Episode 2 Getting On

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-Would anyone like another coffee?

-Go on, then.

-Great.

-Thank you.

This is decent stuff. I brought it from home. It's not one of these ripoff-uccinos from Bonjour.

Anyone want a top-up? Den?

-No, thanks. I'm off coffee. I'm...

-In. I'll just...

All-righty, there you go.

So, I mean, as I was saying, the...

Yeah, with iMed Healthcare Management Solutions,

undertaking the creation of a database

to link clinical commissioning with a hospital provider

in preparation for 2013,

I think, you know, we...we're all set.

Are you still undertaking your skills mix review for the Trust, though, Mr Loftus?

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, yes.

Ah, right, and so that won't affect patient pathways?

I'm not bothered about patients, Pippa.

My client, in this instance Dr Kersley,

is committed to providing best value, significant savings,

and also supply, um...chain expertise to the healthcare sector.

-Absolutely.

-We're an excellent provider, Tom.

If you're delivering excellence at the right price,

then we're interested in procurement solutions.

Dr Kersley is looking at 500 hips, and...and that's just for a kickoff.

VEHICLES PASSING OUTSIDE

Are we absolutely happy that there is no conflict of interest

in us recommending that Dr Moore sit on the new GP Commissioning Group

at the same time as St Jude's tenders for 500 hips, 600 knees?

You know, from a primary care POV, we are fully compliant, so...

Yes, yes, well, as I've said, I have very, very little to do with the surgical team.

-Right.

-My vag-at research is bacterial migration via the motion of solids,

-fluids, semen, discharges, seepage...

-OK.

...if you like, and indeed gas along the perineum,

and ultimately colonising the entire atrophic undercarriage.

So, you know, it's absolutely a million miles away from hips,

although not anatomically, of course, so...

So, you're looking very much a sort of intermixture of departments here?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. You've got vagina, urethra, anus.

You know, these guys don't normally talk to each other.

-So I'm talking about bringing the whole...

-CUPS CRASH

-Lord, Tom, I'm so sorry. Gosh.

-Don't worry.

-Your suit. Let me just...

-Oh. Don't, don't. No. Ooh, er...

-Just awful. I'm so sorry.

-Don't worry.

-Is there a toilet or...?

-It's second on the left.

-So sorry, Tommy.

-Thank you. Do you want to carry on?

Yes, actually, I think we've covered everything, haven't we?

I, er...I think so. I actually wouldn't mind getting off,

because I don't like to leave the practice unmanaged...

-Yes, no, of course. No, absolutely.

-...during patient hours.

Tania, can I just add my taxi receipt from this morning, please...

-TANIA: Yeah, absolutely.

-...to my monthly expenses cheque?

-TANIA: And your meal allowance. Just get that to me.

-That's great, thanks.

-Did you get a taxi to work?

-Oh, gosh, Tom. Am I forgiven?

-Absolutely not.

-BOTH LAUGH

-So sorry.

-No, of course, of course you are.

-Gosh. Awful.

-Please don't worry, don't worry.

-So, I think we're done?

-Yes, we're... Everything.

-Listen, um...

-Thank you so much.

-...it's terrific to see you, Pippa.

-Yes.

-I will crack on with that recommendation.

-Fabulous. Thank you so much, Tom.

-Great.

-Hilary, um...thanks for everything.

-Thanks.

Good. All right, I'll grab that. Whoops.

Is it mine?

No, I'm just taking this for Kim. Look, there's loads here, Hilary.

-Help yourself.

-No, no, not the croissants.

The baby.

Hils, I really don't think it can be.

But Dr Moore said there could be significant seepage

from the back bottom to the front bottom.

Listen, I don't even know if I'm going to keep it.

Honestly, don't hold your breath.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I was an SEN.

S-E-N.

Yeah, it's...it's what you did if you'd only got CSEs.

But, you know, I... I have got 15 years' experience.

50 modules?

Then I can go to...to medical school?

Oh, hang on. Sorry, I'll... I'll have to call you back.

