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-I'm a bit homesick.
-Come on! Not this all the time.
-Stacey, can we talk about this?
-I want to go home.
Do you mean Barry Island or Mum and Dad's, where we actually live?
-Grow up, Gav!
-Me grow up?!
You can't spend five minutes away from your family!
Do you want the corn on the cob?
When I look at it there...
all hot and dripping in butter,
just...inviting me in.
I've got a real hankering for it.
-So, shall we...?
Yes! Nessa told me!
-D'you think he'll still come to your mum's party?
Bryn's already low on numbers.
Smithy hasn't told me and it happened a month ago!
We played football last week. He never mentioned it!
Did you get my email?
-I sent you an email.
-No, which one d'you send it to?
-I ain't checked, I'll just open it now.
-It's lush it is, babe.
-It's a new-build, two bedrooms and it's in our price range.
Yeah. And it's got a bit of a garden.
Great, sounds incredible!
-It's in Barry.
-I know but...
No, Stace. You've got to stop. We're not living in Barry.
You know why and I'm not going to keep going over this every day.
I've got to work. What you doin' today?
Nothing, Gav. I'll just be here.
OK, then, right, speak to you later.
I'm sorry, mate. I just hoped I could pretend it never happened.
Why did you do it?
I don't know! It's been a while since I been at the crease!
But you don't even like her, do ya?
No, but she just SUCKS me in.
She's like a Dyson. Before you know it, I'm head down, gunning for it.
I don't understand how it came about.
-You weren't even drinking.
-That's what makes it worse.
So, what happened?
There was this whole thing with corn on the cobs and butter and it just...
-What?! She didn't...?
Given what happened in the en suite...
-What is the rule?
WHAT IS THE RULE?
That we don't mention the toilet brush.
-I reckon you've told people.
Dunno but there's some graffiti on a toilet brush,
at the Rose and Crown, which I reckon is aimed at me.
-What's it say?
-"Smithy was 'ere."
Don't laugh! I had to get rid of it.
Well, what you going to be like when you see her tomorrow at the party?
Is it Gwen's surprise thing this...?
Great(!) I need that like a hole in the...
-You've got to come.
-Why'd she tell Stacey? She said she wouldn't tell anyone!
Well, I can see why you did it.
He's a lovely lookin' boy.
Not in the conventional sense like Gavin or Enrique Iglesias.
But he's got a lovely spirit.
A confidence, if you will, that you rarely find in a fat man.
How's the arrangements coming along?
I tell you, I nearly got caught out the other day!
I been thinking it was a mistake, making it a SURPRISE bash.
I'm on eggshells whenever I'm around her.
I jump when the phone rings, I'm terrified that Doris is going to put her foot in it.
Sometimes I want to say, "To heck with it, Gwen.
"You're havin' a barn dance to celebrate your birthday. Please try and look surprised."
Because I can't take it any more.
You've got to think how good you'll feel when the lights go on and she sees all them smilin' faces.
That's if anyone's there.
I've had a lot of rejections.
And I've got to be honest, I thought Gwen had more friends.
-Have you invited them all from Swansea?
The Uplands Crew, the Mumbles Massive.
But nobody's coming in great numbers.
It's got to the point where I'm inviting people I know she doesn't even like!
She'll be fine.
Pam, what are you doin'?
Oh, my Christ.
-I didn't know you were in!
-You're eating ham, Pam!
Thank God you came in.
-I crumbled. I'm so weak.
No, don't look at me.
Pam, are you really a vegetarian?
Yes, I just...
-I've seen you.
-What d'you mean?
A scotch egg here, a bit o' bacon there, putting those regular sausages in the Linda McCartney box.
-I didn't want to say nothin'...
-Do you think ill of me, my child?
-No, of course not!
I just get these cravings, you know?
I had four cheeseburgers the other day with big fat Sue. We ate them in a car wash.
Don't beat yourself up, Pam.
Promise me, thou shall speak of this to no-one.
-What you on about?
-Swear it! Forsake me not.
Pam, I don't understand what you're sayin'.
Just don't tell anyone, all right?
All right, you two?
Yeah, we're just chewin' the fat, ain't we, Stace?
Stace, you shouldn't wave this under Pam's nose. You know how she feels about people eating meat.
Bryn's been on the blower all day. Is he all right?
He sounds like this party's giving him a breakdown.
Yeah, cos he's doin' it on his own.
But we'll get there by 12 and can help.
Is Gavin going down with you now?
-I thought we were all going down together, about three o'clock.
Smithy doesn't finish till two. He's sealing Dawn's shower tray.
It's the first I've heard! I presumed he was comin' with me.
How am I supposed to get down there?
-Well, can't you go on the train?
-Just don't start World War II.
There's enough rows goes on in this house as it is.
-What does that mean?
