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# Roll, river
# Keep on rolling
# Ancient lady
# Roll, river
# Roll. #
Oh, hiya. Excuse me.
Um...can you tell me where ward K2 is, please?
-You're late, Kim.
-I'm sorry, I couldn't find the ward. NURSE SIGHS
Did you not get the briefing about following the yellow line?
I did think about that, but then I thought it might just be a patient that had pissed themselves.
Can you get your coat off and come and give us a hand?
I don't know. It's a very fancy bed, isn't it?
Well, let's just have a crack, shall we? It can't be that difficult.
Well, I haven't been to a training session, Kim, so...
All right, I'm quite good on the DS.
Can we just move it up?
That's it, that's good. That's excellent.
Yeah, Kim, can you just make sure it doesn't... She doesn't...
Kim! Kim! Please stop, stop, stop! Stop that now.
Can you not get it back down?
Yeah. No, Kim, you're going to squash her now.
-Kim! Kim! Her knees are...
Can you not just make the whole thing come down flat now?
That's better. Now you've got to hold her, though.
Make sure she's not going to topple. Kim!
-I can't, I'm pressing the button, aren't I?
-Move it more towards me.
Ah, that's perfect. OK, if I hold her, can you...
-No, stop. Stop, stop, stop!
-Oh, bloody hell!
-Have you got her?
-That's too much.
-Yeah, I mean I'm holding her.
-Can I go for my break now?
-That's it. Now I think we should just...
-Leave her there.
Leave her there, but press the emergency
so we can get it right back down to the normal height.
There's a...there's a red handle. Shall we give that a go?
-Yeah, give that a go.
-Ooh, that's it, perfect.
See, that's what you need, a handle, not some button.
But do her pulse oximeter and reset the bed.
But the thing is, like, right, it's not responding now.
I think what's happened, Kim, is you've given it so many mixed messages...
How can I give a machine mixed messages?
-Will you drink a bit for me now?
Yeah, let me put it here.
-I think that is Sister's office, you know.
You wouldn't build a ward without a Sister's office, would you?
-But perhaps it's a linen cupboard.
Oh, Kim. You can't take your break this morning
cos I've booked in my health MOT for 11.
Aiden is a bit worried about my heart
and, well, he likes me cuddly for sex, obviously, but...
..it just...you know, I'm trying to be a responsible human being.
Actually, if I miss my break, then can I go ten minutes early?
It's Darren's birthday.
I'll think about it, all right?
What time are you booked in, anyway, for yours?
Oh, I'm not going to bother. I know exactly what he's going to say.
"Low-fat diet, give up smoking, BMI,
"give us a kiss." PHONE RINGS
Hello. Ward K2.
Yeah, I think I've got one bed.
-Bay 2, K2.
Gents, morning. Sorry, I had to navigate my way around the M25.
I had a mini-break to celebrate my decree nisi. Ha-ha.
-Den, can I just pop these in your office? Just a few...
-Oh, sorry, I don't have an office yet.
-Oh, snap. There do seem to be some teething problems with this merger, don't there?
-can I pop them behind your desk for now, then?
-Er...no, no, sorry.
My other pair of shoes and my sandwiches are already...
-Two pairs of shoes? Gosh.
-Hardly Imelda Marcos, is it?
There we go, there's plenty of room under there. I'll just pop them under here.
Could you leave them in your car, please, Dr Moore? Would that...?
No, no, no, no. You should never leave things in an unattended car.
Rule number four.
There we go. Look, that's plenty of space. That won't get in your way. All right?
-It does take up quite a lot of room.
-They can flatten, can't they?
I mean that's actually a 600-thread Egyptian cotton
which, er...a bit of a bargain there, gents, at the outlet village.
I mean, I couldn't get the whole set. Um...I had to make do with percale pillowcases,
but I think that's not really going to show in the guest bedrooms.
Yes, Philip always had to have, er... poly-mix cos of the psoriasis.
But there we go, that's all... Josh, can I have a very quick word?
Can't we just set fire to them?
Josh, I know that your parents are very disappointed that you're
into retakes, and goodness knows, yes, it's been a...a disappointment,
but looking forward, on the bright side, I do have some exciting news.
I have a new research programme which I'm going to need a helpmeet on.
I've had a phone call from Professor Portnoy-Noor,
who tells me that we're absolutely ticking the right box,
that the green light is... is almost imminent.
What I'm going to do is bring the genito-urinary team
bang up against the bowel boys. It's going to be pretty radical stuff,
and you're going to be one of the first to get in there, so think on.
Er...right, gents, do you want to come over?