Doris, please do not get out of bed, OK?

There's a care assistant coming later today.

Hey! Hey, are you from Estates?

Come on, back into bed. In you go.

Hey!

Come back!

Ooh, Kim, I've got you some free croissants.

Someone just came out of that room.

What room? The one that you think's your office.

No.

God.

-Was he...? Did he look like he was from Estates?

-He just looked like a bloke.

-PHONE RINGS

-You do need to be a bit more observant, Kim.

-Sorry.

-Oh, Kim, please don't take that call. I need to...

-I've got to.

-...prepare for ward round.

Oh, hi. Ques a Bwengu.

No, well, it's because the knob on the toaster's probably been turned down.

Put it back up to six, OK?

OK, got the bread in? Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, and...and if you smell burning,

just press that button on the left-hand side, the blue one.

All right. Yeah, I'll see you later.

You would be a lot better, Kim, sorting out the patients' toasts here,

rather than sorting out toast for your lodger.

Has the dementia care assistant arrived?

-Doris! That's... Don't do that. Doris!

-I take that as a no.

You'll have some sort of terrible accident.

-Good morning, Sister.

-Oh! Yes.

-How are you today?

-Fine, Damaris, yes.

-Well, I'm a bit tired, actually.

-Of course.

-I wondered if you could make a window for me this morning.

-Sorry?

-Would 8.40 suit?

-Yeah, that's fine, yeah.

-Great. My office, then?

-Yeah.

-Lovely.

-Great. OK, well, I'll see you, 8.40.

-8.40. Lovely.

-Hi, Kim.

-Hi.

-Bye, Kim.

-Bye.

What did little Miss Bachelor of Sciences want?

Oh, I don't know. I don't really care. Handing in my notice anyway.

GEARS WHIRRING

You're going to have to keep an eye on Doris, Kim.

Well, they haven't exactly made it easy for us, have they?

Well, you've got that mirror up there. You can just look at her through the mirror.

I mean, I can't really tell even which room she's in from here.

-It's on...

-I don't think it is.

-No, it's that side, isn't it?

-It doesn't twist the whole thing round, does it?

-That's what they do normally, isn't it?

-It's what seems...

-Do you know what? It would be a lot easier.

What? This.

-What, if we move the nurses'...

-Aha!

Yeah, they should have the nurses' desk like this, but that's the data protection thing, isn't it, now?

-In... In what way?

-Because if we're sitting like this

-in a nurses' station like it used to be...

-It's much better, though, isn't it?

Yeah, well, we haven't got a desk now so there's no work to do.

-Lovely.

-That is better.

-BOTH LAUGH

Now, I've just been informed by Patient Experience

that a DANI is going to be taking place any day now.

Oh, right. Yeah, OK. Well, my... my ward's always ready, so...

Yes, er...but let's just keep an extra eye on quality of provision.

-Yeah. Brilliant.

-Fine, I'll look out for anyone in a suit, yeah.

Well, any clothes, actually, cos they tend to dress down these days.

Oh, right. OK, I'll look out for anyone in any clothes at all.

So...

Thanks.

No, I appreciate that you wanted to keep your condition confidential until your 12-week scan,

but I'm really glad that you e-mailed me, Sister.

Oh, well, um...actually,

um...

...I'm feeling a bit thrown by it.

Well, I mean, in order to maximise your effectiveness during your pregnancy,

you become my responsibility.

Yeah, well, not necessarily, because I might just...

So, the first thing I need to do is evaluate your entitlements.

Entitlements?

Yes, you're entitled to 52 weeks' maternity leave,

26 weeks' ordinary, and 26 weeks' additional,

and you have a range of rights during this period,

including flexible working arrangements,

should you wish to return to work at the end of your leave.

Oh.

You may be entitled to paid time off for antenatal care,

and you are also protected from unfair treatment.

Oh, that's really nice, cos actually I do feel very vulnerable.

Mm. Well, I'm going to conduct a specific risk assessment for your needs,

and you're entitled to a free fridge for your expressed breast milk.

