Episode 5 Gavin & Stacey


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Episode 5

Comedy. The Essex contingent arrives for a sunny day at the beach, Gavin's heart-to-heart with his dad gives him something to think about, and a dark cloud looms on the horizon.


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What if I can't have kids?

0:00:020:00:03

-Stacey said you've been trying, but HAVE you been trying?

-What?!

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That's what I wondered!

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-It's quality.

-BOTH:

-Not quantity.

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Oh! Don't talk to her like I'm not here.

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This is our son. Mine and hers.

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-We're getting married on June 13th. It'll all change then.

-Will it?

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I hope it works out, given me and her woke up in bed last time she came up here without you.

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What?!

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I'm afraid there IS a problem. It's you, Gavin.

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You've got a low sperm count.

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It will be OK, Gav.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hiya!

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-Are you still asleep?

-'No.'

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How come?

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Well, I'm up. I've been the shop,

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got a paper, some milk. It's a lush day, innit?

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I know. It's bakin'.

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And there's the Elvis convention. The island's going to be packed.

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What you up to today, then?

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Dunno - might pop down and see you later.

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Aw, that'll be nice. Make sure you text before you come though, so I can take my break.

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Hang on a minute. I think my parents just pulled up outside the house.

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What, your parents? Your mum and dad? Pam and Mick?

0:01:080:01:10

-'Yeah!'

-Oh, my God. Maybe your nan's died.

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Right. Which one? Cos they're both dead.

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Are they? And mine are.

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Aw. There's lush.

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I'll call you back.

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Yoo-hoo! Surprise!

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-What you doin' here?

-Oh, that's a nice welcome(!)

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-Hiya, mate.

-Hiya.

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No, it's just... Well, it's just a surprise, that's all.

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That's cos we wanted to surprise you!

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Needless to say, this was your mother's idea.

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It wasn't actually. It was Dawn and Pete's.

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They saw the weather last night on Sky and said,

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"It's going to be nice in Wales tomorrow, by all accounts.

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"Let's spend the day on Barry Beach."

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-Are they following you?

-No.

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They had a row, 3am this morning. They're not speakin'.

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-Dawn threw him out. He slept in the shed.

-Why?

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-The ring.

-That bloody ring.

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Mick? Pam? Gav? I'm up here!

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-Hiya!

-Hello!

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There I was, having a bath, when the phone goes. It's Glenda.

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She says Gav's mum and dad have pulled up outside Gwen's.

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I said, "Don't be daft, Glenda."

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But, lo and behold, she was right! And there you are.

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-Here we are!

-Here we are.

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Wait there, I'll get dressed. I'm naked.

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< Well, that's a fiver I owe Glenda!

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-Hiya, Doris.

-All right, Dor?

0:02:210:02:23

She just emailed me and said it was you, and I said,

0:02:230:02:26

"I'll bet you five quid it isn't."

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And here you are! She's made a twat of me, Pam.

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I'll tell you something else. Gwen's in for a shock.

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Glenda just text me!

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She said you were here! Well, what a shock.

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I know! It's a surprise!

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-We fancied a day on the beach.

-Oh, that's the ticket.

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That sounds lovely. Can we join you?

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Gwen, we would love it.

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We've got everything in the back - windbreaks, Lilos, surfboards...

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It's a bodyboard. Are you comin', Doris?

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I haven't been down the island for years.

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-Well, all the more reason.

-Well, why not!

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Doughnut, a bag of chips, I'm your girl. I'll have to dig out my bikini.

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-PAM LAUGHS

-Jokin' I am, Gav.

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A one-piece it is.

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PAM LAUGHS

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Oh! Sorry about that.

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You were quick.

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Oh, I'm only halfway through, Pam. I've not even talcumed yet.

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Now, I hear we're going down the beach.

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-How'd you hear that?

-Glenda. On Twitter.

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She said she's seen Gav's mum and dad

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talking to Gwen about going down the beach.

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-You're coming, aren't you?

-I should cocoa!

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But I'm thinkin' about little baby Neil the Baby.

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-He'd love it down there.

-He would!

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But what's the latest with Nessa and Dave?

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We don't really know. We've not heard a peep.

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Let me exfoliate. I'll pop down the van, see how the land lies.

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GWEN: Well, come on in.

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So... this is O...bama.

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All right?

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O...bama.

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Not to be confused with...

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O...sama.

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Ah!

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O...bama.

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O...sama.

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Very different people with very different ideas.

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You fancy a rusk?

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Me too.

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All right?

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-Yeah. I gotta get a new gas.

-We'll come with you, if you like.

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-No, you're all right.

-Where to you goin'?

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I dunno. Rylands? Lawsons?

0:04:300:04:32

They open bank holidays?

