Comedy. Gavin is uncomfortable with Gwen and Bryn knowing the ins and outs of his and Stacey's sex life, and Smithy goes beyond the call of friendship with a staggering suggestion.
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-I might be pregnant.
-Oh, my God.
-You done the test?
-No, I'm gonna wait for Gav.
I can't believe I'm gonna be a mum.
Gav says you set a date for the wedding.
Yeah, June the 13th...
Going through with it, then?
I'll look after Neil, no worries.
SHE GIGGLES EXCITEDLY
Oh, nevermind, babes.
Come on, it's only our first try.
I haven't been on the pill for over a year.
-You can't make decisions like that without talking to me. What's wrong with you?
What is wrong with me, Gav?
What if I can't have children?
Hiya. Right. I got the appointment. It's 10.30 Friday.
-We'll go straight from there to Essex.
It's weird, isn't it? Dawn and Pete.
-Do you think we'll ever renew our vows?
Oh, look, why are you still in a mood with me? I can't say sorry any more times.
I know. I'm not. I just feel a bit weird about it, that's all.
-What do you mean?
-I dunno. Like, why you didn't tell me.
All those months you could've got pregnant and you didn't. And why didn't you?
That's why we're going the doctor's.
I know. It's just been a bit of a shock, that's all.
-I can't help it.
If it turns out I can't have babies, you won't leave me, will you?
Don't be stupid. Nutter.
I love you.
I love you, too. See you tonight.
I mean, it started off... it was meant to be intimate.
You know, just close family, couple of friends.
And then Pete's sister said she wanted to come.
And of course it's not that I don't like her,
but if we invite her, we've got to invite him.
-No, the husband.
Brother? That's all blown over.
Turns out it really was identity theft all along.
Somebody had taken Pete's card.
Thing is, though, Pammy, this whole day is now bigger than our original wedding.
And I said to Pete, "We are just renewing our vows.
"We are not Louise and Jamie Redknapp."
I bet he didn't like that. How many is it now, then?
We're still waiting to hear back from people.
But Pete just invites all sorts. I mean, for example, Bryn.
I know since Christmas, Pete and Bryn have become very close.
They're always on Facebook and that.
Bryn's always following him on Twitter.
But the thing is, Pammy,
if we ask Bryn, we have to ask Gwyn.
-Gwen. See? Don't even know her name.
And then there's Nessa.
If we invite Vanessa, we have to invite David. David Coaches...
Oh, I don't envy you, Dawn. All the organisation and whatnot.
Still, it's gonna be a nice day.
Right. We got an hour. Get them clothes off and get upstairs.
I'm a plumber. I'm a builder. Let's do it like in the movies.
I don't know what films you've been watching!
Pam, I know Mick hasn't fulfilled your needs for many years. And Dawn, I'm not sure Pete ever has.
-So come on.
Here's our chance, you naughty little chaffinches!
Smithy, what are you like?!
I'm only dicking around. I come in for a biscuit.
-Where's them Penguins?
-Cupboard over the kettle.
They need to know what you wanna eat Saturday.
-You looked at the menu?
-Oh. What's the choices again?
Chargrilled chicken, veggie option, fillet of bream.
# Breams can come true
# Look at me, babe. I'm with you
# You know you got to have bream
# You know you just got to have that bream. #
Pam! That is comedy gold!
I don't know where that came from!
Listen, you. I've got to ask you a favour and it's serious.
It's not that shower tray again, is it? I've sealed it four times.
-Just buy a new one.
-No, it's not about that.
My stepbrother, John, can't make it.
-His wife's broken both feet.
-Broke her ankles.
So I was wondering how you'd feel about giving me away.
Don't have to. Theoretically, I don't need anyone. It's just a renewal.
But I think it'd be nice and I'd like it if you did.
HE CHOKES UP
I'd love to, Dawn.
Cor! Look at my baby girl. She's all grown up!
-A whole year?
-You been trying for the whole year?
-Cos I really want a baby!
And I just thought if I got pregnant,
then Gav would definitely want to get a house,
even if it was just renting somewhere.
-So you planned it all?
-Well, not exactly.
Nothing happened, did it?
That's very manipulative, Stace.
Oh, shut up! You sound like Gav.
-Well, he's got a point.
And you've gone down in my estimation.
But what if I can't have kids? What if I'm like Karen down the road?
-Yeah. What if I'm like her?
Well, that's the hand that life has dealt you.
