Episode 3 Gavin & Stacey

We have to have sex twice a day. It's the only way I'll get pregnant.

-Right, take care of my little boy now.

-Course I will - his dad's my best mate.

Oh, come here, you two. I've missed you!

Oh, nice to see you!

-THEY CHANT:

-Gav! Gav! Gav!

-Go on, Gavin! Go on, Gavin!

Let's do some shots!

Shots! CHEERING

You all right?

Mornin'.

PHONE RINGS

Hiya.

Gav, where have you been? I've been trying you for ages.

Sorry, I had a meeting with Owain about...

Actually, I've got no idea what it was about.

Hang on a sec. I'm just getting on the bus. Hiya.

-You're going in early.

-I know. Marco rang.

He wants me to open up. He's goin' the dentist.

I'm quite excited, I am. It's my first time opening up on my own.

Anyway, shut up a minute.

-'I've got something to tell you.'

-What?

I think I might be pregnant.

Oh, my God. Seriously?

Yeah, cos when I woke up this morning,

I felt really sick and I've got sore boobs.

-So, what does that...?

-They're all signs, Gav.

-They're things that happen.

-But have you done a test?

No, I want to do it with you. I want you to be there.

-Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

-I know.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hang on a minute.

Might have to take this.

Gavin Shipman?

Nessa's just text me. I've just had a text from Nessa.

She's text me. She's just sent a text. Nessa's just text me.

Can I call you back. I'm on the phone to Stacey.

-Did you not hear what I just said?

-Yeah, Nessa sent you a text.

I don't really see what the problem is.

There's been no contact, nothing.

This is the first contact. She never texts.

There's been no contact since...

that.

'So, what do I do?'

But surely you talk to her about the baby, Neil.

No. I've been talking to Bryn and Gwen when they've got the baby.

I spoke to Dave twice. That was a barrel of laughs.

Right. Just calm down. Where are you?

Outside your old man's house, aren't I?

Having a look at this extension with Deano.

Hang on a minute. Babe?

-What's going on?

-'It's Smithy.'

-He's had a text from Nessa.

-Oh, my God. Serious?

Nessa never texts.

-I didn't know she could write.

-Right. Did you just tell Stacey?

-Yes.

-Are you a dick?

Gav, Nessa's on the other line. I'll call you back.

OK, just don't tell her that...

Oh, God.

-Ness?

-All right, Stace?

I got you on the Bluetooth. Power walking, I am.

Just tryin' to shift a few pounds for the weddin', like.

-Ness, did you text Smithy?

-Yeah, I did, as it goes.

Why?

Well, I've not spoken to him since Essex.

I know he's comin' down this weekend, like, with the boys.

I just don't want it to be awkward.

I'm meant to come down with the boys this weekend.

All she's done is make things awkward.

-Why? What did she say?

-I'll tell you what she said.

I've got it here. Ha! You won't believe this.

"Hope you're OK."

Well, what's wrong with that?!

What does that mean?

That could mean so many things. What's she trying to say?

I just meant, "I hope things are OK." That's all.

What - since you had sex?

I told you, Stacey - I can't be sure if we did.

It was your choice to sleep with her. You could have said no.

I don't know if I slept with her, do I?

I mean, I know we fell asleep together.

I mean, I know we opened the oven door,

but whether we actually baked the potatoes, I don't know.

What were you wearing when you woke? That's usually a clue.

He was completely naked. I was in my Aston Villa strip.

-Aston Villa?

-Yeah, I know.

Aston Villa?

Look, Stace, I gotta go.

I've reached a steep incline.

Your dad's calling me on the other line. Ring me on your lunch, OK?

You are still coming down?

-I dunno.

-'Oh, please.'

Bryn's really excited. We all are.

-Well, I'm really excited, Gwen.

-We all are.

I know.

But this is the first time Gavin's friends are gonna get to see

what I call "My Barry".

I'm gonna take 'em down the front.

We're gonna get some doughnuts, some candy floss.

Bryn, I don't think they'll have time.

They'll probably just want to go straight out in Cardiff.

Oh, Cardiff, Schmardiff.

