put him in as Smithy. Come on.

I'm itching to bowl.

-Wow. I've never seen one like that before.

-You've never seen anyone bowl like this before.

Right, who gets 11 strikes? I mean, what are you, semi-pro?

-It does matter and I can't believe you don't think it does.

-I think renting...

-What are you saying?

If you shut up for a minute and stopped shouting like a child...

-Oh, Stace! What's occurring?

-I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go home.

-You all right, mate?

-Stacey! Can we please talk about this?

-I want to go home!

-Right.

-Do you mean Barry Island, or you know, Mum and Dad's, where we live?

-Oh, grow up, Gav.

ME grow up? I'm not the one who can't spend more than five minutes away from their family.

-Did you hear that, Ness?

-I'm not getting involved.

-Let's all get in the car.

-I thought we were getting a KFC?

-We're not getting a KFC.

-What?!

-Three door, innit?

-Yep.

It's one rule for you and one rule for me.

-That's simply not true!

-It is!

-I'm trying to...

-I'm sick of you, I'm sick of this house, I'm sick of the way you...

-Oi! Oi! What's going on?

-Nothing!

-Will you just calm down a minute?

-It doesn't sound like nothing.

Everything all right?

-Don't worry, Pam. Your little Prince is fine.

-Eh?

-Stacey!

-What's going on?

-I don't know, Pam. All I know is if I don't eat this now I'm gonna faint.

Me too. I can barely breathe.

What have I told you about eating late at night? All that cholesterol.

-It's only a six piece.

-And we got coleslaw.

Well done, darlings. Now, Nessa, you know where you're sleeping, do you?

Yeah, thanks, Pam. Cracking.

-Night, God bless.

-Just help yourselves to whatever.

-What are you doing? Leave them be, woman. Come on.

-Don't you "woman" me.

-He's my only son. I've got a right to know what's going on.

-No, he's a grown man, Pam.

-You're gettin' on my wick, Mick.

-Then we'll wait a few more months.

-A few months!

Oh!

MOANING

Oh, God.

Oh, that is so good.

Yeah.

You just can't beat it, can you?

-What is that secret blend of eleven herbs and spices, d'you think?

-I know. The result is immense.

So. How you finding single life?

-What was her name again?

-Lucy. Yeah, it's fine.

It's all right. You know? There's some things I miss, obviously.

Yeah. Stace was saying you been crackin' them out of late.

What?

Why would she... I can't believe...

Don't worry about it. It's normal. I'm in a similar position myself.

Right.

D'you want that corn on the cob?

-Is that a euphemism?

-What? No, I'm just saying there's one corn on the cob left and you can have it.

If you want it.

Do you want me to have it?

I can see the benefits of having it.

I'd just be worried how you...

or I would feel after having it.

Makes no odds to me, as it goes.

If I have it it'll be a nice addition to the meal, if I don't... then, I'm pretty full up already.

The question is, Smithy,

do you want the corn on the cob?

Don't get me wrong.

When I look at it there,

all hot and dripping in butter, just...

inviting me in,

I've got a real hankering for it.

-Like a real need.

-Mmm...

But I would just be worried that if

I ate it tonight, I'd be expected to eat it more frequently.

I wouldn't worry about that, if I was you.

Corn on the cob is a once in a blue moon treat as far as I'm concerned, which once eaten is soon forgotten.

It won't be mentioned ever again.

To anyone.

Well, that's good to know.

# My mind's telling me no

# But my body, my body is telling me yes

# Baby

# I don't want to hurt nobody

# But there is something that I must confess... #

Oh, God.

-So, shall we...

-Yeah.