-Maybe you need to think about getting one of them Chinese ones.
-Like Angelina Jolie?
Honestly, they're giving them away.
It's not the same, though, is it?
Strikes me you're not in a position to be fussy. Pass me the ball.
-No, it's OK.
-Come on. I'll do you a reading.
-All right. But I'm not paying.
-Is this actually crystal?
It's a paperweight. But what can you do?
Times are hard, and there's a credit crunch on.
Om om shabai. Om om shabai.
Om om puri.
-It's not looking good, Stace.
-Why? What can you see? What's it saying?
I don't know. It's bad news, whatever it is.
-I can't be specific. But I should imagine you can't have kids.
All right, sugar tits?
Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were having a reading.
That's all right. We're done. It was only a quickie.
-Well, how long?
-15, 20 minutes.
It wasn't that long.
Fair enough. We'll call it a fiver and be done.
I didn't even want a reading.
In her defence, she did make it clear she wasn't paying.
Oh, come on, Ness. We've got a business to run here.
This wedding's costing a fortune. I've been pricing up the cake. Do we really need one?
You can't get married without cutting a cake.
I can take it or leave it, to be honest.
Yeah, me too. They're having jelly. Let them make do with that.
-I love weddings.
I've never been to a renewal before, so that'll be fun.
Ah, I could do without it, to be honest.
I don't really understand why they've invited me.
I know, Mum said the same.
She said she could see why Bryn was going, cos of Pete,
but Mum's hardly said two words to them.
KNOCK AT DOOR
-Yeah, all right. Be with you now.
-Come on, Ness, we've got to get on. There's a queue forming.
Stace, I'll see you Saturday up Essex.
Bring 'em on, Dave.
Nice sheets, these, Gwen.
I know. Dic Powell.
He just knocked on the door.
I mean, normally I send him away packing, but he made me feel them.
And the minute I did, I said,
"I don't know where they came from or where you got them,
"but I'll take two sets - one for me, one for the kids."
-Hiya, were up here.
-In the bedroom.
It's always a risk with Dic, but sometimes he comes up trumps.
-Like Nessa's lawnmower.
-Like the lawnmower.
Hiya. Came back for some lunch. All right, Bryn?
Look, you don't need to do that...
Gavin, what else am I going to do? I'm kicking my heels in that house.
Rattling around like a bubble in a can.
He's at a loss since the boys went.
I am. I miss them. That place has felt empty the past couple of weeks.
-Great night, though, wasn't it?
-Yeah, it was.
I was mullered. Plastered I was, Gwen.
I know. Reminded me of Trevor.
I can't wait for the next one. Budgie said something about Reading?
A night out in Reading, Budgie's brother or something?
-Yes! He's DJ-ing.
Whatever it is, count me in.
Right. Look, I'm gonna get something to eat.
Stacey said you got your appointment sorted with the doctor.
Did she? What, she told you?
Yes. And for what it's worth, I think it's all going to be fine.
That's what I said, Gav.
I mean, I know Stacey said you'd been trying,
but have you actually been trying?
-Well, that's what I wondered.
I know you've been gunning it since you've been living back here,
but what about all that time in Essex?
They were regular at Pam and Mick's. Stacey said, course she did.
But would you say you were relaxed whilst you were doing it
or do you feel you're under pressure? Because -
and I know Gwen will back me up - it's quality...
Bryn, this is... I don't really feel comfortable talking about this.
I'm just gonna get a sandwich and go back to work
and forget this conversation
about sex with your daughter and your niece ever happened.
Well, he's clearly very stressed, Gwen.
I know. And that's not gonna do them any favours.
We'll try Marks first.
No, I'm not getting a suit from there. I wanna go Next or Topman or something.
Neil, with respect, designer labels like them will not carry your size.
I might be carrying a bit of timber,
but I'm not, you know, Robbie Coltrane.
You are heading that way, my love. Now, where's your sister?
What? Rudi's coming?
Yeah. I want another pair of eyes on it.
I'm 28. I'm a dad. I've fathered a child.
-Don't be coarse, Neil.
-I can do it on my own, that's all.
I just need you to lend me the money.
I'm happy to buy you the suit. I'm glad you're getting it.
-I'm proud of you.
-That's a first.
Oh, here she is. Ruth!
-Are those Heelys?
-How old are you?
-How old am I?
You're buying clothes with your mum. How old are you?
Will you please just give it a rest, the two of you?