Oh, incidentally, gents, if you do head over Woodstock way,
do divert to the Blenheim Palace tapestries - they are absolutely magical.
Jolly good. Try and keep up, please. Do try and look a little...
-Oh, Den, you've dropped your...
Mouse is on the floor. Eek.
-Where are we going this morning?
-We're going to Mrs Ben-Abdullah.
-Hello there, Mrs Ben.
-That's right. How are you?
-Are you feeling much better? She's much better.
Responded very well to the co-amoxiclav, haven't you?
Terrific. You were supposed to discharge her on Friday.
-It's just you weren't here, so...
-Can we get the obs up, Sister?
Not quite yet.
-Does anybody know how to work these things? Do you know?
-Yes, I do.
-Oh, you do?
-You've had training, have you?
-Yeah. Just a bit stuck at the moment.
-Is that you or is that the machine?
-I don't think it's me...
Den, do you want to switch with this gentleman?
Yes. Sorry. Hansley, would you mind just doing bed two first?
-I have a timetable.
-I know, but don't worry,
I can have a word with your superior nurse.
Somebody listen to her chest. Come on, somebody volunteer. You're not going to bite, are you?
No, she's not going to, she's promised. Can I have a volunteer?
Good, yes. Josh, you weren't quick enough.
Come around. Jolly good, have a little listen to the chest.
-Have we got the obs up yet, Den?
This is a huge step-change in the right direction, these electronic patient records.
We are no longer bogged down by these huge paper notes,
-as you will remember from recently, Josh. So, is that, er...working?
Good morning! What would you like for your lunch?
You are gluten-free, soft and halal.
Halal. So, that's, um...Thai green curry.
That sounds delicious, doesn't it? But this lady's not going to be here for lunch today,
because we're just sorting out her TTO, so...
If Sister could please, er...send an e-mail to Eezi Heat Services,
the Luton offices. And they can forward that, then, to Pondicherry for processing.
-Yes, I've done that already. I did that on Friday.
-Co.uk or .com?
-Yeah, can we get this blood...
Er...can we sort this out later? Thank you so much.
-And what is the problem here?
Is that coming out? Can you give it a quick wipe, maybe?
-I think actually...
-..it might be quicker if I get the...
-Can we get a cloth?
-We need to...can you...
-No, sorry, sorry. They're not allowed to clean those machines.
Oh, for goodness' sake! Do I have to do everything?
Sorry, just borrowing your...
Sorry, Dr Moore. Sorry, you aren't allowed to actually...
-Yes, no, I'm doing it.
-Yeah, but you can't put water on it.
Erm...that'll probably dry off. Will it? I would imagine.
I dropped my mobile once down the toilet, and that was fine.
Right. Gents. Er...where to next, Sister?
-Hi, Kim. Welcome to St Jude's.
-It's lovely to see you again.
-Thank you. Hello. Hello, matrons.
-No, it...it's mister.
Mr Loftus is undertaking a private consultative contract for the Trust.
He's carrying out a skills mix review in a number of wards, including K2.
-You won't even know I'm here.
-And would either of you like a cake? Mr Loftus?
It's all in a good cause. Cultural diversity.
-Go on. The yellow one matches your tie.
Do you mind if I don't? This is Armani.
-Oh, hi, Damaris. Hils.
Um...could you get Mr Loftus a chair, please, Sister?
-Kim, could you get Mr Loftus a chair, please?
-No, no need whatsoever.
I'm...I'm just here to observe. I'll just, um...blend into the wallpaper.
You're just standing there watching us, then?
Yeah, I hope you're not going to watch my bottom!
Er...cultural diversity cupcake, Den?
Oh, that. Oh, they're... Oh, they're so pretty.
It's just a little welcome to the hospital for the two of you.
I love cultural diversity. Yeah, I've been out with loads of black guys, you know.
-It was always brilliant.
-HILARY CLEARS THROAT
-Erm...I'm just going to set up my iPad.
-Do you mind if I have the pink one?
-I'll see you later. Enjoy the cakes.
-Oh, thank you so much.
He is looking at your bum, you know.
Don't worry about it, Kim, honestly.
He's gay. I'm married.
Den, could I have a word with you in private, please?
-Is that all right?
..just wondered if anybody else fancied the yellow cake?
-You don't want it, do you, Kim?
-Er...no, thank you.
Do you want to come into my temporary office?
Yes, absolutely. You're in here, are you?
-Yes. Do take a seat.
No, I'm fine, thank you.