0:04:320:04:34

Shit. Yeah, probably not.

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Well, we should last till tomorrow, shouldn't we?

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You talkin' about the Calor Gas or our relationship?

0:04:380:04:41

Aw, Dave, man, come on!

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-Why you being like this?

-Why am

-I

-being like this?

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-You gotta to let it go.

-Why you sleepin' with another man?

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I told you, I didn't sleep with him. Not like that.

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-Positive, are you?

-No, I'm not, if truth be told. But what can I do?

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I bought you that Aston Villa strip.

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I know, and I loves it. You know I does.

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I can't bear it, Ness, thinkin' of you and him together,

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doin' things...

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You know, doin' stuff that we do, the things that we do...

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Look, I know we didn't do any of that stuff, OK?

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But how do you know?

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Cos I didn't have my bag. My tools. My cloak.

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Anyway, he couldn't take that level of...

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-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Nessa? Dave? Neil?

0:05:210:05:23

It's Bryn.

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We're in here, Bryn.

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-DOOR OPENS

-Hello, you three!

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Whew! Hot in here.

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That better for you, Bryn?

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Yes. Thank you.

0:05:330:05:34

Now, here's the thing.

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Pam and Mick...Shipman

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have just turned up on the doorstep, out of the blue,

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and we've all decided to go the beach.

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-Will you join us?

-Will Smithy be there?

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Oh!

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No. As far as I know, his name's not been mentioned.

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I know things between the two of you are not exactly...well, peachy.

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Look, you do what you like.

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I gotta find me some gas.

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We're nearly empty, aren't we, Ness?

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Catch you later, Bryn.

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Good...God!

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The tension in here, Ness, it's unbearable!

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-Is this what it's been like?

-Yeah, for weeks.

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Well, I don't want to know the details - the ins, the outs...

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That's the problem, Bryn. I can't remember if there were any.

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MUSIC: "Colourful Life" by Cajun Dance Party

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# I'd love to go to a brand new place but recognise the sky

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# A brand new motion yet same old people... #

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Hiya!

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Hiya.

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Aw!

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You look so lush.

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-What you mean?

-Just watchin' you then, from the kiosk, smilin'.

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-It's been so long since I seen you proper smilin'.

-Oh, that's nice.

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Hiya, Stace!

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We're on the island. Can you believe it?

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-First time!

-I know. What d'you think?

0:07:050:07:07

-I like it - a beautiful beach!

-Well, it's nice.

0:07:070:07:09

But I suppose that's cos the sun's shining.

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I mean, I expect if it was raining or just a bit overcast,

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it would be quite a bleak and depressing place.

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A bit like Billericay, really.

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Hiya, love. You going to come down on your break?

0:07:190:07:21

Definitely. Where? Down by the left or the right?

0:07:210:07:24

-Probably the middle.

-Yeah, it's nice there.

0:07:240:07:26

See you later. DORIS: See you down there, love.

0:07:260:07:29

See you later.

0:07:290:07:30

All right, Ness?

0:07:300:07:32

-Hiya. Where's Dave?

-What's occurrin'?

0:07:320:07:34

Stace, we're not mentioning Dave today.

0:07:340:07:36

Today is a David-free zone.

0:07:360:07:38

Is it still bad?

0:07:380:07:39

The atmosphere in that caravan

0:07:390:07:42

is what I can only describe as...

0:07:420:07:44

-Well, I can't describe it.

-So, Dave's not comin' then?

0:07:460:07:50

Oh, Gav, what happened to this Dave-free zone?

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< Oh, Stace!

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Sorry, Marco!

0:07:540:07:55

Come on! I got seven Elvises here, all gasping for a cappuccino.

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-Right. I'll see you later.

-See ya. PHONE RINGS

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All right, mate?

0:08:040:08:05

Gavelarindini! Guess where I am?

0:08:050:08:07

-Where?

-Guess.

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-Where?

-'No, guess.'

0:08:080:08:09

Where?

0:08:090:08:11

-Guess.

-Upton Park.

0:08:110:08:12

Wrong! I'm in my car.

0:08:120:08:13

-Oh, yeah. Where you goin'?

-Guess.

0:08:130:08:15

Just tell me where you are!

0:08:150:08:16

OK, I've just crossed a big bridge.

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I paid £5.40 for the privilege.

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I'm currently coming off the M4, onto the A48, heading westbound,

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straight towards the Isle of Barreee...

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You're comin' here!

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..where I know for a fact my best friend's wife's at work all day,

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leaving him, AKA you, sat at home, watching YouPorn,

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playing with what can only be described, after recent revelations, as his empty, useless gonads.

0:08:330:08:38

-Smithy!

-You gotta laugh at it. Gotta laugh adversity right in the face.