What is this obsession with Cardiff and the young people?

I mean, what has Cardiff got that Barry hasn't?

I just think there's a bit more going on, Bryn.

Oh. Well you say that. But come and have a look at what I've done.

Wowee!

I know.

Beers. That's some football players.

Trevor's old Subbuteo, God rest his soul.

Oh, yes!

I just wanted them to feel at home,

so they didn't have to go out if they didn't want to.

And look at this. I probably shouldn't show you this.

It's just me being silly. Don't read anything into it.

Other than... LAUGHING

It's just something for them.

To look at.

So, how many have you got altogether now?

Right. I've got...

Tonight, Matthew, staying in my house,

Fingers, Dirtbox, Dean, Budgie, Swede, Gary - not Simon...

Chinese Alan.

And if Smithy doesn't want the sofa at yours,

he's more than welcome to top and tail with me.

He's got the option.

Oh, I feel bad, you having them all in here.

Won't it be too much for you?

No, but I like it, Gwen.

I like being one of the boys, one of the gang.

-Part of the crew.

-Doris has offered as well.

-She's got the room.

-I bet she has.

No, I'm sorry.

I know what Doris wants and I know what she's after.

She's not getting her hands on my boys.

Smithy, you just put one out. You're chainin' it.

I know. I always do.

It helps me, you know... be creative. Don't it, Deano?

Yeah, yeah, it does.

And you're sure you just want a conservatory?

Look, we've been through this.

I know, but hear me out, right?

So, say you're already brickin' it to here, right?

-Why not go the whole hog?

-The full Monty.

Brick it to here.

Windows.

And then, instead of a glass roof, which gets dirty

with watermarks and leaves and...

Cats.

Right? Have three - one, two, three -

skylights.

-It'd add value.

-You'd need planning permission.

No! I ain't had planning permission for any of my extensions.

I did nine last year.

Look, I want a conservatory.

I want somewhere for me, where I can get away from it all -

all the stresses and pressures of modern life.

That's it.

-Pamela...

-Finito.

In memoriam. The end. Now, who wants a cup of tea?

Yeah, I'll have a quick one before I go back.

Go on, then. Milk and five sugars.

Dean?

Dean?

Dea-ean?

-Deano.

-Yep?

Do you want a tea or a coffee?

Uh, yeah, can I have half and half, please?

-Sorry?

-Like...

can I have tea in the bottom half of the mug

and then coffee in the top half of the mug, please?

Oh, right.

Yeah, I started drinking it about 18 months ago.

I call it a "toffee" or a "c-ea".

But you can't ask for that in a cafe,

cos they just bring you a toffee...

or a key.

-Is it nice?

-I've no idea, Mick. I like it.

Can I just say to you, as I do to everyone,

Deano will never be working here on his own?

I will always be here to monitor him.

STACEY: Thanks a lot.

-So, how far gone are you?

-Hardly anything, I think.

-A week, ten days.

-Have you done a test?

No, I'm gonna wait for Gav.

I can't believe I'm gonna be a mum.

Yeah, well, don't get too excited, Stace.

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I loves Neil the Baby.

He's a good bloke. I wouldn't be without him for the world.

But at the end of the day, he's needy. He's always after something.

Stace, I need your help.

-Hiya, Ness.

-All right, Bryn? You comin' in?

I won't. Not today. I've got too much on.

-How come?

-Breakfast cereals.

The list is endless. I don't know what to get for the boys.

I mean, in my day, it was simple.

Weetabix or Corn Flakes. You knew where you stood.

But now, I'm looking at a Weeto, a Cheerio,

a Coco Pop, a Frosted Shreddie, an Oatso Simple,

a Gillian McKeith Organic Amaranth Cereal Flake.

And would someone please tell me what on earth is a Choco Rock?

Oh, they're lush, they are.

They're like chocolate and bits of rocks.

Why don't you do 'em a fry-up?

Well, I'm doing a fry-up. Of course I am.

But this is the continental option.

Oh, Bryn, don't raise your voice at me, all right?

Sorry, Stace.

I was just gonna say, why don't you get a variety pack?

Well, I thought about that. I really did.