-Just a bit of confusion.
-OVER EACH OTHER:
-Are you coming with me...
-We thought you were going with us....
What? Hang on! Right, sorry, Mum, what did you say?
No, listen to me a minute!
-Pam, stay out of it.
No, you stay out of it!
Are you taking me in the morning or are you going with them lot in the afternoon?
It's silly taking two cars. We should go later.
Fine, if that's what you want.
-Oh, come on.
-Don't be like that.
It's all right, Gav. It's just the way it is.
-Us. I'm going to get the train times.
I can't take much more of this, Mick.
-It's like living in Hollyoaks.
What you actually knitting there, Ness?
-For the baby?
No, for me.
-DOORBELL RINGS Hey! I'll get it.
What is wrong with him, Ness? He's been like this for weeks.
-Bryn. Now, I got the keys.
-Keep it down!
Shut up, man! She's only the other side of that glass.
All right. Cool head now.
Here's the keys, but there's a few housekeeping rules.
The hall is yours from 8 o'clock tomorrow morning till the following 1 am.
You MUST leave it in the same condition as you find it.
There must be no smoking, no narcotics
and no guns.
Outside of that, anything goes.
Right. Thank you and thank the boys at the rotary.
We'll be seein' you tomorrow, of course?
It's tricky. Is Doris going?
-Well, yes! Why?
-She's not returning my calls, Bryn.
I haven't spoken to her for days.
She's rejected me as a friend on Facebook. I don't know where I stand.
Look, you've got to remember, Doris is a player.
You should see her outfit.
She's dressin' to impress, I'll tell you that.
Hiya, Ted! Come in! Come in!
Well, he wasn't very friendly. Is there something wrong with him?
Oh, Gwen, get off the guy's back.
He didn't want to talk to you, deal with it!
Get over it, Gwen.
Are we havin' this cup of tea?
Well, there's something funny going on in this house.
I'm a mess, Ness.
You've got to keep it together, Bryn.
Less than 24 hours to go.
but I'm bein' tetchy. I trust no-one. It's like bein' in the Big Brother house.
-PHONE RINGS I got it.
-No, you're OK.
I said I got it!
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
-'Are you at the station?'
Right, your mother will be meeting you any second now
and I cannot stress to you enough how she must be kept away at all costs.
And don't be late, cos I don't want her wanderin' round
gettin' wind of what's goin' down,
people chattin' to her and what have you,
because this is the talk of the town.
Do you understand? Are you sur..?
Right, I got to go, I got another call coming in.
Yes, yes, we're all looking forward to seeing you, yes!
But I must warn you, any nonsense and you'll have to go.
Well, then you'll be forcibly removed.
I've got to go, Jean.
You see that is what I mean, that is rude.
-Hello, stranger! Welcome home.
Happy birthday! I got your present in my bag.
Oh, that's nice. Do you want to get a taxi or shall we walk?
-Walk, shall we?
# You've got to hold and give but do it at the right time
# You can be slow or fast but you must get to the line
# They'll always hit you and hurt you
# Defend and attack
# There's only one way to beat them and that's around the back
# So catch me if you can Cos I'm the England man
# Du-uh duh... #
Oh, what is it?
# Three lions on my chest You know we can't go wrong
# We're singing for England
# EN-GUR-LAND! #
Bra bra bra-bra-bra
Brap brap brap brap! Boo! Boo!
-What time we leavin'?
-Had some crunchy nuts.
-Want some more?
-You having some?
-Don't mind if I do.
ALL: Don't mind if I don't!
There you are, luv.
-Did you want some lunch or something?
-Maybe. What you havin'?
Ooh, I dunno.
-All right, Stace?
-Got any batteries, Gwen?
I don't know, what sort?
-Two double A's.
-I don't think I have.
I'll take 'em out the remote, then. You can have 'em back in ten.
-What you doin'?
-Just havin' a bit of me time.
Any news on the job or the flat?
Not really. It's gettin' me down a bit to be honest.
Is it, luv? I thought you seemed low.
I think I'm just missin' home, I am.
-It'd be all right if I had a job.
-I know. It must be ever so hard.
I'm with Pam all day. She tries her best.
We go fencin' and karate and stuff
but all I seem to do is sit around waitin' for Gavin to come home.
I just feel a bit useless.
Oh, come on now.
You made the choice to live there. You've got to give it time.
I don't think I did. I just went along.
Livin' here was never an option, Gavin wouldn't...
Cheers for that, Gwen. I didn't need it in the end, as it goes.
So what's occurring, Stace?
She's not feelin' too good.
No, I'm fine. Really, I am.
D'you tell her about the card?
-No! Guess who I got a card from this mornin'?
Yes! The cheek of the woman!
I put it straight in the bin and thought,
"If I see that evil witch again, God knows what I'll say."