I'm at the point of exhaustion.
My resources are almost entirely depleted.
If you persist I shall simply go home.
Good! That's absolutely fine.
I don't need you here. Or you. I didn't ask either of you to come.
I can buy a suit on my own, you know.
Oh, now, that does look nice.
-You look really stupid.
-I feel it.
-You look an absolute tool.
-Mum, will you tell her?
Look like one of the Blues Brothers. The dead one.
Right, one more comment.
Make one more comment about me in this suit -
or, in fact, just about me -
and I will take off those Heelys...
Look at me, look at me.
I will take off those Heelys and I will stick them up your arse.
It's just a case of taking these up a couple of inches, that's all. They'll do that for you.
Yeah, it's all right, isn't it?
It is, actually...Pavarotti.
BOTH GRUNT AND YELL
Ow! I warned you.
SHE HUMS "NESSUN DORMA"
Shut up! Shut...up!
Now, no need to be nervous, OK?
I've got the results back
and I'm afraid there is a problem.
Oh, my God, it's me, isn't it?
I'm just gonna come out and say it,
the thing is, at times like this it's better to face up to the facts,
sometimes it's easier to look at the negative,
to not look beyond what's...
This is a marathon, not a sprint,
and there are all sort of options available.
We just have to sit down calmly together and talk through what...
When you said you're gonna come out...
-It's you, Gavin.
You've got a low sperm count.
Oh, my God.
MICK: I mean, the whole thing's getting ridiculous.
-Why? I think it's nice.
-I'm his best man, for God's sake. He wants me to make a speech.
And Smithy, giving Dawn away. I mean, please!
She was given away 27 years ago.
It's their day, Mick.
They had their day in 1982.
That's my point.
I could understand if this was some loving union, but they're at each other's throats every five minutes.
Well, ours is not to question while.
-Ours is not to question while.
"Why". "Ours is not to question why."
No, "while". It's not our place to ask questions while they're doing it.
What you said is completely wrong, and yet there's a logic to it.
That's me, Michael. What you see is what you get.
-Maybe we should renew our vows.
-Don't even think about it.
Come in, come in.
Oh, sorry. You're still eating.
It's all right.
-Is Dawn not here yet?
-No, she's on her way.
Good, cos I wanted to show you something.
I've just been to pick up my ring.
We've chosen our own - you know, for tomorrow.
Oh, that's nice. Cos then you get to wear something you like.
You know, something you feel comfortable in, rather than...
Oh, my Christ!
Who d'you think you are? Puff Daddy?
-Don't you like it?
I don't know what to think, really.
Oh, no, it's too much, isn't it?
Where d'you get it, Sierra Leone?
Take no notice. If you like it, that's all that matters.
I've never had a decent ring before. I wanted to make a statement.
You've certainly done that, mate.
No, I mean a show of my love for Dawn.
In that case you should've got a D on it, not a P.
No, but that's the beauty of it.
-Oh, there she is!
Welcome to the renewlywed.
Don't! The people in the shop have been calling me that.
Where is he? Where's my little gingerbread man?
-Hello, my gorgeous girl.
God, you two. Honestly!
I'm in love, Mick, with my wife. Is that such a crime?
Where's Stace and Gavin? Not here yet?
No, we haven't heard from them.
I think they're coming first thing tonight.
Give them a ring, Mick, see what's happening.
-Hey, Dawn, got us a couple of films for tonight.
-Oh, I love that.
...Breakfast At Tiffany's and Doubt.
Doubt? Never heard of that.
Oh, you will have done.
Meryl Streep's this nun
and the big strawberry-blond fella from Patch Adams is this priest,
and he's been fiddling with the boys and giving them wine.
Bloody hell, Pam, that sounds a barrel of laughs(!)
I thought it was a fun, girly night. I brought face packs.
No, thing is, Meryl Streep doesn't know if he's really fiddling.
That's where the doubt lies.
That's why it's called Doubt.
MICK: Well, he's not picking up.
You'll have to wait and see him tomorrow, then.
Now, when are you two going? Cos we wanna get on.
I dunno. But Pete, is this really necessary?
-What d'you mean?
-Staying at yours.
I just wanna sleep in me own bed, mate.
Oh, come on, Mick. This is my last night as a single man.
I've booked a stripper.
-I never had one, first time round.
I thought it'd be fun.
Just you, me and her on our own in your front room?