But answer me this - who's gonna eat the Ricicles?

-Good point.

-Fair play.

-NEIL CRIES

-Right.

I gotta get off. Dave's going Stonehenge.

Party of 12 - pensioners.

Who's havin' Neil, then, the baby, if we're goin' out?

-Who do you think?

-Gwen.

-Mum.

Have you asked her yet?

No. I'm just gonna drop him round. What's she gonna do?

SHOP BELL RINGS

-Hiya. Sorry I'm late.

-Hiya.

Babe, there's so many - Clearblue, First Response,

Answer One, Answer Two, True For You.

-Let's just get the lot of them.

-They're like a tenner each.

We only need one, don't we? Let's ask the woman.

-No!

-Why?

I know her. Natalie Lewis. She's a right bitch.

Nessa once had a fight with her dad and her brother.

All right, Stace?

All right, Nat?

How's Ness?

Fine.

-How's your dad? Your brother?

-Dad's all right.

Wayne's still on crutches.

Right, so, shall we...?

Hang on, Gav.

SHOP BELL RINGS

Excuse me, love. Where to's the fake tans?

I'll show you now.

Oh, God, I hate her.

Come on. I'm not buying a test from her.

-She don't work on commission.

-I don't care. Let's go Superdrug.

PHONE BEEPS Who's that?

It's Smithy. They've arrived.

HORN HONKS

ALL SHOUT

Yeah, that is lovely. Yeah. Where's your bags?

I dunno. Where's your sheep, you dirty Welsh slag?

-No, you slag!

-No, you slag!

ALL: You slag! You slag!

-Hiya!

-You are a slag!

All right, Gwen?

Um... You know everyone from the wedding.

-I think so. Hello again.

-She hasn't met Deano.

Hello, Deano. Welcome to Barry.

S'mae? Deano ydw i a dw i'n hapus iawn bod yma yn y Barri.

Sorry, but I don't s...

Gwen, wait a minute. What you doin'?

I've been learning Welsh.

I did an intensive course, cos I knew we were coming down.

I wanted to understand what everyone was saying.

-SCOFFING

-You twat.

-What?

-No-one speaks Welsh.

-No, that's not strictly...

-Gwen,

don't make it more complicated for him than it already is, OK?

Listen, Deano? Hey?

No-one here, or where we're going tonight,

none of them speak Welsh.

-But what about the signs?

-I know. You just gotta ignore it.

-I don't understand.

-Deano, seriously, just forget it.

Right, if I don't understand it, then you...you definitely won't.

-All right?

-DOOR OPENS

-Fee, fi, fo, fum!

-ALL: HEY!

I smell the blood of several Englishmen.

Jokin', I am. I'm not a giant. Chinese!

-All right, Bryn. How are you?

-Swede!

All right, Bryn.

Yeah, all right.

Easy, Bryn.

Oh...!

BRYN MOANS

-Budgie.

-Hey.

-Now, you must be Dean.

-Deano.

-Is it your first time to Wales?

-Yeah.

-Croeso i Gymru.

-Bryn, don't. Pack it in.

Right. Should we show you where you're staying?

Right, Fingers, Dirtbox, Deano,

Budgie, Swede, Gary - not Simon.

No need to explain there. Chinese, Alan...

-Oh! Chinese Alan.

-HE LAUGHS

Step forward into my new bachelor paradise.

ALL: Hey, hey, hey!

-All right. See you later.

-See you in a bit.

Right, listen.

I need your help this weekend, OK? This is seriously awkward.

-What?

-This.

Her - Nessa. All this...texting business.

I keep readin' it and rereading it.

Smithy, all she said was, "Hope you're OK."

Exactly. "Hope."

"Hope you're OK." She's saying there's hope.

I've given her hope - false hope.

I think she was just checking...

Don't leave me on my own with her this weekend. Not at all, not ever.

All right?

Honestly, I think you're reading too much into this.

Her and Dave are all right. They've set a wedding date.

Have they?

Yeah, June 13th or something.

CAR HORN HONKS

Sorry.

Can I do you something before you go out?

We'll probably eat later, so I'm all right, thanks.