I just need to get your buy-in, Den, for my research,
er...which is colonisation of conventional gut bacteria in the amenorrheic woman
and its effect on mucosa in the atrophic vagina and urethra.
-So, what I...
-That's, erm...what in layman...
Well, put in layperson's terms, I suppose,
well, you're probably already aware yourself, aren't you,
of certain changes in the undercarriage area, and the...
-Sorry, where is this headed?
-Not to worry.
-Er...very much in post-65 vulvas...
...which, you know, obviously, you've a way to go,
but specifically what we're going to be looking for,
and this is where you're going to come in, um...is polarisation of the vaginal area,
-thinning of tissue...
-Sounds fascinating, absolutely.
It's just that, it's not that I don't want to get involved,
it's just that you're going to have to take it up with my successor.
-Have...have you been...
-No, no, no, no.
-Aiden and I, we... Well, we're moving.
-Where...where are you going?
-What's he up to?
-He's starting a business with his brother.
Oh, right. And you're going to be helping with the scrubbing, are you?
No, no, no. He doesn't want me to work any more so...
Are you sure you want to give up your independence, Den?
-Oh, well, that's a shame.
You'd have enjoyed getting your teeth into my vaginal atrophy.
Oh, whilst we're here, Den,
could you check how many times Mrs Ben-Abdullah is doing a wee?
Because that's going to affect her discharge.
-All right, thank you.
Oh, hello again, Mrs Dethick.
-Hello there. I'm not well.
-Not too good?
-No, no, not good at all.
-Come on, then. Shall we put you into bed?
-Are you all right, Donald?
Yeah, I'm all right.
Mm. Did you get any pillowcases, Kim?
No, Annapurna said they're a bit low, too,
but they'd talk to Fuji later and maybe get some.
-Hello, has Mrs Dethick arrived yet?
-She has, yes.
-Not that she's really ill So it doesn't make much...
Um...yeah, I was just, er... She's not actually that ill, so...
-Oh. Have you already examined her, Dr Dukes?
No. Right, well, we'll...we'll see, then, shall we? Have her notes come up yet?
I've got the older ones, some of the paper ones,
because the EPR's gone down now and we're waiting for Maintenance.
There's no blame intended there, accidents happen, of course, so...
-Have you had your health check, James?
Yes, Dr Kersley's told me that I've got rather low cholesterol.
I can even indulge in a little bit more butter. Ha-ha!
Though he probably won't say that to you, will he, James?
Er...it's genetics often, isn't it? But, no...
-Does he do bloods?
-Yes, bloods, swabs.
-Urine, the lot. He's pretty thorough.
-Oh, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.
-Hello, Mrs Dethick.
You remember Dr Moore. I'm sure you'll remember Mrs Dethick, won't you?
-Yes, hello again.
-Yes, she was in in March.
Um...for biliary colic, and she had some tests, June, abdo X-rays.
-Yeah, that was severe constipation.
-September, you had intravenous urethrogram for renal colic and stones?
-All those test results were negative.
And now you've spotted blood in your faeces?
I saw a poster in the chemist.
Yes, I think sometimes those can be a bit alarming, can't they, yes?
Sometimes a bit of autosuggestion...
Yes, so...so that must have caused you some alarm?
-Yes, and I haven't been feeling very well in myself.
-No. I think we'll run a few routine tests.
You know, rule out anything sinister. All right?
So, Josh, do you want to, um...organise using this group
and, say, top and tail, colonoscopy, please, as well.
And bloods, check the haematinics. Thank you.
-And will I have to have an MRI scan?
-Not necessarily, no.
Because the thing is I... I get claustrophobic.
-She's already had a CAT scan.
-And was that clear?
-Well, these things can change, and sometimes pretty quickly, unfortunately.
(The last time she was in, it was just constipation.
(There was nothing more serious.)
Yes, that may well be the case, Den, but we don't want to rule out
metastasisation of the liver and pancreas
and possibly even, you know, ovarian cancer so...
Oh, actually, Josh, could you pop down
a CA-125 tumour marker on that list for me, please?
-And how's your appetite?
-It's very poor.
Yes, well, she did manage the cupcakes so...
-Yes, but I didn't have any breakfast.
We'll run the routine tests, and, just to be on the safe side,
ask the oncology team to pop down and have a little look,
just to get the differential diagnoses, all right?
In the meantime, could you organise, er...20 milligrams of Buscopan
and some paracetamol, all right?
You just have a quick relax there, Mrs Dethick, yes?
That woman is completely wasting our time.
There's people in here who are actually ill, people like Enid here.
-All right, Enid?
-I didn't get much sleep last night.
-It was so hot.