Best thing you can do is go up, be polite, give her a kiss.
A kiss? A kiss?!
I didn't kiss her when we did it! I've never kissed her!
Bloody hell, Smithy, your life!
-Maybe you're meant to be together.
-Oh, do me a flavour!
There's obviously an attraction.
No, there isn't. Is there, Gav?
No. There is no attraction between him and the mother of his child.
Well, a sexual connection then.
You've obviously got a sexual connection.
Loose connection more like.
I haven't got any money for the bridge. You got any cash?
I got a couple of quid.
-Don't they take cards?
-Nah, cash only.
What? Who doesn't take cards nowadays?
It's ridiculous. Everywhere takes cards. Drive-thrus, Nando's, if it's over a fiver.
-They take cards on the M6 toll.
I've got three quid and some shrapnel. How much is it?
Five pound ten.
BOTH: Five pound ten pence!
I mean, why not make it either five or six?
All right, Ness?
All right, Dave? You're lookin' good.
Cheers. What you drinkin'?
-A Capri Sun.
-Maybe I'll join you.
Maybe you should.
Maybe I will.
I've said to people, 7.45 is the cut-off.
She's getting here at eight so if you can't by here by quarter to, then leave it till quarter past.
That way there'll be no shenanigans. No danger of her bumping into anyone in the car park or what have you.
What in God's name is Jean doin' here, Bryn? She just staggered in.
-I know. I invited her, all right?
Doris, I was low on numbers. I had no choice.
I hope to God Gwen hasn't had a drink when she sees her cos there'll be all hell to pay.
Please don't stress me out. I'm a nervous wreck as it is.
We'll just have to keep them apart.
Oh, chillax, Bryn. Get a beer down you.
I'm not going to stir things up.
Thanks, Dor. I appreciate it.
-Oh, my God, look at you!
-Nice outfit, Bryn!
Howdy pardners! Welcome to the ho...
I can't do the accent, Pam. It's this get-up.
I feel like I want to be called Tex.
Well, you look lovely, darlin'!
All it is, right, I put it together myself, it isn't hired.
I bought the hat, this is just a big hanky and these...
these are just a pair of denim jeans, Mick.
I feel like a member of Bewitched.
So where are the boys?
-They're just outside.
-What are you doin'?
-All right, Bryn.
-Hey, it's Woody from Toy Story!
-Don't get smart with me, Columbo.
What if Gwen and Stacey went by and saw you two? Eh?
-Get inside. Now!
-Have I got time for the loo?
Bloody hell, Bryn!
Look, no-one is going to ruin this surprise, all right?
Bryn, calm down, mate, you'll give yourself a heart attack.
Ted! What the hell are you doin'?! Get in here!
Sorry, I'm late.
If anyone is expecting friends, will you please phone them and explain...?
What it was, they've closed Plassey Street, see, and there's no diversion and I was bursting...
Oh, Lord, they're here.
Right, everybody, into position. Doris, lights. Band, stage.
Ted! Please be quiet.
Everybody stand still, nobody make a sound!
SCREAMS: Ted! Shut up!
-Jesus! Look at the size of that.
-Well, she is six months pregnant.
I know but come on, that's ridiculous.
-She's lookin' at me, right at me.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE!
Get this on, birthday girl!
AMERICAN ACCENT: You're havin' a barn dance.
Oh, thank you so much!
What the hell is Jean doin' here?!
OK, is everybody happy with that? I'll give you two minutes to sort yourselves out.
I'll never get the hang of this.
Yes, you will! Course you will.
It's in, out, walk, walk, walk.
In, out, walk, walk, walk.
-Are you all right with that now, Dor?
And are you partnered up?
Oh, Ted, for Christ's sake, change the record. You're just needy, man.
I was only askin'.
Only askin'. You're only pokin' me every day on Facebook.
-You're only followin' me round Costcutter, or Lidl...
No. We were never exclusive.
And I don't need this heavy shit. So, shut up and show me the moves.
Mick, what am I going to do about that?
Well, you could try calling her Nessa for a start.
But what do I say? How do I play this?
-Oh, come on, you've done this loads of times.
Everyone knows you were a dirty dog in your day.
Just play it cool, trigger.
Are you part of this formation or what?
Yeah, sorry. Look, just, go up, ask about the baby, break the ice, that's all you need to do.
Mick...you're a dream.
-Yeah, I'm good. You?
-This is Dave. Do you know Dave?
-No. Hello, mate.
Smithy. All right?
So, is everything all right with...?
Right, well. I'll see you in a bit, then.
And the look on her face when she walked through that door.
She wasn't happy to see Jean.
-Now, this whole Jean thing is getting out of hand.
-You know, the one with Mum and the scissors.
-She's HERE? Oh, my God!!