0:08:380:08:42

-I don't. That's really horrible!

-'Whoa!'

0:08:420:08:44

What about when Gary and Simon's uncle had his testicle removed

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and he came in the Crown after his operation?

0:08:470:08:49

I don't remember you holding back. What was it?

0:08:490:08:52

-I don't know.

-What was the song that YOU made up?

0:08:520:08:54

The One-ball Of Wimbledon.

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# Underground, overground

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BOTH: # Wombling free

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# The one-ball of Wimbledon Common are we. #

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-I'll give you that.

-The irony is he's moved to Wimbledon.

0:09:030:09:06

-You're on your way here?

-We're going to go to the beach.

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I want to be the first person to take my son and walk him on the sand.

0:09:090:09:12

The only problem is he's already on the beach. We all are.

0:09:120:09:15

Mum and Dad, everyone. It was a bit impromptu.

0:09:150:09:18

What? Is Dave there?

0:09:180:09:20

No, hang on. Bryn, is Dave comin'?

0:09:200:09:21

We don't know. He's gone to get gas.

0:09:210:09:23

He's gone to get gas.

0:09:230:09:25

Oh, well in that case, look, I'm not going to bother.

0:09:250:09:29

I...I'll just turn around.

0:09:290:09:31

-'It's probably for the best.'

-Yeah, probably.

0:09:310:09:33

No! Why's it for the best? I'm tryin' to see my son! Stop tryin' to stop me.

0:09:330:09:37

-I'm not!

-Don't then! I'll see you in a bit! Goodbye!

0:09:370:09:39

See ya.

0:09:390:09:41

-This is a beautiful beach!

-I'm glad you said that, Mick,

0:09:490:09:52

because we're very proud of our beaches in Barry. Aren't we, Gwen?

0:09:520:09:56

-Oh, yes. I prefer it to Porthcawl.

-Now, now.

0:09:560:09:59

The thing is, Mick, I've got a lot of happy memories of this beach.

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Some of the best times of my childhood.

0:10:020:10:05

We used to come over for the day from Swansea.

0:10:050:10:07

-And see those rocks over there?

-Yeah.

0:10:070:10:09

Well, I'll never forget Trevor, my brother, God rest his soul,

0:10:090:10:13

and his friend, Ian Dixon - Dixie they called him, I don't know why -

0:10:130:10:16

I'll never forget them dangling me over the edge there,

0:10:160:10:19

one summer holidays,

0:10:190:10:21

by my ankles, swinging me back and forth, back and forth!

0:10:210:10:26

Oh, they were laughing away.

0:10:260:10:27

And if I hadn't held my hands out,

0:10:270:10:29

my face would've been bashing against those rocks...

0:10:290:10:32

Bryn, that's terrible!

0:10:320:10:34

No, it was just tomfoolery, Pam!

0:10:340:10:37

-Really?

-Yes.

0:10:370:10:39

The folly of youth.

0:10:390:10:40

And between you and me, I rather enjoyed having both arms in plaster.

0:10:400:10:44

Like this, I was...

0:10:440:10:46

"Hello. Hello. Hello."

0:10:460:10:49

-BRYN LAUGHS

-Happy days.

0:10:490:10:51

£5 he's askin'. For a bit of canvas on a wooden frame.

0:10:510:10:55

-That's a bit steep.

-You could buy one for that.

0:10:550:10:58

I told him to stick it, Pam. Comin' over here, takin' our jobs.

0:10:580:11:01

Where was he from, Poland?

0:11:010:11:03

No. Newport.

0:11:030:11:04

Mick, give Dor your foldy.

0:11:040:11:07

Yeah, all right. Here you go, Doris.

0:11:070:11:09

Thanks, Mick.

0:11:090:11:10

GAVIN: I'm going to get some drinks. What's everyone want?

0:11:100:11:13

Oh, just get a mixture.

0:11:130:11:14

Yeah, just a few cans of pop.

0:11:140:11:16

I'll have an Irn-Bru.

0:11:160:11:17

-What if they ain't got Irn-Bru?

-Go somewhere that has.

0:11:170:11:20

OK. Anyone else?

0:11:200:11:23

I'll have a tea, Gav. Or a Shandy Bass. Either's fine.

0:11:230:11:26

Should we get a little juice for Neil the Baby?

0:11:260:11:29

I mean, I know we've got some water but...

0:11:290:11:31

It's up to you, Gwen. But I'm not payin' for it.

0:11:310:11:33

-DORIS:

-Don't worry. I'll get these. Is that enough, Gav?

0:11:330:11:37

What? Well, it's only a few cans, but cheers, Dor.

0:11:370:11:40

No worries.

0:11:400:11:41

-Fake it is, Gav, that 20.

-What?