Den, look, that's the last of the sheets, all right?
-Can I put a duvet cover on her?
Just use your discretion, Kim.
I mean, does it actually need changing?
Well, it did, yeah.
Ah, er...Josh, can I firm you up later?
Er...look, I know in your continent, er...
I...I just think that vulvas could be a very exciting area
for you to get into as, er... your specialism, you know,
given some of the more, er...barbaric,
for want of a better expression, practices...
I mean, although, obviously, who are we in the West to...
to judge these things? Um...but I...
I really feel, Josh, if you come on board with my vag-at, you know,
by the time you do get back to your part of the world,
you will know the intricacies of female genitalia
like the back of your hand.
So, you know, think on.
Ah, sorry, I didn't realise you were here, Mr Loftus.
Er...this is highly confidential, pioneering clinical research, so...
You...you're not here anyway, are you?
Er...yes, thank you.
Sorry, Mrs Ben-Abdullah.
You're still waiting for your GP letter, aren't you?
-Did you order some lunch?
I'm...I'm not sure.
-I'll make you some toast.
-Sorry, Kim, that took ages.
It was fantastic, absolutely amazing.
I'm going to get all the test results today.
Do you want any help with the red trays?
Please. I've done Ms Burgess. You want to do Enid?
Portobello and chestnut mushroom pappardelle?
That's... They don't want that.
They want mince and potatoes. It's so stupid.
Hey, Mrs Dethick. Can I tempt you with that?
I don't think so, dear.
I heard the doctor say something about cancer.
Look, do you think that would be right with my symptoms?
I don't want to be a nuisance.
No, listen, don't worry about it.
I mean, obviously they've got to rule out the worst.
-I'm sure it'll be fine.
-You think that's what it is?
Well, I hope you're right.
Sorry, Kim, sorry. Just have a quick word.
(Try not to over-reassure the patients, because it's not good practice.)
(Just give them the facts, OK?)
(Yeah, but you said yourself there was nothing wrong with her.)
(There is nothing wrong with her,)
(but we can't be the ones to tell her that.)
Hi, Jason. No, we have got tomato sauce.
It's in the fridge. No, it's for Darren's birthday cake.
Well, look again!
All right, well, we must have run out. I'll get some on the way home.
-I like a treacle pudding. Do you?
-Yes, I do.
That's it, good girl.
-Hi, Den. You having lunch?
-No, this is Enid's lunch here.
-No, I mean later.
I thought perhaps we could find a quiet corner in Chatters.
I don't...I don't think it's a good idea, Hilary.
I have renewed my vows now.
-I didn't know that.
Well, if I could just have a moment with you, would that be all right?
It's quite important.
Enid, can you...do you want to help yourself to that?
Yeah? All right, then.
-Let's go to my office.
-OK. Thank you, madam.
Erm...do you want to take a seat?
Now, what can I do for you?
(You sure she can't hear?)
No, no, she's stage 13.
Unlucky for some. That's what they say, isn't it?
Well, not for me, though, cos I can use this room as an office.
Erm...listen, what I've come here for is to tell you
I'm going to have one of those health checks this afternoon.
Right. You're not allowed one, are you, cos you're not NHS any more?
-Cos you're an accountant or...
-No, no, I'm not an accountant.
I'm a business consultant.
-And I'm paying in for it myself, anyway.
-Yeah, well, it's tax deductible, so...
-How much is it?
-Well, I don't really want to go into that.
-I just...I'm only asking cos...
Just listen to me. I've got something very important to say.
While I'm there, I'm going to have an HIV test...
..and I think you should too.
Right, thank you.
That was it, really, just...
Hiya, Kim. Hi, Den.
-Hi, Damaris. Hi.
I just wanted to make sure you've got
an appropriate allocation of linen.
Actually, Popocatepetl have been on the rob and...
Yeah, we are a bit short.
Yeah, we could do with a few more sheets.
I can task someone
-to sort that out for you, no problem.
-Would you like one of your cakes?
-Erm...oh, no, thanks, Den.
You sure? I mean there's a black one, er...brown one left here if...
I mean, they were all nice, all the different colours,
but the brown one was... was particularly nice.
No, no, thanks, Den. Right, do you need anything else or...
-Great. Well, see you later.
-See you later.
-Bye. Bye, Den.
-Thanks so much, Damaris.
Why is she so bloody nice?
Well, she only graduated a minute ago
and already she's two grades above me.
And above me, Kim. Well, that's what a degree does for you.
Den, can I borrow you for a moment?
Um...Mrs Dethick is showing signs of anxiety.