That's a bit weird, innit, mate?
Oh, live a little, Michael. It's only a stripper.
It's not like she's a prossy or anything.
DOOR OPENS Oh, that'll be them.
There he is, my little prince. And Stacey.
-We didn't know when you were coming.
-Yeah, me too.
-I just tried to ring you.
-Yeah, I know.
-You all right?
-You excited about tomorrow?
You wanna see 'em, Gav. They're like a couple of teenagers, aren't you?
Yeah. So, how was the journey? All right?
And the job going OK, is it, Stace, at Marco's? Is it Marco's?
Yeah. I like it.
Well, don't just stand there. Come on in, come in.
Actually, Mum, I'm not feeling too good. I've got a funny tummy.
What, was it something you've eaten?
Yeah. Look, I'm gonna go and lie down.
Oh, all right.
-Well, do you want anything?
-I'll be up now, Gav.
Mick, we should really get going, cos she's arriving at half seven.
Are you all right?
How long have you been awake?
Dunno. Half an hour.
Do you want a little cwtch?
Yeah, go on, then.
Hang on, you're supposed to be cwtching me.
Oh. All right, then.
You will be OK, Gav.
There's things we can do, you know.
Yeah. I know.
Remember your blind spot, Bryn.
Yes, thank you, David.
Hey, Ness, they've got a sale in Mamas and Papas this week,
and I think a lot of the stuff might fit Neil the Baby.
DAVID: Bryn, come off next junction. There's an average speed check for ten miles.
You'll save yourself a good 20 minutes. The A-road...
Yes, thank you, David, but I'll stick with what I know.
-Suit yourself. You're the driver.
-Yes, I am.
You might wanna move over. We got a joker behind us. I think he's in a bit of a rush.
Bryn, he's flashing his lights.
Thank you, Mr Clarkson.
I am fully aware of the driver in question,
and am merely demonstrating to him
that he cannot bully his way along the motorway,
pushing myself and others out of the way.
I am driving at the maximum speed limit of 70 miles an hour.
If he doesn't like it, he can move to Germany and drive on the Autobahn.
All right, I'm just saying.
Well, don't. Leave the man alone, all right?
Look, I drive for a living. I know these roads.
Yes, I know these roads!
I have driven to Billericay over seven times.
I know you've got a bus and I know it's bigger than my Picasso,
-but I'm just trying...
-Come on, now. Let's not have a row.
-I'm not rowing.
-You are. You're belligerent.
I tell you what - let's have a bit of music and all just calm down.
Good idea, Gwen.
MUSIC: "Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy
When you try your best but you don't succeed,
When you get what you want but not what you need,
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep,
Stuck in reverse.
Lights will gu-i-ide you home,
And ign-i-i-ite your bones...
-No. What are you doing?
-It's my vows. It's Coldplay.
Yeah, I know. But don't say it like you're singing a song.
Just say, "Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones."
That's what I said. "Lights will gu-i-ide..."
No, you did it again! Don't elongate. Say "guide".
Look, it'll be fine. It'll be fine.
Let's just do it again from the top, all right?
"Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones."
Lights will gui-i-i-i-ide you home...
-How was last night? The stripper.
-It was horrific.
-She was brilliant.
-Pete, she was filthy.
No! She actually was dirty!
-Well, I enjoyed it.
How are you feeling?
Oh, you know. Bit nervous.
See you in there.
What's he got to be nervous about?
I don't understand why we're here, to be honest.
I've been trying to ring you. What's happening with the quack?
-I'll tell you later.
-When are you heading back west?
Well, when you go, would you please do me a favour
and take that bloody bus driver with you?
He is doing my head in.
So was he fiddling with the boys? The vicar - the priest?
-Well, we don't know.
-But I need to know.
Cos I actually quite liked him, that guy from The Boat That Rocked.
-Philip Dustin Hoffman?
But if he's been fiddling with boys, then obviously I wanna hate him.
But that is the point, Dawn. There's doubt. That's why it's called Doubt.
KNOCK AT DOOR
We all ready to go?
Right. I'll go on in, then.
MUISC: "Flower Duet" from Lakme by Deblies
-Take good care of her, Pete.
-I will, Neil. I won't let you down.
Please be seated.
We're gathered here today to celebrate the 26-year marriage
of Dawn and Peter Sutcliffe.
To mark that anniversary,
Dawn and Peter have chosen to renew their vows
before you, their dearest family and their closest friends.