0:11:410:11:43

-I'm jokin'! Lighten up, man.

-Right.

0:11:430:11:47

# Da-da, da-daaa

0:11:480:11:50

# Da-da, da-daaa... #

0:11:500:11:53

-Give it a rest!

-PAM LAUGHS

0:11:530:11:55

< Oh. Mick.

0:11:550:11:56

You been workin' out?

0:11:560:11:57

-Nice frame.

-Cheers.

0:11:570:11:59

I do me best.

0:11:590:12:00

I bet you do.

0:12:000:12:02

Hey, Pam, I imagine you're a satisfied customer!

0:12:020:12:05

Doris!

0:12:050:12:06

I've got no complaints - put it that way.

0:12:060:12:09

BOTH LAUGH

0:12:090:12:10

I bet you haven't, you lucky bitch.

0:12:100:12:12

Hey, Mister. Let's get this on you - get you protected.

0:12:120:12:15

No, look, Bryn, you're all right. Pam'll do it. Won't you, Pam?

0:12:150:12:19

-Leave her be. She's relaxing.

-Honestly, Bryn...

0:12:190:12:22

Look, it's on my hands. What can I do?

0:12:220:12:24

OK.

0:12:250:12:27

Yes, sir. Can I help you?

0:12:360:12:38

I'd like some drinks, please, lots of cans, and a smooch,

0:12:380:12:42

a full smooch and a cuddle.

0:12:420:12:44

Aw, are you missin' me?

0:12:470:12:49

-I am actually, yeah.

-I'll be down in a bit now.

0:12:490:12:52

-Hey, guess what I was thinkin' this mornin'?

-What?

0:12:520:12:55

We should go on holiday. You know, just get away from it all.

0:12:550:12:58

-Yeah, maybe.

-I just think we're a bit preoccupied with everything...

0:12:580:13:01

You know, havin' babies, not havin' babies...

0:13:010:13:05

Maybe we just need to be on our own for a bit.

0:13:050:13:07

But this is nice, just us two.

0:13:070:13:09

-SMITHY:

-Gavlar! This is amazing!

0:13:090:13:11

There's a fair! Why have we never been here before?

0:13:110:13:14

-Ghost train, dodgems...

-Log flumes.

-Log flumes! We gotta go on 'em.

0:13:140:13:18

Where's Neil? Where's everyone?

0:13:180:13:20

-Down on the right, just after the steps.

-I'll see you down there.

0:13:200:13:23

-You want a drink?

-Yeah, I'll have an Irn-Bru.

-OK.

0:13:230:13:26

Really, Bryn, that should be fine now, seriously.

0:13:290:13:33

You can never be too careful, Mick!

0:13:330:13:34

Skin cancer is on the up, isn't it, Dor?

0:13:340:13:36

Apparently.

0:13:360:13:37

Hey, Smithy! Hey up, Smithy!

0:13:370:13:40

PAM: Hey!

0:13:410:13:42

There he is.

0:13:420:13:43

-All right, Doris? You beach-bound diva!

-Hiya, Smithy, love.

0:13:430:13:47

Look at you lot - sunnin' yourselves, livin' the dream.

0:13:470:13:50

-All right?

-Yeah. You?

0:13:500:13:52

Yeah, yeah, good. Where's my boy?

0:13:520:13:54

Hey! There he is!

0:13:550:13:56

Look! It's your daddy!

0:13:560:13:59

Hiya! Look at you!

0:13:590:14:02

Oh! What do you think of the beach, then, eh?

0:14:020:14:05

Yeah? You like it?

0:14:050:14:06

Look what I've got! Look at that!

0:14:060:14:09

You going to help me build a sandcastle?

0:14:090:14:11

Yeah? You want to build a sandcastle?

0:14:110:14:13

Is it all right or does he need a sleep or anything?

0:14:130:14:16

-He's fine. Go for it.

-Yeah?

0:14:160:14:17

Here you are, Gwen. Will you take him a minute? I'll just get this off.

0:14:170:14:20

I can't get it off!

0:14:240:14:25

-What you doin', wearin' that, anyway?

-I thought it'd be a laugh. But it's not comin' off.

0:14:250:14:30

I'm not surprised. How did you get it on? Isn't it a child's one?

0:14:300:14:33

No, it's 12 to 14.

0:14:330:14:34

THEY ALL LAUGH

0:14:340:14:36

You can't pull it over your tummy. Pull it over your bum.

0:14:360:14:39

-All right, Bryn!

-No, no. He doesn't want to go.

0:14:390:14:41

-Maybe you should deflate it.

-That's it. Where's the valve?

0:14:410:14:45

There isn't a valve. I can't find a valve.

0:14:450:14:47

-Smithy, what are you like?