-Well, I did mention that she might...
Sue, thank you so much for popping by.
-Any major concerns at this stage?
-No, not really.
All right, Sue, I'll see you later.
Den, can I just borrow your office for a moment?
Ah, Mr Loftus. I'm just, er...
borrowing Sister Flixter's desk for a moment.
Don't worry about me cos I... I'm not here.
Yes, I'm sure you are.
Are the nursing staff aware that this skills mix review of yours
will involve identifying surplus fat?
I mean, isn't your job to cut these care systems down to the bare bone?
We, um...we may be looking at some streamlining.
14, 15. Clean sluice.
So, er...did you manage a holiday this year, then, Mrs Dethick?
Well, I didn't think I was going to be able to,
but actually I did manage a week in Albufeira.
-Yeah, it is rather nice there, isn't it?
Hello, Mrs Dethick. Just going to take some blood from you.
-That's all right, nothing to worry about.
Just relax for me, just relax.
I...I don't think... I'm not really very well.
No, you're not. You're getting too worked up.
Now, just long, deep breaths, OK? It's all right. Nothing to worry about.
-I'm beginning to feel quite dizzy!
Well done, well done. Nice and slow.
-Get me an ECG machine, please.
-All right, long deep breaths.
Ah, James. Sue was just suggesting
we take Mrs Dethick down for a high colonoscopy.
-She's having a panic attack.
-Ah, James, two milligrams diazepam.
Yep. OK. Well done, well done.
She...she needs a psychological assessment from Denby Park.
No, we have a lot of things to rule out before we leap
to that conclusion, Nurse.
Could you call a porter when she's a bit calmer? Thank you.
MRS DETHICK WHEEZES
Oh, yeah, hi. Um...can you tell me
who the duty psychiatrist is, please?
I'm calling from ward K2 at St Jude's. We need an assessment.
-Is that coffee?
-Yes, it's coffee, yeah.
Yeah, and, um... well, might as well take three.
-Do you want four?
-Yeah. Oh, sorry, excuse me.
-Hang on a sec.
Yes, it is, yeah.
27th of the 10th, 1967.
Oh, that's great. Thank...thank you.
Yeah, and what... what about the blood sugar?
5.2? That's fantastic.
Oh, I was hoping you might be Estates.
We've got a broken bed and a locked door.
No, I haven't seen Sister for ages.
Yeah, all right, I'll tell her. Cheers. Bye. Bye.
Can you tell Den I'll give her a ring?
Did you call Nigel Hoskins about Mrs Dethick?
He tells me you've diagnosed her as hypochondriacal.
-Right. Well, thank you for your honesty, at least.
I would ask you in future, Nurse,
not to meddle in other people's business.
You have caused me great embarrassment with Dr Hoskins.
Have you got any sheets? We're really short next door.
-No, I don't think we have.
Oh. No, hang on a minute.
-Um...look, these should keep you going.
-All right? See you later. Ta-ra.
Yes, so, there's no blood in your faeces, and you're not anaemic,
so we'll be able to discharge you tomorrow.
-Oh, thank goodness.
-Yes, oncology are fairly happy,
although they would like us to go ahead with that colonoscopy,
so you'll receive an appointment through the post, OK?
Why? Do you think there might... might be something else?
Well, old age doesn't come alone, I'm afraid, Mrs Dethick.
-All right? Jolly good.
Sorry. Um...is it all right? I...I need to go in a minute.
Yeah. Whatever. Yeah, fine.
I'll tell you what, though, thanks for making me go to my health check.
I don't know quite how it happened,
but everything's in the normal range.
Oh, and, um...and, Den, Hilary wants you to call him.
Thanks, Kim. Yeah, I'll... I'll phone him.
-Yeah. Go on, Kim. Quick.
You'll miss the shuttle bus. Go on.
Den, are you sure you're all right?
I think so.
I'm going to be a mum.
I'm pregnant. Six weeks.
Bloody hell. Is that a good thing? DEN SIGHS
No. I...I'm just surprised. I thought I was too old.
-Well, you're only 38.
-Oh, that's just my dating age.
Go on, Kim, you really will miss the bus. It's...
-Yeah, you've got two minutes.
-I've probably missed it already.
Look, I'll put the kettle on and I'll do the handover notes,
all right? I'll be back in a bit.
Dave, yeah, it's me.
Can you get Jason some tomato sauce on your way home?
Cos I'm going to be a bit late.
And tell Darren I'm sorry,
I'll be home as soon as I can, all right?
# Roll, river
# Keep on rolling
# Ancient lady
# Roll, river
# Roll. #
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