Tears stream down your face.
I promise I will learn from my mistakes.
Lights will guide you home,
and ignite your bones.
And I will try...
to fix you.
And now, Dawn, would you please make your renewal vows to Peter?
the two of us need look no more.
We both found what we were looking for.
With a friend to call my own, I'll never be alone.
And you, my friend, will see,
you've got a friend in me.
Pete, you're always running here and there.
You feel you're not wanted anywhere.
If you ever look behind, and don't like what you find,
there's one thing you should know -
you got a place to go.
I used to say "I" and "me".
Now it's "us". Now it's "we".
I used to say "I" and "me".
Now it's "us", and now it's "we".
most people would turn you away.
I don't listen to a word they say.
They don't see you as I do.
I wish they'd try to.
I'm sure they'd think again
If they had a friend...like Pete.
-Thank you, Dawn.
Peter and Dawn's children are going to present the eternity rings.
So Fiona and Alex, if you'd like to step forward.
Pete, if you'd like to take the eternity ring and place it on Dawn's finger
as a token sign of your renewed commitment and love.
I love you, Dawn.
I love you so much.
And Dawn, if you'd like to take Pete's eternity ring and do the same.
Bloody hell, Pete!
How much did that cost?
Oh, it's disgusting.
Have you seen this?
-You look ridiculous.
-You may now seal your vows of renewal with a kiss.
I didn't mean it to come out like that. I was just so shocked.
It is horrible, though, Dawn.
It's what I'd call gaudy. It's gauche.
But that aside, it really was a lovely service.
-Thank you, Gwyn.
You just assume you're gonna be all right.
Like it's a foregone conclusion that you can have kids.
But how low? I mean, how low is low? What you gonna do?
I dunno. I mean, there's loads of options.
OK. I get it.
-I know what you're saying. I'll do it.
-I'll have sex with Stacey.
-You don't understand.
-I'll do it for you.
Call me stupid, call me crazy,
but I love you.
I'll do it. You're my best friend.
I'd do it for any of my friends, really.
Maybe not Dirtbox. That isn't racist. We just don't click, me and her.
-Mate, it's not what this is about.
-Clearly, I've got strong swimmers.
Right? And listen to me.
I promise you this.
I guarantee you, Stacey will not enjoy it.
You can watch if you like, just to make sure,
but she will get next to no pleasure from it, and that's because she loves you.
-But I don't want you to.
-Of course you don't.
Why would you?
Christ, I'd hate it if anyone slept with Lucy.
Though apparently half the Boys' Brigade have.
I just have to believe it isn't true.
Oh, Gav. Bryn says me and Ness are coming back with you. Is that right?
Yeah, if you like. There's room in the car.
OK. Well, we're sort of ready to make a move, to be honest.
-Yeah, if you don't mind.
Well, no. We weren't gonna go yet. We were gonna stay for a bit.
Yeah, fair enough. We'll get the train.
It's not really my scene. I don't know what I'm doing here.
Hang on a minute. This is supposed to be my time with Neil. I've barely seen him.
Yeah, I know. But the thing is, I got a long drive tomorrow.
I got a school party going the Chair Museum in High Wycombe.
So it's just easier for us to go back now.
Well, whether it's easier or not isn't the point.
It's supposed to be my time with my son. Nessa, you can understand that.
-Of course we can.
Maybe next weekend you can have more time with him.
It'd just be better for me...
I don't care if it's better for you or not. It's nothing to do with you.
It's none of your business. Nessa, come on.
What do you mean? The kid lives in my house.
-Oh. Don't talk to her like I'm not here.
-This is our son. Mine and hers.
-Well, I'm his stepdad.
-No, you're not.
-You're her boyfriend.
-I'm her fiance!
And we're getting married on June 13th.
-It'll all change then.
-It's gonna change, is it?
Right. Well, best of luck with that. The whole marriage thing.
I really hope it works out,
given me and her woke up in bed together last time she came here without you.
# Tell me tomorrow I'll wait by the window for you
# I'll wait by your big house for you
# I'll wait by the squeezebox for you. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]
Gavin is uncomfortable with Gwen and Bryn knowing the ins and outs of his and Stacey's sex life, and Smithy goes beyond the call of friendship by making a staggering suggestion. Pete and Dawn prepare to renew their wedding vows and everyone heads to Billericay to help them celebrate. How will Dave react to the bombshell revelation about the curry night in Essex?