-Mate, you're so funny!

0:14:470:14:49

I'm getting a bit claustrophobic, actually.

0:14:490:14:52

AIR HISSES

0:14:530:14:56

Cheers.

0:15:000:15:02

We'll build this sandcastle, shall we?

0:15:040:15:07

Yeah.

0:15:070:15:08

Yeah.

0:15:110:15:13

Well, this is lovely.

0:15:130:15:16

Lovely, lovely.

0:15:160:15:18

I can't remember the last time we spent a bank holiday on a beach.

0:15:180:15:21

Well, not in this country, anyway!

0:15:210:15:23

Sorry I took so long. Stacey's rushed off her feet.

0:15:230:15:26

It's a shame she's stuck up there workin' when we're all down here.

0:15:260:15:29

-She's got a break in a bit. Where's Bryn?

-I don't know. Where's he gone?

0:15:290:15:33

-Bloody hell, Bryn! You look like Daniel Craig!

-I know!

0:15:420:15:46

It's the shorts!

0:15:460:15:47

You're brave, goin' in there.

0:15:470:15:49

You look like you've frozen your bollocks off. Sorry, Gav.

0:15:490:15:52

It's all right once you're in there.

0:15:520:15:54

It's getting your shoulders under that's the worst part.

0:15:540:15:57

Right, so we've filled it up with sand, there,

0:15:590:16:02

and then we're going to turn it over...

0:16:020:16:04

Ready? And I'm going to lift this up.

0:16:040:16:06

-And underneath, there's going to be be a castle!

-Oh. Before we do,

0:16:060:16:09

I gotta warn you, Neil. Don't get your hopes up, all right?

0:16:090:16:13

Don't have any expectations, cos it might all crumble before you

0:16:130:16:16

and you'll be left with a big pile of sand before your eyes.

0:16:160:16:19

No, that's not going to happen if we give it the special tap.

0:16:190:16:22

You give it a special tap. Of course you do. Goes without sayin'.

0:16:220:16:25

All right, so, I'll give it a special tap, right?

0:16:250:16:27

One, two, three. And then Mummy gives it the special tap.

0:16:270:16:31

And then the three of us,

0:16:320:16:34

all together, all three of us give it a special tap. Ready?

0:16:340:16:38

One, two, three...

0:16:380:16:40

Look!

0:16:400:16:41

Ah!

0:16:410:16:43

You all right, mate?

0:16:430:16:45

Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.

0:16:450:16:48

-Go after him.

-What?

0:16:490:16:51

-Go and talk to him.

-What about? He's all right.

0:16:510:16:53

No, he's not. He's clearly upset about his...

0:16:530:16:57

You know, it might be better comin' from you.

0:16:580:17:00

No, I can't talk to him about man's things.

0:17:000:17:03

About...(sperm).

0:17:030:17:05

Well, I'm not going to talk to him about sperm!

0:17:050:17:07

(Why?) That's what the problem is, (sperm!)

0:17:070:17:10

Well, I'm his dad, and I don't want to.

0:17:100:17:11

Exactly! He is your sperm! He's made from your sperm.

0:17:110:17:14

Can we please stop sayin' the word "sperm"?

0:17:140:17:17

All right...essence, (whatever!)

0:17:170:17:20

-It's all right here, isn't it, eh?

-Yeah, it's nice.

0:17:440:17:47

I wouldn't mind wakin' up to this every morning.

0:17:470:17:50

Yeah.

0:17:500:17:51

It'll be all right, you know, all this.

0:17:530:17:56

It will. Cos it's not, like, out of the question...

0:17:560:18:00

You and Stacey to be able to...

0:18:000:18:02

-But it is, Dad.

-What?

0:18:020:18:04

-They've told you something different now?

-No, but it's not looking good.

0:18:040:18:08

-Right. Then, there's still a chance?

-A really small chance.

0:18:080:18:11

But you're mopin' around like it's all been decided.

0:18:110:18:14

Look at your Uncle. Remember Vinnie?

0:18:140:18:16

-The one with the...

-The internet thing, yeah.

0:18:160:18:18

Well, he... He was told he couldn't have kids.

0:18:180:18:20

-He's got four, hasn't he?

-Exactly! By three different women.

0:18:200:18:23

-He's not allowed to see them now, of course.

-Mm.

-The point is,

0:18:230:18:26

-they're not always right, the doctors.

-But they might be.

0:18:260:18:29

And if they are, then you look at the alternatives...

0:18:290:18:33

Sperm donors, adoption... You don't just give up on the whole thing.

0:18:330:18:37

I just feel like I've let everyone down, you know?

0:18:380:18:41

-Like who, for Christ's sake?

-You and Mum.

0:18:410:18:43

-Oh, don't be silly.