Me too. I'm not hungry. I'll just have a couple of omelettes.

Cheese? Mushroom? Ham? Tomato?

Yeah. Cheers.

-STACEY: Gav?

-Yeah?

Will you come here a minute?

Will you go back and get one now - a test?

-Babe, it's a bit awkward now, innit?

-Oh, why? I'm really excited.

I know. Me too. But Smithy's here, the boys are over the road.

I can't just leave 'em. Why can't YOU go?

I've gotta get ready. I haven't done my hair or nothin'.

-Why don't we wait till tomorrow?

-But I just want to know.

So do I. But tomorrow, everyone will have gone.

We can do it properly, take our time.

-On our own?

-Yeah.

All right, then.

Can you believe it, Gav?

There might be a little baby in there.

I know. It's amazing.

-NESSA:

-All right, Gwen? How's it going?

-GWEN:

-Hello, Ness. Hello, lovely.

All right, Gav?

All right, Nessa? Hiya, Neil.

Where to's Smithy?

He's, um...

He's...

Well, he's under the table, actually.

All right, Smithy? What's occurrin'?

All right?

NEIL GIGGLES

Hello!

Lovely boy! How are you?

Ah!

Oh, I've missed you!

Mmm! Mwah!

Actually, I might take him over Bryn's, see the boys.

-Gav, you want to come?

-Yeah, OK.

Forget those omelettes. We're going to Bryn's, see the boys.

Oh, that's a shame. They're done now.

No worries. I'll take 'em off your hands.

Will you? All right, love.

Stace?

-Nessa's here.

-OK.

Oh, Gwen?

What are you doing tonight?

Well, I've got a few options.

Elaine wants to go to the pictures,

but Janet fancies the bingo, so I'm not really sure.

You may have to take a rain check on all them.

I need you to mind Neil for me, the baby.

--

-Oh. Really?

--

-Afraid so.

--

-Is there nobody...?

--

-No.

I'd better ring the girls, then.

I would.

-MAN: Shot!

-That's 2-1.

Here we go. Mini burgers.

-BUDGIE:

-Oh, Bryn, this is amazing.

he mini hot dogs will be ready soon. Have as many as you like.

Not very filling, but I just think they're more fun when they're mini.

-How are we all doing down here?

-Absolutely terrific, Bryn.

DOORBELL RINGS Who could that be?

Swede, would you, uh, get the door, please?

I honestly think this is the best day of my life...

so far.

Oh, Dean, that means the world to me.

There are some mags over there - Loaded, FHM, Zoo, what have you.

Hey, hey! Bryn Diesel!

Bloody hell. What's going on here?

I know. It's exactly the effect I wanted and more.

I feel like Fagin, and you, Gav, are my Oliver Twist,

standing next to the Artful Dodger.

Mate, let's have a hold.

Hey, you want to go to your Uncle Dirtbox?

Oh, he's incredible! Oh, he's so cute!

And there's your Uncle Budgie. Budge, do you want a hold?

Uh, no, I'm good, thanks. I'm playing this.

I really like him, you know?

Yeah, I want one.

-Yeah, it's good, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Deano, do you want to hold Neil?

-Here you are, mate.

-What?

-Babies freak me out a bit.

-Why?

-I dunno. It's just...

He looks like Smithy but smaller.

Like a mini version.

Talking of which, who'd like a mini hot dog?

-I'd Love one.

-No, thanks.

Right. What's going on tonight? What's the plan?

-What's happening?

-This guy in work, Owain...

-Owain Hughes?

-Yeah.

Before you ask, no, he doesn't. LAUGHING

Right. Seriously...

what is going on?

OK, so, Owain said best to start off in Ten Feet Tall, but Stacey and...

Which is irrelevant, cos this is a boys' night.

Yeah, so I thought we'd go to Buffalo to start

and Tiger Tiger, maybe.

Are there ladies there? Is that where the ladies are at?

Fingers, that's the beauty of Cardiff.

There's girls everywhere.

I say we go Walkabout, Tiger Tiger, Vodka Revolution.

It's exactly like being in Essex. That's why it's so brilliant.