Who's Dave? What's with him and her?
They're just friends. They've always liked each other an' that.
Friends with benefits, I think they call it, Smithy!
Oh, my God. Jean's heading for your mother. Jean! Jean!
I'm going to do some shots. Want some?
Smithy, are you jealous?
Pff! No. I feel for the bloke. Couple of sambucas?
-Nah, we got to get up early and drive back.
What you on about? We were going to stay the whole weekend.
I want to get back and so do Mum and Dad.
Great, so I don't get any time with anyone?
You're seein' everyone tonight, aren't you?
Hardly. I've not even spoken to Ness.
That isn't my fault. I'd like to spend time at home.
You had all day. You didn't leave till four.
-God. I didn't realise it was such a big deal!
-Stay here then.
Don't come back with us.
And are you happy with that?
Well, you don't have anything to rush back for.
OK, are we all ready? Gents, put your ladies on your right-hand side.
Jump out...in...one, two, three
and turn, out...in... one, two, three.
And the left arm.
Clap to your partner...
Together, right, together, left,
together, right, together, left, and dozy doe.
Swing your partner.
Now keep those movements in your mind,
because you're going to do them again in a minute.
Here's Doris to tell you more about it. Welcome, Doris!
Now, we've got a special guest for this number, well, two special guests
who haven't performed together since Judith's funeral in '96.
Let's hear it for Bryn and Nessa!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much, everyone.
Gwen, this one is for you.
It was you and Trevor's favourite song and it is dedicated to the pair of you.
And as a footnote to that I'd just like to add,
that I'm not just singing this for you, Gwen, or Trevor.
I was but now I'm singing it for another someone special,
who's come back into my life recently and I want to thank him for everything he's done.
So this is for you...
# Baby, when I met you There was peace, I know
# I set out to get you With a fine tooth comb
# I was soft inside There was something going on
# You did something to me that I can't explain
# Hold me closer and I feel no pain
# Every beat of my heart we've got something going on
# Tender love is blind
# It requires a dedication.
# All this love we feel Needs no conversation
# We ride it together Uh-huh
# Making love with each other Uh-huh
# Islands in the stream That is what we are
# No-one in between How can we be wrong?
# Sail away with me To another world
# And we'll rely on each other Uh-huh
# From one lover to another Uh... #
-So when you going back?
-Oh, thanks! I've only just got here!
You know what I meant!
A couple of weeks, if that's OK?
Oh. But I'm not down again till the end of the month.
-Well, maybe I could come up and see you.
Well, I'll have to check with Pam, maybe.
Yes, Gay Jay! Wooo!
I tell you what, I am loving the barn dancing. I'm all over it.
All right, Smithy. Hiya, Gav. How's it going?
I was thinking about you...
We're just heading out for a fag, actually.
A fag-leje, Jean Peterson! Adieu.
See you in a bit, then.
So, how you findin' the...?
Hang on a minute, Jase.
You could have warned me!
He's my brother! He should be here!
I thought of inviting him but I didn't think he'd come.
He's gay. It's a barn dance. Of course he's going to come.
I know what they're all thinking, I can hear them whispering.
Four times I heard the words, "fishing trip".
Now you're being paranoid! No-one knows about that.
That bloody fishin' trip, Bryn.
When's it going to end, eh? Night, all.
-Gav, I need to talk to you.
On our own.
So I have to go, do I? Hideous.
-What's up? You OK?
-Not really, no.
Oh, sorry. Do you really mind me going back early?
Jason was tryin' to talk to you and you ignored him.
No, I didn't. I said hello.
And you said you'd come down with me this morning,
and for some reason changed your mind.
-Oh, come on. You're over-reacting.
See. I don't think I am.
Cos since we got married, my family and my home,
-is just not important any more.
-Of course it is.
And I don't think you realise how much I miss bein' here, Gav. Cos I do.
I really miss it, every day.
Aw, come here. I'm sorry.
No, I'm pissed off!
I was looking forward to tonight. It's all that's kept me going.
But you don't care, cos you've got your home, your family, nothing's changed for you.
-When we get our own place...
-We're not getting our own place.
-I don't want to live with Mum and Dad.
-If we were going to rent it'd be something.
-I don't want to rent. It's just throwing money away.
-You keep saying that.
-I'm just looking ahead.
Gavin, you're so busy looking ahead
that you can't even see what's happening today, now!
What's this all about?
I feel like I'm all on my own.
I'm really lonely.
I think it's better if I stay.
That's what you need. A couple of days. Jason's here.
No. I think it's better if I stay here.
I'm sorry, Gav, but I'm not coming back.
That's what I mean. It'll do you good
-and I'll pick you up on Friday...
-Gavin, you're not listenin' to me.
I don't want to live there any more.
I'm moving back home.
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