-I do. I know she's not sayin' anything,

0:18:430:18:47

but I saw how upset she was when I told her.

0:18:470:18:50

You and her, you'd make brilliant grandparents.

0:18:500:18:53

Come here!

0:18:530:18:54

One thing at a time, yeah?

0:18:560:18:57

There's just so many "what ifs", Dad.

0:18:570:19:00

Exactly. Nothing is decided.

0:19:000:19:03

And I'll tell you what...

0:19:030:19:05

however upset you think your mum is,

0:19:050:19:07

it's not going to do her image any good being called "Granny".

0:19:070:19:11

She's been 51 for the past five years!

0:19:110:19:13

GAV LAUGHS

0:19:130:19:15

MUSIC: "Echo Beach" by Martha and the Muffins

0:19:150:19:18

Hiya. All right?

0:19:210:19:22

Gav! I've finished!

0:19:220:19:23

Marco's gone home, Nino's come down. He said I can go!

0:19:230:19:26

-Gino didn't say anything?

-He wasn't bothered! Shall we go the fair?

0:19:260:19:29

Yes! I heard that. I'm coming.

0:19:290:19:32

-Bryn, you want to come?

-What, the fair?

0:19:320:19:34

Ho-ho, no chance. No way. Not on your nelly.

0:19:340:19:36

-Why not?

-Smithy, no self-respecting resident of Barry Island

0:19:360:19:40

would be seen dead at that fair.

0:19:400:19:42

-Why?

-Oh, don't start, Bryn.

0:19:420:19:44

Nobody died. You just won't go there cos of the ghost train.

0:19:440:19:47

That's got nothing to do with it, Gwen.

0:19:470:19:50

Trevor left him on there when they were little. Round and round he was goin'. Couldn't get out.

0:19:500:19:54

SMITHY LAUGHS

0:19:540:19:57

-Well, I'm going.

-Me too!

0:19:570:19:59

-Uncle Bryn can look after the stuff.

-I've changed my mind. I'm coming.

0:19:590:20:02

GAVIN: Oh! Oh, no! LAUGHTER

0:20:020:20:05

To the fair!

0:20:050:20:07

MUSIC: "Pencil Full of Lead" by Paolo Nutini

0:20:070:20:10

# Oh... I got a sheet for my bed and a pillow for my head

0:20:190:20:23

# I got a pencil full of lead and some water for my throat

0:20:230:20:25

# I got buttons for my coat and sails on my boat

0:20:250:20:28

# So much more than I needed before

0:20:280:20:29

# I got money in the meter and a two-bar heater

0:20:290:20:32

# Oh, and now it's gettin' hotter Oh, it's only gettin' sweeter

0:20:320:20:34

# I've got legs on my chairs and a head full of hair

0:20:340:20:36

# Pot and a pan and some shoes on my feet

0:20:360:20:38

# I've got a shelf full of books and most of my teeth

0:20:380:20:42

# Oh... I got a sheet for my bed and a pillow for my head

0:20:430:20:46

# I got a pencil full of lead and some water for my throat

0:20:460:20:49

# I got buttons for my coat and sails on my boat

0:20:490:20:52

# So much more than I needed before

0:20:520:20:53

# I got money in the meter and a two-bar heater

0:20:530:20:55

# Oh, and now it's gettin' hotter Oh, it's only gettin' sweeter

0:20:550:20:58

# I've got legs on my chairs and a head full of hair

0:20:580:21:00

# Pot and a pan and some shoes on my feet

0:21:000:21:02

# I've got a shelf full of books and most of my teeth

0:21:020:21:05

# Oh... #

0:21:060:21:08

It was just a shock, that's all. I didn't expect to see him there.

0:21:150:21:18

Don't start. I didn't know he was comin', all right?

0:21:180:21:21

Well, how do you think I felt,

0:21:210:21:23

turnin' up and seeing you two on the dodgems?

0:21:230:21:25

You know I loves the bumper cars.

0:21:250:21:27

Oh, don't make it sound like I was doin' somethin' wrong!

0:21:270:21:30

Like wakin' up in bed with someone you've fathered a child with?

0:21:300:21:33

I'd rather get in a dodgem with you any day!

0:21:330:21:35

-..Like I'm makin' a fuss of nothin'.

-Buying gas was more important...

-He's always turnin' up,

0:21:350:21:40

being loud and Cockney, doin' his robots!

0:21:400:21:43

-I gotta be civil to him. He's the mother of my... The father of my child.

-For God's sake, Ness.

0:21:430:21:47

-We're getting married in three weeks. When you going to start putting me first?

-Don't be a twat.

0:21:470:21:52

Sorry to disturb, but are you going to stay?

0:21:560:21:59

Cos we're having a barbecue, we are.