Mm.

-Is that all clear?

-Lovely.

Anything else I can answer any questions on, or...

I don't think so, just...

...just...could it be a fridge freezer?

The benefits are amazing.

Oh!

Mm, I do deserve it, don't I?

-Yeah.

-SHE LAUGHS

Maybe we should have a little holiday, yeah?

You, me and bump? Ahh.

I'd love that.

All right, do you want to say goodbye?

Yeah. Putting you on.

What did he say?

Ah.

Yeah, I'll speak to you later, love.

All right, yeah. I don't know where I'll be, but...

OK.

No, I'm going now.

-So, he met her at the council office?

-Yes.

Some assistant to head of planning bimbo. French.

Yes, I sometimes wish I'd never dreamt of a double-height conservatory,

let alone pushing it through to the planning stage.

Yes, I feel sorry for him, really, you know?

-Men can't help themselves, can they?

-No.

Especially if there's a younger model involved.

-Well...

-Not that I'm saying...

-Oh, no. I'm sure you feel as I do, Tania,

that men are very threatened by a mature woman, aren't they?

So...you know. But on the plus side, it has meant that I'm free,

-and I've had a couple of dates with...

-Ooh.

...the odd person from the badminton league,

but no-one with really any real oomph.

Well, those chaps are very hard to find.

-Yes, aren't they just?

-Mm.

Yes, still, there we are. But here we are with one on our own doorstep.

Mr Loftus?

No, no, no, no. The very attractive Dr Kersley.

Ah.

-Is he taken or...?

-Yeah...yes.

He's been married for seven years.

Has he? Has he? Yes, well, that figures.

Not always happily, but...

I thought... You do know he's married to me?

-Yes, yes, I do.

-LAUGHS

I'm just pulling your leg.

Um...I'll...we'll speak later, yes?

-OK.

-All right, thanks so much.

-Bye-bye.

-Yes, bye-bye.

Oh, sorry, Hansley.

Morning, gents. I'm just going to...

-Here you go.

-Oh, cheers.

Thanks, Kim.

BUZZING

Damaris said, by the way, if anyone comes in looking a bit chavvy,

we've got to be really nice to them, yeah?

-But I'm always nice to everyone.

-Yeah, well, it will be DANI.

Minogue or La Rue?

-No. The Dignity And Nutrition Inspectorate.

-PHONE RINGS

Hello, Ward K2. Kim speaking.

Dave.

I told you not to call on this phone.

Oh, all right.

-Right.

-Dr Moore?

No, sorry, I need to start ward round, thank you.

No, it...it's Dave, about changing your locks.

Ah, right. OK, yes. Excuse me, gents, I'll just take this. Yes.

Er...hello. Hello, Mr Wilde. Yes.

I have been given legal advice that, um... I do need to change all the locks.

Every point in the property needs to be secure, so... Mm.

(Divorce is so sad, isn't it?)

The cylinder mortice has the internal knob. Right.

Well, satin brass if that's... Is that more costly, or...

No? Good. All right, yes, we'll go with that.

OK, yes. Thank you very much indeed. Yes, bye-bye.

-Oh, sorry. Did you want to...

-Um...

Right, gents, could I have a word about taking bloods?

Could you come over here just a moment, please?

-OK to clean now?

-Yeah, it's fine, Hansley. You carry on.

So, Dr Duke's not talked you through all of this?

-No.

-Well, he's told me he has.

So, I'm inclined to rather believe him, so please do that, and...

-Are you divorced, Hansley?

-That's a bit personal, Den.

-Well, most people are, Kim.

-I can't afford to get married.

Are the Cerium workers up for the strike?

Might push your wages up.

-Breach of contract.

-Ah, yeah. That's it, isn't it?

They've got us all over a barrel, and not in a good way.

Right, are we ready, Sister?

-Yes.

-Good. Right.

-Where to first?

-We're going to Mrs Withy.

-It's Green Bay.

-Oh.