Bryn, where's good to go in Cardiff?

Oh, now, there's the question.

Um...

I've not been out in Cardiff since...

1978.

I went with Dick - Dick Powell - and my brother, God rest his soul.

We went to a place called Bumpers in the Castle Arcade.

It's closed down now, Bumpers.

No, it's not for me, the night-life.

You should come out with us, Bryn. It'd be a laugh.

Gosh, no, that's not my scene, Budgie.

I'd much rather wait in for you young men to come home,

all boozed up and disorientated,

not knowing what's what or who's who.

-DIRTBOX:

-Oh, come on! Come out!

-ALL SHOUT

LAUGHING

ALL CONTINUE SHOUTING Boys! Boys!

There's no way you're getting me out in Cardiff tonight.

Well, I never thought you'd get me out in Cardiff tonight.

-BUDGIE:

-Right, who wants a drink? Pint?

Pint? Pint.

-Me.

-Pint.

-I'll have a pint.

-Pint.

Pint. Pint.

-Bryn?

-I'll have a pint, please, Budge.

Are you sure, Bryn? I thought you liked a Cinzano.

Put a sock in it, Gav. I'm out with the boys. I'm having a pint!

Get over yourself!

ALL LAUGH

Nice one, Bryn.

STACEY LAUGHS

-All right, Nev?

-All right, Ness.

-Kev.

-All right.

-Who's the new boy?

-That's Dev.

-All right, Dev?

-All right.

-Stace, Lou, Anje...Nev, Kev, Dev.

-GIRLS: All right.

-All right.

-How's it goin' tonight?

-Yeah, good.

-Any trouble?

Nah, it's early doors. You in for the duration?

Ah, we'll be here for a bit. Any nonsense, give me a shout.

Will do. Cheers, Ness.

-Just the four of you, then, is it?

-Yeah.

Go on, then. In you go.

Tidy.

Four Cokes, please.

Do you miss being on the doors, Ness?

Yeah, bouncing, like.

Sometimes.

I miss the camaraderie, but I don't miss the rage.

I don't miss getting home

and soaking my knuckles in a bucket of ice.

That's no way to live.

Not for an attractive woman.

Oh, not for me, thanks.

-How comes you're not drinking?

-I can't really say.

-She thinks she may be up the duff.

-Nessa!

BOTH: Oh, my God!

-What?

-I weren't gonna say nothin'.

Oh, come on, Stace. We both know, once you get a drink inside you...

That's the point. I'm not gonna have a drink inside me. I'm not drinking!

Fair point.

You've got a point.

She's not up the duff.

I was lying.

Sorry.

MUSIC: "Remedy" by Little Boots

# Spin me faster like a kaleidoscope

# All I've got's the floor

# Yeah, you can try

# But I've found the antidote Music is the cure... #

Do you like this kind of music?

I can't hear a word you're saying.

What music do you like?

Yes!

# ..Poison killing my emotion

# I will not be frozen

# Dancing is my remedy, remedy... #

Slow down, Smithy, mate.

-What? Why?

-There's Owain.

-Owain?

-Gav! How's it goin'?

-Yes. All right?

-All right, mate. How you doin'?

Nice to meet you.

Hey! Owain! Owain Hughes!

Do you want a glass of white Owain or red Owain...Hughes?

You must be Smithy. Nice to meet you.

Come here, you little prick!

Sorry, mate. He's had a few.

Hey, do you know what your favourite TV programme is?

-Last of the Summer Owain...Hughes.

-PHONE RINGS

SMITHY LAUGHS

Keep an eye on him a minute. It's Stacey.

-'Stace!'

-Where are you?

-Oceana.

-Is Louise there? We lost her.

BOTH: She couldn't get into Revs. STACEY: That girl still works there.

-She's talking to Deano.

-'OK, I'm comin' over, all right?'

Yeah, brilliant.

-And I've got a surprise for you.

-What? What surprise?

You'll have to wait.

-DEANO:

-Reit,

a ble ydych chi'n mynd ar eich gwyliau eleni, te?

Oh, my God! You're so lush, you are.

Yn Gymraeg, os gwelwch yn dda!