0:21:590:22:00

Well, it depends.

0:22:000:22:02

Look, I'm not going to say nothin', all right?

0:22:020:22:04

We're not going to kick off...

0:22:040:22:05

No, not you. It depends what type of barbecue it is.

0:22:050:22:09

-How d'you mean?

-Are we talking burgers and sausage in a long-life bun, or are you takin' it serious?

0:22:090:22:13

-I'm not sure what...

-I'm talkin' chicken breast, seafood, rib-eye steaks, spare ribs, lamb kebabs.

0:22:130:22:18

What about side orders? Potato salad, coleslaw. What you going to marinate?

0:22:180:22:22

-I think we can...

-You haven't thought this through.

0:22:220:22:24

I know we're getting the meat from Dic! Dic Powell.

0:22:240:22:27

Nawr, Bryn, mae na bopeth asenau, asenau pork, steacen, steacen a'r yr asgwrn...

0:22:270:22:34

sirloin a llygad yr asen... dim fillet dwy ddim cael fillet, breast cyw iar, kebabau

0:22:340:22:39

...a cig halal i gyd a sosej.

0:22:390:22:40

Ah, now, that's definitely "sausage".,

0:22:400:22:43

"Sosej" I know is "sausage". That's a given.

0:22:430:22:46

I think he also said something about steaks, prawns and possibly a kebab.

0:22:460:22:51

I know that. I can see what he's got in his box, Bryn.

0:22:510:22:54

I'm worried about where it's from.

0:22:540:22:56

It looks like it's fallen off the back of a lorry.

0:22:560:22:58

-BRYN LAUGHS

-No, Mick!

0:22:580:23:00

It's not fallen off the back of a lorry. It's been stolen!

0:23:000:23:03

Dic's brother, Ric, works in a slaughterhouse in Llanelli.

0:23:030:23:07

Isn't that right, Dic? I'm telling Mick about Ric!

0:23:070:23:11

-Yn union.

-Why you shouting at him?

0:23:110:23:13

It's the only way I can get through. Anyway,

0:23:130:23:15

Ric helps himself to a few little bits and bobs, then gives it to Dic.

0:23:150:23:18

He then sells them around the back alleys.

0:23:180:23:21

He's been doin' it for years. It's totally legit.

0:23:210:23:24

And the thing is it's incredible value.

0:23:240:23:27

These steaks are 87 pence!

0:23:270:23:30

Well, that is good. 87 pence for a steak?

0:23:300:23:32

No, not 87 pence each!

0:23:320:23:34

87 pence for three!

0:23:340:23:36

How's it goin' there, boys?

0:23:410:23:44

I love barbecues.

0:23:440:23:45

I mean, I just LOVE barbecues.

0:23:450:23:48

-I know.

-I mean, this...

0:23:480:23:49

This is one of the finest inventions since...ever.

0:23:490:23:53

I can't get enough of 'em. Got a stack at home, downstairs toilet. Take them to work with me sometimes.

0:23:530:23:58

The other day, in your mum's garden, fired one up - couple of sausages, bread, lovely.

0:23:580:24:03

When you're done, chuck it.

0:24:030:24:04

-Very environmentally friendly(!)

-Don't start.

0:24:040:24:07

-But it's not, is it?

-Right.

0:24:070:24:08

OK, well, let's all buy a Prius and have a shit in the woods.

0:24:080:24:11

Well, here's one you'll know.

0:24:120:24:14

DORIS STRUMS GUITAR

0:24:140:24:16

# And if a double-decker bus

0:24:160:24:20

# Crashes into us

0:24:200:24:24

# To die by your side

0:24:240:24:27

# Is such a heavenly way to die

0:24:270:24:30

# And if a ten-ton truck

0:24:300:24:34

# Kills the both of us

0:24:340:24:37

# To die by your side

0:24:370:24:39

# Well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine

0:24:390:24:43

BOTH: # Oh, there is a light and it never goes out

0:24:430:24:48

IMITATING MORRISSEY: # There is a light and it never goes out

0:24:480:24:51

# There is a light and it never goes out... #

0:24:510:24:55

LAUGHTER

0:24:550:24:58

Is he all right?

0:24:590:25:00

He's out for the count. I'll keep an eye on him. Don't worry.

0:25:000:25:03

Right, everyone, I think these prawns are ready to roll!

0:25:030:25:06

-Doris, you stay there. I'll get yours.

-Aye, go on, then.

0:25:060:25:08

-Bit of everything?

-Yeah. What doesn't get eaten, stick in the bin.

0:25:080:25:12

-Are you warm enough? Cos I can go get a blanket.

-No, I'm fine, love.

0:25:120:25:16

Hey, I'll tell you what we need - one of those outdoor heaters.