DOOR BUZZER

-Hello.

-Hi. Justin Hamilton. I think you're expecting me?

That's right. Cup of coffee? Biscuit?

-A coffee would be nice.

-OK. There's a seat over there, all right?

-I'll be back in a sec.

-Thanks.

Just a quick examination, all right?

When a patient has been taking part in regular sexual intercourse

into their 60s and 70s, as this lady clearly has,

as you'll see when we have a look at the callusing,

unless she's been instructed to use a... a dilator, which she may have done,

but either way the likelihood of atrophic degeneration is...is considerably reduced.

And contrary to popular belief,

it's the post-menopausal vagina that most benefits from intercourse,

certainly from a...a medical perspective, so we'll...we'll just...

Hello, Mrs Willy.

-Withy.

-Withy. Come in, gents. Pull the curtain to, please.

-How are you feeling?

-I'm all right, thanks.

Oh, I'm so pleased. You're looking a lot better. So, can we have a little look at your abscess?

-OK.

-Lovely. Lovely, lovely.

Yeah, so that's healed up pretty nicely, gents.

You can see in there that's all looking a lot...a lot better,

and I imagine you're feeling quite a bit more comfortable?

I'm... I'm so pleased.

So, I wonder, would you mind

if I just talked my doctors through a couple of pointers, whilst we're here?

So, gents, come on in.

What we were referring to earlier, what I was telling you about,

we've got the, er...classic fusion of labia majora and minora.

I don't think you can see, can you? Pop your head right in, please?

Um...we're not getting thinning too badly around the urethra,

which can be a locus of great discomfort.

-Sorry, Doctor, would you mind if I just sat down? I'm just...

-Are you all right?

I just feel a bit tired. I'm... I'm an expectant mother.

DOCTOR 1: Ah. DOCTOR 2: Ah, congratulations.

-Thank you.

-Goodness! Goodness me.

Well, gosh, you're a brave lady, Sister. I'm not sure I'd want all of that at our age.

-Yeah, it will keep me young.

-Yes, or send you to an early grave.

Um...jolly good. So, yes, thank you very much indeed.

-DEN PANTING

-I think we'll move on from there. Thank you, Sister.

Could you organise a TTO for this lady, please?

Sitting down, if you must. All right, shall we head out?

Don't draw the curtain back, please. Just slip out of...

Thank you. Please, a little...

Sorry about that. I expect the sister will, um...sort that out for you.

Thank you so much. Den, can I give you that? There we go.

-DORIS: Can I have a coffee?

-Nurse.

Doris, can you go back to bed?

You know you're not allowed to have coffee. Come on, off you go.

Could you move this, please? It's one of my observation stations.

Thank you.

PATIENT COUGHING

-Doris! No, that is not yours, is it?

-Is there something I can do?

-No, honestly, you're all right.

-I'll get you another coffee in just a sec.

-Are you sure?

-Please have a seat.

-OK.

-Thank you. No, to me. Please.

-CUP CLATTERING Doris.

-Oh! Oh, no, Kim!

-It's gone right through to my socks.

-Oh. Oh, don't worry, Hils.

I've got some... I've got some pop socks. Don't tread in it.

Doris, back to bed, please. Oh!

Listen, don't make too much of a big thing out of it.

That's the DANI inspector, OK?

I'm just observing. I'm invisible.

Sorry about that, Hils.

She's not allowed coffee. She gets all jittery.

She had 12 cups yesterday.

They are clean.

Oh, thanks.

What was the name of your first pet, Damaris?

-Why?

-So I can work out your lap-dancing name.

Oh, do it on me. Do it on me.

All right, Den. What was your first pet's name?

-Len. He was a hamster.

-Right, and what's your mother's maiden name?

-Baggett.

-Len Baggett?

I think that sounds more like a tripe-and-onion seller than a lap dancer, doesn't it?

Mine will be Candy Horncastle.

-LAUGHS

-Nothing ever works on me.

Well, you hardly need to work as a lap dancer, do you, Den?