O, ti mor lysh, ti'n gwybod! Mor, mor lysh...

Deano's talking Welsh to Stacey's mate,

and she's speaking it back to him. She's all over him.

It's a beautiful language, Gav.

And you, Owain Hughes, are a beautiful man.

I like you. I like you a lot.

My son's half Welsh.

-Is he?

-Yeah, his mum's Welsh.

We're not together or anything, though. It's not like that.

But she...she texts me.

She sends me texts.

Let me show you... In fact, let me show you this text.

-See what you think.

-Oh, for God's sake, Smithy...

Shut up! Shut up!

I am talking to Owain Hughes, who, quite frankly,

is a better friend to me than you have ever been.

Sorry. He always gets like this when he's drunk.

How do you know? You don't know me!

You don't even come out with me any more! You live here!

Now, let me show you this.

Oi, has anyone seen Bryn?

What do you say? Seriously, Owain Hughes, what would you say?

Oh, my God! Uncle Bryn!

Stace...

Are you OK? I feel a bit weepy, Stace.

Have you been drinkin'?

Yeah, a few pints and some shots.

You've overdone it, Bryn. You don't know your limits.

HE SOBS I don't.

Oh, Ness!

What have I become?

Come on. You're fine.

In through the nose, out through the mouth.

BOTH INHALE

SOBS

-BUDGIE:

-Oi!

There you are. Are you all right?

Is he all right?

Yeah, he's just a bit drunk, he is.

Oh, Budge.

Of all the boys, I knew you'd come and look for me.

Here you are. There's some water.

Oh, you're so kind.

You're kind and lovely and sweet and attractive...

Can you stay with him for a bit? I've got to see Gav about something.

Uh...uh... Yeah, OK.

Deano, where's Chinese? He's got my phone.

I think he's gone out for a fag. Um, Fingers, this...

Hey, Louise, right?

-Hiya.

-Hey.

-Yeah. Long time.

-Yeah.

-How have you been? All right?

-Yeah, good.

You?

Right, so, do you two know each other?

-Uh, well...

-You could say that.

I learnt Welsh and everything.

Gav!

-Hiya.

-Oh, here we go.

-Uncle Bryn's really drunk.

-He's only had a couple.

I know, but he doesn't drink, does he?

-I'll go and see if he's all right.

-No. I have something to show you.

-Where did you get that?

-Anje had it.

She always keeps one on her, apparently - ever since, you know...

Yeah, of course.

-So, come on, then. Shall we?

-What, here?

Yeah. Don't you just want to find out?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

All right?

Yeah. You?

Yeah. You havin' a good night?

Yeah. It's all right.

It's Cardiff.

Gav says you've set a date for the wedding.

Yeah, June the 13th.

-You OK to look after Neil...?

-Goin' through with it, then?

Yeah. Why?

I'll look after Neil. No worries.

# Something inside of me wants a part of you

# Something kinda ooooh makes my heart go boom-boom

# Something inside of me wanting what you do-oo-oo

# Something kinda ooooh... #

TOILET FLUSHES

-How long's that now?

-We've got about 30 seconds.

I can't believe I just wee'd on my hand in front of you.

You did worse things than that on our honeymoon.

Gav, that was a treat!

-OK.

-SHE SQUEALS

Oh, never mind, babes.

-Babe?

-Just give me a minute.

Look, come on. It's only our first try.

No, it's not.

What?

Stace?

Stacey?

It's not our first try.

I don't understand.

I haven't been on the pill for over a year.

What you talking about?

I stopped taking it when we got married.

You've been trying to get pregnant

for over a year and you didn't tell me.

-Why?

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Why did you think it was OK to do that?

-I don't think it's OK.

-Why did you do it, then?

Because I thought it would speed things up.

What?

Like, if I got pregnant, we'd have to move out,

get a house - oh, I don't know.

You cannot make decisions like that without talking to me about it.

-What is wrong with you?

-Exactly.

What is wrong with me, Gav?

What if I can't have children?

# Tell me tomorrow I'll wait by the window for you

# I'll wait by your big house for you

# I'll wait by the squeeze-box for you. #