0:25:160:25:19

-Have you seen those, Mick?

-Yeah, I have.

-They are phenomenal!

0:25:190:25:22

They keep you warm when you're outdoors!

0:25:220:25:25

Pete and Dawn have got one.

0:25:250:25:26

Yeah, table-top one.

0:25:260:25:28

Pete sticks it on when he sleeps in the shed.

0:25:280:25:30

LAUGHTER

0:25:300:25:32

I'll tell you where there's a good one - that O'Neill's in Loughton.

0:25:320:25:35

-But if you're right under it...

-It's too warm.

-Makes you sweat.

-Deano was under it all night.

0:25:350:25:39

He was outside, chainin' it, he actually got burnt on the back of his neck. Sunburn.

0:25:390:25:44

Had to put aftersun on. Aloe vera. SMITHY AND MICK: 'Ello, Vera!

0:25:440:25:47

-PHONE BEEPS

-I worry about that boy, you know.

0:25:470:25:49

We all do, Mick. But I tell you, that is the one, only,

0:25:490:25:53

singular good thing to come out of the smoking ban...

0:25:530:25:57

the advancement in outdoor heating.

0:25:570:25:59

This is all very mysterious, isn't it? Texting me?

0:26:020:26:05

I know. I just haven't seen you today. Not properly.

0:26:050:26:10

I fancied a little cwtch.

0:26:100:26:12

I had a good chat with Dad today.

0:26:190:26:21

-Did you? What'd he say?

-Oh, you know, just telling me not to worry.

0:26:210:26:25

Saying it'll be all right and that.

0:26:250:26:27

Well, he's right, isn't he?

0:26:270:26:28

I think what we should do is, we should set a date.

0:26:280:26:31

Say, the end of the year, and not do anything till then.

0:26:310:26:33

-How do you mean?

-Well, we'll keep tryin'.

0:26:330:26:36

And if nothing's happened by then,

0:26:360:26:38

then we'll just have to accept it ain't going to.

0:26:380:26:41

-And start lookin' into adoption and things?

-Yeah.

0:26:410:26:45

OK.

0:26:450:26:47

It's ever so sad, isn't it?

0:26:490:26:52

Yeah.

0:26:520:26:54

Oh, my God.

0:27:040:27:05

Dave's talking to Smithy.

0:27:050:27:07

I just wanted to clear the air about it, that's all.

0:27:070:27:09

-Yeah, whatever. It's fine.

-Just leave it now, OK?

0:27:090:27:12

You've said your piece. Let the man eat his food in peace.

0:27:120:27:15

-I'm just sayin', that's all.

-And I'm sayin' it's fine.

0:27:150:27:17

-Everythin' all right?

-Fine.

0:27:170:27:19

-Cos we're getting married...

-In three weeks. You said.

0:27:190:27:21

And I know that what happened meant nothing to her or to you...

0:27:210:27:25

BOTH: If anything did happen...

0:27:250:27:26

Let's just draw a line under the whole thing and move on.

0:27:260:27:30

-Shall we?

-Yeah. Can I eat my sausage now?

0:27:300:27:32

No hard feelings, yeah?

0:27:320:27:36

Well... I can't believe it.

0:27:370:27:40

-In three weeks, you're going to be married, eh, Ness?

-I know.

0:27:400:27:43

-I love a wedding, me.

-Me too!

0:27:430:27:45

I know. It's really lush.

0:27:450:27:46

And you should see Nessa's dress. It's absolutely mesmerising.

0:27:460:27:50

Don't tell me any details now. Don't want to jinx it.

0:27:500:27:53

-And Jason's coming over, Pam. I can't wait to see him.

-Oh, little gay Jase!

0:27:530:27:58

-Is he still all right to stay with you, Bryn?

-Yes, all sorted. The sofa's got his name on it.

0:27:580:28:03

Everything OK, now, is it, then,

0:28:030:28:04

with you and him and all that fishin' trip nonsense?

0:28:040:28:07

A toast!

0:28:140:28:16

To the happy couple.

0:28:160:28:17

Nessa and David.

0:28:170:28:18

-Nessa and Dave!

-ALL: Nessa and David!

0:28:180:28:20

# Tell me tomorrow I'll wait by the window for you

0:28:220:28:27

# I'll wait by your big house for you

0:28:320:28:36

# I'll wait by the squeeze-box for you. #

0:28:400:28:44

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:440:28:47

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:470:28:50

It is Bank Holiday Monday, and the Essex contingent arrives for a sunny day out at the beach; even Doris gets her sun dress on.

Gavin's heart-to-heart with his dad gives him something more to think about, and a dark cloud looms on the horizon when Dave arrives to find Nessa and Smithy enjoying all the fun of the fair.