You're going to be up in Leicester,

living the life of Riley with your loaded husband.

Oh, no, I'm not leaving. No, no, I was never going to be leaving.

(I'm not resigning, Kim, not any more.)

But you...you've let your flat. You've moved to Leicester.

You can't spend more than a week in the on-call room.

I know, but I've...I've got a plan B, just till my maternity leave.

Yeah.

PATIENT COUGHING

No.

Please, Kim? Please?

I can't, you know, I've already got Ques a Bwengu.

If I'm going to get into medical school,

I need the evenings free to study my nursing modules.

Well, thanks very much, Kim.

I'll help you find a B&B, Den, all right?

Yeah, I am pregnant, you know, Kim.

Sorry, Damaris, I don't feel very well.

Would it be all right if I went and got a glass of water, please?

-Of course, Den.

-Thank you.

No, no, I...I haven't done any mandatory training.

Right.

So, I'd have to do four years at medical school?

A BSc?

Do I really have to become a degree nurse first?

Oh, God. Can you hang on a minute? I'm going to have to write this all down.

CLICKING AND WHIRRING

Doris. Can... Can you stop fiddling? Stop fiddling.

Look, that looks quite nice, doesn't it?

Don't you think? Please.

Have a go at that.

A bit of fish?

DEN TUTS AND SIGHS

That dementia care assistant's not exactly pulling his weight, is he?

God, I am sick of working with these volunteers.

He's the DANI guy. I thought you knew.

What?

Come along, Doris. Yes, I've got some lovely lunch for you here. Get your strength up.

Can you take me out?

Oh, Doris, I can't take you out today. We've been very badly let down.

The care assistant hasn't arrived.

Oh.

LOW CHATTER

-Ah, Den. Hello. Ah. Do you mind if I join you? I...

-No.

I can't chat, actually, cos I'm expecting a call.

Mm, mm, neither can I, because my husband's due to phone me back any minute, so...

Right. Oh, good. Oh, yes.

CLEARS THROAT

-Nice day?

-PHONE RINGS

Sorry, I will have to get this, actually. Sorry. Excuse me.

Hello, Jennifer. How are we getting on?

No, but it is irretrievable breakdown due to unreasonable behaviour. His.

Yes, but if we set the court date for next year,

I'll be rattling around that house for seven months minimum.

No, no, no, they've moved. They've moved in with him and Michelle, yes.

All right, perhaps we should petition for...on the grounds of adultery, then,

if he's going to be like that.

Thanks, Jen. OK, bye-bye.

PHONE BEEPS

Sorry, you're meant to clear your tray.

Are you not feeling hungry today, Doris?

No?

£115 for bed and breakfast?

For one night?

OK. No, I've tried them, but they've got some kind of conference on, I think.

OK, I'll give them a ring. Thanks ever so much for your help.

Yeah, bye.

PHONE BEEPS

DEN SIGHS

-Couldn't you put Darren in with Sally?

-He's too old for that.

Well, I've given you a hand with the lunches,

so that should take some of the pressure off, Den, OK?

Thank you so much, Damaris. I'm just really knackered today.

Oh, yeah, I think the baby's having a bit of a growth spurt.

Kim, can you go and put the sheets on that bed, please?

It's just I can't help you because of my condition.

-Of course.

-I would if I could, honestly.

Yeah, is that tourist information office?

Thank you, cheers.

MACHINE WHIRRING

Den, can I see you a second, please?

You've got a Dignity And Nutrition Inspector over there,

and you lot have incompetently fed an Alzheimer sufferer three lunches.

Not two, Den, three.

Oh, shit.

Front this up now. You don't want this getting upstairs.

CLEARS THROAT

-Hiya.

-Hi.

-Can I, yes, clear that away for you?

-Yes, yeah.

-I'm so sorry, um... about the mix-up over lunch.

-Oh, that's all right. Not a problem.

-Are you sure it's OK?

-Yeah, really, it's fine.

Thank you.

-Is there anything I can do?

-No, no, please, honestly. You just stay where you are.

Can I get you a hot beverage of any kind?

Um...yeah, tea would be great.

-Kim.

-Mm-hm?

-Can you make a nice cup of tea, please?

-I only make nasty cups of tea.

-And then can you clear away his tray?

-Yes.

COFFEE POURING

Oh, not on the floor, Doris.

Coffee.

KIM SIGHS

Have a little snooze there, Doris, yeah?

I don't know why Dr Harvey doesn't just give her something.

-You know, take the edge off it.

-Mm, yeah.

What does Harvey say about how long she's got, though?

Oh, he says three or four months, but six weeks more likely.

-Really? Oh, dear.

-Mm.

Does she work for the town council or the county council?

Oh, I don't know.

Well, Hayley just said that Dr Moore's husband had run off

with someone from the planning department, that's all.

Do you want me to have a look?

Um...

She's French, I know that.

Oh, look here, planning department. I've got it, I think.

Oh, ooh, they've got pictures.

-DEN LAUGHS

-Michelle Dupont?

-Oh, my God.

Michelle Dupont!

Bloody hell, Den.

She loves holidays on the Isle of Wight.

She collects Paddington Bears, and she loves to bake.

I mean, it can't be her, can it?

Well, maybe Philip likes an iced finger.

Ah, Den, is my 18-weeker comfortable?

Er...yes, she's just waiting to go down for the MRI scan in Green Bay.

Lovely, I'll liaise with the night staff. Don't worry, I'm going to be working late so...

-Oh, Kim.

-Yeah.

-Did that B&B phone back?

-No.

Oh, it's so rude.

-Are you stuck for a bed?

-No. Well, yeah, but I...

I've got five empty bedrooms in my house. It's ridiculous, isn't it?

Well, maybe Den could stay at your place, then?

Er...although, no.

Well, the thermostats are all turned down, and the bed's not been aired,

-so it wouldn't be very...

-No, I'm...

-But, I mean, another time,

-you know, absolutely, if you want to give me a bit of notice...

-Great.

-...do, er, do that.

But she'll need somewhere next week as well.

I think I'll be fine, actually, Kim.

Well, if you... Well, do give me a shout.

Er...yes. Yes, do...do give me a shout.

I'm only kidding, Dr Moore. It's all right, she's sleeping on my settee.

Oh, right.

Well, you know, any time.

Any time, obviously.

-SHE MOUTHS

-Thank you.

SIREN BLARING OUTSIDE

-Thank you so much for coming. Well, it's been lovely to meet you.

-And you.

I just feel like I haven't really helped.

No, no. Oh, you've been so understanding.

-Sorry, but we've got to go.

-OK.

-Amma?

-Yeah.

-Here are the handover notes. Sorry about this.

It's just that the shuttle bus goes at five to.

-It's so stupid.

-Come on, Den. Den!

Don't worry. Hurry up, get out of here. Yeah.

-Oh, hello.

-Oh, Damaris, sorry.

I don't feel very well, and Kim said she might be able to take me home.

Oh, no, you go on. You need to look after yourself, Den.

-Thank you.

-Oh, just quickly, though, Kim.

I was speaking to Evay in Admissions, and she said you're taking your BSc in nursing?

Yeah, that's right. So I was only going to do that

so I could fast-track through to medical school, so...

Gosh, that's impressive, Nurse. Good for you.

I suppose you'll have a...a short career, but, well, I'm sure a very useful one.

Sorry, I just do feel really queasy.

-OK, if it's, yeah...

-Go ahead, Den.

(We've only got 12 minutes to get...)

-Can I go now?

-Sorry, who are you?

-I'm the dementia care assistant.

-Oh, right. Yes, I'm sure you can.

Could you tell the lady that was here before

that I don't think I'll be volunteering again?

I don't pass on messages, sorry.

-Oh. Well, then, I'll e-mail, then?

-Yes, why not?

-OK, thanks.

-All right.

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# Ancient lady

# Cold

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